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May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average...

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March 24, 2014, 8:55 am

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I'd be more shocked by the upsets in the NCAA Tournament if I knew anything...

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March 24, 2014, 9:55 am

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Happy birthday to an adult who still depends on money being in their birthday...

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March 24, 2014, 10:06 am

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This winter has been as torturously prolonged as a group text.

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March 24, 2014, 10:20 am

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Congratulations to Vogue on making girls hate something other than their own...

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March 24, 2014, 12:34 pm

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7 Honest Slogans For Exercise Fads

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March 24, 2014, 12:35 pm

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If there's anything I've learned from failed relationships it's nothing.

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March 24, 2014, 5:25 pm

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Sorry you misinterpreted small talk as an invitation to have a conversation.

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March 25, 2014, 5:01 am

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I can't wait for whatever season it isn't right now.

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March 25, 2014, 7:22 am

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Sorry food tastes better when I eat it off your plate.

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March 25, 2014, 7:50 am

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The pill is effective in that it makes me so crazy no one will have sex with me.

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March 25, 2014, 8:24 am

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You're even easier to enter than the new World Trade Center.

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March 25, 2014, 9:10 am

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You're the only person I'd take both earbuds out to talk to.

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March 25, 2014, 10:45 am

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The only 100% effective form of birth control is having my social skills.

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March 25, 2014, 11:34 am

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Maybe Hobby Lobby thinks working in a craft store is birth control enough.

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March 25, 2014, 12:01 pm

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Sorry for the mean, hurtful, accurate things I said to you.

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March 25, 2014, 12:53 pm

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Just wanted you to know I accept the apology you haven't given yet.

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March 25, 2014, 1:10 pm

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We both look sexier without my glasses on.

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March 25, 2014, 5:20 pm

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If you were a dog you'd be dead by now.

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March 26, 2014, 5:01 am

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Let's make the transition back to hating Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin...

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March 26, 2014, 9:12 am

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