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I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

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April 16, 2014, 5:01 pm

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Your level of attractiveness determines whether or not I find your compliment...

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April 17, 2014, 5:01 am

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When you think I'm being overly sensitive remember that you're probably just...

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April 17, 2014, 7:59 am

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I'd be more impressed with Jesus's resurrection if I'd never seen Weekend At...

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April 17, 2014, 8:08 am

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Enjoy the one day of the year your lapsed Christianity rises from the dead.

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April 17, 2014, 8:30 am

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I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

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April 17, 2014, 9:51 am

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I can't believe it's already time to work through lunch.

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April 17, 2014, 10:35 am

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Sorry Jesus's resurrection is being overshadowed by Mrs. Doubtfire's.

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April 17, 2014, 10:42 am

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May your Easter birthday not remind you of your dwindling supply of viable eggs.

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April 17, 2014, 11:15 am

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8 Much More Realistic Suggested Serving Sizes

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April 17, 2014, 1:38 pm

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I put out before the first date.

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April 17, 2014, 5:01 pm

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Sorry I failed to acknowledge whatever major crisis you've imagined is...

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April 18, 2014, 5:01 am

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Congratulations to someone whose sperm seem to find eggs faster than a kid on...

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April 18, 2014, 6:30 am

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Let me know if you ever need to unburden yourself of someone's scandalous...

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April 18, 2014, 8:19 am

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May Jesus forgive me for what I do to my parents' bathroom after eating 17...

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April 18, 2014, 8:41 am

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Happy birthday to someone who's been to more children's birthday parties this...

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April 18, 2014, 8:46 am

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If The Last Supper Got Reviewed On Yelp

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April 18, 2014, 9:51 am

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This 4/20, let's smoke enough pot to find the story of Easter believable.

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April 18, 2014, 10:25 am

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Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a...

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April 18, 2014, 11:03 am

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I wish someone would tell me to sit in the corner and think about what I've...

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April 18, 2014, 11:48 am

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