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Mom interrupts daughter's vlog to make a far more interesting announcement...

No idea what the little girl is saying up top. Someone named "Sherloyd?" Thank you, Internet, for bringing us this moment. In a time before the Internet, this young lass would have been on the phone,...

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Announcement of Whitey Bulger verdict results in wonderfully inappropriate...

No way you didn't write that chyron yourself, Touré. Yesterday's "Guilty" verdict for James "Whitey" Bulger resulted in a wholelot of tweets playing on the serendipidity of someone with the nickname...

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Thanks for not being good enough at my job to take it from me while I was on...

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If Breaking Bad took place entirely on Facebook - Season 5, Episode 9.

See the whole thing >>

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It's either you or me that I'm having sex with later.

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The best thing about being a new mom is the lower tolerance from not drinking...

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I worry my soulmate is on a different dating site.

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You deserve someone worse.

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I'd love to talk but I'm in a hurry to get home so I can be alone.

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I know a great wine that pairs with you sitting and watching me get drunk.

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CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 13, 2013

Plane crashes, bank robberies, monkey Jesus and a great way to die await you in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today!Go now >>

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I judge a man by the size of his sandwich.

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They don't have an emoji for what I want to do with you.

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I hope your vacation is relaxing enough to distract you from the constant...

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Happy birthday to someone whose age now makes them cry more than they did on...

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I hope you're enjoying your vacation from me complaining about being at work.

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I'd give you the shirt off my back if I wasn't afraid to take off my shirt.

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You made my day by not making me listen to how bad yours is going.

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I want to wake up next to you not remembering your name.

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