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I'm the Jesse Pinkman of never giving away my money.

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Avoiding Breaking Bad spoilers online is the perfect excuse for accomplishing...

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Best of luck over the next four or however many years it takes you to graduate.

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Good luck on the transition from doing nothing at home to doing nothing at...

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Sorry your post-vacation workload has completely negated all the benefits of...

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Sorry I forgot to forget it's your birthday today.

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Everytime you post a picture of yourself on vacation I secretly pray you get...

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Sorry that it costs more money to move your possessions than they're actually...

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Sorry your relationship is ruining your eye makeup.

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Hope your new roommate is a quiet masturbator.

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Just a heads up that frequent vigorous sexual activity with me is a great way...

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I'm going to college so I can get a good enough job to pay for college.

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The end of summer is much less depressing when you never had money to enjoy...

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If I had to have sex with someone your age, it would probably be you.

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May your child's head lice recede as noticeably as your husband's hairline.

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Sorry the only places you visited this summer were websites.

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11 desperately needed PSAs that would make everyone's life less awful.

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PSA: This is what you look like when you take pictures with an iPad.

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You're the reason I come to and at work.

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If my sandwich doesn't have sauce I consider it a snack.

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