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I'm worried you're planning on drinking less this Friday due to the short...

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September 6, 2013, 10:28 am

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I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

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September 6, 2013, 12:55 pm

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We are not entertained.

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September 6, 2013, 1:16 pm

CREATE YOUR OWN >>

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I'm glad our relationship is solid enough that we can spend our time...

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September 7, 2013, 5:01 am

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May your favorite football team's victory not contribute to your fantasy...

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September 8, 2013, 5:01 am

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Thanks for the invitation to watch you watch football.

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September 8, 2013, 8:08 am

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My fantasy job is to work with people who don't incessantly talk about...

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September 9, 2013, 5:01 am

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It's been far too long since you, me, and a bottle of wine hung out together.

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September 9, 2013, 8:09 am

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Here's to it finally being even colder outside than it is in the office.

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September 9, 2013, 8:49 am

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I want an Indian Summer in the least racist way possible.

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September 9, 2013, 9:40 am

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I'm impressed by your weather-resistant dedication to always showing an...

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September 9, 2013, 10:59 am

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Wine time.

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September 9, 2013, 11:39 am

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If you drink enough tonight, you won't have to lie when you call in sick...

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September 9, 2013, 2:39 pm

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Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

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September 10, 2013, 5:01 am

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Poor Miley.

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September 10, 2013, 7:25 am

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Sorry Mrs. Perfect's little angel got head lice.

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September 10, 2013, 8:01 am

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May this be the iPhone upgrade that makes your life bearable.

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September 10, 2013, 9:15 am

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Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human...

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September 10, 2013, 11:20 am

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I'm glad there will be an iPhone that's affordable to the sweatshop workers...

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September 10, 2013, 11:55 am

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Just a heads up that we aren't going into that war you heard about in between...

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September 10, 2013, 1:01 pm

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