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Thanks for being the best roommate ever by never being here.

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Greetings from New Jersey, a great place to raise your kids and to judge the...

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I can't wait to have a new ex.

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Thanks for not ruining the upcoming summer weekend by getting married during it.

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I'd be more excited about getting away for Memorial Day if I wasn't going...

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I hope going corporate won't change your Tumblr's tradition of never being read.

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Congratulations to Yahoo for putting as much thought into the decision to buy...

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It must be exciting to know that your Tumblr will now be read by people who...

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I'll always love you until the day your parallel parking gives me a stroke.

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Best of luck to Yahoo on explaining to its users what Tumblr is.

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When I'm with you, time flies like Don Draper on speed.

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Let's kick off summer with a holiday weekend that isn't warm enough for...

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Thank you for saying no when I asked if you needed help moving.

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All the good women out there are either married, gay, or turned off by my...

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I had another nightmare about you telling me the in-depth details of your...

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Summer Badge: This is to honor you displaying only 85% of the skin on your...

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I would love to babysit sometime as long as you never take me up on that offer.

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Summer Badge: This serves to recognize your 43 minutes of actual work on a...

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I hope to see you in a bathing suit outside of Facebook this summer.

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Summer Badge: This serves to recognize you having the sweat stains of a...

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