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Boys will be boys, but you're getting too old to use that excuse.

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September 17, 2013, 8:01 am

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Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post...

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September 17, 2013, 8:41 am

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May your age be as irrelevant to you as your birthday is to others.

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September 17, 2013, 9:27 am

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I want to fill you up like my DVR in early fall.

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September 17, 2013, 9:46 am

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If you worked as hard at your job as you do at playing Grand Theft Auto V you...

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September 17, 2013, 9:59 am

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Let's spice things up in the bedroom by making a tape of us deciding we're...

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September 17, 2013, 10:25 am

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You have the perfect autumn body.

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September 17, 2013, 10:45 am

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Sorry the most exciting thing to happen in your sex life this fall is the new...

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September 17, 2013, 11:30 am

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Your driving in Grand Theft Auto isn't nearly as scary as your driving in...

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September 17, 2013, 11:32 am

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My kid's head lice feel like members of the family in that they're...

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September 17, 2013, 12:01 pm

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I want to see you naked as much as I don't want to see Walter White in his...

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September 17, 2013, 12:30 pm

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I have more food in my body than in my fridge.

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September 17, 2013, 1:15 pm

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We should have a lot of sex this fall since my seasonal affective disorder...

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September 17, 2013, 2:01 pm

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The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of...

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September 17, 2013, 5:01 pm

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Please don't mistake this birthday wish for any form of potential friendship.

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September 18, 2013, 5:01 am

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I aspire to be the beautiful, together person my Facebook profile suggests I am.

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September 18, 2013, 8:01 am

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You're the best friend I could ever settle for.

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September 18, 2013, 8:39 am

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I am fully committed to this relationship unless you ask me to go apple picking.

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September 18, 2013, 9:22 am

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Thanks for being willing to conduct our entire friendship online.

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September 18, 2013, 9:45 am

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You're as great a friend as you are a terrible employee.

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September 18, 2013, 9:58 am

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