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Here's to the anniversary of you leaving the womb during a time of year when...

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I'm sorry only one of us can see my penis when I'm standing.

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My mouth tastes like I made bad decisions last night.

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30th Birthday: Congratulations on being old enough to have a baby on purpose.

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It's nice to see Justin Bieber becoming the train wreck celebrity we all...

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Doppelbiebs

If you don't know already, pop sensation Justin Bieber was arrested early this morning in Miami Beach, Florida and charged with driving under the influence and drag racing in a Lamborghini. This was...

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Justin Bieber is still nowhere near being the biggest douchebag ever to drive...

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May Justin Bieber's DUI arrest serve as a warning to his fans who might be...

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I miss you almost as much as I tell you I do.

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I wait until Thursday to ask people about their weekend plans so there's a...

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#FirstDraftPickUpLines

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The most exercise I get is briefly sucking in my gut whenever I catch my...

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Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.

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Sorry that the casual outfit you chose to wear on Friday led to the...

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Join me in a brief moment of silence for my dignity before this weekend gets...

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I keep my PMS unnoticeable by remaining psychotic all the time.

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20 Pathetic Things Every 30-Year-Old Says

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I'm hoping they invent a way to date besides meeting people on or offline.

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Nothing's more offensive than asking if I'm on my period while I'm on my period.

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I'm gonna hump you as if you had health insurance.

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