Sex is weird. Dreams are weird. Therefore, sex dreams are the weirdest things possible. Here are some people who shared the dirty yet hilariously strange sexy times that their brains assaulted them with while they were sleeping.

1. Do what you're gonna do, Undercover_Hilter, but just remember that if you're going to have sex with a tube of toothpaste, don't forget to wear a whitening strip.

I started fucking a girl... She turned into a tube of toothpaste. I still can't explain it to this day. Probably unrelated side note, has anyone seen my toothpaste?

2. It's okay, I_love_this_cunt-try. Clair Huxtable had five kids so she was obviously a very sexual being.

I dreamt I was having an affair with Michael Jordan's wife. Except his wife was actually Felicia Rashad from the Cosby show. I'm not attracted to her, and I don't know what Michael Jordan had to do with the dream, but oddly enough, it was the one and only time I had a full on wet dream. Also, I was 22, married, and sleeping next to my wife when I had the dream.

3. User aaam13 was young, so the rookie mistake makes sense. Some day he'll realize that all hot girls on boats are actually robots.

I had a dream when I was around 13 that I was having the best sex with this insanely hot girl on a boat. Just as we were going under the Golden Gate Bridge one of its suspension cables snapped and sliced her in half while we were still going at it.

Turns out she was a robot

4. Just to be clear, rgollum's sex dream was about the original Spyro, so it's not weird or anything.

For me it's the first sex dream I ever had: I am Spryo the Dragon, (Original trilogy), and she's some kind of pink hued dragon, we're just kind of rolling around, but the feelings of the dream were definitely sexual.

5. "Missionary"? "Snakes? "Mom? Sounds like dythalia had this sex dream after falling asleep in church.

Pretty standard "missionary with crush" dream, except my mom was watching and we were both snakes.

6. This story from sam3397 is the sexiest cocoon story since Cocoon.

Brace yourselves. I'm in a cocoon, readying myself to evolve into a butterfly/human when suddenly, an enlarged clone of my penis rips the cocoon and i'm forced to run away on foot. I hid under a mushroom and when my the penis clone found me, it asked me to have sex to which i inexplicably said yes.

7. VampireChild knows that to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

That I'm fucking myself. In some messed up way I am both the guy and girl. My perpesctive switches randomly throughout, one minute I'm being drilled into the next I'm doing the drilling but either way it's me fucking myself. don't even want to know why I'm dreaming that I have a dick and that I'd chose to do myself over anyone else.

8. Who's the boss of ilovepanforte's sexy subconscious?

Tony Danza was at my house and we were going at it. He wasn't too bad. When he shot his load it hit the floor and turned into pebbles. My mother came in the room and yelled at me for the mess so I sucked up the pebbles with the vacuum cleaner. I can't remember any more than that.

9. "Pound control to Major Tom." - this story from a deleted account.

I was in a Gemini space capsule with a chick. We were both wearing spacesuits, as we weren't pressurized. When we started fucking (or decided to) I had to disassemble the spacesuits without opening them, or we would die. Eventually, I got them to merge into what was basically one giant, siamese-twin style spacesuit and we started fucking inside of it. My brain-camera then panned outside the window of the ship and I remember seeing the Earth below me and the Sun coming over the horizon as we began re-entry and it was about then that I woke up.

10. This deleted user is so progressive and open-minded even her subconscious sleep mind thinks so.

I had a dream that I was still a girl, but had a giant dick as big as my thigh that got spontaneously semi hard, but was always floppy and unattractive, and jizzed fizzing foam. I was still a girl in my dream, and all I could think was "this is so embarrassing, thank goodness my boyfriend is so great and open minded!"

11. Worst prank ever on poor cubbybear517.

I think the lamest/funniest dream I had was this guy was hitting on me(pre-marriage), I took him home and we started really getting into fooling around. But before he went down on me, he started laughing and said, "just kidding" before walking out the door. And that's where I woke up.

12. TheOneEyedWolf had a really corny dream.

I had sex with my crush but she had no arms or legs and her body was full of creamed corn.

13. The user name sayno2fap suggests just a hint of sexual frustration, and that kind of thing plays out in dreams.

You know those Bill Murray jokes where he says "no one will ever believe you"? Well, I was having sex with a beautiful girl in a dream, and then she said that and turned into Bill fucking Murray.
I really hope it was a dream

14. NotAlana got to see the origins of Daniel Craig's "cockney" accent.

I was watching the taping of some sort of game show. One of the contestants was Daniel Craig. After doing a stand up job of singing while in a foil covered fish bowl he came up to me and was flirting. Eventually he whips out his dick and says "how'd you like a piece if this?!?" At this point he's getting more arrogant and less flattering towards me. I give it a few tugs but get a little grossed out by how sticky it is, like he's sweating a lot. The dream ended by my saying "I've got to go make my husband lunch."

15. After this, Cars was never the same for minalear.

Built a new car to race my old, sentient car. After I beat it, I ripped its engine out and started to molest it as a sign of domination. Ants began to come out which proceeded to bury themselves into my dick.

16. In West Philadelphia born and raised / Is where Banana2022 had a sexual awakening.

I fell asleep watching Fresh Prince and my unconscious mind thought it would be such a good idea to have sex with Uncle Phil. It felt really good and I orgasmed in my sleep.

17. This deleted user was cockblocked in a dream, but cockblocked in the best possible way. (Hint: puppies!)

I was at a bar and randomly met up with a previous hookup that I've wanted to have sex with again for quite a while. He was leaving the country the next day so we decided to get a hotel. SUDDENLY, someone enters the bar with like 45 puppies of all shapes an sizes, and they're just roaming the bar cuddling with people. Needless to say, he was cockblocked by puppies and it was probably the best sex dream I've ever had.

Warning: major Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire book and (possible) show spoilers ahead.

An actor from Game of Thronesis hinting that we'll see the resurrection of another Stark by the end of the season, in a plot twist that book readers have been waiting for for years. That's right: Lady Stoneheart.

Since the mysterious, red priest-led Brotherhood Without Banners made a surprise reappearance in the last episode, murdering the Hound's favorite cult, fans have been wondering if the group's leader in the books—ZOMBIE CATELYN STARK AKA LADY STONEHEART—would show up too. One of the actors who played a Brotherhood Without Banners member in the last episode seems to be strongly hinting as much:

Johannes Haukur plays "Lem Lemoncloak" in the show, and said that he would be appearing in the next episode as well, hinting that there's more plot for the Brotherhood ahead:

He even tweeted an article speculating about the return of Catelyn:

But maybe he's just teasing?

Maybe you're thinking: wait, Catelyn Stark goes around leading a group of murdering assholes? WHY/HOW? Let's back up:

In the show Game of Thrones, Jon Snow is murdered by his men and brought back to life by a red priestess. People who read the books widely predicted that he'd be resurrected by Melisandre, even though in the most recent book, A Dance With Dragons, Snow is killed at the end.

In the show, Snow's resurrection is only hinted at through the earlier resurrection of a minor character, Beric Dondarrion, by a red priest. But the show has thus far avoided one of the biggest twists (and the biggest reason to expect Snow's revival) from A Storm of Swords, the third book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series: the resurrection of Catelyn Stark after her horrifying death in The Red Wedding.

After Catelyn's throat is slit that night, the villainous Freys dump her body into a river, in a bastardization of the typical funeral rites for Tullys (Tully is Catelyn's maiden name). Her body floats down the river for several days until it is found and identified by the Brotherhood Without Banners, which at this point is a group trying to protect poor villagers from the ravages of war. Beric Dondarrion, their resurrected leader, is able to resurrect Catelyn with great difficulty and at the expense of his life.

Catelyn Stark takes over the leadership of the group and garners the nickname Lady Stoneheart. She can only speak in a rasp because of her cut throat, but is consumed with murderous hatred of the Freys—even innocent ones that have nothing to do with the Red Wedding. She even kidnaps Brienne and Podd and convinces them to attempt to kill Jaime Lannister (whether or not they try or succeed is a cliffhanger in the books).

Right now, Jaime and Brienne are both in the Riverlands, along with the Brotherhood. It doesn't definitively mean that you'll see Catelyn Stark in the coming weeks—in the books, Lady Stoneheart first appears at the end of book three, which roughly corresponds to season four of the show—but... it looks very promising.

Because the people on Game of Thrones are not real and are actually played by a special subset of superior humanity called "actors" and "actresses," the impression the show may have given you of Septa Unella is not actually reflected in her daily life.

Unlike the dour Septa Unella, all actresses are gorgeous, with pretty much no exceptions. That's a great example of sexism, since John C. Reilly is a famous actor and he looks like a mountain goat. But the point here is that Septa Unella is a beautiful woman when going by her human name, Hannah Waddingham.

She's not constantly following Queen Cersei around ringing a bell to call the peasants' attention to her sins, and she's not always wearing a baggy habit.

As the Daily Callerwrites in words that are much more frank and weird than necessary: "The Actress Who Plays Septa Unella in 'Game of Thrones' Is Actually A GORGEOUS SMOKESHOW." Nice, real classy. (They should have gone with Lord of Bones, right?)

Game of Thrones is notorious for gratuitous nudity, and Jamie and Cersei already had sex in a sept, so will the extra-long season finale mean nudity for Septa Unella?

Because this is already getting really creepy, how about you all agree to just watch the next three episodes and find out for yourselves.

Dr. Pimple Popper has been on a run of lipoma removals recently, delighting fans who love to watch benign fatty deposits that look like uncooked chicken being removed from human bodies. After she removed the largest lipoma of her career and a truly nauseating infected cyst, this removal seems like a cinch. It's just a normal-sized superficial lipoma on a man's arm.

He may call it his "flotation device," but he'll still probably have more fun on the beach now that it's gone. She shared a video of the removal, which as always, is satisfying in a deeply psychological way that nobody can understand.

At the risk of being accused of body-shaming, this video makes it clear: all bodies are gross and we should be ashamed of having them.

Hillary Clinton, the first female presidential nominee of a major party who modestly describes herself as a "doting grandmother" on Instagram, isn't taking any crap on social media these days. Following President Obama's endorsement of his former Secretary of State, the Internet has lit up thanks to a Twitter conversation that began with Donald Trump, Clinton's rival in the presidential race.

To which Hillary Clinton said:

Twitter has collectively lost it.

Some people ragged on Clinton.

Either way, the general fervor seems to be, "A social media smack-down. Finally something political we can all understand!" The future of politics is here.

Forget about what happened earlier this week. History has been made today.

Brock Turner, the Stanford rapist (who is also capable of not drowning in water) was given a ludicrously lenient sentence for someone who raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, and the lenient sentence just got even more lenient, according a fact pointed out by the Associated Press. "County jail inmates serve 50 percent of their sentences if they keep a clean disciplinary record."

Despite a nationwide discussion on the consequences of rape culture, a petition to recall the judge, and a series of increasingly horrifying letters trying to defend him (but really just making matters worse), Turner will most likely get out of jail three months into his six month sentence.

The Associated Press reports that "online inmate records show 20-year-old Brock Turner is expected to be released from the Santa Clara County Jail on Sept. 2nd." He was booked June 3rd, and with this assumption that he will keep a clean disciplinary record, this member of the 1% can leave after serving only 50% of his sentence. The dude will go free after a TWENTY-FOURTH of the time requested by prosecutors.

At the end of his sentence, the three-time felon will have only served three months, the June to September dates aligning perfectly with his friends' summer vacations.

Usually waiting in the wings of a very drunk person is an exasperated friend just desperate for the night to end. These are the two people at play in this text message exchange from Imgur user elitereloaded. The conversation goes from "Yeah, this person is pretty drunk but not too gone" to "How many bottles of Tequila did you have?" very quickly.

Hopefully the next day, after lots of water and Tylenol, this person apologized for being a pain in the ass to their sober friend.

If you have enjoyed this edition of embarrassing drunk texts, please enjoy the small selection that follows.

Learn the new lingo all the kids are using.

Weekend plans: finding kittens.

Safety first.

There is sometimes such a thing as being too cautious, and much too drunk.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back in the headlines for a self-deprecating joke he made about his own scandals. In case you don't remember, Weiner was forced to resign from Congress in 2011 after he was caught sending explicit photographs to women on Twitter. Then in 2013, while Weiner was attempting to reenter politics by joining the New York City mayoral race, more of his sexts were exposed, this time from the alias "Carlos Danger." So basically, this isn't a guy with great judgment.

But he is pretty funny (assuming "Carlos Danger" was supposed to be ironic). So it's not surprising that he was willing to make fun of himself when a perfect opportunity arose, like it did on Thursday. It started when Donald Trump tweeted one of his normal bits of hate at Hillary Clinton.

Then Clinton basically dropped the mic with her response.

After that, CBS News editor Will Rahn commented with a bit of sage advice for all public figures.

But Anthony "Carlos Danger" Weiner, who had probably been waiting for this chance for years, jumped in with his own reply.

Get it? Because his Twitter account destroyed his political career? Although maybe that isn't fair—if it wasn't Twitter, he would have found some other means to be a perv and self-destruct. Can you imagine if he were running for office now, in the era of Snapchat? It would be a bloodbath.

Was this a genuine attempt by Anthony Weiner to show that he doesn't take himself too seriously? That he's willing to make the same jokes about himself that everyone else made five years ago? He does seem to make this joke a lot, like when he responded to this Seth Rogen Tweet:

With some more self-deprecating humor:

Or is this latest Tweet just press for his new documentary? In the end, it doesn't matter. And neither does he. He made sure of that.

One particularly green kid, just out of high school, is having some workplace issues and he wants your help. Yes, your help. Because you've got a great record with this stuff and you always give great advice. He posted his question to Reddit, so hopefully his boss will see it and change his behavior. If not, it's all up to you.

Hey everyone.

I got an okay job right out of high school making 30K a year, and my boss who's also the vice president of this small company has been getting on my nerves lately.

He's really forgetful, and will yell at me for not doing things when in reality he just didn't know that I did them or just didn't understand that I had already completed them.

They hired me because of my ability with 3D printing and design, which i'm very good at yet he still accuses me of breaking everything when things go wrong (which happens very often with 3D printers). Then when I fix something like today, which saved us like $400 in parts we would have had to order, I get nothing in return. I get told to not let it happen again like I caused it.

Today however was kind of the end of the line with me. I was in the restroom for 5 minutes in the stall, he came into the restroom (which is normal since its a urinal and stall, and then called my name. I didn't respond because I was in the restroom and that's just not normal to me, and then he yelled it and I said "what?" back. He told me the printer stopped working again and then said it again slightly louder. I didn't respond, and he stood there like he was waiting for a response. After 5 seconds of awkward awkward silence, I said "okay". I was told later by another employee that he was running around the building looking for me when he saw it happening. To clarify, I am the the head of 3D printer operations here, which is why he would tell me. The part costs us less than $20 in material and waiting to tell me when I was done with using the restroom would have cost us nothing because the printer automatically stopped due to the error.

Am I just being sensitive about this or this is a normal thing?

TL;DR: Boss went around the building looking for me and went into the bathroom to get my attention regarding something work related that could have waited. Am I being sensitive about this?

The comments are pretty much split—some think it's perfectly normal since the bathroom doesn't have a lock, while others say it's overstepping to barge into the poop room to ask a mundane work question.

What you really have to consider, though, is all the boss's other behavior. Is he normally a nice guy? Doesn't seem like it. It seems like the only thing standing between this kid making a decent wage as a 3D printing-specialist and him quitting in a fit of rage is his ten minute daily poop.

Who's the boss to get in the way of that? Let the kid poop. Let him go in there and play Angry Birds while he's letting out an angry turd. Give him a work-free poop break and you'll have a much happier, much lighter staff. And while you're revising bathroom policy, 3D print a few more stalls. Only one stall? That's so shitty.

Rose Geil is a 39-year-old woman who, for mysterious medical reasons, has thick body and facial hair. Since puberty, she has rigorously shaved off her hair to hide her condition from the world, until recently. She decided to allow her beard to grow out, and has never looked back. In a recent profile for Barcroft TV, she explained that since she started letting her whiskers fly, she feels more feminine and sexy than ever.

With the help of her supportive friends, family, and husband, as well as a growing online community of bearded women, Geil has embraced her awesome fuzz and is living happier, and with less irritated skin, than ever before. She's even showing off her newfound confidence on Instagram:

It just goes to show: a beard is nothing to be feared.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are fighting on Twitter like they're Amber Rose and Kanye West. Earlier today, Clinton tweeted"Delete your account" at Trump, garnering the pivotal "sassy Tumblr teen" vote. ("Delete your account" is the SJW comeback of choice).

Well, Trump just responded with a flippant bon mot of his own:

Good point on the email thing, of course. But let's do some investigative journalism here. Twitter has time stamps, so you can see exactly how long it took Clinton's team to come up with the first tweet. Trump tweeted this at 1:22 PM:

Clinton followed up at 1:27 PM. So it took her five minutes. And on top of that, Trump didn't respond to her tweet until at 3:40 PM, two hours and 13 minutes later.

Maybe this will be how the debates work.

The security camera in Louisiana's Hollie Mallet's garage was set up to record any intruders onto her property. And it worked: she noticed that sometimes a little boy would stop at the end of her driveway and throw a ball to her dog Dutchess, who spends the days in her open garage behind an invisible fence. "One day, we were going through the footage, and I told my husband, 'You’ve got to see this,' and he [the little boy] came in and gave her a quick hug, and we wanted to find out who he was. We live in small town, so everyone pretty much knows everyone, but we don’t know all the neighborhood kids because we don’t have small children anymore," Mallet told ABC News. So she turned to social media to help her figure out the identity of the hug bandit.

Mallet posted the security footage on Facebook, as well as some text:

Attn Neighbors! Anyone know who this sweet little boy is? Every now and then when he rides his bike he will quickly come and love on my dog or play fetch real quick, but always leaves quick like he doesn't know if he should be here! I'd like to tell him he's welcome to stay and play, she loves the attention!

Facebook worked its magic when the footage made it its way to Ginger Breaux, who recognized her nine-year-old son Josh as the hug stealer.

Breaux commented on Mallet's post:

Josh talks about your dog all the time! Every time we pass he looks to see if she was sitting where he could see her. Just didn’t know he was doing things like this. Last night when I first saw it, I was torn as a momma being happy and upset because he knows he shouldn’t be on someone’s property, but I wake up this morning more happy that he just absolutely adores dogs so much.

Turns out that the Breaux family lost their dog Bella last year, and Josh took it upon himself to find a way to fill the current dog void in his life. Mallet told Josh's mom that her son was welcome to come by any time and that Dutchess loved the attention. "He’s the sweetest little boy," she told ABC. "It's a win-win. They both get a friend."

And luckily one of those friends has an iThing he can use to take selfies (Josh. It's Josh).

Meet John Hetlinger. Retired aerospace engineer and Navy pilot, he has dedicated his golden years to something even more badass than launching the Hubble telescope and beating the Nazis: hard rock. Hetlinger may have retired as an engineer but is a fully active karaoke artist, taking on America's Got Talentsinging metal with the energy of someone who has seen some real sh*t.

Hetlinger shocks Simon Cowell, who has basically seen it all at this point, with an impassioned take on Drowning Pool's "Bodies." The notoriously sassy Cowell is rendered speechless.

Most 82-year-old's can't handle listening to metal, let alone singing it. For enduring the screams alone, Hetlinger's certainly got talent.

These four muggles took the sorting hat quiz on Pottermore to see what house they would end up in at Hogwarts. Taking an online quiz on a laptop is only slightly less magical than having a sentient hat that reads your mind when placed upon your head.

For those who did not receive their much anticipated Hogwarts acceptance letter when they were 11-years-old, J.K. Rowling's interactive website Pottermore allows you to take a really long, in depth quiz in order to find out what Hogwarts house you most belong in. Rupert Grint, ​Bonnie Wright, Matthew Lewis, Evanna Lynch (Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood, respectively), are among the few who muggles who, in a way, actually got to go to Hogwarts. And yet 75% of them got sorted into houses different than the ones their characters did in the films.

If you put on an old witch hat from a Halloween costume and squint your eyes really hard, you can almost convince yourself that you are in the great hall being sorted and not on your computer pretending like a nerd. Just make sure you're doing that in your own home and not at a Starbucks or something, you weirdo.

Very hot woman Megan Fox was onConan last night to promote her new crappy movie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, where she stars as a human person alongside a bunch of CGI reptiles. Another human in the movie is comedian Will Arnett, who, since his divorce from funnier comedian Amy Poehler, has been having a lot of fun dating around. Watch Fox burn Arnett for having a bunch of young girlfriends during the filming of the first Ninja Turtles and make Conan and the audience really uncomfortable before they eventually decide it's okay to laugh.

When Fox first mentions Arnett's dating habits, it seems like she is expecting a laugh, but instead the audience kind of groans, which is not a great sign. Eventually, they do come around, because it's a talk show.

Also, just throwing this out there, Fox met her (now estranged) husband Brian Austin Green when she was only 18 and he was 30. Thems is facts.

Computer security is an important part of laptop ownership. It's bad enough for a person to get ahold of your laptop, and even worse when they start trying to log in to steal your personal information. A woman who goes by the name pigeonkitty on imgur recently had a scare along those lines.

Luckily, she had enabled a security feature that automatically snaps a picture of the user if someone tries and fails to log in three times in a row. It then sends the picture of the would-be hacker to pigeonkitty's phone. Recently she received a text to her phone with a picture of someone trying (but failing) to log in to her laptop. And the offender? Her cat. Typical.

What is this cat up to? Trying to get online to order cat toys on Amazon? Tuna salad from Seamless? Skype with its feline friends across the world? Who knows. Whatever this cat's intention, it's been foiled! No computer for you, kitty! Busted!