As beautiful as Lochtegate was, all gates must close eventually; the lifecycle of an international dumbness scandal is all-too brief in this cruel, Tweet-filled world. And alas, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte apologized this morning for claiming he had been robbed when actually, according to his teammates, he got into a fight after he vandalized a gas station.

Police still say they are planning to charge Lochte with providing false testimony about a crime. Saying "sorry" apparently doesn't solve everything.

This anonymous street artist who covered the city of Montreal in cartoon vagina stickers is the hero the world deserves.

That's because dicks have been drawn on walls, monuments, and other public spaces all throughout history. Someone probably drew a penis on the pyramids at some point (wouldn't you?). But dicks have dominated in graffiti and street art (and regular art) for way too long.

Kind of like actual vaginas, these hand-drawn stickers each have their own individual identity and personality.

This one, for example, is royal:

Others have inspiring slogans like "Go Les Vag!"

No one knows where they come from, or whether the trend will continue. According to MTL Blog, the city's divided about it. Some "think it’s hilarious, while others choose to tear them down on sight."

But you can certainly hope this is the beginning of a new era, when public property will not be desecrated (or decorated) by penii alone.

Usain Bolt won his 9th and final gold, leading Jamaica to victory in the 4x100 relay, while the US was disqualified from bronze due to an illegal baton relay... after doing their victory lap! Tyson Gay was very disappointed. Also, the detained US swimmers finally came home after apologizing for their shenanigans. Read all about it in the 25 funniest reactions to Day 14 of the Olympics:

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So much is constantly happening in Election 2016 that this one slipped by most radars late on Friday, August 19: Trump's spokesperson, former congressman Jack Kingston (R-GA), joking that "maybe" Trump's outreach to African Americans might have been more authentic "if he went and had a backdrop with a burning car." This was in response to a question about a Trump address aimed at black voters in Milwaukee being delivered to a white audience in a white area. You might be skeptical that anyone professionally involved in politics would do this, but as always there is footage:

Here's the transcript, via Media Matters:

KEILAR: He's polling right now at 2 percent with African-American voters. Is that the right way to attract a voting block that obviously favors Hillary Clinton much more than him?

JACK KINGSTON: Well first of all, our internal poll show us doing better than 2 percent, but the reality is he's going there and he's taking it to them. He's giving them a proposal. He's saying, "You know what? I'm interested, I went to Milwaukee, I'm here tonight, I want to talk to you." And one of the things he actually said last night in North Carolina that kind of went uncovered, but he says "I don't want to preside over another generation of children who are left out of the American dream."

KEILAR: I have to stop you because you said he's going there. He's not, he's in Diamondale, which is 93 percent white. When he was in Milwaukee the other day, it was part of Milwaukee that wasn't dealing -- I mean he, it's --

KINGSTON: Well yeah, but Brianna he went --

KEILAR: It's almost completely white.

KINGSTON: I mean, maybe it would have been nice if he went and had a backdrop with a burning car, but the reality is --

KEILAR: No no no no no, I'm not talking about a burning car. I'm talking about meeting with black voters.

KINGSTON: Well, he met with David Clarke, who as you know is the African-American Sheriff of Milwaukee, and he's engaged with him. And his rallies are open to the public. Last night in North Carolina, we saw a lot of African-Americans. I wasn't sure about the crowd content tonight, but the reality is --

KEILAR: It's white. We checked.

Now, many analysts are saying Trump's recent outreach is less about actually converting black voters to the GOP than it is about convincing white voters that Trump's not as racist as the media has portrayed him to be using his words. To that end, it's unlikely Kingston's burning car comments are going to lose the African-American voters Trump doesn't have, but it probably doesn't help with the white-voters-who-don't-like-being-racist demographic they're really trying to reach.

One of Dr. Sandra "Pimple Popper" Lee's "popaholic" fans referred their mother to the web-famous dermatologist to deal with a large lipoma on the back of her right thigh. Sometimes, lipomas have to be snipped out, other times they slide out like a cleanly-cut chicken breast. This time, it popped (starting at about 1:40).

Al Roker, a man so honest he once admitted to a misjudged fart at the White House, is not happy with Ryan Lochte's lies in #LochteGate. In a Today broadcast from Rio on August 20, Roker lays out everything Lochte did in angry disbelief while Billy Bush tries desperately to soften the blow. It's even better when sound affects are added by Cafe.com.

Apologies for being the bearer of gross news, but that water bottle you carry to help you live a healthier lifestyle might actually be home to a healthy population of bacteria. The folks over at TreadmillReviews.net decided to branch out into treadmill-adjacent products, and created this study on reusable water bottle bacteria. Measuring the microorganisms in "Colony-Forming Units," they tested different types of bottles to see which is the best, but first, here's what average water bottle looks like:

This shouldn't be incredibly surprising, given that concerned parents have already raised the alarm about mold in sippy cups for children—and what are sports bottles besides sippy cups on steroids? But how do different models of bottle fare? How about different models compared to household items:

Hold up, you might be saying, not all bacteria are bad. Maybe these are just pro-biotic water bottles. This could be a plus! Not so fast, my organic friend. Except again for the straw top (which may be cleaner for the very reason most people dislike them—the drippy gap around the straw), the negative bacteria are running the show.

TL;DR - Although slide-top bottles have the most bacteria overall, screw-top and squeeze tops (bottles with small sealable mini-straws) have the most type of negative bacteria. This could be due to the airtight nature of those models vs the other two, but that is just speculation.

OK. Well. That's gross. So what do you do? Well, TreadmillReviews.net did say that on average, steel water bottles are cleaner than plastic ones. The straw model clearly wins, although there aren't *too* many steel water bottles with straws, aim for that one if you're a germophobe. Otherwise, congrats on chugging germs all the time and not getting sick. Maybe it's making you stronger.

Chase Holfelder is well-known on YouTube for changing pop songs to a minor key and completely changing how they sound—he first went viral for confirming that, yeah, "Every Breath You Take" is definitely about a stalker—but "Kiss The Girl" is is first foray into Disney. There's already so much wrong with this song about a prince fantasizing about the very young, mute babe he just laid eyes on, but when you transfer it to a minor key (and add in some minor acoustic effects), it's almost criminal.

Brazil won their first ever gold in soccer (excuse us, "football"), while the US added gold medals in the 1500 meter race and triathlon. Ryan Lochte gave a tearful interview to Matt Lauer where he blamed his "tantics" on being intoxicated. Here are the 26 funniest reactions to Day 15 of the Olympics!

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Alicia Machado won the Miss Universe in 1996, but apparently her experience with the man who bought the contest that year—Donald Trump—was haunting enough that 20 years later, she finally registered to vote just so she could oppose him.

I so proud and inspiration to be a U.S. Citizen! I'll be Voting! All my power and my support become with my next President @hillaryclinton Miss Housekeeping and miss Piggy Can Vote@realdonaldtrump

Speaking on Estrella TV's Rica La Noche, Machado said for 19 years she's struggled to convince people that the man who called her "Miss Piggy" for her weight and "Miss Housekeeping" for her Venezuelan heritage was "...a racist, a horrible person. I worked with this man, for this man, for a year out of my life that I don't wish upon my worst enemy."

Machado was also asked whether Trump had ever made sexual advances. "I want to vomit. Never in my life, the man would've liked to." She did say he made attempts on "me and everyone else, That's why he bought Miss Universe, it was his private harem."

Most disturbingly, Machado recounted how she had gained some weight after her 1996 victory and approached "the very sweet woman" running the day-to-day operations of Miss Universe, and asked for help fixing her diet and getting on an exercise regimen. The organization flew her to New York to meet a dietician.

Then Donald Trump got involved. "The next day, they took me to the gym, and I’m exposed to 90 media outlets." Unexpectedly for Machado, Trump was in the room, in charge. He had staged an event for her to exercise and sweat off her weight in front of the media. “I was about to cry in that moment with all the cameras there,” recounts Machado, "I don’t want to do this, Mr. Trump."

"I don’t care," responded Trump. Asked in 2016 whether he had made Machado lose weight, Trump casually replied, "To that, I will plead guilty."

Machado said that after the humiliating experience, broadcast and reprinted for the whole country, she developed anorexia and bulimia, and has been in therapy ever since. "I've been saying the same thing for 19 years," she said. "I am so happy that after so long, people believe me."

Kim Kardashian West and her family are on vacation to Mexico right now, and on that trip, her friend and makeup stylist Hrush Achemyan apparently taught Kim how to twerk. This shocking news means we've been living all this time in a world where a) Kim K was famous for her huge posterior, b) twerking exists, yet c) somehow Kim's giant rump had never twerked. That time has ended. We now live in the world where Kim uses her butt as a wave machine:

Here are Kim and Hrush having a slightly more formal celebration of Achemyan's birthday. As you may have noticed, they kind of look alike.

And to be quite honest it's not clear which one of these kind-of-identical friends this is, but they definitely seem to enjoy Mexico.

If you have a dog, you're going to want to hug them after reading this. Baltimore-area mom Erika Poremski stepped out of her house for just a few moments on August 14 to get something from her car when she turned around to see her home on fire. Inside were her six-month-old girl Viviana and her six-year-old dog Polo, whom firefighters said sacrificed himself to save the child by covering her body as the fire raged.

Poremski and her neighbors frantically tried to climb the stairs to reach the baby and dog. She eventually had to turn around after suffering burns to her hands and face.

"She was up the stairs, but the fire [and] smoke was so heavy I couldn’t get past it... I kept running back out and back in, trying to get up there. Then, the door curling started falling and I couldn’t get back in...[I didn't even] see all the skin was off my hand from grabbing the rail and it melted off."

Polo, however, refused Poremski's calls to run down, and stayed in the baby's room. When firefighters emerged from the building, they reported that the dog had been covering most of the baby with his body, limiting the infant's burns to about 19% of her body. Firefighters were able to revive Viviana, but not Polo.

"He was my first baby before Viv. He was like my child,” said Erika of Polo. “He followed us everywhere." She also claimed the dog had been acting strange all day and that she had almost taken him to the vet, which she chalks up to intuition but may also be that something was wrong with the house that led to the sudden blaze.

Said Poremski of her hero pet, "He was everything to me along with my daughter. I’m losing everything I love in the blink of an eye. I feel like I’m drowning and can’t get out." A relative has set up a GoFundMe account for Viviana's medical expenses while she is still in the hospital.

Now go hug your dog already.

We asked our readers if they had any stories about the 'Worst Wedding Guest' they ever saw—and the response was so overwhelming that we will be putting them out in two volumes. In this edition, we heard from 20 people whose stories ranged from mothers-in-lingerie to coked-up employers. (If you'd like to try and make it into Volume II, see the instructions at the end.) Thanks again to all the wonderful Someecards readers who shared their stories with the community:

1. Michelle kicks it off with this story she emailed to us featuring the second most popular character in this series, the mother-in-law.

When I married my husband 4 years ago, my mother decided she wanted to change everything. She called the florist pretending to be me, changed the size of her bouquet so it was substantially larger than mine and changed the colors of the flowers. I didn't know this until I saw her prancing herself down the aisle.

But before all that, let me start with, she showed up late and drunk.

She then proceeded to fight because she wanted more pictures taken of her before I walked down the aisle. Then she also decided it would be most appropriate to wear a negligee (see-through nightgown). So we are already late to my wedding, wearing bedtime clothes walking down the aisle, drunk and with a giant bouquet of random color flowers. At the reception, we learned she changed my cake topper out for her own when she got married, which she smuggled in inside a shoe box. Then at the end of the night, she was so drunk she got mad we didn't want her coming with us when we wanted to leave the party and go to our room.

She was obviously the greatest wedding guest ever. At least we can laugh about it now.

2. Stephanie contributed on Facebook with a story about Jim. We've all known a Jim.

We had a relatively small wedding, just 100 people, including a whole bunch of my family visiting from the other side of the country. My husband's groomsman, "Jim", decided to get drunk. Whatever, no big deal, we all were a little sozzed. Jim, however, decided to get fall over, sloberknockered drunk, and on the bus ride from our wedding venue to the hotel, puked out the open bus window. We were on a large highway. His vomit traveled down the side of the bus and directly into the open window of my 80 year old grandmother and aunt visiting from the other side of the country. We don't speak to Jim any more.

3. Kelli's story on Facebook must have been upsetting at the time, but on the other hand at least it's been quiet since?

My worst wedding guest was my SIL (husbands brothers wife) She got so shitfaced (like usual) she threw candy at me during the speeches, slapped two groomsmen in the face, smashed cheesecake into my husband's eyes and grinded with her cousin during the mother/son dance. I was asked multiple times that night by family and friends what the hell was wrong with her... I just told them she was an alcoholic. It was humiliating. Almost 6 years later and we still haven't spoken.

4. Most couples worry they'll end up paying for meals of guests who cancel. Leigh had a different problem.

We had about two hundred of them.

We mailed 125 invitations and received RSVPs for approx. 200 guests.

When I arrived in the sanctuary to walk down the aisle, I saw at least twice that many people.

There were countless people who came through the receiving line afterward who said either "We heard you all were getting married", "We decided to stay after the morning service", etc.

The only "plus" was that the receiving line was so long, the majority of people got tired of waiting and left before we had to figure out how to feed them!

5. This story from an anonymous reader features a competition from a guest and the happy couple to be the worst people in the room.

So this wedding we went to was a mess before it even started. Some highlights:

Bride was 45 minutes late

Bride and groom had a fight at the alter and at the sweetheart table.

Bride was so drunk she laid on the dance floor and told people to dance around her.

Groom left early and before the bride.

But the best was the aunt of the groom, all night they had been playing Phil Collins. The song Gangnam Style came on and the groom started doing the dance at the point where he jigs his hips his aunt ran across the dance floor pushed him off the dance floor and yelled "no one wants to see that stop the music now," as that happened the Bride walked on the dance floor and puked in the middle. They are still married.

WWGAB (worst wedding guest and bride)

6. Sheena wrote in on Facebook with another popular genre: the couple who probably should stay away from all facets of the institution of marriage.

One of my bridesmaids brought her boyfriend of a few months. She was also cheating on him. She was also was pressuring him marry her. At the sight of my wedding vows he had what she described as an anxiety attack. During the reception he started freaking out to her about how he hated weddings and how he was itchy and sweaty.

She decided the best way to calm him down was to take him in the bathroom during the reception and bone him. Then she came back when they were through and proceeded to tell our whole table what they had just done. Also, it took her five years but she finally broke him down and they are getting married in four weeks. I'm sure it'll last. 🙄

7. Kristina wrote us on Facebook, and her worst wedding guest certainly isn't getting any #1 Dad mugs.

My worst wedding guest was my biological father. My step father has been a major part of my life for over 20 years so I asked him to give me away. My biological father has been in and out of my life my entire life and I really haven't seen him more than a handful of times since I was a teenager (I'm 31 now). Anyhow, my father showed up at the wedding in a ripped t-shirt, denim shorts, and grass stained sneakers.

He started crying when he saw my step father walk me down the aisle and got up walked out, not avoiding making a scene. My cousin (his nephew) ran out after him and my father told him that he thought he was going to walk me down. Dressed like that... yeah right. He ended up leaving before the reception started but not without making me feel like the worst daughter in the world.

All of his family, who were around and aware of all the times he abandoned me, said that I was cruel for doing that to him and left too. I to this day still feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I think about my wedding day.

It turned out that I made the right choice though. I've been married for 3 years and have 9 month old twins. I called him when I found out I was pregnant and he told me he couldn't wait to be a grandfather so he could fix the mistakes he made with me.

I haven't heard from him since and he lives less than a mile away from me.

8. Reader Kari has experience on both ends of the worst guest equation.

At my wedding, my step dad walked me down the aisle. My grandpa (my biological dads dad) brought his ex wife who he was dating again and after the ceremony she walked up to my step dad and told him " I just want you to know how uncomfortable you made everyone feel" because my family wanted my biological dad to walk me down the aisle.

Separate story, my husband was the best man in his best friends wedding. This friend got particularly trashed at our wedding so he decided to "get him back". He drank a fifth of whiskey before the ceremony. Barely made it down the aisle and then proceeded to stand over the buffet with fork in hand eating off of it. Then while waiting for the dance to start, yelled at me in front of everyone for letting him get so drunk. When he gave his best man speech he just talked about how the couple used to break up all the time until he was clapped off...

9. What is it about brothers' girlfriends, the most common entry for this category? Lea, for one, would like to know.

Here's one from my own wedding. Invited my brother, who I hadn't seen in ages. At the last minute, he asked if he could bring a guest. I agreed. We had buffets at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding.

At the rehearsal dinner, his guest, a girl (not sure if they were dating or what), pushes in front of the rest of my family and bridal party at the food line, and says, "Well, the bride has her food, so its my turn now." My brother wasn't even in line yet. She then kept him away from my family the whole night (mind you, we haven't seen him in months).

At the wedding she shows up in a dress the same color as my bridesmaids dresses (my brother had asked me what color they were wearing, and I told him she shouldn't wear that color specifically). Same thing at the wedding buffet - she pushes in right behind my husband and I, and then had the gall to complain about the food right behind me. She and my brother drink the whole night, ignore me and my family, and when they are leaving, my brother cussed me out and called me a drunk. I had one glass of wine.

I don't even remember this girl's name, but she shows up in all the pictures of my husband and I getting food.

10. Amy's story, sent via email, shows how every unhappy mother-in-law manages to be unhappy in their own special way.

I have a good one. It was my mother in law. The second we got engaged it was obvious to everyone that she was not excited to say the least. Throughout the whole planning process she continually brought up her friend's stepdaughter's wedding & how they were doing everything & how much nicer it was going to be. Very insulting to deal with.

Then on our wedding day at the reception she went around telling several female family members that I "didn't let her" get ready with us girls & she had to get ready alone, when even after her crap all along I had asked her to come with us to get ready & she said no, doesn't sound fun. She also told people that we spent too much money on the wedding, my mom paid for the wedding, so it was really a dig at her.

It was terrible, the only thing that could've made it worse is if she had given a speech but luckily she likes to keep her bullshit under wraps & just to family, so you know...they all are crazy & drama filled.

11. Amber wrote us with a very important reminder: kids can be the worst, too.

Not my wedding, but rather my aunt's.

The grooms nephews absolutely stole the show and made everyone uncomfortable. During the ceremony they had to be constantly shushed, told to sit down, and were generally the center of attention.

During the reception adults were given champagne and the kids were given sparkling apple juice. The boys went around trying to sip out of the glasses of any inattentive adults.

Instead of hiring a photographer disposable cameras were placed on the tables for reception photos. The boys learned if you slammed the camera against your hand the flash went off. Needless to say they ruined every single camera. They wouldn't leave my aunt alone either. They asked for her wedding bouquet, criticized the menu options, and kept asking why 'this thing has to be so damn long'. The groom kept apologizing and they ended up leaving early. They ended up divorcing and I have to say I feel like their behavior was an omen for things to come. Haha.

12. Wendi's short story on Facebook is the rare story of a disaster averted.

A girl that had a crush on my hubby came to our wedding in a wedding dress, then sat on his lap during the reception and hugged him. Needless to say, my three bridesmaids threw her out!

13. Brenda from Facebook would like to second the point about brothers' girlfriends.

At my wedding, during dinner I turned to my husband and said that my brothers gf didn't look to happy at the table they were sitting at. During speeches, I look over and she's got her legs up on the table, spread wide and she decided to go commando that day.

Try to ignore....next comes time for dancing, she's running around, screaming, breaking shit in the bathroom, yelling at my brother, swing my 8 and 10 yr old nieces around on the dance floor, stripping!

My brother is nowhere to be found now, he disappeared. I tried to ignore the best I could, found out later she had done a bunch of coke, plus the drinking and she was pissed at my brother because it wasn't them getting married! He got mad at her and went and passed out in the bushes! Fun times :)

14. OK, Nikki on Facebook, you kind of win since indoor motorcycles are involved.

My mom's half sister got married when I was like 13. The reception was at a hotel, and about halfway through, some former friends of the bride (5-6 of them who weren't invited) showed up and tried to start a fight. They got kicked out but they weren't done. They somehow got back in and rode three goddamn motorcycles through the fucking hotel's main floor. Needless to say, a ton of cops were called. After that settled down, the groom got so wasted he ended up doing drunken handstands on the dance floor and passed out.

15. Vanessa on Facebook finishes this off with the worst guest possible: a stranger who's also someone's boss.

My best friend's brother was getting married and at the last minute my best friend decided to bring her boss, 30 year old female with an attitude of entitlement, who was in the process of divorcing her heroin addict husband and father of her three young kids while, dating a drug dealer. She had gone from a strict Pentecostal to a binge drinking cocaine snorting bitch recently.

We all carpooled and during the reception and cake cutting they brought out bottles of champagne for every table. She proceeded to drink a few cups of it, and when the bottle was empty she went straight to guzzling a second bottle all to herself. Mind you she didn't know the groom or bride, had never even met them.

She became rude and sloppy drunk. The dinner was a burrito bar where she gorged herself. When the reception was over the family all went back to the groom's parents house for more drinks and leftovers and to hang out. She drank some whiskey and by evening she was passed out drunk on the parent's living room couch...but still conscious enough to start gagging.

My friend helped her stand up to try and make it outside but her boss ended up puking beans rice tomatoes lettuce salsa and booze ALL OVER HER PARENTS WHITE LIVING ROOM CARPET. It was a lost cause, so she sat her back down and for the rest of the night had to hold her hair and head up while the boss puked into a spaghetti pot on the couch.

Meanwhile, the groom's brother is scrubbing all the puke off the carpet. Later we carried her to the car and drove her home to her boyfriend and kids. The groom's parents had to get all new carpet installed and the boss ended up later throwing my friend under the bus at work. She had no humility or shame.

Thanks to all these terrific readers (and writers) who contributed their stories. If you'd like to participate in Volume II, email us at submissions@someecards.com with the subject "Worst Wedding Guest." Let us know how you would like to be credited (first name, anonymous, full name + link), we will use first names only as a default. Please do not include identifying information for the people in your stories.