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You can jump around in a bouncy house made of giant inflatable boobs if you like.

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Eyes down here!

I do honestly hope that you're not offended by the mere suggestion—and I'm certainly not implying that this is something that you'd necessarily enjoy—but I felt that it was my duty to inform you that, should you wish for such a thing, you could totally jump around inside a big bouncy house made out of a bunch of enormous inflatable boobs if that was something you wanted to do. 

Again, that might not be your thing. And I'm not suggesting it is or is not. Nor am I making a value judgement one way or the other. All I'm trying to do is let you know that if, by some chance, bouncing around against gigantic nipples and gargantuan areolas seemed like the kind of thing that you wanted to do, then you might want to consider visiting the Museum of Sex in Manhattan to check out their "Funland: Pleasures & Perils of the Erotic Fairground" exhibit.

Obviously, that's not for everybody. But even if that's not for you, you can always "scale a wall of orifices and appendages" on something called Grope Mountain. They have something for everybody.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


For better or worse.

Bear surprises child's birthday party by falling through skylight and eating all the cupcakes.

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Some one-year-old just got my birthday wish.

Alicia Bishop and Glenn Merrill were rushing around getting things ready for their child's first birthday party when a young black bear crashed through the skylight in their living room.

In my imagination, the scene looked something like this:

Only with a bear.

Merrill was in the room when it happened. He heard the skylight creaking, and the next thing he and the bear were face-to-face. They locked eyes and stared at each other in disbelief.

"I don't know who was more stunned," Merrill told the Juneau Empire. "I think both."

While the family left the living room and made sure their child was safe, the bear had his way with the cupcakes.

“The bear walks over and puts its paws up on the table and starts licking his birthday cupcakes, and I’m just like, you’ve got to be kidding me," says Bishop.

The couple opened a door that lead to the backyard and "shooed" the bear until he casually walked out, but that wasn't the end of the cupcake heist. He walked around the backyard and peered in through the window.

“It was up by the window like, ‘I want more cupcakes,’” Bishop said.

As unusual as it would seem for a bear to make an entrance like a muppet caper, it's not totally out of the norm when you are living in Alaska.

"There probably isn't a neighborhood or place where we have homes where the potential isn't there for you to run into a bear or observe a bear," said Ryan Scott of the Alaska Department of Fish and Game.

Or kill one. There's no way to be certain it was the cupcake bear, but Juneau police shot and killed a bear matching that description later that day and in the same area. Apparently the bear was trying to break into another home and threatening human life.

“It’s very common,” Scott said of the family's neighborhood. “That’s just a bear-y spot."

(by Myka Fox)

Productive day.

Busy schedule.

Dancing park ranger gets fired because killjoy mom can't handle his sick moves.

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I call this the 'Bear Scat Squat' y'all. Feel it!

Deryl Nelson, a 51-year-old (now former) park ranger in Tennessee, has more moves than trail mix has raisins. So many moves that he was known as "The Dancing Park Ranger" among fans. Unfortunately, some people, like frightened mom Melissa Parsons, just can't handle the sight of a human being surrendering his soul to a groove. So Parsons complained and got the man fired

Check out Deryl making love to the beat:

Oh SHIT!

As Parsons told WTVC TV, "As a parent and seeing all the parents that were covering their kids' eyes and turning their heads away, it wasn't something you would expect to see in Coolidge Park or anywhere from a grown man, especially a man in uniform."

Sorry, but the only uniform this man is wearing is the cloak of Dionysian revelry.

"He went all the way to the ground, he came back up from the ground," Parsons went on. "He was grabbing areas that you would see on a rated R movie." 

Rated R? Like Jon Favreau's food truck tour-de-force, Chef? But I heard it was a tasty cinema delight!

Parsons might be someone who sticks to pay cable channels, because if she ever watched network at 8 PM, she'd realize this guy isn't doing anything you wouldn't see on Dancing With The Stars, which is exactly where he will hopefully be competing very soon.

Nelson had developed a reputation around the park as The Dancing Park Ranger, and despite having been suspended for several days for an unrelated incident involving inappropriate words addressed to a coworker, he hadn't received any complaints until now.

"People just have nothing else to do but bash people," Nelson told WRCB TV. "No twerks, no jerking, no nothing." 

Here's a shot of him from that interview, wearing what is commonly known as the middle-aged man's "Jazz Hat."


(Via WRCB TV)

His fight for the freedom to jerk and twerk will go on. Nelson is appealing the termination, and becoming a folk hero for people who dig watching middle-aged men get their groove on in between directing hikers to a rest room.

(by Bob Powers)

Man puts his résumé where it's bound to be noticed: on beer.

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It's only a four-pack, because he needs employers to remember to hire him.

Brennan Gleason is a Canadian graphic designer who needed to get more work but didn't want to sacrifice the time he was spending making beer at home. So, naturally, he brewed up a nice blonde ale ("Gleason's Résum-ale"), printed out specially-made boxes and labels with his résumé printed on them (the labels on the bottles also each contain an image of Gleason's design work), and sent them to potential employers. I don't know if he's found any new work yet, but wouldn't be surprised if some of those lucky employers wrote back to ask for a keg-length version of his resume. If you want to act interested in Gleason's work in the hopes of scoring some Résum-Ale, you can check out his website.

While this résumé is just straight-up cool, you should also check out "16 completely insane résumés that may actually be better than yours."

International sport.


Post-game wrap-up.

The guy who walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back gave an interview. Very cool customer.

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"What's tonight's latest showing of 'Think Like a Man Too'?" (via)

Andrew Hardy, the man who inadvertently created what will no doubt be this year's most popular Halloween costume after strolling into a Queens McDonald's with a knife in his back, gave an interview to the NY Post where he pretty much solidified his status as one of the baddest dudes on the planet. 

When asked about his casual attitude towards being stabbed in the back, he said, "Shit, I got a cool demeanor."

No kidding. The average person creates more drama after being figuratively stabbed in the back. And the average McDonald's customer makes a bigger deal out of their fries being cold.

Hardy was on his way to meet his daughter to see Think Like a Man Too when he saw two guys fighting. When another guy jumped in making it a two-on-one beatdown, Hardy attempted to break it up. That's when he felt a sharp pain in his back and realized he might have more pressing issues than finding a good seat. So he walked across the street to McDonald's where he knew there would be cameras in case his attacker had plans to get his knife back and finish the job.


Before and after a load of laundry. (via) 

That's where Hardy called his daughter and said, "Yo, we might not be going to the movies. I got a knife sticking out of my back." Which makes it sound like their plans depended on the movie theater's policy regarding customers with blood pouring down the back of their shirts.

Not surprisingly, Hardy's daughter got upset the way you do after finding out your father has been stabbed.  He said, “I stood outside just talking to my daughter. Just staying calm. Probably longer than I should have — but that was my little comfort zone.”

Hardy eventually passed out in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. The identity of the attacker is still unknown. It's also not clear whether Hardy and his daughter have been able to see Think Like a Man Too yet.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 26, 2014

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1. John Boehner Is Planning To Unsuccessfully Sue Barack Obama

U.S. Speaker of the House John Boehner has announced that he is planning to sue Barack Obama for "ignoring the American people's elected representatives and exceeding his Constitutional authority." As soon as Boehner gets the President to sign a law that would give him the authorization to sue the President, the President will be in a lot of trouble.


2. Will Ferrell Promises To Bite Every German Soccer Player To Secure World Cup Win For U.S.

While attempting to amp up a crowd of American soccer fans in Recife, Brazil this morning, comedian Will Ferrell promised that he would do whatever it takes to grab another win for the U.S. World Cup team. "If the game gets close, I will bite you, bite you," he told any opponents who happened to be listening. "I will bite every German player if I have to," he pledged.


3. Your Favorite Beach Is A Restful, Idyllic Cesspool Of Rampant Bacterial Filth

According to new research, about one-in-ten U.S. beaches do not meet the EPA's water-safety standards and could give bathers any number of medical problems such as conjunctivitis, pink eye, or various neurological disorders. But that's only if any part of your body touches the water or sand. Just so long as you stay covered up, you should be fine.


4. Keira Knightley Only Receives $50K Salary From Her Multimillionaire Boss Keira Knightley

Despite being worth approximately $50 million dollars, British actress Keira Knightley only pays herself a $50,000 allowance every year. "I think living an [expensive] lifestyle means you can’t hang out with people who don’t live that lifestyle. It alienates you. Some of my best, most hilarious times have been in the least luxurious places." Funny. That's the same thing I tell myself to make myself stop crying when I'm balancing my checkbook.


5. New Yorkers Are Once Again Free To Murder Their Bodies With Enormous Portions Of Soda

New York City has now lost its final appeal in its continued effort to keep city residents from killing themselves by pouring absurdly large quantities of calorie-laden sugar water into their faces all day long. 


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Dad finds out that his missing son is alive during live television interview.

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"Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the most suspicious of them all?" (via YouTube)

12-year-old Charlie Bothuell went missing on June 14th. After police conducted an 11-day search, he was found alive yesterday, safe and sound in his dad's basement.

His dad found out last night in the middle of a live interview with Nancy Grace.

It's hard to watch Grace grill the father like a cartoon villain instead of congratulating him, but she clearly assumes a deception has taken place.

"How could your son be alive in your basement?"

Bothuell, speechless at first, stays on camera and searches his brain for a plausible explanation instead of, say, leaving to go to his son or demanding an opportunity to speak to him.

"I have no idea," he says.

Grace pushes him further, "Did you check your basement?"

"I checked my basement," he says. "The FBI checked my basement. The police checked my basement. My wife checked my basement. I've been down there several times. We've all been checking."

Grace isn't buying it. 

"I don't know why you guys would have reported him missing," she presses. "All our viewers have been on the lookout for him."

It would never occur to me to attack a man who has clearly just been through a trauma, but it is strange that Bothuell is seemingly unsurprised at being asked to defend himself.

Detroit Police Chief James Craig finds things strange as well.

"I've never seen anything quite like this," Craig told CNN affiliate WXYZ-TV.

"We found him barricaded in the basement, behind boxes and a large five-gallon drum." said Craig. "There's no way he could have erected this makeshift area of concealment."

There are reports that the father may be investigated for child abuse, and that the boy's step-mother might have helped him hide. Certainly something very strange has happened, and Nancy Grace is not having it. 

(by Myka Fox)

Watching a Golden Retriever eat corn on the cob like a cartoon character is the best way to meditate on the Internet.

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This dog eats corn like a Looney Tunes character. You can meditate to him.
Now is not the time to start asking questions.

Meet Coco-chan, the dog who relaxes millions of people online by calmly eating things. Coco-chan is a Golden Retriever, Coco-chan lives in Japan, Coco-chan is extremely polite (I already said it lived in Japan), and Coco-chan likes to slowly eat fruits and vegetables, which many people on the Internet apparently find soothing. Just in time for everyone's big July 4th barbecues, here's this happy pup eating some corn on the cob.

Listen carefully, there's a little typewriter "ding!" noise every time he finishes a row.

So, if you're under a lot of stress, consider adding this dog's YouTube channel to your daily viewing regimen. If physical health requires you to eat vegetables, mental health may require that you watch a dog calmly eating vegetables.

Does this make sense? No. Does it make me happy? Absolutely.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Fantasy football.

Afternoon break.


Foul jokes.

An open letter to Instagram butt-selfie queen Jen Selter.

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By Dan Abromowitz

Dear Jen,

Hope you are well! Great job with the fitness! I wish you the best. Now, please read the rest of this letter aloud, to your butt.

Jen's Butt,

Wow, okay. I've never communicated with a butt before (except for a single disastrous consultation with a specialized psychic) so cut me slack if I faux pas. It's just that I have so many questions, not just because you're a butt, but you're an accomplished butt to boot(y). A notable butt. The eyes of the world are upon you, Jen Selter's Butt.

I don't even know where to start. What is it to be a butt? Am I even speaking to a single entity? Our brains are two hemispheres working in tandem, creating a singular "self," but there's not much linking your cheeks but nearness and similarity and peak fitness. Are you "Lefty" and "Righto"? "Louie" and "Reggie"? JSB, who are you?

What's your perspective on the world, JSB? Do you ever get motion sick, bobbing from side to side? Can you feel that primal prickling when you're being stared at, or are you numb to it by now? Do you long to express yourself? Do you have no mouth but must scream? Or are you content in your silence, letting slip the occasional toot of satisfaction? Do you get more pleasure out of breathable or sweat-wicking fabrics, or is there a swaddling peace in the constriction of denim? Is leather a nightmare of sensory deprivation or a cosmic dream tunnel? Are thongs a violation or a thrill? Both?

Are you more at peace with excretion than we are, or does your proximity to the whole sordid affair only intensify the revulsion? Do you ever catch yourself longing for your wipe-and-powder youth? When you're perched above the bowl, are you confronted with or delighted by your reflection? Quilted Northern or Charmin?

Any tips on building a brand? My own butt looks like nothing so much as a loose pile of uncooked Pillsbury biscuits; ballpark, how many followers you think I could leverage that into? Hundo thousand? Two hundo thousand? I'm not looking to put in a lot of work here.

Do you like Jen? Does she appreciate you? Does she hold you to standards to which you wish you could hold yourself, or work you like a beast of burden? Is she a good co-worker? Who would you compare your relationship to? Riggs and Murtaugh? Turner and Hooch? Are you #TrueDetectiveSeason2? She seems maybe a little bland, personality-wise (you know how fitness people can be); how's the conversation? In the still of the night, does she whisper to you? Weird!

How do you feel about sex stuff? Does a firm, open-hand smack give you the right cocktail of damage and delight, or is it all pain for you in the service of a pleasure you'll never know?

Do you feel personal pride in your achievement as a Butt Of Note? Do you feel an affinity for the all-time greats: Lopez, Knowles, Kardashian? Are you Salieri to their Amadeus, forever toiling, never divine? Can you twerk? Do you suffer for Jen's fame, or is it striving? Would you feel content as anything less than you are now? In your heart of butts, do you crave a little flab to call your own? A little bit of softness, that you might relate to your fellow butt? A little bit of sweet surrender to the cool hands of time and gravity?

Wait, JSB: is Jen as we understand her just an extension of you? Or are you "Jen" most fully embodied, her essence sculpted in taut buttstuff? Given the choice, would you detach yourself? Do you crave autonomy or relish your symbiosis? Are you a totem? A horcrux? Are you flesh or image? Does worship suit or disgust you? Are you sick of these binaries, or do you embrace them in your dividedness?

Do you like being a butt? Would you rather be, say, a dog wearing a bandana? I think I would. Maybe that's what draws me to you, JSB: you are yourself, exemplified. I struggle every day to justify the absurd fact of my presence, but you? You are your greatest self. Even in repose, you are powerful. You are magnetic. The overbutt. Do I revolve around you? Do we all? Am I here to observe you, and you, simply, to be? What a blessing that would be, JSB, to be absolved of all striving. Is that release what love is? All-encompassing, divine love? Christ died in misery and pain to save us all, but all Jen had to do was a bunch of lunges. JSB, are you... God?

Anyways, lemme know.

Hang tight, and all the very best,

Daniel Joseph Abromowitz

(Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter)

The one life hack you definitely never knew you needed: How to slice a bunch of grapes in half at once.

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Are those secretly onions? Because this slicing job is so beautiful, I want to cry.

When I think about how much of my life I've spent slicing grapes in half, I can only think of one thing: I really don't eat enough fruit. That may change after this miraculous discovery, however. For anyone who makes a lot of salads or has kids, this video posted by a mom named Laura Mullins Goodhue will mark the first day of the rest of their lives:

You're welcome. Enjoy the extra several weeks of your lifespan I just gave back to you.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Winningest team.

Having fun.

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