My only motivation for going to the gym this year is that it might actually kill me.
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Lindsay Lohan baffles internet with bizarre poem about Syrian refuge crisis, her own crisis.
"Is Lindsay Lohan okay?" I ask myself at least once a week. And her latest social media activity has done little to assuage my concerns. The Mean Girlsactress, most recently starring in Lindsay Lohan's Life*, took to Instagram yesterday to share a poem she wrote about the Syrian refuge crisis. Or is it about the Lindsay Lohan crisis?
*not a real show. Or is it?
Let's see if we can figure it out. Here's the poem (at least until she deletes it, which she has already done once before re-posting):
LiLo captioned the post: "LL book*. Truth is being honest. #GiveBack."
*not a real book. Or is it?
Now let's analyze, because I didn't get an English degree for nothing! The opening line "sometimes i hear the voice of the one i loved the most" sure seems like it's about Lindsay Lohan crisis.
Then things take a surprising turn. "Who i am to be the girl who is scared and hurt, when most things that happen i cannot explain" she writes. Huh. Maybe this really is about Syria.
Then it gets back to Lindsay again. "I try to understand, when i'm sitting in bed alone at 3am," she writes. "So i can't sleep, i roll over. I can't think and my body becomes cold. I immediately feel older....."
But then, if you can overlook the grammar and punctuation, she makes some decent points about privilege and perspective: "Than i realise, at least I am in a bed. I am still alive. So what can really be said? Just go to bed and close the blinds."
She then drops what is perhaps the best line of the entire poem/2017 so far: "I cannot help but want to fix all these idle isis minds."
Did she just throw major shade at Isis AND imply that she wants to personally solve a global refuge crisis?
Yes.
Then there's this dramatic ending, wherein she proposes her own somewhat unorthodox solution:
if only I can keep trying to fix it all
I would keep the world living loving and small
I would share my smiles
and give too Many kisses.
I guess you could say the poem is all-encompassing: it's about Syria. And it's about Lindsay.
To her credit, the actress has volunteered with Syrian refuge kids in the past, and told Page Six last month that she planned to spend more time helping refugees in the New Year. Which is more than can be said for most of us.
But though I admire her literary pursuits and desire to solve a global refuge crisis, I also hope she sticks to her day job: being Lindsay Lohan. She's great at that.
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Restaurant fires employee who refuses to sign ridiculously demeaning 'agreement.'
An unidentified restaurant is stirring up a whole pot of controversy on Reddit with an incredibly insulting "agreement" forced on its entire staff. The contract was posted to the site by user 00generic, who captioned it: "Not sure where to post. My cousin's job just asked her to sign this and fired an employee who refused." Even if you've never worked in the service industry, this thing will make your blood boil.
The contract reads:
Agreements!
My name is _______ I agree to pay these amounts of money:
If I have my phone out during working hours.
-1st time – $2.00
-2nd time – $5.00
-3rd time – $10.00When I give the male customer straws (give only if they ask)
-1st time – $.025
-2nd time – $0.50
-3rd time – $0.75If I do not get my side work check by one of my co-worker
-1st time – $5.00
-2nd time – $10.00
-3rd time – $20.00If I do not say "hi" or "bye" to the customers
-Each time will be a $1.00
I have read and fully understand the agreement up top:
Date: _______
Sign: _______
Redditors agreed: this is bogus and probably illegal. But many of them had the same question: what's with the straws?
This has to be among the top 4,000 most disgusting things to ever happen in a restaurant. Servers deserve more respect than this. Anyone who has to stand for five hours without dropping their smile should be able to bring straws to whoever they want.
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Woman leaves her purse in an Uber, driver takes it on a big adventure.
New Year's Eve is like the Superbowl for Ubers—drunk people and surge times galore.
When Redditor DentalDan23 (of course there were already 22 Dental Dans on Reddit)'s friend left her purse in an Uber, it turned out that her purse was having more fun without her.
She got her phone back the next day, only to find pictures on her missing phone worthy of Pee-wee's Playhouse
"Friend left her purse in an Uber on NYE. Found some interesting pictures on her phone when she retrieved it the following day," DentalDan23 wrote.
The commenters were in awe.
"To whomever did this: if you are female, will you marry me. If you are male, can we grab a beer sometime. It's on me, you glorious bastard!" Dougholes wrote.
We haven't heard from Paul Reubens in awhile...maybe Pee-wee Herman was the Uber driver?
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How long will you keep your new year's resolutions?
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Hot Topic employee records insane conversation with 'dragon' customer, goes viral.
A 24-year-old man named Jeremy, who works at the Hot Topic in his local Pennsylvania mall, has gone viral by recording a truly mind-blowing conversation he had with a customer. The man, a self-described "dragon," started chatting Jeremy up with talk about his dragon father, the nature of power, that "f**king retard" Lucifer, and how he wanted to bind Jeremy's soul in return for blood. All the while, Jeremy remained relentlessly supportive.
Jeremy's original tweet (which has since been deleted) blew up, surprising no one. In barely 12 hours, it was retweeted more than 82,000 times, and received more than 163,000 favorites. The people of Twitter had lots of questions, and Jeremy was more than happy to answer.
The video quickly received the meme treatment.
And of course, Jeremy approved.
Is it right to laugh at this young dragon's religious beliefs? No. But then again, he's going after people's souls. He's no saint.
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'Sister Wives' daughter Mariah comes out as gay.
The first Sister Wives episode of the New Year came with a bit of a plot twist. Mariah Brown, the 21-year-old daughter of Kody and Meri Brown came out to her polygamist family as gay.
Though it's still a little unclear how her family is taking the news, Mariah was overwhelmed with support and well-wishes from fans after the episode aired, and took to Twitter to thank them.
Though the Browns' Mormon Fundamentalist religion has some pretty strict sanctions against homosexuality, the Browns themselves previously said that they support gay marriage during an interview with HuffPost Live back in 2013.
You can watch a small clip from Entertainment Tonight of the Browns' daughter Mariah coming out to her family below, but it's hard to judge how exactly the they feel about it. I guess we'll have to wait until next week's episode of Sister Wives to find out.
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Renaissance statue banned from Facebook for being too erotic.
Oh my god: Facebook has banned Neptune, Roman God of the Sea, from appearing on the site in all His glory, proving that sixteenth-century nudes can be too damn erotic.
Zooming in:
A picture of the exquisitely sculpted deity was featured on writer Elisa Barbari's page, "Stories, curiosities and views of Bologna," full of travel tips and tidbits. When Barbari uploaded the pic of the Piazza del Nettuno in Bologna, Facebook immediately popped up (much like viewers of the fountain) and blocked it, calling the image "explicitly sexual."
Barbari spread the word of Facebook's inability to appreciate sixteenth century masterpieces, but Facebook defended their ban.
"The use of images or video of nude bodies or plunging necklines is not allowed, even if the use is for artistic or educational reasons," a Facebook spokesperson told CNN, but later reversed the decision.
Facebook still hasn't been reinstated the image, even after reversing the ban.
"In the past, I have flagged inappropriate content to Facebook myself -- fake news, violence on animals... Things that really need to be censured, not art. I don't know what to think, it's ridiculous, Barbari added.
"I am guessing this hasn't landed on Zuckerberg's desk yet. There is nothing vulgar in a work of art."
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Dr. Pimple Popper welcomes back an old patient whose cysts have refilled with 'linguine.'
Dr. Pimple Popper previously struck viral gold with a patient she dubbed "The Quiet Man." Like "Momma Squishy," this laconic fellow suffers from steatocystoma multiplex, causing small oily cysts to appear across much of his body. They also tend to refill when excised, which is why he visited Dr. Lee once again, to have her squeeze some greasy yellow "linguine" out of his arm.
Like Dr. Lee herself, her patients are gifts that never stop giving.
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I need a drink just to listen to why you're not drinking this January.
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That hot mugshot guy who went viral is now living the playboy life he always deserved.
If you're anything like me, you never stopped loving Jeremy Meeks, AKA Hot Mug Shot Guy. His mug shot went viral three years ago after being convicted of extreme sexiness (and also a bunch of weapons charges). By the time he got out of jail, he signed a modeling contract and was poised for greatness.
By the looks of this $150k Maserati, Meeks' greatness has been achieved.
He was only released from prison March last year, and in that time he has earned that Maserati, as well as the giant mansion hiding behind it.
Here's a better, shirtless, view of that mansion.
His Instagram account already has 666K followers.
In spite of the demonic number, Meeks swears he's a changed man, and makes sure to post "God is good" on each picture.
Here's his family, with his wife of eight years to prove how good.
And he deserves the success, doesn't he? He was a sinner but now he's got a big bright future of making women happy. I dare you to look at this picture without making guttural noises.
Ungghhhhhhh...
White jeans after labor day? Fine, he can do it.
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Trump followed and quickly unfollowed 'Emergency Kittens.' Twitter lost its mind.
BREAKING NEWS: On the first day of 2017, our President-elect followed, then soon unfollowed, a popular Twitter account called Emergency Kittens.
He only follows 42 people, so this is MAJOR news (in the insane world we live in where Twitter follows are "news" and Donald Trump is "president").
Emergency Kittens has 1.86 million followers, because in these dark times, everyone needs more kittens in their news feed. And for an internet-shattering few hours, one of those followers was Donald Trump. He followed the account on January 1st, prompting this tweet:
Detectives of the internet quickly figured out what this "bang" referred to.
The news quickly spread, and Twitter literally couldn't even.
He literally did.
Some people blamed the Russians.
A few people made this joke, which Trump was basically asking for.
Emergency Kittens took matters into their own paws (sorry), and tried to reach out to the President-elect to test his cat-humor. But alas, it was too late.
A heartbroken and confused Twitter-sphere struggled to understand what had just happened.
And one brave soldier took action.
This probably won't be the move to get the future President kicked off Twitter. But I admire Brian for trying.
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Rockettes get zero sympathy from their boss over Trump inauguration controversy.
ICYMI: The Rockettes will be performing at Trump's inauguration on January 20th, even though many of them really, really don't want to. And that's not all.
Last month, Madison Square Garden executive chairman James Dolan called a meeting with the dancers on December 27 to discuss their participation in the controversial inauguration. And apparently by "discuss," he meant tell the Rockettes to STFU and dance.
An audio recording of the meeting was leaked to MarieClaire, who published excerpts. It's mostly Dolan, a 61-year-old white male, mansplaining politics to the dancers and informing them it's an "honor" to perform. He even told them to "be tolerant of intolerance."
James Dolan and Radio City Music Hall have received some backlash since the announcement, which Dolan called "ironic." "I get all of these emails, too, from people saying, 'Don't perform for this hateful person,'" he said. "And then they proceed to spew out this diatribe of hate."
This prompted a dancer to point out: "I mean, it just sounds like you're asking us to be tolerant of intolerance." And Dolan responded: "Yeah, in a way, I guess we are doing that. What other choices do we have? What else would you suggest?"
Dolan seemed to turn a blind eye to the dancers concerns, and went on instead about how the inauguration would affect the Rockettes' "brand."
"I don't believe it's going to hurt the brand," he said. "And nobody is more concerned about that than the guy sitting in this chair. I'm about to spend $50 million remounting this summer show. I'm going to spend a similar amount remounting next year's Christmas show. I gotta sell tickets. ... A good portion of people voted for this person. Hopefully they will like our brand. If one percent of one percent of them come to our show, we're going to do great."
Easy for him to say.
It also looks like this won't be the last of the Rockettes unwilling involvement with Trump. "We'll probably dance on July 4, and hopefully nobody will have problems with that," added Dolan, in what sounds a lot like a threat.
If you think you're in for a long four years, at least you're not a Rockette. And if you are, I'm sorry.
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Happy January birthday to someone who deserves the highest caliber of regifted Christmas presents.
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Janet Jackson had a baby and gave it a name for fame.
What have you done so far in 2017? Gone to the gym once and cried at your desk twice? Just me? Well, Janet Jackson had a baby. At age 50, which is pretty damn impressive of her (and IVF technologies, probably). She can probably take the rest of 2017 off.
The music icon and her husband Wissam Al Mana welcomed a baby boy yesterday, an unnamed source confirmed to US Weekly."Janet had a healthy baby boy today," said the source. "They are thrilled."
I don't always trust an unnamed source. But this story checks out. Nine months ago, Jackson suggested in a not-so-subtle tweet that she was pregnant, and confirmed her pregnancy in October (we all had to pretend to be surprised).
The baby's name is Eissa. Eissa Al Mana. That's a name for fame right there.
Jackson also had a "stress free" delivery, at least according to her rep. "Janet had a stress free healthy delivery and is resting comfortably," said a statement from her rep. Though I believe she's resting comfortable, I'm slightly more suspicious about the "stress free" part. Because from what I've heard, having a baby is no joyride.
But hey, if anyone is going to pop out a baby at age 50 and be stress free about it, it's Janet Jackson. The OG of nasty women.
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Let's be skipping-the-gym buddies.
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Congressman grounds son for embarrassing Paul Ryan during a photo op.
Congressman Roger Marshall has informed House Speaker Paul Ryan that he has grounded his son for dabbing at a photo op at his swearing in on Tuesday. The Kansas Representative's 17-year-old son Cal Marshall utilized the photo shoot to turn his family into a meme, affirming what we all already know: teenagers are the worst.
Republican Kansas Rep. Roger Marshall stood proudly for the picture when his idiot son, just inches to his left, tried to make a mockery of his family on one of the most important days of his father's political career.
"You all right?" asked the Speaker.
"I’m all right," replied Marshall, who is still mid-dab. Literally, the kid doesn't even un-dab while talking to the Speaker of the House. I also hate that his actions just made me type the word 'un-dab' as if that is actually a thing.
"Can you put your hand down?" asks Ryan, who wanted no part of becoming the joke of the internet (again).
After the picture was finally taken, Ryan asked Marshall if he was posing with his elbow in front of his face because he was going to sneeze. It is cold and flu season, after all. He responded by saying, "don't worry about it," which is the appropriate answer if you are a little sh*t who still thinks dabbing is funny.
Of course, the internet wasted no time explaining what "dabbing" is to Ryan, who could not have cared less.
Representative Marshall, however, didn't take the prank lightly.
Hopefully his son will be grounded until dabbing goes to the fad graveyard, right along with planking and Tebowing. Remember those? Yeah, that's what I thought.
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Here's a bunch of people on Twitter having a hilarious argument about Sunny Delight.
Just before Christmas, when time slows to a baby crawl and people try anything to get through their last moments before vacation, two powerful tweets ignited a savage attack on that delicious children's beverage, Sunny Delight.
The responses to the two scholarly viewpoints: Sunny D is great vs. Sunny D is nasty, were swift, varied, and passionate. Here's some of the best.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Ok, so there weren't really that many clever jokes in defense of Sunny Delight. But there were a few peeps like this guy:
And really, he's more passionate than anyone, because he didn't even waste time coming up with a joke. He just needed you to respect the D.
Sunny Delight, send him a case of your finest clown urine.
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James Corden thanks George Michael for helping him create Carpool Karaoke.
The Late Late Show just returned from holiday break, and on Tuesday night, host James Corden took some time in the beginning of the show to pay tribute to pop superstar (and anonymous philanthropist) George Michael, who died on Christmas day. "I feel like I've loved George Michael as long as I've kind of loved music, in a way, and I know so many of his fans feel the same," he said.
Corden talked about how much he loved Michael's music, and also thanked him for helping create what would eventually become Carpool Karaoke, a hugely popular segment on the Late Late Show in which singers drive around with Corden, singing along to their own hits on the car stereo.
In 2011, George Michael and James Corden did a sketch together for Comic Relief for England's Red Nose Day.
In this sketch, the idea was that a character from a sitcom I was in at home was driving to the offices of Comic Relief to try and save Red Nose Day. We had come up with this idea to have me and George Michael singing in a car. It was the first time I'd ever sung in a car with anybody. It's become quite a big part of my life now, and he really inspired it.
Having a huge star like George Michael do this bit with James Corden is what convinced huge star Mariah Carey to also give it a try, making her the first official Carpool Karaoke guest. According to Corden, she said, "If it's good enough for George, then it's good enough for me. I'll do it."
Corden continued,
So, we all have so much to thank him for, for the music that he's given that will last forever. But we personally, here at this show, we owe him so much.
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Ellen DeGeneres boots singer Kim Burrell from show after homophobic rant.
Singer Kim Burrell was set to appear on Ellenthis Thursday, but after a video of her preaching about the "perverted homosexual spirit" went viral last week, Ellen DeGeneres has confirmed she's no longer welcome.
Burrell was captured on video at a church in Houston, where she is a pastor. You can find the full video below. She later took to Facebook Live to address the subsequent controversy, reportedly saying she had to "do what God tells me to do. I make no excuses or apologies."
Her non-apology is now deleted.
Burrell had planned to perform "I See a Victory" with Pharrell Williams.
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