It should be a simple request, but anyone who's ever tried to cancel their cable knows the struggle. Veronica Belmont and husband Ryan Block were trying to shut down their Comcast service, having switched to another provider. Unfortunately, Belmont encountered the customer retention specialist who would not die. 

After about ten minutes of utter frustration, Belmont handed the phone to Block to finish the job, and he recorded the rest for our pleasure and pain.

It's now a document. This phone call is the sound of a (hopefully) dying industry desperately trying to stay alive.

(by Bob Powers)

Drunker than Charlie Sheen at a Taco Bell drive-thru. (via Getty Images)

CHARLIE SHEEN MEETS TWO FANS AT A TACO BELL DRIVE THRU: A PLAY IN ONE ACT.

JAYDEN and TAMARA are sitting in their car waiting for the Taco Bell line to proceed, when they spot CHARLIE SHEEN, chilling in the landscaped foliage, and "totally fuckin' hammered."

Jayden: Oh sweet! Look! It's Charlie Sheen and he looks totally fucking hammered. I'm going to get this on tape. Charlie! Charlie!

Tamara: Do NOT invite him over to the car.

Jayden: C'mon, this is awesome! He's the fucking man. 

Tamara: No! I don't want you getting Sheen's puke everywhere.

Jayden: Let's see if I can get him to take his shirt off. I'm such a big fan of this guy.

Tamara: Well, I'm not.

Jayden: Charlie!

Jayden turns the camera on, and the scene unfolds...

(by Myka Fox)

If you're wondering, yes, that is a chimp applauding the extinction of mankind.

How many movies about scientists accidentally creating genocidal super-apes do we need to make before we finally learn not to tempt fate? Apparently, more than "a bunch," because that's how many Planet of the Apes films have been made since Charlton Heston first damned those dirty apes way back when. Nevertheless, the folks at the Myrtle Beach Safari in South Carolina thought taking their apes out to watch Caesar lead the simian revolution was a good idea.

"Hail, Caesar."

Vali and Sugriva are two two-year-old Chimpanzees who live at the Safari. According to Dr. Bhagavan Antle, the Safari's director, the two love television and were big fans of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the previous PotA installment. So, their handlers decided to take them out for a night on the town at BigD Cinema, both to bring attention to the Safari & the Rare Species Fund, and just for the fun of it. The apes both loved popcorn, they clapped and hooted for the humans (a clever ruse, guys), and occasionally hid in fear at the violence. 

Apparently, they also brought with them a case of the virus from the movie that turns humans into idiots, because many of those human idiots were legitimately afraid that the two simian buddies would learn from the movie. Said Dr. Antle, "A couple of people said very clearly, 'are you sure they should watch this movie? Won't they learn to take over the world?' There were several people actually concerned about that."

I, on the other hand, am afraid that they will turn malevolent when they see the various sequels to (and TV show of) Planet of the Apes that got made in the 70s. When they see that, I really can't blame them if they wipe us out.

(by Johnny McNulty)

The woman in the boat. (via)

Japan has a reputation for being futuristic. They are the birthplace of the high-speed rail and the alarm clock pillow, yet somehow they are still trapped in a time where female genitalia is obscene. 

Last week Megumi Igarashi, an artist who works under the alias Rokudenashiko -- which roughly translates to “good-for-nothing girl” -- was arrested for breaking obscenity laws the prohibit the display of genitalia after distributing data that can be used to print out 3-D versions of her vagina, AKA a "vagina selfie."

According to The Guardian, the data was emailed to people who contributed to her crowd-funded project to make a "pussy boat." Literally, a kayak fashioned from a mold of her vagina that can be rowed across an ocean. She calls it "the world's first 3-D scanned peach on the beach," and says that the 3-D data is necessary to make the art anatomically precise, and that, "mold by hand has the limitation. It is extremely difficult to make precise mold. Even when successful, silicone mold will gradually deteriorate, which makes mass production difficult [sic]."

She has also made other artistic pieces with her vagina's likeness, or, as she explains on her crowd-funding website, "I make art pieces with my mold pussy, which I would rather call Manko(MK)."

Yes, I prefer the term Manko to "mold pussy," myself.

Curious language translations aside, what she is doing is an artistic endeavor to make female genitalia more acceptable in a country where male genitalia is hypocritically celebrated and displayed with a yearly parade. 

Rokudenashiko explains:

I had not seen pussy of others and worried too much about mine. I did not know what a pussy should look like at the same time I though mine is just abnormal. Manko, pussy, has been such a taboo in the Japanese society. Penis, on the other hand, has been used in illustrations and signed as a part of pop culture. But pussy has never been so cute....I wanted to make pussy more casual and pop. That’s how I came to make a pussy lampshade, a remote-controlled pussy car, a pussy accessary, a pussy smartphone case, and so on.

Poppin' Pussies. (via)

The Japanese are not ready for her to demystify female organs, and have slapped her with obscenity charges that, if convicted, could place her in jail for up to two years, or land her a fine of as much as 2.5 million yen ($24,500). Rokudenashiko claims she has done nothing wrong. She hasn't been selling the images for money, and, importantly, she doesn't see her vagina as obscene.

Hopefully Rokudenashiko can continue to make her vaginal art and free Japan from being trapped in the past, if only so that the rest of the world can continue to free themselves from being trapped in vaginal art. 

(by Myka Fox)

1. Dark Days Continue For Bigoted Nerds — Marvel Announces New Thor Will Have Weird Lady Parts

It's been a rough couple years for pasty white comic-book dorks who get enraged at the thought that the world of nerddom might not revolve around their pasty white asses. First, they had to deal with a half-black/half-Latino Spider-man. Then came the Muslim Ms. Marvel and the all-woman X-Men team. Now, their beloved God of Thunder is going to have prominent boobs. Marvel announced yesterday on The View yesterday that, for the first time ever, a woman will wield Thor's mighty hammer Mjolnir. The same one that was once carried by an alien horse named Beta Ray Bill.

"Excuse me, my hammer is UP HERE." - Female Thor

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 15, 2014

2. Was Derek Jeter's Completely Worthless All-Star-Game Double Somehow Tainted?

Some people think that sports statisticians (the ones who actually care about the events of the totally unimportant and barely watchable annual MLB All-Star games, at least) might have to place an asterisk next to N.Y. Yankee Derek Jeter's two-for-two hitting game last night, after St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright joked (maybe) that he was going easy on the soon-to-be-retiring Hall-of-Fame shoo-in. "I was going to give him a couple of pipe shots. He deserved it," Wainwright said, before later claiming he was joking and stating erroneously that "this game means something."

I know it's the rules, it just doesn't seem fair that Derek Jeter has to be taken behind Yankee Stadium and shot when he retires. #RE2PECT

— Krister Johnson (@KristerJohnson) July 16, 2014

3. Extremely Rich People Might Be Even More Extremely Rich Than We Thought

While it has been generally assumed that the nation's richest 1 percent was in possession of 30 percent of all the national wealth, that estimate is likely off, according to a new report. The actual number may be as high as 35 or 37 percent. "Our results clearly indicate that survey wealthy estimates are very likely to underestimate wealth at the top," economist Philip Vermeulen explained. The upside is that they're still letting the rest of us split the remaining 63 percent between the 310 million of us. For now.

Plan A: Get rich. Plan B: Hate rich people.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 9, 2014

4. Terrifying Celebrity Stalkers Really Stepping Up Their Terrifying Game Lately

No longer content with merely lurking ominously on shadowy street corners outside the homes of the objects of their delusions, some celebrity stalkers are pushing forward into scarier, more-overlty criminal behavior. Sandra Bullock's stalker recently made it all the way to the outside of the Oscar-winning actress's bedroom door before police were alerted, and another somewhat-more-confused stalker broke into the Kennedy compound in Massachusetts looking for pop singer Katy Perry.

Say what you will about celebrity stalkers, they do not lack for self-esteem.

— Liam McEneaney (@HeyItsLiam) October 18, 2013

5. Kim Kardashian Now Comes In App Form

In one of the most depressingly ingenious moves in recent years, gaming company Glu Mobile decided to rebrand its already-moderately successful smartphone game Stardom Hollywood as Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, while adding in some pictures of the game's new namesake professional famous person. The new-and-Kardashian-approved version of the free-to-download app is expected to pull in about $200 million annually from advertising and in-app purchases.

I can't download the Kim Kardashian app because I will 100 percent spend money on it. Being an addict means knowing your limits.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) July 11, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This is how most TV chefs seem any time they leave the subject of food.

Man, Weird Al is really nailing the style of Weird Al this week. This parody of Lorde's ubiquitous 2013 hit "Royals" has all the hallmarks of a classic Yankovic spoof: a seemingly-innocuous play on words "oh, hey, it's about keeping food preserved. That's silly," that slowly escalates into utter insanity (or, if you believe the video, utter truth).

Al's new album, Mandatory Fun, has been notable so far for its very spot-on take on modern Internet culture. The first video, "Tacky," had a plethora of references to Internet etiquette, while the second, "Word Crimes" was about bad grammar in general but particularly online. This video is a pretty good description of a particular type of crazy that has become more and more popular in the past decade or so—the kind that believes in shape-shifting reptilian Illuminati overlords and their quest to control media through Project MKUltra and Project Monarch, two of the best-known secret population control and celebrity brainwashing initiatives. And shape-shifting reptilian point-man Patton Oswalt wants you to know that that is ridiculous.

One question remains, though: why this song? After all, Al must know that there's a conspiracy theory saying that Lorde is not actually as young as she says she is...just like he must know that naming his parody of "Blurred Lines" "Word Crimes" puts it one word away from "Sex Crimes," which is what a lot of people say "Blurred Lines" is endorsing. Al is deep, guys. There's levels to this shit.

Check back tomorrow for Weird Al's next video.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Finally, someone who's high enough to have an excuse for vertical video.

Hooo boy. A girl went to go get her wisdom teeth out and, for some reason, her mom and doctor allowed her to play with her phone afterwards while she was waking up from anesthesia. During this time, she made many embarrassing revelations (most importantly that she wants a.) Ryan Gosling, b.) "to fuck white dick," and c.) to be a Kardashian) and also advances on her hot doctor. I'd feel bad, but as you can see, she was really excited about the attention she was getting when Tyler Oakley retweeted her Vine:

Notable Quotes:

"I want to have sex with Ryan Gosling."
"I want white dick. I want to fuck white dick."
"I want to be famous. I just want to be a Kardashian."
"Is this what marijuana feels like? 'Cuz I don't like it."

This girl's Vine profile has since vanished in the wake of all the attention her (understandable) desire to be a world-famous reality star who has access to Ryan Gosling's eggshell-colored love shaft. Or, maybe Vine took it down because she's pretty foul-mouthed. They left up this video, though, and we can all be grateful. Of course, in case they take it down, there's always this copy that was posted to reddit:

It's always good to have a backup when it comes to other people's embarrassing videos.

(by Johnny McNulty)

I know the suspense lasts longer than most deodorants, but wait for it.

I'm not kidding. This product review really badly for Scott Romine, and not because it was a stupid idea to do this product review in the first place, not because he decided to do it shirtless, and not even because it's shot in vertical video.

The only person who comes out of this looking good is the giggling kid holding the camera who keeps saying that he's going to put this online.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Four legs good. Two legs-two wheels better. 

Listen, it's important that you understand that while you're trudging through crowded city's streets, sullenly sweltering on subway platforms, and/or staring impotently across a sea of unmoving traffic on your long commute home, somewhere a lucky person is playing fetch with a pack of blissfully happy paraplegic dogs outfitted with rear-wheels:

In this particular video, that lucky person is Gritta Goetz, proprietor of the Gnadenhof Lanzenhainer Rasselbande animal sanctuary in Lanzenhain, Germany. But it's a big world, and there are probably others. It's important that you understand the vast discrepancy between how your life is and how your life could be.

Okay, maybe it's not "important," but I do think it's funny.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

It's been staring right at us this whole time.

For years, people have looked at Joaquin Phoenix and been baffled. They all agreed he was a good actor, but they also agreed that something just wasn't quite right. For a while, we thought it might have been because he was crazy, or maybe just acting crazy for the purposes of a documentary. That was not the issue. The issue was that he had a tiny second face within his existing face. This cranial Kuato was cleverly hidden by using Joaquin's forehead wrinkles for a mouth and his head hair as a goatee. The secret has been revealed, however, thanks to a group of giggling friends who spotted the bizarre acting parasite on Phoenix's face while watching Her. Rotate your entire head to the left if you want to watch it, too.

We have to be careful now that it knows we've seen it. Is it just a small vestigial person, or does that face actually belong to the leader of a force of alien invaders preparing to take our planet, who happened to infiltrate his face during the filming of Signs? Our top investigators are currently watching Gladiator to see if it was still there at the time of his (historically atrocious) portrayal of Emperor Commodus.

(by Johnny McNulty)

She's the only one smiling...

Hey you guys! It finally happened! Some outsider moved into Brooklyn and then acted like they originated it!

Caty Shaw AKA Fake Kreashawn moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn from Virginia about 5 minutes ago and is ready to tell you all about how hard Brooklyn girls go. 

Her song, "Brooklyn Girls," unapologetically co-opts all the hipster girl cliches into one tidy song: spontaneous backyard dance parties, breaking bottles onto graffiti (what?), facial piercings (she has none but, you know, she found a couple people who did and shoved them in front of a camera in exchange for some dirty street noodles), and so so many shots of combat boots. The biggest hipster cliche of all is generalizing that the Williamsburg/Bushwick part of Brooklyn represents all of Brooklyn, which is frickin' huge, and most of its population has never heard of Neon Indian, let alone heard them before they were cool. Her voice reminds me of that one girl from that one song, and the general musicality of the track shares all the creativity of a game of beer pong. 

Get ready to hate this, because it has been a long weekend since Rebecca Black's Friday. 

How does gentrification feel now, hipsters?

(by Myka Fox) 

"I know nothing." — Jon Snow

Spoiler Alert! Well, kind of Spoiler Alert, I guess. Really it's probably more of a Speculation Alert, because the theory about Jon Snow's mother outlined in this video is based entirely on information from the first couple books of A Song of Ice and Fire, the events of which have all played out in the first few seasons HBO's Game of Thrones. So, it's not really giving any new information, per se.

That said, this theory (which is so old it was originally published on an Angelfire page) seems pretty rock solid and receives near-universal acceptance from fans. In fact, it's pretty likely that it was David Benioff & D.B. Weiss's understanding of it that impressed George R.R. Martin enough that he signed off on letting them adapt his novels for television. So, maybe it is kind of a Spoiler Alert. But only for stuff that Martin clearly intended for fans to be able to tease out on their own.

At any rate, I don't think it ruins the story. In fact, I think it makes it even more awesome. It lets you look at Jon Snow in a whole new way. I mean, it's not like it's telling you how Jon Snow gets morphed into a ice dragon and then marries Cersei. That would require an actual Spoiler Alert!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

His foot is not that big, although that would be useful in soccer. I think. Maybe.
Whatever, I'm American.

If you're reading this, you are probably American (according to Google Analytics), and so you may or may not have learned German attacking midfielder Mesut Özil's name during the World Cup. I mean, yes, Germany won, but Mesut Özil is not the kind of name that rolls of American tongues. But what if I told you that he was awesome? What if I told you that before the World Cup, he paid for surgery for 11 Brazilian kids (in conjunction with BigShoe) as kind of a housewarming present for hosting the Cup?

And what if I told you he was upping that pledge after winning?

Our embed is on the fritz. Here's the YouTube link and the Big Shoe link.
(via Facebook)

That's what you do when you win, people. A lot of people on Facebook are making a big deal about this being a wonderful example of Muslim charity, but I think the story here is about what it means to be a person. (There is a false story being spread that he gave the money to children in Gaza instead, which his spokesperson denies and just seems like a way to turn something really nice into something controversial for no reason.) After all, if you ignore the massive corporate sponsorships and government pork for infrastructure projects, isn't this what the World Cup is all about?

Can he get another trophy for being cool? And for muscle definition in his groin area?
(via Facebook)

Just so you know, you can actually be this cool without playing soccer. You don't have to win a World Cup to help kids. It certainly makes them more excited to see you, though.

(byJohnny McNulty)