If you wanted to see what a "manuscripts expert" having an orgasm looks like, today's your day.

On Sunday's episode of the BBC'sAntiques Roadshow, old-book-lover Matthew Haley came across a notebook of "scientific scholarly notes" about William Shakespeare written by a contemporary. He could barely contain his delicate British excitement.

"My goodness, is this a good thing."

A man brought the notebook to Haley, which had been passed down in his family for generations. If he values it at all, he might think twice about leaving it alone with the expert, who might joyfully throw up on it at any second.

"Flicking through this, it is a 17th century hand. This is somebody making notes in the same century as Shakespeare. Anything, really, from the same century as him, about him, is of huge interest."

Don't rip it!

"When the value to scholarship is this great, the commercial value also has to be great."

Once he calmed down enough to think, Haley valued the item at over £30,000, or about $38,000.

So kids, don't throw out your old notebooks. Nerds will buy them in four hundred years for tons of sweet, sweet future dollars.

5. Scarlett Johansson, because her robot movie self-destructed.

This past weekend was the opening of the highly-anticipated new sci-fi thriller Ghost in the Shell. On paper, this movie had everything you could ask for in a blockbuster: Scarlett Johansson as a sexy robot, scary holograms… it was even adapted from a Japanese anime! What more do you want, America?

But unfortunately, it was not to be. Ghost in the Shell opened to an extremely disappointing $19 million in domestic box office grosses, barely 17% of its $110 million budget. (I used a calculator to figure out that percentage, because I am not a sexy robot.) It was totally dominated by The Boss Baby, also in its opening weekend, which pulled in $49 million.

Among the clouds hanging over Ghost's head were the lingering allegations of whitewashing—specifically, the casting of Johansson in a role that originated as a Japanese woman (robot) in the source material. Some said that the film was yet another example of Hollywood insisting that audiences will accept a main character who is a badass cyborg flipping off buildings and getting USB cables plugged into her head—as long as she's white.

4. Daryl Hall, because he's suing to make his dreams come true.

Daryl Hall, the legendary songwriter/vocalist/guitarist/blond of Hall & Oates, has revitalized his career in recent years with Live from Daryl's House, a web series where he invites his musician friends to join him at his upstate New York "house" (actually a nightclub) and jam. At the risk of editorializing, I want to say that this show is awesome. Just check out Daryl and crew getting funky as hell with Cee Lo Green.

But now, The Man is trying to crush Hall's dreams and snuff out his blue-eyed soul. The singer is trying to add an outdoor stage to Daryl's House, but the town of Pawling, NY says they can't go for that. TMZ reports that officials want him to reduce his planned occupancy from 318 people to 198. That's fewer than the number of musicians on this scorching version of "Green Onions!"

Hall is suing the town of Pawling so he can resume building the stage that's on his list (of the best things in life). If not, he claims he'll suffer millions of dollars in damages. And then he'll have to take a loan from a Rich Girl.

Seriously, Hall & Oates are underrated. Give them another shot.

3. Blac Chyna, because she tried to copyright the Kardashian name and got smacked down.

Blac Chyna's marriage to Rob Kardashian never happened, but their brands will be forever intertwined in the public eye. How romantic. Recently, Chyna tried to cement that synergy by copyrighting the name Angela Renee Kardashian. That would have been her legal name if the marriage had happened—but again, it didn't.

Of course, the Kardashian sisters were having none of this. Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé unleashed their army of lawyers to block Chyna's plan from ever coming to fruition. Here's an exclusive clip of that meeting.

The Sisters K were successful, of course. Claiming it created "confusion in the marketplace," they blocked Chyna from ever using that name for any corporate purpose, even if she does eventually marry Rob.

So if your dream is to one day become a Kardashian, just marrying one of them won't be enough. You'll have to go back in time and get Kris Jenner to adopt you.

2. A Florida woman on the run after pulling a gun on a 7-Eleven clerk who wouldn't take her "gunked-up" pennies.

Things almost turned bloody when a penny-pinching woman walked into a 7-Eleven in Melbourne, FL at 1:30 AM last Wednesday to do some shopping. According to eyewitness reports, the crafty shopper grabbed a few items and went to the register, where she tried to pay for them by handing the beleaguered clerk a jar full of pennies. Lt. Steve Sadoff of the Melbourne Police Department told Florida Today,

She had a bunch of pennies in a jar. The clerk said they were dirty, gunked-up pennies. That’s when the argument started.

The clerk explained that there were too many "gunked-up" pennies in the jar for the store to accept, at which point the woman retorted that she was going to kill him. She started shouting and throwing items from the counter at him. Then she left the store and returned with two guns. Man, this lady really loves pennies.

In the ensuing confrontation, the clerk suffered minor injuries. Witnesses saw the whole thing, and the woman's face and car were caught on security cameras. She got away, but police have already been tipped off to her possible identity. They are currently searching for her. She could face charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, battery, and criminal mischief over $1,000.

Let's just hope she has enough pennies for bail.

1. This woman who ranted against a couple's PDA and became the internet's newest villain.

The internet is rallying behind a young lovey-dovey couple who ran afoul of the most prudish woman fast food has ever seen. After a very innocent, PG-rated display of affection in a Santa Monica, CA poke restaurant, this woman exploded at them for "f**king" in front of everyone. The boyfriend caught her whole rant on video, and posted it to Reddit. Here's his explanation.

Last night my girlfriend of four years and I were waiting patiently for a lady to order her food at this restaurant in Santa Monica, and I had my arms around her from behind and maybe kissed her on the top of the head once or twice, but that was the extent of it.

Out of nowhere, the lady (who was finalizing her transaction) looks at us and exclaims emphatically how inappropriate PDA was and how uncomfortable it was making her. I thought she was joking because of how little we were actually making contact. I turned and kissed my girlfriend on the cheek and made a loud smack, and that’s where she really lost it. I immediately knew I had to get this on camera, so that’s about where the video picks up.

We tried to stay as calm as possible. I was trying not to engage as I knew this lady was clearly nuts, but when she started calling my girlfriend a slut, whore, etc, and when she stepped closer to her, that’s when I started getting angry. In retrospect, I’m proud that we didn’t sink to her level or anything like that, but wish I would’ve said some more clever remarks. Oh also, I fucked up by not filming in portrait mode – Sorry about that.

And here's the clip.

If you seriously thought this wouldn't get racist at some point, you need to spend more time online.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliveris back after a brief hiatus, and dedicated its big segment Sunday night to marijuana. It's a must-watch if you're not high right now and have the attention span.

"Marijuana is something we've gradually all decided is okay...like Mark Wahlberg as a serious actor," he jokes (Side bar: Mark Wahlberg could certainly use some marijuana. Maybe it'll chill him out so he doesn't commit assault, and it'll make his burgers edible).

As with everything in America in 2017, the federal marijuana laws make little to no sense, especially as states are legalizing medicinal (and some recreational!) use.

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III cares not for your epilepsy or PTSD if you use medical marijuana and wants to go back to the glory days of imprisoning everyone and anyone who has ever touched the plant. It's time for "our federal laws desperately need to be brought up to date," John Oliver argues, which is, like, totally dank, right? Right.

It looks like Blac Chyna is never going to be able to call herself a Kardashian. A few months ago, Chyna filed a request to trademark the name "Angela Renée Kardashian" (which would presumably be her name if she and Rob Kardashian ever actually get married.) According to TMZ, that request has now been officially denied.

People reports that lawyers for Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney Kardashian opposed Blac Chyna's request to trademark her Kardashian name back in December.

The Kardashian sisters' lawyers argued in court documents that they would "suffer damage including irreparable injury to their reputation and goodwill" if Blac Chyna took a Kardashian name, and that she is "deliberately seeking to profit from the goodwill and popularity" by changing her name.

So, even if Chyna does end up marrying Rob, it looks like her dream of calling herself a Kardashian won't be coming true anytime soon.

It seems that Kim Kardashian and a friend were leaving celebrity hotspot Mr. Chow's after attending the Fashion Los Angeles Awards when some random dude bumped into her. She got a little freaked out (understandable, especially given her Paris robbery). There's a picture of the incident you can see at E! News, and both Kim Kardashian and her friend do look shook.

But worry not, she's definitely fine, and was not, according to her, attacked on the street. That didn't stop rumors from circulating, though.

Her BFF Jonathan Cheban called her to see if she was all right, having read online that she was attacked outside of Mr. Chow. "Totally not true!," Kardashian wrote. "Such weird rumors."

A source told E! News that while Kim was "shocked" by the run-in but that a bodyguard stepped in quickly to diffuse tension. The dude was "let go" (no, not fired) when it because clear that he was just somebody who happened to be walking past Kim Karsdashian. Still, can't blame her for looking worried, that dude is pretty close to her, like he's going to walk through her.

BUT relax everyone, because Kim Kardashian certainly wasn't attacked.

Qasim Rashid, a lawyer in Washington, D.C., went viral on Sunday for giving a white supremacist—and the internet—a much-needed history lesson.

Rashid gets harassed on the internet by anti-Muslim a-holes on the regular. One of them, who was likely quite proud of this "hot take," asked him "Where's the Christian version of ISIS and every other religion then?"

Rashid replied with thousands of years of receipts known as World History.

That's right, racist. Troll not lest ye be trolled.

Rashid was generous to take the time to educate the racist schmuck, and the post received over 5,600 retweets, with one commenter even adding, "[I] need my ignorant grandma to see this."

The reply has received the endorsement of Christians.

Every religion has extremists, and extremists have more in common with each other than they do with the common people of their faith.

While a white supremacist is likely to view every other type of religious violence as "alternative facts," when truth matters again, this tweet should be studied in history classes.

A man named Ben Lauder will be forever associated with the Google result"cock ring" after an unfortunate sex toy mishap went predictably viral on Twitter.

Lauder, 20, apparently left his, ahem, cock ring, on his girlfriend's bedside table, which seems like a reasonable place to leave it unless there's a curious little kid in the house. After work, Lauder opened his phone to this shocking text:

Anytime someone texts you "one second..." you know something special's about to happen. Steel yourself for this one.

"No f*cking way!!!" is probably not the reaction you're having. You're probably screaming "THAT'S SO DISGUSTING" or something of that nature. Or maybe "THAT'S A COOL WATCH." I'm sure you'll let us know in the comments. No reaction is too strong.

Lauder, who tweeted the interaction with nary a second thought, either has no shame or was dreamed up by the viral content gods on a slow news day. Either way, there's a valuable lesson to be learned here. Kids are great.

Please protect them from your sex toys, because all they see are "toys."

Onion man is back! This is his third video, and I know what you're thinking—will I be able to follow along if I haven't seen parts one and two? The good news is, yes, you can watch the third installment Dr. Pimple Popper video without having to worry that you're missing some crucial plot point in the onion-cysts removal saga of this patient's back.

Be warned—the audio on this clip is quite serious and may be triggering for other abuse victims.

Internet famous dermatologist Dr. Pimple Popper (real name Dr. Sandra Lee) had to remove several large epidermoid cysts (benign growths usually on the face, neck, and trunk, according to Dr. Pimple Popper's caption for the video) from this man, and the cysts have the special quality of resembling onions. The patient talks a little bit about child abuse, so if that's not something you want to hear, you can turn off the sound to the video and just enjoy the lovely extraction in somber silence. Or you can put on some music of your own, grab a glass of wine (something that pairs well with onions) and watch Dr. Pimple Popper harvest this cyst.

There's a lot of pressure these days for expectant couples to come up with creative pregnancy announcements. This couple in particular got the inspiration for their announcement from a true artist - the legendary painter and TV host, Bob Ross.

Reddit user Reubek posted this photo and wrote, "My friend and his wife announced their pregnancy today."

In addition to the uncanny Bob Ross wig and artwork, the photo also includes a classic quote from Ross' Joy of Painting TV series that is probably the single most hilarious quote to use in a pregnancy announcement: "We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents." (LOL.)

Well, congratulations to the happy couple, and best of luck with your new "happy accident."

Trust no one on April Fool's Day, even if they are literally laying on the ground bleeding.

On April 1st, Rebel Wilson decided to prank the crew of Pitch Perfect 3 by pretending she cut her leg open after taking a tumble out of her trailer. Haha?

Wilson, who plays "Fat Amy" in the Pitch Perfect movies, even covered her leg with fake blood for the joke. Thinking she was injured, the crew rushed over to help Wilson, only to hear her exclaim "April Fools!" from her position down on the pavement.

Thankfully, the crew took the joke really well and even burst out in applause after Wilson revealed that this whole thing was a ruse. Rebel Wilson is lucky that her colleagues have such a good sense of humor!

Next April Fool's Day, pretend to get seriously hurt at work and see how well that goes over with your coworkers.

JK Rowling is the author of the Harry Potter books as well as a Twitter superstar. On April 3, she posted a series of tweets directed at aspiring writers (or aspiring artists of any kind, really). Her advice is wonderful and probably very helpful to countless people.

She started by quoting someone else's tweet, one that read, "HEY! YOU! You're working on something and you're thinking 'Nobody's gonna watch/read/listen' Finish it anyway." To that advice, JK Rowling added "There were so many times in the early 90s when I needed somebody to say this to me. It's great advice for many reasons."

JK Rowling has been open about all the times her Harry Potter book was rejected by publishers, but she just kept sending it out and believing in herself.

JK Rowling pointed out that simply setting out to complete something and then actually completing something is something to be proud of.

If you've done some once, you know you'll be able to do it again.

Her fans loved it, replying back to her with words of gratitude, and some shared their own stories of failures before success.

A man named William Oliver from Atlanta, Georgia, has a unique approach to taking his relationship to the next level: Crowdfunding. Last week, he created a GoFundMe page to raise $15,000 to purchase an engagement ring for his girlfriend, Alexandra.

I have a feeling this won't go over well, but you have to admire him for trying. No?

"After my 30th Birthday, I've received alot excitement about it being time to marry her!" he wrote in the description about his girlfriend. "I couldn't agree more."

He then explained that his girlfriend "had a really innovative way to show her appreciation by purchasing 30 gifts for my 30th birthday. So I need a more innovative way to show my appreciation while incorporating friends and family."

So, this is not just about needing the money. This is about innovation. It's also about "raising awareness." He wrote:

I've decided to get some help by making this a trending approach. This will raise awareness about the difference between the love we share and the love people have for us. Money for the engagement is your chance to get involved. I've heard everything from "I Love Yall" to "You need to put a Ring On It" etc etc.

Seems like this guy's friends, family, and girlfriend really want him to marry this woman. So he's basically saying, "ok, if you want me to put a ring on it so badly, why don't you help?"

He continued:

I've decided to utilize GoFundMe to let everybody who loves us show us. Sometimes we can't quite afford expensive things by ourselves. A lot of people lean on credit card companies and banks (that overcharge them) so that they appear to do nice things for people they love by themselves.

My approach is a little different. We have friends, family, and colleagues that don't mind passing up a drink or a sandwich to help out. Anything helps. All proceeds will go to the purchase of a beautiful engagement ring one that WE ALL can be proud of. Call me crazy but Love is Free Not Engagement Rings and Weddings.

Oliver's post has gone viral on Facebook, where it has been shared over 10,000 times. But he has raised only $589 of $15k goal.

And it seems like most people on Twitter would rather make fun of him than fork over their money.

People are pointing out that $15K is pretty steep for a ring you can't afford.

I mean, the wedding industrial complexis a huge scam and no one should have to put down $15K for a piece of jewelry just so they can make their relationship official. So I can't help but empathize with this guy. That being said, maybe his girlfriend wouldn't have minded settling for a cheaper ring that he bought with his own money?

Or just *gasp* skipping the ring altogether and celebrating their love for one another in more affordable ways?

What do you think? Is this a reasonable use of GoFundMe—a website usually used for covering medical costs or education (and the occasional trip to Disney World)? Would you "pass on a drink or a sandwich" so your friend could put an expensive rock on someone's finger?

The beautiful miracle of pregnancy is rife with anxiety, full of questions like "Is that supposed to hurt?" and "Why does this stranger at the supermarket think they can talk to me?"

Redditor YellowWoodenTable's doctor offered some comic relief in the stressful time with answers to important pregnancy-related questions. The hilarious sign in the office will make pregnant women laugh even more than the increased blood flow to the kidneys that occurs while with-child.

Highlights:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

These are the solid jokes every dad-in-training makes waiting for the baby to arrive. OB/GYN jokes are the gateway to Dad Jokes.

A normal day at the zoo in sunny Michigan until, oh no, #ItGotGrandma. And when you're talking about the chimp exhibit, "it" is a heaping dose of chimp poop, and grandma is grandma.

So Jake and I thought we were going to have an average day at the zoo... turns out it would be the day of the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm seriously dying of laughter. And I can't believe I got it on video. Just watch... Feel free to share 😂 #ItGotGrandma

While we hereby award her the Poopacalypse Memorial "Wrong Place Wrong Time" Award, it certainly doesn't help that everyone laughs and stares at her as she looks straight into the camera with an expression that can only be interpreted as "will someone get this chimp poop off my face, please?"

"It got grandma!"

Pink uploaded a gym selfie on Saturday with a caption that urges women to stop obsessing with the number on the scale, because it is pretty much total BS.

After giving birth to her second child Jameson Moon back in December, Pink has been working hard to reach her fitness goals. However, the number on the scale is definitely not reflecting the "Try" singer's commitment to getting in shape, so she did the very 'Pink' thing and just said F it.

Would you believe I'm 160 pounds and 5'3"? By 'regular standards' that makes me obese. I know I'm not at my goal or anywhere near it after Baby 2 but dammit I don't feel obese. The only thing I'm feeling is myself. Stay off that scale ladies!

The picture has gained over 230,000 likes over the weekend, and many commenters thanked Pink for her anti-scale sentiments.

Sometimes you just gotta say 'So What' to that number on the scale and live your damn life.

A mom named Brandi Benner told her little girl, Sophia, she could have a new doll if she spent the entire month pooping on the potty. This is a difficult task, but the girl succeeded, so she really deserved whatever doll she wanted from Target.

Here's where it gets interesting. The cashier was completely baffled to see the little white girl holding her doll of choice at the register.

Was it a birthday gift for a friend? No? Well, was she really sure she wanted it?

Nick and I told Sophia that after 1 whole month of going poop on the potty, she could pick out a special prize at Target. She, of course, picked a new doll. The obsession is real. While we were checking out, the cashier asked Sophia if she was going to a birthday party. We both gave her a blank stare. She then pointed to the doll and asked Sophia if she picked her out for a friend. Sophia continued to stare blankly and I let the cashier know that she was a prize for Sophia being fully potty trained. The woman gave me a puzzled look and turned to Sophia and asked, "Are you sure this is the doll you want, honey?" Sophia finally found her voice and said, "Yes, please!" The cashier replied, "But she doesn't look like you. We have lots of other dolls that look more like you." I immediately became angry, but before I could say anything, Sophia responded with, "Yes, she does. She's a doctor like I'm a doctor. And I'm a pretty girl and she's a pretty girl. See her pretty hair? And see her stethoscope?" Thankfully the cashier decided to drop the issue and just answer, "Oh, that's nice." This experience just confirmed my belief that we aren't born with the idea that color matters. Skin comes in different colors just like hair and eyes and every shade is beautiful.#itswhatsontheinsidethatcounts#allskinisbeautiful#teachlove#teachdiversity#thenextgenerationiswatching

"But she doesn't look like you," said the overstepping cashier. "We have lots of other dolls that look more like you."

As Sophia's mom was preparing to flip out, Sophia dropped the perfect response: "Yes, she does. She's a doctor like I'm a doctor. And I'm a pretty girl and she's a pretty girl. See her pretty hair? And see her stethoscope?"

Sophia is amazing, and she definitely just earned one hundred more toys. As her mom concluded, the "experience just confirmed my belief that we aren't born with the idea that color matters. Skin comes in different colors just like hair and eyes and every shade is beautiful."

Beautiful.