In a show full of death, death, and more death like Game of Thrones, Tormund Giantsbane (Kristofer Hivju) and his eyebrows offer much-needed comic relief.

Ser Brienne of Tarth may not be interested, but we are.

Season 8 Episode 2, "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms," saw our characters holed up at Winterfell, contemplating their imminent deaths, and as The Breakfast Club sat and sang around the fire, Tormund offered up his origin story of just how and why he's called "Giantsbane."

"They call me Giantsbane. Want to know why?" Tormund asked Jaime and Brienne. When neither of them answered, he continued:

I killed a giant when I was 10. Then I climbed right into bed with his wife. When she woke up, you know what she did? Suckled me at her teat for three months. Thought I was her baby. That’s how I got so strong: giant’s milk.

He then provided a demonstration of his giant's milk chugging, from a horn rather than the "teat."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

--Erma Bombeck

There are no guarantees in marriage, you just have to love each other and hope no one drives the other to murder over the toilet seat being left up. These memes totally nail the ups and downs of married life.

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Creative writing is a wonderful hobby, but not if it threatens somebody's business.

A customer walked into a restaurant in Ireland (no, this is not the set up for a joke), and according to Redditor Saolgg, they ate and enjoyed a full meal. Because paying for services rendered is for chumps, the customer decide to pretend that the experience sucked in order to get the meal for free.

The owner of the restaurant was equipped with security footage, and therefore, exact time signatures to counter the narrative that the customer received bad service, and it's a satisfying second-by-second takedown.

Enjoy the Irish-isms like the name Caoimhe and referring to ketchup as "red sauce."

Poor Alex, who studied hospitality in Croatia for four years—all he wanted to do was be hospitable!

Next time you want to fake bad service, make sure that there aren't security cameras keeping tabs on just how bad the service really is.

Also, don't try to swindle small, family-run businesses. If you need free food, try defrauding Olive Garden.

Getting married is basically choosing to keep the same roommate forever, except instead of JUST sending passive aggressive texts about dishes, you also get to do sex stuff and bare your souls.

Like all eternal roommate situations, marriage is full of lots of feelings, there are moments of immense love and euphoria and moments where you contemplate whether jail would be worth the sweet release of murdering your spouse.

Making jokes is one of the best ways to cope with the unending face-palm of living in close quarters with another human being and all their various smells and mouth sounds. If you can't laugh at yourself, and each other, even the healthiest of marriages is likely doomed for the courtroom.

Luckily, no matter what domestic spout you find yourself going through, there are countless others who can relate to the intricacies of sharing your life.

In fact, if you're looking for marital solidarity laughs, Twitter is a hotbed full of people tapping into the comedy of an eternal roommate. If nothing else, these 35 tweets will hopefully make you feel a little less crazy.

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There are many times when a social media post goes viral out of sheer luck, or because it's just bonkers enough people can't look away. But there are plenty of other times a post makes the viral rounds because it articulates a common truth in a refreshingly pithy way.

To this very point, a Facebook post recently went viral for how well it laid out the extreme and contradictory pressures placed on working mothers, and mothers in general.

In her now viral post, Sarah Buckley Friedberg listed all of the impossible tasks women are expected to complete as mothers, all while maintaining mental health and a chill and positive attitude.

"Society to working moms:

-Go back to work 6-8 weeks after having the baby. The baby that you spent 9-10 months growing inside of your body. Go back to work before you have finished healing or have had time to bond with your baby. Keep your mind on work, and not your tiny helpless baby that is being watched and cared for by someone other than you. Make sure to break the glass ceiling and excel at your job- you can do anything a man can do! It is your job to show society this! Show the world that women can do it all. Rise to the top of your career."

The post goes in on how soon mothers are expected to return to the workplace after giving birth, while simultaneously breastfeeding and getting their pre-baby body back.

"Also breastfeed for at least a year. So take 2-3 pumping breaks a day at work, but don't let it throw you off your game or let you lose your focus.
-Also, lose that baby weight and get back in shape, as quickly and as gracefully as possible. Make sure to get 8 hours of sleep a night so you can work out, work, and care for your family. But also get up at 5 am to workout, unless you want to do it after your kids go to bed when you also need to clean the house and get life ready for the next day and you know, sleep."

On top of all of that, moms are expected to keep a clean and decorated house, and maintain the family schedule.

"Maintain a clean, pinterest worthy house. Take the Christmas lights down. Recycle. Be Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the birthday planner, the poop doula (seriously when will this end), the finder of lost things, the moderator of fights. Be fun. Be firm. Read books. Have dance parties."

"Maintain the schedule for the entire family. Birthday parties coming up? Make sure to have presents! Ensure the kids are learning to swim, play an instrument, read, ride a bike, be a good human being, eat vegetables, wear sunscreen, drink enough water, say please and thank you. Don't forget they need to dress as their favorite book character on Monday, and wear something yellow on Thursday. Oh it's totally your call but most parents come in on their birthday and read to the entire class."

On top of all this, children also grow at extremely quick rates and require plenty of clothing and medical care. If you have any pets, that'll add to the costs (both emotionally and financially).

"In case nobody told you, if you have more than one kid you will need to buy new shoes approximately every other day. See also: winter coats, shorts, pants that aren't 4 inches too short. There will never be matching socks or gloves for any member of the family, ever again.
-Remember the dog you got before you had kids? Shes getting old now and needs expensive surgery. She also need walking, a new bed, and she smells pretty bad."

"Hey! Kids need lots of doctor appointments. Monthly as babies. Every time they are sick. Specialist appointments, especially if any of them have extra needs. At least two school conferences a year. IEP meetings, if applicable. Parents night. Back to school night. Get to know your school night (what IS this). Most parents are volunteering at least once during the year, would you like to come make a craft with the kids? It will only be an hour or two of your time."

After all of this, most moms could use a nice long vacation, but unfortunately doctor's appointments quickly eat up all the potential vacation time.

"Sorry, you are now out of vacation time because you used it all for time taking your kids to appointments or when your childcare is unavailable. You should go on vacations though. It's good to relax and unwind from work. Makes you a better employee.
-Don't forget the kids need healthy meals (and so do you! you are trying to lose that last 20 lbs before swim season right). That requires meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep on the weekend. But also hang out with your kids on the weekend since during the week you only get to hang out with them when they are exhausted and angry that you made the wrong kind of spaghetti for dinner."

Of course, all of this pressure doesn't even include the imperative to have date nights with your spouse, cultivate personal hobbies, and maintain a social life.

"Date your spouse! It's important to keep your relationship alive and fresh. Try to go out 1-2 times a month. Good, kid free time. Hire a babysitter, they charge 22+ dollars an hour in your area so make sure to take out an extra mortgage and/or work another job to be able to afford this.
-Oh hey you should have a hobby too. It's important to have "you time". Also be well read, keep up with the latest pop culture and tv shows, and keep an eye on politics and be able to discuss at least one of the above on the small chance you are out in public and encounter another adult necessitating small talk."

"Make sure to have friends. Social time is SO important. Surely there is an hour or two left in the week after all of the working, appointments, exercising, cooking, scheduling, cleaning, imparting lifelong morals and learning on the kids, the usual. Maybe go out after the kids are down for a glass of wine and a bite to eat. Make it a healthy bite though. And you may regret that wine at your 530 am spin class."

After all of this, it's also important to exercise and stay in shape! Because naturally, you'll still have tons of leftover energy for that.

"Self care though. SO important. See also: getting in shape. See the general doctor, the dentist (TWICE), the lady doctor. Prob need to get your eyes checked. Full body skin checks 2+ times a year (just me? okay well). Mental health too. Postpartum anxiety? But you look fine and your kids are so cute. Everyone should have a therapist. Good luck finding one that takes your insurance and has hours outside of your normal working time (out of vacation time, remember?). That leaves evening time when you want to hang out with your kids. But it's important, so make time for it."

She also pointed out the pressure to for moms to dress cute and present themselves well so they don't get memed​​​​​.

"Don't wear yoga pants and a mom bun or society is going to mock you in numerous witty blog posts. Never mind that nothing fits. Going to have to get up even earlier so you have time to style your hair, wing your eye liner and search for a pair of pants that fits your new post baby (or multiple baby) shape."

She capped off her post by reiterating the fact that after receiving this barrage of impossible messages, mothers are also told to "slow down" and savor their time with their kids, since life moves so fast.

"Get off your phone, turn off the TV, and enjoy your life. Enjoy your kids. THESE ARE THE GOOD TIMES make sure to love every minute of life because before you know it all of this will be in the past.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to lean OUT. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk."

Friedberg's post quickly gained traction for how relatable it is, and at the time of writing it has over 18,000 likes and counting.

When you hear the term "relationship goals," what comes to mind? Chrissy Teigen trolling John Legend on Twitter (same)? Michelle and Barrack Obama doing literally anything together (also same)? As long as you don't associate "relationship goals" with the idea of treating your partner like a pet puppy, you are in the clear.

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with me on this one. A Twitter account dedicated to "sharing adorable couples pics" (@radates) posted a video of a couple who has a vom-inducing ritual in which the boyfriend summons his girlfriend with a hand gesture and she responds by running to him and placing her face in the cup of his hand. You know, like a dog and its master.

People were pretty quick to point out how much this resembled a "man's best friend" relationship.

Others saw it as just flat out rude.

And the true heroes used this opportunity to create some quality content.

But most of all, people were grossed out.

After this video, my relationship goals are to avoid relationships at all costs.

Maisie Williams, a 22-year-old playing an 18-year-old on TV, had a sex scene on a show full of sex scenes, and people were weird about it. People reacted strangely to Arya consummating her years-long crush on Gendry on the eve of their possible deaths, perhaps because it was neither incestuous nor rape—like most of the sex on that show.

Google searches for "Maisie Williams age" spiked, as did my heart rate.

The actual sex seemed lame compared to the eye sex, to be honest.

It was left ambiguous whether or not Arya was satisfied.

Williams tweeted out that however uncomfortable you felt watching that scene, it's even weirder for her, as her whole family saw her character about to bone.

Williams' reactions can be topped (no pun intended) only by her sister Sophie Turner, who celebrated Game of Thrones' Easter episode including the Gendry Bunny "hop hop hopping into that pussaaaaay."

Williams toldEntertainment Weeklyabout her experience filming That Scene, and it sounds like it was less weird to film than it was for her family to watch:

“In the beginning, everyone was really respectful,” she says. “No one wants to make you feel uncomfortable which kind of makes you feel more uncomfortable, because no one wants to look at anything that they shouldn’t look at, which in turn makes you feel like you look awful because everyone is kind of like—“ [Williams averts her eyes]. “You want people to act more normal.”

Joe Dempsie, who plays Gendry, says it was a bit weird for him too:

Dempsie suggested the experience was strange for him too for given how long he’s known Williams, who’s about a decade younger than he is. “It’s obviously slightly strange for me because I’ve known Maisie since she was 11, 12 years old,” says the 31-year-old actor. “At the same time, I don’t want to be patronizing toward Maisie — she’s a 20-year-old woman. So we just had a lot of fun with it.”

Williams told Entertainment Weekly that she was glad Arya had such a scene, because it helped connect everyone's favorite assassin to her humanity.

"It was really interesting because it’s a very human relationship for Arya," Williams told the magazine. “This is something she’s stayed away from, an emotion we’ve never really seen her engage with. [Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss] were like, ‘It’s the end of the world, what else would you have her do?’ This may be is a moment where Arya accepts death tomorrow, which she never does — ‘Not Today.’ So it was that moment where she says, ‘We’re probably going to die tomorrow, I want to know what this feels like before that happens.’ It’s interesting to see Arya be a bit more human, speak more normally about things people are scared of.”

"If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings."

— Dave Barry

The only meetings I approve of are the ones between memes and my eyeballs.

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The only thing better than Game of Thrones content is more Game of Thrones content. With the series finale only four weeks away, fans aren't wasting any time when it comes to churning out GoT inspired memes while they're still relevant. And we're not mad about it.

The latest addition to the meme collection is inspired by none other than the Mother of Dragons herself. For those of you who watched last week's episode, you may recall a scene between Danaerys and Sansa that eerily resembled every conversation ever between to female frenemies in a bar bathroom. And much like any drunken truce being made by two white women, there were some calculated glances and forced smiles involved. Most notably, there was this iconic squint from the Khaleesi:

And because the internet continues to give us things we do not deserve, this expression was quickly turned into a meme after @reallyhalalfood asked people to caption it.

Here are twenty captions that took the throne.

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“Sleep is such a luxury, which I can't afford.”

― Robin Sikarwar

If you wish you could stay in bed just a little longer, you're not alone. Let these funny memes distract you from the pain of having to get up for the day.

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In his morning tweet storm, the President of the United States (Donald Trump, if you've been lucky enough to have forgotten) revealed that he doesn't know how a whole bunch of things work.

He said that if Democrats begin impeachment hearings, he'd go to his handpicked Supreme Court. That's neither how separation of powers nor the impeachment process works.

He accused the Mexican smilitary of of firing on the National Guard, threatening war with America's southern neighbor. The exchange of fire didn't happen either.

Least consequentially—but most amusingly—the president also indicated his lack of understanding over the complicated government process known as "phone calls."

Reporter Robert Costa published in The Washington Post that Trump told him that he is against having his aides testify to Congress as the legislative branch attempts to conduct its constitutional duty of oversight over the executive.

Trump takes issue not with the implication of a constitutional crisis, but the fact that it is insufficiently clear that Costa made the first call (???).

Costa made no secret of the fact that he called first.

Trump's tweet unfolds like a logic puzzle, insisting that he didn't call Costa, followed by the parenthetical "(Returned his call)!".

Who is going to tell him that returning a phone call is also a form of making a phone call?

People on Twitter, that's who.

There are memes.

He that is without sin among you, let him make the first call.

The most entitled people are often master manipulators who enter situations with the expectations and mental gymnastics required to get what they want. Regardless of how little sense they make, deeply entitled people have no qualms demanding what they want, and twisting any objection or personal boundary into another person's failing.

The subreddit Choosing Beggars is a hotbed of entitled people on another level, people who will twist words and interactions in order to get money, free things, and favors, without so much as a please or thank you.

Luckily, the whole point of the subreddit is to give these people their comeuppance, through words or action, and every single time it feels like a schadenfreude-laden kiss from heaven.

A recent installment of Choosing Beggars schadenfreude involved a super entitled dog owner looking to unload her untrained dog on a "friend" for a mere $450.

The interaction started out normal enough, the Choosing Beggar had asked their acquaintance if they'd be willing to take in a 7-year-old dog so it could be spared the shelter treatment. The acquaintance already had dogs and wasn't looking for another, but was willing to do a favor and save the older dog.

However, the exchange quickly escalated when the Choosing Beggar followed up their request with a $450 fee (including adoption and supplies), so essentially, they were begging someone to pay them to take a dog they didn't want.

The Choosing Beggar would NOT let up, and finally the acquaintance had to fully shut them down.

Needless to say, this is the exact opposite of how someone should act when they're trying to give their dog a safe home, particularly when they're interacting with someone who wasn't actively looking to adopt. Hopefully, for the pup's sake, someone was able to take the dog in, pets shouldn't be punished for their awful owners.

Photoshop fails by the Kardashians are the gift that keep on giving! Because no matter how many times they get dragged by fans for photos that make it look like they have wrist nipples, these gals just can't seem to stay away from their cheep editing apps.

The latest Kardashian to post a photo that makes us all stop and think, "What? How Why though???" is Khloe. The photo in question is of her and her daughter hanging out on a pool floatie, and while the post is cute, it is also photoshopped into oblivion.

To the naked eye, this might simply look like a pic of an impossibly hot mom and her cute kid chillin' by the pool. But to you and your naked eye I say, there is a reason she looks impossibly hot. Khloe clearly edited parts of her body, specifically her arms, torso, and booty, and you can tell from of the blurriness around these areas and the fact that she's about as disproportionate as an old school Barbie doll.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

The first sign of amateur photoshopping hour is the uneven pool line in the background. Khloe clearly messed around with her body in the forefront, which then warped the background. That's just like, the basic rules of physics. Or geography? I don't know, I majored in English. All I know is Khloe either has a lopsided pool or is very bad at photoshopping. And since she's one of the richest women in America, I find it hard to believe that she would own a pool that is anything less than perfect.

Now let's zoom into the arm. As a woman, I totally get wanting to edit your arm. Society has pretty much told women that we should be ashamed of the fact that we have arms. How dare we allow flesh to exist there! Understandably, Khloe felt the pressure of flaunting a skinny arm, and attempted to edit it away. The only problem here is that she did a bad job. The area where her shoulder meets her arm is so sharp that it resembles a double diamond ski trail, and the entire thing is so edited that it looks lumpy. Also, she either has double jointed elbows or they got moved around in the editing process. I honestly can't tell.

Okay, even a Kardashian cannot make this shape with their body while sitting down. The evidence here is the way the outlines of her body look. They're completely blurred/wompy, especially on her bum.

Of course, fans noticed. What, did you think they were going to let her get away with one god damn thing? That is not the world we live in.

Of course, Khloe is free to do whatever she wants with her photos. And given the amount of pressure that is put on her when it comes to her image, it's completely understandable that she might feel the need to do some tweaking for a post. But with fails like these, people are bound to notice. Damn, being a millionaire is complicated.

We all know someone who is way too into conspiracy theories. You know who I'm talking about -- the one friend who can't help but turn every happy hour into a breakdown of "what really happened" in the JFK assassination. If you can't think of that friend, you are that friend.

You know where a perfect place for that friend/possibly you to gather? Reddit dot com. In a recent thread, Reddit user mc2901234 asked people to share which conspiracy theories they believe in. We picked out thirteen of our favorites for you to obsess over. Cheers!

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Mason jars created pinterest to sell more Mason jars

- megaroni_n_pastaroni

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I'm starting to think that the really stupid conspiracy theories (vaccines causing autism, flat earth, lizard people, etc.) are intentionally spread by propaganda groups and troll farms. They don't care what stupid shit you believe, but they are very interested to know that you're a gullible mark who will believe anything with no evidence, and won't do research with authorities on the matter to find the truth. If you want to spread misinformation, look for the people who do it as a hobby.

- Charyou-Tree

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That apple started the airpods meme, and right before Christmas they would give out 150$ gift cards

- rontko

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A forensics specialist believes Jamie Hewlett of Gorillaz is Banksy. It's not as big as other submissions here but it's a theory I buy.

-TroyMander

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This is more of a personal conspiracy. I’ve been working as an (American) healthcare consultant for 2 years now, and I genuinely think that insurance companies are purposely denying claims so that they can leverage $ for their beneficiaries’ medical records.

For example, one of my clients (a HUGE and important hospital system) had to deal with hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical claim denials because Humana suddenly decided it didn’t believe any of those hospital stays were legitimate. They basically told my client to either fax hundreds of medical records or accept the zero pays. It’s really suspicious and unfortunate. But when they have the money, what can you do?

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Area 51 is not a place for secret government/military testing with aliens and stuff, instead Area 51 is a scapegoat while shady behind the scenes stuff is going on at another military base that the general public doesnt know about.

I mean if you were really going to do something in secrecy, would you do it in the place where everyone thinks it is? Hell no! I dont have any specific evidence to back this up but it makes sense right?

- _coyotes_

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The lines on the detergent caps are higher than they should be so you use more detergent for each load of laundry. It's so easy for them to get away with it

- ShoeMagoo52

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The news report about beards containing more bacteria than a dog that just licked his own asshole. Beards are messing with facial recognition software. " The Man" wants beards to not be trendy anymore.

- Henrywyn

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That the dust the Kleenex tissue have, makes you sneeze more, therefore using more tissues.

- AddictedtoTVshows

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That the USA deliberately gets into an armed conflict every decade or so for the purpose of ensuring that at any given time, they always have a critical mass of soldiers with actual combat experience. They get in a lot of conflicts, and it seems highly probable that the leadership of a country that spends so much on national defense would highly value the institutional knowledge that comes from that kind of continuity of practical experience, even if it comes at a high human cost.

- brush_between_meals

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23 and Me is run by the government to collect your DNA and database it for later.

RogerPackinrod

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The Hawaii nuke false alarm last year was actually the US government testing to see how the the general population would react if an actual nuclear war broke out.

- AvailableWrongdoer

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I believe that the government probably makes some conspiracy theories to try to make questioning the government seem somewhat crazy.

- luke-dies-at-the-end

Makes you think.

Eating habits are supremely personal and can be very strange. First of all, it's a weird concept that has somehow been normalized because of "survival" or whatever. Think about it, we put strange globs in our mouths, chew them down with our saliva and then it gives us invisible "energy" that helps us move our bodies and function?! EATING IS WEIRD AS HELL when you think about it

As with any ritual we perform every day, people have very specific and sometimes nonsensical rules they make for meal time. For some people, the sight of different food groups touching on a plate can launch an emotional spiral, while others actively dip french fries in their milk shakes. No matter how weird you think your relationship to food is, there is undoubtedly someone with a stranger tale yet.

In celebration of the supremely weird eating habits people abide by, the video producer Simone de Rochefort asked her followers to share their strangest meal time rituals.

She opened up the thread by sharing how she needs her hair safely tied up, and impeccably clean fingers in order to thoroughly enjoy a meal.

Others quickly jumped onto the thread to share their food-related neurosis, the likes of which range from fairly common to wildly specific.

One man shared that the ultimate Cheetos hack is chopsticks, since they keep your fingers squeaky clean.

One woman revealed that she can't watch television AND eat at the same time, so snacking and bingeing shows is a real stop-and-go operation.

Several people can't finish a meal in good conscience without the proper dismount.

Wet wipes are a crucial tool if you're going to town on some wings.

Squished cheese made an appearance on the thread, as did pizza with mustard.

One woman simply cannot eat if there is a breeze nearby.

While another person shared they prefer a spoon-free chili experience.

When it comes to texture, it's all about finding the specifics you vibe with. In some cases, a food is only truly edible after you've performed surgery.

Now that you know you're in safe, non-judgemental company, I'd like to know: what are your weirdest food habits?!

While most of the hours you spend staring at your phone are miserable, sometimes, you're blessed from the Text Gods with some comic relief. Here are the best text messages in the history of text messages.

1. Pithy.

2. Shout out to Tracy for being as polite as possible.

3. Dads gonna dad.

4. And moms gonna....whatever this is.

5. Cousins be cousining.

6. She's cheating on him with Marshall, too.

7. The thirst is real.

8. Emoji challenge accepted.

9. Would absolutely watch Cat Wrestlemania.

10. That escalated quickly.

11. Dream big!

12. It's not you, it's me!

13. Congratulations, I guess?

14. One hundred degrees pregnant.

15. The opposite of ridin' dirty.

16. Still a better love story than Twilight.

17. There's vomit on his sweater already.

Think super hard. Can you remember all the way back to the magical days of the 90s? These hilarious memes will definitely jog your memory.

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What even is childhood, if not a series of bids to make your peers think you're cool?! If I'm being completely honest, that trend continues well into adulthood, and the proliferation of social media magnifies it.

While adult bids for coolness can definitely be absurd and cringe-inducing, looking back on the childhood and teenage ideals of "cool" can be both painstaking and hilarious.

In a recent Reddit thread, commenters shared the most embarrassing ways they tried to be cool growing up, all of which beautifully backfired.

1. Budasteelers's cousin got taken to the doctor for his affliction of attempted coolness.

"My cousin would squint his eyes all the time because he wanted to look like Danny from Grease but he ended up being taken to the eye doctor because his parents though he had a problem."

2. Ssslammin123 went to the fashion school of Nelly.

"When I was in elementary school, I thought wearing a bandaid on my knee made me look cool. Having a cut or scrape wasn't necessary."

3. SuzQP discovered her womanhood with some grapefruits.

"This is probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.

I was in 5th grade and home alone for a couple of hours. We had a bowl of grapefruits on the counter for my mother's most recent fad diet. I was picking them up, trying to juggle, just messing around bored. I suddenly had an idea."

"I got one of my mother's bras out of the dirty clothes hamper, put it on over my skinny chest, and- you guessed it- plopped a pair of grapefruits into the cups. Put my top back on and, oh wow, I look FABULOUS. I walk around, look in the mirror, dance a little hoochie-coochie dance in the living room."

"Pretty soon I'm convinced that I look completely natural and super teenaged. I go out on the porch to watch my reflection strut back and forth in the front window. God, I am killing this boob thing. My bike is right there, parked by the mailbox."

"I'm riding my Huffy banana seat bike around the block, enjoying the wind in my boobs, when my parents come along in our car. They wave, I wave. They pull over. A grapefruit drops to the pavement and rolls slowly under the car. I die of shame but somehow remain fixed in place for all eternity."

"My mother puts her face into her open purse and begins to shake while making muffled snorting noises. My dad coolly leans across to the passenger window and, eyes atwinkle, says, "Going for a little ride, are you? Nice day for it. We'll see you back home, then." They drive off.

I die a few more times, then slowly navigate towards home with my one remaining grapefruit sagging listlessly in defeat."

4. TildeGunderson pretended they couldn't speak.

"In elementary school, I thought it was so cool to lose your voice due to sickness. Some days, I'd come into class and pretend I couldn't speak. I'd even put my hand up to answer questions, but I'd answer with what I thought sign language was."

5. SuzQP was featured on TV for their childhood shenanigans.

"When my sister was going through her Helen Keller fan phase, she would fake sign language like a demented mime. Usually she would grab your hand and wriggle her fingers in your palm, making you be her erstwhile Annie Sullivan. If she couldn't catch you, she would revert to waving her arms around as her fingers tootled a couple of invisible flutes. She looked ridiculous, of course."

"At the height of my sister's fake blind insanity, our family went to see an authentic old steam engine train that was passing through town. A TV crew were there to do a story for the 6 o'clock news and they somehow decided to interview me, a ten year old kid. I don't remember what I said, but the whole family and our neighbors gathered in front of the TV that evening to see my big moment."

"And there she was, right behind me, fingers flashing in fake sign language interpretation. I have no idea what those news people were thinking, airing a spectacle like that. Maybe they couldn't tell?"

6. SeaTie legitimately thought they were a robot.

"When I was in elementary school I was convinced I was an actual robot because of a joke my dad made about how he "built me out of spare sprinkler parts in the garage."

I was absolutely convinced I was a robot and tried to convince my friends I was too."

7. FuzzyElf47 legitimately ate rocks for a crush.

"I ate rocks at the bus stop in order to impress a girl. Didn't chew, just picked up a handful of thick gravel and shoved it in my mouth and swallowed while making eye contact. I thought girls liked guys that did dangerous things, so this made sense in my child brain. It backfired (of course) and she never spoke to me again. I don't remember shitting those rocks out, so they may still be in there, for all I know."

8. symtastic massively failed at a "cool" stunt.

"Tried to jump over a group of girls sitting on a couch. Slipped and plowed right into them. I did not look cool. But we had some good laughs about it at least."

9. AdvocateSaint took fashion cues from Zac Efron.

"I wore two watches on one wrist because Corbin Bleu wore three in High School Musical"

10. LesbianMakerXD had a whole different persona.

"I told my best friend that I have another persona from another dimension. The other dimension me is a secret agent. And I told her that she will be meeting other dimension me the next day."

"Then the next day I started wearing shades and basically anything that can be associated with secret agents. I would randomly use "gadgets" to perform simple tasks and parkour going to rooms and school grounds."

11. PitchBlack_Vision gave themselves scars to look cool.

"When I was in the 4th grade, I somehow got the notion that guys with scars were cool. Needless to say, to heighten my attractiveness I started running the back of my hand along the brick wall leading up to my class. After only a couple of times there was visible damage on my hand.

To be fair, I did gain the attention of some pretty neat people! Like the therapist and school counselor!"

12. theincrediblebou popped their collar.

"Wearing my collar popped."

13. Almostpushing50 gave themselves DIY hickeys.

"Give yourself a hickey by sucking on your arm. One time I used a vacuum cleaner hose on my neck, but it didn’t work very well."

14. RedditScope was always dressed for a Disney Channel Original Movie casting call.

"3 Words that send shivers down any late 90's/early 2000's frosted tip fuck boy.

1. Puka

2. Shell

3. Necklace"

15. banana4splittin2's group of friends had their own language.

"When my best friends and I were about 10 we thought it was super cool to speak another language aside from English in front of other people, so basically like pretend we were foreigners. Problem was we knew no other language aside from English. Nevertheless, we went to McDonalds and sat there in public talking to each other in very loud gibberish (basically like the Sims) trying to get people to look at us and think we were cool."

16. donteverfuckmetony had their own personal sign.

"I use to walk around with this sign that said " stay off my nuts " I made it in woodshop and I'd flash it randomly at people lol"

17. aflyingfck was NOT like other girls.

"I was a "not like other girls" girl. I acted like I was sooo different for liking hard rock music, anime and video games even though there was plenty of other girls who were into it too. I could have been making friends with people with similar interests but instead I patted myself on the back for having mostly male friends. I stumbled upon the not like other girls subreddit and I cringed so hard because I used to be one of them."

18. Insanitychick had long-term goals.

"You know how some kids say present instead of here in elementary school? I said president because I wanted to be president."

19. imcarly disciplined themselves at school.

"I used to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I had an impure thought. I got the idea from the book Peeps by Scott Westerfeld. I thought I was sooo mysterious for doing that. I was in middle school, it was just cringy and weird."

20. hotyogurtt had a whole bus routine.

"Everyday when I would get off the bus I would causally sling my backpack across the yard as the bus was pulling off and then run inside.

After the bus was out of sight, I would go and retrieve my bag."

We all have that one friend who just won't shut the hell up when they're nervous, drunk, guilty or all of the above. When it comes to authority figures, especially police officers, remember that everything you want to say unless it's a respectful, "thank you, officer," should probably just be left unsaid. Don't tell them about that tiny little bit of weed you've kept in your glove compartment for months, Ashley. They weren't going to look in the glove compartment. Feel free to tag Ashley.

When a recent Reddit thread asked, "Police officers of Reddit, what was your 'they could have gotten away with it if they had kept their mouth shut' moment?" it was amazing how many people are truly idiots when it comes to the police. I'm not an expert on being a criminal, but I would consider the first step of getting away with a crime is to not tell the police you did the crime. Right? C'mon guys. Just. Stop. Talking.

1. Oh boy, "CheckOutMyGun."

I had a car pass me once. Passenger hangs the upper half of his body out of the passenger side window with his middle finger in the air while screaming, ‘fuck the police’.

He had my attention for the seatbelt violation. I got behind the car and ran the registration. Registration is suspended, registered owner’s drivers license is attached to the registration and his license is suspended. Registered owner also has two warrants for retail theft.

I stop the car, and they both started with the, ‘free speech’ thing and how i cant stop them for giving me the finger or swearing, which is 100% correct...when i pointed out that i can, however, stop them for the passenger not wearing a seatbelt and for the registration violation, suddenly they got quiet.

Driver got arrested for suspended license and his warrants and the passenger got himself a citation. The drivers vehicle got impounded.

Moral of the story? Tell your passengers to shut their mouths. Had that guy not been a moron, his buddy would have been homeward bound.

2. Damn, "Honzo427."

I was asked to help keep peace while two probation officers searched a guys house. Before everyone gets upset, in most jurisdictions, you have to submit to a search of your person and your home if you’re on probation.
During the search, a PO lifted the probationers mattress and said monotonously, “Wow.”
The probationer got upset and said, “yeah, it’s fuckin meth and a gun, arrest me, I don’t give a fuck.” Turns out the PO found a huge dildo, but after the guy opened his mouth, the PO lifted the mattress more and found a bunch of individually wrapped grams of meth and a glock 17.
The PO said that seeing the dildo was enough for him to ignore the mattress but because the guy said something, he kept looking. That’s guys attitude and his need to open his mouth got him 10 years in prison.

3. WTF, "FingerMyDinger."

Not a police officer, but I do know of this house in my local village that was a notorious drug den. The police came to search the place but couldn't find anything, as they were leaving, the lovely owner yelled at them that they "should've brought the drug dogs!".

So yeah, they came back a few days later with the drug sniffing dogs and found huge amounts of drugs hidden away.

Absolute morons.

4. This is so creepy, "No_Im_Random_Coffee."

Pull over this guy for expired tabs. Ask for his ID and he's feeling around for his wallet. Can't find it.

He says, "Ah man, I'm one of you, it's cool."

"Oh, what department?"

"Oh....uh actually I'm a security guard, but same thing."

I'm polite, "So where's your ID?"

"Oh it's in the.." and he motions to the trunk.

"It's in the trunk?""Actually...no."

My BS radar is going off. "Ok, want to get you ID out of the trunk?"

"Nah, I don't have it." He starts looking around for another story to use. But now I know I'm supposed to stay out of the trunk. He's also not giving me any more information.

"No ID, then I have to take you in and get you fingerprinted." I'm going to get into that trunk one way or another.He's looking like he's lost. I ask him what's in the trunk, but he's not talking anymore. We pull him out and get him in cuffs. Another officer takes him to get ID through fingerprints.

Since his car is expired past 6 months (California) we tow the car. In the process of getting ready to tow the car, we need to take a quick inventory.

In the trunk was a "police" uniform with fake patches and a metal badge. No gun, but a duty belt. He also has stacks of child porn.

This is a guy who a neighboring city had been looking for months. His MO was to dress as a police officer, talk to kids and you can figure out the rest.

If he just gave me his name, I could have looked up his ID and verified he had one. I'd probably have let him go. But...

Edit: The neighboring city had zero information as to his name. They only had a vague description of the car and the fact he was posing as a police officer. In fact, what he would do is start talking to a kid in the 9-12 year old range. Tell him he has to be taken in for questioning, handcuff the kid (!) and take him to his car. He was a bad dude.

5. Damn that is honest, "bigb1tch."

Not me, but my boyfriend.

BF's working overnight when a guy comes through town doing ~35 mph in a 25 mph. BF pulls the guy over and asks for his documentation (license, registration, insurance). Guy flips open his glove box, snatches his documents out and snaps the glove box closed super fast.

BF laughs and says, "What do you have in there?"

Guy gets a little sheepish and says, "You know, registration, insurance, (whispers) little bit of weed (end whisper)"

BF, "What?"

Guy coughs and says, "registration, insurance, and uh... a little bit of weed."

BF laughs again and says "Seriously? Can I see?"

Guy got a slap on the wrist for being honest and having a very small amount.

6. Know your rights, "BigBoyGator."

I’ve had countless times where dudes give consent to search them or the vehicle and they end up having drugs. It baffles me why you would let me search if you don’t have to, knowing there’s some damn heroin in your car lmao

7. Oh no, "trueSEVERY."

Not a cop either. Friend was pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt while he was with a few buddies. Gets handed his ticket, guy in the back seats says “Am I gonna get a ticket too?” Officer replies, “Well, were you wearing your seatbelt?” “Uhh, no..” “Alright, can I see your ID?” Not the brightest fella about.

8. Wow, "GoogleAnthony."

So this happened a few years ago. I was patrolling with my buddy at night, it was almost the end of our shift. Suddenly, we get an alert that a local nearby gas station had just been robbed (unsuccessfully) and that the suspect was supposed to pass by us in a red car. Indeed, seconds later we saw a man speeding through the road. Details on the side, we ended up caughting him on a dead-end street. When my buddy was handcuffing the suspect, I asked the suspect if he had had something to do with the robbery. He repeatedly said 'I have never been there. Ask the ginger lady!'. Turns out the cashier that night was an old lady named Marcy, covering up for her ill daughter, whom would had never been able to identify him since he was wearing a black mask during the robbery (which we never found). Marcy had ginger hair. Fortunately, the suspect was kind enough to inadvertently confess the crime. How could he know the appearance of the cashier if he had never been at the crime scene? The jury thought the same.

9. Oh man, "Eff-Bee-Exx."

He wouldn’t have gotten away with it, but a patron of the bar that my sister worked at many years ago was stopped by the troopers while driving along next to the highway, in the ditch. His explanation: “Officer, I’m way too drunk to be on the road!”

10. Don't drive and drive if you're a lawyer, "GaryNOVA."

Ok so we had a DUI accident where a guy kept driving straight into the woods into a tree because his GPS was predicting a future street. He walked back to his hotel room and left his check in papers in the car.

So we go to the hotel and go to his room and knock on the door. He did not have to answer. But he did. He was pretty clearly drunk. I ask him if he had anything to drink since the accident. He did not have to answer OR he could have told us that he drank after the accident. He said “no I haven’t had anything to drink since the accident”.

AND where I’m from you have 24 hour to report a property damage only accident. So it wasn’t even a hit and run.

So as I’m locking the guy up he tells me he’s a lawyer. I told him “I hope you’re not a defense attorney”.

11. Secret gardens need to be secret, "Keims."

A cousin of a friend of mine travels around the state to take in dead beat dads. Gets to one place, a 4 year old kid is home, dad isn't. So the cop starts talking to the kid, making sure he's ok and such. After a bit of this, kid says to cop, "want to see my dad's secret garden?" Takes him to a closet with a false back, opens it up to see a small pot farm. Guy gets home to a few cop cars and a few charges.

12. Wow, poor kid, "flpacsnr."

Not a cop but a witness.

During college, my friends and I would hang out outside and smoke Hookah. Frequently we would invite strangers who pass by to join or campus police would casually chat with us as they made their rounds. So one time a group of freshman walk past and ask to join. After about 15 min the campus police car rolls up and the freshman get visibly nervous, we tell them calm down, the cops are chill. As soon as the cop gets out of the car, one freshman bolts and makes it about 20 feet before the cop tackles him. We all clap and heckle the kid. Upon searching him, the cop finds a bunch of weed, then he says, “You realize prior to running, I had no reason to be suspicious. I just wanted to talk to my friends over there.” And points at us. The cop ends up writing a ticket and sends him off.

13. What the hell, "reallycodered."

Fellow officer stopped a car for a turn violation. Guy is a “wanna be” drug dealer who we have seen around the bars before. We are talking with him and ask permission to search his car. He agrees. I’m bullshitting with him about sports and weather and the officer finds a duffle bag. So I joke and say “nothing in there that’s dangerous right, like bombs or grenades or explosives?” He nods and says, “yea a bunch of dynamite.”

I’m waiting for him to laugh or smile or shrug or do something that screams it’s a joke. Nothing. I say, “I’m going to open the bag and look, ok?” Expecting at any moment he will stop me. He doesn’t.

It was 8 sticks of dynamite he stole from a construction site (separate story). If he didn’t say anything, I would have ignored the bag thinking it was tools.

14. This is so dumb, "weedful_things."

A friend told me a story about when he and his teenage friends had a shitty garage band. They were jamming one night and some family member gets into it with her boyfriend in the house. Cops were called. They stop playing and go outside to watch. A cop walked over to them to find out who they were. One kid straight up admitted that he had been drinking that night. Because that wasn't what the cops were there for and he didn't see anyone drinking, he said he didn't care. The kid took that as permission, walked into the garage and walked back out with his beer. Now the cop cared enough to take him to jail.

15. C'mon dude, "MrMrLee."

I was working a trial of a guy accused of a gunpoint robbery of a bodega. His defense was it was a case of mistaken identity, that somebody else did it. When the prosecution called a witness he became visibly upset and started to yell at his defense attorney; "They can't call that guy to testify against me!". Why not? The attorney said.
"He can't possibly identify me, he wasn't there!" Whoops!

16. This is crazy, "ministryofttimetravel."

There was a dispute between two drug dealers that lead to one of them being murdered with a shotgun. The cops arrest the other dealer who is obviously the main suspect and begin to question him. In the middle of the interrogation one of the cops says “Listen, we know it was you witnesses described a man matching your description at the scene.”

To which the accused dealer laughed and defiantly replied

“That’s complete bullshit, I was wearing a balaclava!”

The cops looked at each other and promptly left the room and started laughing.

That guy will probably spend every day of his sentence thinking about that sentence.

17. This guy sucks, "Dedguy805."

I work as a correctional officer. We had a inmate push a mental health specialist to the ground and attempt to kiss her.

While getting the inmate separated from the victim he spontaneously stated “I just wanted to have sex with her”.

Went from simple assault to attempt Rape.

This was a bad situation made much worse by speaking.

18. Wow, this is so funny, "EricRauty."

Was about 1 am. He had someone pulled over with his lights on and was writing them a ticket. All of a sudden a car pulls behind the cop car. He finishes writing the ticket and then goes to the other car.

Cop “Can I help you”

Driver “You pulled me over, didn’t you?”

Cop “I sure did. Stay right there.”

Guy was totally drunk and ended up getting arrested.

If you hate your ex with the fire of a thousand suns, this meme list is for you. You'll laugh, you'll rage, you'll vow never to be so dumb ever again.

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