Just glad to see they've patched things up.

It might not fulfill the fantasies of those Breaking Bad fans clinging to the thin hope that "We never actually saw Walt die! He could have pulled through, escaped from a prison hospital, and headed to Eastern Europe to run the international meth market first hand!" 

Unlikely. But until they start showing up in cameos on Better Call Saul, we'll have to settle for this Hardcore Pawn parody thrown together for Sunday night's Emmys.

 (by Bob Powers)

No matter what your opinion is of President George "Mission Accomplished" Bush, whether you voted for him for both terms or swore he would make you move to Canada, there is definitely something special about getting to watch the former leader of the free world take freezing water to the face.

After completing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge herself on the Today show, presidential spawn Jenna Bush Hager nominated mom and dad to complete the challenge as well. Of course she wanted to raise money and awareness for the cause, but really it was an opportunity to see what mom Laura Bush would look like without the "helmet hair" she's been wearing since 1991. 

In response, daddy President Bush made a video that at first seems like a rare moment where he and President Obama agree, claiming that "it would be un-presidential" for him to complete the challenge and that he will just make out a check. 

That's when Laura Bush dumps a bucket of water on his head and declares the check is for her so that she can spare her perfect coif.

I'm assuming she means that she will donate the check for ALS, but I wouldn't be surprised if that money ended up in the hands of Texas's hardest hair-spraying stylist.

To keep the challenge moving forward, Bush nominated his "good friend" Bill Clinton to complete the challenge next. What a sweetheart. 

Let's see that face one more time....

Where have I seen that before?

I nominate Batman. (Via Warner Bros.)

(by Myka Fox)

This year's award for the most generically quirky person on Earth goes to...

Jazz. Action movies. Fast food. Mind-bogglingly awful local commercials. These genres all spread worldwide, but they all started in America, and we still do them the best.

This example from the East Hills Mall in St. Joseph, MO blends three of the best-known styles of local ad: the underwhelming mall ad, the back-to-school sale ad, and the irrepressibly bad local actors ad. Together, they make you want to visit the town, go to the mall, burn it down, and then travel door-to-door making locals sign pledges never to appear on-screen again. What's funniest is that when you visit their website, you realize this is a perfectly acceptable mall. They literally could have put the map and the list of stores on screen for 30 seconds and it would be a more convincing ad:

Why didn't I shop at Justice for my children's apparel? Sounds awesome.

Ok, so I guess the ad is actually a little bit endearing, kind of like this music video that the town of Ames, Iowa put together to convince people to move there. It's certainly a lot less terrifying than this ad for a local nightclub gone horribly wrong. Nothing, of course, compares to what is considered to be the best local ad of all time: this lawyer's special-effects-laden Superbowl ad that ran only in Georgia.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Betting his new password has "Asshole" in it somewhere. Maybe with a 0 for the O. (Via)

Witnessing these nasty breakups in person would be incredibly uncomfortable. But when you can watch from a safe, projectile-free distance on Facebook, it's like seeing a building implode. A building with two very annoying people inside. On the other hand, maybe all of these couples could've stayed together longer if they communicated by any means other than social media.

So much for things being amicable.(Via)

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Wait. Did you break up with a person or did you just get dumped by God? (Via)

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When you know, you know.(Via)

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If you're going to put your breakup on Facebook, at least give him a good reference. (Via)

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In our darkest hour, a smartass shines a light. (VIa)

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 Updated 3/10/14:

Good behavior causes bad heartbreak.(Via)

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According to the redditor that shared this, they'd been dating for five weeks.(Via)

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Maybe you'd want to send something? Dead flowers, perhaps?(Via)

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This woman really isn't a fan of the whole "punishment fits the crime" thing. (Via)

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What's the emoji for "Feeling Repetitive"?(Via)

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Can we pity the state of your school district? (Via)

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Updated 11/20/13:

You are his life, Emily.

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Or maybe "is single." Yeah, try that.

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I bet your GF also thinks love is a motherf*cker.

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Your break-up life, on the other hand, is of interest to us.

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Post a message to Facebook asking your very qualified friends!

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"If you're interested in buying, though, the wedding's off."

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Updated 10/22/13:

Still, it's impressive that a cock was able to walk the planet at all.

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Nah, pretty sure airing grievances on Facebook is the way to go.

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It's either by text or on Facebook, Brandon. You decide.

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Maybe in another 3 hours you'll find someone new.

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The saddest part is he was in a relationship with his own right hand.

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No argument here, sir. You are a true dick.

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Updated 9/26/13:

Yes it is, Carl.

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Can't speak, but can type, you dick.

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That's very insightful of you, Adam!

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No gurlz, plz.

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The social media site of my enemy is my friend.

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Updated 8/5/13:

Um...okay, but what am I going to do with this 7-layer dip?

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Oof he didn't get in that message til 12:01 am.

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Could it be you had a communication problem?

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Let's just say Trevor's rolling back prices on his wife.

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Wait wait, and there's great cotton candy, too. You should check it out!

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His next text was: "Ay want to brak op." She got off easy.

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Updated 7/3/13:

He posted a similar photo the day the school cafeteria was out of chicken nuggets.

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Lol but seriously who are you talking about?

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Nothing stands between her and celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

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Why would anyone dump this charming chap?

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Hopefully the doorbell's broken and it's unclear if you can just go inside or not. Oh snap!

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We would say, "Use Facebook for something less stupid, Laurence..."
 

Updated 6/4/13:

We will take those odds!
 

Yeah, nothing says a-hole like "loves his mother."

It was because they could not understand what you were saying.

He didn't even include an exclamation point??

Look, obviously she was talking about dinner plates.

No idea whose it is, but man, that is cute! Is it for sale? We'll call George and ask.

Updated 5/3/13:

What if your whole complex package kinda sucks?

FARMVILLE IS NOT A JOKE.

So you peed on his lego case, but he's the weirdo for drinking it?

Meanwhile: "I have a boyfriend and his name is **** and I do not love him."

Yes, we would think it's funny. Sorry.

Is that Pearl Harbor Day? We always forget.

He's the one who's stubad for letting this gem of a gal get away.

Updated 3/21/13:

"Oh, I'm pretty much the same, except my ex-wife is riding Harley and I got a Porsche."

To be fair, the punctuation here suggests incest may be common in their region.
 

That's fuked-up. He's luky he's not stuk in the muk with her anymore. A boy deer is a buk.
 

James W and James M? Maybe she's just vertically dyslexic and can't see faces or bodies.
 

We thought this was an argument between 14-yr-olds until the last sentence. USA! USA!
 

Should not HAVE GONE out with you. In fact, no one on this list should breed. We're sad now.

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Updated 1/10/13:

She should have known he was unstable when he spelled Johnny "Johnnie" like an idiot.

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This can be applied to pretty much anything 17-year-olds say.

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Jamie may be a real jerk, but it takes a lot to have your own strain of the clap.

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If you can't tell yourself it was her fault, there's still KFC. Except they don't want you either.
 

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Herpes burns you.
 

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Like the shark in Jaws, it's scarier because you can't see what's happening.

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Could also have been "hors" like "hors d'oeurves"... that you serve to whores.

Updated 8/15/12:

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Updated 8/15/12:

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Posted on 5/24/11:

Hare lip. (via)

Are you a fan of animated Disney films or love classic Warner Brothers cartoons? Not just someone who remembers them fondly or grew up watching Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning, but a "I often fantasize about making out with Yosemite Sam" kind of fan? If you're the latter, then A) you're pretty weird and should talk to someone about it, and B) Laura Jenkinson might be the girl for you. Because when Laura's not busy as a London-based makeup artist, she uses her talent to transform her mouth into dozens of famous cartoon characters and the results are pretty spectacular.

Smiling after a Shrek-up. (via)

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A fun way to eat olives. (via)

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Angel in the streets, devil around the mouth. (via)

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Perfect Halloween costume for Lindsay Lohan. (via)

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Nemo chick. (via)

You can find a lot more of Laura's mouth art here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

If you're looking for a way to not eat all the chocolate in your house, you didn't have to turn your house into chocolate. (Via Bathroom Sweets)

The grossest thing I've seen today is the direct result of people's spelling errors. When some customers log on to bathrooms.com looking to buy a bathroom suite, many times they type in the word "sweet." Generally speaking, thats no big deal. If an accident is going to happen, you want it to be in a bathroom. 

Bathrooms.com decided to take this accident literally though, and create an actual "bathroom sweet" by building an entire bathroom made of chocolate. Because the only thing more disgusting than a pun is a chocolate bathroom.

Bathrooms.com wants to take the grossest thing to clean in my whole house and turn it into food? How much am I getting paid to eat this? It's like a party game. How much to eat 9.4 million calories—that's 12 years of calories—in bathroom chocolate? I don't know.... a few million dollars at least, provided I get to vomit into a real toilet as I go. 

Turns out, this isn't some challenge from the movie Se7en, this is a real thing that bathrooms.com and  -- get this -- British chocolatier "Choccywoccydoodah" -- have made for you to actually buy. And it ain't cheap. The whole suite (sweet?), thats a bathtub, sink, toilet, and bidet (gross), is to be sold for $133,000. This is a good deal if you just want to flush your money directly down the cocoa crapper. If you want to save some cash, they are also selling these pieces a la carte. How about just the toilet?

$23,000 a la farte. (Via Bathroom Sweets)

None of these pieces are functional — you cannot run the bathtub and get hot chocolate — and thank god. There isn't enough cranberry juice in the world to solve the problems that would come from using a chocolate bidet.

They say the bidet will add a "splash of taste" to your bathroom. (Via Bathroom Sweets)

Watch your money go down the drain in this $15,000 sink. But not water, the sink don't work.
(Via Bathroom Sweets)

At $80,000 just for the tub, you can't diabetes prices. (Via Bathroom Sweets)

Horrifying. 

Show me the person who buys this chocolate bathroom and I will show you a serial killer that preys on gullible German children. 

(by Myka Fox)

1. Rick Perry Poses For His Mugshot/Presidential Portrait

Yesterday, Texas Gov. Rick Perry proudly walked through crowds of adoring supporters toward the Travis County Courthouse in Austin, where he turned himself in on felony accusations of abuse of power before smugly posing for his mugshot and triumphantly promising the nation that he would be vindicated. Obviously, this led many to wonder if this signals the end of his presidential ambitions.

Gov Rick Perry’s mugshot pic.twitter.com/n9kidNer8j

— Greta Van Susteren (@gretawire) August 19, 2014

Rick Perry's mugshot is the Texas politician's version of young Ray Liotta popping his arrest cherry in Goodfellas. He's a big boy now.

— Hank Thompson (@Hank_Thompson) August 20, 2014

2. Laura Bush Realizes The American Dream Of Dumping A Bucket Of Ice Water On George W. Bush's Head

Former President George W. Bush one-upped spoil sport Barack Obama by accepting the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge for which he was nominated by his daughter, Jenna Bush Hager. Well, kind of. His wife Laura actually accepted the challenge on his behalf. Probably in retribution for eight years of forced smiles and dealing with the subtle smell of decay wafting from Dick Cheney at all times:

Guys, George Bush did the ice bucket challenge, so everyone else can stop now, it's officially not cool anymore.

— Sarah (@thetigersez) August 20, 2014

3. 13-Year-Old South Philly Little League Pitcher Gets Her First Of Probably Many 'Sports Illustrated' Covers

Mo'ne Davis—the 13-year-old pitcher for South Philadelphia's Taney Dragons who many believe has what it takes to break the gender barrier in Major League Baseball—just became the first Little League player to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated. Her fast ball has been clocked at 71 mph, which would be like a 93 mph pitch on a standard MLB field. So, no, you wouldn't be hitting it.

Philly teen becomes first Little League player to make the cover of Sports Illustrated: http://t.co/8XdiWJ3s9epic.twitter.com/G8w3u9baPv

— NBCWashington (@nbcwashington) August 20, 2014

The secretly great part of rooting for Mo'ne Davis that we can actively root against other children without guilt. Get bent, tweens!

— Barry Petchesky (@barryap1) August 20, 2014

4. Americans, Who Don't Get Nearly Enough Vacation Time, Aren't Using All Of Their Vacation Time

According to a new study, American workers—who already get considerably less time away from work than workers in many other countries—are barely using the vacation time they get. Employees currently use only about 51 percent of their paid leave, and 61 percent of the people who do take time away are still attempting to get work done while they should be resting. This is what they call "the American work ethic," or in other countries, "being a dumbass."

Now that I'm the Mom and in charge of planning, packing and navigating, the only part of the family vacation I hate is all of it

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) August 9, 2014

5. Tina Fey Capitalized On Performing As Sarah Palin Impression Too Much, Says Woman Who Made Her Career Of Performing As Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin, a woman who made a career out of performing as a folksy, hyper-realistic version of a real-life politician, has taken issue with Tina Fey for doing her Sarah Palin impression a couple times on Saturday Night Live. In an updated version of the book Live From New York, Palin is quoted as saying: "If I ran into Tina Fey again today, I would say: 'You need to at least pay for my kids' braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you're me! My goodness, you capitalized on that! Can't you contribute a little bit? Jeez!'"

Still waiting for Sarah Palin to tell me how to feel about the situation in Ferguson.

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 13, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

George W. Bush did the #IceBucketChallenge! Loved when he gave all those folks at Guantanamo the Regular Temperature Water Bucket Challenge!

Yes, this is human. (Via VK)

Look out, old Human Barbie. There's a new, younger Human Barbie, and she's only 16 years old.

Meet Lolita Richi. According to The Daily Mail, she's only been doing the Human Barbie thing for a year but already has a bunch of fans and is totally natural and not a robot sex doll. 

Originally from Kiev, Ukraine, now living in Tukmenistan, Lolita claims that she's never had any plastic surgery, and her 20 inch waist and 32F breasts are totally natural. No photoshop. Not even dieting. 

What has two thumbs and might be a robot sex doll? (Via VK)

"I had great features to start with and I just improved on them," Lolita told the Daily Mail. "My big breasts are natural although I sometime wear a push-up bra to enhance them. I have a gorgeous figure so I don't even have to diet. I just eat whatever's available in the fridge whether that's sausages or fruit."

Do robots eat sausages? 

"I started wearing affordable contact lenses and make-up," she continued. "My mother used to be an actress so I borrow her wigs."

Really, Lolita? The only thing you've done to change your appearance is eat sausages and wear colored contacts? The rest was just left up to mother nature?

My engineer programmed me to say YOLO when my sensors detect fun. (Via VK)

That's so rude. At least the old Human Barbie, Valeria Lukyanova, had the decency to claim that she attained her dollish figure by being a breatharian. You know, those people who believe they can survive on only air and light. It's kinda like being a plant, but without all that fattening dirt.  

Not that Lolita wouldn't take extreme measures to look perfect if she hadn't had the good fortune to be born (constructed) as a perfect human (robot sex doll).

As she told the Daily Mail, "I think that all women should be well-kept and immaculate. If a girl doesn't have beautiful eyes then they should wear contact lenses to sort it out. If they have a crooked nose, then she must do something about it, whether that's plastic surgery or not."

That's plastic surgery. That's how you fix a crooked nose. 

Thank goodness her only imperfection was her lively real human eyes which could be easily fixed into dead doll eyes with contacts. 

Thinking about looking like I'm not thinking. (Via VK)

Even though Lolita plans to become famous from her Barbie appearance, she also plans to become a psychologist, because there are people out there with real mental problems. 

But not her. They don't program robot sex dolls to be crazy.

Or do they? (Via VK)

(by Myka Fox)

(click to enlarge) (via)

The most surprising takeaway from this map showing the relative worth of a dollar in each state is how little difference there is across the U.S. The map was made by a group called the Tax Foundation, probably to make a wonky point of some sort. But basically illustrates the fact that, if you were concocting a move from Massachusetts to Wyoming in order to live like a king with your meager earnings, you may want to reconsider your plan.

You'd think there would be a much bigger disparity between the cost of living in Hawaii than living in Nevada. How is there only a 16-cent difference between living on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and living in the desert? Are they gambling away the difference?

One misleading thing about the map is that it doesn't show the difference between the various regions in each state. A dollar in California has a relative worth $88.57. However, that doesn't mean a whole lot when you consider that a San Francisco dollar, worth pennies compared to the national average, could be a down payment on a house in Stockton.

A dollar is worth the most in Mississippi, and the least in Washington, D.C. Which means that, theoretically, the most lucrative setup in the United States would be a home in Mississippi and a government job in Washington. Politicians come out on top again. So typical.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

attn: Capt. #RonJohnson is NOT IN A GANG!! He is a member of #KappaAlphaPsiFraternity .This is a greeting 4 members. pic.twitter.com/WwZdpoRzvX

— Dave Jordan (@DJNYC1) August 20, 2014

The media. Race. Stereotypes. Reality. These four things don't mix well together. Take, for example, the story of Missouri Highway Patrol Captain Ron Johnson. That's a pretty serious name, "Missouri Highway Patrol Captain Ron Johnson," and as the man appointed to lead law enforcement's response to the unrest in Ferguson, he's been one of the few people in uniform to make a sincere connection with the protestors in Ferguson, with his speech on Sunday and my talking to people on the street. Granted, his watch has still been tumultuous at nighttime and not as peaceful as promised, but it's also clear his control over the police on the ground is limited.

But what if I told you he was black? You might think "well, OK, sure. That's probably not a bad idea." If that's what you thought, I hope you don't plan on pursuing a path in the American news media, because you will be eaten alive. What if, instead of being a career policeman who's made Captain and has now been appointed by the Governor to attempt to defuse an explosive case of social unrest, Capt. Ron Johnson was instead...a mole for a criminal gang, probably the Bloods?!

Captain Ron Johnson throws up "gang signs?" Really @CNN? You're just gonna leave that up? http://t.co/DSLFprbHv1pic.twitter.com/jAUN8qIIgH

— DJ Digital (@callmeDjDigital) August 19, 2014

Now, the report initially came from iReport, CNN's lazy crowdsourced-news thing, so it's held to a slightly lower standard of journalism than their primetime coverage. That said, you'd think someone would be on the lookout for blatant race-baiting and wrongness. This isn't Twitter, it's still CNN, which means that the worst parts of the Internet will use it as proof for their awful causes, and none of those people will ever see the retraction (which did happen.)

Troll, Troll, Troll your boat RT @DixielandDiva BLACK Capt. Ron Johnson and his gang signs needs to resign http://t.co/wCEnyOBx1g

— Lizzuendo (@Lizzs_Lockeroom) August 19, 2014

Wow. So this article said Ron Johnson is throwing up “gang signs”. I’m assuming they know nothing about fraternities. pic.twitter.com/HdB9a0YJHA

— True Eastwood (@true_east_) August 19, 2014

Yikes. Yes, that "sign" that looks like an upside-down OK symbol, is a sign members of the Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity, a historically African-American fraternity that was founded in 1911 at Indiana University, sometimes use to greet each other. Because they're part of the same group. Not a gang, a scholastic organization. Not from the school of hard knocks, but from college, you dicks.

My 7th grade social studies teacher and "gang" member Ron Johnson throwing up their "gang" sign pic.twitter.com/diqJzgpYmE

— RandaSantana (@DearRanda) August 19, 201

Stay in school, kids—hopefully long enough that you can avoid sounding like an ignoramus on the Internet.

(by Johnny McNulty)

We still love you? C'mon, mom, they're only at the dry-humping stage. Ease off a little.

 When it comes to awkwardness, dry humping < boyfriend's mom catching you dry humping < boyfriend's mom baking you a cake about catching you dry humping. This is maybe the most awkward cake I've ever read, and we here have seen a truly stupendous number of weird cakes. Now, my first instinct was to call total b.s. on this cake, but upon review of the comments left by the redditor who posted it, a certain One_Skinny_Mexican, I've decided that it's legit. For one, he does explain the backstory, which involves his parents being paranoid security nuts, albeit fun-loving ones:

The other reason I believe it is that the rest of his comments involve a lot of braggadocio about what appears to be every sexual encounter he's had in his brief life, which check outs in terms of being an incoming college freshman. Congrats, One_Skinny_Mexican, I'm glad you have such a great attitude about this, and I look forward to your awkwardly hilarious posts from college.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"That shark really whetted my appetite for something substantial."

Approximately 375 million years ago, during the late Devonian period, our ancestors—such as the tetrapod-like Tiktaalik roseae fish—first started crawling up out of the oceans to make lives for themselves on dry land. You ever wonder why they did that? Here, I'll help you figure it out.

First, think of the scariest oceanic animal that you know of. It's a shark, right?

Okay, now watch this video:

That was a giant grouper that rose up from the watery depths to swallow that shark without breaking a sweat. Yeah, those things exist! And I guarantee that grouper isn't the biggest fish beneath that boat.

So, I'll take my chances with the grizzly bears and mountain lions up here. I don't want anything to do with what's going on down there.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)