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This short animated video answers the age old question of how a bean becomes a fart.

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On the way to realizing their dreams.

It's every bean's dream. From the first day it appears as a fresh sprout on a sun-drenched beanstalk, a young bean knows one thing: it will one day become an ethereal cloud of flatulence in the wind. You see, for a bean, turning into a fart is a little like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. It's how it leaves the ground behind and sails gracefully into the sky. Except a fart is better than a caterpillar, because it never has to land on a tree branch. It can just keep sailing higher and higher up into the sky. It's quite beautiful.

That said, here's a very brief video that attempts to explain the science behind nature's most wondrous transformation:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Too loud.

A disturbingly hilarious look into the life of the guy who makes sound effects for porn.

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I'm glad I'm too old to have to give up whatever food that is after watching this.

When you make porn, there's a lot that goes into it. There are the people in front of the camera, obviously, and of course you have your cameramen, gaffers, grips, fluffers, and dildo wranglers. But, at the end of the day, if it doesn't sound like two people bumping uglies, no one is going to masturbate to it. That's where the porn foley artist comes in. This amazingly well-made sketch from Jack Pearce, starring Will Stephen as foley artist Grant Meyers, imagines a world I almost wish existed if it wasn't so amazingly gross. Also, I am never squeezing a bottle of shampoo ever again.

Great. Now I'm hungry.

(by Johnny McNulty)

4-year-old expelled from preschool because administrators didn't like his mom's Facebook post.

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To be fair, this kid clearly needs some prep time before any picture day.

Florida mother Ashley Habat has a 4-year-old son named Will, who up until recently was enrolled in Sonshine Christian Academy (get it? Son...shine. Get it?). According to her interview with News4Jax, Habat was running late taking Will to school on August 21, and when she arrived, she was surprised to hear a teacher say "It's picture day, Will! Are you excited?" She complained to the school that they had not given notice that it was picture day. The school replied that they had slipped a note into students' folders the week before. Habat apparently thought this level of notice was insufficient, and took to Facebook to say so in a post she set to be seen by "friends only."


*dislike.

Unfortunately for Habat, she also tagged the school in the post, negating her attempt at privacy. Before she left to take Will to Sonshine the next day, she got a call asking her to drop by the office when she came. When Will skipped off to class, the school administrator told Habat that after that day, he would no longer be welcome at the school. 

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They also sent a letter, stating that Ashley's "relationship with Sonshine did not get off to a very good start the first day of school. ...You utilized social media to call into question not only the integrity, but the intelligence of our staff. ...These actions are also consistent with sowing discord, which is spoken of in the handbook you signed."

Said Habat, "I was in shock. Why would you expel a 4-year-old over something his mom posts on her private Facebook page only people on her friends list can see?" She happens to be wrong about that first part—because she apparently doesn't know how Facebook works, but she's right about the punishing-the-child aspect. I mean, do you really want to leave a 4-year-old to be educated solely by someone who can't even write Facebook posts correctly?

The school had no comment.

(by Johnny McNulty)

21 Acceptable Answers To Lil Jon's Question, "Turn Down For What?"

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21.) "I just got the goddamn baby to sleep, Lil Jon!"

20.) "No, seriously, Lil Jon, I'm begging you: do not accept a role in the new Garfield movie."

19.) "A guest has requested their bed be made. Well, it was your idea to open a B&B, Lil Jon!"

18.) "You're about to miss your off-ramp, Lil Jon!"

17.) "Jesus, Lil Jon, that's the fourth pair of laptop speakers you've blown out this month."

16.) "You pressured me into taking "Shots! Shots! Shots!" all last night, Lil Jon, and now I'm hungover. Don't scream "WHAT?!" at me. You know what you did."

15.) "We've received a noise complaint, Mr. Jon." 

14.) "Aliens have interrupted broadcast television, Lil Jon!"

13.) "There's too much feedback on that mic, Lil Jon." 

12.) "Lil Jon, that A/C is goddamn freezing!"

11.) "Chicken Butt." 

10.) "Do you even realize you're screaming all the time? I think you might have damaged your hearing, Lil Jon."

9.) "For charity, Lil Jon. Turn down for charity." 

8.) "Congratulations, Mr. Jon, you're caller 92! But we need you to turn off your radio so we can hear you."

7.) "That's "for whom," Lil Jon. And for whom is the President of the United States. Me. Barack Obama. Turn it down."

6.) "FOR THE SHIRE!!"

5.) "The instructions say you preheat the oven to 500 degrees but then set it to 450 after putting the pizza in, Lil Jon."

4.) "There's a white Honda Civic in the parking lot with its lights on, Lil Jon, and I need to make an announcement." 

3.) "A Klondike bar."

2.) "JONATHAN SMITH! YOU DO NOT TALK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY! Now wash up and get to dinner."

1.) "If we never turn down, Lil Jon, can we ever truly turn up?"

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(by Johnny McNulty, whom you may also follow on Twitter. Graphic by Cole Mitchell. Also, Jake Currie added "Chicken Butt.")

Happily accept.

Relax.

Getaway driver.


Real life Dennis the Menace foils grumpy old man's plot to take down his lemonade stand

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Portrait of a criminal diversifying his products into regular lemonade and strawberry.

T.J. Guerrero is a 12-year-old kid who's life is ripped directly from the comic books. He set up a lemonade stand on a busy corner in his neighborhood to save up money for an ipod and snacks, but grumpy neighbor Doug Wilkey is bent on taking the stand down.

“I am very worried about the value of my home, which is why I built in a residential area, not a business area,” 61-year-old Wilkey wrote in one of a few angry letters to City Hall in Dunedin, Florida. 

If putting up a lemonade stand in a yard is a business, then someone should really set up an anti-trust investigation on the stoop-sale my neighbors have been running. They must be raking in literally tens if not hundreds of dollars. 

Wilkey complained that T.J's friends made noise as they lingered near the stand with their skateboards ("those darn kids with their infuriating wheeled boards"). He also complained that the boys used profanity, threw rocks and debris that Wilkey had to pick up before mowing, and set off fireworks that scared his dog, 

What a terror! Hard to believe a sweet little boy that told the Tampa Bay Times that he uses some of his profits to "go on trips with his grandpa" could be guilty of such appallingly normal 12-year-old antics. 

He's a real mastermind, this one. Look at Guerrero in the video. Terror in the boardroom but turn the cameras on him and he's a perfect angel. 

Of course, City Hall is not ready to take action on this serious threat to Wilkey's well being. 

Dunedin planning and development director Greg Rice told the Tampa Bay Times, "We are not out there trying to put lemonade stands out of business."

Can't trust politicians to get things done anymore. It must be a conspiracy. Clearly, Guerrero has Rice in his back pocket. Maybe he's been giving him 10 cents from every $1 cup he sells, or possibly Rice and his friends get free fresh baked cookies when they walk by.

If anything, the dispute has been good for Guerreros's operation. The story was picked up by a local radio show (102.5 The Bone, lol) calling for listeners to come by and patronize the lemonade stand. The kid made over $1,000 in four hours. 

You wanna know who's really in charge? Follow the money. 

OWTGJL on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs


(by Myka Fox)

The 10 most perfectly timed photos of August.

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"Seriously, how would I look with this haircut?" (via)

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I'll have what Bee's having.(via)

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"Let's split. I don't want to get the bike dirty."(via)

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Atlas as a young boy.(via)

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He's laughing at what's in the other dog's mouth.(via)

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Looks like he's headed in the right direction.(via)

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He's on the South Beach Diet. (via)

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"The sign says that thing biting you is a meerkat."(via)

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The Golden Re-heaver. (via)

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Aaaaand no one gets dessert. (via)

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This is what it would feel like if nerdy girls were as creepy as nerdy guys.

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Stop asking if I'm slutty Khal Drogo! That's just how Khal Drogo dresses.

If you've been on the Internet or talked to a woman lately, you may have noticed that female comic book fans (and gamer girls, for that matter), are getting a bit fed up with the lazy, angry misogyny that still seems permissive in hardcore nerddom. Among those fed-up geeks is the very funny Gaby Dunn, who stars in this video from BuzzFeed Yellow with the put-upon Dave Child, and they flip the script so you can see just how bizarre it sounds when one gender accuses the other of liking fantasy stories about outsiders who gain the power to fight for justice...just to be sexually acceptable.

If you need proof (and I know a lot of you do) that this happens, consider there are such things as entire Tumblrs devoted to cataloging which comic book stores across America make women feel safe. Also consider this f-ing thing

(by Johnny McNulty)

This Korean Chihuahua puppy reading a paper and using a neck massager is master of the long weekend.

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It's only disturbing if you want it to be.

This Chihuahua puppy, let's call him Maxy Relaxy, is deep into his testicularly-shaped light-up neck massager and newspaper. Is he closing his eyes when, as YouTube commenter melonbarmonster points out, the song lyric goes, "close your eyes...," or is he just twitching in anticipation of a three-day weekend?

Do they even have labor day in Korea? Who cares!! This is how you start the long weekend off right.

Thanks, Maxy Relaxy!

(by Myka Fox)

How To Build A Life In A New City

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by Dan Abromowitz

Finding your footing in a new city is no easy feat, but the many recent grads signing apartment leases right now are going to have to do just that. Here are some tips for starting from scratch: 

  • First thing's first: find an apartment, a job, a basic social network, and make enough money to sustain yourself, while also finding time to pursue personal projects and greater aspirations, while also staying active and eating right and occasionally getting out into nature, while also staying in touch with friends and family, while also maintaining your mental health against a daily onslaught of humanity at its worst, while also getting enough sleep. The rest is easy! 
  • Introduce yourself to the mayor as soon as possible with a vigorous handshake to be noted by the local press as a brash up-and-comer. You'll be hobnobbing with society big wigs in no time! 
  • Walk your neighborhood to check out all the cool local spots for the few cheap ones you'll go to repeatedly and the vast majority you'll never, ever visit.
  • Popular bars and coffee shops are hotbeds of interesting, iconoclastic people to imagine yourself conversing with. 
  • Join a local rec league if you're looking for friends named Gordon. 
  • Get yourself arrested, in case some cute cop catches an eyeful of your mugshot and gets to thinking they'd like a piece of that action. 
  • A housewarming party is a great way to bring all your friends in the area together to comment on the size of your kitchen. 

  • Check out a fucking independent book store, you precious little thing. 
  • Taking up hobbies are a great way to expend too much time and effort on creeping incrementally towards arbitrary and meaningless goals, solely to stave off apathy and despair. Hey, just like life!
  • Throw a party for your building if you have too many worldly possessions. 
  • Take up smoking cigarettes so you'll always have a cigarette when someone asks and maybe you'll eventually run into one of those folks again and they'll be your cigarette friend, thanks to tobacco. Thanks, tobacco! 
  • Eavesdrop on the vast array of fascinating conversations all around you to amalgamate interesting tidbits and become very interesting yourself, like that Pacific trash island, but super interesting. 
  • Fill out your schedule with cultural groups and weekly events, like hog league, swingers' bingo, Spanish vocab trivia, audiobook recitation club, slam poetry harbor cruises, white collar crime, kid detective agency, the Unification Church, rivet lickers, braille sanders, rivet licker lickers, subway ruckus boyz group therapy, or basketball. 
  • No good story starts with "no," so for the first few weeks, say "yes" to everything (except the homeless, unattractive strangers, suicide pacts, and sports bars). 
  • Just for kicks, see how long you can go without leaving your apartment, and then keep doing that indefinitely.

 

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.
Graphic by 
Cole Mitchell

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 29, 2014

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1. Expect To See Leonardo DiCaprio In A Joey Ramone Wig — Martin Scorsese To Direct Film About Iconic Punk Band

Word around both the movie and music worlds is that legendary New York filmmaker Martin Scorsese, who rose to prominence in the '70s with energetic, violence and drug-tinged portrayals of life in films like Taxi Driver and Mean Streetsmight be planning to make a film about the legendary New York punk band The Ramones, who rose to prominence in the '70s with energetic, violence and drug-tinged portrayals of life in songs like "Beat on the Brat" and "I Wanna Be Sedated." Seems like an odd pairing, doesn't it?


2. New Kirk Cameron Film 'Saving Christmas' From All The Make-Believe People Who Are Pretend Destroying It

Conservative Christian Kirk Cameron's new film, Saving Christmas—which claims to be a comedy, but can probably be more accurately described as a cinematic religious tract—promises to destroy many of the supposed myths surrounding Christmas, such as the one about Christmas trees originally being a pagan symbol (never mind that it almost certainly was). "I assume [atheists are] going to get frustrated to see some of their best arguments deflated by this movie, because we take on some of the most commonly parroted myths about the origins of Christmas," Cameron explained in an interview with The Blaze.


3. Study: Junk Food Makes You Want To Eat Junk Food Which Makes You Want To Eat Junk Food

According to a new study published in Frontiers in Psychologya junk food-heavy diet leaves people more dependent upon junk food as source of food satisfaction and less likely to add healthier foods to their diet, creating a dangerous cycle that eventually turns them into everybody else in America.


4. Toronto Just Might Give Rob Ford A Fourteenth Chance

According to a new poll, crack-addicted mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is currently in second place, just three points behind John Tory with 31 percent, in the Canadian city's mayoral race. This comes as great news to all Americans who are getting pretty sick of our northern neighbors lording George W. Bush over us for all this time.


5. We All have Trillions Of Pet Bacteria Who Refuse To Leave Our Side

You are currently covered in trillions of individual bacteria organisms, and there's literally nothing you can do about it, according to a new study. You can scrub yourself raw and run far away from your disgusting, filthy house, but it will all build up again in less than a day. "The speed at which that colonization happens was quite remarkable," the germ-ridden head researcher told the AP.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This Homer Simpson-Washington haircut is as impressive as it is hideous.

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This was done on purpose.

Are you a D.C. football fan who wants the world to know that you still support the home team despite the problematic racism inherent in its name AND that you're a diehard Simpsons fan even though it really hasn't been in top form for about fifteen years AND that you really have no compunction about doing terrible things to your body?

If so, I think that I just found the haircut for you:

Similar haircuts—provided by Jesus Cruz in Moline, Illinois, of all places—are also available if you're just a Redskins fan:

...just a Simpsons fan:

 

...or just hate the back of your head:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Cool off.

How to peel apples the old-fashioned way — with a power drill.

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Quite an a'peeling idea.

There's a piece of wisdom that is often attributed to Bill Gates that goes: "I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job, because he will find an easy way to do it." (I can't be bothered to go through all the trouble of verifying if Gates actually said it, so I'll just say he did and then let somebody correct me in the comments.)

With that in mind, the redditor's dad who apparently came up with this way to mass-peel apples for his restaurant must be one of the laziest people in the world. 

We know that a similar concept works with potatoes, but I wonder other fruits, vegetables and foodstuffs can be made easier with power tools. Hey, what if someone made, like, a pitcher or bowl with a sort of mini power drill at its base? I wonder if that could be useful for anything. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Impressionist combines a year's worth of his Robin Williams voices into this impressive tribute.

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Mrs. Doubtfire overcame 100 years of pie-face gags to become the iconic image like this.

Since he graduated college about a year ago, Jamie Costa has been uploading Vines of his celebrity impressions almost every day. A huge number of them were impressions of Robin Williams, who Costa says was "the man who inspired me to do what I do," which led him to compile this tribute. There are impressions of Robin Williams' natural voice (which is still always a very "on" voice) and of his various movie characters, especially Mrs. Doubtfire. All of the voices, especially that one, are clearly done with affection for the actor, which makes especially more poignant the last impression from Good Will Hunting in the video, which he recorded after Williams' death, and in which he announced he would be retiring the voice for a while.

Here's the final Vine again, with his farewell message.

(by Johnny McNulty)

French Bulldog puppy frolics in the rain and chases droplets. Hope you're enjoying Labor Day weekend.

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"One down, infinity to go!"

Dear Internet people,

Greetings from holiday land. I'd say wish you were here, but we're all here, aren't we? This is Teddy. Teddy is a French Bulldog. Teddy is going absolutely crazy over some raindrops, because Teddy isn't worried about going back to work on Tuesday and he can focus on stuff like how cool raindrops are.

You rule, Teddy.

(by Johnny McNulty)

A bunch of real dogs got faked out by this puppet dog.

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"Oh no. Another annoying Internet person."

On the one hand, I'm not a huge fan of preposterously obvious laugh tracks or corny "Isn't this ever so funny?" music over prank videos. But, on the other hand, using a puppet to scare the shit out of unsuspecting dogs is almost as funny as using a puppet to scare the shit out of unsuspecting people. So, again, my baser instincts win out:

In these dogs' defense, they probably have as much reason to be alarmed by a weird French Canadian lady hiding in a potted plant with a stuffed animal on her arm as they do another dog.

Maybe more so.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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