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Jenna Bush probably did it on the roof of the White House.

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Jenna fondly remembers the secret cervix.

Well, it looks like another intruder made it "through the bushes" at the White House. Gee Dubya's daughter Jenna appeared on Andy Cohen's Watch What Happens Live, and she tells a saucy tale of rooftop delight during her term as 1st kid.

As per the fun of the show, randoms get to call in and ask whatever they want. One caller asked if she ever had sex in the White House, and if so, where? At first Jenna demurs by saying "a lady never talks," which is girl shorthand for "in every room and every position."

Co-guest Rachael Ray is ready to congratulate Jenna on her prompt evasiveness, but Jenna interrupts with lurid details of being a 19-year-old dating her now husband, and that "maybe there was a little hanky-panky, maybe there was a kiss on the roof."

So, typical of all admissions by politicians being only the tip of the iceberg, she probably totally did it on the roof of the White House.

Jenna also cites not having sex in the Lincoln Bedroom as a "missed opportunity."

Pfffft. I bet Rachael Ray woulda done it. And in under 30 minutes.


Who's up for a Jenna Bush and husband sammie? Yum-o!

(by Myka Fox)


Lawyer

6 hilarious Someecards calendars that will make the passage of time in 2015 way more enjoyable.

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Calendars. They're important. Without them, the threads of time will unravel and all of the universe will fall in upon itself. That's why these Someecards calendars, purchasable on Amazon, are the perfect gift for your loved ones, your coworkers, or yourself.

Take a look...

1. The wall calendar designed explicitly to express your feelings about your job. (Buy it)


2. The desktop calendar that will make your 2015 desk way more more hilarious than your 2014 desk. (Buy it)


3. For when you're so in love you need a calendar to shout it out for you, this Relationships-themed wall calendar is the one. (Buy it)


4. A planner that will make you look like you actually have plans with others in 2015. (Buy it)


5. If you're sharing a cubicle or you just live in New York City and don't have any wall-space, this more compact mini-calendar will bring you your laughter with a smaller calendar footprint. (Buy it)


6. And this would probably be considered the Someecards "Classic" Calendar, with all the hits to carry you through the new year. (Buy it)

Christmas mourning.

Here's the official trailer for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger-starring 'Terminator' movie.

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The Skynet is crying.

The official trailer for Terminator: Genisys—starring the former Governor of California and the dragon lady from Game of Thrones—is finally out, and it looks considerably less unpleasant-to-watch than 2009's Terminator Salvation:

The only thing more confusing than the weird spelling of the title is everything else about this movie. It looks bonkers! I gather there's some kind of an alternate timeline thing going on, which will somehow result in Arnold Schwarzenegger's character shooting at a younger, shirtless version of himself (did I actually see that?) Beyond that, everything's kind of hazy. Though, I've never had the theoretical physics chops to hack many time travel movies.

I have to admit, I'm kind of disappointed in the Internet right now. This trailer's been online for at least an hour now, and I've yet to see a single shot-for-shot Lego remake.

You guys are losing your edge out there.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Nick Offerman sings of his undying love for whisky.

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Too few hands.

Here's a song from Nick Offerman for those of you with a fondness for whisky, the way it's supposed to be made and spelled. Make no mistakes here, we're not talking about whiskey, with an e. No, if you prefer quaffing the swill that the Irish pour into bottles marked "Jameson" and "Bushmills," then you can just get lost! This video is not for you! And don't even get me started on the burnt-over, liquid refuse they concocted in the American South. Not only is that not whisky, it's not even whiskey. It's bourbon, and it's junk!

This video is Offerman's ode to scotch, the water of life, as the Scots and the angels make it:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

War on Christmas.

Teacher gives 3rd grader unbelievably crappy punishment for clogging toilet.

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The mysterious fathoms below.

Remember how terrible it was back in elementary school? Who can forget the atrocities of getting notes pinned to your shirt, being forced to stand in line, and unclogging the toilet with your bare hands?

No, of course you didn't unclog the toilet with your hands. Unless, that is, you happened to be a student of 23-year teaching veteran Brent Taylor at Scootney Springs Elementary School in Othello, Washington, who recently was caught ordering a student to reach his little child hand into the maw of public school plumbing to remove a fecal obstruction.

According to Fox News, "the third-grader said he reported the clog and teacher Brent Taylor told him to clear it with his bare hands."

So, that guy is totally fired and also in jail and the school has to pay trauma damages to the child's family, right?

Nope.

Fox News reports that the child's parents complained, so the principal "reprimanded" the teacher and made him "review a hygiene course."

Do hygiene courses even cover not touching poop in a toilet with your bare hands? Shouldn't that be common sense? What else is on that course? Don't lick the sidewalk? Don't use garbage as Band-Aids?

Apparently, the school district's superintendent is standing by the principal's decision, and the boy has had to transfer schools.

Hopefully at the next school, his new teacher won't need to take a hygiene course about not eating the urinal cakes.

(by Myka Fox)


This girl busted for drug possession is owning her title as #CuteMugshotGirl.

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Available for bookings.
(via Twitter)

There's a new winner of America's Next Top Mugshot, and her name is #CuteMugshotGirl!

After getting busted for possession of Xanax with intent to distribute, most people would find themselves in a dark place, but Alysa Bathrick saw the felony drug charge as opportunity to shine. After spending four hours in a Raleigh, North Carolina jail, she sent out a Tweet to her fans, reading "Surrendered myself at 7 a.m., got released at 11:30 a.m. Fuck what you heard. And my mugshot's cute."

Alysa Bathrick may have a serious drug problem, and she may be a criminal, but she's no liar. At least when it comes to the picture snapped by the Raleigh, North Carolina police department.

Alysa not only has the look, she's got more attitude than Charlie Sheen on a coke binge. Far from being bothered by possible jail time, Bathrick seemed to get a kick out of her viral fame, retweeting all sorts of come-ons and drug jokes from horny dudes. When one of her followers asked her what she was charged for, Alysa responded with this:

Bathrick seems aware that the quickest way to instant fame these days is a hot mugshot, and she appears determined to make the most of this golden opportunity.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

If you ever plan on using the subway ever in your life, you need to watch this video first.

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If this was metaphorical, it would still be great life advice. But it's not. The stink is real

If you're one of the 8.4 million people who live in the five boroughs of New York, or one of the extra 2 million people who commute into the city every day, you have no excuse for not already knowing everything in this video (not that most of you don't need it anyway). If you're not, there's still a good chance that at some point in your lifetime, you will be one of the 54 million tourists who visit America's finest metropolis every year. So, the odds are good that at some point you, too, will get the chance to ride the magnificent, smelly, wondrous marvel of turn-of-the-20th-Century engineering known as the New York City subway system. So, unless you want everyone in the greatest city in the world to think you're a total putz, watch this instructional video by Johnny T of Glove and Boots, and please, please, just don't add to the stink.

We cannot change this. We can only not add to this.

Amen.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Brave cat survives 36 day trip to Hawaii accidentally packed away in a moving box.

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"You don't even want to know what it was like in the box, man." (Via WAVY)

Ashley Barth hired movers to pack her family up for their move from Suffolk, VA to Hawaii, and they quite literally packed her family away. While they were working, Mee Moowe, the family cat, went missing.

"I was really worried and starting to think the worst," Barth told WAVY. "Maybe she ran away, maybe the movers scared her and she decided it was too much noise and she took off. It made me sick. It was heartbreaking. My girls were devastated trying to tell me that I couldn't leave without Mee Moowe."

The family waited for three days in their empty house hoping for Mee Moowe's return, but eventually had to make their move.

It wasn't until Barth had long since arrived in Hawaii and was working with movers to unload the newly arrived boxes that she heard it: a Mee Moowe meow.

"The guy goes, 'what was that sound?' and my heart just kind of sunk for a minute and I thought, 'no, no way.' And then we heard it again. And the guy said, 'was that a cat?'" Barth said.


"After something like this, even the towels smell better." (Via WAVY)

Impossibly, Mee Moowe, who had hid in one of the boxes, had somehow survived the month long land and sea trip to Hawaii with the rest of the Barths' possessions. They opened the box to find a severely starved and anemic feline. Mee Moowe had lost half her body weight, and her eyes had crusted over.

It's astonishing that Mee Moowe survived the trip without any food and water. A vet who spoke to WAVY 10 News said, "a number of factors come into play, like the cat's health before it moved, the amount of humidity and temperature inside the box and the shipping containers."

"I was in shock," Barth recalled. "I couldn't believe it. I think I was grateful that she was alive, but I was furious this happened to her."

A whole house of boxes, and it didn't occur to her that your cat could have been in one? Cats love boxes. It's all they do. I'd be surprised if those boxes didn't come with more cats.

(by Myka Fox)

I bet you can't read the winner of the 2014 "Bad Sex In Fiction" award with a straight face.

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Sarah felt herself swelling with amused disappointment as she read his limp prose

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for clicking on a blog post about literature, even if it's about hilariously bad sex-literature. This year, the Literary Reviewgave out their 22nd Bad Sex in Fiction Award to author Ben Okri for his cringe-worthy erotic prose in The Age of Magic. The book, which is otherwise not bad, is about a filmmaker shooting a documentary about the utopian ideal of Arcadia. There was a lot of terrible sex writing to choose from in 2014, but the Literary Review judges were apparently quite moved by one passage in particular that exploded from Ben Okri's quivering, turgid pen to make a hot mess of the page. They published this infamous passage (involving Leo, the documentary's presenter, and his girlfriend Mistletoe) so that future generations can avoid ever describing sexual activity in such a manner ever again:

When his hand brushed her nipple it tripped a switch and she came alight. He touched her belly and his hand seemed to burn through her. He lavished on her body indirect touches and bitter-sweet sensations flooded her brain.

She became aware of places in her that could only have been concealed there by a god with a sense of humour. Adrift on warm currents, no longer of this world, she became aware of him gliding into her. He loved her with gentleness and strength, stroking her neck, praising her face with his hands, till she was broken up and began a low rhythmic wail. She was a little overwhelmed with being the adored focus of such power, as he rose and fell. She felt certain now that there was a heaven and that it was here, in her body. The universe was in her and with each movement it unfolded to her.

Somewhere in the night a stray rocket went off.

Understand that no one is calling Ben Okri a bad writer. He won the Booker Prize in 1991 for The Famished Road, and this is his tenth novel. It's just that among all the good things Mr. Okri has written, he also farted out this truly terrible passage about lovemaking.

Head over to the Literary Review site to see excerpts from finalists for the award and details from the fancy event where they presented the award, or follow them on Twitter, where excerpts from this year's finalists were tweeted with the hashtag #BadSex.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Whet your appetite for 'Peter Pan Live!' with Jane Krakowski's "leaked" audition tape.

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Neverland raunch.

The only downside to watching 30 Rock star Jane Krakowski's hilarious "leaked" Peter Pan audition tape is realizing how great it could have been. NBC's Peter Pan Live! starring NBC's own Brian Williams' daughter Allison will be a perfectly satisfactory, totally professional production the whole family can stare at together for two hours while tweeting along to either #PeterPanLIve or #PeterPanSucks.

But the bi-curious, pixie dust-addicted Peter Pan envisioned by Krakowski and the folks at Funny or Die looks significantly more entertaining.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Bad will toward men.

This little boy popping and locking to dubstep is adorably trippy.

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Pre-cool.

This little boy named Tegan may not be the best pop-and-lock dancer in the world, but he'd absolutely destroy the competition in an under-3 dubstep dance competition. And if that competition doesn't exist, someone should make it happen because it's pretty entertaining. At least when Tegan does it.

At the beginning of the clip, his moves don't seem that unusual for a kid his age. When he wobbles around like a zombie, he looks like most two-year-olds trying to stand after five or six hours at Disneyland. But at the one-minute mark, it becomes obvious that Tegan actually knows how to dance.

He's so good that if it wasn't for the fact that he's two feet tall, he'd fit right in the crowd at an EDM show. Especially when he starts crawling around on the ground like a raver who accidentally dropped his stash. But Tegan doesn't need drugs to get down. He's obviously a natural.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


Were you or someone you love exposed to Peter Pan Live? You might be entitled to money damages.

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GladstoneFri, 5 Dec 2014 07:16:12 EST

Were you or someone you love exposed to Peter Pan Live? You might be entitled to money damages.

Peace on Earth.

16 cats that are determined to destroy their owners' Christmas trees.

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Deck the halls with boughs of cat. (via)

It seems like the time for cats to climb on, topple over, and otherwise destroy our Christmas trees comes earlier and earlier every year, doesn't it? Nothing says "joy" like the sight of two guilty-looking little ears poking out from behind an ornament, and nothing says "Again? Are you freaking kidding me?" like someone whose cat just knocked over their tree for the fourth time this December. It may be true that cats hate Christmas, but they adore the opportunity to ruin something we love.


Best seat in the house for Santa's arrival. (via)



A better view to see if the digital clock makes any sudden moves. (via)



On New Year's Day, it's back to the attic with you and the rest of the ornaments. (via)



There were probably a few cats creeping around in the manger that night. (via)



Call me a Grinch to my face, human. (via)



I don't need to be rescued. I can knock this tree over anytime. (via)



No need to let a fear of heights get in the way of your love of being in the way. (via)



If I hold perfectly still, maybe I can convince them I'm a string of popcorn. (via)



Yes, that's right. Leave me all the boxes... (via)



I was not stuck. You were stuck in your closed-minded anti-cat-in-trees stance. (via)



Man, wanton destruction is exhausting. (via)



Zoning regulations state nothing in this house can be taller than the cat. (via)



All I want for Christmas is to be trapped in this tree forever. (via)



If I fits I awkwardly holds on for dear life. (via)



Catmouflage. (via)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

An adorable little girl magically turned a subway platform into an impromptu dance party.

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And a child will lead them.

Here's a clip of what pretty much amounts to science fiction turned fact. Joy on a subway platform. Strangers inspired to shake free of their scowls and stony postures and lose themselves to a moment of wild dance. It's the stuff of myth, an absolute anomaly, and it's all thanks to the infectious happiness of an adorable little girl.

Recorded in November at the Bedford L platform in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and posted to the YouTube account of married buskers Coyote and Crow, here's a whole bunch of strangers dancing to a cover of the Grateful Dead's "Me And My Uncle."

Are you going to be the one who leaves a little girl alone out there on the dance floor? Even if the dance floor happens to be a disgusting slab of concrete just five feet above all the rats in the world? Didn't think so.

(by Bob Powers)

A woman got asked out by the guy who bullied her as a kid, so she stood him up with this awesome note.

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Adult Louisa, still entirely too good for you.
(via Facebook)

As a kid, Louisa Manning was bullied about her weight and body hair by students in her class . Her classmates thought it was clever to call her "manbeast," a play on her last name. Those words made an impression on 12-year-old Louisa, who developed an eating disorder and struggled to maintain her self-confidence over the next few years.

Now 22 and a student at Oxford University, Louisa was surprised when she ran into one of the boys who bullied her at school last week, and he asked her on a date.

She was also kind of "pissed off." Louisa told BuzzFeed News, "It really made me angry that now I'm attractive, he instantly wants to jump into bed with me." Louisa remembered this boy as being one of the worst offenders back when they were kids.

She thought about turning him down, but then she realized it would be a lot more fun to teach him a lesson. They made plans to meet for dinner, but when the dude showed up at the restaurant, he got this note instead.


She's not really sorry she can't join you, kid.(via Facebook)

Louisa has been too nice to release the guy's name to her many online supporters, who might take out their aggression on him. She writes on Facebook that she doesn't condone violence, just "holding ten year long grudges and then getting sweet, perfectly timed revenge."

Her revenge had one very sweet result:


(via Facebook)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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