1. One Legislator Unlucky Enough To Get Caught Being Corrupt Resigning From Congress
1/535th of the U.S. Congress's corruption problem was solved today, when Michael Grimm—who represents New York State's 11th congressional district—announced that he will resign from office, after pleading guilty to tax evasion. The state will soon hold a special election to pick up the political malfeasance where Grimm left off.
Imagine how many crimes Michael Grimm will commit without a full time job.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) December 30, 2014
2. CIA Finally Admits It Does The Bidding Of Our Secret Alien Overlords
The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency yesterday publicly took responsibility for the rash of UFO sightings that began in the 1950s, tweeting "Reports of unusual activity in the skies in the '50s? It was us." What terrified civilians took for dangerous flying saucers were apparently nothing more than harmless U-2 spy planes secretly used by our government to bring the nation just up to the brink of global thermonuclear war.
"UFO, FU!" -- someone who just got anally probed by aliens and also loves palindromes
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) September 24, 2014
3. Large-Breasted Colombian Mom To Spend Life With Muscle-Bound Italian-American Werewolf
Preternaturally beautiful 42-year-old mother Sofia Vergara has reportedly accepted a marriage proposal from ridiculously well-built 38-year-old actor Joe Manganiello. The Modern Family and True Blood actors will be wed in a ceremony, surrounded by their wealthy and attractive friends in a location where you cannot go, ugly.
Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are engaged. They plan to get cracking on a pack of chiseled, big-breasted wolf spawn as soon as possible.
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) December 30, 2014
4. Netflix To Help Duplicitous Parents Lie To Their Overly Trusting Children This New Year's Eve
Online streaming service Netflix is offering parents of particularly gullible children an opportunity to get to bed early this New Year's Eve, through the use of a Madagascar-themed animated short propaganda film designed to fool dumb little kids into believing that they are actually getting to partake in the shared social experience of ringing in the new year, when in fact they are simply the victims of an intricate con and are yelling about nothing at 7:36. The three-minute special is currently available to play now, in case you just want to get all this over with immediately. Your dim-witted kids won't know the difference.
I'm delighted to find out we all hate New Year's Eve. If we just collectively agree to stay home, we can do nothing without feeling guilty!
— Happy Lou Year (@LouisPeitzman) December 30, 2014
5. Extremely Rare Sumatran Tiger Devours Cubs In Effort To Remain Extremely Rare
Not long after giving birth to three cubs at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo, a Sumatran tiger mother was discovered to have eaten her offspring, which is kind of another way of saying that Sumatran tigers are exactly as rare and endangered as they were a few weeks ago.
For just $8 a month my neighbor Peter will help you symbolically water birth an endangered tiger.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) December 26, 2012