Riding that line between tipping and tripping.

I don't know about you guys, but when I am drunk, I am riiiich. Let me buy you and your wife a round, because you guys just look just like what a married couple should be... so cute and kinda angry!

According to the sparse details from CBC News, a man in Barrie, Ontario bought a $7 sammie at a bar, and then, in a grand philanthropic gesture, tried to leave a $98,931.87 tip on his credit card.

That's a 1,400,000% tip.

The number on the tip is so specific, too. Like maybe he had just put $100K in the bank but also bought a sweater that day. Or maybe he was trying to write his phone number down so the bartender could call to thank him and then get married because he or she would almost have to.

Optimistically, the bar ran drunky's tip as he wrote it and—womp, womp—it didn't go through. Instead, they called the cops, who declared him "intoxicated and unable to properly care for himself."

Aww, that's not a very nice thing to say about an eccentric billionaire/someone-who-needed-to-feel-rich-and-generous-for-just-one-goddamn-evening-is-that-alright-with-you.

Kitty, ready to help with the high notes.

There are countless videos on the Internet of adorable kids singing catchy songs. This is not one of those videos. This is a video of a cat acting like a jerk. However, unlike most clips in the "cats being jerks" genre, it's pretty easy to understand where this one is coming from. It's not a random attack. The boy in the clip might be a great kid, but both his singing and the song leave something to be desired. Specifically, that he stop. And never sing again.

Even though the cat winds up looking like a dick, it's entirely possible that he loves this boy, and understands that if he didn't step up and put a stop to his singing, someone—a family member, an angry neighbor, local police—eventually would have. So, you could look at this as a video of the cat doing the boy, his family, the neighbors, and music a big favor.

Daly can actually jump higher than Spanky, but he doesn't like to rub it in.

Here you go, vultures: the last bit of innocent fun and true whimsy left on Earth. I dug it up and put it out here for you to pick clean. If there was any justice in the world, you would watch this and all your cynicism would clear up like an old case of psoriasis being treated with the cream of joy. You would go back to work, confident that as long as Daly the Jack Russell terrier and Spanky the mini horse are out there, the flame of hope has not yet gone out in the world. This is a horse... who is the size of a very large dog... who gets ridden by a very small dog... and together they jump over stuff and do a whole bunch of tricks. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM EXISTENCE?

Ok, I feel better now. Did I mention that Spanky has an "S" shaved into his luxurious horse fur? Man, that's some relaxing, feel-good stuff right there.

That's the good stuff. I needed that. I was kind of jonesing before, sorry.

These toy wheels glued to this turtle are no laughing matter.

Poor Blade the tortoise. Not only does he have a growth disorder that rendered his legs too weak to support his own body weight, but he also lives in Germany, so he's constantly surrounded by the kinds of people who have extremely serious expressions on their faces when they talk about supergluing Lego bricks onto little reptiles:

I'd hate to see the severity on that veterinarian's face if he ever had to cover an animal in glitter and unicorn stickers. He'd probably have an embolism.

Help, I've fallen and I couldn't possibly be any cuter.

Bao Bao the 16-month-old baby panda did not commute to work today, witnessing drivers go through their annual ritual of remembering what snow is and how not to crash in it. Bao Bao just rolled out of bed (from what I've seen of the footage, perhaps literally) and immediately began her full-time occupation: amusing visitors of the Smithsonian National Zoo and the inhabitants of the Internet by playing in the snow. Bao Bao and her fellow endangered brethren may be almost too dumb to you-know-what (although clearly her mother Mei Xang, who also appears in the video, managed it at least once), but she's a genius when it comes to frolicking.

Meanwhile, she continues to live off the taxpayer, despite the fact that all Giant Pandas on the planet are legally property of the communist Chinese government. What a lazy (adorable, delightful) bum.

She puts the inmate in intimate.

This week in "Things Women Have Stuck in their Vaginas" I bring you Josephine McAllister, who shoved a gun up there.

Josephine was arrested by police and booked into Albuquerque's Metropolitan Detention Center for possession of stolen credit cards, larceny, and resisting an officer when, according to the Houston Chronicle, she decided to avoid adding an additional charge to her rap sheet for the gun she had been concealing in her waistband. The better idea, she assumed, was to shove a gun in her lady parts.

None of the reports mention whether the weapon was loaded or if the safety was engaged, but it seems like an awfully high risk of vaginal discharge.

McCallister maintains that the gun was only in her waistband, but officials who patted her down and scanned her are sure the gun did some time in that women's solitary.

The crotch carbine evaded detection by at least four security officers before she was able to discard her weapon in the trash bin in the women's bathroom. There, another inmate discovered the gun and reported it. Officials say they do not suspect McAllister was trying to sneak it in for her own use or to give to another inmate.

Officer Simon Drobik told Albuquerque TV station KOAT, "We can only be so thorough, and that area is out of the question. We cannot search a body cavity."

Too bad for their safety, because I have a pretty good idea of where she might be hiding some bullets.

Head to toe, good to go.(via)

God bless Dads everywhere. Especially the ones who stopped giving a crap about what they look like years ago, and see no reason to spend money on trendy clothes when their perfectly fine, stone-washed jorts still fit. Those dads are the focus of the popular new Instagram account Fashion Dads, a place to showcase the #EffortlessElegance of the man in your life who puts comfort over style, feeling good over looking good, and an old sweatshirt over just about anything. Each post features a stylish dad along with a colorful take on what makes him worthy of being a Fashion Dad.

There's the aging, crunchy Dad who likes to flaunt what he's got with cutoff short-shorts.

The key to a #CasualChic ensemble is looking like it was effortless. While it may have taken me hours to pair these #vintage #LeviStrauss cutoffs with a gray#Hanes tee and my trendy #topsiders, it appears that I just threw it on and stepped outside. And like I always say, the perfect hat can truly complete any outfit!! #OOTD #StyleTips #SteppingOut#EffortlessElegance #IslandStyle #DaisyDukes (via)

The Dad who knows that tube socks are for every season.

'Confidence. If you have it, you can make anything look good.' --DVF. Went shopping @dianawarnertonight and LOVE LOVE this new orange sweater matched with a baby blue khaki short. Great for early spring outings and dinners. If you pair it with a long grey sock it is money. #FashionIsLife#LifeIsFashion #NoSoxInTheChampagneRoom#LoveTheSkinYoureIn #FashionBlogger (via)

The Dad with a knack for creating the perfect Christmas morning ensemble.

I like to call this look the double C -- cozy & chic.I LOVE pairing a plaid robe with a solid 3/4 zip pullover. It's a subtle but fun way to mix it up! As for the hat, it's extremely important to keep a sense of humor in this industry. There will always be haters out there! #fashionblogger #LoveAndLaughter #OldNavyRobe #Polo3/4Zip #GapSweats#HanesWhiteTshirtsandSocks (via)

Dads whose idea of formal is the Canadian Tuxedo.

I absolutely love a denim on denim look for casual comfort and high style. I paired these relaxed fit#LeeJeans with a light denim button-down and navy mock turtleneck underneath and I'm ready to take on the day. Well after I have my #coffee first of course!! #OOTD #AllJeanEverything#CanadianTuxedo #BoysInBlue #DenimDiva#Candid #Relaxation #FireplaceFashion (via)

Even celebrity dads get some love, as long as they know how to work #DadStyle.

After a long day of coaching I like to throw on something chic and comfortable for my post game interviews. Today I chose my #Patriots #Nike navy blue hoodie matched with a darker navy swishy pant rolled up just under the knee for a little extra pizazz! To complete this look, you can wear white crew socks and vintage #Nike tennis shoes and boom, and comfort!! #GoPatriots #JK (via)

If there's a Dad in your life who lives the #FashionDad lifestyle, you can submit your own shots here.

Ben's friend puts the pun in punishment.

It's one thing when your dad tells a pun at the dinner table and you pretend to laugh because he is your dad and it will be over soon, but its another thing when one grown man harasses another with a barrage of the worst puns imaginable.

Here, Ben is followed from the grocery store, to his house, to the gym, and around town by his super annoying friend (I assume the friend is YouTube poster Matty Ferg) who films him as he desperately vies for Ben's attention by making puns based on whatever he can find.

Some of the puns are really bad. Some of them aren't even really puns. It's just four minutes of "I'm going to annoy my jacked-up, tank top wearing friend until I eventually receive the pun(ch) I deserve."

This is about the worst thing that can hap-pun.

Who needs a lawyer? No, seriously, I need a lawyer.(via Pasco County Sheriff's Office)

Despite the fact that it might seem like this story was generated using a giant Florida-themed Boggle set, it did in fact happen in the real Florida. I guess legalizing gay marriage today didn't actually change all that much.

John Balmer, 50, was standing in line at a Kmart in Hudson, FL (just north of Tampa) when he made a series of very dumb decisions. Balmer's first two bad choices happened before he even left the house, when he decided to carry on his person a large bag of weed and meth and then don a shirt that said "Who needs drugs? Seriously, I have drugs."

While waiting in line, which is not a suspicious thing to do, John saw a sheriff's deputy enter the store. Like the intelligent man he has proven himself to be, John reacted to this development by trying to hand a plastic bag containing a "green, leafy substance" to the person behind him in line. The deputy saw him do this. For some reason, the person behind Balmer declined to take the bag.

Amazingly, this was not the point at which Balmer was arrested. Balmer continued to the checkout counter, where he proceeded to buy some stuff after putting his bag of drugs on the groundnext to the register. At this point, the deputies were becoming interested, especially after employees approached them to say something along the lines of "hey, this dude just put a bag of drugs on the ground."

Balmer was then

arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and methamphetamine. He was also summarily convicted of being an idiot by a jury of everyone on the Internet after they saw his picture, which the Pasco County Sheriff's Office gleefully posted to Facebook with the caption "pay close attention to the t-shirt," which is maybe something they should add to their police manuals.

If you think about it, pink is the color of body entrails.

Here's a fun game to play while watching this video of some older dudes thrashing on a set of First Act Discovery children's musical instruments. Watch it for a few moments, and then close your eyes and just listen. Eyes open, eyes closed, watch, listen:

Eyes open: Two aging music dorks reliving their lost youths on some kids' mostly ignored instruments.

Eyes closed: A steel serpent crushing a man's skull in its tightening coils.

Eyes open: Little kids running through the room, oblivious to the profound nostalgia being dredged up by the men seated before them.

Eyes closed: A city full of screaming wretches run screaming through the streets while their city is engulfed in dragon fire from the brimstone skies.

Eyes open: A fleeting moment of unadulterated joyfulness.

Eyes closed: A leather bikini-clad woman crushes the windpipe of a squirming demon beneath the heel of her mud-encrusted boot.

Rock and roll, man. Rock and roll.

Wearing white was a bad idea.

How is knife throwing still a job in 2014? And how bad is the job market in Lithuania when a knife thrower this terrible is able to hire an assistant? Being unemployed sucks, but it still beats death by way of a knife through your eye socket. That's what nearly happened to this terrified dude on live TV, during the questionably titled Lithuania's Got Talent. The only talent on display in this act is the assistant's ability to stand in front of his boss without screaming and crapping his pants.

The first couple of throws don't look that bad, because the targets are wisely a safe distance from the assistant's head. Although, it's anyone's guess what the thrower was aiming at, because it soon becomes obvious that the guy has very little control over where the knives wind up. Unless the plan all along was to advance to the next round by scaring the bejesus out of the studio audience. In which, case, nicely done.

After one of the knives slices the assistant's hand, you can see in the poor guy's face that he knows he's made a terrible career choice. The throws are so bad it looks like the purpose of the act is to hit everything but the watermelon placed over his head. But instead of cutting his losses and quitting with a bloody hand, he hangs in there and takes another knife to the side of his head. At that point, the assistant seems to take the horrified reaction from the audience as a cue to call it a day. And hopefully, a career.

But they'll meet again. Right?

Nicholas Sparks, 49, author of popular romance novel The Notebook, has announced he is separating from Cathy, his wife of 25 years. Nine of Sparks's 17 novels have been made into films, and he has said that many of them were inspired by his relationship with his wife.

Clearly, now it's time for life to imitate sappy art.

This is not to belittle the specific and I'm sure very real problems that caused Nicholas and his wife to separate, but could it be they just need a little kick in the romance pants? Twenty-five years is a very long time! Perhaps an angry mother-in-law would do the trick? A secret journal? An unexpected pregnancy? I'm just spitballing.

Kiss her in the rain, stupid!

But seriously, this is a bummer. If the real life relationship that inspired Sparks's starry-eyed books can't last, what hope is there for those of us whose husbands haven't written a single romance novel based on our life together?

That should cover you for the week, Mom & Dad.(Via)

We complain about the parents posting their pics of their kids all the time, but one day those same parents will serve an important role. When those kids grow up and stop being adorable, we need their parents to smack them down when they start smearing their bratty, self-obsessed crap all over our feeds. Here are some moms and dads who are making Facebook a better, and more entertaining place for the rest of us.

Any kid using words like "seshing" unironically is in need of some strict parenting.(Via)

A good parent builds confidence by constantly insulting a child's genitals.(Via)

Sophie's mum has a heavy finger sitting on Sophie's "unfriend" button.(Via)

Peace out to you too, mom. Peace out to you too.(Via)

Updated 8/5/14:

Please mother, think of more. We're all behind you on this. (Via)

But Moooom, you know Thursday's the day I drink real cheap! (Via)

Mom's not giving out any "Participation" trophies. It's kill or be unloved. (Via)

And sometimes it's the kids' friends who end up getting owned.(Via)

Where schools fail, Dad succeeds...in public humiliation. (Via)

Updated 11/6/14:

This is like the opposite of a Wanted poster. (Via)

How has Dad not gone from "in a relationship" to "single" all these years? (Via)

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Not that clean! (Via)

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The Internet closed the generation gap far too quickly. (Via)

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Jesus was the Carpenter. One of the apostles maybe?(Via)

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Updated 10/1/14:

The best career motivator is to never get torn a new one by your mom again.(Via)

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Being a mom doesn't make you blind to when someone throws you a softball. (Via)

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Dad just can't let the baby fly the nest.(Via)

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She's been getting a vibe off you. She needed to draw the boundaries.(Via)

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Stop acting shocked. Alcohol is responsible for nearly all human life on this planet.(Via)

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Updated 9/4/14:

Don't interrupt your kid. He's clearly high as a kite.(Via)

Don't dare her, Mom. And don't look at her Snapchats, either.(Via)

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There should be a law against parents using words like "fap."(Via)

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You really want him crying all over the power tools? They'll rust! (Via)

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Honesty is a virtue in that household.(Via)

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She just knows that the Internet has eaten into a lot of the profits.(Via)

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Posted 8/5/14:

Change "feeling loved" to "feeling hassled."(User Submission)

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This is one easily frightened thug. (via)

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Nice bedtime story dad. (via)

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Dad has regrets. Well, one regret. (Via)

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The drugs impaired his ability to understand how social networking works. (Via)

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There'd be fewer pimp daddies with more anti-pimp mommies like this one.(Via)

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Mom's got that shit on lock-down.(Via)

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It's called "I Empty The Dishwasher And Cat Box Every Night
Since You Broke Up With Me." Get it right, Dad.(Via)

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Kids today. Always trying to look like they lifted themselves up by their own bootstraps. (Via)

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Sam likes what he likes. Let love flourish! (Via)

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The fame went to his head. (Via)

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And he remembers it fondly, apparently. (Via)

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You are your father's son, even in ways you wish you never knew.(Via)

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Then run your left hand under water because you just got burned.(Via)

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Thanksgiving is hell when a liberal teen is in the house.(Via)

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His Facebook life then?(Via)

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When you and your mom compete over meth consumption, time to leave Facebook.(Via)

What took so long?

The worst thing about seeing this mashup for Jurassic Parks and Recreation, is that many of us are now guaranteed to be disappointed by Jurassic World. Because there's very little chance that Chris Pratt directed by Steven Spielberg in the big-budget franchise will be nearly as entertaining as Chris Pratt as lovable goofball, Andy Dwyer. This clip has all the ingredients of a great movie: dinosaurs, sharks, pratfalls, drinking, and genuine laughs. Hell, there's even a female love interest with substance, which you probably won't be seeing a lot of this summer. Ah, what might have been.

Even if it's too late to tweak Jurassic World, maybe there's still time to add dinosaurs to the final season of Parks and Recreation.

"You like that? Huh? You like that, cat? Oh. You do like that? Do you care at all?"

These pets are a lot like rival high schools. Specifically, these pets are a lot like that very sad but hilarious situation that occurs when one high school thinks there is a rivalry and the other school fails to notice. The Pixels of the world (Pixel is the adorable name of this byte-sized French Bulldog) can sing their fight songs all they want, they can try to "prank" the rival cats by stealing their catnip-mouse-toy mascot, but at the end of the day, the varsity bed-pulling team of ragtag puppies will simply never trounce those fancy, rich cats and their undefeated "not giving a damn" defense. Then, after the game, the cats will go lay on a pile of money (or clothes or Legos--it's the pile aspect that's important) and forget it even happened, because cats are snobs and also because they have no long-term memory.

Just wait, Pixel. One day, you'll be almost as big as that cat, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be just as lazy.