The most controversial commercial during the Super Bowl wasn't Nationwide's dead kid.

T-Mobile aired a very controversial commercial during the Super Bowl featuring Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler getting phone service in different locations.

Handler in her mansion, Silverman in her hydroponic kale garden, Handler in a subterranean petting zoo, Silverman in an (empty) trophy room, Handler figure skating in her basement, and finally, Silverman calling from her underground maternity ward.

Sounds fine right? After Silverman delivers a baby, she hands it to the new mom and says, "Sorry, it's a boy."

And, of course, the Internet went nuts.

The video has over 500 Youtube comments, mostly to the tune of:

That's not to mention the male outrage from the Always #LikeAGirl campaign:

It spawned the hashtag #LikeABoy by "meninists," i.e. the opposite of feminists, which are apparently a thing now, too.

What these "meninists" might not realize is that showing women in empowering situations, like owning mansions and delivering babies, never happens in commercials.

The majority of commercial roles available for women fall into a few categories:

1. Pretty girl in a beer commercial. (In this case, getting a horse fart to the face.)

2. Young mom. (Tide does a good job of showing diverse families, but this is a pretty common type of commercial.)

3. Unattainable love interest. (Megan Fox, duh.)

4. No-nonsense saleswoman. (You know the one: Flo from Progressive or the Orbit gum lady.)

Viewers very rarely see normal women, just being their funny selves, which is why the Chelsea Handler/Sarah Silverman commercial is so great, and so subversive.

For everyone who was planning for the Zombie apocalypse, surprise! It's gonna be mummies!

The stillness is strong in this one. (via Siberian Times)

Big news for the recently discovered 200-year-old monk mummified monk, he's alive! (Definitely not.)

The mummy, which was found in the Songinokhairkhan province of Mongolia and believed to be the teacher of famous Lama Dashi-Dorzho Itigilov, has a few experts that haven't given up on him.

The Dalai Lama's physician and famous buddhist monk, Dr Barry Kerzin, believes the mummy is actually a monk in the meditative state known as tukdam.

"I had the privilege to take care of some meditators who were in a tukdam state." he tells the Siberian Times.

"If the person is able to remain in this state for more than three weeks - which rarely happens - his body gradually shrinks, and in the end all that remains from the person is his hair, nails, and clothes. Usually in this case, people who live next to the monk see a rainbow that glows in the sky for several days. This means that he has found a 'rainbow body'. This is the highest state close to the state of Buddha'.

If the meditator can continue to stay in this meditative state, he can become a Buddha. Reaching such a high spiritual level the meditator will also help others, and all the people around will feel a deep sense of joy."

No one has come forth admitting they saw this monk's rainbow, although they might be dead by now. Shoulda meditated, bro.

Ganhugiyn Purevbata, the founder and professor of the Mongolian Institute of Buddhist Art at Ulaanbaatar Buddhist University, also talked to the told the Times.

"Lama is sitting in the lotus position vajra, the left hand is opened, and the right hand symbolizes of the preaching Sutra." he said. "This is a sign that the Lama is not dead, but is in a very deep meditation according to the ancient tradition of Buddhist lamas."

You can do that? You can just say "if I do this I'm not really dead"??? I want to make people think I'm not dead when I'm dead.

Listen up: if it appears that I have choked to death on a piece of chicken, I have not. I'm just radiating my deep devotion for General Tso.

1. Rand Paul Wants You To Know That He Too Is Stupid About Vaccination Stuff

In an obvious effort to pull attention away from his likely 2016 primary rival Gov. Chris Christie, Sen. Rand Paul told CNBC that he too thinks that uninformed parents should get to choose whether or not to risk the lives of thousands of people by not getting their children vaccinated. "I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines," the certified doctor who totally knows better than that said.

If either Rand Paul or Chris Christie are elected President, Jenny McCarthy has a good shot at becoming Surgeon General.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) February 3, 2015

2. Bruce Jenner To Finally Talk About That Thing We've All Been Assuming For A Long Time Now

Bruce Jenner—the former Olympic athlete and reality television star whom we all kind of assumed has been in the process of gender re-assignment procedures for some time now—will sit down with ABC News' Diane Sawyerto discuss how he has been in the process of gender re-assignment procedures for some time now.

Bruce Jenner is finally transitioning into someone slightly interesting.

— Disalmanac (@Disalmanac) February 3, 2015

3. After 55 Years, To Kill A Mockingbird Author Finally Gets Around To Publishing Follow-Up

Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee announced that she will be publishing the long-awaited sequel to her groundbreaking novel To Kill a Mockingbird later this year. And thus, lazy, deadline-averse writers everywhere have been given a new champion.

Kudos to Harper Lee for nixing her publisher's request to have Scout Finch battle a dystopian government in the To Kill A Mockingbird sequel

— Gladstone (@WGladstone) February 3, 2015

4. Fifty Shades Of Grey Spurs Purchase Of Millions Of Sex Toys That Will Be Used Once

With the cinematic release of the film adaptation of E.L. James bestselling bondage novel impending, retail stores have seen a spike in the purchase of Fifty Shades of Grey-brandedsex toys. "It is the biggest moment for our industry in popular culture pretty much ever," a co-founder of adult novelty retailer Babeland told the New York Times. Finally, the industry can reach the type of consumer seeking to buy a butt plug with Jamie Dornan's face on it.

Why spend $40 on a Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy when you could bludgeon yourself in the head with a rusty gardening spade?

— The Night Stalker (@kolchak) February 3, 2015

5. Portland Strippers Seeking To Work In Slightly Less Skeevy Working Conditions

The erotic dancers of Portland, Oregon are tired of putting up with the disgusting conditions of the strip clubs in which they're forced to work, so a number of them are pushing local politicians "to get these workplaces up to a minimum safety standard," according to dancer and movement leader Elle Stanger. "You have entertainers that could injure themselves from broken glass on the stage, poor wiring with the sound system," she told the AP. The lawmakers shouldn't be too difficult to convince. They probably spend enough time in those establishments themselves.

People who think they're above being friends with strippers must have really boring Facebook feeds.

— Semiotic Stochastic (@mitdasein) January 31, 2015

It's easy to go vegan when it's for a short time... and your net worth is $450,000,000.

You don't get to look like this by constantly eating pepperoni bread.
(via Instagram)

After making sure that everyone knew she and Jay went vegan for a whopping 22-ish days (the number of days it takes to form a new habit) in 2013, Queen Bey is launching a new vegan food service with her personal trainer. In the press release, Beyonce claimed that going vegan is easy, noting that, "If I can do it, anyone can."

Is there an FDA test for whether or not something is actually "made with love"?
(via 22 Days Nutrition)

Yes, anyone can go vegan, and adding more plant-based foods to your diet is a great idea. But the argument "if I can do it, anyone can" from a woman with a veritable city of assistants, trainers, and personal chefs and more money than a small country... well, that's ridiculous.

By that logic, here are some other things that you can do if Beyonce can:

• If Beyonce can overcome her fear of heights by swinging on a trapeze over alligators in Fiji, you can overcome your fear of heights by swinging on a trapeze over alligators in Fiji. (It's so empowering!)
• If Beyonce can find the fortitude to swim in a large pile of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck, you can find the fortitude to swim in a large pile of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.
• If Beyonce can take physical risks because she doesn't have to worry about being plunged into crushing lifelong medical debt because of an accident, you can... wait, no, you definitely can't.

While you don't have to be rich to try Bey's delivery plan, the meals do cost between $9.24 and $14.85 per day each (or maybe more — there's one meal plan where meals are listed as being "as low as $14.85"). Or, y'know, you could do a little planning and eat vegan for just $4 a day. If you do that, you can take the money you've saved, convert it into coins, and put it in a room to start your very own Scrooge McDuck money pile.

Long Beach is the spot where he serves McCain.

I never realized how political Snoop was.

Williams has already done a bunch of songs on the Tonight Show, including Snoop's "Gin and Juice," and yet, dare I say this one was the best?

There's just something magical about watching Peter Pan's dad bounce back from his daughter's tushy-lingus by spitting verses like "went solo on that ass." Really makes me believe Tinker Bell can be saved.

Warning: this is what can happen if you visit your mom while being a ghost.

Holy moly! In case you aren't a professional psychologist, the reaction you are observing is fear. Did she think he came back from the dead? Did she think he came back to kill her? Who responds to their own child like that?

This is why your mom nags you to call more often.

Why do bad things happen to good sports fans?

Tensions were extremely high. The Patriots were leading the Seahawks 28 to 24. With 20 seconds left on the clock, Seattle QB Russell Wilson threw a potentially game-winning pass into the end zone, but it was not caught by a Seahawk. It was picked off by New England cornerback Malcolm Butler.

Here is a compilation of the many ways the world reacted:

As a Philly sports fan who knows a thing or two about watching the Patriots steal away a city's hopes and dreams, this was both difficult and exhilarating to watch. The "Yes! Yeeesss!!!" parts make me want to punch a wall, but the "Oh God, no!" parts are pretty much the only way that I can find joy in this world.

Give me all of your misery, Seahawks fans, so that that I may feed upon it.

Sea cow. Sea cow swim. Sea cow swim all up in the spring like whatup, I got a big flock.

Can you spot the manatees among the boulders? Hint: there are no boulders.
(screengrab via WTSP)

The Three Sisters Springs in Florida are a popular tourist destination for people who want to swim in crystal-clear waters with the most relaxed beasts in the sea, manatees. There are usually a few dozen manatees hanging out there, as manatees do, but this winter's unusually cold weather has driven huge herds of the blimpish creatures inland to soak up the warm, shallow spring waters. This came to a (slow, fat) crescendo on Monday as an astonishing 300+ manatees swarmed into the springs between noon and 1:30pm, forcing the Springs to kick swimmers out of the crowded water.

The total manatee population of the Three Sisters Springs reached its highest peak last Sunday with at least 528, but had dropped to a mere 21 by last Wednesday. Yesterday's herd is unusual in the number of manatees moving all at once.

Yeah, that's a manatee kissing someone's snorkel mask...what of it?
(via Stuart Rankin)

Park officials decided to kick humans out of the water, because even though manatees are extremely peaceful, they weigh hundreds of pounds and there's currently a lot of them stacked on top of one another. Agitation would be fun for no one, and a human kicking around might make the herd think one of their members was being attacked and that would stress the chilly manatees out.

See also: Friendly manatee keeps dog company as he struggles to be rescued from a river.

Don't stress the manatees out. Manatees are awesome. These gentle, human-friendly, cabbage-eating sea blobs are pretty much what would happen if God turned a nap into an animal and cross-bred it with a hug. They're only endangered because they're too chill to get out of the way of things like boat propellers and mean people. Be more like the manatee, people.

Is Ryan Reynolds' new baby a fable with fantastical powers? Maybe!

Could pregnant Blake feel her baby kicking and chanting "to-day I bake, to-morrow brew"? Maybe! (via Getty Images)

Although Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively have not revealed the name of their newborn child, Reynolds did tell USA Today that despite rumors, his baby's name is not Violet. This pattern of only revealing a name when it is correctly guessed might point to the true identity of Blake and Ryan's poppet — the infamous magical troll-man Rumpelstiltskin.

Neither Reynolds or Lively have confirmed that their infant child is a small man that preys on desperate women in their time of need, but they haven't denied it either. The good news is that if Reynolds' baby is indeed named Rumpelstiltskin and somebody guesses it, Reynolds is bound by mystical forces to reveal the truth.

Teens will give their right hand to quit their Internet addiction.

Gotta un-hand it to him.

19-year old Chinese teenager, identified only as "Little Wang," made local news on the Jiangsu TV channel in China because he reportedly cut off his own left hand in an attempt to cure himself of his Internet addiction.

It's hard to imagine how that would solve an Internet addiction. One would think it would just be easier to give your computer away. Or maybe just start with a couple of fingers. I can't help but wonder, is "Internet addiction" code for "masturbation?"

To avoid being interrupted hacking his hand off at home, Lil' Wang left a note for his parents on his bed that, according to the Telegraph, read:

"Mum, I have gone to hospital for a while. Don't worry. I will definitely come back this evening."

You know, supposing the doctors at the hospital sew up this gaping wrist-hole quickly. Of course, the par

Then he snuck out of his house with a kitchen knife, made his way to a public bench, and hacked off his left hand.

As the Telegraph reports it, "the teenager severed his left hand at the wrist. He called a taxi to take him to a nearby A&E and left the hand lying on the ground."

What kind of tip do you leave for a ride like that? Definitely a big one, but the driver's gotta get it out of the pocket himself, I suppose.

Once Wang made it to the hospital, adult prudence took hold and police were sent to recover the hand. It was reattached, although doctors do not guarantee full mobility.

'We cannot accept what has happened. It was completely out of the blue. He was a smart boy," the Telegraph says his mother told reporters.

Internet addiction is a growing problem in China, where a reported 14% of children under 18 do little else beyond sleep and inhabit virtual worlds.

The local news station ran images of the bloody bench where the supposed hand-hacking took place, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was an urban legend planted by their government to scare kids from spending too much time on the Internet, similar to those stories of American teenagers jumping from roofs because they took acid.

Has anyone tested Little Wang for acid?

Fwd: Fwd: Pay it fwd.

Middle of the night commute.

The Internet gets a whole lot of things wrong. Very, very wrong. But for every fifty soul-crushing stories about revenge porn or insane movements to silence women who would like to see gender equality better expressed in video games, there's usually one or two that make you almost feel like maybe there's hope for this future world in which we live. This is one of those stories.

Over the weekend, the Detroit Free Press ran a front page story about 56-year-old city resident James Robertson, who walks 21 miles back and forth to work every day. He starts his perambulatory commute at 8 a.m. so that he can arrive at work by 2 in the afternoon. At 10 p.m., he clocks out and starts walking home, usually getting back at around 4 in the morning. He then gets four hours sleep and starts all over again.

He's been doing this for ten years.

After the story went to print, a 19-year-old Wayne State University named Evan Leedy was moved enough by the story that he created a GoFundMe page titled "Help James Robertson Get a Car." He was shooting for $5,000 so that Robertson could maybe get a halfway decent junker to carry him back and forth everyday.

As of the time of publication, the page has raised $232,757.

Thanks to the generosity of 8,701 (and counting) web-surfing strangers, James Robertson can now buy the gold-plated, hotdog-shaped rocket car of his dreams. Or, he can buy a sensible new car and put the rest of that money in a savings account for his retirement. Whichever.

Robertson got a chance to thank Leedy in person yesterday, when they met at a bar.

"I'm always going to be in your debt. I will never forget this," a very grateful Robertson told Leedy. "They say Los Angeles is the city of angels. That's wrong. Detroit is the real city of angels."

I wonder what Robertson will do with all the free time he'll have now. Maybe he should buy a computer. I hear a lot of good things about this Internet contraption.

"Where'd you get this guy?"

This footage of Robin Williams is from the early 1980's when YouTube poster Daniel Pastel claims he was working at a production company that was editing a segment for director Howard Storm. The segment was intended to be used as a promotional reel for Storm's work as a commercial director and, ironically, he could not control a very frenetic and improvisational Robin Williams.

You can hear Storm's desperate attempt to get Williams to deliver one clean take of the single line requested of him. "Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Storm is now directing commercials..." is the farthest we get before Williams' imagination runs wild.

"If he can work with me, he can work with anyone. Take a chance on a nice short Jewish man," Williams says in the clip.

"I'm proud to say it, Howard, because I love you that much."

The case of (ಠ‿ಠ) vs (ಠ_ಠ), presided over by Judge (ಠ╭╮ಠ).

I think we can all agree that justice was served here in the case of smirky-smirk vs the stone-faced maybe-stalker. As usual, Judge Frowny-Face was stern but fair in her judgment. I don't really see any other way this could have panned out.

I don't see why Judge Judy doesn't just start doing all her episodes in silence after watching this amazing video (remix? de-mix?) from Bill Smith on YouTube. I mean, everyone watching at home is pretty much unemployed and depressed anyway, so why not have the show match the blank, unimpressed expressions of the viewers?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯...just sayin'.

EXCELLENT! RADICAL! ABOMINABLE! AHHHHH! (warning: light gore)

Maybe "only 90s kids" will remember the commercials these are based on, along with how mind-blowing liquid metal CGI (which will always remind me of Alex Mack) was at the time, but kids of all ages can be horrified by this ad for Liquid Slam juice drink from RocketJump studios. There is a "censored" version that is 5 seconds shorter and lacks the kid's face melting...but I just had some Dunkaroos, so I'm feeling pretty extreme.

Let's over-analyze this.

From 1989's The Abyss until the new millennium, this is what "awesome CGI" meant.

Sure, all the clichés are there—rapid zooming in and out, kids who are bursting with sugar-fueled excitement over the crappiest of snacks, and athletes tossing out corny lines—but the logic and physics of people turning to liquid all the time was one that really bothered me as a child.

I mean, it's one thing if you're talking about the T-1000, which was never an organic being in the first place, but Alex Mack and the protagonists of way too many commercials spent their time in a disassembled liquid state. (Not to mention the poor souls whose heads exploded after consuming Gushers.)

You immediately run into the same issues that plague the concept of teleportation when it comes to re-organizing those particles on the other end (see: The Fly with Jeff Goldblum). Even if you were to solve the recombination issue that plagues the kids/monster in this ad, can you really say that those kids survived being turned to liquid in the first place? Even if all their molecules were put back together, didn't they die when they were liquified? Did Alex Mack die and get reborn several times an episode on Nickelodeon?

Most importantly, why am I giving this much thought to the physics of 90s TV?

Hate when people beat around the bush. Say what you feel!(Via)

Adults are basically just children who've grown fat, watched their dreams die, and learned to shrink from confrontation. So it follows that the modern workplace is just as petty and territorial as your typical elementary school playground, except there's a lot less spitting and hair-pulling, and a lot more bitchy note-writing. The most successful workplace notes strive to entertain just as much as they impolitely advise and chastise, and the notes collected here are some of the best of the medium.

A malfunctioning copy machine to gives you lots of time to compose beautiful verse.(Via)

Maybe Lil' Bub can offer some microwave cleaning suggestions as well.(Via)

Is that a hint?(Via)

But I need to be in the one place where I can be alone.(Via)

This employee is a hell of a problem solver, at least when it comes to getting snacks.(Via)

Updated 1/8/15:

Screw all of you. I'm the cake boss.(via)

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Probably a short term problem. Seeing as you'll be fired and all.(via)

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If not the kitchen, then where?(via)

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"A" for effort, "F" for F you, too.(via)

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So... buttons are still cool?(via)

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Pretty funny, boss. But where's the part about the money?(via)

.

Updated 1.07.15

As if he had to mention he was Canadian.(via)

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In the event of an earthquake, the bathroom isn't a bad place to be.(via)

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When quitting, a good rule of thumb is a 2,000 calorie notice.(via)

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Or as "healthy" as Cup Noodles get.(via)

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Lukas might want to update his resume 4 days ago.(via)

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At least a beating would be quicker and more exciting.(via)

(updated 12.08.14)

Got a problem with it? Talk to Annette.(via)

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Eat the cupcake, your kid will never know. (via)

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How about Cocktor Pepper? (via)

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Someone's on the Candy Crush Diet.(via)

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As if the French Bread Pizza Bandit would ever bother to read that.(via)

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That kind of sounds like your problem, Tony.(via)

Funny one, 90s kid.(via)

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Notes are a great way to spot a place with great job security.(via)

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The part about it being a high tech company wasn't even necessary.(via)

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Even if it were, I wouldn't take it from that sink. (via)

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A tribute to DeFrost Kelley.(via)

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I bet some of that medication is missing.(via)

(updated 9.08.14)

Clearly the work of a career food thief.(via)

Can never be sure when you work at Disney.(via)

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The time on the microwave speaks volumes.(via)

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Thanks, but I've already got a paper strips guy.(via)

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The law offices of Passive, Aggressive and Annoying.(via)

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"So it is written, so it shall be flushed."(via)

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"That's so funny, because I lick your pens too!" (via)

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Recurring dreams go in the blue bin.(via)

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Nice thought, especially considering the source.(via)

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You'd think at this point it would be up for grabs.(via)

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Thanks, but that doesn't really solve the problem.(via)

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It's not what you think - a guy named "Jack" took a half-day.
To masturbate.(via)

Updated 8.11.14

Episode VIII: The Cubicle Menace.(via)

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Caution: Faint while using the urinal and you'll never hear the end of it.(via)

Gas station spelling error. It's supposed to say "Pimp 6."(via)

For Rachel's sake, I hope she's leaving.(via)

Asking for trouble in a mostly female office.(via)

"Wide awake... staring at this blank screen." (via)

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Who do I see about getting a glass of milk?(via)

That is one low bar for "nice things."(via)

Keep it up and the printer will outlast you.(via)

"Thanks for reminding me.. to let it gooooo!"(via)

Don't encourage them!(via)

Never forget 5.05.14(via)

Updated 6.10.14

"I'd actually prefer to speak with your commanding officer." (via)

So you're saying it's organic? (via)

Someone's making this way too complicated. (via)

Time to strat over. (via)

Saying goodbye with cat litter box cake.(via)

"Oh my God! I'm spilling my coffee everywhere!"(via)

Thanks! How about an aisle traffic report? (via)

And productivity is down.(via)

This must not be the first time the pot was left empty.(via)

"Yes! I can do this!"(via)

This is the storyboard for Taken 9: Office Hijinks.(via)

Two weeks later I bet it's still sitting there. (via)

Updated 4/16/14

"You mean the one with the reindeers and all the fingerprints?" (via)

Also good for sending passive aggressive messages to grimy coworkers.(via)

Whether it's toilet seats or soup, no one likes a cold bowl.(via)

As an optimist, I'm guessing cupcake.(via)

One is obviously for the personal use of the genius who wrote the note. (via)

Ew! He didn't even lift up the seat!(via)

Coffee burn!(via)

Lee should report Steve's "XO" to HR.(via)

As an optimist, I see the sink as half-empty.(via)

It's "demasiado," dum-mas. (via)

Every picture tells a story. This one looks disgusting. (via)

I guess "please flush" wasn't doing the trick.(via)

Updated 2/10/14:

Please make sure your kitchen notes adhere to AP style, thx. (Via)

Easier than trying to figure out what that little icon on the tray is supposed to mean.(Via)

Fine, we'll pass the time by touching each other.(Via)

Betting those messy dishes are less unsightly than a wall full of memes.(Via)

Of course she did. Even expired Rolos are still better than non-expired everything else. (Via)

Well, Luke, thanks for all the hours you've logged. (Via)

Updated 11/19/13:

All is forgiven, Lee. Easy on the sprinkles next time. This isn't kindergarten. (Via)

Printers don't have mothers. They burst forth from hell and land directly on Best Buy shelves.(Via)

They need to stop hiring out-of-work wizards onto the cleaning staff.(Via)

Darcy might have an eating disorder. Or he needs a raise. (Via)

Bet they have to put up a new sign come January.(Via)

I'd never complain about meetings running long if they were run by Bussiness Cat. (Via)

Update 10/16/13:

Still doesn't look secure. He should have put the filing cabinet on top of it for weight.

Guess some people like to make signs at the urinal instead of conversation.

A pen so awesome it will make you racist against yourself.

A delicious treat and it makes you regular? Sign us up!

Don't fall for the sign. They eat donuts really awkwardly too.

I like this office. They don't mess around.

Updated 9/19/13:

...and coffee is the only thing that puts us back together.

She went out of her way to make such a nice sign. She porbably appreciates the notes.

Probably a restaurant. Anyone with a special "pasta fridge" in their office has no right to be angry.

No, honey, I haven't been kissing anyone. I've just been stealing food.

Did she spell "highness" wrong? Or "You're"?

Worst. Day care center. Ever.

Updated 8/20/13:

I'd brew me. I'd brew me so hard.

Offices shouldn't be telling us how to love!

Open casket. It woud have wanted it that way.

The signs are breeding.

Say yes indeed to weed.

They really need to clean that vending room if it's got a groundhog problem.

Updated 7/24/13:

Alert. Pointless Signs!

If you'd taught the kitten to attack, the Tupperware thief would have been dead already.

Hopefully our time machines will be more reliable than our copy machines.

We all have our signature style.

The TL;DR version of the above.

Speak for yourself. My nickels give me balance.

Updated 6/27/13:

Physician, heal thyself.

You've got to really love stealing office equipment if you're taking the drains.

We'd risk our job for half an oreo.

Side-note: Keurig coffeee is always horrible. We'd quit if they started making us use those K-cups.

So medium-sized poos are cool?

If you know the author of this sign, withold your love from them. They are undeserving of love.

Updated 5/31/13:

Thanks for the choices! We'll take option B.

This is why we don't let our utensils date.

Follow the old ladies. They know where the comfier chairs are.

Or just burst in. It's adorable watching them scurry under their desks.

But we took the red pill! You have no choice when you work in an office.

Updated 4/11/13:

You mean besides cut-up chickens, pigs, cows, and probably horses if this is Europe?

"Pardon me, I was just wondering where I could get one of those signs!"

Some people give a shit; others take them without warning during the work day.

Office communications are so much clearer when there's clearly no HR.

Sounds like a cheesy cheddar challenge! ...aaaand there's a fire.

That chair wanted to hold the ass of a big start-up entrepeneur, but she got an IT guy.

Updated 3/11/13:

This is why we microchipped all our pens. Too many sickos out there.

Memes: The best passive-aggressive retort there is.

Maybe we should all just switch to "Ur" for everything and stop embarrassing ourselves.

I'm sorry. Your husband didn't put a lid on his reheated pasta. Now you have to pay.

He might have fun. He might also discover who he was meant to be.

This note is also works great when you put it on the office door of your least favorite coworker.

Updated 1/28/13:

When will Serge and Wendall stop this bickering and realize they're in love...with pee?

Please try to achieve the level of joylessness that's expected of you.

The plate kidnapped itself, Lebowski. It owed crumbs all over town.

We were going to drop some M-80s down its drain, but the sledgehammer sounds fun too.

If our workplace instituted this rule we'd strike.

The zombie thing is cute, but does the original sign mean you could really lose your job for eating someone's hot pocket?

Updated 12/10/12:

That stuff really works, btw. We can steal Karen's yogurt whenever we want now!

It's worth the $18/hour. Sandra is an absolutely scintillating conversationalist. You'll weep.

That drain sucks!

They still don't know who shot that room.

Matt doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself right now.

These facility repairs will be seen as cheesy at first, but will attain a cult status when they hit video.

Fran will devote the rest of her days to making you shit too much.

Updated 10/10/12:

"Did you see Homeland last night? It made me reflect on Plato's Cave and ideal forms."

The prophet Isiah said one day a female Messiah shall deliver women from Aunt Flo.

Dietary harassment is a growing problem in the modern, fat workforce.

That mug is the reason local news now shows Ceramic Alerts.

Something tells us that guy likes to push everyone's buttons a lot.

After all, if you don't throw out the box, no one else can put in food to steal.

That lack of self-control also applies to resisting the urge to write passive-agressive notes.

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Thank you, sir.

Frozen was released on November 27th, 2013. Can we just think about that for a second? This little girl might have only begun to walk and talk* when it hit theaters. In a way, she's never known anything else. And she's DONE. She has had it. She is saying, "Let it go, dad!"

Dads.

*I have no idea when kids start walking and talking. Between 1 year and 7 years?

This well-intentioned dad has the most patient, game daughter in the world.

God apparently gave Izzy the patience of a saint. (via Facebook)

Colorado-based dad Greg Wickherst is the father of almost-three-year-old Izzy. Wickherst is divorced and has primary custody of Izzy, and he didn't want to be that clueless dad who can't do a ponytail.

(via Facebook)

So he turned to the instructors in the cosmetology department at IntelliTec College, where he works as an admissions representative, for help.

He tells HuffPo: "In no time, I was able to do a simple braid, then a fishbone braid, and a French braid. I learned how to do a ponytail, then flip it through itself either under or over. I call that an inverted ponytail."

(via Facebook)

Pretty cute. And also pretty amazing that your two-year-old is willing to sit still while you pull and brush and tug on her hair. Izzy is very supportive of her dad's hobby.

(via Facebook)

Greg's cute photos of his hair creations have gotten him a reputation on Facebook, where he shares them for other parents to see.

Greg not only has hair wisdom to share. He also told HuffPo his advice for other single dads is simply to enjoy it: "The good and the not-so-good. Even the blowout diapers, the tantrums in the store, and the late night, up sick, catching-throw-up-in-your-bare-hands nights. Because it doesn't last forever."