To get a copyright you have to send your naked photos to the government that the government probably already acquired through NSA programs.

Reporter talks to the woman in question over the phone since we may already have seen enough. (screengrab via CNN)

There's an episode of Orphan Black where the clones find out their genome has been legally copyrighted. This story brings us closer to that frightening dystopia, but also offers hope to those who are victims of "revenge porn."

"Hilary" (a pseudonym) revealed to CNN that her former long-distance lover had posted naked photos of her online against her wishes. To fight back, she found a clever solution: copyright the photos.

If you're the sole owner of the photos in question, no one can use them without permission. At the very least, all the photos Hilary owns would have to be taken down. At most, one day she could decide to charge for them since she owns the exclusive rights (unlikely, but it's what I would do).

In order to get the images off the Internet, ironically, Hilary had to send them to the second-most untrustworthy people besides exes: the government. She said you have to make a "mandatory deposit" of the photos so that the government knows exactly what's being copyrighted. Once they're yours you can start sending out the cease and desist letters.

The one loophole I've thought of is that copyright can't cover "parody" so I will be spending the rest of the day looking for my ex's naked pictures and drawing a mustache on her face before posting them online.

Watch the whole story on CNN Money:

This Dad received a letter from his kids' school about unexcused absences and his response was perfect.

Please come to the Principal's office. (via Facebook/Michael Rossi)

Michael Rossi received the letter pictured above from the Principal of Abington School District in Pennsylvania after a family trip to Boston. Below is the full text of the letter:

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Rossi,
I understand your family recently took a family vacation. I want you to be aware that the Abington School District does not recognize family trips as an excused absence, regardless of the activities involved in the trip. The school district is not in the position of overseeing family vacations or evaluating the educational nature of a family trip. The dates that your children were absent were recorded as unexcused. An accumulation of unexcused absences can result in a referral to our attendance officer and a subsequent notice of a violation of the compulsory school attendance law."

Who else feels like they just got in trouble with the Principal? The infamous unexcused absences of public school are no empty threat (where my public school kids at? You know what I'm talking about).

Rossi realized the gravity of the situation and responded accordingly. Not only did his kids learn about American history, they also experienced the Boston Marathon, an incredible display of strength and togetherness after a national tragedy. The real kicker is that the days his kids were gone from school took place during standardized testing, which are arguably a total waste of time.

Here is Rossi's excellent response letter:

Dear Madam Principal,

While I appreciate your concern for our children's education, I can promise you they learned as much in the five days we were in Boston as they would in an entire year in school.

Our children had a once-in-a-lifetime experience, one that can't be duplicated in a classroom or read in a book.

In the 3 days of school they missed (which consisted of standardized testing that they could take any time) they learned about dedication, commitment, love, perseverance, overcoming adversity, civic pride, patriotism, American history culinary arts and physical education.

They watched their father overcome, injury, bad weather, the death of a loved one and many other obstacles to achieve an important personal goal.

They also experienced first-hand the love and support of thousands of others cheering on people with a common goal.

At the marathon, they watched blind runners, runners with prosthetic limbs and debilitating diseases and people running to raise money for great causes run in the most prestigious and historic marathon in the world.

They also paid tribute to the victims of a senseless act of terrorism and learned that no matter what evil may occur, terrorists can not deter the American spirit.

These are things they won't ever truly learn in the classroom.

In addition our children walked the Freedom Trail, visited the site of the Boston Tea Party, the Boston Massacre and the graves of several signers of the Declaration of Independence.

These are things they WILL learn in school a year or more from now. So in actuality our children are ahead of the game.

They also visited an aquarium, sampled great cuisine and spent many hours of physical activity walking and swimming.

We appreciate the efforts of the wonderful teachers and staff and cherish the education they are receiving at Rydal Elementary School. We truly love our school.

But I wouldn't hesitate to pull them out of school again for an experience like the one they had this past week.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Michael Rossi
Father

Yes. Perfect. One thousand gold stars. Even if Abington School District marks the children's absences as unexcused, this trip was well worth it.

A French Muslim teenager's long skirt was seen as a violation of the law against religious clothing in school.

Like this but less green.(stock photo)

Schools these days are going to crap. Girls walking around in long, shapeless skirts, flaunting their religious beliefs for everyone to see… When I was in high school, the girls would come in every day wearing plunging necklines and miniskirts, and I was thankful. I didn't know what religion they were, and I didn't care. That was a simpler time.

In recent years, the subject of school dress codes has become increasingly heated in France. That's because in 2004, the country passed a strict secularity law banning students from wearing any conspicuous religious symbols or garments to schools. That includes veils, burqas, yarmulkes, large crosses, Jedi robes… all of it. Discreet religious symbols are allowed, but that's up to the discretion of the school. This law has of course been controversial, but now a particular incident has many French people up in arms.

Recently, a 15-year-old Muslim girl in Charleville-Mézières, identified only as Sarah, was thrown out of class twice, because her long skirt was seen as too conspicuous. In both cases, she took off her veil before entering the school, but couldn't exactly have taken off her skirt and gone in bottomless. That probably would have been an issue too. Patrice Dutot, a local education official, told AFP: "The girl was not excluded, she was asked to come back with a neutral outfit and it seems her father did not want the student to come back to school."

Charleville-Mézières, France (insert accordion music)(Getty)

Sarah herself told local newspaper L'Ardennais that her skirt was "nothing special, it's very simple, there's nothing conspicuous. There is no religious sign whatsoever." Maybe a little too simple, eh Sarah? If you want to pass for a law-abiding, secular teen, you better bedazzle that thing before you walk into school.

Now, people in France and around the world are coming together to show support for Sarah and other students put in a similar situation. They're tweeting with the hashtag #JePorteMaJupeCommeJeVeux, which roughly translates to "I wear my skirt how I want." Some of the tweets are pretty harsh, too, which is impressive considering how long the hashtag is. There's barely any room left for outrage in 140 characters.

Oh to be a girl - skirt too short, she's a slut, skirt too long, she's a threat to secularism #JePorteMaJupeCommeJeVeux
— Francesca Michel (@FBoschet) April 29, 2015

Liberty and equality for everyone of you. Except you because your skirt is too long. #JePorteMaJupeCommeJeVeux
— yasmin (@yasmina0812) April 29, 2015

Professional clothing expectations in France #JePorteMaJupeCommeJeVeuxpic.twitter.com/CbQFMLd9n4
— Raz (@raztweets) April 29, 2015

A statement from the regional education office suggested that wearing the skirt was not an isolated incident, but actually a case of "provocation:"

"When it comes to concerted protest actions by students, which follow other more visible incidents linked for instance to wearing the veil, the secular framework for education must be firmly reminded and guaranteed."

I don't know if that sounds less like a convoluted brushoff in the original French, but I doubt it. And if this really was a provocation, it would mark another first: a long Muslim skirt being described as provocative.

Ms. Graham on her son's reaction to seeing her: "He knew he was in trouble. He said, 'When I seen you,' he said, 'Ma, my instinct was to run.'"

Yesterday, we reported on one of the few indisputable heroes of the turbulence in Baltimore, MD over the past few days: Toya Graham, the mother who grabbed her 16-year-old son by his hoodie, smacked him upside the head, and yanked him away from a group of young troublemakers throwing rocks at the police. Ms. Graham does what she can to keep her son on the right path in Baltimore, not always an easy task.

"There's some days that I'll shield him in the house just so he won't go outside and I know that I can't do that for the rest of my life," Graham told CBS News. "I'm a no-tolerant mother. Everybody that knows me, know I don't play that."

#repost #prayforbaltimore
A video posted by Keezy (@yaasss_keez) on Apr 27, 2015 at 12:38pm PDT

The press she received has already led to a Toya Graham for Mayor page on Facebook, and although that's unlikely to materialize, I've heard of people getting elected for worse reasons than knocking sense into kids.

We don't normally condone corporal punishment, but a teen boy needs a smack on the head occasionally—that occasion being when he decides to impress his friends by accelerating a decline in law and order throughout the city by inciting crowds and police alike.

A video posted by Karla H. (@ine3) on Apr 27, 2015 at 2:07pm PDT

Ms. Graham hopes the message and her smacks got through to her son, "And by him seeing everything what's going on I just hope, I'm not sure, but I hope that he understands the seriousness of what was going on last night."

Ms. Graham's parenting skills also impressed the Baltimore police commissioner Anthony Batts, who said "I wish I had more parents who took charge of their kids tonight" in a conference where he said most of the violence in the city came from teenagers.

Employers were asked which fonts were the best and which were the worst for you to use on a résumé. Here are the results.

If you don't have five years of experience in your field, you might as well use Wingdings. (image via Thinkstock)

If you're using Times New Roman, you're doing it wrong.

According to a report from Bloomberg News, using Times New Roman on a résumé is "the equivalent of wearing sweatpants to a job interview." I've been using it this whole time! And double-spacing after each period. I also write "I work hard, I play hard" at the beginning of each cover letter. That might be keeping me from my dream job also.

The font universally agreed upon as the "right one" has been staring you in the face wherever you go. It's Helvetica! Here's the font in action on my personal résumé:

Thins Mints and Tagalongs only, please.

Other acceptable fonts are Proxima Nova (similar to Helvetica but softer) and Garamond. Zapfino should only be used on wedding invites:

Maybe I used this font because I'm too classy to work here!

Courier is only to be used if you actually type on a typewriter. If you don't own one, don't try to make it look like you do unless you're going to go all the way and keep checking a pocket watch during your interview and saying things like "I don't get along with computers." They might think you're just the kind of eccentric thinker the company is looking for. Or they might think you're already retired.

Employers have clearly given a lot of thought to what fonts say about a potential hire.

Check out the full list of dos and don'ts here.

Still no word on why people in the font making business won't change the name of "Hobo STD."

1. Zero Baltimore Baseball Fans Will Have To Watch The Orioles Lose Tonight

Today, the Baltimore Orioles are playing the Chicago White Sox in a completely empty stadium, after the decision was made by ball club officials that the game would be "closed to the public" in light of recent protests and riots throughout the city. "It's unprecedented. We've had low attendance figures in history, but never have fans been kept away intentionally, and never was the attendance at a baseball game zero," Official Baseball Historian John Thorn explained in an interview with Mashable.

Follow our reporter @ColinDaileda, who has a great view of this empty #Baltimore Orioles baseball game right now. https://t.co/mlZDFHFPsk

— Mashable (@mashable) April 29, 2015

The Orioles will play a closed game tomorrow, and then move their series vs. the Rays to Tampa Bay, which will also be in front of no fans.

— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) April 28, 2015

2. Unmanned, Out-Of-Control Russian Spacecraft Screeching Out Of Sky Right Toward You

An unmanned Russian spacecraft, en route to the International Space Station, has malfunctioned and gone out of control. It is currently orbiting the Earth, but should be plunging down, right onto your home, within a week. Here's the obligatory dashcam footage:

People are freaking bc a Russian spacecraft's falling to Earth. First time we've cared bout something Russian dropping since Tatu's first CD

— Gladstone (@WGladstone) April 29, 2015

3. Hulu Wins Right To Air Two-Decade-Old Sitcom We've All Seen Countless Times For Only About $180 Million

Hulu has struck a deal with Sony Pictures TV for exclusive rights to stream the iconic sitcom Seinfeldto a population that has seen every one of the 180 episodes at least seven times. The terms of the deal are not clear, but it appears that Hulu is paying somewhere between $700,000 and $1 million per episode. Finally, those Seinfeld folks are gonna see a little return on their investment.

Now with every Seinfeld episode streaming exclusively on Hulu, we'll only be able to watch it on EVERY TV channel at ANY point of ANY day.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) April 29, 2015

4. Bernie Sanders To Announce Well-Meaning But Hopeless Presidential Campaign

Bernie Sanders will be announcing his plan to run against Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination on a platform built around his plan to rebuild the middle class and take power away from corporations. In other words, he has no intention of actually winning.

Guys, Bernie Sanders is the Left's Mike Huckabee. As in "Sure, it would be great, but come on..."

— John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) April 29, 2015

5. Danica Patrick And GoDaddy Breaking Up After Lovely Nine-Year Relationship

Race car driver Danica Patrick is losing her primary sponsor next year, after the Internet domain registrar and web hosting company GoDaddy announced plans to cut ties with NASCAR. In a tweet, Patrick said, "Everything evolves and changes in life, I'm excited for what's to come!" If she likes, I'd be happy to put her in touch with company that hosts my personal website. If somebody knows her, please tell her to get in touch.

Is it wrong that I have to keep reminding myself Danica Patrick did not play Winnie Cooper?

— Anjeanette Carter (@anjeanettec) February 17, 2013

John Helinski was on the street for three years before a cop and a case worker helped him get his life back.

He used to sleep on a cardboard box next to a bus stop. Now, John Helinski of Tampa, FL has his own place and enough money to live comfortably. And he owes it all to the kindness of strangers.

It all started when Helinski applied for temporary housing at Florida's Community Housing Solutions Center. Unfortunately, they required ID, and all of his identification had been stolen while he was living on the street. But Charles Inman, a case manager with community health provider DACCO, wouldn't let Helinski just be turned away. He told ABC News:

"He needed to have an identification, but we couldn't get an identification without a birth certificate. There was no other option to succeed. You know, the thought of putting a 62-year-old man back on the street wasn't acceptable."

Inman was joined in his mission by Tampa Police Officer Dan McDonald. Together, they got Helinski a driver's license and a Social Security card. It wasn't easy – Helinski was born in Poland but is an American citizen – but they managed. And what they discovered next shocked them all.

Helinski had assumed his Social Security had been cancelled, but it turns out it never stopped. The payments had been piling up in a bank account he had long forgotten even existed. His account at Landmark Bank had become an account at Bank of America, but it was still in his name, and it contained enough money for him to buy permanent housing. All three men were shocked, Helinski most of all. "I guess I'm exhilarated, excited, you know,” he said.

Officer McDonald had this to add: "He has the money now to move into his own home. He deserves it. He's a very good, sweet and genuine man." Don't you love a happy ending?

There are some people who say women aren't funny.

Of course there are also some people who say Scientology seems like a solid religious experience they're eager to join, but you know better (at least if you have HBO). And because women are funny, there are lots of “funniest women on Twitter" lists. Problem is, they're usually just one person pointing out friends and favorites.

Which got us thinking – what if we crowdsourced things with funny ladies and let THEM decide?

Our methodology was pretty simple:

• We asked a few dozen popular funny female tweeters (“popular" in this instance meaning “more than 15,000 followers" because we had to draw an arbitrary line somewhere) to tell us who their favorite funny female tweeters are.
• We asked everyone to include at least one account with fewer than 5,000 followers.
• No one knew who else was voting.
• No one was allowed to vote for themselves.
• No one was allowed to vote for either of us. (Some tried anyway; they get ponies for Christmas.)

This was the fairest way we could think of to ensure honesty and diversity. In the end, 124 ladies received votes (which surprised even us). Then, in a nod to the Seneca Falls Convention of 1848, we pulled the top 48 vote-getters, wrote short descriptions and chose reasonably recent tweets of theirs we loved.

The final list is in random order and NOT ranked (this is about celebrating women, not pitting them against each other, yo).

Doing all this was a herculean labor of love, but it was so worth it. Please click the "follow" button liberally as you read. We promise you won't be disappointed.

Love,
@goldengateblond and @behindyourback

@audipenny
We're going to go ahead and christen Audrey the Queen of Awkward Moments. Her wonderfully socially confused tweets will make you cringe, relate and laugh all at once. She's imperfectly perfect -- and we love her.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015

@ElizaBayne
Eliza's jokes are often featured in major publications and that makes sense because this lady has nailed the art of skewering pop culture. If only we could turn on an Eliza Bayne commentary track while watching reality shows. (Maybe then we'd actually enjoy them.)

A rhinestone license plate frame is a great way to let people know that the inside of your car smells like McDonalds
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 20, 2014

@tarashoe
Reading one of Tara's tweets is a little like trying to catch a wild bunny you see sitting in the grass -- it seems soft and calm at first, but when you chase it, it inevitably jumps a totally different way than you expected. (Shut up, this metaphor is perfect.)

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 10, 2014

@LizHackett
Pretty sure Liz is often rolling her eyes, but she's so sweet that if you caught her doing it, she'd just probably blush and smile. Imagine the big sister everyone wants who gives thoughtful advice while slyly making you laugh. That's Liz.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 29, 2014

@AmberTozer
Maybe it's her calmly conversational tone, or the breezy way she always seems to be your best friend. Or maybe it's that YouTube video of her dancing to Justin Bieber outside a hot dog stand in LA. Regardless, Amber deserves all the love she gets -- and then some.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 17, 2014

@Molly_Kats
What if all your neuroses came to life and started making snarky jokes? What if they very publicly hated their upstairs neighbor but never met a dog they didn't adore? Welcome to Molly's snidely entertaining world.

Please stop walking so fast, I'm trying to pet your dog.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 30, 2015

@Manda_like_wine
Amanda is the professor you had that dropped references you didn't always get and still made you feel smart regardless. Her tweets are just like her: beautifully elegant, wry, twinkly and satirical.

The patriarchy's fatal mistake was installing windows over the kitchen sink so we could see what was outside.
— Manda Likewine (@Manda_like_wine) January 13, 2015

@mrsjongoodman
Is it too much to say that every tweet of Sara's is like a perfectly articulated, hilarious thought barrage from the heavens? No, of course it's not too much because too much is gauche and we are never gauche and Sara is simply wonderful.

a barometer app that sends the person u made plans with the decreasing amount of desire u have to follow through with it
— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) October 10, 2014

@KarenKilgariff
Karen has an enviable resume that includes stints as the head writer for both The Ellen DeGeneres Show and The Pete Holmes Show, and on-screen work as a sketch actress. No wonder, then, that her tweets are acerbic, wildly intelligent -- and beloved by our voters.

So Brian Williams is ruined yet every week Dr. Oz has a new "Eat pencil shavings to lose weight!" and we're all "Shhh the doctor's talking."
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 12, 2015

@BoobsRadley
Though Julieanne Smolinski writes for television, reading her tweets is a little like becoming part of a funny rom-com movie -- as long as the lead is cynical and cool and someone you'd actually want to be friends with.

Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 24, 2014

@PeachCoffin
Paige's Twitter feed is smart, punny and full of pop culture references. We love her "in the theatre" emoji movie recreations, sudden bouts of absurdity and, most of all, her strong pro-women voice. She's our hero.

"I have a name, asshole." -Jessie's girl
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 11, 2014

@SCbchbum
While you're busy observing the beautiful waves in her background pic or the gorgeous waves in her hair, Erica's busy observing everything that's happening around her and perfectly summarizing what she sees in her beautifully sharp, hilarious tweets.

Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 23, 2015

@MindyFurano
Mindy's that witty, self-deprecating pal you know you'll eventually see on SNL. Her tweets are great, but maybe even better are her incredible Vines (we can't stop laughing at the first date vids).

A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 17, 2014

@solikebasically
Helena Bottom-Farter's one of the strongest, funniest stand-up and Twitter comedians out there. If you don't already adore her, check out her fuck-yeah body-positive Tumblr post in celebration of her (non-pregnant) adorable weight gain.

Oh, you spelled out barbecue as a full word? CARE 4 A CABERNET SAUVIGNON 2 WASH DOWN YR BULLSHIT, DR FRASIER CRANE FROM THE TV SHOW FRASIER?
— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) May 29, 2014

@NicCageMatch
Okay, look, Jessie's Twitter handle is "Nic Cage Match" so already you know that she's one of the best people in the world. She also seems to be effortlessly hilarious and genuine and, let's just say it, a damned delight.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014

@googleymoogley
Googleymoogley is in her own silly, wonderful world, and reading her tweets is like getting to hang out with your slightly nutty, super funny friend -- but without having to spend money on drinks at the bar.

I put "Dr." before my signature on anything I ever sign and I've never been questioned about it
— Hot Dog Wiener (@googleymoogley) February 13, 2015

@craydrienne
Adrienne is a busy, very funny stand-up and a proud, self-avowed pothead. We're not sure if the latter feeds the former or the other way around -- we just know it all works together magnificently.

Hey empty nest parents, if you want your kid to call you just change your Netflix password.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 26, 2014

@aardvarsk
Even though Moby called her "flawless," Ariana is still a Twitter secret. A glorious, sharp, crazy-clever Twitter secret. But our voters are blabbermouths, so now you know.

You've tried Tinder—Grindr—now try Sartr—The *New* HookUp App For Existentialists bc Dating.. is Other People ! there's No Exit—FROM LOVE !!
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) November 19, 2014

@rachelaxler
Do you like The Daily Show, New Girl or, you know, any good comedy on TV the past several years? If so, you already like Rachel's writing. Her tweets might even be better because there are no commercials.

80% of success is showing up. unless you're trying to hide, in which case 100% of success is camouflage.
— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) February 5, 2015

@karentozzi
Karen has a slew of puppet friends, most notably a fruit bat named Francis who's so popular he has his own Twitter account. She revels in the offbeat and slightly insane, and it's glorious. Honestly, we should all join her there.

[raises hand puppet over your cubicle wall] "Pssssst. Your wife is cheating on you." [lowers hand puppet]
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) February 13, 2015

@Smethanie
If your Facebook feed is filled with the annoying kind of mom-friends, Stephanie is the antidote. She'll remind you that you can be a mom and smart and cool -- and funny about ALL of it.

I wish there were a Scared Straight for cats and my cat could go to a shelter and hear how good she has it from cats who've seen some shit.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) March 22, 2015

@vornietom
She's sharp, feminist and clever, and you have to imagine hearing all of her tweets with her British accent because British accents are the best -- and so is Siobhan (even if we can't always quite pronounce her name).

HEALTHY WRITING PROCESS: -I love it! -hmmm -I hate it -this will ruin me and my bloodline for generations -burn down the world -it's fine
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 12, 2014

@GloriaFallon123
Gloria's the type who'd go home with you for the holidays and quietly mumble the most hilarious observations about everything around her, thus saving you from drinking two bottles of wine by yourself again. (Oh, and her tweets are great.)

Sometimes I'll take a nap to fast-forward a couple of hours I'm too bored to live through
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) January 26, 2015

@janinebrito
Janine first made a name for herself in the San Francisco area comedy scene, becoming a beloved stand-up, writer and (sometime) TV correspondent in the process. Her tweets are rooted in reality, brilliantly worded and always razor-sharp.

Life's like an episode of Chopped except your basket of ingredients is credit card bills, your insecurities, and a dream.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) January 26, 2015

@AnnaKendrick47
This is probably the most plagiarized tweet on our list -- partly because it's a perfect gem, and partly because its author is the cute, funny and very famous Anna Kendrick. Her Twitter account is just -- go ahead, say it with us -- pitch perfect. (SORRY NOT SORRY.)

Yes of course I got your text - I'm just ignoring it. Don't make it weird.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 27, 2015

@hopiecan
Pretty sure Hope was so popular among our voters because of her almost Seinfeldian powers of observation. Another reason? This is her bio: behind everyman is an author who wanted a relatable character. (Here's where we drop the mic and walk off stage.)

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included "doorbells" on her list of favorite things
— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) July 3, 2014

@KendraGarden
Your favorite curly-haired, vodka-drinking, puppy-loving, 80s pop-culture-referencing Star Wars fan. Not only does she have a super fun Twitter account, Kendra also writes regularly for sites like Cosmo, xoJane and HuffPo, so you never have to go too long without her.

When I was a kid someone told me to make myself comfortable and I'm still trying.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 16, 2015

@aparnapkin
Aparna Nancherla is a stand-up comedian and improv performer who also happens to write wonderfully hilarious tweets, with more than the occasionally perfect pun and an exceptional ability to walk a zig-zagging line between dead-on observation and over-the-top absurdity.

"Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 25, 2014

@tobyherman27
Toby writes for a popular daytime chat show, has a doting Jewish mother and an encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture. Tweet something with an obscure song lyric you think no one else will recognize and Toby's the girl who'll know the next line.

What idiot named them prostitutes and not buysexuals
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) July 17, 2014

@Stellacopter
Denise is adorable and foul-mouthed all at once, with a hilariously vivid imagination that will have you wondering exactly what sacrifices you have to make to the gods for her to be your bestie. Our only complaint? We wish she'd tweet more often.

I just want a guy that will hold my hair back while I light things on fire.
— denise (@Stellacopter) February 10, 2015

@DancesWithTamis
Tamara has a wicked wit that fluctuates between clever observations and what your mom might call "potty humor." Call it whatever you want. It's all marvelous.

A good way to get your annoying coworker to shut the fuck up is say to them "am I on acid? Because you seem to be a talking piece of shit"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 31, 2015

@IamEnidColeslaw
Mary Charlene is a little bit like if Tina from Bob's Burgers were a grown-up cat lady with a funny, slightly crazy Twitter account. Except even better.

do people who run know that we're not food anymore
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 20, 2014

@katefeetie
Katie's a cute 20-something with the intelligence of a scholar and the wit of a grizzled stand-up, both of which make her the perfect foil for mansplainers and anyone else who dares underestimate her.

Ladies: start taking up 3 seats with our legs on public transport, too. When confronted just say "sorry bro, gotta air out my fetus factory"— one katie please (@katefeetie) September 30, 2014

@meganamram
Megan is a TV writer, author of the very popular book Science... for Her and on pretty much every "funniest Twitter feed" list around, so it's no surprise our voters put her on our list, too.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015

@OhNoSheTwitnt
Mix equal parts cubical dwellers, liberal politics, Frozen and Game of Thrones. Garnish with an episode of SVU and some serious ginger pride. If you aren't laughing yet, don't worry -- you will be.

Imagine "are you ready for some football?" sung to the tune of "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" Yes I'm trying to ruin this for everyone.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 7, 2014

@shariv67
A writer, stand-up and consistently funny Twitter voice, Shari is a comedy machine. In fact, she might be a robot. We haven't verified, but we're not worried. Worst-case scenario, she'll kill you with laughter.

God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 24, 2014

@sbellelauren
Go to Lauren's page. Go now, read for maybe 30 seconds. Got it? NOW SPEND THE NEXT WEEK TRYING TO GET HER TWEETS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. You can't do it. She's too relatable and too funny. Kinda like the comedy version of your favorite song.

if you didn't audibly fart while climbing into a window breaking back into your own home congrats you are having a better day than me
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) March 30, 2015

@kingrainhead
If a mystical creature wanted to just wander the earth and live among us and then for some reason thought, "oh, hey, think I'll join Twitter," it would probably be this lady. She's possibly a million years old and made of pieces of clouds -- but she uses all her magic to keep us amused.

me: i dont want any kids person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind. me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 4, 2014

@msdanifernandez
Dani's perfectly-lit profile pic depicts her beautiful face and gorgeous heavy lashes and ... her finger up her nose. And wow, does it piss off the misogynist trolls (and wow, do we love her for it). Comedy is true beauty and this girl is full of it.

Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) March 29, 2015

@randilawson
You know that girl you hated in high school because she was impossibly chic and stylish? Okay, now make her clever and hilarious and incredibly cool, too -- and as it turns out, she's actually the girl you'd love to have as your best friend.

Opinions are like birthdays. Everybody has one & I only know yours because of Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 7, 2014

@aliciahawkes
Alicia's that smart, cynical chick sitting next to you in the back of class making smart-ass remarks while you choke down your laughter. Except the "class" is just "life," and you wish there were one of her in every seat.

Ooooooooh, look at you in your shirt with no food stain on it. Did you major in superiority at Europe University?
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) December 15, 2014

@BBW_BFF
In addition to writing legit laugh-out-loud tweets, Priscilla has a unique niche: She finds bizarre photos and artwork and tweets them along with the absolute perfect caption. It's almost enough to make you feel cultured.

my favorite part of a relationship is the very beginning when you're like, "there is no way this is definitely gonna ruin my life!!"
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) October 25, 2014

@djrotaryrachel
The biggest problem with Rachel is that she doesn't tweet nearly enough, but every time she does, you're struck with how impossibly awesome this woman is. (Little-known fact: You actually get 18% hipper with each tweet of hers you read.)

What are the odds that right now, John Mayer is barefoot at a piano earnestly putting his spin on "Let It Be" for a rapt 20 year old?
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) December 12, 2014

@1followernodad
Sophia's tweets are kind of like watching a really great sitcom about a funny 20-something living in the city with a bunch of roommates and trying to figure out life while being far more snidely clever than anyone in their 20s has any right to be.

Fuck marry kill is actually my three year plan.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 20, 2015

@bethstelling
Beth's a stand-up who's made such a name for herself that Patton Oswalt once listed her as one of his favorite up-and-coming comics. Our voters loved her too, so keep an eye on her -- when she's a household name someday, you can coolly say, "Oh, Beth? I've known about her forever."

This sports bra makes my boob look so good.
— Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) January 13, 2015

@jennypentland
Jenny's called herself "Twitter's mom," and she is -- assuming you think moms are young, cute, self-deprecating and funny. You'll want her to adopt you, or at least invite you to hang out on her farm with her actual family and their goats (seriously).

"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!" "Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) October 16, 2014

@mdob11
Picture a dentist you want to visit because she's lovely, hilarious and has an extremely hot Australian accent. Her tweets are full of all the things you'd like to say -- but way funnier than you probably ever thought to say them. Just don't forget to floss.

[at the cat shelter] Yes hello I'd like to start a tab, please
— moody monday (@mdob11) December 23, 2014

@ariscott
Ari's that super ladylike woman you'd think keeps lavender-scented sachets in her sock drawer and who'd never sully her mind with snark. Then you see her Twitter feed, realize you've been dreadfully wrong and are ohhhhhh so grateful.

I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 22, 2014

This Amy Schumer sketch features a doll that shows young girls what life will really be like when they grow up.

Comes complete with a flask and anti-depressants! (via YouTube)

She falls asleep in her clothes! She takes depression medication! She's summoned to appear in court! It's a shame this doll is merely a prop created for an Inside Amy Schumer sketch, because it needs to exist in real life. Never before has a doll more accurately depicted the ugly truths of everyday life as a single woman.

The Amy Schumer doll teaches the hard lessons in life. Unlike dolls who unrealistically wake up flawless in mansions, Amy wakes up in a stranger's bed. This serves to educate young girls about avoiding pregnancy by taking Plan B, and treating a UTI with cranberry juice.

The doll also shows girls what a real woman's wardrobe consist of; clothing that either hides problem areas or hangs in the closet as sad reminder of your goal weight.

Here is the full sketch.

Besides being a genius idea, both child actors have great comic timing. I hope they took home a few valuable life lessons while filming the segment.

I never liked Barbies or American Girl dolls, but I feel like my younger self would be down with the Amy Schumer doll. Perhaps my affinity stems from the fact that this fake doll mirrors my own life with such alarming accuracy. Or maybe it's because I know it won't record my actions and bring about the dawn of our machine overlords.

Pretentious-o-meter lets you see which of your favorite movies make you sound like a pretentious idiot.

Who's in this 4% who think 'Furious 7' isn't for everyone? Monsters.
(screengrab from Pretentious-O-Meter)

After years of not knowing how you sound when you claim Lost in Translation is the best "representation of a certain zeitgeist," or that Iron Man 3 is objectively a better film than anything put on celluloid by French New Wave directors, Pretentious-o-meter is here to tell you which movies are movies and which are considered "films."

You can search any movie and find out what percentage of people consider that motion picture made for the "mass-market" and what percentage consider it "pretentious."

It's the perfect argument-settler the next time your friend tries to tell you that Knife in the Water is just as thrilling as any of the new Marvel movies. Most importantly, it can finally end the arguments about how artsy The Dark Knight is (it's 33% on the Mass-Market side).

(screengrab from Pretentious-O-Meter)

Here are a few that I've always wondered about:

(screengrab from Pretentious-O-Meter)

(screengrab from Pretentious-O-Meter)

(screengrab from Pretentious-O-Meter)

Security cameras show two Florida women stealing $1,500 worth of perfume and cologne.

The most brazen of criminals are the ones who go out of their way to taunt law enforcement: the Zodiac Killer, Jack the Ripper, Son of Sam… but none of them ever wore a t-shirt that said "I'm a Serial Killer." So they're wimps compared to this lady.

This security camera footage comes from an Ulta Beauty Supply store in Citrus Part, Florida. Security cameras show two women who are suspected of shoplifting $1,500 worth of perfume and cologne from the store, including designer brands like Chanel, Polo, and Yves Saint Laurent. What's more interesting, however, is one suspect's fashion choice.

Pure contempt for the law.(via WPTV News)

She's wearing a Nike t-shirt that says "WON'T BE CAUGHT." There's no way of knowing whether it was deliberate or not, or if the women even knew the cameras were watching, but I like to think so. These were well-prepared, methodical shoplifters. One of them had a bag hidden in her purse that was used for smuggling out the goods. And only a pro would be fearless enough to wear that shirt. Her cohort was wearing a shirt with a pineapple on it, which is also pretty irreverent.

The t-shirt has only strengthened the resolve of law enforcement to apprehend the women. Detective Larry McKinnon told Fox 13:

"Anytime that we are challenged, I think it gives us a little more incentive to work harder… We'd like to prove with the community's help that she is not untouchable, that she will be caught, and she will be placed where she deserves to be and that's behind bars."

I don't know where that woman is know, but I feel like she might have a message for Detective McKinnon: "Catch me if you can."

Every corner of this great nation has contributed something to the world of fizzy sugar water. Here's each state's soft drink legacy.

Not pictured: Why people in some states say "soda" wile others say "pop."
(Via Thrillist)

Thrillist compiled this map and list of the most iconic soft drinks in all 50 states. Every state has its definitive one, be it because it was invented there, bottled there, or consumed the most there.

Some notable entries:

Maine: Weird-tasting Moxie soda is produced in nearby Massachusetts, but Maine consumes the most of it. Moxie is even the official state soft drink of Maine.

New Mexico: The Santa Fe-invented Blue Sky hippie soda is perfect for sipping while buying turquoise jewelry at a crafters market in Taos.

Michigan: Faygo, the native dirt-cheap soda favored by fans of native band Insane Clown Posse.

Nebraska: Kool-Aid, which is a powdered drink mix, not a soda like most of the others on the list. Because of this and its weird system of allocating Electoral College votes, Nebraska is just so contrarian.

See also: Here's a map of the biggest secret every state is hiding.

Utah: Caffeine-free Sprite, owing to the large population of caffeine-eschewing Mormons.

Alaska: You know when you order a Coke, and the server asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" Alaska says, "Absolutely!" Pepsi wasn't invented in Alaska, but there is a pretty big Pepsi bottling plant there.

Arkansas: Grapette was once an exclusively Arkansas thing, but now it's sold only at Sam's Club, the warehouse chain operated by Arkansas-headquartered Wal-Mart.

Nevada: Red Bull. Party fuel, bro.

Yelling "Give me back my son!" as aggressively at Mel Gibson in Ransom is really difficult.

Ransom is possibly the greatest movie ever made (if you're judging movies not on artistic merit but on how many improv exercises the movie generated).

Zach Woods, star of HBO's Silicon Valley, asked Conan and Andy to give the game a whirl. It's equally terrifying and funny.

Here's the video where I first encountered this game. Zach Woods himself is in it along with Ellie Kemper, Chris Gethard, and other stars of the NYC improv world. Still funny:

1.

This dog's asleep. Wait, I mean "This dog's a-sheep." (via Reddit)

Dogs are magical. Not because of the special connections they have with humans or the fact that evolved from that mythical, magical trickster, the wolf — dogs are magical because they can sleep goddamn anywhere. If I could sleep like dogs sleep, I'd never be tired. And if I could sleep like dogs sleep, there would probably also be a lot of pictures on the Internet of me sleeping, because sleeping dogs are ridiculous. Just look at these photos.

2.

After your hound is planted, expect puppies to sprout in six to eight weeks.
(via Dump a Day)

3.

I'm actually not sure if this dog is asleep or just having a vulnerable bonding moment with the table leg. (via What the Frikkadel)

4.

Because really, isn't every water dish just a very small pool? OH SHIT does that mean that every pool is just a large water bowl?! (via Reddit)

5.

Hey, I'm just gonna see if my Kong went under the cou...zzzzz. (via Reddit)

6.

All 2016 Hondas will have puppy sleep handles as a standard feature. (via WeHeartIt)

7.

Sorry, your patio furniture is now a dog bed. (via iwillstaystrongiwillstaystrong on Tumblr)

8.

No, seriously. Your patio furniture is a dog bed. (via Reddit)

9.

"I didn't fall asleep in the food bowl! You fell asleep in the food bowl!" (via Reddit)

10.

Somebody doesn't understand the concept of a pillow. (via Reddit)

11.

And that was the day he discovered his dog had a shoe fetish. (via Reddit)

12.

Although he loved music, it was Spot's greatest secret that he was actually tone deaf.
(via Pinterest)

13.

Bitsy built her own version of Temple Grandin's hug machine. (via Reddit)

14.

He didn't even rinse himself off in the sink before getting in the dishwasher.
(via I Heart Dogs)

15.

Shifting into sleep mode. (via Rescue Dog News)

In a weird way, it's refreshing to see violence in Jerusalem that has nothing to do with history, politics, or religion. Just crazy.

Man, when you want a cigarette, you really want a cigarette. And when someone doesn't give you one, well, who can blame you for lighting their gas tank on fire while it's still attached to the pump? Everyone. Everyone can blame you, crazy Jerusalem woman. Everyone.

Fortunately, this man's quick thinking in pulling the hose out of his car and the gas station attendants' rapid response with fire extinguishers prevented this from turning into a Michael Bay scene. Police apprehended a woman they suspected of being the nutjob in this footage shortly afterwards, according to The Marker newspaper in Jerusalem.

No word on whether she ever got a smoke.

Men were asked to describe then draw their "ideal vagina" and the results were surprisingly all over the map.

First, we covered women drawing the "ideal penis" for Elite Daily. Now, after years of silence, it's finally time for men to have a public voice in what they like sexually thanks to LOLPervs.

Unfortunately, the perfect vagina isn't something men often think about. Or, at least, they don't know how to articulate what makes one better than another. They're more interested in "ever-present butt cheeks" (whatever that means) and the shape of the person surrounding the vagina. Apparently, for men, it's not what's on the inside that counts.

The important lesson here is that men are never very good at saying (or drawing) what they want. You just have to tell (or show) them and they'll be into it.

If you don't see something that looks like your genitals in any of these drawings, just blame their poor artistic skills. You're perfect.