1. Ecstasy Might Be Prescribed For Autistic People—Autism Statistics Expected To Skyrocket

A team of researchers is preparing to study the use of MDMA (the main ingredient in the drug commonly known as Ecstasy) for treating the social anxiety often associated with autism. I'll be interested in phase two of this study, where they pack 500 test cases into a black room with just a bunch of glow sticks for light and tell them to not freak out.

DR: The patient has OD'd on ecstasy. We must counteract the effects of the drug [cut to me on the phone] ME: U want me to hang out with who?

— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) May 11, 2015

2. You're Getting Closer To Losing Your Excuse For Not Eating Lab-Grown Meat

A laboratory-created hamburger patty, which used to cost approximately $325K to produce, now only costs about $12. Luckily for you, researchers estimate that artificial meat burgers are still two or three decades away from being a viable commercial option, so you won't have to make good on all your promises to yourself for a while yet.

The fact that @WholeFoods doesn't have a fake meat product called Phony Baloney is proof that mankind hasn't reached its full potential.

— joeldovev (@joeldovev) June 11, 2014

3. Cannes Film Festival Says You Cannesn't Take Selfies

Cannes Film Festival officials are trying their best to keep attendees from taking part in the "ridiculous and grotesque" practice of photographing themselves on the red carpet. Festival director Thierry Fremaux justified the ban on selfies—which has not been particularly effective thus far—by explaining that, "You never look as ugly as you do in a selfie."

The important thing to remember when taking selfies is that Thelma and Louise did it before you and better than you ever will.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 21, 2015

4. Archeologists Dig Up Some Great Tips For Cooking Human Flesh

A group of archeologists exhuming a Mesoamerican site near Mexico City have gained some insight into how cannibal tribes prepared the flesh of their human victims, and some of it sounds pretty tasty. By studying ancients bones, researchers were able to determine that often the cannibal chefs would grill the meat, causing "the meat juices [to] concentrate around the bone and diffuse into it slightly." Other times, they would boil it with chillies and other colorful ingredients, resulting in slightly more yellow bones.

Is it true that kosher cannibals don't eat hamstrings?

— Mike Phirman (@phirm) May 24, 2015

5. Confusing Sci-Fi Movie About Something Or Other Didn't Make As Many Millions Of Dollars As People Hoped

Brad Bird's new sci-fi fantasy film Tomorrowland—the story of a young woman who finds a pin and then something happens with a city maybe and apparently George Clooney factors in somehow—drastically underperformed at the box office over Memorial Day weekend, taking in a mere $40 million, when it was expected to make something closer to $40 bajiliion.

No one's getting any work done. We're all talking about Tomorrowland.

— Gabe Delahaye (@gabedelahaye) May 26, 2015

She should have seen this coming. (via Jezebel)

You should know by now to always wear sunscreen. In case you don't, here are 20 painful reminders.

You missed a spot. (via reddit)

Just tell everyone you had your tramp stamp lasered off. (via reddit)

Just wear pants until fall. (via reddit)

Sun belt. (via reddit)

I'm with someone who's with stupid. (via izismile)

You don't honestly need another reason not to wear Crocs, do you? (via reddit)

You really shouldn't be doing that in public. (via reddit)

This maze is impossible. (via lolwot)

Don't mess with UV rays. (via pinterest)

Just begging to be slapped. (via reddit)

At least his torso looks happy. (via reddit)

Sir, that's physically impossible.

It's a portrait of how he looked before he found out this was on his back.

You should see the upper back they drew on his penis.

His Kryptonite is an open-handed slap on the shoulder.

The Dark Red Knight. (via reddit)

Kool-Aid man has really let himself go.

Thanks for the info, but the fact that you were passed out in a sombrero with vomit on your beach towel kind of gave it away.

Sadly, this would actually look appropriate on our physique.

Liryca Neville Branch, daughter of Cyril Neville of the Neville Brothers, was given a check for her meal that said "N****r 100% Dislike" on it.

That's like how a robot would explain racism.(via Gaynielle Neville)

I don't know when checks and receipts became the go-to documents for hate speech, but I don't like it. Their purpose isn't to spread hate; it's to be instantly forgotten, crumpled and lost in an overstuffed file cabinet until they become a fire hazard. These days, it seems like every scrap of paper handed out by a business is its own tiny white supremacist manifesto. Don't believe me? Check out Exhibit A, Exhibit B, or just search "receipt" on our site.

Today's example is depressingly familiar, but with enough weird elements that it becomes bizarre again. Liryca Neville Branch was eating at Huck Finn's Cafe in the French Quarter of her native New Orleans when she noticed a strange line item on her receipt. In between the food items she had ordered were the words "N****R 100% Dislike." What is it with Huck Finn and the N-word?

Liryca Neville Branch in less angry times.(via Facebook)

The insult was written next to a $16 credit for a catfish platter that Branch sent back, apparently starting the feud with the waiter in the first place. The waiter, Dakota Crochet, edited the description of the platter to contain the racial slur. As you can see from the full receipt, that discount was taken off the $60 total. I don't know why he chose to put the insult in the one part of the check she was sure to look at, especially considering his name was also on it, but he did it anyway. Branch was outraged, and immediately went public. She told the NY Daily News:

“This is unacceptable. I couldn't sleep last night. It's 2015. You would think that we wouldn't have to deal with this stuff right now. It just shows that racism is alive and well."

Her mother, Gaynielle Neville, posted the image to Facebook along with the caption, "This receipt was given to my daughter. We need an advocate and a lawyer ASAP." It immediately went viral, possibly spurred on by Branch's famous name, and Huck Finn's was forced to respond. The restaurant fired Crochet and issued this statement on its website:

Today, Huck Finn's Café recognizes that the action taken by an employee Thursday afternoon has caused a great deal of outrage and heartache among many in our community and on social media. We acknowledge that the anger and disappointment being expressed is legitimate and has serious merit. We want everyone to know that we agree. The employee's behavior was offensive and completely unacceptable.

Ownership stands by the decision of the restaurant's general manager to immediately and unilaterally fire the employee for his deplorable behavior. It was the right decision and his termination is consistent with company policy. Moreover, Huck Finn's Café is committed to reviewing all of our systems to further prevent anything of this nature from ever happening again.

Finally, we sincerely hope that the ignorant action of one employee is not considered a reflection of the entire staff at Huck Finn's Café. His behavior and language simply do not fit our belief system. All of our customers should be treated with love, dignity and respect, and we will not tolerate anything less. We humbly apologize to our customers and our community for this deeply regrettable incident. We share your heartache and outrage and would welcome an opportunity to deliver a personal apology to the individuals involved in the incident.

Considering that Branch and her mother are still leading a boycott of Huck Finn's, and the fact that the employee is the son of the restaurant's general manager, this drama seems far from finished. Branch told The Daily News, "Trust me — this is not over. I refuse to let this die out."

The Neville Brothers are a soul and funk group, formed in New Orleans in 1977. They're beloved in their hometown, often referred to as "the first family of New Orleans." To end on a more positive note, here they are performing their hit "Yellow Moon":

Let's hope this isn't viral marketing for "Terminator Genisys" (in theaters July 1st!).

"How do you say 'get off my lawn' in binary?"(screenshot via NBC)

A 70-year-old woman recently fired at a police robot during a 22-hour standoff between herself and the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. The Sheriff's Department was investigating a medical emergency when they decided the best way to contact someone born before the transistor was invented was to send a fucking robot to knock on her door.

The septuagenarian was eventually taken into custody peaceably, presumably by a human. Personally, I applaud this woman for standing her ground against the burgeoning threat of SkyNet. Let's not forget, "robots are everywhere and they eat old people's medicine for fuel":

Try looking back on your spelling before posting.(Lamebook)

Happy Scripps Spelling Bee week. If you've never heard of Scripps, let's put them in perspective: they own the URL spellingbee.com. Not spellingbee69.com or welovespellingbees.com. The most basic spelling bee URL that's out there belongs to Scripps. Also, it's all kids. Kids are destroying the rest of us by spelling some of the most complicated and archaic words in the English language. They can also use those words in a sentence. Instead of feeling bad about how much better a 12-year-old is at talking than you, enjoy the terrible spelling and grammar of the people in this post. But if I've made any mistakes, ignore them. Or comment immediately and angrily, either one is fine.

Right to choosse.(Lamebook)

Only the best for Sarah.(Lamebook)

Double-bag it.(Lamebook)

But I'll never reveal the equation.(Lamebook)

Yes! All men named Nate belong in India. Finally, some sensible ideas on immigration.(reddit)

She used to be cute.(Lamebook)

Or incense?(Lamebook)

Scared to ask what her 2st choice was.(Lamebook)

Someone's definitely on the naughty list.(Lamebook)

So thrue.(Lamebook)

The dark side of The Giving Tree.(Lamebook)

Buns. Pastries. Tasty cakes.(Lamebook)

That doesn't seem like something Bob Marley would say.(Lamebook)

The patients are running the asylum.(Lamebook)

Think you can do better? Take the test.

Pizza and weed is always a winning combination, unless you didn't ask for it and you enforce the law.

"Officer, you did say to put 'anything I wanted,' and what I wanted
was some syntho-dope. And olives."

A Tel Aviv pizzeria owner is in legal trouble after dosing a pizza with synthetic cannabinoids and serving it to police officers, as you might expect. Not an easy crime to get away with.

The unnamed pizzaiolo was questioned by police after the officers who partook in the pie became dizzy and began vomiting. The pizza guy had a very rational explanation.

I knew the order was placed by police officers. But the officer who called in the order seemed cool — plus he told me to add whatever toppings I wanted. So instead of oregano, I sprinkled some 'Mr. Nice Guy'."

"Mr. Nice Guy" is the name of a popular synthetic cannabinoid that has been outlawed in Israel, just like regular, garden-variety marijuana.. Not that I have a marijuana garden. I don't even have a garden. Look, who's on trial here?! I'll tell you who: That pizza guy.

For being so "cool" and poisoning unsuspecting people with fake weed, the man stands trial and faces an extended punishment. The pizzeria has also been closed, declared a danger to public health.

Lilly Pulitzer, best known for using tacky colors in their clothing, also employs extremely tacky people.

pics of Lilly Pulitzer offices but LP staff forgot to take down fat-shaming cartoons on fridge http://t.co/FnV9ldp4aYpic.twitter.com/o4FcSSrhsa
— Caro (@socarolinesays) May 26, 2015

If you work in an office visited frequently by journalists, best not to leave drawings of people you hate lying around, especially if those drawings feature your potential clients. The staff at Lilly Pulitzer did not know this helpful business tip.

Lilly Pulitzer, that clothing line you might have seen at Target specializing in dresses that look like birthday cakes, apparently hates people who eat cake. A journalist from New York magazine's The Cut did a story on the the fashion designer's headquarters, and tipped the world off to that fact that one designer in particular has a low opinion of larger women.

Two drawings of overweight women were hanging up in the employee's work area. One says "put it down, Carb Face," and the other "just another day of fat, white, and hideous." Ugh. Now, to be fair: I have several self-deprecating cartoons of myself littered around my desk. I doubt, however, anyone at Lilly Pulitzer is making similar self portraits as their clothing line doesn't even sell sizes above a 14 online. They barely know what overweight people look like, so they have to imagine it through sketches.

Nothing to be ashamed of in this picture except for the hideous clothing. (via Getty)

I hope you'll think of these these drawings the next time you're out shopping at Target. Also, when Target isn't employing designers who dislike fat people, they're outright stealing other people's work.

There's a t-shirt that looks like a women's pantsuit for sale on Hillary Clinton's online campaign store. Behold:

The shirt that makes everyone look like a boss.(via HillaryClinton.com)

Finally, a shirt that transitions seamlessly between working hard and playing hard. For $30 you can be the proud owner of a fun, breezy, business casual pantsuit t-shirt, which is much cheaper than buying an actual pantsuit. Regardless of whether or not you support Hillary Clinton's bid for the presidency, I think we can all unite in support of this rad t-shirt.

Don't forget to check out the back:

Perfect summation of this bold fashion choice.(via HillaryClinton.com)

Hillary Clinton is a serious candidate with a sense of humor about her own fashion choices. The mere existence of this shirt is probably helping her win points with t-shirt wearers of America. Maybe just don't get this kid one of these shirts.

Thomas McCormack of Croy, Scotland was shocked when his dog Paddy appeared next to him on his morning train.

Dogs are pretty damn clever. Just when you think you've outsmarted them with some human invention like a fence, they manage to outwit you by repurposing another human invention, like a trampoline. That's what happened to Thomas McCormack.

He left to take his morning train to work one day, leaving his Collie/Labrador mix Paddy safely locked up behind his backyard fence. Little did he know that Paddy had been practicing on his trampoline, and managed to leap to his freedom like a furry little Cirque du Soleil gymnast. From there, the crafty pup followed his master's scent all the way to the train station and onto the train. McCormack had no idea what had happened until Paddy suddenly jumped up on the seat next to him. He had no choice but to bring the dog to work.

It's hard to tell what's the best part of this video: how adorable Paddy is, McCormack's awesome accent, or just the inspirational story of a dog's love and ingenuity. Just kidding, the best part is obviously the trampoline. Those things are fun.

Maybe a zombie threw up?

Someone lost their minds.(screenshot via Facebook)

A woman walking her dog in Gouverner, New York stumbled across nine perfectly preserved brains, free for the taking. The brains were examined by a local veterinarian, who claims they're dog brains:

“In examining the specimen, weighing and measuring … it weighed 70 grams, which is consistent with a dog, beagle-sized brain."

Yeah right, like someone's just going to leave pure-bred beagle brains laying around for the crows to eat.

A local assistant professor thinks they're sheep brains, which makes more sense considering sheep brains are commonly used in dissection demonstrations and pretty easy to come by:

But the dura mater is the best part!(screenshot via Carolina Biological Supply)

The police don't seem too concerned about it, because as far as they can tell the only crime committed was littering.

I think they should give this vet a second look, considering how he went on and on about how perfect they were:

“It had been professionally removed and preserved … it was in very good condition, had not been damaged in any way," according to Monroe. “You have to appreciate when you remove a brain from a skull, which is made of bone, you have to cut the bone all the way around. This had not been damaged, or nicked, or cut in its removal."

Sounds like someone's had practice.

Abandon all hope of decency, ye who enter here, and look with horror upon the trend that is sculpted chest hair.

Cat got your...uh...chest? (via Facebook/Daily Mail)

Chest hair: what is it really? An ever-sprouting inconvenient truth of manhood? Nature's gift to the burly? A small personal blanket? Scientists may never know. But what we do know is that there are some brilliant/dumb/brilliantly dumb men out there who have realized that they can shave their chest hair into shapes. Gaze in wonder/horror upon their creations.

That palm tree has exactly one root. (via Faxo)

This picture is great because the man is obviously enjoying the shaving process so much. (via Imgur)

Batman saw the signal, came over, and shaved the rest of this man's chest for him.
(via The Chive)

Having "USA" shaved into a man's beer belly is all the founding fathers ever wanted.
(via Cheezburger)

He wants you to know where his penis is. (via Reddit)

Michael Stipe? More like Michael Stripe! (via Pinterest)

"Blink" and you'll miss it. I suggest that you keep blinking. (via nNataliiee on Twitter)

Fabio has seen better days. (via Imgur)

"Mustache rides, 5 cents! You get to awkwardly sit on my chest for three minutes."
(via Funny or Mad)

Huh. I have a sudden urge to hate Christmas. I wonder where that came from. (via Pinterest)

What's a pirate's favorite pattern for shaving his chest hair? ARRRRgyle! (via CollegeHumor)

I didn't think there was anything that could make me hate the idea of world peace, but this is definitely it. (via Tori Gay on Twitter)

Volvo also recommends not aiming your car at pedestrians.

This video comes from a blog based in the Dominican Republic, showing a terrifying accident between a self-driving Volvo and a small crowd of people who trust self-driving cars.

A reporter from the multi-platform network Fusion reached out to Volvo to ask how a sophisticated, street-ready self-driving car could plow into innocent bystanders so easily. Volvo spokesperson Johan Larsson responded that the self-driving capabilities are not as robust as we might expect. The standard package will only be active in stop-and-go city driving to help protect against sudden stops and fender-benders. But if you don't want to hit a person in the street, that will cost $3,000 extra. Larsson explains, “[Pedestrian detection functionality] is sold as a separate package."

Larsson also states that the demonstrators seem to be unaware of the limitations of the self-driving features, claiming "The pedestrian detection would likely have been inactivated due to the driver inactivating it by intentionally and actively accelerating. Hence, the auto braking function is overrided by the driver and deactivated."

Thankfully, the Volvo enthusiasts that got clobbered by the robotic kill-car escaped with only some bruising. As for the safety of self-driving cars, it looks like another 100 years of looking both ways before crossing the street.

He's got the whole bird in his hands.

Sometimes, life can be a bit much. Work is a grind. Your boss is getting on you about your performance. Your co-workers seem to be undermining your productivity. Traffic is a mess. Your car is making that weird sound again. And is that a whiff of carbon monoxide you're smelling? Your spouse is mad that you're home so late, and your kids are mad that you're home at all. Nobody cares that you've got a splitting headache. And that goddamned ax you've got stashed away in the closet won't stop screaming your name! "Shut up, Ax!" you yell. "I don't want to do your bidding tonight!"

Sounds like you need a nice, calming video of a itsy-bitsy goldfinch bathing herself in her person's gentle, encompassing hands.

Aaaahhhhhh... Isn't that better? Your heart rate is down. That headache is waning. You're coming back to yourself.

You probably won't even need to use that ax tonight.