Hey, remember this photo of Matthew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom, that made J.K. Rowling say, "Ow, my eyes!"?

Aren't his legs cold?(via Attitude)

.@Mattdavelewis Not as bad as watching Dan in Equus, but close. Warn me next time, for God's sake. https://t.co/r8EUd1GKqT
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 21, 2015

The poor lady has probably just recovered! We've all just recovered. It's very uncomfortable to realize that someone who looks like that used to look like this:

In other words, a child.(via Harry Potter)

Now Matthew Lewis and Attitude Mag are back at it!

Lewis posted this yesterday and we had to take a seat:

A "regram" (is that what they call it?) from the one and only @josephsinclair. That boy got mad skillz with the camera.
A photo posted by Matthew Lewis (@realmattdavelewis) on Jul 22, 2015 at 3:42am PDT

What?! Why!?!

Look, we get it, you're hot. But please, hear this: a lot of us feel like we could be your mom. Or, at least, the aunt who gets tipsy and shows everyone she can belly dance at family functions.

J.K. Rowling let him off with a gentle reprimand last time:

.@Mattdavelewis I will always support you whatever you want to do, Matthew. Now go put some clothes on.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 21, 2015

Can't wait to see what she says about this.

"Today I'm gonna be healthy and order a salad...Wow, salad's expensive, even though it's mostly leaves."

That's a huge salad.(via Women Laughing Alone With Salad)

Minute 1-5:

This is a lot of salad. Did I get enough dressing? I can't eat this unless it is soaked in dressing.

It's hard to stir all my dressing into this big, healthy salad. I mean, there's salad everywhere, like, all over my desk.

They don't give you much bread.

So many things in this salad I need to pick out.(via Thinkstock)

Minute 6-10:

This would be really hard to eat "on-the-go."

Damn, I've barely made a dent in this thing! Maybe I should save some for later? I've already mixed all this dressing in, though...

Okay. The only way out is through.

Double-fisting.(via Thinkstock)

Minute 11-15:

If there's a fire drill, should I take the salad? Not an actual fire, just a drill...

What am I doing with my life? Like, really. I'm in a silent office, headphones on, starring at a screen. Why didn't I try to eat this salad outside somewhere? Why don't people just talk to each other anymore? It used to be rude to look at your phone when you were out to dinner with someone. I'm going to get in touch with an old friend and invite them out to dinner and just turn my phone OFF. And we can split a salad, and still have room for apps and an entree. Shared plates are important. If I just had someone to share this salad with, I could move on with my day. I'D BE FREE TO EAT THE BROWNIE I BOUGHT AS A SPECIAL TREAT FOR LATER BECAUSE I WAS "GOOD" AND GOT A SALAD FOR LUNCH.

I shouldn't have broken up with Brian.

Minute 16-20:

This is my life now. I'm that girl who is always chewing something. My boss probably doesn't respect me.

NO. I am brave and I am a queen and I have a very strong jaw.

Minute 21-25:

Is it anti-feminist to eat a salad?

Minute 25-Infinity Symbol:

I am the salad. The boundaries we use to separate ourselves from others are merely illusions, constructs as inconsequential as shadows. There is no "me." All living energy is mixed as one in the great salad bowl of our cosmic universe. We are all drenched in the dressing of love.

30 minutes later:

I'm hungry.

Because salads aren't filling!!!(via Thinkstock)

The trailer for 'Freeheld' has arrived, and the question on everyone's mind is: will my interest in a love story between Julianne Moore and Ellen Page outweigh my boredom with biopics?

The movie has a lot of potential downfalls. It's based on a true story, and real life is so boring compared to movies. For example, Jurassic Park and Clueless are much more interesting than actual events that happened. Freeheld also focuses on a legal battle, which can be kind of tedious to watch unfold on-screen, no matter how awesome the cause is IRL. And finally, as you can see in that trailer, death looms large. And that's sad!

However, I am so into the casting, the lesbian love story, and the fight for equality for people who aren't in heterosexual marriages. Will this outweigh my aversion to a genre that includes clunkers like Lincoln, which was so boring I didn't even see it? I can't wait to find out.

Mom Tara Carson became national news last week when her toddler got yelled at by a diner proprietress, and she took to the Internet to complain.

Mom's on the left, owner of Marcy's Diner on the right. (via KVUE and iCloud)

Now Tara's telling her side in a newspaper, for crying out loud.

Just to quickly recap, Darla Neugebauer, the owner of Marcy's Diner yelled at a toddler to shut up. The main reason this story keeps raging is that she refuses to apologize. In fact, she seems pretty proud of it:

And "the incident" seems to have touched a nerve in two very opinionated communities: moms and people who hate having their meals ruined by crying children. Honestly, I've always identified with the latter group, but Darla Neugebauer does not seem to be stacking a full set of pancakes, if you know what I mean.

Here is the original post by the mom and the response in the Marcy's diner controversy: pic.twitter.com/wWEPUqbIDs
— TVTEDDY (@TVTEDDY) July 20, 2015

So the fires of Internet comments about who is a child-traumatizing monster and who should be sterilized rage on. Sunrise, sunset.

Except now "The Washington Post" has taken this nonsense so seriously, they gave Tara Carson her own opinion piece:

"She pointed at my baby's face and screamed, 'You need to shut the hell up!'
My husband replied, 'Are you serious? Are you really yelling at a toddler right now?'
'As serious as a heart attack,' she said, with fury in her eyes.
I'll never forget the look of fear on my baby's face.
It was then that I turned to my daughter and said calmly, 'This is exactly how I'm raising you not to be.'"

Oh, shnap. That last line is too sweet. Frankly, it makes me suspicious of the rest of her account. Who amongst us has the perfect comeback at just the right moment? That never happens!

Whatever Tara Carson says, it's unlikely anyone's minds are going to be changed. The crux of her argument is that it was raining, so she didn't want to take the baby outside. Oh, Tara, you think that'll keep the baby-haters off your back? Nope. She should just be as unapologetic at the unhinged diner owner and say, "I am going to feed my crying toddler pancakes until you pry the fork from my cold dead hand."

Because no matter what you do, there'll always be people who want to tell you how to parent.

Meanwhile, we're waiting for Darla's rebuttal to appear in this Sunday's New York Times.

A selectman from Billerica, Massachusetts got tired of waiting for his town to repaint its fading crosswalks, so he did it himself.

George Simolaris, a vigilante with a paintbrush.
(via WBZ-TV)

Not every hero wears a cape and has superhuman powers. In real life, none of them do. What they do have is a dream and a love for their community. Also, painting supplies.

George Simolaris is a professional painter and a selectman for his hometown of Billerica, MA. (In case you're wondering, a selectman is like a town council member – one of those quaint civic positions that only exist in New England, like witchhunters.) Simolaris has often butted heads with the Billerica government in the past, so no one was surprised when he got on their case about not repainting some faded crosswalks in the city center. The job went months without being done, until last week, Simolaris had had enough. Using his painting expertise, he went and did it himself without asking for the town's permission.

Maybe he's a semi-professional.
(via WBZ-TV)

In total, Simolaris painted seven crosswalks around Billerica. When the town government found out, they were livid. Although they had delayed painting the crosswalks for months, they immediately dispatched crews to wash away the new ones.

Remnants of green paint left from job of Billerica selectman who painted crosswalk.# crosswalk pic.twitter.com/FWzXBkhBBE
— Karen Twomey (@KarenWBZradio) July 20, 2015

Simolaris will be billed for the cleanup and police detail, expected to total $4,200. He may also face destruction of property charges, and now the town is calling for him to resign his position as selectman. They're accusing him of endangering public safety. Town Manager John Curran said that he understood Simolaris's motivations, but that the crosswalks would have been painted in the next few weeks (yeah right). At a town meeting on Monday night, the painter struck a tone somewhere between apology and accusation:

“I did not mean to create this sort of trouble first of all, or expense. The crosswalks were barely visible, I should not have painted them but you should have had them painted."

A number of townspeople came to his defense at the meeting, barely concealing their anger at the other selectmen. Billerica resident Chris Musker said:

“The town was taking 10 months to paint a few stripes. He did it for our protection. I was able to cross the street and not get killed last night."

There is one bright side to this story: the town has finally officially repainted the crosswalks. As for George Simolaris, his fate is uncertain. Like all vigilantes, he's finding himself in conflict with the very community he intended to protect. He's learning the hard way: you can't fight city hall, and you certainly can't paint it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live asked kids on the street to explain adultery. They were strangely confident about their answers.

If there's one show on TV that's really nailed the "what do kids think" beat, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live. Any time a viral news story breaks, the show sends a reporter out into the streets to get the kids' take. Previously, a correspondent asked kids to explain gay marriage, and they did a surprisingly good job. This time, the kids were asked to explain adultery, in light of the recent hack of cheating website Ashley Madison. They didn't have as firm a grasp on it, probably because they don't know what sex is, but they answered confidently all the same.

Watching this video, there's only one reasonable conclusion: the Ashley Madison hack needed to happen. Not only is it a sleazy company with sleazy tactics, but it allows kids like these to live in the dark as to the sordid shenanigans their parents are getting up to. It's time for the wool to be pulled off their eyes. I'm not saying little kids need to learn about sex, they just need to learn that their parents are cheating. They've been sheltered long enough.

It was a big enough stretch for Taylor Swift to involve herself in this whole mess.

@NICKIMINAJ I've done nothing but love & support you. It's unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 21, 2015

If you haven't been following, we're in the midst of what's either the feud of a lifetime or a carefully orchestrated free commercial for the VMAs. In summary: Nicki Minaj tweeted some valid criticisms of the way the music industry views race after her iconic Anaconda video was snubbed for Video of the Year. Then, Taylor Swift accused her of pitting women against each other. Next, everyone else tried to get in on the action. Including Aaron Paul:

Dear @taylorswift13 and @NICKIMINAJ, I love you both. How about we all get together and talk this thru? Coffee? Pancakes?? My treat. Ap
— Aaron Paul (@aaronpaul_8) July 22, 2015

Aaron Paul's performance on Breaking Bad makes me imagine that he has great depth and complexity. But his social media interactions sometimes really make me go full question mark. Like, remember when he prank-announced a fake Jesse Pinkman show and then invited everyone on Periscope to see a movie with him? And now he wants to use his powers of mediation and pancake-purchasing to fix other people's public conflict about feminism and race? I don't know... I'd rather just watch him in that new Jason Katims show about cults.

I wish I could make this new apology tweet from Taylor Swift pop up on everyone's screen over whatever dumb work you're doing for your silly little job.

I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki.@NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015

Taylor Swift has "released" a "formal" apology to Nicki Minaj. She just tweeted that she was sorry. And not just regular sorry, but sorry on three different levels! She apologized for not getting the main idea of the original tweets, not understanding what Nicki was saying, and for not really meaning what she said/tweeted. (If you're not politically engaged, Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj have been exchanging harsh tweets for over a day.) Swift also deleted the original tweets that ignited the entire feud (they're no longer on her page but still appear to be live somehow—only Swift has this power).

I look forward to the many additional tweets that I'm sure Taylor Swift is about to write exploring race, identity, feminism, community, intersectionality, and the entertainment industry.

Running boy must defeat the evil pile of poop and rescue girl in red dress, with the help of syringe and eggplant.

The face of the studio execs who are about to make bank. (via Wikimedia Commons)

Sony Pictures Animation won a seven-figure bidding war to produce a feature animated film based on Emoji.

It will be written be Eric Siegel and Anthony Leondis, with the latter also directing. Sigel has experience writing and producing TV sitcoms, while Leondis has directed animated films such as Igor and B.O.O.: Bureau of Otherwordly Operations.

Because Emoji are in the public domain, the studios didn't have to buy any property rights. Instead, they bought Leondis' story pitch, which I hope contained no words and was solely spelled out by Emojis. The easiest reaction here is to bemoan how Hollywood is unoriginal and has further proven that anythingcanbemade into a movie, but you never know. For every Battleship there's a Wreck-It-Ralph and for every Pixels there's a Lego Movie. It's really up to how they execute the concept. Let's just hope the movie emojis don't have the same diversity problem they had in real life.

Two people in Outer Banks, N.C. thought this was a good idea. There really is someone for everyone.

My favorite thing in this video is the gentle, non-judgemental southern drawl of the woman narrating as she films:

"These people are going swimming in their homemade shark cages...they don't want to get bit. The lifeguard's telling 'em, 'No.'"

Yep, that about covers it! If you try to enter the ocean in a flimsy, unwieldy cage, a lifeguard is honor-bound to stop you. It's a lifeguard's job to keep people from drowning, no matter how much it seems like they want to.

The couple's antics have been revealed to be a "joke," according to Sky News:

"Scott Bergman and his wife carried their cages aloft into the waves off the North Carolina coast - an area that has recently seen a spate of shark attacks.

'It was the other people filming us, taking pictures of us, that really caught the attention and really took off,' Mr Bergman said. 'The idea is that you would go in and you put it down on the surface of the ocean so that you have protection.'

The cages - which Mr Bergman has branded the Blockjaw PSC1, or Personal Shark Cage 1 - are made from PVC pipes and steel bolts."

So, what's the joke here? They still tried to go into the water wearing a cage. You might be slightly less likely to drown in a cage made of PVC pipes than one made of steel, but ultimately all you need to drown is water and an immobilized body. So...haha?

If you're looking at this couple and thinking, "Slow down, maybe they're onto something...," then check out this video of a shark attacking a professionally made shark proof cage:

Hang onto your feet, guys! Sharky's gonna get 'em.

Related: A helpful timeline of this summer's increasing shark hysteria.

This land is your land; this land is my land; from California to the New York Island; this land is riddled with STDs.

Zoom in and click around on this map, or scroll down for some of our favorite hotspots.

It makes sense that the website RentApplication.com is adept at creating data maps. There is a huge and complicated pool of rental price data out there, and being able to spot trends and opportunities seems important. It also seems like it must get dull after a while, which is what I presume led to someone at their office saying, "hey, what if we fed the CDC's data on sexually transmitted diseases into this thing?" Whatever the reason, the result is something you could happily waste hours on, just hovering your mouse over parts of the country you've never visited and judging them for their gonorrhea outbreak. If you're in a rush and would like to skip straight to the judging part, here are the 10 most diseased areas of the country:

Good to know our country's sailors and soldiers are armed with their own personal biological weapons.(via RentApplication.com)

At first glance, this map might make you want to avoid the Southwest, but keep in mind that the Southwest has huge counties and is sparsely populated. You're totally ignoring all the tiny, heavily populated but nonetheless filthy counties in the South and Northeast! But what you might not have seen at all was Alaska. Dirty, dirty Alaska.

Anchorage, AK: 1038.8 cases per 100k. It gets lonely. And cold. Did we mention lonely and cold? (via RentApplication.com)

The Bronx was the most-infected of NYC's five boros with 1409 cases per 100k, but Manhattan and Brooklyn were pretty skeezy, too. (via RentApplication.com)

D.C. is pretty gross, unsurprisingly, with 1432 out of every 100k people being diseased in their genitals as well as their soul. (via RentApplication.com)

For a city literally meaning "Body of Christ," Corpus Christi, TX was not treating itself like a temple, with 976 infections (mostly Chlamydia) per 100k residents. (via RentApplication.com)

Capital cities continue their trend of being the disease capitals of their states, with 1081 people per 100k residents, or about 1% of Tallahassans having the clap. (via RentApplication.com)

The West Coast was surprisingly lacking in the severe hotspots found in the South and East, with Bakersfield being (as it often is) the worst part of California I could find. (via RentApplication.com)

Finally, Sweet Home Chicago came in at a mere 876 infections per 100k people...although that's still 34,589 total clap infections, 10,551 cases of gonorrhea, and 694 syphilitics running around my new hometown of the Windy City. Yay. (via RentApplication.com)

If you'd like to see more, click around the map at the top!

Nicki Minaj gets the (possibly) last word.

That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015

So you might have heard that Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift have been fighting on Twitter since the VMA nominations came out. To quote myself from earlier today, Nicki Minaj tweeted some valid criticisms of the way the music industry views race after her iconic Anaconda video was snubbed for Video of the Year. Then, Taylor Swift accused her of pitting women against each other.

Taylor has since (as of two hours ago) apologized, and Nicki accepted the apology. She also tweeted a hilariously conspiratorial emoji at Katy Perry for having her back.

@katyperry
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 201

She then asked everyone to move on.

I've always loved her. Everyone makes mistakes. She gained so much more respect from me. Let's move on. https://t.co/mx9pfIdnzT
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 201

And now, knowing that there are many eyes on her Twitter, Minaj is using her platform to bring attention to an important issue. She's asking people to take the time to look into the heartbreaking story of Sandra Bland and educate themselves.

If you haven't looked into this story, please do. It's the most disturbing thing going on right now.… https://t.co/jK6LYx7GnJ
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015

Rest In Peace #SandraBlandhttps://t.co/WxJWFYb6Lp
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015

And to anyone who says that Minaj never cared about social issues until she didn't get an award, she has a message for you, too.

Let them talk. #SandraBlandhttps://t.co/yBpJCkTShL
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015

Jokes on you, everyone who made fun of us for covering trivial celebrity gossip! It was all a long con to get you to read the news!

Posting pictures on the Internet is exhausting.

TBTLOL!!!!!!

1. Does participating in #tbt make me seem cool, desperate, or desperate to be cool?

2. Is it rude to post a 15-year-old picture of someone without them knowing, even if you don't use their name? What if the person in the photo was your Internet boyfriend in middle school?

3. Has anybody posted 15-year-old pictures of me without me knowing?

4. If they did post old pictures of me, did any of them have captions like, "Ha ha, look at this weirdo! I looked her up now, and she is awful at everything she does! I contacted her friends, and they agree!"?

5. Should I cover my butt by saying "I am sure my middle school Internet boyfriend grew up to be a wonderful, successful man"?

6. Oh my god, have I really spent 10 minutes deciding whether or not to post this photo?

7. Does it seem like I'm bragging if I post a picture of my Internet boyfriend from middle school who I met on an X-Files message board? Like, "look at how much nerd cred I have; I was Internet dating in 1996"?

8. Can I even call it dating if it mostly consisted of ICQ chat sessions?

9. Is it too complicated to explain that this picture was taken three years later, when we were no longer "dating," but I was visiting Boston on a school trip?

10. Why is there so much food trash in this picture? Do teenagers today, with all of their phone-camera savvy, know to not include a bunch of food trash in the frame when they take pictures?

11. Holy shit; I've spent 30 minutes considering whether to post this. How does this take so much time?

12. I shouldn't post this, right? People will think it looks desperate for attention. I'm not going to post it.

13. Why do I care what other people think? I control my destiny, and this #tbt is my battlefield! I'm going to post it!

14. Do I tell people about the time when my Internet boyfriend and I first met face-to-face when we were dating and we both wanted to kiss but were too shy and so instead we stood outside of an amusement park awkwardly for like 45 minutes trying to say goodbye?

15. Do I point I my spiked necklace?

16. Do I point out how depressed I was when this picture was taken, or is that obvious from the fact that I was wearing a spiked necklace that I bought at a Claire's?

17. Do I I expand the frame so that I'm not cropping out my friend Samantha?

18. Will Samantha remember this photo and be offended that she was cropped out, even though she's not the point, we haven't talked for at least three years, and the last time we did talk was on Facebook, so it sort of doesn't count?

19. Why am I hungry?

20. Goddammit, it's already dinnertime? I'm posting.

21. ...only 12 likes? Shit.

Most people know who Drake is, so when Meek Mill started trash-talking him on Twitter, a lot of people learned who Meek Mill is.

Stop comparing drake to me too.... He don't write his own raps! That's why he ain't tweet my album because we found out!
— Meek Mill (@MeekMill) July 22, 2015

Who is comparing Drake to you, dude?

Meek Mill might be a great rapper, but he's mostly known for being Nicki Minaj's boyfriend:

#AllEyesOnYou Video Shoot behind the scenes.
A photo posted by Nicki Minaj (@nickiminaj) on Jul 12, 2015 at 10:39am PDT

And he definitely tried to drag her into the drama:

Other artist know tho? lil Wayne and Nicki know ..... Ask em they gone act like they don't see them tweets
— Meek Mill (@MeekMill) July 22, 2015

The reaction hasn't been too favorable, and he actually ended up apologizing to Minaj for trying to stir the pot:

#PressPlay: Here's a better video of #MeekMill's apology to #NickiMinaj for going off on Twitter via @theofficialcheekywiki
A video posted by The Shade Room (@theshaderoominc) on Jul 22, 2015 at 8:59pm PDT

Drake hasn't dignified the accusations with a response, but this recent screenshot of a DM with rapper Hitman Holla shows his perspective:

@champagnepapi my dude and he motivate a young nigga like me!! SAUTE DRIZZY
A photo posted by hitmanholla (@hitmanholla) on Jul 22, 2015 at 12:52pm PDT

In other news, I will never stop thinking "champagnepapi" is an incredible Instagram handle.

Anyway, in the grand tradition of Internet fights, lots of people have inserted their opinion into something that is none of their business. One of the funniest folks to get in on it is Norm Kelly, Toronto city councilor. Toronto is the city Drake hails from, and Norm Kelly is a huge fan. That, or a cynical politician who knows Millennials will eat any Drake-related social media stuff up. Either way, he tweets Drake lyrics a lot.

When all is said and done, more is always said than done. - Drake
— Norm Kelly (@norm) July 19, 2015

Inspiration.

This is what Norm tweeted at Meek Mills after he called Drake a phony:

You're no longer welcome in Toronto, @MeekMill.
— Norm Kelly (@norm) July 22, 2015

A joke? Not a joke? It definitely was not taken as one:

Aye white man @norm what gives you the audacity to tell me I can't come somewhere over me voicing my opinion! U sound like a thug lol
— Meek Mill (@MeekMill) July 22, 2015

Norm backpedals a little, but ultimately reminds Meek Mills he's gotta cross some borders to get to him:

Aye American @MeekMill. Didn't say don't come. Just puzzled why you'd diss a Canadian hero a week before coming to his city.
— Norm Kelly (@norm) July 22, 2015

Canadian hero! Love it. If you were on Degrassi:The Next Generation, you are definitely one of the most heroic people in Canada.

Ben Franklin left something important out when he made that comment on death and taxes.

"OMG you like to poop? Me too!" (via Thinkstock)

Every "relationship milestone" is bullshit, except for one: poop. It's a biological necessity, so it's something you'll always being dealing with during your relationship. But it's also a taboo, so the way you deal with it is indicative of how comfortable you are with your significant other. Thus, here are the 11 stages of poop in a relationship.

1. You don't talk about poop.

Every relationship has to start somewhere. You've just met someone, and you don't want to scare them off with the whole "I have a digestive system" thing before you even get to know them. Totally understandable.

2. You've acknowledged that poop exists.

You've broken the ice, and things are more casual. You now see eye-to-eye on the idea that there are people out there who use the bathroom for stuff other than peeing. Poop is still just an idea — something you've heard about in medical shows or comedy films — but it's an idea you're comfortable with. You still make sure to avoid coffee or spicy foods while out on dates, but maybe you've gone on a bathroom break that was a bit longer than usual, just to test the waters.

3. You've acknowledged that each other poops.

Congratulations! You and your partner have mutually come to an agreement that you're Homo sapiens of the primate order who expel biological waste through your rectums. I know it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, you've come further than a lot of couples ever get. Things are only going to get better from here.

4. You poop around each other.

Instead of clenching your rectum for dear life or pretending to take a shower, you can now confidently said, "Hey babe, I'm going to take a shit" without permanently causing a cataclysmic rupture in your relationship.

5. You talk to each other while pooping.

Pooping is now no big deal. You can now ask your partner whether or not they want to watch True Detective later while all that separates them from you discharging waste from your anus is a closed door. Hell, maybe you give each other status reports on what kind of poop it is and how you're holding up. Relationships are all about dialogue.

6. You poop with the door open.

At first, all societal barriers were dropped. Now, all literal barriers have been dropped. Your partner can come in to take a shower or brush their teeth, or even just stop by for a chat. They're okay with listening to your plops and smelling your home brew, because they're yours.

7. You've pooped in each other's childhood homes.

You don't really get to know someone until you've seen where they come from and where they've shat. There's something so powerful about meeting another person's parents, looking them right in the eye, and saying, "I love your child, and I want to be there for them," and then sealing the deal with a colossal steamer in their family bathroom, preferably below a framed picture of one of their ancestors.

8. You share a toilet.

Sharing food, a car, or even a bed is really not that big of a deal if you think about it. Taking a porcelain bowl, however, and saying, "This is ours" is an entirely different ball game. You've created a home for the two of you — and your poop.

9. You've pooped out a baby.

Expelling your decomposed waste is one thing. Expelling a living, breathing person who also poops is another. You've invited someone into your life to continue in your shared tradition of pooping, someone who will carry it on long past your death.

10. You've kept things interesting with weird poop sex stuff.

Most couples reach a point in their marriage where sex and pooping just don't bring pleasure like they used to. Instead of consigning yourself to this fate, however, you've decided to take a stand against complacency. You've chosen to be brave enough to tear down those arbitrary barriers and combine them. It'll definitely take some effort, but you've refused to live in a loveless marriage where you don't include your poop in sex. You've chosen to open a second chapter and say "Yes" to life. Go you.

11. You're there for their last poop.

You're holding your loved one in your arms as they prepare to say goodbye to this world. As they exhale their last breath, their muscles spontaneously relax as they expel their last pile into this world, leaving you to only carry on with their memory and their assurance that you'll be together in the next life. Pooping together, of course.