Ok, so this video does not show all the ways animals sleep. In fact, this video really just whets my appetite. What do sleeping giraffes look like? I bet manatees are pretty dumb-looking when they snooze. Do orangutans ever fall out of trees? Oh boy. Yes, I could Google these things, but it just wouldn't have the majesty of National Geographic, y'know? That majesty which I'm sure Rupert Murdoch will preserve as the new owner.
Upon a recent visit to California, which is on fire amidst the worst drought in recent memory and with snowpack levels falling to 500-year lows, retired neurosurgeon and current conservative rising star Dr. Ben Carson had this to say about the 97% of peer-reviewed publications that support the concept of global climate change:
I know there a lot of people who say 'overwhelming science,' but then when you ask them to show the overwhelming science, they never can show it. There is no overwhelming science that the things that are going on are man-caused and not naturally caused.
After he gave that quote to The San Francisco Chronicle, California's Governor Jerry Brown took a moment from dealing with his state's raging wildfires to sending Carson the following gift and open letter, which he posted on Twitter:
The flash drive contained the UN Intergovernmental Panel On Climate Change's "Synthesis Report," by 800 leading scientists assessing the results of over 30,000 papers on the topic. It is, in other words, the gold standard. Here's the text of Gov. Brown's letter:
Dear Dr. Carson,
I hope you've enjoyed your visit to the Golden State. It's come to my attention that while you were here you said the following regarding climate science:
"I know there are a lot of people who say 'overwhelming science,' but then when you ask them to show the overwhelming science, they can never show it...There is no overwhelming science that the things that are going on are man-caused and not naturally caused. Gimme a break."
Please find enclosed a flash drive with the complete United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) "Synthesis Report," the concluding installment of the Fifth Assessment Report, published earlier this year. This report assessed over 30,000 scientific papers and was written by more than 800 scientists, representing 80 countries around the world, who definitively concluded that: "...human influence on the climate system is clear and growing, with impacts observed across all continents and oceans."
This is just one of the thousands of reports authored by the world's top scientists on the subject, including a study published just last month by Columbia University, University of Idaho and NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies scientists that found climate change has intensified California's drought. These aren't just words. The consequences are real.
Please use your considerable intelligence to review this material. Climate change is bigger than partisan politics.
Sincerely,
Edmund G. Brown
Granted, there is some irony to saying "let's not be partisan" to an open letter, but hey—did we mention his state is on fire?
It's so easy. All you need to do is release the video you see above, chock full of clips from a bunch of 90s Nickelodeon cartoons; attach it to a name like The Splat that reminds us of the 90s Nickelodeon logo; and watch the Internet lose its goddamn mind. The only thing missing here is the smell of Gak being piped in while watching the video (please don't do that Nickelodeon; that sh*t smelled gross).
Several people are freaking out over the idea that there might be an new channel dedicated to 90s Nick. But The Splat is not that. Because, y'know, TV as we know it is dying, and launching a new TV channel right now is kind of a dumb idea. Especially when it would be exclusively showing cartoons that viewers can currently buy on DVD and watch whenever they want. Plus, this person/entity that claims to be in-the-know says it's just going to be a block on Nickelodeon:
Oh, and there's also that whole thing where The Splat's very own Twitter account says that it's going to be airing at midnights on TeenNick:
The Splat doesn't have a launch date yet, but it will be coming sometime. Probably. Unless it's all a prank.
To win the US Open is to win eternal glory, worldwide admiration, and the opportunity to serve tennis balls right at Stephen Colbert.
"In this scenario, I'm the new Captain America, and you're the captain of Hydra's tennis team," Colbert stated, as he squatted behind Cap's adamantium shield. Turns out that the winner of one of the most important tennis tournaments has a great arm, and Colbert got served.
Apologies to everyone who had bet on Roger Federer to ultimately beat up Colbert.
In an ever-growing quest for relevance in the era of internet porn, Playboy released a comprehensive ranking of the Top 10 Party Schools in America. This can be a vital resource for high school seniors who need Playboy's help in many matters, including choosing their college. Here's the Top 10, and Playboy's rationale for each school's supposed supremacy.
Not to be confused with Miami University in Ohio or Ohio State, Playboy gave Ohio University their top spot. Located in Athens, Ohio, the town pays to tribute to its Greek namesake with crazed debauchery around All Hallow's Eve. Playboy described the Halloween block party as "a drunken fete so epic it attracts such sponsors as the infamous caffeinated alcohol Four Loko." Wow. Epic.
Maybe if Hannah Horvath went to Iowa for the undergrad experience she would have lasted longer than two weeks. Iowa City is the ultimate enabler to underage fun, letting in anyone over the age of 19 until 10 PM. Local establishment Union Bar found a loophole, and by calling themselves an "entertainment venue," could let in all ages at all times: "The resulting evidence of the Union’s Halloween bash is enough to make a Playboy editor blush."
It's Florida. People go there to drink their faces off when they're on break from their own schools.
Woah, this school actually has good academics, too. Playboy ranks Tulane highly by virtue of Mardi Gras, "a 140-year-old off-campus party that’s still thriving." They forgot to mention that Louisiana lets you carry alcohol openly on the street, so points to Louisiana for helping the environment by freeing students from the burden of covering their drank in paper bags.
This school thrives on Greek life, and also has legal bar entry at 19. They have an annual music festival that attracts great acts, but according to the prestigious Naked Lady Mag, "come March, all hell breaks loose for Unofficial Saint Patrick’s Day, when thousands of students skip class to start drinking at dawn—and the streets are dyed green with vomit."
The college helps "keep Austin weird," with thriving nightlife on the city's Sixth Street and Rainey street. But as Hef and Co point out, the best part of UT is that "Longhorns can legally go topless in public. Austin: the right to bear arms and the right to bare it all."
The 'Cuse won the top spot according to everyone's favorite SAT people, The Princeton Review. This school in upstate New York is known to have epic tailgates and other parties in parking lots. Phi Psi's "Heaven and Hell" party on Halloween is known to be one of the best, and also sounds like my own personal hell.
According to Playboy, life in Madison is all about the Badgers and the Vag. People throw house parties every Saturday during football season, and cheese curds and beer are abundant all over town.
Southern belles. Booze. BattlestarGalactica.
The frat bros at Michigan are a bit communist and share a massive backyard. Known as "The Pit," this plot of land is home to tailgating during football season. Apparently there's also a never-ending stream of house parties: "Win or lose, Michiganders still booze."
If you thought that last week's flood of new Justin Timberlake-Jimmy Fallon entertainment meant that we would now be entering a dry spell, you were wrong. We got rap histories, we got baby pics, and still, the age of JT-JF public camaraderie continues. Last night on The Tonight Show, Fallon debuted a new video sketch, "Looks," featuring the pals (and a surprise guest) having an entire conversation without words.
This video relies heavily on the appeal of Justin "Dirty Pop" Timberlake making charming faces into the camera, as should they all.
Musician hosts 9/11 themed wedding with Twin Towers cake. Impressively tasteless http://t.co/3OeQ8Bde6fpic.twitter.com/lzsHq8shrJ
— Sam Bowman (@s8mb) September 15, 2015Jerry Casale, the singer/bassist from the rock band Devo of "Whip It" fame, was married last Friday, September 11th. According to TMZ, Casale and his wife Krista knew that the date wasn't special just for them, and decided to commemorate 9/11 with their wedding theme. According to the picture, Jerrry and Krista had His and Hers wedding cakes shaped like the Twin Towers, complete with their faces on top.
TMZ added that they gave away personalized box cutters for their party favors, which would be more appropriate for a Breaking Bad-themed wedding anyway.
According to Casale, the cake and the cutters were arranged by a friend of his as a surprise. Another guest later sold the photos to TMZ.
Deep apologies for all offended. There is a real explanation and its not what you think. Surprise cake and pix to TMZ was a set up. TBC...
— Gerald Casale (@Gvc3Casale) September 15, 2015This whole thing sounds like a big mess.
That's when they start in with the questions, and poking, and prodding, and shots. These random things spotted at doctor's offices definitely don't make it any easier.
It's almost fall which means it's almost winter which means if you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, you will soon become a depressed, unmovable flesh-sack stored on a couch until April 2016. There is, however, hope. You have access to millions of movies, thanks to the Internet.
If you're looking for what movie to watch when the weather gets you down, here's a list of what to try.
Does it feel like the world is conspiring against you? Are you in a funk because each day is more predictable than the last? Maybe you're unknowingly inside a TV show based around your life! Or maybe you just need to break out of all your old habits and go see the world. That's all Truman needed. Watch this one, and break free!
If you're really trying to snap out of your funk, maybe consider joining a club that eventually becomes an anarchist organization... Or watch this movie and join a book club maybe. Either way, Tyler Durden is here not to enable your sad self-pity all winter, but to make you do something with all your rotten feelings. Embrace the darkness and watch this movie four or five times in a row until you don't want to punch everyone you see (or you want to punch them more).
If you're ever thinking you have it worse than anyone, and if it were just warm enough to go for a walk and be alone with your thoughts, let this little movie remind you that many people have it worse. A lot worse. Holy shit. In fact, if you live in any developed country where there aren't genocides, count yourself lucky and cheer up.
What better way to explain away crying for no reason than by watching Holly Hunter cry for no reason. This is one of the smartest movies about social anxiety and intimacy issues. Bonus: it's about how all of news media is going to shit. You're probably already enabling your depression by leaving cable news on all day. Why not watch the antidote with a dramedy about how the news was ruined?
Do you feel like you're under water? Like a fish in a bowl, and everyone is asking you question after question, and you just don't want to answer? Maybe start an affair with an older woman to spice things up? Or, again...just watch a movie about it. Bonus: the soundtrack alone makes this movie seasonal depression-worthy. Get ready to wallow through "Sounds of Silence!"
You'll be able to relate to the main character who never moves his face to smile or frown. Why show any emotion if you aren't feeling any? Oh, but you are! You are teeming with emotions just beneath the surface, just like the guy eavesdropping throughout this film. You're just too tired to show those feelings.
Also, Seasonal Affective Disorder makes everything look like East Germany before The Wall fell, so you'll be in sync with the movie.
Who hasn't felt like screaming "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" no matter what the season? It's particularly good when you're depressed, because it glorifies a man who's clearly had a complete mental breakdown. At least you're not as crazy as Howard Beale or the people who let him continue to rant on TV.
At a certain point, it will feel like you're accomplishing something by making it through. And that pseudo-productivity will hopefully inspire you to do something with yourself besides sit and watch movies all day.
I mean...why not? You just finished all of Lord of the Rings. Might as well waste another few days watching the coolest action movies ever made.
Continue down this rabbit hole of movies that are way too long by watching all 8 hours of Andy Warhol's single shot of the Empire State Building. If it starts to resonate with you emotionally, call your therapist immediately.
Do I even need to explain this one? It's action-packed, the big songs are upbeat and about things getting better, plus it's an animated movie from your childhood or your kids' childhoods. You can't not enjoy yourself while watching it. Toy Story and Toy Story 3 will also do.
Doesn't matter if it's before or after Christmas, here's someone who knows exactly how you're feeling. Charlie Brown isn't depressed necessarily. He just feels... off. Like The spirit of a holiday and the meaning of life itself has suddenly left him. Before he even hit puberty, no less. This movie is a great reminder that if you act really sad all the time, your friends will eventually intervene to make you feel better. No one likes a sad sack. Snap out of it, Charlie Brown! Your friends are here for you.
Under no circumstance should you watch It's a Wonderful Life. That movie is mostly a list of reasons the world could exist without you, followed up by a scene where everyone gives a guy money. Oh, and you also have to believe in angels for it to not be depressing. While we're at it, stay away from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was a happy person until I saw that movie.
For anyone who wants to see award-winning British actor Idris Elba play James Bond, here is a tasty piece of video-editing for you to consume (even if you're already overeaten). Vulture made this trailer, cutting it together perfectly to make it look like Idris Elba's stoic, thoughtful eyes will stare daggers into his enemies as James Bond in Spectre. He's played roles in other movies that embody the four major attributes of Bond, so the mashup is quite seamless. Here are the four requirements, displayed prominently in the trailer:
1. Driving cars.
2. Confidently talking to sexy-serious women.
3. Delivering one word lines with layered emotion.
4. Being hot.
Idris Elba would probably like to actually play James Bond, but hopefully this fake trailer will fill the void for the time being. He's a positive dude, so we're sure he'll enjoy it.
Emily Blunt officially DTRed her relationship with the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, and is now a bona fide citizen. To show her passion for her new country, she had to pass the notorious citizenship test. "I know more about the constitution and government than most Americans, I would say that," Blunt explains.
To celebrate, and to test her knowledge of the land, Ellen Degeneres had Blunt dress up as Lady Liberty and sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy." Then, Blunt got the shock of her immigrant life when Uncle Sam Himself made a surprise appearance.
Blunt should be afraid – she gave up the United Kingdom's universal healthcare and free preschool for this godforsaken land. But who wouldn't give up all those things to be with Jim Halpert himself?
So these snaps that Kylie Jenner sent Monday night of her sisters' asses are pretty much the Kardashian version of a photo album. The next generation is going to gather around to look back on these videos every Christmas and make fun of our quaint dated butt video technology.
The sisters were at a Galore magazine party in New York to celebrate Kylie's appearance on the cover. That kind of occasion of course calls for dancing, butts, and social media. She shared videos of Khloe Kardashian (above), as well as Kourtney Kardashian (first below), and Kendall Jenner (second below).
And it was her party, so Kylie had a good time too.
Wow, it really takes you back to being 18 and appearing on magazine covers and being the most powerful social media personality in the world, doesn't it?
So quit sulking, turn on your TV (or computer, if you're not 100), forget about your own life, and start thinking about sexy, sexy doctors. Here are the best new fall shows for you to live vicariously through.
The main character in this show has super cognitive abilities. He solves FBI cases like it's no big deal. And most importantly, he knows Bradley Cooper. Sure, there are a lot of dark and dangerous downsides to using brain-enhancing drug NZT, as we learned from the Limitless movie when all those people violently [spoiler]ed. But who cares? He knows Bradley Cooper.
If you want to imagine that you're a talented ballerina at the American Ballet Academy, you'll need to commit to the details, like a sociopathic mentor and bleeding feet. This show, from Breaking Bad writer Moira Walley-Beckett, really paints a picture. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake in season one and everyone will glamorously freak out and/or embrace their dark side.
To be clear, the character in this show with the best life to steal is the baby, because then John Stamos would be your grandpa and your family would be the coolest. This is a show about a guy finding out he has a kid he never knew about, who grew up and had a grandkid he never knew about. From the trailer, it also looks like there are restaurant shenanigans, dope apartments, and cute children.
The best part of the Minority Report movie was the huge futuristic touchscreen that would do whatever you wanted if you waved your hands around. Thankfully, the screen is back for the TV adaptation. If I were a character on this show I would just be playing around on the touchscreen for 40 minutes having the time of my life, and there wouldn't be a plot, but it would be fine. The actual show, which takes place 10 years after the film, focuses on a guy who can see the future and tries to stop crimes before they happen.
Finally, a female superhero. A young, female superhero. A young, female, empowered superhero. A young, female, empowered superhero who sasses misogynist male aliens. Kara Zor-El, aka Superman's cousin, is my new role model. (And like all my other role models, she is younger than me.)
The world could use more choreographed dance numbers, especially spontaneous ones with synchronized clapping. It seems like that happens all the time for the main character of this show from YouTube star Rachel Bloom.
We all want to steal Neil Patrick Harris' life and we always have. He has an awesome family. He's inspirational AF. And now, on top of all that, he's having the best time ever? This show looks to be some kind of mish-mosh of late night comedy, pranking, singing, and famous people. Maybe we can at least Freaky Friday this situation for one perfect day.
He posted these two Photoshopped pictures, suggesting that Willow and Jaden Smith's names are derived from a combination of their parents' first and middle names:
This is not true. Will's middle name is Carroll and Jada's middle name is Koren, but the Internet didn't seem to care, as evidenced by a whole bunch of snarky "Duh! I already knew that"-type comments:
And if that wasn't terrible enough, people started stealing his Tweet without crediting him. He retweeted a few of them, but most of the culprits deleted their tweets after they were called out. This one from World Star Daily is still up, though:
We need more people like him. Hooray for trolling for a good cause.
This fall, Michigan will watch their leaves turn into a brilliant display, apples will be picked, and some poor soul will be treated for bubonic plague. The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services announced that a resident had the plague, one of 14 cases reported nationwide in 2015. Yes, the bubonic plague, otherwise known as black death, one of the most devastating pandemics in modern human history.
Between 1970 and 2012, the majority of human plague cases have been in New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado. Which means there's probably plague on turquoise jewelry or bolo ties. The good news for much of the southwest and Michigan is that plague is easily treated these days, and is typically not fatal. Consider it a hangnail on the state that looks like a hand.
