Get ready to have a bunch of passive-aggressive conversations with your friends, because Facebook is adding read receipts to its events.
Barbecues: Just one of many events it will now be more difficult to avoid.
It seems like Facebook has gotten wise to the fact that almost everybody ignores Facebook events. First there were the notifications that claimed "You have 7 events today" when in fact I was invited to six different Monday night improv comedy shows and one dog birthday party.* And now the site is working on adding read receipts to private events, so the creator of an event can see that you looked at the event, but didn't respond Yes, Maybe, or No.
Generally, I believe that RSVPing to events is the Right Thing To Do. It's a pain in the butt to plan something like a birthday party, buy enough drinks for the people who RSVPed, and then have 15 other yahoos show up. But the way to get people to RSVP isn't to spy on whether or not your friends have viewed the invite, so you can then a) bother them for not responding or b) harbor resentment and silently judge them.** Besides the fact that there are a whole bunch of good reasons why someone would look at an invite and not RSVP immediately. For example, they might need to talk to their significant other about what their excuse for not attending your dumb party is.
If you really want people to respond to your event, just invite them in a distinguished and personal way: over email. Yes, we've come to the day when emailing someone is the personal way to get in touch. But don't worry: soon we'll just have chips in our heads that let us know the moment we've been invited to parties and will shut down our bodily functions until we RSVP. Yup, the future is pretty great.
* Sorry I missed your big day, Zelda. You don't look a day over 3!
** Besides, if you want to be silently judging your friends, there are dozens of other things you can silently judge them about. Does Dave really think he's pulling off the mustache?
Like any good cage match brawl, they saved the title fight until most of the way through the debate.
Last week, Donald Trump finally went (even more extremely) too far by mixing an attack on Carly Fiorina's business record with gross jabs at her appearance. With the GOP debate only six days later and Fiorina moving up from the "kids table" debate to the big time, many people were wondering what would happen.
Fiorina's response, it's fair to say, was heard loud and clear. As was Trump's response (heavy sigh) that Ms. Fiorina was, in fact, attractive.
Her emails may be sketchy but she's great in sketches.
Jimmy Fallon, as Donald Trump, called up Hillary to get her ready for her interview with the real Donald Trump. Trump's rampant misogyny was a great set up for Hillary to tout her record on women's rights, fighting for equal pay in the workplace, and also the fact that she is a woman herself. She proves that she is a woman when she reaches for a delicious glass of wine mid-call.
Fallon sums up Trump's political strategy very well, which is basally yelling and "pick[ing] things everyone loves and saying [he] hates them," calling puppies stupid and pointing out that fall foliage is just "tree puberty."
Kim Kardashian-West and her whole Jenndashian clan have become the common enemy that unites us as a culture. But at what cost? Have we turned them into such monsters in our minds that we've become the real monsters? After watching this clip, we're not so sure.
It was taken by Karizza Sanchez, style news editor of Complex Magazine, before the launch of Kanye West's new fashion line, Yeezy Season 2. Seeing Kim and North share such a normal mother/daughter moment will prove to you that when the cameras are off, these "Kartrashians" are just people. Or you might be more convinced than ever that they suck. It's your choice.
As "Stephen Colbert," Stephen Colbert has to make fun of conservatives in a subtly sarcastic way, but now on CBS, he can just blast them outright.
Last night on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Colbert discussed the GOP candidates' attempts to Reaganize their personas and out-Reagan each other. It culminated last night with the second GOP debate being hosted at the Reagan Library, which Colbert joked is a "Mecca for people who wouldn't compare it to Mecca."
Colbert explained how all the candidates were "getting their Ronnie on," and evoking his famous bear-related campaign ads. It's a treat to see Colbert straight-up discuss Republican ludicrousness.
Somewhere in the last hour of the marathon CNN GOP debate, the candidates were asked what Secret Service code name they would want if elected President. Obama, for example, is "Renegade." George W. Bush was first "Tumbler" and later "Trailblazer." Reagan was "Rawhide." Jimmy Carter was "Lock Master," naturally. You see what kind of names we're talking about here. Code names. If I need to explain to you what a cool code name sounds like, go watch more spy movies. The candidates responded. Many got so caught up in trying to say something about themselves that they forgot to pick something that sounds remotely like a code name. And most were, y'know, just bad. Granted, they had limited time, but let's rank these by whether they make sense as a cool codename, with points given for making sense at all:
1. Carly Fiorina - "Secretariat"
As some pundits are saying about the debate as a whole, Carly Fiorina won the name category with a strong name that echoes her beginnings as a secretary while totally being a plausible code name. Not the flashiest name in existence, but 100% makes sense and could be someone's code name.
2. Donald Trump - "Humble"
A good joke, and sounds like the kind of code name bomb designers would give a nuclear test. Much like electing Donald Trump would be.
3. Marco Rubio - "Gator"
Not as evocative as the first two, Marco Rubio's "Gator" pick makes totally acceptable sense even if it was based on a pretty boring story about Florida colleges or something. Actually, perfect.
4. Mike Huckabee - "Duck Hunter"
As much as I didn't want to like this name at first (but I'm looking at this 100% scientifically), it could feasibly work. It might unintentionally make everyone imagine Mike Huckabee as the protagonist of a classic Nintendo game, but it also evokes the movie "Deer Hunter," but, y'know, cuddlier.
5. Jeb Bush - "Eveready"
You know, like the battery. "Because it's high energy," he said to Donald Trump, referencing Donald's earlier backhanded compliment that Bush had more energy in this debate. They then high-fived. About Jeb Bush naming himself after a pack of AAs. He's had years to think about this. Years.
6. Ted Cruz - "Cohiba"
This is an unhealthy message to send to children, Ted Cruz, and also literally something that goes up in smoke.
7. John Kasich - "Unit Two"
There are so many problems with this, the story about how his wife demands to be Unit One aside. I imagine the Secret Service might have a Unit One or Unit Two, for one. Two, they are not going to call the President "Unit Two." You're the President. You are going to spend literally every foreign trip leaning across a table to tell some foreign dignitary this story about your wife taking Unit One.
8. Chris Christie - "True Heart"
We're getting into nonsense territory now, beginning in this twilight zone of "True Heart." This would sound ludicrous unless applied to someone as incorruptible as Captain America (cough); it's almost guaranteed to sound sarcastic through an earpiece. This was a brain's random word generator barely getting by with a pleasant adjective-noun guess.
9. Ben Carson - "One Nation"
This makes no sense. Plus a bunch of dudes yelling "One Nation is on the move!" around the President is going to accidentally start a war one day. Did I mention it makes no sense as a code name? To be fair, Dr. Ben Carson isn't a lifelong politician, and hasn't had as long to think about it as, say:
10. Rand Paul - "Justice Never Sleeps"
You are not allowed to have a catchphrase as a code name, Senator. No. It is against the rules. I know how much you like close readings of the rules. This is completely unacceptable. If we allowed this, anarchy would break loose, and not fun "let's end the drug war" anarchy.
11. Scott Walker - "Harley"
Ok, fine, it kind of makes sense but this dude is not getting named Harley no matter how many he rides.
Last night, viewers of the GOP debate had a lot to think about. Like, isn't the guy sitting behind moderator Jake Tapper hot? Who is the hot guy? How did he get so hot? What's the hot guy thinking about? Is the hot guy single? What's the hot guy's name? Is the hot guy's name Bradley? Isn't Bradley a hot name?
Twitter pretty much went crazy over this anonymous new crush.
I mean, yeah, he's attractive. He has a cool haircut that manages to be clean-cut and lightly edgy at the same time. And he has the benefit of being shown on the screen in stark contrast to a bunch of old dudes trying to make it harder for women to go to the doctor. Of course he's highly crushable. But hopefully we'll never end up finding out the true details of his identity. It's better to just let him be who we need him to be.
Last night on Jeopardy, a contestant named Talia had a good time with her Final Jeopardy response.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=1&v=jHFBltF44uo
She only had 600 bucks left, so she decided to blow it all on an amazing, SNL-inspired lark. The statement was, "This song from a 1999 animated film about censorship had a word censored from its Oscar performance," and she responded with the question, "What is the love ballad of turd ferguson ps hi mom :)." Trebek actually read it out (except he didn't say the phrase "smiley face," which would've been even more great). In case you live under a rock and need some context for why this is funny, here's one of the SNL"Celebrity Jeopardy" clips where Norm MacDonald plays Burt Reynolds as Turd Ferguson (start it at 3:40):
Woah: between his shrill voice, condescending tone, and apocalyptic visions, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is the second coming of Church Lady, Dana Carvey's best non-Garth character from Saturday Night Live. He even makes that weird, pucker-y face! Slate edited a video that showed just how uncanny the resemblance is.
Maybe he's actually trying to sound like Church Lady? Cruz has done comedy voices before, like in this audition for The Simpsons.
Texas police may have violated the rights of 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed, who brought a clock to school that teachers assumed was a bomb.
Getting ready to visit the White House.
Irving, Texas police likely violated the civil rights of Ahmed Mohamed when they questioned him without his parents or an attorney present. The story has already created a national news frenzy and broad support for Ahmed on the Internet, including from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and President Obama. Police reportedly denied Ahmed's requests to call his parents during his interrogation, which is quite clearly prohibited by Texas law:
A child may not be left unattended in a juvenile processing office and is entitled to be accompanied by the child’s parent, guardian, or other custodian or by the child’s attorney.
During a press conference, Irving Police Chief Larry Boyd was unable to answer reporters when asked why Ahmed was denied a call to his parents. Scrutiny over how the police handled Ahmed's arrest and questioning now includes close involvement from the Texas chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union. So let's hope that both the Irving police and school board have polished their public speaking skills. They're going to need them.
It's weird that Nicole Arbour hates fat people so much when without them she never would have gotten to be on The View.
YouTube rabblerouser Nicole Arbour was on The View yesterday, and even Whoopi Goldberg couldn't make her say "I'm sorry" for her "Dear Fat People" video. Joy Behar called Arbour out for not actually being concerned about anyone's health, Michelle Collins called her out for randomly referring to her rant as "satire," and Whoopi called her out for avoiding the subject. But Arbour held her stance, which is, basically, that she's hilarious and fat people suck. She also pointed out that she gets more flack than boy bullies, which is probably true, but still not a super convincing justification for bullying. Then she said she wanted to be like a guy in Entourage with her own guy named Turtle rolling her joints, at which point Raven-Symoné had to shut the whole conversation down.
On the one hand, it's tough to get pumped for the 2020 election with the 2016 race already so exhausting, but the 2020 competition is Bound 2 be the most exciting one yet.
Kanye West, while accepting his Video Vanguard Award at the VMAs a few weeks ago, announced not only that he was sorry for interrupting Taylor Swift years ago, but also that he was running for president.
A SuperPAC has already sprung up, making his candidacy official. The Political Action Group Yeezus 2020, while "not authorized by any candidate or any candidate's committee," has begun the work of campaigning, in the form of pitch-perfect ads that take on every classic election trope. We got B-Roll of families, soundbites galore, and patriotic drumming.
The Center for American Progress included this eye-opening graph in a recent report.
Yikes.
You're not misreading that: more Americans have been shot to death in the US in the last 25 years than have been killed in battle… ever. You can read into that statistic whatever your personal politics wants you to, but one conclusion is unavoidable: that's fucked up.
To be fair, the number of soldiers killed in war refers specifically to people killed on the battlefield – the number who've died generally in war is higher (about 1.1 million according to the Department of Veterans Affairs). But at most, that lowers the WTF quotient by 4%.
This chart comes from a report by the Center for American Progress. Titled "Right of Reagan," the report describes how the current Republican presidential candidates mythologize Ronald Reagan as a conservative icon, while their policies are actually much more radically right-wing than his ever were. For one, he was willing to stand up to the NRA, enforcing background checks for weapons despite their objections. If not for that, imagine how much worse this graph would look today.
This mom reminded her 13-year-old son what she does for him with zero subtlety.
Tough roommate rules, man.
Estella's 13-year-old son Aaron was being disrespectful, and if I know teenagers that means being a total ass because your hormones are making you act like an insane person. According to Estella's explanation of the now-viral note, Aaron makes "a teeny bit on money" from YouTube, and thought that meant he deserved more independence. She wrote him a note explaining what true independence meant. Here's the full text of the note:
Dear Aaron,
Since you seem to have forgotten you are only 13, and I'm the parent, and that you won't be controlled, I guess you will need a lesson in independence, Also, as you threw in my face that you are making money now, it will be easier to buy back all the items I bought you in the past. If you would like your lamp/light bulbs or access to the internet, you will need to pay for your share of costs.
Rent - $430
Electricity - $116
Internet - $21
Food - $150
Also, you will need to empty the trash Mon, Wed, & Friday, as well as sweep & vaccum [sic] those days. You will need to keep your bathroom clean weekly, prepare your own meals, and clean up after yourself. If you fail to do so, I will charge you a $30 maid fee for every day I have to do it. If you decide you would rather be mychild again, instead of roommate, we can renegotiate terms.
Love,
Mom
Estella included this status in her Facebook post with the note:
The child is going to have a rude awakening today after the words he exchanged with me last night. Not only will be find this on the door, but his mattress stripped, and the toys and clothes that I bought confiscated. He will have three options.. Buy his own, rent his clothes at $3 a day, or renegotiate his terms of being a child. Mama's done playing games and being a doormat.
Initially, Aaron got angry and staged a "sit-in" in his mom's room, saying "Really? What are you going to do? You can't take my stuff," but they eventually came to an agreement.
Part of the reason this note went viral is because people think she is shaming her son publicly to get attention, which she says is not true, and that she shared the note publicly "on accident"—intending for it only to be seen by family and friends. Either way, this note ranks rather low on the shaming spectrum.
Asif Raza Rana, a man in Gujranwala, Pakistan, took to Facebook to announce both a devastating breakup and an exciting rebound. In a combination of Word Art and manually drawn Xs, Rana made his message clear: his friendship with Mudasir has ended, and now Salman is his best friend.
The picture has gone viral, and according to the Daily Pakistan, "is getting a steady stream of comments, many from concerned mutual friends and helpful strangers."
Mudasir himself commented on the photo, saying, "Mistake my foot, it is not my job to coach him [or fix him up]," to which Rana responded, "Mudasir, you don’t know how to be a friend. If you think friendship is a toy then you will get a toy in return, now go away." Daaaaaaaaaamn.
Rana explained the nature of these new developments on Twitter:
Mudasir was a good friend until 10 September he report my pic on facebook and now he is alone and I have so many friends Because I was right
