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The 5 best celebrity selfies of the week: Stuff in their mouths edition.

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When celebrities share selfies, sometimes they're giving us insight into a part of their lives. Sometimes they're showing off their rich-people eyebrows. Here are the five best celeb selfies from the past week. (Astute readers might recognize a theme.)


1. Miley Cyrus eats panties for breakfast.

https://instagram.com/p/7-23eOQzNn/

 


2. Sarah Michelle Gellar will just hold these spoons in her mouth.

https://instagram.com/p/75zyhlMY1V/

3. Hillary Duff is flat out wronged by Starbucks.

https://instagram.com/p/7-_2DyNTbu/

4. LeBron James enjoys a refreshing smoothie.

https://instagram.com/p/75nVpliTBN/

5. Sofia Vergara can get away with anything.

https://instagram.com/p/74E4s4LpZ5/

 


Porn stars describe the most outrageously pornographic things they've ever done.

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This may be the censored version of this interview, but it's still extremely descriptive. Wood Rocket interviewed some famously kinky porn stars on what their kinkiest sex scenes have been so far. They asked Nikki Darling, Roxanne Rae, Mona Wales, and...hey, some of these names sound like they might be made up! Some of the things they've done are very kinky indeed, so put on your headphones if you're at work and get ready to open yourself to new ideas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Audk7bg6JZk

If there's one thing this video makes clear (besides how unimaginative the general populace is about what they can put in their assh*le), it's that what counts as sex varies widely amongst different people. Most folks probably wouldn't describe getting water boarded as a sexual act, but if that's what does it for you...please have someone who knows what they're doing in the room. 

Colbert welcomes the Pope to New York, tries to convince him to come on the show.

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Stephen Colbert is a Catholic, and a superfan of Pope Frankie, the coolest pope since Pope John XXIII. Last night on The Late Show, Colbert and crew poped it up with a new popening for the Tour De Francis (the pope is in New York today).

Colbert is welcoming Frank to town with a short history lesson, and a low-key greeting that "stays true to his humble nature."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yxCwuKSnMI

 

Stephen also serenaded the pontiff in hopes of getting him on the show, assuring him (with help from Carole King) that he is a friend the pope can trust. Now that's an offer the pope can't refuse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvx1EtIxX7Y

 

Nick Jonas officially has the most front teeth of any celebrity.

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BuzzFeed discovered that Nick Jonas has a third front tooth on Wednesday. While the Internet has been discussing Nick Jonas' various body parts for quite some time now, this is certainly a scientific breakthrough in Jonas anatomical studies. Take a look at the findings:

Sample 1A:

Sample 1B:

Sample 2A: 

Sample 2B:

Sample 3A:

Sample 3B:

Our conclusion? Nick is still a handsome devil, albeit a three-toothed one.

Seasonal

Science says your drinking problem probably isn't an addiction. Time to celebrate with shots!

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If you've ever thought you should stop drinking, you probably should. In fact, drinking to excess is responsible for 88,000 deaths every year. But just because you're drinking enough to black out and put yourself in life-threatening danger doesn't mean you have a problem. According to a new study by the CDC and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, nine out of ten excessive drinkers in the US aren't actually addicted. So now they have no excuse.

This guy's gonna be just fine.

According to the study, most heavy drinkers engage in binge drinking, a pattern of consuming enough alcohol to become drunk in a short period of time. But even people who binge drink frequently aren't usually dependent on alcohol. So when they tell you they can stop whenever they want, they might (gasp!) be telling you the truth.

In fact, the study found that while roughly one in three adult Americans drinks excessively, only one in thirty is a clinical alcoholic. That's only 3.5%, which may come as a shock to anyone who's been to college.

Healthy people having unhealthy fun.

But don't celebrate yet. (In fact, if this news makes you want to celebrate, you might be an alcoholic.) The authors of the study don't mean it to be an endorsement of heavy drinking – far from it. They want the problem of excessive drinking to be addressed differently from alcohol dependence as a public health issue. Bob Brewer, the head of the CDC's Alcohol Program, told The Washington Post that,

Knowing that nine out of 10 people who drink too much are not alcohol dependent in no way diminishes the impact of alcohol dependence as a problem. It just says the problem we're dealing with is bigger than that. We need to look at this problem with a wider-angle lens and consider not just treatment for those who need it.

It's all about preventative care. After all, it's easier to help a frequent binge drinker learn to control their drinking than to wait until they develop an addiction. And it significantly reduces the chances that they'll ruin their health or die from alcohol-related conditions. Not to mention it will make them much less obnoxious at parties. Everyone benefits from that.

Nobody wants to be this guy.

From a medical perspective, alcoholics are distinguished by withdrawal symptoms when they stop drinking, as well as multiple unsuccessful attempts to quit. They tend to keep drinking for years, despite the fact that they acknowledge major problems in their lives directly caused by alcohol. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you can find resources at this page from the National Institutes for Health.

Based on the study, Brewer recommends certain governmental measures to help control binge drinking across the country. These include raising the price of alcohol and restricting the distribution of liquor licenses. Honestly, that's where he lost us. Obviously excessive drinking is a critical health problem, but nobody comes between us and our cheap wine.

Mom demands her son be allowed to vape at school. School unmoved.

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Sue Dunn, the mother of a 14-year-old from Manchester, England, complained to his school after they confiscated his vape. She supports her son Mason's use of e-cigs because she says they have helped him stop smoking regular cigarettes (which may be true, though it's still unclear if e-cigs are always useful for quitting smoking). 

"Can I live?"

Mason started smoking after his dad died two years ago. Last year, Mason's older brother bought him an e-cig to help him with his addiction. It was love at first sight. Mason stopped smoking cigarettes entirely, but after the school took away his vape, he relapsed. He found it frustrating:

It is really irritating because they shout at me when I have got a cigarette and tell me to stop and then when I try to quit, they tell me to stop doing that as well.

The school, Kearsley Academy, had the following response:

As a healthy school we encourage students to lead healthy lifestyles and to make healthy choices. [...] We offer students access to the school nurse and if necessary pathways such as the smoke cessation programme, if this is needed. [...] We will continue to work with and support Mason within the guidelines of our policy. [...] For the safeguarding of all our students, smoking, including the use of any nicotine inhalation devices are not allowed.

The school has since returned Mason's e-cigarette.  

Republicans, Democrats react to Boehner's sudden resignation, gracefully refrain from boner jokes.

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House Speaker John Boehner has announced he is leaving his seat in Congress at the end of October, presumably to move south and work on his tan during the winter. His greatest hits include the 16-day partial government shutdown of 2013, and many fierce fights with Democrats and even people of his own party. With the prospect of another government shutdown looming due to far right-wing Republicans being far right-wing Republicans, Boehner is stepping down. 

This is big news for Republicans, Democrats and Twitter comedians alike. With Boehner unable to tame the Tea Party wing of the GOP, his resignation truly marks that the extremists have won, and god knows what will happen in 2016.

Dems and Moderate Republicans are regretting the loss of a Republican they found reasonable, perpetual tears and all:

https://twitter.com/RepBarbaraLee/status/647439832885669888https://twitter.com/FoxBusiness/status/647442156559446016https://twitter.com/SenatorReid/status/647427526126661633https://twitter.com/andrhia/status/647431166052671488https://twitter.com/GetWisdomDude/status/647430541382418432

 

Unlike Congress, Twitter comedians always do their job:

https://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt/status/647418144370376704https://twitter.com/badbanana/status/647406926024851456

 

https://twitter.com/robdelaney/status/647426955986518016https://twitter.com/frankrichny/status/647420892130222081https://twitter.com/poniewozik/status/647413828909727744https://twitter.com/HeerJeet/status/647428890684592129

 

Conservative tweeters are having a party, hugging their guns with glee.

https://twitter.com/Ruach321/status/647409667052670976https://twitter.com/MarkDavis/status/647436203214675968https://twitter.com/michellemalkin/status/647408449232371713https://twitter.com/danieltobin/status/647427341115883520https://twitter.com/BrungerB/status/647426563315666944

 


Woman films terrifying 'ghost' trashing her kitchen. Worst. Roommate. Ever.

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A woman named Ashy Murphy uploaded this video of the freeloader poltergeist who has been trashing her kitchen to Facebook, and it immediately went viral. Half the people sharing it were crapping their pants over seeing a bonafide paranormal experience, the other half were racing to comment, "FAKE! FAKE! FAKE!" Be your own judge.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8k1yi7eDEo

This could certainly be faked, but the attention to terrible detail makes it very convincing. Filming in portrait? Check. Inconsistent exposure? Check. Shakey camera work? Check. Ireland also seems like a place ghosts would hang. They have great music and filling beer. 

On the other hand, we've been unable to locate Ashy Murphy on Facebook, which points to some sort of conspiracy. It's possible all the media attention was enraging her house guest further, and she deleted it for the sake of her lamp. Or the ghost deleted it? If spirits can get in your cabinets, they can get in your profile settings. Oh well. Guess this video won't be settling the "is there an afterlife" question once and for all.

Rape survivors wrote a letter to Lady Gaga to thank her for her new song.

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In response to Lady Gaga's song "Til It Happens To You," four rape survivors have written a letter thanking both Gaga and co-writer Diane Warren. The song was written for the documentary The Hunting Ground, which featured the stories of campus sexual assault victims Annie E. Clark, Andrea L. Pino, Sofie Karasek and Kamilah Willingham. These four women wrote to thank Gaga and Warren for what the song has done for other people in their position.

Gaga: as serious as those sleeves.

The Hollywood Reporter printed the letter:

Since we first came forward with our personal stories of sexual assault to our family, to the media and in The Hunting Ground, our lives have changed significantly... A burgeoning movement to end campus rape has swept to schools across the country, inspiring new educational initiatives, legislation, and, most importantly, a widespread community of support for survivors. Within this community, the four of us have carried the weight of pressuring our institutions to reform, and have dedicated ourselves to this effort.

The release of your song will have an unparalleled impact on the culture of campuses nationwide... Imagine a survivor who, after hearing your song, no longer feels isolated or alone. Picture that survivor’s friend, telling that survivor that it’s not her fault… We want to thank you both for having the courage to write and perform this song and for allowing your talent, your music, your lyrics and your voices to tell our stories.

Warren responded to the women's letter: “The letter from the survivors from the documentary The Hunting Ground that was sent to Lady Gaga and me made me cry. I am humbled by this brave and beautiful letter and being able to write a song that can not only speak to this cause but can hopefully help bring some healing as well.”

Gaga's dark yet inspiring music video for 'Til It Happens To You further shed light on campus sexual assault and brought additional attention to the song, which resounded all over the Internet. Hopefully it will resound on campuses around the country as well.

Liv Tyler says she’s a “second-class citizen” because she's 38 in Hollywood.

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Liv Tyler is the latest young, talented, beautiful actress to complain about how Hollywood treats aging women, making all of us normies feel like real grandma freaks. We know 37-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal is too elderly to play the love interest of a 55-year-old and that 32-year-old Anne Hathway is losing out on parts to less feeble actresses in their twenties.

https://instagram.com/p/78i1CPwQat/?taken-by=misslivalittle

Tyler, who is 38, confirms the bleak prospects for ancient post-29-year-olds in an interview with the More magazine (via The Wrap):

38 is a crazy number. It’s not fun when you see things start to change. When you’re in your teens or 20s, there is an abundance of ingenue parts which are exciting to play. But at [my age], you’re usually the wife or the girlfriend, a sort of second-class citizen. There are more interesting roles for women when they get a bit older.

That's so disheartening, especially considering it means the rest of us must be millionth class citizens.

This adorable little girl caught a five-pound, twenty-inch bass with her Barbie fishing pole.

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A young girl named Avery went on a father-daughter fishing trip this weekend and caught an enormous bass with her Barbie fishing pole. In the vidoe, you can see her dad tell her to keep reeling as she screams with excitement, until he pulls the fish out of the water and becomes completely dumbstruck by how big it is. The video will make you want to call up pop and spend a day on the lake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXYpJupNLSA

One thing's for sure: this family is all about that bass.

Too cool.

Pope makes Boehner cry like only everything can.

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The Pope spoke to a large crowd gathered outside the Capitol Building, and John Boehner didn't last three seconds without bawling his eyes out. It would be moving and beautiful (it has been a lifelong goal of Mr. Boehner to have a Pope speak to Congress) if it weren't for the fact that John Boehner cries at the drop of a hat.

It looks like so many tears have welled up inside his head that they went into his mouth first. It took all his lip-strength to not vomit tears directly onto Pope Francis.

John Boehner has been the Speaker of the House since 2011, and in that short time he has cried about a statue of Rosa Parks, a statue of Winston Churchill, and this one time some Irish music played on Saint Patrick's Day. It seems like there is little on this planet that won't make John Boehner cry. 

Blessed are the meek, but tone it down.

Now that Speaker Boehner is resigning from his seat in Congress, he will only be able to cry at things from afar. Private sob sessions are often much more intense than public ones for most people, but this man is different. If anything happens and Boehner isn't there to see it, does he still cry? My guess is that even in retirement, even if he never reads or watches the news, he'll be husking corn in a field in Ohio somewhere, and know in his bones that there's something out there to be cried over. And he will weep. He'll weep large Boehner tears.

Here's the full video if you'd like to see it. Maybe the large crowd just startled Mr. Boehner into crying. Or maybe this was an actual cathartic moment, as he, a Jesuit-educated man, finally lived to see a Jesuit Pope speak to the American people in person. Or it could have been literally anything. The guy just cries a lot.

https://youtu.be/268RC1GYFtI

 

3 simple ways to tell your friends they're wrong about everything.

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In Adam Ruins Everything, host Adam Conover employs a combination of comedy, history and science to dispel widespread misconceptions about everything we take for granted. The show premieres Tuesday 10/9C on truTV, and because we love ruining things too, we created these ecards you can use to ruin things for everyone you know on the Internet.

1. Always remember.

Ruin someone's day with this card.

2. The truth hurts.

Ruin someone's day with this card.

3. No taste.

Ruin someone's day with this card.

The show premieres Tuesday 10/9C on truTV.​

https://youtu.be/V1A-0Li9BHU

 


This Bachelorette contestant straight-up lied about about his Olympic past.

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Michael Turnbull got a little creative with his bio during Wednesday's Australian premiere of The Bachelorette. Turnbull is a retired soccer player who played goalie for the Melbourne Victory. He mentioned some fond memories from his career:

The highlight of my career was playing for Australia and the Socceroos and also the Sydney Olympic Games in 2000.

Bend (the truth) like Beckham.

This story led to a little fact-checking on the Internet. Viewers of The Bachelorette are a ravenous and relentless bunch; devouring the guilty pleasure of the show while they simultaneously tweet every second of the broadcast. And they took issue with Michael's claims, specifically that he ever played for the Socceroos or had playing time during the Olympics. His statements then drew attention from Socceroos fans too:

https://twitter.com/dale_roots/status/646621954242310144https://twitter.com/thurbs62/status/646644112226041856https://twitter.com/CameronAtfield/status/646906617980588032

Eventually, the Socceroos club and the head of Sydney Football Club had to jump in and lend Michael some support:

https://twitter.com/Socceroos/status/646987114152726528https://twitter.com/tpignata9/status/647340970036453376

The uproar did not go unnoticed, and Michael released a statement: 

I am very proud of my soccer career and all that I have achieved. I was honoured to be a part of the Australian team for the Sydney Olympics and during my time as a professional soccer player, I was lucky enough to play overseas. I commenced my career playing for the young Socceroos. Apologies for any confusion caused in regards to suggesting I played for the Socceroos. My main goal now is to find love on The Bachelorette.

Australia and Michael have both learned a valuable lesson: The Bachelorette is NOT for disingenuous people. It is for honest, sincere souls looking for true love, and don't ever forget that.

A woman wore a shirt with Arabic on it and got stopped by cops for being a potential terrorist.

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Miru Kim is an artist and photographer who lives in New York City. She was stopped yesterday for wearing a shirt with Arabic on it by two police officers who don't have enough to do with themselves. Kim posted about it on Instagram with a very unhappy looking selfie.

https://instagram.com/p/7_BextOyYn/?taken-by=miru_kim

Her caption reads:

I just got stopped by two police officers in downtown Manhattan just because I was wearing this shirt from an anti-Iraq war group called Granny Peace Brigade from 2006. They took all my info, address, apt. number, cellphone, right in front of my building. Are they serious, NYPD? Are they gonna call me a potential terrorist because I am wearing a shirt with Arabic on it? When did NYC become so xenophobic? 

#xenophobia #islamophobia#arabic #muslim #paranoia 

#ignorance#racism #freespeech #humanrights

The Granny Peace Brigade is literally a group of grandmothers who protest for peace, and they did share this shirt during one of their actions. About ten years ago. Wow, the Iraq War has been a part of our lives a long time! It's interesting that the officers were so intimidated by Arabic lettering, especially when the translation is right below it. Ironically, it means "we will not be silent." Maybe they thought the translation was a red herring, and the Arabic line actually said, "If you can read this, let's build a bomb together." It doesn't though!

Kim's frustration is understandable, especially when the cops' behavior was so illogical. Are they going to call her later and ask, "Are you suuuuuuure your t-shirt isn't a threat?" Somewhere in New York right now are two police officers trying to stop all translated language postings under suspicion of terrorism. Probably more than two, actually, since the Pope is in town and there's a lot of Italian signage to help him find his way around.

Jimmy Kimmel had celebrities read their mean tweets live all week. Here are all of them.

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Jimmy Kimmel devoted a full week to his best segment (as much as we love Sexy Twerk Fail and parents playing pranks on kids), bringing out celebs to read the meanest tweets about themselves in front of a live studio audience. It's fun to picture the celebrities chilling in the green room, commiserating about these varyingly creative insults with one another. Using phrases like "cat anus" and "fart breath," you could imagine that some of these words could really hurt the celebrities. But then again, they probably just wipe away their tears with money. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsKFsF2zpFM

 

Cat silently intimidates dog into shutting up like a little mobster.

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If you like dogs, you probably also like incessant yapping, so you may not be on the side of this kitty kat taking matters into its own paws. Greyscale was home alone with barking "friend" Chazz when the little gangster decided enough was enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu93UW0d__Q

Well, well, well, who's barking now, guy? Guess we know who to send if anyone needs to shake someone down for money or catnip.

Ashlee Simpson shared the first photos of her adorable, crazy-named baby.

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Ashlee Simpson shared two family photos on Instagram, giving us the first glimpse of her new baby, Jagger Snow Ross. Jagger Snow was born on July 30 and was given an unusual name, as per the rules of celebrity law. Simpson (singer and alt sister to Jessica) and husband Evan Ross (son of Diana) were just doing their duty as famous people, and now there are consequences. The consequences are really cute pics.

https://instagram.com/p/8BaDLUoRtL/https://instagram.com/p/8EAGZYIRmd/

Hopefully Jagger Snow's generation will give her mom's music the appreciation it deserves since our generation really dropped the ball.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJCsyLUCSXI

 

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