Flirting
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Someone is trolling megachurch preacher Joel Osteen's Facebook as "Joel Oldsteen."
Joel Osteen is a megachurch preacher and author who appears regularly on TV and radio, and who once accidentally told his followers to masturbate with friends. Joel Oldsteen, meanwhile, is a parody Facebook account from comedian Ben Palmer. Palmer has taken it upon himself to provide "helpful" replies to posts on Osteen's Facebook page, eight of which we've included below.
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This dog won an award for taking care of her friend who fell down a well. Dogs have awards?
Tillie the dog was named Washingtonian of the Day by Governor Jay Inslee for watching over her dog friend Phoebe who was trapped in a cistern for nearly a week. The two had been missing for several days on Vashon Island in Washington State when Tillie eventually managed to capture the attention of a local human before quickly returning to watch over Phoebe. As a basset hound, Phoebe's poor little legs weren't long enough to get her out of the cistern. For days, Tillie never left her guard post for long, always returning after trying to alert humans to the critical situation.
Luckily, a fortunate Tillie sighting led Vashon Island Pet Protection to locate both dogs and rescue Phoebe. They were reunited with their owner, BJ Duft, who accompanied them to the award ceremony at the governor's office. Tillie received an official written proclamation of her award, and a Washington apple pin on a ribbon that was tied around her neck.
True friendship is its own reward, but a fancy trip to the governor's office is pretty sweet too. The governor has only given out about 70 of these awards since taking office in 2013, which means humans in Washington need to step up their game. Additionally, Vashon Island has an unofficial mayoral election every year, and Tillie could be a top contender. Maybe she'll be the one to hand out awards one day.
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Watch a 103-year-old celebrate her birthday as Wonder Woman and never slow down.
103-year-old Mary Cotter recently decided to show up to her birthday dressed as the superhero she is: Wonder Woman. Cotter celebrated at Montclair Senior Center, where she's been volunteering for the past 25 years. She served coffee, tea, and water to her friends, insisting to be the host rather than be doted on:
They call me the barmaid because I'm serving drinks.
Using the word "barmaid" is about the only thing that indicates Mary is a centenarian. She lives alone and drives herself back and forth to the center, where she volunteers five days a week. Prior to donating much of her time at the senior center, she volunteered rescuing sea turtles well into her 90s.
Mary doesn't have any secrets to her longevity; she viewed her birthday and superhero regalia as just another day. It's safe to say that just like her favorite character, she really is a warrior princess. All those younger friends of hers at the senior center are lucky to have her.
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Toddler devastated to learn Adam Levine was married meets him and reacts much differently.
A 3-year-old girl who totally cried when she learned her crush Adam Levine is married got to meet him in person. Mila, the girl made famous from the viral video, did not seem particularly enthused about the rendevous. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has ever given a gift to a young child, expecting them to be floored by how awesome you are for bestowing it upon them. They often shrug, or worse yet play with the box or wrapping paper instead of the gift. Watch for yourself and imagine how you would react if Adam Levine popped out from behind a curtain with a single flower, creepily gesturing you towards him:
That sweet little girl may have cried about Adam Levine simply because she was past due for a snack or a nap. Or she may been entirely smitten with him, and then completely forgot. Because kids are infamous for that too. One minute they love Adam Levine, the next minute they positively have to take ballet lessons. Then they hate ballet and have to play the drums. And on it goes. Even if you got to meet your hero as a kid, it's doubtful you'd want to do it in front of a live studio audience with Ellen constantly trying to riff on your every word. At least she didn't have to say cute stuff and wait for Adam to spin around in a big red chair. Between freaking out kids and handing out sex dolls as wedding gifts, Ellen has been at that next level of weird lately.
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This might be the worst guess ever for a 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle.
This woman's guess on Wheel of Fortune was unfortunate for a whole bunch of reasons. The whole point of the game is to make guesses about letters that are not yet visible based on the letters you already have available. Additionally, every instance of a letter is revealed on the board. This guess just tossed those fundamentals out the window. And now it's on the internet for us to laugh with, pretending like we would never choke on a game show. It's fair to guess that a good chunk of the population would solve a puzzle in the form of a Jeopardy question, or just say "one dollar Bob" (even though Bob Barker has been retired for some time).
It's not as bad as botching a guess when you have two contestants instead of one. And certainly not so bad that Pat Sajak gets so angry at your dumb guess that he walks off the set. By the way, this contestant is a doctor, so if any of her patients get the wrong organ removed, this clip will one day play in a court of law.
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Justin Bieber said those nude photos of his pene showed shrinkage.
Justin Bieber caused a long, thick commotion in the news when nude pictures of him and his peeper emerged from a vacation in Bora Bora. Everyone in the world saw his penis, and everyone commented on it. Even his dad wrote a tweet about it. Bieber sat down with Access Hollywood to discuss his forthcoming album, life, and of course, those nude pictures. Here was his reaction to the paparazzi pictures seen 'round the world:
My first thing was like…how can they do this? Like, I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can't step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like, you should feel comfortable in your own space… especially that far away.
It is unfortunate that someone that famous can't even go to a remote island without being photographed. However, as for how they can do it, they use a long-range telephoto lens. Then they sell those images to the highest bidder. Then everyone sees your penis. And here's his reaction to that specific detail:
That was shrinkage for me.
Normally that would be a fair thing to say when there's water involved, but the average temperature in Tahiti for the month of October is 84 degrees Fahrenheit. And it looked like there may have been a hot tub in those pictures. So while it still impressed everyone, we can safely assume there was no shrinkage involved. And if he's a "shower" instead of a "grower," then perhaps it's not all that impressive. We'll have to wait for that answer from the next set of naked pictures that get leaked.
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Birthday
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Larry David was Bernie Sanders on 'SNL' and it was pretty, pretty, pretty perfect.
It's the best episode of "Bern Your Enthusiasm" yet. Beloved kvetcher Larry David fulfilled America's dreams of having him impersonate beloved kvetcher Bernie Sanders. Of course, it fulfills another Larry David dream as well. As David Itzkoff pointed out, "This is already more airtime than Larry David got when he WORKED at SNL." Who knows whether Bernie's promises of economic justice will ever come to pass, but at least he's secured sketch justice for Larry. Plus, it was a perfect impression, mostly because it wasn't really an impression at all. These impassioned old Jews from Brooklyn are birds of a feather, pointing out all the real problems in America, whether it's income inequality or the horrors of the "Stop and Chat." Here's SNL's take, feel the Bern:
To further celebrate their likeness, here's a video that matches the real Bernie with the iconic Curb soundtrack:
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Tracy Morgan brought a never-before-seen classic '30 Rock' clip to his 'SNL' monologue.
Blammo! Even more than the treat of seeing Larry David as Bernie Sanders, last night's SNL was notable for the host. The return of Tracy Morgan to SNL meant a return to 30 Rock, both the place and the show. In his monologue, Morgan explains how his life-threatening accident and loving homecoming were foretold on 30 Rock, which then cut to an "episode" from 2012, complete with ads for Smash and Animal Hospital, because 2012. Thank you to Obi-Wan Kenobi/Lorne Michaels, for making this happen.
It's good to see Tracy come home and recover from the accident we always assumed would happen as the result of a jealous narwhal rather than a careless Walmart driver.
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Tina Fey returned to 'Weekend Update' to lament the loss of nudes in Playboy.
Tina Fey returned to SNL last night to welcome back Tracy Morgan, and stopped by her old digs at the Weekend Update desk while she was there. Fey previously hosted the segment in a run so legendary there's an action figure to commemorate it. Because she's so at home telling jokes behind the desk, she raised the stakes by getting on it, demonstrating the poses she'll sadly never get to do as Miss February. With the loss of nudes, Playboy is having its Last F*ckable Day, but Fey never will.
Also, don't miss Larry David as Bernie Sanders on last night's SNL.
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Tracy Morgan's iconic Brian Fellow is back to celebrate interspecies friends.
Tracy Morgan's most iconic character other than Tracy Jordan and himself is Brian Fellow, host of Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. Morgan and the character were back last night (a night that also included cameos from Larry David and Tina Fey) to introduce us to Javier the Beaver and Elizabeth the Camel. Go on and party like it's 1999:
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Absurdly tasty-looking "slow cooker chocolate lava cake" is 30 seconds of viral deliciousness.
Lots of people photograph their food and lots of people make DIY videos, but not that often does a clip of food being made actually go viral. This crock-pot lava cake is a notable exception, and deservedly so. It's a 30-second clip that nonetheless tells you exactly how to make it (more or less), and it can be done with box ingredients (and eggs and milk). It's going viral because it's irresistible-looking, not because it's a magic trick like this guy who peeled a watermelon. and is so tasty looking that you may storm out of your house after watching it when you realize you have no sweets.
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Dad takes on Internet trolls, defends building a kickass DIY kitchen playset for his son.
A father who goes by sixstringhook on reddit recently posted photos of an impressive DIY project he and his wife had undertaken for their son. After going to Goodwill and dropping $20 on the sort of entertainment center that has been ubiquitous in American homes for decades (but are becoming less popular due to flatscreens), sixstringhook created a home version of a play kitchen.
It's got a fridge, a chalkboard, a sink, an oven (with LED lights that glow red inside) and an electric range (also outfitted with red LED lights). It has more space than most New Yorkers' kitchens and it's nicer to boot. The only problem is that it was for a boy.
Even though the thread has since been cleaned up by reddit's moderators, before that happened there was a surge of not-even-macho-just-stupid hate towards sixstringhook and his wife for thinking they should indulge their son's love of being in the kitchen.
Apparently, even though the world's highest-paid and most famous chefs are all men, it's only OK for boys to cook if it's in an all-steel kitchen where everyone has cocaine and rage problems. Really, Internet? Eventually, sixstringhook had to reply, and did so in such fashion that his response went even more viral than his project (some NSFW language within):
Well, going off of comments I have received both online, and in person regarding my wife and I's decision to make our SON a kitchen playset and several "daughter" comments and "but he is a boy", let me be perfectly blunt.
Fuck you. Any time we go to our local science center, or to the children's museum, he always wants to play in the kitchen playset area. He always wants to watch us cook and likes being involved, so we thought this would be a good idea.
Furthermore, if my kid wanted a barbie doll i would get it for him. If that is what he wants, then that is what he wants. Its his decision what he wants to play with. Not mine.
EDIT So it seems like people are confused as to why I said this. Prior to this hitting front page, there were comments on the post that were extremely negative in regards to my wife and I making our son a kitchen playset. People called our 2 year old son a faggot, claimed that we were going to turn him gay, things like that. The majority of those comments were either deleted by the people who posted them, or were deleted by the moderators.
I want to thank everyone for the nice comments! My wife and I have enjoyed reading them and appreciate the support from everyone. We worked really hard on this and our son has really enjoyed playing with his new kitchen. Also, we plan on making him a toy workbench as well because he also enjoys playing with toy tools.
As far as my comment on if he wants to play with a barbie doll...again, let me stress this. HE IS 2. I have seen him get excited and play with a broom. Ya'll need to chill. Kids are going to play with what they want, and if you try to prevent them from doing something as harmless as playing with the toy they want to play with, they are going to end up resenting you.
Woah, that kid is two years old and already playing with kitchen stuff? I know there was a lot of other stuff in there but I suddenly felt inadequate thinking about how advanced my interests were at two years old. Anyway, good for this kid's parents.
Not only is gendering activities largely a stupid and retrograde practice—it's pointless. You can encourage your child's interests as they arrive or try to introduce them to new ones, but at the end of the day people go a lot further in life when they get to practice what they're interested in. Also, is anyone else really hungry now?
Here's the full DIY album from sixstringhook:
Kitchen playset from an old entertainment center my wife and I made for my son's 2nd birthday.↧
The poster for the new 'Star Wars' movie is gloriously new and totally 'Star Wars.'
Did you hear about the new Star Wars movie? You know, Star Wars: The Force Awakens? Of course you have, you're a responsible citizen of the Internet and the planet. But did you know that there actually wasn't a poster for it before today? Crazy, right? Well, that glaring omission has been corrected now with this glorious piece of color-theory-filled movie art. Can you spot the real star of this poster? It should be deathly obvious once you find it.
Apparently, the few Imperials who survived apparently think they've figured out how to close all the exhaust ports on the Death Star. Either that, or the giant-laser-like thing on the new battle station's side is actually just an engine for flying the eff away from Jedis and living in peace in another galaxy. Which is how they found Earth. *Mindsplosion*
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Do not disturb.
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John Oliver, Mike Myers, and a moose will make you feel 'sorey' for not caring about the Canadian election.
Hello, sorey to interrupt your workflow on this fine Monday morning. Today is an important day in Canadian history — not only are the Toronto Blue Jays playing the Kansas City Royals in the American League Division series, but Canadians will be going to the polls to an elect a new government. Pardon my French, but this sh*t is important. Islamophobic douche (douche is proper French, yo) Stephen Harper might finally be dethroned after almost ten years. John Oliver is here to make you care, and even enlisted Canadian actor Mike Meyers to help. It's party time. Excellent.
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Bride's generous family finds way to turn a groom's cold feet into lemonade. Not literally.
In what will be a great twist in the movie version of this story, a groom who got cold feet just a few days before the wedding indirectly ended up feeding the city's homeless for a night. Bride Quinn Duane was all set to get married and have a fancy reception until the groom called it off. Having already spent $35,000 on the affair, the bride's family figured they'd take the opportunity to give back and not have the food go to waste. They reached out to a local homeless shelter and invited people to a feast at one of Sacramento's finest hotels. The food was a four-star feast, but no word yet on the caliber of the cake.
It was a great way to make lemonade out of lemons, and meant a lot to the community. As KCRA writes,
Rashad Abdullah arrived with his wife and five children. Plates overflowing with food, the family ate like royalty. It was a stark contrast to their usual struggle just to eat three meals a day.
“When you’re going through a hard time and a struggle for you to get out to do something different and with your family, it was really a blessing,” Abdullah said.
The food was a four-star, fancy feast, but no word yet on what the cake was like. Good job, Duane family. Here's hoping the next wedding includes both a mitzvah and a marriage.
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New photos of Chris and Liam Hemsworth's hot parents show where they got their looks.
There's a new movie coming out starring Liam Hemsworth and Kate Winslet called The Dressmaker and the Hemsworths family all trotted out en masse to the Melbourne premiere this weekend. Liam is shirtless in the movie, but at this point their parents must be pretty used to seeing their kids strut their stuff up on the big screen, what with Chris being Thor and all. They're also probably used to looking at themselves and how hot they are every day:
Guess the blonde god-like apples didn't fall far from the Wowza Tree, huh? Here's the trailer for The Dressmaker if you want to take a little peek at those pecs:
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Ariana Grande spoke out (or rather, tweeted out) against the sexist way magazines are sold.
Pop star Ariana Grande is pushing back against the way women's and men's magazines are sold. She decided to speak tweet about this issue after it was called out by her mom, who apparently has 225,000 Twitter followers (did you even know that?).
According to Joan Grande's Twitter bio and picture, she's the CEO of a company that designs marine communication equipment and she stands with Planned Parenthood. Sounds like a cool broad. She tweeted side-by-side photos of "women's interest" and "men's interest" magazine sections at a store. (Possibly in an airport, possibly at a magazine mall, there's not a lot of information.) Mama Grande asked, "What's wrong with this picture?"
Her sweet, donut-licking daughter replied, "oh! so women are only interested in tabloids& if I want to read about cars, business, science I have to go to the MEN'S section?"
And she was just getting started! She also tweeted that she hates America! No, she didn't. But she had more to say tweet on the matter, and she thanked her "feminist mama" for starting this convo Twitter interaction.
Her feminist mama was showered in the kind of likes and retweets that most CEOs of marine communication equipment never see.
And, of course, like any good Twitter rant, Ariana Grande concluded by calling out the shamers.
Wow, it's almost enough to make you forget she licked a donut and said she hated America. Almost.
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