This week was action packed and holiday scented. Some celebrated the miracle of Hanukkah, others celebrated the birth and naming of Kanye's baby son (this guy called the name six months ago). Ongoing debates over guns, terrorism and Donald Trump competed with raucous holiday music. 'Tis the season...for the Top 43 Tweets of The Week!
The top 43 tweets of the week as picked by someone who spends way too much time on Twitter.
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This groom wrote a sappy post about why he ditched his own surprise bachelor party at a strip club.
A daddy blogger (for some reason, that sounds much pornier than "mommy blogger") wrote a post on Facebook last week about why he decided to skip the "surprise" strip club bachelor party his friends had planned for him. The post ended up being shared over 16 thousand times, probably exclusively with the caption "Hint, hint."
The post reads:
Why I Didnt Attend My Bachelor's Night
I didnt attend my bachelor's party. The traditional last "hoorah" before becoming committed to one girl for the rest of my life. My friends planned a surprise trip to the hottest strip joints in Toronto, and well, I didnt show up.
Why did I not go?
Because I didnt need a last "hoorah" and I was already committed to my one and only for the rest of my life. I was already in my best adventure with the girl I love for the rest of life. My wedding was to celebrate that. I didnt need a night of meaningless drinking and touching other women to prepare my commitment to the girl I love. I wonder how did that tradition even came about.
I have attended my friend's bachelor's parties and trust me when I say, its definitely not going to be OK with their future wives. But hey, I guess thats what the bro code is for, right? To keep the secrets of the bachelor's party from the poor girl who is going to marry this asshole. I am sure that there are still some good guys out there who just has a dinner with the boys and call it a night but 80% of bachelor's parties consists of some very kinky activities that should best be a secret or it might scar the marriage.
The thing I never quite understood is, what exactly is a bachelor's party for? Was it to celebrate a guy entering a marriage or to remind him what he was supposedly "giving up" for the marriage.
I chose to stay in with my wife and although I pissed some of my friends off by not showing up for my surprise party, I know I made the right choice. She will always be my choice, and I will spend my bachelor's night with the person who was going to change that status forever.
You could have just said that you didn't want to go to a strip club because you didn't want to pay $15 for a plate of hot wings.
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Fitness couple who post lovey-dovey workout pics are huge on Instagram and will make you barf.
Dream Team Fitness, A.K.A. Jesper Lekland and Amanda Wallander, are an incredibly attractive and fit Swedish couple whose Instagram account has grown wildly popular, both because people love to look at them and because other people hate to look at them. They're like a real life Barbie and Ken, but because they're actually attractive and healthy, not freaks who attempt to look that way through plastic surgery. Apparently, their entire lives are spent working out, kissing, or going to the beach. That's it. No talking, no going to the bathroom. They are just ripped and gorgeous. Even people with no interest in voyeurism would enjoy watching these two go at it:
You know who has the hardest job of all? The poor soul who has to photograph these two. It's not easy to take a good picture when you're trying not to simultaneously barf and scream.
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Article 16
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20 of the biggest hypocrites to ever post on Facebook.
Because Facebook automatically gives everyone an audience of hundreds, and sometimes thousands, people are naturally inclined to use it as a soapbox. Sometimes they do so with good intentions, but most of the time, they end up looking like idiots. What's even more satisfying than seeing someone publicly display their stupidity is when they get called out on it. Here is a collection of Facebook's best hypocrites. They will remind you that if you don't have anything that isn't preachy to say, you probably shouldn't say anything at all.
1. This self-hating man twerker.
2. This dude who is conflicted about cars.
3. This humblebragger.
4. This English professor.
5. This quote-stealer.
6. This reckless driver.
7. This narcissistic adventurer.
8. This complainer.
9. This shallow guy pretending to be deep.
10. This conflicted comedian.
11. This humble preacher.
12. This redundant redundant guy.
13. This hater pretending not to be a hater.
14. This self-promoter.
15. This "Adult Store" patron.
16. This secret Bieber lover.
17. This apostrophe abuser.
18. This not-so-virginal virgin.
19. This subtweeter on Facebook.
20. This "we get it" guy.
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The 'Downton Abbey' cast tried American accents and made all Americans realize how uncultured they sound.
On Wednesday night's Late Show, Stephen Colbert asked a few Downton Abbeycast members to read a scene from the show using American accents. Colbert explained that when Americans watch the BBC show, "we hear that accent, and we think of it as very classy." The experiment was supposed to examine if the show would seem as elegant with a new style of speaking, but the cast members went for pretty hilarious portrayals of American dodos. Is it possible Michelle Dockery, Hugh Bonneville, and Allen Leech are making fun of us?
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Article 13
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Single lady's hilarious Christmas cards will make you feel less lonely in your singledom.
For six years running, Bridget, the only single sister of the Redditormacdubs, has been winning the holidays with her hilariously self-deprecating Christmas cards. While families send Christmas cards to show off their perfect brood (under the guise of wishing you a happy holidays), Bridget tells it like it is, one-upping herself every year with stylish odes to solitude.
Here's the full Bridget Collection™:
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Amy Schumer, President Obama, every other celebrity made a powerful, strangely fun gun violence PSA.
The gun violence epidemic continues to endanger American lives every day, and after years of somber speeches after frequent mass shootings, Obama is trying a new tactic. This week, Everytown for Gun Safety released a powerful PSA featuring influential figures Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Jennifer Aniston, Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, and, yes, President Obama. The music is peppy rather than somber, which is at first disorienting, but then empowering. This cause deserves utmost energy and enthusiasm, and getting involved is a way to have something in common with cool people like Julianne Moore and Michael J. Fox.
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This supercut of 2015's best news bloopers is so funny, you'll almost wish you still watched the news.
Between an anchor pronouncing "Pepsi" as "meth," another anchor wishing you a"dry hump day" with respect to the weather, and a sports reporter discussing the surgery on an athlete's "herniated dick," TV news can be NSFW. The generous souls at NewsBeFunny compiled the best bloopers of the year, and it is 15 minutes of pure joy.
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This video shows Lena Dunahm's doppelgänger in the audience during her speech.
Earlier this week, Girls creator Lena Dunham spoke at the Hollywood Reporter's 2015 Women in Entertainment breakfast. She also simultaneously watched herself speak from the audience. Or at least it appeared that way in video from the event. As someone at Jezebel discovered, Dunham seems like she is onstage and then sitting at a table (all the way to the right of the frame) at the same time:
So what's the deal? Are your eyes deceiving you? Does Dunham have an hourglass necklace that lets her travel backward in time so she can take more classes at Hogwarts? Does she have an identical twin who works full-time warding off all the trolls who constantly harass her so at least one of them has time to run a TV show? Is the footage doctored to protect someone who was never supposed to be in the audience of Hollywood Reporter's 2015 Women In Entertainment breakfast? Someone who is, perhaps, a man?
The Hollywood Reporter told Jezebel:
Thanks for catching the mistake. Our editor was working quickly at our event and pulled from the wrong B-roll. It has been updated.
So it was all just an innocent mix-up. Or was it?
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Article 8
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A man bought socks from a store and found an extremely disturbing note inside.
A man bought socks from a Primark store in Huddersfield, England, but when he brought them home, he found something very strange inside. Folded up in one of the socks was a handwritten note in Chinese. He and his daughter, Lucy Kirk, had the note translated, only to find that it told a very unsettling story, and included a desperate cry for help. Lucy shared the note on Twitter in the hopes of getting help for the author, Ting Kun Ding.
Here's the rough translation they were able to come up with:
The note, which was essentially a much more horrible version of a "message in a bottle," has several disturbing implications, not the least of which is that socks sold in a major U.K. retailer are being made by Chinese prison labor. Primark quickly responded to Lucy, hoping to avoid another P.R. disaster like this summer's breastfeeding scandal:
But she was having none of it.
Of course, some people on Twitter doubted if the note was real. While there are elements of this story that seem less believable, Lucy responded to all the doubters with cool-headed reason.
Others jumped into the conversation, doing detective work on their own to try and defend or discredit the note.
Lucy, meanwhile, has been put in the awkward position of being forced to defend the note, even though she doesn't know for sure if it's real or not.
If the note is a hoax, it certainly seems very unlikely that she's behind it. And most people who found a note like that would feel compelled to share it. In the end, it would be a great relief if it were a fake. Because if it's real, that's truly terrifying.
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Kris Jenner wants to trademark the phrase 'proud mama.'
Kris Jenner is trying to trademark the phrase, hashtag, and all around status of "Proud Mama." TMZ reports that everyone's favorite momager is trying to trademark #ProudMama for "advertising purposes," because it's been an indispensable part of her #personalbrand on #socialmedia.
She uses it for wholesome photos...
...and the sexier ones, too.
If this goes through, the matriarch will be milking even more money from the public. All moms, no matter how proud, will have to ask Kris if they can hashtag their advertisement with the phrase #ProudMama, or Kris will see their asses (which are in no way as great as Kim's) in court.
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'The Daily Show' makes their correspondent a 'good guy with a gun' and finds he can't stop mock shootings.
Last night, The Daily Show with Trevor Noah tried to test the theory that mass shootings can be stopped by just "one good guy with a gun" (as the NRA likes to put on t-shirts). They did this by making correspondent Jordan Klepper get a concealed weapons permit. They then tested his ability to take down a shooter by putting him in a law enforcement-approved school shooting simulation. Klepper—who now has a concealed weapons permit that's valid in thirty states!—didn't do so hot. In fact, he ended up accidentally shooting a civilian and was mistaken as the "bad guy" by law enforcement.
You can watch part one of Klepper's report here. As Vox points out, multiple simulations have shown that most good guys with guns aren't able to stop mass shooters, and many of those "good guys" even make things worse.
Also, NRA? Those t-shirts of yours are ugly. I know, this is besides the point, but come on:
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81-year-old grandmother completes 'beer mile' race and wishes it involved scotch.
Elvira "Vera" Montes, an 81-year-old grandmother, completed the 2015 FloTrack Beer Mile World Championships in Austin on Dec.1. A beer mile takes place on a 1/4 mile track, and runners must chug a beer before every lap. So participants pound four beers in less than 30 minutes while running. Montes not only completed it in 20 minutes, she beat her 47-year-old daughter! Her son-in-law was unable to finish the race and will likely never live it down. Vera is one of those rare super-cool grandmas, like the one that lost her sh*t when Taylor Swift brought Mick Jagger out at a concert. She's not much of a beer fan, though, and had this to say after the race:
I'm not a big beer drinker. I like beer when the weather is real hot and there's nothing else to drink. I'm really a scotch drinker, Chivas if it's available. If it was scotch we were drinking instead of beer, I would have run a lot faster.
Everyone should aspire to be this healthy and kickass when they're 81. Hopefully she continues to run and drink with the best of them. And now she has bragging rights over her daughter and son-in-law forever.
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A major newspaper issued a correction after making the funniest punctuation error of this election.
It only takes one superfluous apostrophe to make a candidate look cruelly xenophobic. Canadian newspaper The Globe and Mail printed a correction Friday after making a delightfully amusing punctuation error in a story about Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton's spin on professional egotist Donald Trump's hateful declarations about Muslims.
On Wednesday, the paper mistakenly reported that Clinton had tweeted "Love Trump's Hate." As in, "Oh man, this Trump guy really knows how to hate stuff. I admire that. #Aspirational." In reality, she had tweeted "Love trumps hate," a clever little turn of phrase that her campaign turned into a sticker.
In other words, she was saying the exact opposite. It's a good reminder that a misused apostrophe can completely change the meaning of a sentence. And anyway, your probably really irritated when you're friends use "your" and "you're" incorrectly. Its so aggravating to see an apostrophe missing or randomly in a place it does'nt belong!
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John Legend always wanted to bang pregnant women, and now he gets to.
John Legend is so excited for his wife Chrissy Teigen's first pregnancy—and not just because he's a proud dad. The singer also just thinks it makes his model wife look hot, he told Us Weekly in an interview published yesterday. "I told her before that I was always attracted to pregnant women, but I never actually had one myself, so now I’m excited to be with a beautiful, pregnant woman," he said. It makes this pregnancy photo take on a different hue, doesn't it?
Teigen will be happy to hear it, though. "I think she gets a little self-conscious," Legend said. "You know it’s weird when you’re used to looking a certain way, and then all of a sudden you have this new thing growing inside you that changes the way you look. It affects everybody." It affects Legend specifically in the groin area.
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Yas queen! Hillary Clinton is going to be on 'Broad City.' No word on if she'll smoke weed.
Hillary Clinton was on the set of Broad City today, and she'll appear in an episode of the third season. She's having quite a year in entertainment, with an appearance on Saturday Night Livein October and an interview with Lena Dunham. She tweeted a picture of herself on the Broad City set with Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, and executive producer Amy Poehler. That's quite a crew:
Here's a shot of the girls and Hillary from behind the camera:
And one more shot of the squad for good measure:
Everyone will have to wait and see what wacky antics Hillary gets into during the episode. It's safe to assume the episode won't focus on heavy drug use or pegging.
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Will Ferrell and Billy Eichner got pedestrians in the Christmas spirit by screaming at them.
Will Ferrell joined comedian Billy Eichner to scream at strangers for a new holiday-themed Billy on the Street segment. And while other celeb guests who have been on the show seem to get physically dragged around by Billy, Ferrell matched the host's manic energy 100%. The man who played the elf in Elf isn't exactly going to be publicly chill about Christmas, you know? This edition also seemed to include more stunned recognition than usual of the celeb in question. That last woman is going to remember her epic celebrity pointing experience for the rest of her waking life.
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