There's was one other person who was even more disappointed than Miss Colombia, and that's Donald Trump. He was watching along at home with dozens of others, while tweeting positively about the company he sold the Miss Universe pageant to, IMG.
That's when Steve Harvey misread the ridiculously simple ballot. When the "honest mistake" went down, Donald Trump knew exactly who could have prevented it: himself. He tweeted this Monday morning:
That's right. The Donald would have built a huge wall around Human Error and kept it from getting out at a live broadcast. It would've been great. Huge! Too bad he sold the pageant for a record price before he could kill Steve Harvey onstage with a tactical air strike or something.
If Donald Trump really does have some sort of cure that keeps people from saying stupid things, he should probably take a pill and stop tweeting already.
Rebecca Dunbar was waiting in line to meet Santa at a mall in St. Catharines, Ontario, when one of her year-old twins began to fuss and needed to be nursed, so she nursed him. Because she was next in line, Dunbar made a joke about how funny it would be if they continued for the picture, and Santa and the photographer got in on the bit.
The most offensive part is the Comic Sans.
Because this is the Internet, people commented that they were offended, and also that she was just doing it for attention:
Here's how you do it: wait until someone brings up Donald Trump at Christmas dinner. Interrupt to bring up the equally important Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik news. Enjoy the all-too-brief moment of confused silence and then slip out the back door to drive off into the moonlight.
Drew McWeeny of HitFix was supposed to interview actor Tom Hardy last Thursday during a press junket about his role in the upcoming brofest, The Revenant. The Internet considers Tom Hardy the cutest bro ever, but apparently in person he can be less than gracious. Like he didn't even show up. McWeeny's Twitter tirade about his no-good, terrible time waiting for Hardy started later that night, beginning with a few "subtweets:"
Hmm, who could he be talking about? Lucky for us, McWeeny did not go to off to bed. He stayed up and sprayed far more direct vitriol about what a delicate flower Tom Hardy is:
Six years ago, before any official announcements, The Simpsons eerily and accurately anticipated what the weekend of December 18th, 2015 would look like at the movies. Much like how they warned America about President Trump back in 1999, the clairvoyants at The Simpsons knew that Lucasfilm would make a good Star Wars to compensate for the prequels and restore the franchise to the glory of the original trilogy. But, the scary part is that they knew Episode VII would go up against the revolutionary Alvin and the Chipmunksfilms.
Usually, the title "employee of the month" is an honorific that is given to you. But this pet store employee decided it was something to be seized by posting a homemade flyer praising himself as an exemplary employee-of-the-month, with testimonials from NASA, PetSmart, and customers ("Why does he keep touching the lizards like that?"). Oh, and it was his last day at work.
If nothing else is true, at least that puppy seems to like him.
Paul Terry, 26, was picked up by police this weekend in Tulsa, Oklahoma and charged with armed robbery after the victim of the home invasion described Terry's hilariously identifiable tattoos—devil horns, a Nazi SS symbol, a lipstick kiss and "Fuck Cops" scrawled where his eyebrows should be. Almost as impressive as his absolutely terrible face in this mugshot is his serene expression, which seems to say "Yes, I've finally found where I belong—in jail, forever."
Terry was arrested along with his accomplice, Sonja Moro. She is probably also going to prison, but at least she's not all over the Internet after deciding to turn her face into a billboard saying "Arrest Me." Bail for Moro has been set at $50,000, but $100,000 for Terry, who (big surprise) has a prior felony conviction.
5. Steve Harvey, because he made the biggest mistake in the Universe.
This is the face he made *before* he screwed up.
You probably already know about Steve Harvey's major boner at last night's Miss Universe pageant. If you don't, thanks for making this article the first thing you've looked at on the Internet today.
While hosting the pageant on Sunday night, Harvey was confused by a very straightforward ballot and accidentally announced Miss Colombia as the winner instead of Miss Philippines. You might want to stretch before watching the clip, or you could pull a muscle from cringing too hard:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvegBo4TUdQ
There haven't been that many faces of crushing disappointment, deep insecurity, and pure bewilderment on TV since, well, the last beauty pageant. Harvey went into overdrive to apologize, but didn't do himself any favors with his first tweet:
Harvey deleted the tweet once he realized he has misspelled both of the countries he had just offended. He then released a string of emphatic and properly copy-edited apology tweets, but the damage was done. The public may never take him, or the Miss Universe pageant, seriously again. Not that they did before, but still.
4. Orange teenagers, because the FDA doesn't want them tanning anymore.
A teenager after seven minutes in a tanning bed.
Everyone knew that girl in high school who spent three months leading up to prom in a tanning bed because she had bought a white dress. Sure, she looked like a photo negative of herself on prom night, but her dreams had come true. Now, for girls across the US, that dream will be dashed.
New regulations from the Food and Drug Administration will ban anyone under 18 from using indoor tanning devices, and require adults to sign a waiver every time they use one. Although this may seem extreme, the evidence indicates it's overdue. The World Health Organization classified tanning beds as a carcinogen in 2009, but Jezebel reports that 1.6 million minors still use them in the US every year. What's more, tanning bed accidents result in more than 3,000 emergency room visits every year. That's a lot of unnaturally caramel kids putting themselves at risk.
Keep smiling, kid. You're only hurting yourself.
Hopefully, these regulations will save some young people from endangering their health and becoming prematurely leathery. On the other hand, there's a risk of tanning becoming cooler because they're outlawed—the forbidden fruit effect. Will teens hang out outside tanning salons, asking adult passersby to buy them a session? If they do, maybe they'll get a tan from the sun while they're waiting and realize that it was a waste of money to begin with.
3. Miley Cyrus, because she got naked and wore a fake penis but was still upstaged by Pam Anderson.
Miley Cyrus has shocked the world so many times, she's become a Millennial version of the boy who cried wolf—i.e., the girl who showed nips. At this point, she'd have to do something really extreme in order to surprise anyone. That's why, when she got naked onstage and pranced around holding a fake penis over her crotch, no one cared. They weren't even looking at her—they were focused on Baywatch's own Pamela Anderson standing right next to her.
Anderson joined Cyrus onstage during her concert at the Wiltern in L.A. on Saturday night, dancing and holding up a "Save the whales" sign. Anderson didn't even have to show much skin to delight the 23-year-old Cyrus's fans, most of whom were probably not born when the 48-year-old was posing in Playboy. But she was a novelty to them, something that Cyrus hasn't been in years.
2. People who want Tina Fey to apologize for her jokes, because it's not gonna happen.
The Unbreakable Tina Fey
Tina Fey's Netflix series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was met with widespread acclaim when it debuted this past spring, but it's had its fair share of detractors as well. Some comedy critics (people who criticize the idea of comedy) said that some of the show's jokes were offensive, particularly a running gag involving Jane Krakowski's character being Native American. But if those critics want Fey to grovel for their forgiveness, they're going to be disappointed yet again.
Steer clear of the internet and you’ll live forever. We did an 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt' episode and the internet was in a whirlwind, calling it ‘racist’, but my new goal is not to explain jokes. I feel like we put so much effort into writing and crafting everything, they need to speak for themselves. There’s a real culture of demanding apologies, and I’m opting out of that.
Opting out? She can do that? Did Lorne Michaels give her a "Get Out of Shame Free" card?
1. The Mast Brothers, because everyone found out their fancy chocolate is a big overpriced lie.
If you shop at organic food stores, you probably have a lot of disposable income and are comfortable shelling it out in exchange for the knowledge that your food comes from a reliable and ethical source. But what if you learned that the so-called "inspirational" story behind your pricey treats was a big lie? How much chocolate would you have to eat to bury the pain?
Mast Brothers, the Brooklyn-based chocolatier that somehow managed to charge $10 for a candy bar without being investigated by the U.N., is in deep cocoa over bogus claims they made to bolster their brand. The two bearded hipster brothers began making chocolate in a Brooklyn apartment in 2006, and have built their empire on the story that they were using organic "bean-to-bar" methods from the beginning. But a new article from DallasFood.org alleges that they initially made their bars by re-melting commercial chocolate, a major no-no among candy snobs.
Although no one is denying that the Masts currently make their chocolate using artisanal methods, this revelation has led to an "Emperor's New Clothes" effect. All of a sudden, sweet-toothed hipsters across the Internet aren't afraid to say that they think Mast Brothers chocolate is ridiculously overpriced for its quality.
It's a shocking revelation that even the supposedly innocent world of candy isn't safe from fraud. It seems that the Land of Chocolate was just a fantasy after all…
Good news if you have a borderline or full-blown alcoholism and a bunch of extra money: IV-drip hangover clinics are now a thing. The first one in Australia just opened using the oh-so-creative name "Hangover Clinic," and it promises to "blast away the cobwebs so you can perform at your best." They achieve this with a combination of IV-delivered hydration solution, headache medication, vitamin cocktails, and probably a small dose of the placebo effect, because if you're paying $100+ USD to try to forget the fact that you partied too hard, you better believe it's going to work.
"That's the price of, like, 100 Gatorades."
While Hangover Clinic is the first hangover clinic in Australia, it's not the first one in the world, because people love drinking too much everywhere. There's IVme in Chicago (which encourages you to book your treatment with a group), a multi-city chain called The I.V. Doc, and Hangover Heaven in Las Vegas.
Prices at many of these locations are even steeper than Australia's Hangover Clinic. At Hangover Heaven, packages start with the $129 "Redemption 3.0" and move on up to the $209 "Rapture" package, which appears to be designed for people with hangovers so bad, they could have been declared legally dead at some point during the night before. (If you happen to be in Vegas for Christmas, Hangover Heaven is offering 20% off for the holidays, but they aren't open on 12/25, because even hangover IV nurses want to celebrate the sweet baby J.)
Are the clinics worth it? Mashable's reporter, who tried Hangover Clinic, was on the fence, noting: "I think I'd need a night for the ages to make the cost justifiable." So until you're rich enough to afford it, you should probably keep nursing your hangover with Advil, Gatorade and self-loathing like a normal person.
Steve Harvey is in the news today for completely f*cking up the Miss Universe pageant Sunday night when he couldn't read instructions on a card and crowned the wrong queen. Fans of Harvey, who love him for all his goofy expressions on Family Feud, are quick defend what they see as a simple human error. Fair enough. Can they explain all the other stupid stuff that Harvey has spoken aloud on TV, though? This compilation of sh*t Steve Harvey says by YouTube user Boobsandbravado is circulating online today to remind us all that Harvey wasn't exactly perfect up until the Miss Universe thing:
For instance, he doesn't believe in evolution. He also doesn't consider gay men "real" men. And, ladies, Steve Harvey doesn't think there's a single platonic friendship in your life; any man who is friendly to you only wants sex. Why does he believe men are like that? Whatever the reason, it's apparently not because he thinks they evolved that way.
Chelsea Clinton just announced that she is pregnant with her second child, meaning Hillary is going to have a busy 2016. That means the former Secretary of State should become a grandmother for a second time right as she heads into the home stretch of her (in her eyes) inevitable coronation as president. Chelsea announced her pregnancy with a tweet featuring a photo of her current daughter, Charlotte. Even if you hate the Clintons and are convinced they're secret socialist aliens who want to destroy the US (nay, the Earth) from within, you have to admit this announcement is cute as heck.
Isn't that just like grandparents? So excited they just can't help tweeting about it. Congratulations to Chelsea, Marc, Sec. Clinton's poll numbers, and the whole family. Everyone is looking forward to seeing your little bundle of joy, and also seeing how this pregnancy somehow becomes a way to attack Hillary during the next Republican debate.
When you want to tell a man that he's going to be a dad, maybe you shouldn't pick Darth Vader to help deliver the message. That is, after all, the man who cut off his own son's hand; he's not exactly making the cover of Outer Rim Parenting magazine. Still, Star Wars and Disney super-fan Bryan Starr seemed overwhelmed with joy when his wife Taylor told him the news, despite the fact that a windpipe-crushing villain loomed over them, arms crossed in disapproval or maybe boredom. Hopefully, their future child will live a life untouched by the dark side, and will only view Star Wars in the Machete Order.
House cats are descended from some of the mightiest predators in the animal kingdom. While this might not be apparent when they are leisurely nibbling on canned tuna or snuggling up by the radiator, the best way to unleash the primordial beast inside them is set up a Christmas tree in your house. The second they see that remnant from the outdoor world, they must do one thing and one thing only: conquer it. Thus, here are 17 cats that should be nowhere near a Christmas tree.
After Steve Harvey flubbed the Miss Universe results and accidentally crowned the wrong pageant queen on live TV, there was a lot of uproar on the Internet. But what was going on with all the other girls on the back line who didn't make it into the top three? Apparently, there was plenty of drama amongst all the other countries' beautiful representatives. In this interview with Missosology, Sarah-Lorraine Riek (Miss Germany) spoke about how the rest of the girls felt when the crown went to Miss Philippines after Miss Colombia was dethroned:
I couldn’t believe it. I was so upset because, for me, she was robbed … I was very happy for Colombia, actually. She really deserved it. But I’m very unhappy with the result and so were the other girls, I’m very sorry to say it.
Wow! That's like a verbal subtweet. Looks like Miss Philippines wouldn't win Miss Congeniality in any contest. And if you think it's just sour grapes from Germany, Missosology also posted some footage of the girls chanting for Colombia. It could be support for an embarrassed comrade, or a pageant uprising. You decide:
