Everyone has been on a first date that was going so badly they've fantasized about climbing out of a bathroom window or faking a family emergency to escape it. But for one woman, her date was going so poorly that she felt the need to get the police involved. New York-based author Alexander Chee tweeted this snippet he came across in the Amherst police blotter, and he probably could not write a story this bizarre if he tried (actually, he wrote The Queen of the Night, so he definitely could).

According to the blotter, a man and woman who met over WeChat (a messaging app) decided to meet up in real life for a hiking date in Amherst, Massachusetts. Things must not have been going too well, because the woman decided she wanted out. Immediately. So immediately that instead of pretending that she forgot about a doctor's appointment or that she left her stove on (or, you know, just being honest about her feelings) she feigned an illness and called the cops. After law enforcement arrived to help the woman, they eventually got her to admit that she was not ill at all, but just couldn't muster up the courage to tell her date that she wanted to end the hike early. Wow, was the date really going that bad?

Of course, when you look at the story closely, there might have been something more serious and less hilarious going on. The story does have all the elements of the beginning of a modern day slasher film, after all: A woman meets up with a stranger she met online, and the two of them go on a hike together in the woods where no one can hear you scream!? In that case, calling the cops was definitely a smart move. Or who knows, maybe she just wasn't into the dude. But when the cops show up to break up your date, that is definitely one way to find out that she's just not that into you. 

Kennedy Odom, 15, got so sick nine months after getting braces that she had to miss months of school. Her mouth was in extreme pain and was covered in blisters. She couldn't even eat. "Here in Memphis, everything is centered around food," lamented her mother, Cicely Odom-Rose, to WMC-TV.

Even if you don't live in Memphis, you know how important being able to eat food can be for most, if not all, people. After tests for Stevens Johnson Syndrome and strep throat came back negative, doctors apparently just took her off antibiotics"and left her on pain medication," according to her mother. 

WMC Action News 5 - Memphis, Tennessee

That's when the family turned to—and this is how good healthcare is in America—the Internet. 

"We did a lot of research on our own, Googling things, Youtube videos, just anything," said Odom's godmother Tamara Irving.

After researching, Kennedy and her family apparently asked doctors, "'Is it possible that since all of the issues are surrounding her mouth area, inside her mouth, her lips, that it may have something to do with her braces?'"

Eventually, doctors uncovered the problem. Kennedy had a rare nickel allergy—and since her braces contained nickel, lesions were breaking out wherever the braces touched her mouth. It was only the second recorded case of such an allergy in Shelby County.

TL;DR: She was allergic to her braces.

Kennedy finally got the tooth-jail removed from her face, but not before her family had racked up some $15,000 in medical bills (in addition to months of pain, suffering, and missed education).

If you're a kid who really doesn't want to get your mouth fitted with the medieval torture device known as braces, show your parents this article. Even though it probably won't work and they'll probably just tell you you're not allergic to nickel and that you'll thank them later for straight teeth. But it's worth a try.

A 50-year-old man just spent three weeks in the hospital with—take a deep breath in—rotting genitals—let it out—because his wife poisoned his underwear. 

As The Mirrorreports, Zhang, from the city of Hangzhou, China, was rushed to the hospital when he began experiencing shortness of breath and the sensation that, uh, his private parts were going bad. Apparently, Zhang had been arguing with his wife, and tests have determined that she soaked his underwear in an herbacide known as paraquat and let it dry for him to wear.

She was the one in charge of his wardrobe, and she chose to taint his taint on their daughter's wedding day. Weddings are always so stressful, no?

There aren't many details of how, exactly, his penis was rotting, but here's a link to picture of a woman (also from China?!) whose legs had been exposed to paraquat. Yeah, you have to click on the link to see it, because it's way gross.

The wife has been arrested and is under investigation. It is still unclear at this if Zhang intends to press charges, or anything else, against his wife.

You might think it takes a lot to wow you, but this trick for eating oranges might actually make you say "dayum!" out loud. The technique keeps all the orange slices in a container of its own peel. That's right—oranges, once the most cumbersome fruit to eat on the go, can actually be handy and portable and not a total freaking mess, as long as you happen to have a sharp knife handy.

Though the video tutorial above uses a clementine, Tablespoon says it works with other kinds of oranges too, including your standard Valencias. Orange you glad? (Sorry.)

Rich people: they would masturbate more, but all of the sex toys are just so common. Because really, what sort of message are you sending if you'll spend $600 on a T-shirt or $200,000 on a handbag, but you still put a $30 hunk of plastic from the corner porn store in your lady pocket? It's simply not refined.

Thankfully, Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP is here to save the wealthy once again with a round-up of "not so basic sex toys," one of which is a $15,000 gold-plated dildo from INEZ. 

The website it's for sale on, LELO, notes that the dildo is "perfect for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure," even though that's exactly what they did. Can a $15,000 dildo even be pleasurable, or would you spend the entire time worrying about what else you could have done with the money?

Of course you wouldn't... because if you buy this, you're rich! You don't have to worry about where the money comes from, where the money goes, what people think of you, or what you say in public. All you have to worry about is figuring out new ways to silence that little voice in your head that constantly tries to tell you something is wrong with your life. Fun!

If you're not rich enough to buy a $15,000 gold-plated dildo, don't worry: there is also a stainless steel version that's only $7,900.

On Tuesday night, frequent Twitter meltdown haver Azealia Banks was at it again, this time with Zayn Malik as her focus. It started when she tweeted a collage of pictures of the former One Direction member that she'd posted on Instagram.

Zayn, who goes out with model Gigi Hadid, tweeted at roughly the same time, but without saying who it was directed at:

To which Banks responded:

Well. That escalated quickly. And then Banks took a deep breath, started typing, and Twitter basically watched her go insane in real time.

This is far from the first time Banks has gotten into a Twitter fight with a celebrity; she's been involved in beefs with Iggy Azalea (they have that name similarity thing, so they are actually required by law to get into an argument at some point), Rita Ora, Kanye West, and Beyoncé, just to name a few (and there are so many more).

Don't worry, though—she'd still let Zayn eat her ass.

While Chrissy Teigen is a model by profession, these days it feels like Snapchat is her full-time occupation, in addition to breastfeeding her baby.

Teigen was playing around with the app's newish photo swap feature on Tuesday evening, using her husband John Legend's face as a template. The duo have previously swapped faces, but this look was much creepier on Teigen .

As you can perhaps see, Teigen has covered up her new mom boobs with some lovely green lines. This person with John Legend's face and Chrissy Teigen's boobs is a rather befuddling sight. In a way, this imaginary person has it all: the voice of an angel and the boobs of an angel.

Given the amount of baby fuzz Legend is rocking in the photo Teigen chose to face swap with, the picture resulted in a much more intriguing sight than their old face swap.

So far baby Luna doesn't look like either of those Snapchat monsters.

Thank goodness.

Social media platform Twitter is dealing with the big issues, like how many emoji monkeys are there?

According to Cosmopolitan, it all began with Jonathan Sun's tweet poll asking people how many monkeys these three emojis represent:

Oddly enough, 50% of the population are wrong in believing these are the same monkey.

Let's explore why people believe it's three monkeys.

The argument is based on the idea that the monkeys represent the three wise monkeys. There are three of those, so there are three different emoji monkeys.

That being said, there were some valid arguments for the one monkey idea.

The great monkey debate got a little bit philosophical.

New polls have since cropped up.

There's really no end to the madness these monkeys (YES, MONKEYS PLURAL) have caused, which was probably their plan all along. Goddammit, monkeys.

PBS recently issued an online correction to an episode of Antiques Roadshow called "Grotesque Face Jug" from last year in which they'd accidentally made a tiny mistake. In the episode, Oregonian Alvin Barr brought in a weird jug with faces on it that he'd bought for $300 at an estate sale. Expert appraiser Stephen L. Fletcher told Barr that the jug dated back to the "late 19th or early 20th century," came from somewhere in the "Middle Atlantic states headed southward," and had a value of $30,000—$50,000.

In fact, the jug was made by Betsy Soule in her Oregon high school ceramics class in the 1970s. Ooh, so close!

Upon presenting the item to Fletcher, Barr said: "Looked like some chicken droppings were on it. It was very dirty. I had to have it. It speaks to me . . . It was saying, 'I’m very unusual' . . . 'I’m very different.'"

Tip for people setting up estate sales: cover your items in chicken droppings and make sure they are very dirty. This will speak to people.

The mistake was called to the show's attention when Soule (who is now a horse trainer and not a professional maker of ceramics) contacted the network and also sent in a picture of other similar pottery she'd made. Soule heard about the mix-up when a friend saw the episode in January and told her, "You’ve got to get on the internet and look up Antiques Roadshow; that weird pot you made is on there."

"The whole thing was shocking. I’ve laughed about it for weeks," Soule told the Huffington Post.

Fletcher, who mentions in the episode that he's been "doing this for 20 years" said,

As far as its age is concerned, I was fooled, as were some of my colleagues . . We have sold at auction several examples from the 19th century—all of which are from the eastern half of the United States, and have a single grotesque face—some for five figures. This example, with its six grotesque faces, was modeled or sculpted with considerable imagination, virtuosity and technical competence. The techniques of making pottery, in many ways, haven’t changed for centuries. . . Still not bad for a high schooler in Oregon.

Barr is apparently still happy about the jug, despite his initial worries that he'd overpaid: "It’s on my table, and I love it."

The jug is now on the PBS website with an estimated value of $3,000—$5,000. So it was really just a matter of a few extra zeroes.

Maybe Fletcher should contact Soule to see if she has any more of her handiwork around that he could purchase, seeing as he's such a fan.

Having your car get scratched is an unfortunate scenario, but the driver who hit college student Thomas Callow's car made up for it with some comic relief. After scratching the bumper, the mystery driver left a note that forgot to apologize, but kept it real documenting his side of the story. 

Zooming in:

“I thought the note was a parking ticket because I get those everyday, haha,” Callow told Select All.“Anyways, I opened the note and started instantly laughing hysterically.”

Callow shared the picture on Twitter and so far has gotten over 40,000 retweets, making up for any emotional turmoil caused by the fender bender.

Plus, his shabby, scratched car isn't scaring away the ladies; in fact, it's had the opposite effect. “I have gotten over 50 girls’ phone numbers, so life is pretty good,” Callow said.

Leaving a note can help you go viral. J. Walter Weatherman would be proud. 

17-year-old McKenzie Strange got a special surprise in her bag lunch on Tuesday when she opened it to find that the drink her mom had packed for her was a Four Loko.

Four Lokos may look like canned teas or energy drinks, but as everyone but moms know, they contain alcohol—in this case, as you can see from the can, 12%.

The teen texted her mom to ask about the drink, probably curious to know if her mom was trying to get her teenage daughter liquored up or if this was just an accident.

Strange told BuzzFeed that her mom's response to finding out she'd packed her daughter booze for lunch was "I need to get a cup of coffee before I try and pack lunches from now on." Smart.

Well, it's a good thing these cans couldn't be mistaken for energy drinks by kids, right? Maybe next week she'll get a pack of cigarettes for dessert.

Can you even remember the names of your childhood friends and high school classmates? Probably not. That's what Facebook and high school reunions are for. But it's a lot easier to remember those people when they have the courtesy to become famous. Here are some stories from redditors who knew celebrities before they were famous.

1. User jackbeawesome recognized the star quality that would carry Angelina Jolie all the way to Hackers and beyond.

Went to HS with Angelina Jolie. She was a weird, weird girl and didn't seem to care what anyone thought about anything. I saw her once in LA and when she noticed me she smiled, waved and then made an obscene gesture...and then smiled again. Fricken weirdo.

2. The father of drowsydeku had a very handsome friend.

My dad went to high school with Brad Pitt. He has a doodle of dog poop drawn by Brad Pitt in his yearbook. Pitt wrote that it was his "trademark symbol".

3. LookWhatDannyMade grew up with one of the Dixie Chicks; the short one, back when she was even shorter.

I went to junior high and high school with Natalie Maines. She was very short, and I'm 6'6", so for some reason we always thought that it was funny to dance together at school dances. She was always very into music and performing, and was very outspoken. Big surprise, right? But she was also very kind, and stood up for people who were being hurt or bullied.

4. The mother of _Helena got to live out the real-life events that inspire Billy Madison, presumably.

My mom went to school with Adam Sandler. She said he was nerdy and her friend said he was a bad kisser.

5. This story from caysaw about Pharrell will make you "happy." (Get it, because he had that song "Happy"?)

Pharrell Williams went to my school. He was known as Skateboard P and wasn't the best student academically but he was a really nice guy. He handed out mix tapes of the Neptunes and everyone supported him. He was really high up in the marching band. He's always been a musician. He didn't graduate.

6. This characterization of Taylor Kitsch from g60syncro is worse than season two of True Detective and John Carter combined.

Went to school with Taylor Kitsch from first to twelfth grade. Complete and total douche bag. I'll sum it up in one first grade experience. During recess, while my back was turned, the egocentric douche pissed on me with one of my peers... Peed and laughed. Apparently being a douche gets you millions of dollars despite being a shitty actor...

7. Actor Ian Michael Smith starred in the tearjerker Simon Birch. User itsnotsobadright tried to make him sound mean, but just made him sound like kind of a badass.

I went to high school with the kid from simon birch. He was really smart, but kind of an ass. He would purposely roll over peoples toes with his automatic wheelchair.

8. Not sure if this account from a deleted user is a joke or not, but it sounds like Good Guy Gosling.

Ryan Gosling taught me how to tie my shoe and taught my friend how to read.

9. User verbtheadjectivenoun knew the "Zoom Zoom!" kid from those car commercials, who we all presumed was CGI or a robot or something.

Does going to high school with the Mazda "Zoom Zoom" kid count? Dude was a prick. I was in drama club with him and he had this attitude of being a much more accomplished actor than all of us despite the fact that he was primarily known for saying two words in a Mazda commercial. He one time ate a key fob. Was kicked out for something related to pot the year after I graduated.

10. Let it go, bigbrainonb-rad. Let it go. (Kristen Bell was in Frozen, where that song and phrase originate.)

I dated Kristen Bell in high school. She was the same. Good sense of humor...looked pretty much the same. I had no inkling she'd end up being so famous.

11. The story from animalcollectivity suggests there are somehow more, even hotter Hemsworths out there.

I went to high school with Liam Hemsworth. He was very nice, but didn't have much of a personality, and was quite unintelligent. His mum, on the other hand was one of our teachers and she was the hottest and best teacher I've ever had.​

12. User fanggoria (and her French teacher) will not be a special on-stage #squad member guest any time soon.

My high school French teacher used to teach at Taylor Swift's school. Said she was a huge bitch and acted like she was better than everyone else. Didn't have any friends because she was so mean to people.

13. This story from cseesx is the least shocking thing on the Internet ever.

I went to school with Glenn Beck, he was a slimy creep and really full of himself.

Harry Connick Jr was a couple years ahead of me in high school. Nice guy, but he didn't speak with that "soulful" accent he has now! If I remember correctly, he let some mice loose in the cafeteria as a senior prank, and they made him apologize over the P.A. In order to graduate.

15. Cavemanhero went to school with Chelsea Clinton, and also a bunch of really horrible people.

I went to school with Chelsea Clinton. I always remember her as being kind of a bitch, but now that I'm grown I can see why. The kids were merciless with her. Called her Chelsea flowers and whatnot, that's when the whole Jennifer flowers ordeal came out in the news. Secret service was at our school everyday with her. At some point before her father became president they pulled her out of school. That whole thing must have been difficult for a 12 or 13 year old.

16. See? Ghost1031 shows that Howie Mandel was funny once.

Howie Mandel went to my high school a while back. He got expelled because he apparently hired construction companies to the school to build additions to the school library.

17. The surprising thing about this Ryan Lochte story from a deleted account is that it's the first time anyone has mentioned Ryan Lochte without calling him dumb.

I used to swim with Ryan Lochte. Biggest asshole known to man. Would race people five years younger than he was to make himself feel faster.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner split back in June, but now it seems that Ben wants Jen back. According to People, Ben and Jen, a couple whose rhyming names suggested they'd be together forever, separated but never signed the divorce papers, and are still legally married. Now, a source came forward to tell People that Ben wants Jen back, but Jen is not ready to recommit.

They ex-couple sometimes live together, according to People, take the kids on weekend outings, and even went on a family vacation to Paris together. Like a married couple does. But they're not married. Well, they technically still are—but they're separated. Got it?

"Jen is not ready to take Ben back," says this trouble-making source. "Ben has never been good alone and isn't now either. But he is constantly working on himself. He has made big changes."

As of right now, the couple plans to move forward with their divorce. If there was any chance that Jen might regain her interest in Ben, it's probably gone if she ended up seeing Batman v Superman. Yikes.

The two have maintained a close relationship to co-parent their three children, Violet, 10, Seraphina, 7, and Samuel, 4.

Theory: The "source" is totally Matt Damon. Who else would know so much about Ben's feelings?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this animated "ChyMoji" is worth a million. 

Just a few weeks ago, Blac Chyna and Kylie Jenner took a picture together and gave hope to the world that maybe you can be friends with your brother's new fiance despite her having a son with your boyfriend, but it seems the two still have ill will toward each other. Blac Chyna's emoji app, "ChyMoji" (which is in no way copying her future sister-in-law Kim Kardashian's "Kimoji" app, why would you think that?) has recently added this emoji—a full lipped brunette who happens to look an awful lot like Kylie Jenner getting slapped across the face. It's pretty violent. 

The app doesn't come right out and say it is Kylie, so it technically totally could be anyone. Right? 

Totally.

If the girl-on-girl violence is not your thing, fear not. ChyMoji has plenty of other options for you to choose from, from Chyna twerking her ass in a handstand to an "I'm With Her" emoji with an animated Hillary Clinton.   

Us Weekly is reporting that all-American man Chris Evans and consistently funny woman (as well as newly divorced) Jenny Slate are dating. The magazine even has more than one piece of evidence. A few sketchy sources means the truth, right?

A "source" told Us Weekly that Evans and Slate joined Evans's brother for a double date in March. The next month, both famous people gushed about each other while appearing on Anna Faris's podcast. 

"Oddly enough, I've only known Jenny for a few months, which is insane to say because we're like the same animal," Evans said. 

Meanwhile Slate, who first gained fame for a short-lived stint on SNL and her "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On" videos, discussed Evans's muscles. "I didn't know what to expect when I met Chris, I was a little scared because I kind of felt like, 'Well, I don't know him. He's a giant man with huge muscles and he's Captain America... How could we ever connect?'" Slate said on the podcast. "The first night that we hung out I was like, "Wow, I could hang out with Chris for like 90 hours.""

Skip to 6:30 to hear Evans and Slate talk about how great each one is, with some chiming in from Faris.

This is all pretty lame speculation—until you factor in the last piece of evidence. In early May, news broke that Slate had split with Dean Fleischer-Camp​, her husband of three years. What does all this mean? Well, it could mean Evans put the final nail in the coffin on Slate's marriage.

Or it could mean that Evans and Slate are two good friends who made a movie together.

The two star in Gifted, which started filming in October. (The synopsis sounds OK: "A man tries to raise the brilliant young daughter of his dead sister, but battles his mother over custody.")

This whole movie thing explains a lot, such as why they said nice stuff about each other and go to dinner together. It could also help sell movie tickets.

Chyna Johnson is a 22-year-old college student, so she doesn't have a ton of spare cash lying around, but that didn't stop her from chasing her dream: seeing Beyoncé live in concert.

Jackson, who spoke with BuzzFeed about her Queen Bey love affair, gained attention when she tweeted that she'd spent her rent money on concert tickets for Bey's Houston show on Sunday and subsequently got in trouble with her landlord.

Johnson doesn't regret her decision and thinks it was a great one. "My priorities are definitely in check to be honest. I just am a die hard Beyoncé fan,” she said. “I had the time of my life. Literally.”

Johnson insisted this story is the truth. 

People were impressed with Johnson's dedication to Bey.

Other people weren't so supportive of Johnson's decision, and questioned her landlord's right to evict her.

Johnson said that the landlord is serious. "It is real. I got an eviction letter and everything," she told BuzzFeed. "I’ve never ever been late on rent before so I’m hoping she would have some mercy on me."

Well, when she's out on the street she can feed herself with Lemonade memories. 

It's always fun to learn about celebrities' origin stories, and Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel Live went straight to the source. Kimmel played "Which Celebrity Parents Are These?" and Skyped an adorable, middle-aged couple who just so happen to have an über-famous kid. Asking yes or no questions, Kimmel tried to guess the identity of their progeny, and learned about how they really feel about their kid in the process.

See if you can guess. The "signature fragrance" really is the giveaway. 

Tommy Edison, the Blind Film Critic, has amassed a loyal YouTube following by answering viewers' questions about his life as a blind man with his trademark sense of humor and charming personality. He's more than happy to patiently respond to all the questions people are normally too tactful to ask a blind person, like "Can you draw?" and "What are your favorite things to touch?"

Now, Edison has one-upped himself by answering the most personal and inappropriate question yet, which he says is also the one he gets most often: "How do you know when to stop wiping your butt?" You know you want to know the answer.

Actually, that explanation makes a lot of sense. And that sink prank is brilliant. Are all Edisons this ingenious?