In August of 2015, an Australian man named Simon Gilmore went viral for annoying the living daylights out of his inhumanly patient girlfriend Dana with puns as they toured IKEA—and he liked irritating her so much, he decided to do it for the rest of their lives. Being a man famous for his annoying puns, however, he drags it out by asking if it was ok if he asked her father for permission to "marry-nade some steaks" for the weekend, and other borderline-mean jokes. It's all worth it in the end when Simon goes the extra mile—almost straight-up—to pop the big one.

There's so much to learn as a new parent: how to change a diaper, soothe a fussy baby, shut down a stranger when they demand you stop breastfeeding in public. Last week, a mom in Dartford, England, allegedly demonstrated the proper technique for that last one. When a stranger asked her to stop breastfeeding in a public park, she responded by saying "fuck off" and squirting breast milk in the stranger's direction. No wonder people always talk about the beauty of breastfeeding!

The story was posted on the Dartford Gossip Page by the complaining stranger, who probably naively expected sympathy.

The post read:

To the lady Dartford park who thought it was appropriate to breastfeed her baby whist my child and very easily distracted husband sat near by. I don’t think it was necessary for you to react the way you did just because I asked you to go somewhere private, telling me to fuck off and squirting me with your boobs was incredibly uncalled for. I hope you are ashamed of yourself!

Maybe next time you go somewhere with your "very easily distracted husband," you should give him some Vitamin R first. A little Ritalin should keep him focused on what matters (your own boobs).

Considering women in the UK are legally allowed to breastfeed anywhere in public, internet commenters leapt to the defense of the mommy feeding her baby. Comments included "you deserve what you got" and "it's you who should be ashamed" and "if ur husband is easily distracted id say thats ur problem."

Yikes. That's gotta sting more than breast milk.

Marisa Dick, a gymnast competing in the Olympics in Rio, has already accomplished a lot more in her 19 years than most of us lazy slobs have in our entire lives. Not only is she competing against world's most prestigious athletes on an international stage, but she already has a gymnastics move named after her. Behold: THE DICK (safe for work, don't worry.)

Yea, she jumps up, does a fancy leg switch thing (that is definitely the technical term, right?) and slams her crotch onto the beam while landing in a split. The long and the short of it is that the dick is hard. It also looks very painful.

The move is now officially recognized by the Federation of International Gymnastics under the non-fun name "change-leg leap to free-cross split sit," but the gymnastics world refers to it more commonly as "The Dick." Plus, it is fun to be like "Did you see The Dick!?" or "Your Dick was really nice." Hehehe.

However, not everyone finds the name so funny. In a letter to The Wall Street Journal, one representative from the FIG wrote, "We would like to underline that there are more spectacular new elements expected than her new move. We guess last time it makes the buzz only because of her name.” Oh come on. Have a little fun. Laugh at a very impressive looking move that shares a moniker with a dude's junk.

Going down in the history books with a signature move ensures that you will always be remembered, but having a move called "The Dick" pretty much makes you unforgettable.

On Sunday's Last Week Tonight, John Oliver looked at the troubling state of journalism in the digital age, and how it affects newspapers, media companies, and those journalists that are still employed.

It's no secret that print readership of local newspapers has plummeted along with the rise of the digital news, but that has far-reaching implications that have been largely ignored. One of the larger issues is that news-based TV shows cite local print journalism stories and research, including Last Week Tonight.

But as local newspapers close or get swallowed by huge media conglomerates, the ability to report real news instead of stories about cute animals gets increasingly difficult.

Somehow, corrupt politicians and billionaires keep winning even when it deals with media and journalism.

Through the good times, and the less good times (Kardashians don't have bad times), Kim K has always had one trusty thing by her side—her Blackberry. Sadly, last week Kim's Blackberry went to the big Radio Shack in the sky. She asks that fans continue not to respect her privacy during this difficult time.

Yes, although you traded in your Blackberry in like, 2010, Kim has held on to hers for years (in addition to an iPhone, of course. Although that was presumably only used for taking selfies). In the tragic wake of the loss of her Blackberry Bold, friend and fellow rich person Chrissy Teigen offered her condolences in the form of a flower arrangement.

The flowers came with a note from the model that said, "I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved your BB. You were both very lucky to have each other and you will always have the memories. Xoxo Chrissy"

Aw, doesn't having a disposable income seem fun?

Britney Spears is the people's celebrity. While mere mortals would disappear from the limelight after exposing their nethers while exiting a limo, shaving their heads, and then raising two beautiful K-fed spawn, Britney keeps coming back. And now, thanks to her commitment to Instagram, you can see her vacationing topless.

What could have her dreaming so fast? Is she still trying to imagine a straight Ryan Seacrest? Whatever motivates her, we are blessed for her dedication to keeping her fans involved.

Instagram commenter mmiillnnyyaann says it best:

IS ONLY I LOVE IN ALL OVER THE WORLD IS U BRITNEY BILIVE ME U ARE ALL INMY LIFE AND WISH 1 TIMES ONLY 1 TIMES MEET U IF SOMBODY SAY ME DO U WANT 10 M OR WILL MEET BRITNEY I SAY DONT LIKE 10 M WILL SEE BRITNEY.

Amen.

After a delightfully psychedelic Opening Ceremony, the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics are in full swing. Breaking records, winning medals and taking names, despite some Venus and Serena Williams-related heartbreak, the women of Team USA are making the country (and the gender) proud.

Katie Ledecky beats her own world record

Ledecky, only 19-years-old, killed the 400m freestyle, powering so far ahead of the competition that the other swimmers were barely in the frame. Leah Smith won the bronze in the 400m freestyle event, as did Dana Vollmer for the women's 100m butterfly.

Simone Biles flies high

Jumping, flipping, flying, and making it look easy, Ledecky's fellow 19-year-old received the highest score of any competitor in the floor exercise, beam, and vault events. The commentators couldn't even find something to criticize.

Women can shoot

The first gold medal for Team USA was won by Virginia (Ginny) Thrasher in the 10m air rifle competition, and Corey Cogdell took bronze for trap shooting. But because of The World, Cogdell's win was met with some ridiculously sexist coverage.

Soccer goals en route to gold

The number one team in the world (USA) beat the number three team in the world (France), and advanced. Carli Lloyd, who scored the winning goals for the 2008 Olympics gold medal, 2012 Olympics gold medal, and 2015 World Cup final, worked her magic scoring the point that won the match 1-0 for the red, white, and blue.

Women's basketball also broke their own record, because that's the thing to do

Pulling a Katie Ledecky, the U.S. women's basketball team wiped out Senegal with a 121-56 win, breaking their own record for most points scored in the Olympics. The previous record was 114, set in 1992 and tied at the London games.

The 2016 election has presented comedians and political commentators alike with a lot of new material, mostly thanks to Trump's unprecedented unhinged-ness. But the characters of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have been pop culture staples for decades, and with pop culture prominence comes inevitable SNL parodies. Let's start with Hillary.

Nine people have played Hillary Clinton over the years.

Miley Cyrus even took the part for one short sketch, surprisingly not singing "Wrecking Ball" in character.

Jan Hooks' Hillary was extremely intense.

Besides Miley and a brief turn by Drew Berrymore, seven cast members have played the part, starting with the late, great Jan Hooks in 1994. Hooks's take on the then-first lady was less about getting Hillary's look down, and more about her sternness and strength. In this cold open opposite Phil Hartman's Bill Clinton, Hillary straight-up calls herself "Co-President of the United States" and gets in a fist fight with Bob Dole. Referring to this interpretation as threatening would be an understatement.

Ana Gasteyer channeled a robo-Clinton.

Ana Gasteyer played the part through the late 90s and the end of the (Bill) Clinton administration. Gasteyer's Hillary was even more "robotic," often angrily rolling her eyes at Bill as he—and the country—desperately tried to get her to shut up.

Interestingly, you can even track how the public opinion of Hillary has shifted based on the audience's applause. The SNL crowd clapped at Gasteyer proclaiming it was "Hillary's time" in 2000. You can also tell how TV has changed over time when, in a particularly cringeworthy moment, she refers to herself as "dykey."

Even more recently, SNL brought out its own history in to help ridicule the historic Candidate Trump, with the return of Dana Carvey's Church Lady. In this sketch from May, Darrell Hammond's Trump is big and boorish, more of a bumbling fool than anything else.

There are still months to go, and as with any election year, SNL will be on the forefront of tackling the events. With both Hillary and Trump spending decades as characters on the show, it'll be interesting to see how both the show and the campaigns try to keep them fresh.

New mom Lexi Sinclair from Kansas City took her four-month old son to the pool wearing the following bikini.

Then some "crazy, ballsy woman" came up to her to tell her that wearing a bikini so soon after childbirth was making the sensitive men at the community pool uncomfortable. Ew. If you can make a baby you can do anything, except take your baby to a pool without some "prissy twit" trying to tell you what bathing suit you should wear, apparently.

Instead of making a huge scene at the pool, Lexi waited until she could get on Facebook to write this perfectly pitched response that has since has been shared over 23,000 times by Monday morning. Test a mother leopard and you're gonna get clawed.

She writes:

So today I took my 4 month old son to the pool. While putting Christians pool hat on, a woman (maybe mid 50s) comes up and makes conversation with me about Christian. Asking me his age, how much he weighs, how he sleeps, etc. She then proceeded to tell me that the men at the pool would feel more comfortable if I was in a one-piece swim suit because a bikini isn't appropriate for a mother, especially one who's "still recovering." Anyone who knows me knows I had a few words for this crazy, ballsy woman. But instead I just smiled, kissed my son and told her, "I'm proud of my body. In just one year I've gained 50 pounds, and lost 37. I've grown a human and given birth to a beautiful miracle. My body provided food for my child. So, no, my body might not be the best sight for other men to see. My stretch marks and tummy pudge might not be sexy. But they're proof that I've done something amazing, and I have a man that loves me and finds me even sexier and more beautiful now. To be honest, I don't give a tiny rats ass what other men, or a prissy twit like you think. Have a nice day though."

Good for her. You can't pretend to be interested in someone's baby just to slip in your judgment! Besides, there were probably dozens of men at that pool who wished they could use the act of childbirth to excuse their own "imperfect" bodies.

You can't help but love the Olympics for celebrating the best of the best, and the triumph of the human spirit. The international community sets aside their differences for friendly competition (for once), united both in the maturity of sportsmanship and the immaturity of butt jokes, courtesy of the German Men's Field Hockey Team. Once you see it, there's no turning back.

Regardless of where you're from, it's a team you can get behind.

Their real names are Linus Butt and Florian Fuchs, and their partnership is inspirational.

The lucky teammates are even inspiring Twitter to do math.

Everyone can appreciate the dumb, dirty joke. Here's to Butt and Fuchs for showing the world that we're not so different after all.

The residents of Celoron, New York, can sleep easier knowing their chances of being murdered by a freakishly terrifying Lucille Ball statue have decreased by about 27%. A new "friendlier" Lucille Ball statue has been resurrected in place of the old one, which looked less like the late I Love Lucy actress and more like an evil demon who would devour your soul. Oops!

Not only did the original statue look nothing like Ball, but its "terrifying" demeanor made it a social media sensation. Locals even started a Facebook group calling the statue a "nightmare" and asking for its removal.

The new bronze statue was unveiled Saturday in the late comedian's hometown by Celoron Mayor Scott Schrecengost and sculptor Carolyn Palmer, as hundreds of onlookers chanted "Lucy! Lucy!" and sang the I Love Lucy theme song.

I think we can all agree that the new Lucy looks about 27% less likely to eat your soul.

“Well, it’s been quite a ride,” said Mayor Schrecengost at the ceremony. “A little over a year ago, we got beat up pretty good.”

I'm not sure if he's referring to the social media backlash, or if residents of the town were beat up by the original statue. Either way, here's hoping residents can finally relax knowing they, and their souls, are safe(r).

British swimmer Adam Peaty won his first Olympic gold medal yesterday. As if a gold medal wasn't enough, Peaty also smashed his own world record in the 100m breaststroke during a qualifying heat. Surely, everyone in the UK is proud of Adam, but no one is prouder than his grandmother, Mavis.

Mavis has become quite the internet celebrity in recent weeks, taking to Twitter to voice her support for her grandson in the most adorable grandma way possible.

Here's what she posted last night after Adam broke his first world record in a qualifying heat.

And after the semifinal:

And when he won the medal:

One thing's for sure: Her emoji game is on point.

As if her supportive tweets weren't cute enough, here she is getting British flags painted on her nails.

Adam may have won in the pool, but there's no question his Nan takes the gold in social media.

Here's the latest salvo in the ongoing cocktease that is Drake and Rihanna's maybe-relationship: he kinda-sorta said he loved her mid-concert at Madison Square Garden. As a reminder, people ship Rihanna and Drake so hard that they have fanart, like they're characters on Sherlock:

Here's the grand declaration of love: "If you’ve got love for Rihanna in New York City… cuz you know I’ve got love for Rihanna." Then Drake performed a few of her songs, according to Page Six.

Still, though Drake and Rihanna are dating, they are not official yet, according to E!, who hears this from an anonymous source.

"Drake would make her his girlfriend in a second if he could. It's more on Rihanna, though. They both care about each other and are having a good time spending time with each other," the ~totally legit~ source said. "Drake has expressed to Rihanna that he only wants to date her and only her, but she wants to take day by day this time around."

PSA: Rihanna and Drake, start kissing in public so the American people have something to think about when they close their eyes during sex please.

Calvin Harris dated Taylor Swift for about a year, but at this rate he will be enduring T-Swift related jokes for the rest of eternity. Calvin Harris and Howie Mandel shared the stage at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on Saturday when Mandel made an uncomfortable joke about the DJ's ex.

"I like your suit, who’s your Taylor?" quipped Mandel, punctuating his unfunny dad joke with the unfunny dad follow up, "See what I did?"

Harris, who probably wanted to burn the hotel to the ground in that moment, tried to pretend like Howie's pun was even remotely funny and responded, "You had that prepared, you had that one ready" through his gritted teeth. Even though he appeared to be a good sport on the outside, this was probably what was going on inside his head.

Dating Taylor is like the gift that keeps on giving, but only if you are a total masochist.

5. Rob Kardashian, because his reality show is in danger.

After years of alienating his family by not wanting to constantly be on camera, black sheep Rob Kardashian has finally come out of his shell as a full-fledged reality star. He and fiancée Blac Chyna have a baby on the way, and they're filming their own reality show to document the pregnancy. But now, TMZ reports that Rob may be throwing it all away to slip back into his old vice: privacy.

According to sources within the show, Rob has failed to show up for a number of high-profile shooting days recently, including a major Kardashian party in honor of his grandmother. He's worried that filming the show is hurting his relationship with Blac Chyna in the same way that Keeping Up With The Kardashians hurt his family (by making them rich and famous). So to preserve his relationship, he's blowing his pregnant fiancée off and making her appear on camera without him. Let's hope that works out.

4. Selena Gomez, because men are terrified of her.

Selena Gomez is having a hard time finding a new boyfriend to fill Justin Bieber's tiny shoes. In a new interview with Vogue Australia, she revealed her ideal man, and why he's so hard to find:

I’d be so stoked with a writer or producer or actor who is low-key, but those kind of guys are terrified of me!

What do they have to be terrified of? Just because she's the most famous person on Instagram, her rabid fans desperately want her to get back together with her ex, and that ex happens to be a psycho who's constantly surrounded by bodyguards and likes to sucker punch people.

Gomez explained that she herself doesn't understand why anyone would date her:

Because I think people would think it’s kind of dumb [to date me]. Nobody would want to throw themselves into that situation where it was so heightened publicly, like, why would they?

She should really believe in herself more. She's a catch! If 93 million Instagram followers don't bring her confidence, what hope do the rest of us have?

3. Jeb Bush, because his son turned on him.

After Jeb Bush was defeated in a really ugly primary battle by Donald Trump, he notably refused to endorse the new candidate. Now that Trump's poll numbers are in the gold-plated toilet, more and more Republicans are doing the same. But one rising GOP figure is hitching his wagon to the Trump train as it flies off the cliff: Jeb's son George P. Bush. Ouch.

Here's little George (the recently-elected Texas Land Commissioner, a stepping stone to Governor) explaining his position to GOP activists on Saturday:

Will George P.'s risky gambit pay off for him? Only if Trump wins. So, no.

2. This Scottish dad who was pranked into thinking nuclear war had broken out.

To be honest, it's kind of his fault for being so gullible. If anyone was firing nukes, it wouldn't be Russia. It would be President Trump.

1. A truck driver who spilled beer all over the Brooklyn Queens Expressway.

New Yorkers love two things: beer, and complaining about traffic. So today is a great day for them. Early Monday morning, a Budweiser truck overturned on the famously congested Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, sending cans of beer flying all over the road. Cars were backed up four miles as first responders valiantly tried to clear the beer off the road without drinking it.

It's hardly the first time beer has made thousands of New Yorkers late for work, but it is the first time a hangover wasn't involved.

On Sunday, Zelda Williams, daughter of the late legend Robin Williams, announced she's taking a break from social media shortly before the second anniversary of her father's death. Williams had recently posted a tribute to her father on what would've been his 65th birthday. She expressed gratitude to fans, and acknowledged she needs a break because it's difficult to grieve while simultaneously being a spokesperson for her father's legacy:

So, it's that time of year again. I will be taking another break off social media. For those who always ask why, it's so people can memorialize Dad on the anniversary of his death however they wish without me having to feel bombarded by it, or pressured by the expectation put on myself or my family to publicity acknowledge or join in doing so. I will always be so grateful for all the love the world had and continues to have for dad, but for obvious reasons, it's sometimes harder to be the sort of surviving public vessel for receiving those sentiments, and one often expected to somehow flawlessly express them back.

Obviously, the world will keep on spinning. This is hardly an important issue, my main point being you should continue to remember Dad however you want! I'll just be doing so privately. And if you'd like to celebrate his life by celebrating causes he loved, you need only google, and you'll find wonderful charities like the @ReeveFoundation, @CAFoundation and many more. Tata for now!

You can support the Challenged Athletes Foundation here and the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation here.

In a year of Islamophobia, here's some rare uplifting news: the 2016 Rio Olympics marks the first time that America is sending a hijab-wearing athlete to compete in the games. 30-year-old Ibtihaj Muhammad began fencing at 13 in part because it was the rare sport that didn't require her to remove her religious head covering, according to Muhammad's recent interview with BuzzFeed.

Muhammad decided to enter the sport professionally in part to redress fencing's lack of diversity. "Historically, it’s always been a white sport reserved for people with money," said Muhammad, who has four siblings. "I don’t think it’s a good representation of the U.S., or of society as a whole." She also probably competed professionally because, you know, she's really really good at it: she's currently ranked as the eighth best saber fencer in the world, and the second best in the U.S.

Since joining the Olympics team, Muhammad has met the Obamas:

Ellen DeGeneres:

Stephen Colbert:

And even TIM GUNN:

Though she lost in the second round of the individuals tournament at the Olympics this morning, she will be competing in the team round later in the week.