Thanks for posting a year-end recap of all the reasons I should unfriend you.
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My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions
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Let’s have so much fun tonight we’ll have to click Remove Tag tomorrow.
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Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.
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May 2017 be the year you respond to my text.
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Azealia Banks posts video of herself cleaning the closet where she's sacrificed chickens for years.
Harlem rapper Azealia Banks sought to prove her authenticity as a witch yesterday by posting a gruesome video to Instagram of a bloody closet strewn with feathers. "The amount of crap that's about to come off my floor right you now guys, oh my god," she said in a clip that has since disappeared from her account but resurfaced elsewhere on social media, much to everyone's horror.
She claims the mess was the result of three years of brujería, a style of witchcraft akin to voodoo or santería that can involve animal sacrifice. It was widely assumed that Banks had been killing chickens in the closet. After busting out a sandblaster and putting on goggles, she quipped, "Real witches to real things."
The response to this revelation was, shall we say, mixed.
Hey, who doesn't want to go into the new year with a fresh, clean start?
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2 people killed and 2 injured by gunfire in chaotic scene outside Meek Mill concert.
Reports say that two men are dead and two others left with non-life-threatening wounds after gunfire broke out following a Meek Mill concert at the Oakdale Theatre in Wallingford, Connecticut. Bits and pieces of the violence and aftermath were captured on video and posted to social media.
According to NBC, "Wallingford police said it appears some kind of fight let to the shooting," and family members "identified one of the men killed as 31-year-old Travis Ward of New Haven," who was attending the concert as part of an early birthday celebration ahead of turning 32 next week.
Police are also investigating whether a hit-and-run accident around the time of the shooting may have been connected to the crime.
Neither the Oakdale Theatre nor Meek Mill has seemed to comment on the tragedy—the Oakdale's last Twitter post was an advertisement for the show, while Mill himself posted a photo without comment that was seemingly taken right when the victims were being rushed to the hospital.
All this comes barely a week after rumors had swirled that Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj were on the outs and had unfollowed each other on Instagram, possibly because Mill was cheating on her with the anonymous owner of a fishnet-clad butt he posted there. Elsewhere recently, Mill was seen declining a hit of weed offered by a fan at a concert because he's currently on probation.
All in all, being the rapper who got bodied by Drake seems really great.
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Let's never speak of 2016 again.
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Everyone's celebrating the art of lazy ripoffs with this 'can I copy your homework?' meme.
You're a good student. You try your hardest on every assignment, and you hand each one in on time. But there in the classroom, just moments before your teacher comes around to collect your work, that kid sitting next to you asks the same question they've asked every day this entire year:
"Can I copy your homework?"
It's a tough position to be in. On the one hand, you probably want to help out your classmate, if only so that they don't spread the rumor that you're a selfish jerk. On the other, you don't want to be implicated in a homework-copying scheme. So you agree under one important condition:
"Yeah, just change it a little so it doesn't look obvious."
And the truth is, even after school and beyond, this same dynamic continues. Almost everything in this world can be thought of either as the original homework or the slightly modified copy. In a series of delightful Twitter memes, people are pointing out who's ripped off whom over the years.
With a little luck, your teacher will never notice, and both of you come away with at least a B+. Teamwork is the most important learning experience of all.
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Here's to pretending that anything changes when the year does.
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It's surprisingly easy to get all the needles off your old Christmas tree in just a few seconds.
It's almost January, which means your old Christmas tree is now basically just a fire hazard shedding its many pointy needles on your carpet so that you have something to hurt your feet on. Trying to get it out of your house through the front door or to the dump in your car is just going to cause an even bigger mess.
But, as they say in infomercials, there's got to be a better way, and there is, provided you live in an apartment a bit higher than the ground floor. Behold, in this GIF, the simplest, quickest, and most satisfying way to de-needle a tree for easy transportation to wherever your city requires to you to dispose of it.
Now if only we could get rid of our New Year's hangovers this easily.
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Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf
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Ronda Rousey trolled by opponent Amanda Nunes after brutal 48-second loss in comeback UFC match.
This wasn't how Ronda Rousey envisioned her UFC comeback.
In her first fight since her first career defeat at the hands of Holly Holm in December 2015, Rousey went up against Brazilian fighter and defending bantamweight champion Amanda Nunes on Friday night in Las Vegas for one of the main events in UFC 207. Although Rousey wasn't knocked out by Nunes' unanswered flurry of brutal right punches, referee Herb Dean called an end to the fight just 48 seconds in, marking the swiftest victory of Nunes' career.
In a bizarre additional humiliation, Rousey's new commercial for Pantene shampoo was playing in the T-Mobile Arena as Nunes celebrated. The coincidence spoke somewhat to Rousey's celebrity status as compared to her competitors, which had been a source of annoyance for Nunes, as "Rousey refused to participate in required media events leading up to the event."
But, not content to remain the reigning champ and claim some fame for herself, 28-year-old Nunes continued to trash-talk Rousey in a post-match interview, criticizing her opponent's coach and saying she assumed the former champ would now retire. “I’m the best on the planet,” Nunes said. “She’s going to go do movies. Forget about her. She has a lot of money already.”
Rousey herself skipped the post-match press conference.
Nunes even went so far as to tweet a Photoshop of herself pushing a stroller that contained a crying Rousey, which some thought less than gracious.
But it seems like the haters can't get to the fighter known as the "Lioness," who got to celebrate New Year's a bit earlier than the rest of us.
Just more proof that Twitter can be almost as brutal as the Octagon.
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Let's ring in the new year by immediately being thankful we're not in Times Square.
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May your New Year's end with counting numbers backwards rather than reciting the alphabet backwards.
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The fastest hangover cure is a fast-paced 10-mile walk of shame.
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May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did
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I hope one of your New Year's resolutions is to stop tagging me in New Year's photos.
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Happy New Year to someone too lazy to change their desk calendar past May.
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Here's to becoming the best possible versions of ourselves in 2017 for the first few weeks.
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