1. Intelligent Apes Begin Their Reign Of Conquest — 'Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes' On Track To Take $70 Million From Human Movie Goers

The well-reviewed Dawn of the Planet of the Apes rose to dominance over its human competition on Friday grossing approximately $28 million dollars and heading toward a likely $70 million by the end of the weekend.

Anyone else find it kind of ironic that the average person paying to see "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" doesn't even believe in evolution?

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) July 11, 2014

2. Congress Gives $287 Billion Tax Cut To Businesses So They Can More Easily Buy Congress

House Republicans managed to pass a $287 billion tax cut for needy people on Friday. And since corporations are now officially considered people by the Supreme Court, and because all corporations need to make money, this isn't even technically a lie.

Hearing politicians pitch tax cuts for the rich as a way to help the economy is like a husband pitching blow jobs as a way to get fit.

— Matt Suddain (@suddain) January 7, 2014

3. The World Has Run Out Of Ramones

The original members of the seminal punk rock group The Ramones are finally reuniting. Unfortunately, they're doing it in the saddest possible way. 65-year-old Erdelyi Tamas—better known as Tommy Ramone—died in his home in Queens, New York City yesterday. The drummer was the last surviving member of the band's original line-up.

It sucks that we now live in a world with lots of Kardashians but no Ramones. Rest In Peace, Tommy Ramone.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) July 12, 2014

4. Critics Adore New Indie Film That Makes Growing Up Seem Less Boring

Richard Linklater's new film Boyhood—filmed over the course of twelve years, following one boy from the age of 6 to 18—was released to a select few theaters this weekend and has received unanimously positive critical reviews thus far, despite its running time being only slightly shorter than its filming time. It currently has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Nice thing about the movie Boyhood is that you can walk out halfway through and nobody will call Family Services.

— Mike Spiegelman (@Spiegelmania) July 12, 2014

5. Supermoon Gives Superwerewolves Their First Chance Of The Summer To Hunt

If yesterday's moon seemed a teeny tiny eenie weeinie bit bigger than normal last night, that's because it was the first of three "supermoons" that are expected this summer. Two more of these moons—which occur when the Earth's orbiting body is slightly closer, due to the elliptical nature of its orbit—should occur on August 10 and September 9.

"Mommy, why did that flying man just show us his ass?" "Well, Timmy, that's Supermoon!"

— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) July 11, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A couple days ago, someone posted the results of a behavioral study into the effects of smartphone usage on restaurant service. The study was published in a very well-respected scientific journal, The Rants & Raves Section Of Craigslist. [Archive viewable here]

While the typical "rant" on CL usually concerns the proliferation of lizard people in senior executive positions at the World Bank, this post claimed to have solved a "Major Mystery" of the modern dining scene, concluding that our phones are ruining everything. 

It's nothing but lies but all your friends are sharing it anyway.

Like any major study, it first sets forth the background of the control group and researchers as well as the methodology, then it presents its findings, which are riddled with enough grammatical and spelling errors that the whole thing could be mistaken for a phishing email from a Nigerian prince.

We are a popular restaurant for both locals and tourists alike. Having been in business for many years we noticed that although the number of customer's we serve on a daily basis is almost the same today as it was 10 years ago, the service just seems super slow even thou we added lot's more staff and cut back on the menu items.

The unnamed restaurant claims to have decided to "hire a firm" to investigate why service is slow despite there having been no change in the "number of customer's [sic]". No idea what sort of "firm' is available for this task, outside of making a call to Bar Rescue's bass-mouthed service industry wizard, John Taffer.

"The Firm" suggested that the restaurant look at their surveillance tapes from ten years ago to see if they could notice any difference in the quality of service and speed of customer turnover. Unfortunately, ten years ago the restaurant recorded everything on tapes, unlike their digital system of today. Since they didn't save all the tapes, guess this ten-year study is going to have to be aborted, right?

We did find the recording devices, and luckily for us, each device has 1 tape in it that we simply never removed when we upgraded to the new digital system.

The date stamp on the old footage was Thursday July 1 2004, the restaurant was real busy that day.  

Hooray! As ridiculously fortuitous luck would have it, the only tapes they found were dated almost exactly ten years ago to the day. The study is saved! 

Just to recap, a restaurant noticed service was slow. They hired "A Firm," an organization clearly operating so deep in the shadows of the restaurant industry that its name can never be spoken. "The Firm" suggested they find a video record of the restaurant's business operations from ten years ago and, following a thorough search of the restaurant's storage room (Note: If a restaurant has a "storage room," it's used for on-shift cocaine abuse and maybe as a place to throw a few broken chairs), the only remaining tapes they found were recorded exactly ten years ago, nearly to the day.

Now let's get to the reason why everyone is forwarding this crap around. The "findings." The poster claims to have looked at 45 customers from July 1, 2004  and July 3, 2014. Exactly 45 from each day, apparently. The post doesn't explain whether they chose 45 from each day or, if on each day ten years apart, there were exactly 45 customers in the establishment. This is left unclear because none of this happened and the whole thing is lies. 

First, the 2004 findings...

2004:

Customers walk in.

They gets seated and are given menus, out of 45 customers 3 request to be seated elsewhere.

Customers on average spend 8 minutes before closing the menu to show they are ready to order.

Waiters shows up almost instantly takes the order.

Food starts getting delivered within 6 minutes, obviously the more complex items take way longer.

Out of 45 customers 2 sent items back that where too cold we assume (given they were not steak we assume they wanted the item heated up more).

Waiters keep an eye out for their tables so they can respond quickly if the customer needs something.

Customers are done, check delivered, and within 5 minutes they leave.

Average time from start to finish: 1:05

Oh, 2004! We were so civilized! We made our dining decisions with such clear-minded precision. Was it the lingering post-9/11 death of irony that kept us from dilly-dallying with snide chit-chat? Or, since only 2 items were sent back to be reheated, maybe ovens were warmer? 

Nope and nope. Check out these 2014 findings:

2014:
Customers walk in. 

Still ambulatory. So far so good.

Customers get seated and is given menus, out of 45 customers 18 requested to be seated elsewhere.

18? In 2004 it was 3. Sounds like you have 15 new drafty spots in your dining room, non-existent restaurant. Spackle that shit! (Also, "are given menus." Come on, man. Try.)

Before even opening the menu they take their phones out, some are taking photos while others are simply doing something else on their phone (sorry we have no clue what they are doing and do not monitor customer WIFI activity).

People and their phones, right? At least this restaurant is scrupulous enough to not "monitor customer WFI activity," since that would be pretty difficult and somewhat psychotic for a restaurant to do (unless, NSA?).

7 out of the 45 customers had waiters come over right away, they showed them something on their phone and spent an average of 5 minutes of the waiter's time. Given this is recent footage, we asked the waiters about this and they explained those customers had a problem connecting to the WIFI and demanded the waiters try to help them.

Have you ever asked a server for the WIFI password? Did it ever, in your time on this planet, even once require the server to spend five minutes with you? Or did it more likely take the server a single breath to either speak the password, say "we don't have WIFI," or perhaps suggest that you use your phone's 4G signal since it's twenty goddamn fourteen and that's usually faster than WIFI anyway? Keep in mind, "an average of 5 minutes" means some people had the waiter doing tech for longer than that. On their phones. This is lies.

Eff it. Here's the rest. It says that the reason service is slow lately is because we spend a lot of time on our phones at restaurants, and it makes up a bunch of exaggerated durations of phone activity in order to sound legitimate.

Finally the waiters are walking over to the table to see what the customers would like to order. The majority have not even opened the menu and ask the waiter to wait a bit.

Customer opens the menu, places their hands holding their phones on top of it and continue doing whatever on their phone.

Waiter returns to see if they are ready to order or have any questions. The customer asks for more time.

Finally they are ready to order.

Total average time from when the customer was seated until they placed their order 21 minutes.

Food starts getting delivered within 6 minutes, obviously the more complex items take way longer.

26 out of 45 customers spend an average of 3 minutes taking photos of the food.

14 out of 45 customers take pictures of each other with the food in front of them or as they are eating the food. This takes on average another 4 minutes as they must review and sometimes retake the photo.

9 out of 45 customers sent their food back to reheat. Obviously if they didn't pause to do whatever on their phone the food wouldn't have gotten cold.

27 out of 45 customers asked their waiter to take a group photo. 14 of those requested the waiter retake the photo as they were not pleased with the first photo. On average this entire process between the chit chatting and reviewing the photo taken added another 5 minutes and obviously caused the waiter not to be able to take care of other tables he/she was serving.

Given in most cases the customers are constantly busy on their phones it took an average of 20 minutes more from when they were done eating until they requested a check. Furthermore once the check was delivered it took 15 minutes longer than 10 years ago for them to pay and leave.

8 out of 45 customers bumped into other customers or in one case a waiter (texting while walking) as they were either walking in or out of the Restaurant.

Average time from start to finish: 1:55

See???? 

Based on this anonymous study that was typed with the precision of a limping housecat walking across a keyboard, restaurant customers snapping pictures of their food takes up approximately 197 hours of every dining transaction. I came up with this number using the same math as the poster of this study. By which I mean, I'm lying.

While it only takes a second to conclude that all of these "findings" are bullshit—people don't keep a waiter at their table for five minutes to get a WIFI password they don't need, it doesn't take 3 minutes to Instagram your meal—no one who's sharing the post read more than a few lines of it before they posted the link and tweeted, "Get off your phones, people!"

We eat this crap up (restaurant pun!). We're all on our phones constantly, and we all think the way other people use their phones is the problem, not me! If I share this article, I'm saying that I'm clearly the one who is aware of what's wrong, you guys are the ones who need to stop it with your food Instagrams and your Facebook check-ins. (BTW, the "people taking pics of their food" indictment is such an old, boring cliche, I'd rather look at pics of brunch than hear it again.)

In conclusion, this was lies. Stop sharing it. But wait, here's the icing on the cake.

We are grateful for everyone who comes into our restaurant, after all there are so many choices out there. But can you please be a bit more considerate?

Can you please go fuck yourself? You weren't considerate enough to use spell-check, you can't ask me to quit checking my favs. 

If this place did exist, it's a restaurant in Midtown East. To people outside of New York, Midtown East is a cultural and dining wasteland, so this restaurant blows anyway. Not even "The Firm" could make it someplace I'd want to stare at my phone in. 

But if I ever did, I'd spend so much time on my phone, the waiters would have to ask me for my order by commenting on my Instagrams. Since, in my experience, they're all on their phones too, they'll be fine with it. And the only person who'd be pissed is the dude who posted this fiction.

(by Bob Powers)

No one ever searches "How to make Google feel a little better." Sniff.

Brian Huskey returns in the latest chapter of "If Google Was A Guy," the saga of the most miserable anthropomorphized website on Earth, as told by CollegeHumor. This edition includes a special appearance from Siri, as well as a very satisfying nod to the anti-vaxxer wing of the Internet.

(by Bob Powers)

1. Tracy Morgan Released From Rehab, Sets His Mind-Grapes On Suing Walmart

Five weeks after being badly injured in a automotive accident that left one member of his entourage dead, comedian Tracy Morgan is finally being released from a rehabilitation facility and is heading home, where, according to his publicist, he "will continue his recovery efforts at home with an aggressive outpatient program." Morgan has announced that he is suing Walmart—the owner of the truck that hit his tour bus—claiming that they should not have allowed a sleep-deprived driver to drive their vehicle.

I'm gonna shop at Wal-Mart a lot more once Tracy Morgan owns it.#LibCribhttp://t.co/vT3Cnn3Diw

— J R Levesque (@Enernoj) July 12, 2014

2. Brazil Proves To World That Its Humiliating Loss Was More Than A Fluke

In an effort to show naysayers that their staggeringly embarrassing 7-1 loss to Germany in the World Cup semi-finals was no mere happenstance, Brazil's hosting soccer team laid down a scoreless loss to the Netherlands in yesterday's third-place match, thus proving that they can be defeated by whatever team they set their mind to losing to.

Brazil just changed its national anthem to a funeral dirge. #BRAvsNED

— shauna (@goldengateblond) July 12, 2014

3. Teenage Metal Band Lands $1.7 Million Record Deal Despite Not Sucking

Unlocking the Truth—a heavy metal trio of black, teenage musicians that made their names busking around New York City—has signed a $1.7 million two-record deal with Sony, even though they clearly have an amazing amount of musical talent and a genuine love for the metal music genre. The massive media conglomerate clearly believes that they can suck all vibrance from the band, given the right production and guidance.

I named my new death metal band after the scariest thing I could think of. We're called Mom Selfie.

— Timmy Williams (@timmyisanerd) June 30, 2014

4. Study: Women Don't Like Trashy Ho-Bags In Red Dresses Who Think They're All That When Really They're Not, Ugh!

According to new research headed by a University of Rochester psychologist, women are more likely to feel threatened by other women if they're wearing red clothing, apparently feeling "as if these other women are actively advertising" their sexuality. To counteract such feelings and make peers feel more at ease, potentially attractive women are advised to take off their red dresses when in public.

Everyone on the Real Housewives owns a red "business" dress.

— albertina rizzo (@albz) August 5, 2013

5. Virginia Dad Continues Proud White Person Tradition Of Claiming Land In Africa As His Own

A Virginia man has traveled to the Sudanese border to claim an 800-square-mile section of the African desert as his own, so that his 6-year-old daughter can be named princess of The Kingdom of North Sudan. "I founded the nation in love for my daughter," Jeremiah Heaton says.

Apparently when imperialism is an "act of love" for a daughter who wants to be "a real princess" it's ok. Jeez. http://t.co/fGXy4jcZmK

— Alice Bell (@alicebell) July 13, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The World Cup trophy looks like someone spray painted a big hunk of shawarma.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) July 13, 2014

Now wasn't that worth 14.5 billion dollars, Brazil? To see these Germans so happy?

— Gareth Reynolds (@reynoldsgareth) July 13, 2014

The first time the world can say, "Yay! Germany wins!"

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) July 13, 2014

All the blonde Argentinian kids are descended from Nazi war criminals, right? Why are they crying?

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) July 13, 2014

There's going to be some unbelievably strange sex happening in Berlin tonight.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) July 13, 2014

Between Germany and the Spurs, it's a big year for joyless precision.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) July 13, 2014

Which Crying Soccer Player Are You?

— matt (@biorhythmist) July 13, 2014

Germany beat Argentina in soccer, but Evita is still a better musical than The Sound of Music #Winwhereitcounts

— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) July 13, 2014

"Pay up, z'muzzafuckaz" Hitler, VIP Room, Hell.

— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) July 13, 2014

Now you're just a grown man, crying with your face painted

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) July 13, 2014

MAZEL TOV GERMANY!! #WorldCupFinal

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) July 13, 2014

I want to console all the little crying kids and tell them how many worse things will happen in their lives. #WorldCup

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) July 13, 2014

Nerds who moan about sports overrunning the culture: you're right, but the dumb shit you love isn't doing the planet any favors either.

— scharpling (@scharpling) July 13, 2014

Macklemore scored a hell of a goal just then.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 13, 2014

I can't believe that's the last goal I'll see for four years.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) July 13, 2014

"Whew. I need a nap after that." - the scoreboard operator after having to turn a 0 to a 1

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) July 13, 2014

There's going to be some unbelievably strange sex happening in Berlin tonight.

And never complain about people complaining about people complaining on Facebook! (Via)

Don't hate the Facebook hypocrites, cherish them. They are the digital manifestation of the frailty of human resolve. Also, they're really entertaining. if people were able to stick to a cohesive belief system from status to status, Facebook would be so predictable and dull. Here are just a handful of Facebook hypocrites who go out of their way to keep us guessing.

Some profile pics are a mirror into one's own soul.  (Via)

Present company excluded? (Via)

Dan's not going to let you back out of this Adam. Happy 4th.(Via)

.

But that movie is how Ashley feels. (Via)

.

Slut-shaming, thy name is Corinne.(Via)

.

Updated 6/17/14:

That's how people die you hypocritical animals!(Via)

.

But when girls bitch about other girls bitching about other girls bitching... That's fine! (Via)

.

Maybe they're being sincere? "I'm glad everyone behaves just like me. It's good to belong."(Via)

.

"We only went in there to get directions away from there!" -The Simpsons(Via)

She said young girls. That pic on the right was posted after two long days of aging.(Via)

Updated 5/20/14:

Come on. You gotta have one last party for the road. (Via)

.

Fun fact, 95% of all status updates are posted near some form of toilet.(Via)

.

You first. (Via)

.

Can't I just attack others without being attacked for attacking others?(Via)

.

Feeling whatever the opposite of self-aware is. (Via)

.

You know, you can do the missionary position without actually converting people to Christ, duh! (Via)

. 

Posted 4/28/14: 

Also, his mind, soul, and morals are useless. Those abs are all he's got! (Via)

.

What a difference a day can make. (via)

   .

Via mobile!

   .

Um...That's a lovely light switch panel behind you? (Via)

Physician, heal thyself (of fucktardation)!

These two will get to the bottom of this eventually.(Via)

It's different when you do it to monitor your tanning progress. (Via)

You forgot to tag some people. (Via)

Willis who? Willis engaged in an internal battle for control of his moral center. (Via)

You might also enjoy...

Perhaps you would have meant more if you hadn't cheated?(Via)

Good to see you've cheered up...and lost all empathy.(Via)

No, the purpose was for Zuckerberg to get back at a girl. Didn't you see The Social Network? (Via)

You're going to hold him to something he said 25 whole minutes ago? Sheesh!(Via)

Well, when two people love each other very much, they do what you did.(Via)

But how else will Facebook know their review of the first 20 minutes of the movie? (Via)

Baby steps.

And they were bros forever and ever amen. (Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Something else you might enjoy...

Didga think I'd miss this jump?

Didga the cat first tasted fame in her viral video, CAT Super Skateboarding Adventure! Since then, YouTube's CATMANTOO has trained her as a "purrkour" expert. 

Parkour is the act of moving rapidly through an area, typically in an urban environment, negotiating obstacles by running, jumping, and climbing. Purrkour is the same thing but when a cat does it. Yes, most cats attempt seemingly impossible jumps and balancing acts, but Didga is special because her stunts have been edited with sweet slow-motion moments and slick royalty-free atmosphere rock music. 

WARNING: CATMANTOO warns that you should not let your cat try this at home, although I warn against attempting to stop a cat from doing anything. You should note, Didga performs these stunts in Coolangata, Australia. Your cat may do them in the opposite direction.

(by Myka Fox)

Also, no one realized the security guards were actually Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill.

You know how the Internet is cool because it allows you to chat with billions of strangers, and how it's possible for one of those anonymous nobodies to get a moment of glory by sharing a perfectly-timed video with everyone? Well, that anonymous nobody turned out to be very famous somebody LeBron James this weekend, when he happened to post to Instagram a video of the World Cup streaker (I'm using the term loosely. Most-viewed underwear model in history would be more accurate) who ran on the field during the final match between Germany and Argentina.

And that anonymous nobody who ran on the field? It was YouTube somebody Vitaly Zdorovetskiy, a Russian comedian with 6.5 million subscribers for his prank videos, and 211,000 Twitter followers. So, pretty much no one involved in this story that briefly touched the entire globe was actually a normal citizen of the Internet. 

Yet I'm still sure my next tweet will totally make me famous.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Daps with President Mom Jeans

President Obama stopped into Franklin BBQ in Austin, TX for a photo opportunity and food worth waiting in line for. 

By the time POTUS cut in line to get to the front, Daniel Rugg Webb, comedian, musician, and part-time Franklin BBQ employee, was waiting to ring him up at the front, and also to discuss the important issues.

Webb took the opportunity to shout, "Equal rights for gay people!"

"Are you gay?" Obama asked.

Kinda direct, Barry, don't you think? Does the president's stance on equal rights change with the sexuality of the BBQ cashier?

Webb reflected the absurdity of the question perfectly, "Only when I'm having sex."

Got him. 

"That's when he laughed and said, 'Bump me,'" Webb told the Austin Chronicle.

Obama gets a fist pump as he pays for his lunch during a surprise visit to Franklin Barbecue in Texas #obamaaustinpic.twitter.com/sPUAMIAm2S

— Doug Mills (@dougmillsnyt) July 10, 2014

“It was just a lucky day to be the register girl,” says Webb. "If Rick Perry would've walked in, I would have lost my job. I would've taken that old queen to town."

No word from Rick Perry regarding the rumors that he also "fist pounds."

(by Myka Fox)

"My will specifically said IN the Five Guys parking lot, not NEAR." (via Facebook)

First of all: no one was hurt in this story, because the only person who was directly affected by this hearse "malfunction" was already dead. The body fell into the street in Feasterville, PA, near the popular Bucks Crossing Shopping Center and a Five Guys burger place (I don't know if the Five Guys is popular) at noon on Saturday. According to the coroner's office, something went wrong with the rear door latch of the hearse, causing a cadaver strapped to a gurney (fortunately, covered in a sheet) to slide out onto the busy Feasterville thoroughfare of Street Road. Yep, Street Road.

The coroner's office claims the error was discovered and the body recovered "within minutes." This picture was taken by pedestrian passer-by Jerry Bradley, who also helped put the gurney back into the hearse. The coroner's office also "deeply regrets" the incident, but let's be honest: the people of Feasterville are probably not too upset to have something to talk about for the next month-to-twenty-years.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Weird Al (center) and his tacky pals (r,l).

by Bob Powers

He would have been remiss to let the most overplayed pop hit in recent years pass through the public consciousness without addressing it in some manner, and Weird Al would never let himself be called "remiss." Thus, we are given "Tacky," a parody of Pharrell's "Happy" that's as infectious an earworm as the original, but far more intentionally funny. The video enlists Al pals Jack Black, Margaret Cho, Aisha Tyler, and Kristen Schall, among others, flexing their dancing-at-the-camera chops.

This video is the first off Al's new album, Mandatory Fun, out tomorrow, and he's promised to release seven more videos in the coming week, one new one per day.

1. The World Transitions Seamlessly From Caring About Soccer Back Into Caring About Rihanna

After Germany's last minute, overtime defeat of Argentina to win the 2014 World Cup, pop musician and frequently naked person Rihanna was on hand to mingle with the winning players and reaccept the mantle of public interest, on behalf of all gossip website mainstays, for another four years. 

Podolski x RiRi x Shweinsteiger pic.twitter.com/Sq0HDFDcaB

— Rihanna (@rihanna) July 14, 2014

With the World Cup over, Americans now turn their attention back to other things they don't quite understand. Like 4-way stops.

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) July 14, 2014

2. Katherine Heigl Strongly Disagrees With Industry People Who Say She's Disagreeable To Work With

Katherine Heigl—an actress who has gone from starring roles in major motion pictures to starring roles in over-the-counter medication commercials—is denying allegations from industry insiders that she is "difficult" to work with. "I certainly don't see myself as being difficult; I would never intend to be difficult," she told reporters at the Television Critics Association. So, there you go, she refuses to even agree with an accusation as easy as that. So, so difficult.

I don't know who in Hollywood Katherine Heigl pissed off, but I'm glad he/she still let her book that ZzzQuil commercial.

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) March 25, 2014

3. Spanish Police Warn Idiots Not To Stop For Selfies While Running From Massive Murderous Animals With Razor-Sharp Horns

Tourists who slow down to take pictures of themselves running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain may face $4,000 fines from police this year. That is, the ones who actually survive.

I wanna do my own 'running with the bulls' but use kittens with little horns glued to their heads instead :D

— notyourjester (@Loli_Sug) November 20, 2012

4. Chrissy Teigen Was Fired From A Forever 21 Modeling Gig For Being Too Much Of A Big Fat Fatso

Disgustingly obese supermodel Chrissy Teigen recently recounted an incident in which she was fired off the set of a photo shoot for Forever 21 when the representatives for the clothing store found her immense fatness to be too gross for their cameras. "I showed up on set, they asked me if they could take a photo and they shoot that photo off to my agency, who then calls me as I'm sitting in the makeup chair. And they say, 'You need to leave right now. They just said you are fat and you need to come get your measurements taken.'"

.@ChrissyTeigen bares her hot body & bubbly personality on the cover of GQ Mexico http://t.co/y6JGPjhtK8pic.twitter.com/HZeQgyZpgi

— Global Grind (@GlobalGrind) June 27, 2014

What. The. Fuck. Forever 21 doesn't sell maternity clothes? What is a pregnant 21 year old like myself supposed to do?!?

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) September 17, 2013

5. Apples Help Women Have Better Sex, But Not How You're Thinking, You Pervert

According to a new study in the Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics, women who eat a couple apples every day have better "lubrication and overall sexual function" than women with "no regular apple consumption."

Gala apples are pretty, but bland. Like your best friend's girlfriend.

— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) May 20, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)