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40 parenting tweets from celebrities that prove money can't buy you peace.

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Here's the thing, even filthy rich celebrity parents still have to deal with the tyranny of growing children. No amount of couture toys, Ivy league educated nannies, or professional family photo shoots can change the fact that children are out for their parent's blood.

Even when kids are loving and well-behaved and don't secretly desire to make their parent's bones into a couch frame, they still demand a boatload of patience. Patience, like all virtues, cannot be paid for or padded down by money. So, when it comes to the struggle of parenting, celebrities are in a similar emotional boat to everyone else.

Obviously, once more, money and privilege are HUGE factors in the parenting process. Still, these 40 tweets from celebrity parents are relatable to pretty much anyone who has raised a small human.

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Sarah Hyland is getting dragged for ‘insensitive’ comment about Khloe Kardashian getting cheated on.

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In case you missed the news, this week Khloe Kardashian dumped Tristan Thompson after he allegedly cheated on her with Kylie's long time BFF Jordyn Woods.

While Thompson vehemently denied the rumors in a now deleted tweet, Woods has yet to speak up, and both Khloe and her BFF Malika Haqq made it clear they believe the rumor.

View this post on Instagram

We’re as shook as you are. #CommentsByCelebs

A post shared by Comments By Celebs (@commentsbycelebs) on

Naturally, this turn of events is heartbreaking for Khloe, and looks like the plot of a telenovela to the rest of the world. People on Twitter have been pouring out both condolences for Khloe, and hot takes about the whole situation, ranging from cutting to funny to empathetic.

Some of the responses, however, have received backlash for being insensitive to Khloe.

For example, when Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland made a pun about the situation, her mentions were filled with people claiming she was being needlessly callous about Khloe's heartbreak.

While Hyland's tweet was fairly innocuous compared to some of the scathing hot takes, one of the reasons she got dragged is because of her past experiences getting bullied off Twitter. To many, her flippance about Khloe's situation felt hypocritical.

While Hyland received a lot of backlash for her joke, she hasn't engaged or responded to any of it. While her pun doesn't appear to be mean-spirited, it obviously hit a raw nerve after all of the times she's talked about the harm of online bullying.

The 15 most satisfying clapbacks at Fox News in internet history.

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Fox News is President Trump's source for entertainment, affirmation, and intelligence briefings; a spigot of toxic sludge that has lead to violence and people not loving their grandparents anymore.

It's easy to feel powerless in the face of a billion dollar State TV apparatus at the heart of a vast media empire, but there's one thing that not even all the money in the world can suppress: the Twitter clapback. Here are the best ones.

1. The professional term is "throwing the baby out with the bathwater."


2. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say?


3. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that "actors" are playing "characters."


4. This is listed in the dictionary under "self-own."


5. "You’re a millionaire funded by billionaires... and what they want you to do is scapegoat immigrants instead of talking about their tax evasion" was such a good read that Tucker Carlson refused to air it.


6. Michael Scott burns are the best burns.


7. Of course Fox News managed to be racist while mourning Aretha Franklin.


8. Little Brother 2020.


9. Oh Captain, My Captain.

captain america i can do this all day GIF


10. Maybe Fox and Friends should Google their guests first?


11. The real Fake News.


12. And these things are supposed to be bad?


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14. Finally, some truth.


15. Thank u, Fox.

19 times people found an object and had no idea what it was until the internet stepped in.

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The internet may cause a lot of problems. But it also really good at helping you solve them. Before Google.com, there was Altavista.com and AskJeeves.com. But before that, if you can even imagine a time that long ago, when we needed to find answers to questions, we had to actually (a) find another human being and ask them, (b) go to a library, or (c) choose to live in ignorance.

Fortunately, those dark days are long behind us. And the internet is always there when we need answers to literally any question. There's actually a whole Reddit page devoted to people asking the internet to help them identify random found objects. Here are twenty examples, including our best guess, which was almost always wrong. Thank you, internet, for setting us straight!

1. "Green alien thing that grew on my band aid." Guess: alien poop.

Answer, c/o PantsuitNixon:

My guess, as a former R&D director at an OTC drug lab, is that the acrylate in the adhesive has absorbed too much ambient moisture over the last five years (or has been exposed to higher-than-usual temperatures and lower-than-usual humidity) and is precipitating out of the adhesive solution that keeps a bandaid stuck to your skin. The green is likely a result of that precipitation leaching some component of the bandage color that's green at the right pH. These both explain the uniformity of color and crystallization, but since medical devices like bandages don't require ingredient lists on their packaging, I can't say what it might be specifically.

If stored in a stable, dry environment at a comfortable temperature, bandages will last for eternity. But they aren't manufactured to withstand temperature and humidity fluctuations over long periods of time. The standard stability testing aims for a two-year shelf life on just about anything you can buy at a pharmacy (exceptions being products that don't degrade at all, like epsom salts).

Edit: Or they're sprinkles.

Edit: leeching to leaching

2. "What is this demonic looking creature?" Guess: extremely horny moth.

Answer:

3. "What is this? Found it by my toaster. Please don't tell me it's some kind of cockroach molt." Guess: overcooked toaster strudel.

Answer:

4. This was "found lying on the floor of server room." Guess: toy missle.

Answer:

"GOOD LUCK W THAT BUD"

5. "Found in my dads toolbox, no idea what they are (he's a carpenter)."

Guess: uhh, screws?

Answer:

6. "Security camera recorded this guy knocking on my door late at night. What is this in his hand?" Guess: walkie talkie?

Answer, via explohd:

It may be a ham radio operator looking for a source of interference. He may have tracked the source of interference to your house or a nearby neighbor. One of your electrical devices may be producing a lot of radio interference for some reason and he's interested in stopping that interference. Every electronic device should not be producing radio interference, but if it is there may be a problem or fault with it that you may be unaware of.

Edit- u/AnticitizenPrime has suggested that it may be a FCC contractor sent to find a source of interference. I'm not sure about the time so I'm not going to speculate as to why they may be there so late in the evening.

Also, there is no better time than now to get your amateur radio license. Start out with a technician class license and move on up as you learn more.

7. "What is this rodent that just climbed out of my toilet???" Guess: toilet mouse?

Answer, via happyrock:

the flat tail makes me want to say flying squirrel. they're super common in the NE but nocturnal so folks don't realize they are around. Also has pretty huge eyes for a rodent that size. Pull his legs apart and see if he has flaps I guess. They also have more of a 'rat' outline/ hind end than a grey which matches your little buddy. An adult grey would also have gnarly claws, bigger feet. I'm @ like 80% flying squirrel. https://goo.gl/images/zrWR4k

Poor guy. Hope he found his wings again.

8. "Found on the bank of Ohio River, what is this thing?" Guess: antique butt plug.

Answer, via spargelkol:

The first "rectal dilators" were patented in 1892 by Dr. Young. And they look just like this.

http://www.sexualhistorytour.com/the-birth-of-the-butt-plug/

9. "Weird Fish Found In Garden After Storm" Guess: Nemo's evil twin.

Answer:

Welp. Close.

10. "I found this thing in my food. It was just stuck to a piece of meat; it wasn't lodged into it or anything. Anyone know what it is?" Guess: new club drug.

Answer via b_Eridanus:

cattle/pig microchip for meat traceability, i'd say. http://www.agriexpo.online/prod/i-d-ology/product-173571-52418.html

These really aren't supposed to get into food. If you're at a restaurant, I'd complain to the manager. If you bought the meat and cooked it yourself, I'd contact the purveyor.

If I wasn't already vegetarian, I'd be one now!

11. "Found on a remote beach in the Bahamas. Is this a part of a plane or a boat?" Guess: it's a BOAT-PLANE.

Answer, via nmk456:

/u/abod02 in /r/SpaceXLounge said it is a Delta IV fairing. If you look at this image, the groups of 4 holes exactly match those on the pictures. Also, the many holes in the bottom and the sides match those in this picture.

Still standing by "boat-plane."

12. "Found this under a cupboard, what is it?!" Guess: lmfao it's obviously a weed grinder. Did my mom post this?

Answer: it's a "spice" grinder. Sure, just regular old spices, like cumin and coriander. Okay. Got it.

(IT IS FOR WEED THOUGH)

13. "Saw on my flight to cali, no idea how to google it." Guess: grounded U.F.O.​​​​​​

Answer, via Red_Icnivad:

Specifically, this looks like Concentrated Thermal Solar. It uses mirrors to reflect the light to a central tower which is barely visible in your picture due to the glare coming off of it. The light is then converted to heat where it drives a steam turbine, or some other heat engine.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concentrated_solar_power

What's even cooler than a U.F.O.? SOLAR POWER.

14. "Found in airbnb. Thought it was an air freshener but looks to be a camera? Had tissue over it." Guess: your AirBnB host is spying on you, buddy.

Answer, via flop-flop-flop:

It's part of a Verisure security package, as seen on this page

And confirmed by h0tdawg:

Yes, have the similar system at my home. It's a camera with an IR tracker. It won't take pictures or record if the alarm isn't set off. Or so the Verisure-guys told me.

15. "What are these things and what are they doing?" Guess: they are slugs and they are cuddling.

Answer (drum roll, please):

16.) "My grandfather left me this after he passed. It is a wooden block with this on top of it." Guess: old-school calculator.

Answer, via Thumbs0fDestiny:

Looks like a reusable scorecard.

Possibly for pinochle like this one

https://goo.gl/images/6GhRen

And today I learned what PINOCHLE is.

17) "I found this under the floor boards in a 1800's era house." Guess: weapon of penile destruction.

Answer:

Only mildly disappointed.

18.) "What in the absolute f*** is ON MY CAR." Guess: funky hood ornament from Etsy.

Answer:

That was tooooooootally my next guess.

19.) "This UFO looking thing on a truck." Guess: a UFO on a truck, on its way to an unknown government facility where it will be destroyed.

Answer, via fattyac1d:

F-35

Obviously, this last answer is a blatant lie.

But with that exception, thank you to the internet for helping us when we can't help ourselves—which, tbh, is most of the time.

23 Memes That Will Only Be Funny If You Have A Dog.

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All of the dog lovers out there will go wild for these hilarious and adorable memes. Grab your fur baby and get ready to sit, stay and laugh at this hilarious list of pawesome dog memes.

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Woman’s viral thread perfectly breaks down how grieving feels over time.

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Grief is not only non-linear, but completely inconceivable until you've experienced it firsthand. Even then, grief manifests differently depending on how you emotionally process, who you lost, how you lost them, and the strength of your support system.

Attempting to explain grief, and the ways mourning comes and goes at will, can be incredibly difficult. How do you sum up a sadness that is constantly shifting and often out of grasp? Death and loss, while normal, still don't settle into our brains lightly, so it makes sense that we're sent into a jolt of non-linear emotional grappling.

The Twitter user Lauren Herschel quickly went viral for her thread on grief, wherein she shared the visual analogy of "the ball and the box."

The theory was first shared by Herschel's doctor, who uses it to describe how grief is triggered in the brain.

Essentially, the theory sums up grief as a ball in a box with a pain button. The ball is largest immediately after a trauma or loss, which means almost any action can trigger the pain button. But, as time goes on, the ball often gradually shrinks and the pain button is activated less often.

While it may get smaller, the ball of grief usually lasts forever, and sometimes the pain button will be activated when you least expect. Also, it's not unusual for certain pain button triggers to cause the ball of grief to grow larger for a period, after you thought it had permanently shrunk.

The thread quickly filled up with people sharing how grief has affected them, and how well the analogy sums up a nearly indescribable process of healing.

As one woman so succinctly put it, we all have to experience grief eventually, so we might as well have the language for it.

Hopefully, this analogy can help even more people learn how to approach and express their experience with grief. Being able to communicate your heaviness does a lot to lighten the load.

26 Memes Men Probably Won't Find Funny.

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These memes perfectly nail what it's like being a woman in 2019. Ladies, get ready to laugh your asses off at this hilarious meme list.

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A teacher’s viral assignment to get Katy Perry’s attention has polarized the internet.

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In order to spice up the classroom, the junior high and highschool government teacher Brian Kwan gives his students a special opportunity for a perfect grade. Each year, students in his classes at Anaheim Discovery Christian School are guaranteed an A+ if they are able to bring Katy Perry to class, or a B if they receive a direct shout out from the pop star.

Each year, the students have laughed it off or largely foregone the joking challenge. That is, until this year.

This year, Kwan's student Jonathan quickly went viral when he asked Twitter to help him complete the mission of bringing Perry to class.

A lot of people are riffing on how silly the assignment is, and how it's a brilliant way for Kwan to channel his crush on the pop star, while still rooting for Jonathan to get that shout out.

Still, a lot of people find the challenge - whether joking or not, to be a weird power flex from the teacher.

One guy pointed out how the playful assignment actually provides an important lesson about bribery and power, whether intended or not.

Still, a lot of people find the assignment funny, and maintain that Kwan is just presenting a joke to his students with no real expectations.

At the time of writing this, Perry is yet to respond to the viral tweet, but it's certainly not too late for dreams to come true.


Brilliant Girl Scout goes viral for using Jason Momoa's pecs to sell cookies.

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While business magazines focus on tech startups and their CEOs, the entrepreneur of the year comes from a different troop.

Charlotte Holmberg, a Girl Scout and fifth grader from Highlands Ranch, Colorado, sold 2,000 boxes of cookies last year and is bringing out the big guns for 2019. Specifically, Jason Momoa's big guns.

Charlotte's mom works in marketing, and stumbled upon the meme celebrating the fact that "Samoa" rhymes with "Momoa," and "Momoa" is Jason Momoa's last name.

After a quick rebrand, Charlotte started selling her Samoas as "Momoas," and the boxes give a new meaning to "Jason Momoa is a SNACK."

The sweets were a hit all across the state, because it doesn't get any sweeter than Jason Momoa.

‪Thank you Kim Christiansen and Kristen Aguirre of 9NEWS (KUSA) for supporting Girl Scout Charlotte and purchasing a package of Jason Momoa Samoas!

Posted by Girl Scouts of Colorado on Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Aquaman's Justice League coworker knows what it's like.

The Momoas have taken Colorado by storm, and not only because weed is legal there. Moms are both thirsty and hungry for Momoa.

"The moms are getting really excited and they’re saying that they need them!" Charlotte told Denver’s 9News last week. "The girls will want to buy some because he’s on the front. And the boys will also wanna buy some because he’s like, he might be like their favorite character."

If you can't fly to Colorado to get cookies, quench your thirst for Aquaman here:

26 Utterly Random Memes Everyone Should Laugh At This Morning.

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You're going crack up at this hilarious list of memes. Grab your coffee and start scrolling. Your morning is about to get funny as hell.

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Kylie Jenner's BFF Jordyn Woods finally broke her silence after cheating with Tristan Thompson.

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It would be a phenomenal understatement to say the last week has been dramatic and event filled for the Kardashian-Jenner crew. Earlier this week, Khloe Kardashian dumped Tristan Thompson after rumors spread that he cheated with Kylie's (former) long time BFF Jordyn Woods.

Naturally, this whole plot line is heartbreaking for Khloe and the whole Kardashian family, since Woods was considered a close friend and Thompson is the father of baby True.

Up until this point, there's been relative silence from both Woods and Thompson. Right after the rumor broke, Thompson posted a tweet saying the cheating scandal was "fake news" but he quickly deleted it.

Woods, on the other hand, has kept off social media and remained silent until last night when she stepped out for an eyelash event.

While she didn't speak directly about her betrayal of the Kardashians, Woods referenced the debacle when she greeted her guests.

"Thank you guys for coming out and supporting me through everything that’s going on. It’s been real," she said.

https://twitter.com/Un/status/109882761329079910surp

UnsurprisingUnsurprisingly, people on Twitter have fully gone to town with the jokes and hot takes about Woods' role in this endless drama.

Woods has been kicked out of Kylie's house, where she was previously living, and she's not set to move back in with her mom. She's also been completely removed from Khloe's Good American website (where she previously modeled), and her lip kit has been slashed to fifty percent off. The Kardashians are not playing when it comes to cutting her off.

Woodsly

Ivanka Trump is getting dragged for calling the White House a 'driver for science.'

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Donald Trump and science go together as well as Donald Trump and democratic institutions, in that, yes, Ivanka Trump's job is to gloss over the bad stuff and insist that they gel.

Fresh off of attending the Munich Security Conference (what?) and hosting the Chancellor of Austria (why?), the White House Senior Advisor (seriously.) is here to say that Donald "I don't exercise because it's a waste of energy" Trump is good for SCIENCE!!!

She retweeted tweets from the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, which is the most a Trump has ever done for science, other than prove the theory of evolution.

People aren't buying Ivanka's spin, like they weren't buying the president's hot take that climate change can't be real if it's cold sometimes.

If facts and scientific inquiry are important to this administration, then we have yet to see scientific proof.

The White House isn't ambivalent on matters of science—they are actively against it.

Trump has stacked the federal government full of climate change deniers, fossil fuel lobbyists, and anti-vaxxers.

Oh, and he's a climate change denier and anti-vaxxer himself.

Well at least we can trust that the Secretary of Education respects science and will insure that the next generation is full of informed innovators.

Haha, no.

12 people share their most ‘on brand’ childhood stories. Time changes nothing.

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What with the political hellfire engulfing us, nostalgia's never been more in. Adults are all too eager to look back on their childhoods, reveling in both a child's carefree existence and the relative stability of the Clinton era and whatever preceded it (I'm about to turn 28, for reference). What were the 80's like?

Kathryn Brightbill posed a question this week that became a hotly trending topic, as it asked people to share their most 'on brand' childhood story.

Users quickly chimed in, happy to have an opportunity to mine their memories for hilarious - and occasionally insightful - stories. The thread has climbed to over 8,000 responses and is still going.

Some people interpreted the question as an invitation to humblebrag, which I don't really understand. Maybe they were tenacious children, which led them to success later in life? Or have they always been motivated by spite? Am I being too hard on them?! Who's to say.

In case I WAS too mean, here's my (somewhat embarrassing) story as atonement: at about 8, I showed off to classmates on the playground by eating an ant. Another girl heard about it - didn't even see it! - and was so disgusted, she threw up. It terrified some of my classmates' mothers, who judged me and tried to keep their daughters away from me. That pattern would repeat throughout my life and it didn't fuel my feminist fire at all ;)

'Feminist' guy loses his sh*t when female artist won't draw a free portrait for his grandma.

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There's a huge difference between virtue signaling a certain ideology and actually living the values. Anyone can claim they're a feminist who is working tirelessly to promote a more equal world for women, but none of those claims hold water if you're a jerk who mistreats women in your personal life.

Sadly, all too often there are wolves in sheep's clothing, waving the banners of a cause or virtue while promoting the opposite effect in their personal life. In a recent Reddit post, user Sunriseglow (insert reddit link) shared a prime example of this disconnect.

It all started when she was approached by a guy at her school who runs the feminist club (there's a lot to unpack in that sentence alone). The conversation kicked off fairly normal, he saw her art online and wanted to commission a portrait of himself to gift to his sick grandmother.

However, the conversation quickly escalated into a whole mess when he revealed he didn't want to pay for the artwork. He made it very apparent that he felt entitled to a free picture because his grandma was hospitalized. At first, the artist was gracious with him, and explained that she empathized with his grandma but needs to be paid for her skills and supplies. This is when it somehow got worse.

Rather than owning his misstep like a mature adult, the entitled guy made matters worse by hitting on the artist and claiming she could "take him out" in lieu of being paid. He even upped the ante by saying because he's a feminist, he'd allow he to pay for dinner. So essentially, he considers his company worth a free dinner and piece of art.

Understandably, this left the artist at an impasse, and she called him out for his absurd entitlement. At this point he fully flew off the handle and called her names, revealing himself to be a shining example of how to oust yourself from the title of "male feminist."

People on Reddit were quick to roast his hypocrisy and awful personality. There are just so many levels of BS to call out, it's hard to narrow it down.

This should go without saying, but artists deserve to get paid for their work, and asking a woman to take you out on a date in the middle of a business transaction is highly disrespectful, even without all the name calling.

25 hilarious tweets from women this week that have nothing to do with Trump.

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It's been a crazy week in Washington, with Trump tweeting through the "national emergency" and celebrating that his followers were guilty of one less hate crime.

None of these tweets have anything to do with these things. Enjoy!

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25 Workplace Memes Everyone Should Laugh At By 5pm.

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You bust your rump all damn week at work. It's time to take a break and laugh at these totally hilarious memes. If your boss catches you, just tell him I said it was OK.

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Guy devises incredible revenge plot against neighbors who keep backing into his fence.

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I heard through the grapevine that you enjoy stories of delicious revenge. Is that true? It is? In that case, I've got a tasty treat for you.

One man couldn't stand his rude neighbors, so he concocted a creative - and effective - revenge plot. His son, Redditor MihaM12, shared the entire saga and people can't get enough of it.

I saw your crazy neighbor stories and now I bring you my father's that stuck in my memory. English is not my first language and I hope I didn't make many spelling mistakes. Tl;dr at bottom

We live in a small private neighborhood, the neighbors are related to us more or less (distant relatives). Everybody here is a complete nutjob. They were constantly arguing over decades before me or my brother were even born.

Our property line is kinda like a square and it is surrounded by road from two sides. Keep in mind that on one part of the road we let our neughbors use 1 square meter of the land so they could use the road safer and not damage our property This is cruicial information.

This road is made of gravel. The neighbors want my parents and only my parents to pay for the entire cost to lay an asphalt road. My dad and my mother are constantly fixing pot holes for 90% of the road, so naturally, our neighbors thought that they will to pay for the asphalt road. Classic r/choosingbeggars

Fast forward 20 years, the road remains gravel -ish. Nobody wanted to pay for the asphalt road. One day my neighbors order a massive truck filled with tons of wood.

The truck driver runs over our fence. Nobody wanted to pay for the damage. Our fence is made out of multiple bushes, trees and a little bit of metal fence too. These plants were now completely destroyed and a part of metal fence completely bent. We had to replant these plants and place a new metal fence. My father told me this was not the first time this happend but actually third. I couldn't believe it when I heard this.

So this is where the revenge begins.

My father is a police officer in the department where they mostly handle frauds, drug busts etc. He knows the law well.

He dug up the property line marker and placed plastic barrels filled with rocks on our property. In the next 6 hours 3 of our neighbors came knocking on the door because they hit our plastic barrels filled with rocks. They were angry and wanted to call the cops. But they never did. Because everybody knew that little part of land was still our property. One neighbor in particular treathened my dad that he will throw a fucking pickaxe at my father's back. Over the period of 1 year these neighbors hit the barrels so much with their cars that the barrels are now worthless.

My dad was furious and he changed his petty revenge into a prorevenge. He cut some wood to use it as a mold. He bought cement, sand and metal poles. One peaceful afternoon my father and I cemented that whole part of the land and placed some lovely flovers on top. So when they hit the concrete they can smell our flowers of victory/defeat.

As we expected. 5 neighbors in total wrecked their cars on the new fence and nobody came knocking on the door.

Tl:dr Neighbors ran over our fence. Did not want to pay. Dad installed a better fence that wrecked their cars.

Edit #1: Thank you all for upvoting this post. I have a lot more stories to tell about my neighbors. I will post them soon! The next story cointains something similar but with a lawyer for some sewer stuff.

You all wanted to see the wall. I told my dad I posted his story on internet and he was scared at first but then I told him you all supported him. He was then more proud of his plan :)

I asked him if we still had any videos of the wall or crashes. We looked over at his computer, then my computer. Nothing. So I went outside and took a picture with my phone. It was really dark. Here is the picture and keep in mind, I will take another picture in the morning when there is more light outside. I promise!

The wall at daylight: http://imgur.com/exIh3Mz The wall at night: https://imgur.com/a/PYBqOwA Sketch of the property line: https://imgur.com/a/ibRdN6L And a special picture for some of you from r/legaladvice that wanted a MS paint stuff: https://imgur.com/a/cYnDBTh

Good fences make good neighbors, but sometimes neighbors knock over your fence repeatedly and you've got to wreck eight of their cars in retaliation. It's the American way. Fellow Redditors admired the dad's commitment to avenging himself.

This is the kind of story that deserves photos. Sounds fantastic.

-MisterSlosh

I like how OP’s dad manage to upgrade from pettyrevenge to ProRevenge...

-pinknemo

Too bad that y’all didn’t install a video camera in the flower box to capture their facial expressions!

-davis31b

Wait am I the only one who wants to hear more about this thrown pickaxe?

-Korashy

Neighbours:desroys some1s fence

Their dad:Installw concrete fence and wrecks 8 of their cars

-Thats how mafia works-

Mikecool_3

Guy’s sexist list explaining how to be a ‘beautiful woman’ blows up in his face.

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Every day presents a fresh opportunity for a man online to tell women how he feels about them, and without fail, there is always a man who takes this liberty in the worst way. Today's culprit is none other than Alexander J.A. Cortes, the speaker and writer who boasts the ability to "optimize your life."

In case you're not familiar with his past work, he once went viral for mansplaining why women shouldn't dye their hair, and now he's back with a fresh axe to grind.

Nothing quite sums up my feelings for him as accurately as this baby GIF:

In Cortes' latest piece of performance art (which is unfortunately just his real personality), he unironically laid out a bonkers explainer list on how to be a Beautiful Woman. This is truly the apex of flaming trash no one asked for, and yet, here we are swimming in this overheated dumpster.

Before the backlash poured out in its full and vivacious glory, Cortes followed his ambitious list up with disclaimers stating that any women who disagree with it are "undersexed" and angry.

He even posted a selfie to really get women lusting over his infinite knowledge of desirability.

He even laid out his exhaustingly cliche and heteronormative expectations of women as indicators of their "wife value," which is a fictional currency men in the Red Pill community created to devalue women that scare them.

His fat-shaming and bonkers beauty expectations would suggest he views himself as a sort of modern day Gaston, traipsing about the village with an impossible neck, waiting for his Belle.

After doubling down on his cartoonish brand of misogyny, Cortes dedicated another selfie to all the women that want to "hate fuck" him.

Unsurprisingly, his unbelievable existence and wildly outdated views on women and relationships ushered in a proper dragging.

People truly cannot believe he's real, but if you dive into his social media, he seems to be genuinely drinking the Koolaid.'

He brought all of this on himself.

His tweet inspired a few response lists with suggestions for men.

Honestly, it's mildly terrifying and deeply depressing that Cortes actually walks around the world with these alien ideals about women. However, in the very least, he has given the internet so many jokes in the process.

The internet is losing it over this f*ckable statue of shirtless Abraham Lincoln.

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Sorry, Michaelangelo's David. There's a new marble heartthrob inspiring fire in flesh-and-blood loins and it's of...*record scratch*...Abraham Lincoln?

Screenwriter Zack Stentz shared a photo of a statue blessing the halls of the Los Angeles courthouse that features a shirtless Abraham Lincoln appearing to wear the 19th century version of grey sweatpants, and sensually pulling them down.

Sexy Abraham Lincoln is certainly inspiring an uprising in the south ;)

The Golden Girls knew Abraham Lincoln personally.

Sexy Abe is inspiring puns across the union, even though he famously isn't into bondage ;) ;) (double winky face).

America really is horny for a good president.

President Baberaham Twinkoln is inspiring some vital new ideas.

It's not the first time that the Lincoln Thirst Trap has gone viral. He has a doppelganger in the DC Office of Public Records.

The backstory behind Honest Abs is as tantalizing as the statue itself. Sexy Abraham Lincoln was sculpted by James Lee Hansen, who used his gangly, six-packed self as the model of the great emancipator. He entered a government competition and low and behold,

Welcome to the club, people!

Abraham Lincoln has long been my dream man: he's 6'4", sensitive, and liked going to the theater for a bang.

Too soon?

23 Boozy Memes For Anyone Who's Going To Get Lit This Weekend.

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If you're planning on getting drunk this weekend this meme list is for you. It's hilarious, relatable, and won't leave you with a hangover. Cheers to the weekend!

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