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15 dudes share the dumbest sh*t they ever did to get laid. Chugging pickle juice isn't cute.

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Ah, the things we do for love! As the old saying goes, love makes you do crazy things. And what whoever came up with that saying (my mom?) meant is that love makes you do stupid things. And this goes for crushes as well. When trying to impress someone we're interested in, we often revert to the dumbest of ideas because we're blinded by our desperation. Who among us hasn't done something idiotic in an attempt to court a crush?

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While women have experience their fair share of making foolish decisions for a partner, we're here today to focus on the men who have done the same. A Reddit user (pm_me_your_choker) asked the men of Reddit, "Guy’s who did something stupid for a girl, what did you do?" And damn, did they deliver. Here are fifteen of our top picks.

1. illpicklater

I let another kid punch me in the face, it worked.

2. genesluder

wrote a fucking poem in a word document and emailed her

3. Paranoid_Arachnoid

She crashed her bike going down a paved road so I did the same to impress her (or to make her feel better, I really dont know my reasoning). She landed in the ditch. I did not.

4. shady7899

Enrolled in the same Uni, she stopped talking to me 2 weeks later. :(

5. Ppudds

Not me but back in middle school a friend of mine made a graffito on the wall of a girl's house in the middle of night, saying he loved her. He misspelled her name.

6. Spellslayer

I met a girl and fell head-over-heels for her. She lived in another state, nevertheless, we started a long distance relationship. Coincidentally, she had just lost her job, so I sent her money every week. (Almost my entire check) and I drove out to see her every chance I got. That autumn I found out she had a boyfriend and was just using me to pay her rent. I was at work when I found out and just… left. I had to confront her about deceiving me. I drove 3 hours to her house and by the time I got there, I knew it didn’t matter. She wasn’t the person I thought she was. I gave her everything I had for nothing in return. Instead of being mad or saying something that would ‘win her back’ I told her that she a horrible person for lying to me; That I hope someday someone hurts her as much as she did me. The next day I went back to my job to see if I could get my last paycheck. My boss took me into his office and laid into me about being irresponsible and failing the company… While I was sitting there, I could barely hear him as all I could think about was how stupid I was and suddenly, I started crying. I mean torrents of tears, ugly cry. I must have bawled for a good ten minutes. My boss stopped berating me and silently waited for me to get control of myself. Then, in a very sympathetic tone, he told me “It’s ok. I was in love like that once. We all do stupid things in the name of love. Try to learn from this. It may seem like the world is ending but it’s not. You’ll be ok.” Then he sent me back to work stating that we never have to talk about it again. (He was a good boss and a great guy.)

7. III_Apartment

Getting up from the bleachers to play PE dodgeball, i tried to pull my sweat pants off while yelling “LET’S DO THIS!”

Ended up yanking off everything, boxers and all.

8. VariousTumbleWeed0

In elementary school when I walked by this girl I liked I would pretend to chew gum and crack my knuckles cause I thought I’d look “cool.”

9. MemeDeli

I drank a jar of pickle juice as a dare. 5 minutes later I was covered in pickled vomit.

10. lard_on_a_plate

I once pretended to be drunk and I flirted with her best friend to try and make her jealous and then because of that she said that I wasn’t who she thought I was and she stopped liking me. I wanted to make her think I was cool but instead I made her think I was an ass.

11. laterdude

I took her to a Chick-Fil-A rally to protest their anti-LGBTQIA+ policies. Unfortunately it was a windy afternoon and when I opened my passenger door to let her back inside my car, the breeze caught a Chick Fil-A wrapper that had been hidden under my seat. Foiled by my love of their chicken yet again!

12. SPD41485

Jumped over a fire pit and ruined my right knee, doctors were amazed I ever managed to walk let alone have full use

13. xPhilemonx

Back in elementary school a girl asked me to be her bodyguard. I said yes and got beat up the next break by 5 Boys.

14. Captain-butters

This girl I really likes ages ago didn't really know who I was. I gave her a Wii for her birthday and it was probably the creepiest thing ever to her. I thought it was a sure fire way to win her heart, get married and all that Disney crap.

15 year old me was stoooooopid.

15. Toddpole

In high school this girl who I was close friends with (but also had a not so secret crush on) told me once how she really loved those HUGE 7 foot tall teddy bears, so I told her one day I'd buy her one and she laughed, writing it off as a joke.

Fast forward like 3 years later when we're going to the same local college and reconnected after slowly drifting apart after high school. She tells me one day that she's sick so I do the only logical thing. Drive to Costco after class, drop 200 bucks on that huge teddy bear, stuff it into the backseat of my tiny Honda Civic, drive incredibly dangerously since the bear is taking up my entire rear window, then show up at her front door. She says it feels too weird and romantic given our past (me having that not so secret crush back in high school and her having to tell me multiple times that we're better off as friends) so I do the whole drive back and return the bear.


Elizabeth Warren declared war on Fox News and conservatives are offended.

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Fox News is not a regular network, it's a cool network a propaganda outlet with a direct line to the White House, stirring up rage and xenophobia to sell catheters and get its executives tax breaks.

Presidential candidate and devoted dog momSenator Elizabeth Warren announced on Tuesday that she doesn't want to play any role in pretending that Fox News is anything but a hate factory, turning down an offer to have a town hall on the channel between My Pillow commercials.

There's more to the news than Liz just saying "nah." She called out Fox News for what it is, calling it a "hate-for-profit" racket that's at the center of the nation's ills. Warren accused the network of hosting Democratic town halls as cover for their filth, so they can pretend that they actually report news.

Senator Warren, mother of the Consumer Protection Financial Bureau, knows how big money works, and therefore how to stop it.

Warren isn't cutting off Fox News viewers from her campaign, but she's cutting off Fox News from getting a huge chunk of ad revenue.

Like everything ever, this move has initiated a debate, with some people applauding Warren's move and others calling her a coward.

Warren is going ALL IN on her boycott, keeping it up on Instagram and asking her followers to sign a petition.

Conservative pundits are pissed about Warren coming for their safe space, accusing Warren of doing the dividing, claiming that THEY are the real victims here, because of course they are.

Tucker Carlson has yet to respond, but he's likely to make this face:

Pin-up artist creates NSFW Game of Thrones erotica that would make Khal Drogo blush

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Andrew Tarusov is a pin-up and illustration artist living and working in Moscow. He went viral before when he did Disney characters as if they were drawn by Tim Burton.

His latest creations are comic book-style Game of Thrones characters that leave a little to the imagination, but then if you contribute to his Patreon he'll reveal all. Do these turn you on?

23 Ridiculously Random Memes Everyone Should Laugh At This Morning.

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Hey, I heard you like laughing. If that's true, these memes are just the thing you need to get your chuckle on this morning.

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Just 23 Random Memes To Make You Laugh This Morning.

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It's hard to have complex thoughts before noon, so we'll keep it simple. Here are 23 hilariously random memes that will crack you up and make your day at least 73% better.

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James Corden shuts down troll who wished cancer on his kid for spoiling 'Game of Thrones.'Shame!

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Carpool Karaoke King James Corden isn't just here to belt out tunes with our favorite celebs, he's also out here inspiring people to play nice on the internet. What a truly delightful human.

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During Monday night's episode of The Late Late Show, Corden delivered a bit that compared Donald Trump to a character in Game of Thrones. (Here is your official warning: GoT spoilers ahead). When talking about Trump's imposed trade war with China, Corden jokes about his fear that Trump will ride one a dragon and burn down an entire city if he doesn't get his way. Personally I feel this is giving Trump too much credit -- he is no mother dragons -- but I digress.

The internet generally hates and is unfair to a lot of things (women, for example), but spoilers take the cake for this. People lose their GD minds over spoilers. And such was the case for a certain Twitter user who replied to Corden's bit with a hostile, since deleted tweet.

According to the Blast, the deleted tweet said:

“It’s f****d up you can’t even watch TV without a fat f**k spoiling something… Luckily I got to see it before this, but seriously I hope his kid gets cancer."

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James Corden took it upon himself to personally reply to this troll and eloquently explain why it was offensive.

When trolling online, people forget the severity of their words. Hiding behind a screen can make it easier to say horrible things, as you aren't forced to look the person you're targetting in the eye. Telling someone you hope their kid get cancer is repugnant, but firing it off in a tweet can feel almost like an afterthought as you angrily scroll through your feed, bitter about spoilers and whatever else. Corden's careful response brings this person back down to the real world, where horrible comments are delivered to a living human being. And his optimistic, forgiving attitude at the end of his response is the sweet yet refreshing cherry on top. Like I said, delightful human.

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And I'm not the only one singing his praises.

We stan Carpool Karaoke King James Corden.

Girl asks notorious photoshopper to make her look 'skinny' and 'pretty.' His response goes viral.

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Photoshop wizard James Fridman is known for using his incredible graphic design talents to brilliantly troll the people who request his services. It's not that he doesn't follow their directions—in fact, he often follows them quite literally. But the end result is rarely exactly what the requester had in mind.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

But though Fridman's end results are often hilarious, he ultimately likes to use his powers for good and to teach people a lesson about a larger social issue. Recently, he received a request from a girl who has struggled with her weight for years. The request reads:

Hey James! Love your work! Your hilarious! And knowing you, you probably won't do this and I know you get this message A LOT but here goes. Ok. So I've struggled with my weight ever since I was like...what 7? I've tried everything to lose weight too! I've done sports, ate healthy, exercises, took pills. LEGIT. EVERYTHING. but I still remain..um fat. Please just make me skinny for once it would be a huge favor! I just want to see what I would look like if I was pretty! Thanks! <3

Clearly she had a sense right off the bat that his response would not be to shrink her body to the size of a Kardashian who funnels millions into a personal trainer and subsists off laxative tea and dry cereal. And she was correct. But instead of using his photoshop skills to transform her into something funny, he used his platform to drop some knowledge, and returned her photo exactly as is. Here was his response:

"Skinny doesn't necessarily mean pretty," he wrote. "Don't let the struggle of trying to lose weight take the fun out of your life. Stay active, eat healthy and let yourself be happy just the way you are."

That may be the best "weight loss" advice I've ever read; it's no wonder the tweet went viral with over 55,000 likes and counting. And in a rare twist, the internet has responded with kindness for once:

Turns out, this guy's wizardry skills extend beyond manipulating images. He could strike up a successful side hustle as a personal fitness guru or therapist. Twitter agrees.

But let's hope he never stops photoshopping. Because the world needs this brilliance:

And this:

WE ARE NOT WORTHY.

Man claims his girlfriend ‘nags’ him to do more parenting and gets ripped a new one by another dad.

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Being a parent is not an easy task, no matter how much support you may have from extended family, friends, and the greater community. The consistent exhaustion faced by moms and dads can only thoroughly be fathomed if you're also a parent, and even then, everyone faces different obstacles.

That being said, because of the nature of sexism, moms face far more societal pressure and scrutiny regardless of how good a parent they are. While there are many fantastic fathers dividing tasks and loving on their children, the embedded nature of (hetero) gender roles still goes strong. In action, this means a dad will often get applauded for packing his kid's lunch or watching the kids while the mom goes out, while those same tasks will be expected of the mom.

Sadly, random strangers on the street and mom-shaming commenters online aren't the only ones who have internalized double standards about motherhood and fatherhood. Some fathers, whether intentional or not, have carried these engrained ideals into their own families.

In a recent Reddit post on the Am I The Asshole subreddit, a dad asked the internet whether he's wrong for thinking motherhood and fatherhood are innately different.

Now, at face value, that statement would be correct, motherhood and fatherhood are very different experiences. However, the context for his question made a lot of people side with his girlfriend.

In his query, he shared how his girlfriend "nags" him to help out more with their daughter, and that he doesn't think it's natural for dads to pick up as much work as moms.

"My girlfriend and I have a daughter who is the absolute light of my life. My girlfriend has always been more of a hands on parent, but I am actively involved in our daughter's life and do things with her every day. However, my girlfriend often nags me about doing more for our daughter and yells at me for not anticipating what our daughter needs all the time. I pointed out to her that motherhood and fatherhood are fundamentally different from a biological perspective; from the beginning, she needed to have more hands on time with our daughter because of post partum depression and breast feeding and such, and these types of things carry on through childhood as our daughter is naturally more used to physical contact and comfort from her mother than from me."

He claimed his girlfriend did not like his take on fatherhood, and asked commenters if they also believe his view is sexist.

"My girlfriend did not like this at all and blew up at me and accused me of being sexist. I am not sexist; I just think there is a fundamental difference between a mother and her child and a father and his child, and some things that come naturally to her don't come naturally to me. Am I the asshole for my view?"

The top comment came from AppropriateRadish9, another dad who agreed that motherhood and fatherhood are different, but laid out all the reasons the OP (original poster) was privileged and entitled in his thinking.

"YTA to such a degree that you drove me to comment on this sub after lurking for a long time.

I am a father and a husband, and I will say that I agree that fatherhood and motherhood are different, but not in the ways you claim. I try my hardest to raise my kids and be a good partner to my wife. We both work, we split the housework relatively evenly, we try to have equal time with our kids. At the end of the day though, I can never understand what my wife is going through."

"She had the added burden of creating our children and being constantly judged for every choice she made by everyone from friends to random strangers sitting next to us at restaurants. Now, things still can't be equal, no matter how hard we try to make them, because the bar is always lower for me. If I pack a sandwich for my kid, I'm dad of the year for doing the bare minimum. If my wife packs a sandwich, the teacher asks why she left out carrots and a juice box to make it a balanced meal. I get praised for putting my kid's hair up. My wife gets criticized for not properly laying our toddler's edges."

"Fatherhood and motherhood are not equal because there is a higher bar for moms that leads to constant pressure and stress that you and I can never really understand. However, we can work just as hard as our wives to be the best parents we can to our children, and yes, that includes anticipating their needs, doing mental labor, AND supporting our partners through motherhood while they face a million criticisms that we will never have to hear."

"Do better, and be better to your girlfriend, if only because your daughter will eventually understand that you treat her mother like crap and won't want you around when she's older."

motnock also agreed that the OP was an asshole, and pointed out that yes, there are biological factors that play into hetero parenting, but that's not an excuse to leave your partner to do all the work.

"Yep. There are biological differences between mommies and daddies. Parental responsibility should be divided equally as a team. Sure, play to strength and weaknesses. But that’s based on individuals, but not set roles for mothers and fathers. YTA big time. You don’t get a pass at anything because you don’t produce milk. I cook more than my wife. I get the kids ready for bed and read them to sleep, rock them, cuddle, until they’re down so my wife can curl up with a glass of scotch or wine and unwind."

"We both work full time but her job is more stressful and I think she needs the down time. If she stayed at home with the kids I know she’d need that down time. Try taking care of the kid on your own over the weekend and let her go stay with family or friends. After the reality kicks your ass you might be more willing to try to shoulder the load and help in any little way possible."

yungsemite didn't mince words by straight up calling the OP sexist, but also laid out a clear step he should take if he wants to be a better parent.

"YTA, and you’re sexist! Crazy how that happens. You’re just making excuses to not do work rearing your child. Sit down with her and figure out who is doing what and when and what responsibilities each other has. Its okay if it’s lopsided, but you have to agree on it."

Chemantha came in with some real talk by pointing out that gender is a construct, and single parents and same sex parents manage to be good parents without adhering to antiquated ideas of gender and biology.

"As a scientific perspective I would like to add to your comment and say that OP's "biological" view point on the fundamental differences between a man and a woman is bullshit. If motherhood and fatherhood were so biologically fundamentally different Male gay parents would have a REALLY tough time, wouldn't they??? Though statically, their children are raised with just as great values as those children from heterosexual parents."

"Also, OP you're not talking about Biological differences, it would more be anthropological. It's culture and society that decided thr differences you're talking about and it's the reason women have to fight so hard all the time to be seen as equals. Show your daughter different! Show her how a man can do "woman's" work and be the best loving and supportive father you can possibly be!"

At the end of the day, a majority of the people commenting agreed with the OP's girlfriend, and believe he needs to step it up as an involved father. Hopefully, this functions as a wake up call for him.


Just 25 Sansa Stark memes for everyone ready to see her sit on the Iron Throne.

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To many, season eight of Game of Thrones has been a hot mess with sudden heel turns (Mad Queen Daenerys) and wild inconsistencies (Tormund, YOU rode a dragon, my dude!).

In a wild season that had fans complaining that there were too few deaths at the beginning and two many deaths at the end, the showrunners were unwavering about one thing, and one thing only: the fact that Sansa Stark is always right.

As supposedly wise men like Tyrion, Ser Davos, and Jon Snow fell under Daenerys's fraudelent spell—Westeros's genocidal Elizabeth Holmes—the Lady of Winterfell was suspicous, and was proven right in the most devastating way possible.

Sansa went through Seven Hells and grew up to be the smartest, shrewdest player in the game, outliving all her enemies.

Don't take it from me, take it from the memes—a meme is worth 1,000 words.

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15 tweets that prove Cersei's death in 'Game of Thrones' was actually good. There is no middle ground.

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It me, the person about to hand deliver you a butt-ton of Game of Thrones spoilers. If you clicked on this link, you are already aware of the spoiler I have in store for you, but it is required by Westeros law that I give you a fair warning nonetheless.

Now that that is out of the way, let's talk about Cersei Lannister's death. During last week's episode, we all waited with baited breath to see how queen of The Seven Kingdoms/sipping wine would fall. Many theorized that Arya Stark would be the one to kill her, fulfilling her prophecy of shutting brown eyes (Walder Frey), blue eyes (The Night King) and green eyes (Cersei) in the process. Others thought that either Jamie or Tyrion would be the one to slay the queen, fulfilling the witch's prophecy that she would be killed by her younger brother. And some hoped that Dany would take down Cersei in an epic showdown between two powerful queens. All of those people ended up disappointed, as Cersie was ultimately killed by *checks notes* a pile of rocks.

To say that people felt betrayed by this plot point would be a massive understatement. People accused the show's writers of being lazy, stupid, and outright wrong. They felt a significant character such a Cersei deserved a more epic death. However, there are some underdogs who disagree with this sentiment. A few thought Cersei's death felt just right, and some even saw it as poetic. The villainous queen who craved power was stripped of it and humiliated in her dying moments, which is arguably the worst death such a character could imagine. Still not convinced? Check out these tweets from people who stand by the choice to kill of Cersei with some rubble.

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A final closing thought:

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27 Memes That Will Only Be Funny If You're From The Midwest.

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Ope, sorry to bug ya. Just sneaking by with a crop of hilarious Midwestern memes sure to please all the ranch dressing super fans out there. I grew up in Southern Illinois and I fully endorse these memes as totally nailing what it's like to be a dang Midwesterner.

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30 people open up about the times they were almost murdered. Read at your own risk.

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Most of us can pinpoint at least a few times in our life where we could have easily died. Maybe we were a dumb teenager who pulled a stunt that temporarily injured us, but could have easily turned out much worse.

Perhaps we are constantly distracted and have nearly been hit by cars multiple times while walking, or driving, in congested traffic. There are countless everyday activities that could lead to fatalities, and for the most part we take it for granted, because adding up all the times you could have died isn't the healthiest concept to ruminate on. That being said, far fewer of us have memories of escaping death by an attempted murderer, a feat that is both traumatizing and remarkable.

In a recent Reddit thread, people who survived murder attempts opened up and shared their stories, and it would be a crass understatement to say this is yet another reminder to count our blessings.

1. VyrPlan almost died because he didn't let someone into a club.

"Was a bouncer at a club in LA for a minute in the 90's. Stopped some dudes clearly affiliated (in a gang) at the door after they refused security checks. After a few minutes of their threats & Manson lamps they left spewing all sort of warnings."

"A little later it starts to wind down and because it's a little slow & we're overstaffed so I start to drink. I get a bit drunk (not wasted, but sleepy-buzzed) so I tell my buddy I'm going to go lay down in the back of his car for a while."

"A few minutes after lying down I realize I have to piss. I get out and stumble a few into a spot between a guard gate (for a parking lot) and a building for a little privacy (there's a few dozen people milling around in front of the club). I'm about 25 feet away from the club's entrance and just off an alleyway."

"While I'm relieving myself, a dude runs right past in front of me, around the guard booth to my rear, and unloads a 9mm (recovered rounds from back seat/trunk/roof/bumper) into the back seat of the car I'd just crawled out of."

"bam bam bam bam..." Unloading into the car. He then turns, runs right back past me, and down the alley into the night. Don't think he saw me at all. Nothing really came of it. Except my partner was convinced I was a "marked man" and refused to be near me for a year or so."

"Edit: holy crap, I kind of expected this to get buried. This was Los Angeles. I was about 25 (almost 50 now) so some specifics are long gone - but I remember this: my buddy was genuinely terrified by this, I don't think he knew anything about it (in fact he seemed to interpret the event as a larger conspiracy to have me snuffed - not some random pissed off dude making a point/getting jumped in) and because he ditched the car/wouldn't take my calls it got left at that."

"For those concerned with the car - it was, like, a 1980's rusted out sedan...maybe a $500 car. Details about the slugs/number of rounds fired were relayed to me later by third parties (my friend and I were known in the neighborhood, people were talking about it). Thank you for the well wishes. Honestly though, this wasn't even the first time I was shot at (it's been a long strange trip)."

"Edit 2: Also, I tried to argue later that it's just as likely the guy was shooting at someone else across the street and that the car just got in the way. But there were holes all through that thing. Back seat had 4/5, another 2/3 went into the back window and ended up in the backs of the front seats, another 2/3 rounds went right into the trunk. I honestly don't know if he was a terrible shot, or if he hit right what he was aiming for."

2. anonymousdefensejd almost got shot by an angry client.

"Throwaway because it got some media. I'm a criminal defense attorney. I was representing this guy that had embezzled almost $500k from his business partner. He was looking down the barrel at several years in prison, a bunch of his assets had been seized by the government, was being sued by multiple creditors for north of $2 million, and was in the midst of an ugly divorce and wasn't allowed to see his kids. I was one of 3 lawyers he had - criminal, civil and divorce. He was drinking a lot and using coke -- I used to get this incoherent phone calls in the middle of the night that ranged from threats to crying."

"He came to my office one day and asked for me but I was in court. My secretary said he was perfectly civil. He then went to his divorce lawyer's office and shot him to death. Got stopped by the police a short distance away and was wounded in a shootout. He would later tell the cops that he had come to my office to shoot me that day and also planned to shoot his civil attorney."

3. iSquash was abducted by a very crazed man, and walked out alive.

"I was abducted at a gas station during undergrad. The locks on my car were broken, and as soon as I got back in, a strange man came in and forced me to drive him to an ATM. I am paralyzed with fear so any sense or reason I had went out the window. He claimed he worked at Wendy's and for my generosity he would give me all the Wendy's I ever wanted. On the way to the ATM he showed me pictures of his daughters (on his clearly stolen cell phone)."

"Then a Whitney Houston song came on the radio and he starts BAWLING his eyes out and screaming "Why do all the good people have to die, only bad things should happen to bad people." I go to the ATM, take out cash, give it to him thinking it's over. He then makes me get back in the car and drive him somewhere else. We pass by some train tracks and I'm thinking this is it, this is where I will be murdered."

"He asks me what I'm studying in school, and I tell him Biochemistry. "I believe in jet propulsion and all that shit. WE ARE NOT ALONE ALIENS ARE AMONG US." He then makes me pull over at a gas station and he tells me "drive away sweetheart". I call the cops, had to do a line-up, apparently this dude had done this to a ton of other women, and some were less unscathed than I was...."

4. _DoobieTime is alive because of their gut instincts.

"Mines not extreme by any chance but a couple of years ago my brother and I went to walk the dog at like 11pm. We left through the side gate (live on a corner) and right as we exit I see this weird looking dude at the corner of the footpath walking weirdly towards us. Got bad vibes and told my brother to get the dog and get back inside. This dude is walking kind of side on and hiding something in his hand behind his back, as I'm getting my brother through the gate the dude says something like "oi mate can I come in, I need a blanket I'm freezing"

"I just ignored him and went inside and locked the door. We then get a call from the people who live two doors up, the same dude knocked on their door and their 10yo son opened it to see the dude holding a fucking hatchet. Anyway I'm glad I went with my gut on that one."

5. RedRoverLaws survived a mom addled by the violence of addiction.

"Well. My mom got mad at me when I was 20 and I didn’t give her money for her birthday, which I’m assuming was to pay off drug dealers of hers, so she stabbed me between the ribs. Ended up getting stuck in the bone and had to get it taken out in surgery."

6. stayathmdad had a best friend do a homicidal 180.

"My supposed best friend decided that my wife and I were too perfect. Therefore it must all be an act and I was obviously abusing her. He was at our house after I made an awesome dinner and we were having fun drinking and singing karaoke."

"I went to the kitchen to put some glasses away, came back and leaned on the couch with him slightly behind me to the left of me. Then I heard a thunk and felt an amazing amount of pain on the top of my head. He had picked up the whiskey bottle on the table and smashed it into my skull."

"I was very confused as to wtf was happening. Then the blood started pouring. I didn't want to get blood everywhere so I went to the kitchen. Dude is pacing back and forth saying weird shit. I thought about my gun (which was close by) but I wasn't thinking quite straight. He left."

"I had a huge concussion and still suffer side effects from it. My number 2 goal in life is to live longer then that asshat just so I can shit on his grave."

7. kae_shann's friend barely survived a party.

"I have a friend who had a party at his parents house when he was in high school that a ton of random people went to. He got super drunk during the party and went upstairs to go to sleep, knowing that his friends would watch the party for him. My friend woke up from his nap to a guy from his school sitting on top of him stabbing him death."

"He was stabbed seven times before it stopped and he laid there on the bed dying. The only reason he is still alive is because his best friend came upstairs to ask him if it was alright if he made a frozen pizza and found him. The assailant was put in jail and recently was released and it scares me to know that a guy who “wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone” (said during the trial), is still out there free."

8. greenlightracer almost got murdered because of a doppelganger.

"I was exiting a bar once after last call and was with a friend who was a medic. We saw a girl laying in a snow bank near a telephone pole who had just been hit by a car. We ran over and tried to help her, some others were already on the phone with 911 and I, not having any medical training didn't have anything to contribute but didn't want to just leave, the whole situation was concerning."

"I turn around for a second and start to hear people screaming... I turn around a a minivan was heading for us, the few people around this woman. They already started to run, but I was too late..."

"He hit me as I was trying to flee... put the car in reverse, ran over me again, and then went forward and run over me a third time."

"Turns out the guy was high and drunk and got into a fight with the women's bf, whom I bared a strong resemblance too. He thought I was him. Not to throw a pity party for myself but 9 years later I have a ton of medical issues, and my life pretty much started on a downward spiral since then... but sure, I guess I "survived".

"Edit: For everyone wondering about the guy, An off duty cop watched the whole thing go down, and copied his license plate number. He was apprehended 20 minutes later & charged with attempted murder, along with many other things.

He plea'd out to just 3 years in jail. He had actually killed someone else a few years before drunk driving. How they thought that was appropriate is beyond me."

9. To_a_Green_Thought was saved by a fork in the path.

"I was doing volunteer work in Central America, working in a really bad area of the capitol city--it was a slum built on top of the city's garbage dump. The whole place reeked of trash, and there were large metal cylinders coming up out of the ground throughout the area to vent the gas from decomposing garbage underground."

"As a fellow volunteer and I walked down a dirt path, two men approached us. I'd never seen them before. They were acting strangely, but I just thought they were drunk or high--a lot of people in the area drank rubbing alcohol to get drunk, since it was cheaper than beer or liquor. Over time, drinking the rubbing alcohol would really mess with their brains."

"As the men got closer, they began acting really friendly--too friendly. One of them came close to me, trying to put his arm around my shoulders. At first, it seemed like the behavior of a guy who gets happy and friendly when he's drunk. However, an alarm went off in my head, and I gently--but firmly--pushed him away. I tried to make it seem lighthearted and playful, like, "Hey, man! How's it going?" (Affectionate shove.) I didn't want to make a scene, since I was a gringo; I didn't want to seem like an ugly American."

"This went on over and over down the whole path--he'd get close, I'd shove him off, he'd come close again. Finally, my friend and I came to a fork in the path, and we went one way while they went another."

"After we got to the house of some people we knew, we told them about the two guys. (I was so focused on protecting myself, I didn't even notice much of what was happening with the other guy.) They said, "Oh, everyone around here knows him. That's his routine--he comes up to people, pretends to be friendly, puts him arm around them, then pulls out his knife and stabs them in the stomach."

I was that close to getting stabbed to death."

10. TrashTashy's fight or flight saved her.

"I (18F back then, now 25) was on my way home at night after meeting a friend. My home was just 10 minutes away from the train station. After a few minutes I felt someone following me. No big deal I thought, just someone else walking home. But I started walking faster. I realized the person behind me was catching up...weird. In my head I started to make up scenarios of how to defend myself if the person would attack me. Never would I think of this to actually happen."

"Well, until I felt something on the back of my head, hitting me hard. I went furious. I turned around and attacked the guy. My mind was just full of anger towards this stranger who, what I thought, hit me."

"We were wrestling until I fell on the ground. He was sitting on top of me, strangling me. I tried to crawl my nails into his eyes as deep as I could, but I started to black out. Suddenly there was this tought in my head "wake up, or you will die"...well, adrenaline kicked in again and I opened my eyes and screamed of the top of my lungs, attacking him again."

"That helped. He stood up and began to run. I layed there for a few seconds, then I started to run home, still screaming. My mom was already at our door and opened for me because my screams woke her up (or her mother senses, who knows?) She immediately called the cops and they could arrest him on the same night."

"It turned out that he actually shot me in my head from behind. They assume that the gun didn't work properly, the bullet didnt penetrate my skull and stuck in there, but as far as I know they never found out why the gun misfired. I'm glad though. He told the cops that he already followed me a few times in the past, but never had the guts to "do it". He wanted to kill me and rape my dead body. I know that's a wild story, I have some swiss news paper articles as a source if someone cares though."

11. harpejjist got attacked when she was mistaken for an ex wife.

"I was riding in a train across Eastern Europe. I was running low on money and even though I had been warned that a woman should not travel alone in second class seating I did not spring for first class. I was sitting alone in one of the compartments that seats six. This was also a mistake and a very stupid one to sit alone. Eventually the train stopped and a man got on - he was very drunk. He came into my compartment and I guess thought I looked like his ex-wife. He attacked me. If it were not for the fact that this particular station was the border between two countries I would be dead."

"Instead border patrol from both countries were on the train and while I was unable to scream, the door was open and at least a half a dozen uniformed men jumped him and saved me. I was in the hospital for a little while but recovered. At one point during the trial, one of the cops asked me if I wanted him and his buddies to hold the guy down while I hit him. I thought he was joking. So I said no, go ahead you do it. I was also joking. But it turns out they took it seriously and were about to! I did put a stop to that at least. But they were so offended that someone from their country would attack a young female American tourist. They were furious with him. So many people there depended upon tourism."

12. muffinyipps13's screams saved them.

"I was 15 and outside in my garage petting my cat. It was November so it was already dark by 5pm. Someone opened the door behind me without me hearing, grabbed me by my Ponytail and starting dragging me outside. They hit me on my head with a brick and knocked me out. Pulled me halfway around my house when (I'm guessing this is when) they stabbed me on the left side of my stomach. This must have brought me out of my daze, because my mom said she heard me scream from inside where she and my brother And sister were in the kitchen. They came out the front door and saw me bleeding out on the side walk, called 911. had 12 stitches (double layer) and a severe Concussion, and whiplash. didn't eat and hardly slept for a week. They never found them."

13. throwawayseventy8 barely escaped a massacre.

"If you're from the area I'm from this will probably sound familiar. But I got absolutely black out drunk at an end of the year/graduation party and ended up having to get taken home early. Later that night another student at the party ended up stabbing and killing 5 people. Turns out he had mental issues (schizophrenia) and thought everyone at the party was a werewolf/vampire who threatened his life. He never went to jail but ended up being founded non criminally responsible instead..."

14. Apatheticforcredit escaped homicidal neighbors.

"So, I did not know it was a murder attempt at the time, but looking back now - it was a definite possibility. In middle and high school my next door neighbors were a boy one year younger than me (John) and his younger brother who was four years younger than him (Nathan.) My own younger brother and I had a similar age gap, and we found ourselves around each other all the time. Now I am a female and the rest of the group was all males, so there were just naturally times when the three of them would hang and I wouldn't be around."

"One day my little brother who was around 9 at the time comes home with a porno mag and is telling me about the porn videos they were watching as a little unit. Now guys, I have no idea if this is something that is done in your pre/adolescent circles, but it freaked me the hell out and I told my mom. My mom then went and told their single dad. What I didn't know was their dad was an abusive piece of shit who beat both of those boys so badly that they couldn't go to school for weeks. No, we didn't call the police - we just filed it away and knew from that point forward to never tattle. I still carry the guilt of telling on John and Nathan with me to this day, because it set off a chain of events I would have never anticipated."

"As we got older, the brothers started acting out more and more; bullying other kids, vandalism, weird shit like toying with road kill. As the level headed female in the group I opposed all of these things, and a faction emerged with me and the other neighborhood kids on one side, and John and Nathan on the other just fucking shit up and causing trouble. One day I had done SOMETHING to piss off John, and he came at me with a large chef's knife. I didn't have shoes on, so I took off running through the backyard and crossed into the neighbor's."

"John was hot on my tail, trailing me by maybe 4 feet when I fell down. There was some sort of exposed PVC drainage pipe that had been shattered at the top that I didn't see it and ran over, my foot was sliced open immediately and I went down screaming. I think it shocked him; my screaming, the sudden change of pace, and the blood. He stopped, laughed at me, then ran home- presumably so he didn't get his ass whipped."

"After I took care of myself, I told my mom what happened with the knife. She had started dating someone new, and I think this was the sort of feather that broke the camels back. We moved to another part of town in the same district about a ten-minute drive from our old house. Around that exact time we moved in, a new family moved into the house on the other side of John and Nate."

"Things continued down a bad path for those boys. Over the next year they got in trouble with school, and would randomly show up at our new house locked out of their own. The year I went off to college I received a panicked phone call from my mom telling me to look up the local newspaper, John had murdered the girl who had moved into the other house next door to him. It was really grisley too, he chopped her up and stuffed her into a trunk that sat outside in his dad's car all day while a family picnic was happening."

"He and his little brother got caught trying to throw the trunk into the river from a bridge at night by a cop who happened to be driving by. I just thought to myself that could have been me! Both brothers have been locked up for what has to be about ten years at this point, they were both tried and convicted as adults. Everyone in our town just wants to see them burn in hell, but honestly the only thing I can think about is how it might have been different if our family reported the abuse from the onset - maybe their little minds wouldn't have warped from a tender age."

15. braxtonianman barely survived a robbery.

"When I was two weeks into my first job as a 16 year old (at a smoothie establishment that should be known to NBA fans), we were robbed. It was late, and my coworker's friends had been playing pranks on her all day, so when I saw someone burst through the door, i thought it was just that. Until, that is, i had something metal pressed against my back and an arm wrapped around my chest. The robber gave the whole stereotypical "give me all the money" spiel, and ordered us to go into the back room, kneel down, and face the wall. As I was kneeling and hearing him walking towards us, time seemed to slow down. Thankfully, I had been refilling juices whenever he came in, and so the door to the back room was partially blocked by a heavy cart."

"With whatever substance he was on, he wasn't coordinated enough to get past it to us, so he fled. He was followed by my coworker's husband and caught. When he was caught, they found an industrial sized pipe wrench wrapped tightly in his fist, so that he could get a stronger grip when swinging. I'm so glad that cart was there. Once a year or so, I would look him up in the parish prison roster to see if he was still in jail. One year, he suddenly wasn't. I later found him named in a lawsuit as having stabbed his cellmate a half dozen times while the guy was asleep. Definitely doesn't seem like the nicest of people. Nine years later, I'm still unpacking this incident in therapy - it's why I dont like walking around cities at night or sitting where I can't see the door."

16. -Benjamin_Dover-'s mom saved their life.

"I don't know if this counts because I didn't find out until ten years later.

When I was 7-8 years old, when my parents broke up. My dad apparently tried to kill me and my mother, along with everyone in the household at time. Including the cats. He failed to get in house. The 2 times he tried."

17. TitoBeans123 survived a frightening jump.

"I got jumped by two grown men when I was a freshmen in college. I was walking back from my friends house and it was about 30 past midnight. One posed as a homeless man asking for a dollar and the other had on a security jacket like he worked for the university’s safety patrol. When I passed the homeless guy saying I had nothing to give him, I saw the “security” guy walking towards me. This is when I felt a rear neck choke hold and the “security” guy started whaling on me. I had my bag on me, but like I said, I literally had nothing on me. They couldn’t take me down to the ground (surprisingly..I must’ve had an adrenaline rush)."

"The guy posing as a homeless guy said “open the back pack, find anything let’s dip”. This lasted about 2-3 minutes, but it felt like forever. The whole time I could feel something pointy in my back, but I just like to think that the guy was extremely excited, and it wasn’t a knife. Luckily, it was right outside my friend’s house and a couple of them came running out when they heard the commotion. The guys fled immediately when 3 of my friends came sprinting towards them. I still look behind me when I walk home alone."

18. thelemonx wife's ex put a hit out on him.

"This all happened many years ago."

"I was a lead man at a factory. A girl starts working there, and I take an interest. After a few months, I find out she is in a terrible drug-fueled abusive relationship. Every night, I tell her to call me, I'll come get her. Finally after months, she calls me, I come get her and take her to my house."

"The guy she was in the relationship with didn't take too kindly to me taking her away. He spends the next 2 years harassing and threatening us."

"A few months after she and I got married we went out for a few drinks. Her ex just happened to be at the bar we went to. He apologized to us for the threats and harassment. We were sitting outside talking with a few other people."

"Next thing I know, I'm on my back on the ground with someone choking me. I try all I can to get them off of me, but being blindsided and them being on top of me, it wasn't easy. As I struggle to get free, everything goes black, then I see "the light at the end of the tunnel". In that moment I was certain that this was the end of me. I somehow manage to get a better hold of this person's head, and I yank them off of me. We run to the car and get away."

"A week or so later, my wife had been talking to everyone she thinks might know what happened. Turns out, her ex had paid 2 people $50 to kill me that night."

19. anangryafrican barely drove away from a shooting.

"Chilling with the bros drinking at a park. As we drive off to leave, a car coming our way almost hits us. Driver obviously reacts like “wtf” and I guess the other car noticed."

"They turned around and caught up to us at a stop sign. Other driver asked if we had a problem, we told them stop driving like assholes. Then their back window rolls down and two guys in the back draw Glocks with drum magazines."

"We just kind of froze up at first but then our driver pulled off hastily. Later found out those guys got arrested for shooting someone else that same day."

20. conanfegan's dad was almost murdered by friends.

"Posting for my dad, I'll call him John. He grew up during the troubles in Northern Ireland and at the time there were numerous tit for tat shootings between republicans and loyalists. My da was walking home when a car pulled up quickly and men with masks bats and guns jumped out. He started running but they caught up with him. Just as they got to him they stopped and one pulled off his balaclava and said "oh shit John didn't realise it was you, thought you were someone else were so so sorry". He said he genuinely thought he was about to die there and then and if he had of been someone else he would have been."

21. TyroniusTheGreat and his family escaped an unstable ex.

"Well idk if this counts as an attempt or not but My wife, my kids and myself went to church one time and we ran into one of my wife's old "flings", this guy followed my wife around and our daughter and kept trying to talk to them. So I confronted him about it and told him to back off."

"As we were leaving he makes sure to yell across the parking lot telling my daughter good bye. My wife forces me in to the car and we leave. So I message the guy on Facebook to ask him what his problem is and he tells me that my wife and daughter are his friends and I have no right to tell them who to be friends with. I told him again to back off our I would call the police."

"Fast forward a week (I worked every other Sunday) I get a call from the pastor saying that they had to call the police on the guy because he was causing drama looking for me. When they arrested him he had a back pack with him that had a sawed off shotgun, a meth pipe and some meth in it."

22. NeedsMoreTuba was saved by a weed dealer with a heart of gold.

"In my late teens, I used to buy my weed from random dudes in the projects (low income housing.)

One day we gave some money to a guy named 40. He took it and went inside one of the buildings. We waited in the car for several minutes. We started to think he had taken our money and left. Right about that time, a car full of coked-up white dudes pulled up beside ours. Apparently my friend owed them money. They pointed a gun at him and said that if he had enough money to buy weed, then he could pay them back."

"I really thought they were going to shoot us and just drive off like it was nothing, and I hadn't even done anything wrong. I thought I was gonna pee my pants.

Right about that time, 40 came back out with our weed and an even bigger gun. He scared them away and then we went back to his apartment and smoked a blunt. What a good man. Turns out he was only selling weed because he had a 6-year-old daughter and that was the only way he knew to give her a better life than he had."

"I babysat his daughter occasionally for the rest of that summer. I really hope she got a decent childhood and that her dad stayed safe and out of jail.

TLDR; Almost got shot but was saved by random drug dealer who turned out to be a decent fellow."

23. MissourisOwn had an incredible mom and grandma who kept them alive, despite their father's meth addled murder attempts.

"My dad was a meth addict. He did lots of fucked up things - dropping me off at trap houses to have "sleepovers" with other "coke babies", living in a house full of animal shit and hoarding. He sicked his pitbull on a black child. He was a real fucking character."

"One night he came looking for my mom and I at our place. Mom wasn't there. Grandma was babysitting me. I was sleeping in bed when somebody started to try and open my window. It was locked, but they kept jamming something into the bottom to try and force it open. At the same time, I heard the living room door being tried by somebody else. My grandma snuck into my room in her nightgown, apparently woken up by the same thing, and told me say NOTHING. Don't even whisper. We laid under my bed while a group of men shouted for my mom to come out, slammed their hands on the windows to try and break them, and jumped on my grandma's car."

"She called the police and barely whispered into the phone. Eventually the cops arrived and the men scattered. Long story short, my dad and his other methhead friends came to the house with guns and knives with every intention to kill me and my mother because she was going to get custody of me. If my mom wasn't so vigilant with locks (we had three different kinds on the front and back doors), we would have died."

24. Raiseyourspoonforwar almost got killed by an acquiantance, until they remembered who it was.

"I was around 20-21 years old and walking home at about 3 am after a night out and I was absolutely plastered from drinking so much, I was about 200 meters from my house when a hooded figure jumped out from behind a bush and immediately had a knife pushing into my stomach as he grabbed my neck and tried pulling me in, fortunately I was stronger and pulled away, he went to lunge at me with the knife when suddenly he stopped, stared for what felt like an eternity but was probably a second or 2 and then said "Holy shit raiseyourspoonforwar, I haven't seen you in so long, my bad mate" and then walked off like nothing had happened. I still don't know who he was to this day."

25. 4KUHD9's quick thinking saved their life.

"Walking home from my pregnant gf's house at the time.. Honestly it wasn't a bad neighborhood. Well I'm walking basically just minding my own business, passed these guys maybe 3 or four of them , they were heading the other direction on the other side of the street.. Something told me to look back and right as I did that, one of them had a gun pointed to the back of my head.. I turned around fully and was just like yo! They were like give us your money etc I had a wad of dollars and not sure if it was quick thinking but I stuck my thumb in between the cash pulled it out and threw it on the road and it scattered."

"As they went to pick it up I bolted.. These assholes chased me.. I just run to some dudes house who luckily for me he was cool let me in closed the door and called the cops.. A few weeks later those same dudes were arrested for robbery and killing the person they robbed.. These guys were from a neighboring neighborhood.. So ya.."

26. papicoiunudoi watched a friend survive a psychopath.

"I was out with a few friends, and with us was a girl that had just broken up with a psychopath (we didn't know he was a psychopath, we found out that night). We were just walking back home from a restaurant, it was about 1 AM, and the guy came running out of nowhere, I don't know how he knew where and when to meet us. He ran to the girl, lifted her shirt up and stabbed her in the gut, literally splitting her belly open like a fish, and then ran off. This whole thing happened really quickly, so we were all in shock."

"The girl was holding her own intestines in her hands and she was so shocked that she didn't even seem scared, wasn't screaming or anything. She just stood there. We called an ambulance and they managed to somehow put everything back and sew her up. This happened about 3 years ago and she still has pretty serious problems with her digestive tract, can't eat certain things and that kind of stuff. That image of her just standing in the middle of the pathway holding her own guts will remain stuck in my head forever. The guy got 13 years in jail btw."

"Edit: Now that I think about it, a big part of why they broke up was his constant abuse towards her weight. She wasn't even fat, just a bit on the chubby side, I wouldn't even call that overweight, but he would always tell her that she had a big gut. That was almost an obsession for him. So maybe the fact that he stabbed her in the abdomen is a symbolic action of some sort. I don't know what was in that fuckhead's brain and I honestly don't even want to know."

27. Sweetragnarok jumped and ran from their death.

"I jumped out of a moving vehicle. This was in college in a different country. There were commuter buses that takes us to and from the campus and dorms. I had to stay 30 mins later for a project so around 7:30 PM by then the commuter rush was gone. I was the only passenger and I was sitting at front next to the driver."

"He was acting already shady, it was dark and rainy. He made a sudden dark turn of a grassy unlit hill. He said somethings wrong with the tires. I said Im getting off, he wont let me."

"The hill leads to a cliffside where rapes and murders have happned before. I had the pointy stick of my umbrella facing him ready to jab if he tried anything, which he tried to reach/grab for me. I jumped and ran straight to the highway were another commuter bus stopped surprised seeing a girl coming out of the tall grasses.

I saw the driver of my previous ride, speeding away. Nothing was wrong with his tires."

28. Lord_of_Lost_Coast biked themself to safety, despite the gaslighting of adults.

"When I was a kid I was riding my bike home from a friends house at sunset. I rode past the community pool which had been closed for a couple months. There was a car in the lot with a guy in it. I didn’t think much of it as I continued the trek home. I cut through the local elementary parking lot which has gates. I get like 20 yards past the gate and I see that car pull up at the bottom. Thinking that’s odd. Anyhow he backs out away from the gate. My spidey senses were kinda tingling at this point. I get up to the school and head towards teacher parking lot which is my standard direction. As I’m about to turn the corner I see headlights from the parking lot."

"I stop and peek around the corner and it’s that fucking guy again. I flip my bike around and start going the long way around the school. He sees me but just gets back in his car. And starts driving around the front of the school. I camp in these bushes, heart pounding. He is slowly driving up and down the front of the school keeping an eye on the teachers lot. Another car comes down the street and he has to move his dumb car out of their way. As soon as he does I just blasted up to the street and full tilt flew my bike into some random open garage."

"So I’m hiding in the garage waiting for him to come around again. But he doesn’t. I give it a few minutes then decide to pop my head out. Still no one. Ok I’m a few blocks from home just gotta go for it. Bust out the bike and start hauling ass home. Not half a fucking block later this dude turns the corner on me. I just veer my bike into some random lawn and run up to the front door. I look at him and he’s just in the street staring at me. I grip the front door handle praying to any and every god these people don’t lock their doors. I see his reverse lights flicker and I know he just put it in park."

"I just rip that door open, run inside and slam it. Two old people just sitting there. I look at them and I’m like some dude is trying to get me out there. They don’t completely believe me cause they barely react to what I said. But they don’t kick me out or anything either. I’m watching the dude from their window and he’s just chilling. Then the grandpa looking dude gets up from his Lazy Boy and opens the curtain to look for himself. When he does this the asshat in the car just leaves. Old guy is like well looks like he’s gonna leave. I’m like I’m not leaving for a bit."

"So I hang out for 10 min and no creepy abductor car to be seen. I assume he figured i called the cops. Finally I’m like I have to get home. This is before cell phones were common for average people. I hop on my bike and I swear it felt like I drove 35 mph the whole way home. Get home and tell my parents. I’m exhausted and in complete shock. They basically brush me off. I’m stunned that every adult I interacted with acted like I was crazy. I basically never talked about it again it was so traumatic to talk about at the time."

"That image of him in his car while I held the door handle to the random house is permanently seared into my brain. To this day it’s still as crystal clear as if it happened yesterday. Like 18-20 years later i decided to confront my parents as to why they didn’t do anything that day. They were like wtf you talking about. I explained it far better than I could’ve when I was a kid in complete shock. Anyhow, with the current, more expansive explanation my mother b-b-b-broke down. She started crying at this public restaurant cause she saw how serious I was when I was like how could you ignore what I said that day."

"As well as talked about how that morphed my stranger danger techniques for better or worse. Thankfully I was on the verge of puberty and ended up becoming a giant human being so my actual fears diminished quickly as I could defend myself. Until I moved away from that town however, I looked every day for that god damned car. Never saw it again. I would fantasize about what I’d like to do if I ever found that guy, hell, I still do.

TLDR dude tried abducting me at like 10-12 years old. Got lucky hiding in random garage and some old people’s house. Never got any level of justice."

29. underpantsbandit and their husband fought a terrifying Bonnie and Clyde duo.

"My husband and I live above our place of business. Out alarm company called us at 3AM to say there was a motion detect alert, just one, in a weird place. We assumed it was a mouse but went to reset/check it out.

Husband ended up face to face with a burglar who was on his way out the window he had broken. He ran back inside, I called 911 and we heard mad chaos going on in the depths of the building. So much crashing and smashing."

"Burglar monkey climbed a 10' iron gate, bodily smashed through two sets of commercial grade glass doors and was outside again. My husband was like yeah FUCK this dude, tore after him and tackled him. He got him on the ground and pinned him."

"Bear in mind the whole time I'm narrating to 911, and chasing around in panties and tank top. I was a bit behind my husband, in the middle of the street about 15' away when a minivan squealed around the corner."

"It was his GF/getaway driver. I luckily missed it- I was super focused on reading the license plate which was one of those cutesy font out of state ones and therefore hard to read but she yelled "Get the fuck off him or I'm running your bitch over."

"Then she tried to. The audio and video I had to watch for the trial was horrifying. I had blocked it out nearly completely, and really didn't remember how close it was. She guns the engine at me, I throw my hands up in front of my face when I realize what she's doing and scream, and jump out of the way with inches to spare."

"He jumped in and off they went. He bled all over my husband (YIKES) and eventually the DNA and the partial plate info nailed them. They're both in prison. Addendum, trials SUCK."

"ETA: to make this clear, do NOT do this. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug and it's best to not fight burglars! We definitely both could have died. It was the third time this fucker had broken in and caused $XX,XXX amount of mostly uninsured damage and inventory loss and that definitely contributed to the whole thing. He wouldn't have stopped doing it. He was a pro and was doing upwards of 3 jobs a night most nights, all over the state, for years."

30. BlueComms and their girlfriend escaped a violent Army obsessed man.

"I was 15-16, at a party. I went outside on a balcony for a smoke with someone I was talking to, and there was already a guy out there. We chatted as a group, and the friend went back inside. I started chatting with the guy who was already out there, who seemed a little funny. He started talking about how he was in the Army for a little bit but got kicked out, then pulled out a big knife and handed it to me. I looked at it and gave it back to him. At that point he pushed me against the edge of the balcony, put the knife to my neck, looked me in the eye, and said "do you know why I wanted to join the Army? I wanted to fucking kill people, man. People just like you". He then made a slicing sound with his mouth and took the knife away, then started laughing."

"I went inside, grabbed my gf, and we locked ourselves in a bedroom. He ended up smoking a lot of meth that night and was kneeing holes in the wall and beating on the door. I slept with my knife under my pillow. The next morning he seemed totally normal, except for the fact that he had turned his jeans into short shorts."

"Fucking scary looking back on it.

EDIT: Originally put age as 14, but realized later it was closer to 15/16. Also, I found out later that the guy got kicked out in basic training."

15 people share the hilariously not-sexy parts of sex. 'Ow ow ow! You're on my hair.'

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There's no denying that sex can get pretty awkward. While it is a fundamental part of being a human and the reason we're all here, the entire process is complicated. Even finding someone to have sex with is a chore now between Tinder, bumble, texting, sliding into the DM's and...going to bars and meeting people? Falling for a co-worker? Actually talking to people. It's all so hard!

Even though the awkward parts of sex are cringe-worthy in the moment, they're also pretty hilarious. When a recent Reddit user asked, "What are the 'not so fun parts' of sex that no one talks about?" the internet was ready to deliver their dirtiest, most embarrassing, crawl-into-a-hole naked moments.

1. Oh no, "InternetAccount00."

Mid-life. My wife recently had a hysterectomy and her sex drive is fucking skyrocketing while mine is...beginning to taper. And it fuckin' sucks. A lot. She's the only woman in the world. She's beautiful, she's sexy, she gets me going, but...some nights I just don't have it in me.

2. True, "juniejunejune."

when you’re always the person to initiate sex, it gets pretty exhausting sometimes

3. Confidence is key, "Glockamol3."

How to deal with a sexual partner with low self esteem. No matter how hard you try you cant make them feel sexy, then you call into question your own worth as a partner. Is it my fault? What am I doing wrong?

Leading to a eventual break up that leaves you with partial low self esteem, hard to bounce back from.

4. Sad, "ButerHyman09."

When he gets up to get you a towel, and you hear his car start and he pulls out of the driveway.

5. Sexy, "isamario."

Fishing out the pube from your mouth after going down on someone.

6. Yikes, "SonarsPTA."

The fart noises that your bodies make when you're doing it.

7. For real, "WillTwerkForFood."

Having to push pets away that wont get off the bed and just sit there staring at you

8. Ha, "StarfallXVI."

After doing it with a condom on, the fucking auto-zone smell.

9. Aw, "bunnyrobyn3."

Taking a little too long to finish and then feeling embarrassed and the more you think about it the harder it is.

10. Such shame, "ProtractedYouth."

The shame of getting tired out before you have cum.

11. Control the butt finger! " iforgothowtoeat."

Trying to gracefully avoid touching other bodily areas with the butt finger

12. Oh god, "itokolover."

Sex farts. I don’t say anything because she’s an absolute goddess and I’m lucky to be hooking up with her but shit man I spread those cheeks and feel it breeze past my fingers.

13. Real, "gekalx."

ow ow ow you're on my hair.

14. Ha, "ShitOnUrDick."

Lying there waiting for your other half to come with the tissues.

15. Dating is the worst, "Diegobat003."

Finding a person to have sex with is not so fun...

Man calls out ‘unclothed woman’ his child saw through a window. It gets even weirder.

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When you live in a big city, it's statistically likely that you'll catch a glimpse of someone else's life through their window at one point or another. Even if you're not actively trying to be voyeuristic, it's hard not to glance when you see a group of people laughing, or a scene from your favorite TV show through a stranger's window. For this reason, a lot of people use curtains to conceal the inner-workings of their home, particularly if they're changing or engaging in sexy time.

However, that isn't the case for everyone, some people feel completely fine with the potential of strangers seeing them, others may not be thinking of it, and some even like it. If you're in the confines of your own home, you can and should be able to do whatever you want with your body.

That being said, if you have huge windows near the street, people are going to see you. So, if you're walking around the house naked, they'll also likely see that.

This is where our story begins, with a Reddit post on the Am I The Asshole subreddit from a man who called out his neighbor for walking around naked in her house.

"I was walking my kid home from school. We are in a pretty nice area so the windows tend to be huge and on ground level."

In the post, he shared an anecdote from a walk home with his six-year-old daughter. On their way home, they passed the house of a family friend. The front of the house has a large window, and the family friend was minding her business, walking around the room naked. The man's daughter immediately spotted the woman and started giggling, as children do.

"My child is 6. Suddenly she laughed and pointed at one of the houses. Inside there was a completely naked woman leaning down to pick something up right in front of the window. We could see everything clear as day."

A few weeks later, the man confronted the woman at a coffee morning at school. He shared how he and his daughter had seen her naked, and asked if she wouldn't mind pulling a curtain in the future.

"I know the woman, she is one of my wives friends. I laughed along with my kid as she clearly wasn’t bothered but inside I was a little WTF.

I saw her at a coffee and cake morning at school a few weeks later and she and my wife and I happened to sit on the same table. I tried to be as tactful as possible towards the end and say hey, Sophia and I kinda saw you naked a couple weeks back, maybe since you’re near the school it’ll be less awkward to just draw a curtain?"

The family friend was offended by the confrontation and said he was being appropriate by bringing it up (particularly in a public setting), and much to his chagrin, his wife agreed with the family friend.

"She was very offended and told me I was being inappropriate and I was floored. I was even more floored when my wife agreed with her. I told my wife later that if it was a naked dude all hell would have already broken loose. She wants me to apologise to her friend.

AITA? Am I going nuts?"

The top comment from cdmedici laid out where this woman was likely coming from, and how nudity is often oversexualized in American culture.

"I’m Scandinavian, so... prepare for some super european opinions, i guess. This woman did NOTHING wrong. she’s allowed to be naked in her own home. blinds and curtains serve our desire for privacy in our homes, they’re not an obligation to be unseen. she’s fully allowed to be naked with the blinds open. if you have a problem with what people wear or don’t wear in their own homes, don’t look in their windows."

"Your daughter also did nothing wrong - curiosity is a cornerstone of childhood, and pointing and laughing is a pretty natural and innocent response from a 6-year old. she saw a naked woman. that’s totally natural. i guess america is different, but growing up, i saw naked women all the time! on the beach, in changing rooms, tanning on public lawns, and so on. it’s just... truly not a big deal. there’s nothing inherently sexual about being naked, and kids won’t see anything wrong with it unless you teach them it’s wrong."

"You didn’t do anything wrong in letting her know - but i think the important thing for me is what you were hoping to achieve. did you truly just want to give her a heads up? or were you actually trying to say “The Children shouldn’t have to see that, close your blinds so i don’t have to bother teaching my kids that looking in people’s windows isn’t super appropriate, and can mean you see unexpected things”?

"If you genuinely just wanted to let her know, so she could prevent it from happening again if SHE so desired, no assholes here."

"But i kind of get the vibe that you brought it up to get her to close her curtains, so the kids wouldn’t have to be exposed to something as natural as a naked woman. in her own home. which makes YTA."

"edit: i’m feeling a little left out tbh, this made it to the top and i’m like the only person OP didn’t pick a fight with, haha."

"To all the people ‘genuinely asking’ if it would be the same if a) it was a man swinging his dick around or vigorously masturbating or b) if this woman was having sex as though those situations are analogous - while you’re clearly being deliberately obtuse, there is obviously a difference between sexual acts in full view of the street, and simply existing while naked for a few moments in your living room.

also, shoutout to the guy who PM’ed me asking if there’s really naked women everywhere in scandinavia, and if so, where specifically."

Used2BPromQueen jumped on to say that, based on previous comments from the OP, his views on the naked body are a bit puritannical and skewed.

"OP mentioned in a previous comment that his daughter is not allowed to be naked in the home at all ever unless she's in the bath or alone in her room so he obviously has some serious prudish puritanical views."

BubbleDncr agreed that the woman did nothing wrong by being naked in her own home, but it's also good to let her know she was seen in case she prefers privacy.

"This, and I'm American.

We shouldn't be teaching our children that there's something wrong with naked bodies. It's good to let the woman know you could see her, in case she didn't know and didn't want people to see. But if she doesn't have a problem with it, she's NTA for being naked in her own home."

jokomul agreed that regardless of the OP's intent, calling the woman out in public in front of others wasn't the right course of action. It would be different, of course, if she was flashing people on the street.

"The content also makes it sound like he called her out in front of other people. At the very least, it was in front of his wife, with whom the woman is good friends. Implying that someone did something wrong in front of their friends isn't the most tactful way to approach someone about their actions or behavior."

NoxWild joined in the chorus of people saying the woman did nothing wrong by being naked in her own home.

"YTA. She was in her own home, naked. So what? She wasn't trying to get your kid's attention, she wasn't trying to get your attention, she wasn't being a creep. How likely do you think it is that she regularly and deliberately does this?

You should have just let it go."

GeniusToker noted that the OP should be teaching their kid that the human body is natural, when you look through people's windows - that's their life you're peeking into, and that it's okay to be naked in your own home.

"YTA. What kind of parent teaches their kid it's ok to be judgemental of what other people do in their own home. Of course she's offended it's the same argument people make when they say breastfeeding in public is ok. Why are you 1. Snooping and being nosy of what other people do in their own home and 2. Teach your kid that it's not ok to be naked in your own home."

This spirited discussion has brought up a lot of great points about how sexualizing nudity often leads to warped views of the human body, and how privacy is a spectrum in many cases.

25 Memes That Will Only Be Funny If You're A Bride-To-Be.

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Anyone who's planning a wedding will crack up at these hilarious wedding memes. The guest list, caterer, and your future in-laws can all be stressed about later. For now, it's time to stop staring at your ring and start laughing at these memes.

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Wrathful 'Game of Thrones' fans are roasting the writers with memes and a petition.

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Joffrey. Ramsay. The Night King. Tywin Lannister. Cersei Lannister.

Game of Thrones has had an impressive number of villains over the years, all of them rich which nuance, depth, and a particular brand of sadism.

As the show reaches its conclusion, Daenerys Targaryen burning King's Landing to the ground might make her seem like the show's ultimate Big Bad, but Thrones obsessives have targeted their wrath upon on a different enemy: showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, also known as "D&D."

"Love the show, hate the writers" has become the fandoms creed, as close to 50,000 people from all over the world have signed a Change.org petition to "remake season 8 with competent writers."

"This series deserves a final season that makes sense. Subvert my expectations and make it happen, HBO!" the petition begs.

The internet is so angry that they've been memeing like wildfire, roasting Benioff & Weiss like only they (or Drogon) can.

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This ignorant guy made 'make AOC bartend again' hats. The internet is serving him shaken and stirred.

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I don't know why nobody has learned yet that it's probably best not to mess with AOC. Considering she's a young woman with opinions, people are pretty upset. Attractive women talking about politics? That can't be allowed!

For some reason, her haters seem to be hyper-focused on the fact that she used to work as a bartender. Do we all hate bartenders now, when did that happen? Or, is it just that bartending is considered "unskilled labor?" You know what else is considered unskilled labor? Being a reality television star. Did they stop us from electing one as president? Nope! If bartending doesn't require skills, I'd like to see everyone in congress babysit grown men falling asleep drunk in their chairs, vomiting in bathrooms and cheating on their wives while smiling out of their butts to prevent a bad Yelp review and get a decent tip. Out of all the things you could focus on, her former life as a bartender isn't that interesting. It doesn't make her less qualified for her job now, all it means it that she's a human woman trying to pay rent in New York City.

So, when a man on Twitter (Cloyd) posted a hat he's trying to sell, Twitter let him have it.

Red hats have really been ruined since 2016.

Then, this happened:

Then it went back to the roasting:

Better luck next time, Cloyd!

Man asks if he's an a**hole for losing temper at 'nagging' wife. The internet is on his side.

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When you're in the middle of a marriage, and you're dealing with elements of grief on top of it, it can be very difficult to have perspective on your relationship dynamic. Being able to temper whether you're the unreasonable one in a fight, your spouse is crossing a line, or you both need to sit one out on a bench often requires an outside perspective.

Again, when you add a heaping dose of grief and loss to the marriage punch, it gives every fight and frustration an extra kick of emotional exhaustion. Grief manifests in everyone differently, but the common thread is that it makes everyday tasks more of a slog, and processing death saps up the emotional energy you would otherwise be using for work and life.

With these struggles in tow, the Reddit user fedupfedup1111 on the subreddit Am I The Asshole asked the internet to give him perspective on a recent fight with his wife.

"AITA lost my temper and told my wife to "just shut up already, you don't get a say in this" after her constant inconsiderate nagging"

In his post, the OP conceded that he was ready to accept whatever judgment the internet heaped on him, before going into the details of the recent fight.

Asking for blunt honesty here because I can't deal with this drama right now so just tell me if I've been an asshole and if so I'll go and apologize."

To start, he shared that he's currently in the process of planning his mother's funeral. While his parents are divorced, his late mother was on good terms with his father and was quite close with his new wife.

"I'm currently planning my mother's funeral on behalf of my siblings (they live overseas and are not here yet). My mother and father were divorced but were on good terms. In particular, my mother was close friends with my father's new wife."

Unfortunately for the OP, his father's new wife and his wife have bad blood that has been going on for years, due to unruly comments from both parties.

"This women - my father's current wife - has an ongoing dispute with my wife. They have a long long history of bad blood between each other. Both of them have said extremely hurtful things to one another. Obviously I think my wife is less of an asshole between the two, but both are definitely wrong for saying the things they have."

While the OP is obviously more on his wife's side in the ongoing feud, he still feels obligated to invite his father's wife to the funeral since she was close with his mother.

"Anyway even though I really dislike this women, I have to invite her to my mother's funeral service because: 1. She's my father's wife and 2. She was close friends with my mom. My wife was livid at finding out about this and insists I put my foot down and not let her attend the service."

However, rather than understanding that the funeral plans are about his late mother's wishes, the OP's wife decided to pick a fight about the inclusion of her nemesis.

"So for two long days she constantly nags me about this bringing it up every hour. I keep telling her the same thing about why she needs to come. I try to compromise by saying if my wife is so uncomfortable she doesn't need to attend, and I wont hold it against her. She refuses this as she wants to be there to support me."

After batting the situation back and forth for awhile, OP lost his temper and told his wife to shut up. He makes it clear that he recognizes he didn't communicate in a calm way, but also, who would when they're organizing their mother's funeral?!

So a few hours ago she brings the topic up yet again and I lose my tempter. I tell her (paraphrasing)

"Just shut up already. You don't get a day in this. You don't get to dictate my mother's funeral for Christs sake. Just leave me alone already."

He ended his query by stating that he's "just going to accept whatever judgement is given and go with that," and much to his surprise, the internet firmly sided with him.

"I did not say it calmly. I yelled it and was definitely angry because I'm busy organising my mother's funeral. She has gone off crying and I'm left wondering if I went too far. I can't deal with this nonsense and I'm just going to accept whatever judgement is given and go with that."

RednRich laid it straight: it's completely selfish of OP's wife to make the funeral about her feelings.

"NTA. Your wife's an asshole for making your mother's funeral about her. You're not an asshole because your mother just died and you can't be expected to keep your composure.

Anyone that says Y T A or E S H is insane."

TouchMyAwesomeButt echoed the fact that OP's wife is being completely selfish.

"Goddamn, she can't even put their differences aside for a funeral of someone they both cared for. How self-absorbed can you be?"

SpaceCadet2000 brilliantly coined the term "Gravezilla" to describe OP's wife.

"Your wife's an asshole for making your mother's funeral about her.

Yeah, she's being a gravezilla."

elmummie went so far as to suggest OP should reconsider the relationship as a whole, given her selfish behavior during his time of need.

"Yeah OP definitely NTA. Her being uncomfortable at your mother's funeral doesn't matter because this isn't about her. The fact that she's been badgering him for days about a funeral after his mother just died is just absolutely unreasonable and so completely self absorbed. I never ever say this but I think OP should rethink his relationship with this woman she's selfish and ridiculous."

MaryMaryConsigliere suggested he lay out the support he needs from her, in order to see if the can really give it.

"Agreed, say "I'm sorry for yelling. I love you, and I shouldn't speak to you that way. But my mother just died, and you are making this time so much harder for me by trying to pull me into this petty vendetta against my stepmom when I'm just trying to hold it together and plan a funeral. Can you promise me that you will step up and support me so I can focus on my grief and healing right now?"

Suffice it to say, the internet clearly agrees that OP isn't the asshole in this situation, and it sounds like his wife needs to step up and truly be there for him in this time of grief, her own personal beefs be damned.

Woman posts photo of embryo to 'shame' pro-choicers, gets her butt handed to her instead.

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Previously, on The Handmaid's Tale:

Georgia, Alabama, Ohio, and now the Missouri Senate have passed laws banning abortion, turning every conservative and guy named Garlan Gudger into an OB-GYN and fetal biology expert.

Among the recently deputized doctors is conservative commentator Liz Wheeler, who attempted to shame Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's criticism of the Georgia abortion ban with some alternative facts.

Rep. AOC pointed out that banning abortion after six weeks is tantamount to banning abortion altogether, because most women don't even know that they're pregnant at that point. A woman's period could come two weeks later for any number of reasons that aren't pregnancy.

Wheeler shared a picture of the clump of cells—without scaling it to indicate just how large it is—in an attempt to portray abortion procedures as murdering a human being. At this stage, however, the cells are less like a human and more like a teeny, tiny shrimp.

She insists that the picture shows "fingers and toes," but um, there are no fingers and toes.

Journalist Emily M brought some much-needed facts into the debate, explaining that the picture isn't of a fetus, but of an embryo, and the fertilized whatever-it-is has a long way to go before it could be considered a person.

At six weeks, this shrimp is the size of a pea.

It doesn't have a brain. It doesn't respond to stimuli. It can't breathe.

If you prefer your abortion arguments with a side of jokes as opposed to science, Twitter has you covered, too.

Embryos aren't cute. You know what's cute? Puppies. Puppies are cute.

"She sent me 2,000 ripe avocados": the ups and downs of having a bipolar mom.

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My parents put me through the wringer growing up.

They both struggle with extreme mental illness; arrests, drunken attacks, and sudden changes in custody were very common. (Which, btw, is a great first date opener during the “Where did you grow up?” question.)

When someone references their mom as “mother,” you know it’s not a good relationship. The most palatable diagnosis my mother has is bipolar disorder, meaning she goes through depressive and manic cycles. After sudden fits of rage or unexpected moves across the country, she’d apologize with arts and crafts time and dessert. We’d eat pudding in the middle of the night and make dioramas and sort of just agree that unexpected screaming was part of the deal. And you know what? Pudding is delicious.

Despite all the pudding, now that I’m an adult, my mother and I don’t speak. Her worsening mental health and dwindling grasp on reality make a relationship improbable. We try every now and then, but she gets angry with me easily. Sometimes it’s because she thinks I’m doing evil things, like siphoning money from her or conspiring to take her son away. Sometimes it’s because I’m chewing gum loudly, which I totally get.

But I think the bigger reason, and perhaps the more heartbreaking one, is that she can’t bear to look at me because I am a reminder of her mistakes, like a scar she has from a tragic accident. She can’t see her daughter without seeing all the events that molded me. So while she can’t look at me up close or hear my voice, she makes an annual attempt to compensate for my war-torn childhood through Amazon Prime. She goes on shopping sprees, and I end up with packages of kitchen utensils and lip gloss sets stacked to the ceiling.

It sounds like a nice gesture, but it’s not a showering of gifts as much as it is a spastic, last-ditch effort to make me a well adjusted adult. It’s as if she slept through the motherhood alarm and is just now scrambling to get dressed...

One time, I got bell peppers individually wrapped in netting inside of a box full of packing peanuts. I’ll never understand the packing peanuts. Unless my mom was like, “You know what Hannah was missing in her childhood that I, as a mother, failed to give her? Packing peanuts.”

She’d be wrong. I loved bubble wrap.

There was another package of just pickles. I imagine her, satisfied, closing her laptop, thinking, “That’s it! This package of pickles will make up for her father getting arrested in front of the entire 7th grade on the first day of school.”

I want to tell her to just wave the white flag; that I’m ok. I use “ok” loosely, of course. I’m a little melodramatic, have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, and yes, I’m addicted to drugs, food, sex, adrenaline, etc...but I’m alive and I leave my house wearing clothes most days and that’s really half the mental illness battle.

This one time, I even had a nine-to-five job. And when I say one time, I mean it. An office environment is not where creatives are meant to be (by creative, of course, I mean reckless and unbalanced). I was constantly late. Like, two hours late. Staying out late doing stand up and popping a few antipsychotics every night didn’t exactly allow me to be a morning person who could get to a job I loathed on time.

However, there was this one day that I was making it out the door on time. Just as I was stepping into the street to be a hero that arrives to work only five minutes late, a delivery person from Amazon Prime showed up with a delivery of bags. Twelve 10-gallon bags. All filled with ripe avocados. Do you hear me?! ALL FILLED WITH RIPE AVOCADOS. I panicked. First, I asked the delivery guy to please not make this delivery right now. And he, justifiably, was like, “What?”

See, from his perspective, I had ordered these avocados. He probably assumed I had volunteered to feed the U.S. Army or make face masks for every woman in the #MeToo movement.

Through my pleas, he trepidatiously put down some bags like someone lightly petting an alligator, seeing how far he could get before I’d bit his head off. I did nothing. Feeling emboldened, the delivery guy went back to his truck to get more bags.

There should be a limit on how many avocados you can order. You should hit seven and then someone at Amazon headquarters says, “Ahhh. This looks like a desperate mother trying to compensate for the abuse her daughter endured during childhood. Or it is a terrorist attack. Either way, SHUT IT DOWN.”

But there is no avocado regulation.

I took the twelve bags inside. After my refrigerator turned into an avocado adoption agency and there was no more room, I ran around my house putting avocados where I could. Like I was planting grenades in the war against freshness.

I ended up leaving at 8:00 a.m., ready to be 30 minutes late again. But hey, not two hours! But also, like hey, still a half hour.

When I arrived at work, I got the usual scowl from my boss. Would I tell him what had happened that morning? No, of course not. I did, however, tell my coworkers about it. I figured it was pretty good small talk: “My mother manically ordered me 120 gallons of avocados. Hahaha mothers, right?”

Turns out that’s not good small talk. It’s a very personal window into my life and my mother’s mental health that’s actually barely relatable. All the good employees were like, “You call your mom mother? I call mine mommy. I love her so much. She knitted me all of the clothes I wear and I have a tupperware of her breast milk for lunch.”

Back at home, my three roommates and I did our best, but we were no match for the 2,000 avocado attack. As I was munching on my fourth serving of green, creamy insanity that day, another package was delivered to my door. Inside was a specialized avocado slicer and a little plastic pod that holds half an avocado to keep it fresh (you know, in case you have 4,000 half avocados that you are desperately trying to keep alive).

The “avocado slicer” is for preparing perfect slices, and I’m almost sure that my mom sent it because she feels as though she didn’t prepare me for the kind of life most mothers want to give to their daughters. And she is right; she didn’t. It dawned on me that all the Amazon Prime packages represent my mother trying to make up for a lack of preparation. She did prepare me for a life, but not for the happy one that I am choosing to live now.

During my formative years, my instincts were built in a constant state of fight or flight. I am reckless and temperamental, yet sensitive and dissociative. I fight the urge to self destruct on a daily basis, and my fear of abandonment is all consuming at times. “Here, have this,” says the avocado slicer to me with a wink, “a tool you can use to prepare things properly for the life you want.”

The pod is there because my mom is trying to preserve my childhood. Maybe when I was born, my mom felt like I did when I received a bajillion avocados all at once. She couldn’t think straight and became overwhelmed and threw me into a refrigerator that couldn’t fit me. What I’m saying is, she’s trying to make up for lost time. She’s sending me things I loved as a child with all the tools I need to preserve them.

And it’s not working. I’m not a kid again, and there isn’t a second chance at my childhood (thank GOD).

But I’m here now, and I love you mom. I still love fruits and veggies, and I’m not doing drugs. I’m the ideal daughter, fifteen years too late. You’d really wanna get to know me now. I’m much less difficult than I used to be (if you ask anyone besides the strangers commuting with me on the train and like, three ex- boyfriends).

When I got that giant delivery of avocados, I had to let some rot. I did my best, and my best wasn’t enough. You did your best with me mom, and I bruised, but I’m not sure I would’ve done a better job than you did.

The mom guilt must be tough, but it’s no match for my daughter love. I love you and I forgive you. You are my mom, not my mother. I want us to have a relationship and I want you to be well — if for no other reason than avoiding a stressful amount of overripe fruit in my kitchen.

Follow Hannah Boone on Twitter or check out her website for standup shows.

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