Doctors are people with lives, families, and hobbies outside of work. But due to the high stakes and intimate nature of their job, sometimes it's weird to think about a doctor as a human person whose entire life doesn't revolve around your back pain and that weird mole on your neck. Which is why it could be a mistake to Google your doctor—because you never know what you might find. Recently, someone googled their family's physician and then regretted it after discovering the physician moonlights as a Twitter comedian. Not only does he tweet silly jokes, but he tweets jokes about his job.
"I found my family's physician on Twitter and I wish I hadn't" wrote the patient, who shared screenshots of some of Doc's tweets on imgur.
Here are some of the tweets that made this patient regret his Google search. They're honestly pretty funny, in a "dad joke" kind of way, but you can understand why they might make his patient feel a little awk:
Patient:
Me: Are you on any form of contraception besides your personality?
Srsly though, these are obviously harmless jokes and in no way reflect on this guy's abilities as a doctor. And besides, a funny doctor can definitely be an asset to the sick and suffering—Patch Adams, anyone?!
I guess, as a comedian, I can understand why you wouldn't necessarily want a jokester responsible for keeping you alive. But this is America, and no matter who we are or what we do for work, our forefathers fought for us all to have the right to make dad jokes on Twitter.
It was a family affair on Ireland Baldwin's NSFW Instagram contribution this week. But let's back up. If the name 'Ireland Baldwin' made you think 'Who?', allow me to fill you in.
Ireland is the daughter of former couple Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. She's a twenty three year-old model and actress who calls Los Angeles home. And yes, she's gorgeous.
A post shared by ireland (@irelandbasingerbaldwin) on
With that lineage, how could she not be?
Ireland was involved in a public scandal in 2007 when her father Alec left her a voicemail calling her a 'rude, thoughtless little pig' for missing a scheduled phone call. She is NOT Hailey Baldwin, who is the daughter of Alec's brother Stephen and the wife of Justin Bieber. Got it? Good.
This week Ireland posted a racy photo to Instagram featuring her thong-clad butt on a hotel roof.
You probably hadn't heard of Dina Hashem before today and that's a shame. She's a rising stand up comic who's performed on Conan, Comedy Central, and at clubs like The Comedy Cellar.
She recently taped a set for Comedy Central's series 'This Week at The Comedy Cellar', in which stand ups deliver topical jokes about the week's news. Her bit concerning rapper XXXTentacion's death was well received by the Cellar audience, but not by his fanbase online.
Hashem says on stage, 'Is anyone still mourning XXXTentacion? He’s a rapper, who was murdered, he’s dead now. He was shot, he was on his way to buy a car with 50K in cash and somebody shot him and took the money. Which is very tragic, but I also think it would be a very good Venmo commercial. That’s the first thing I thought when I heard that. Like, 'I don’t have Venmo, I should get Venmo.'
Once the bit was uploaded to help promote the show's second season - which began airing yesterday - it created a controversy spanning the music and comedy worlds. As Complex noted, X's friends like rapper Ski Mask The Slump God responded directly to the clip on social media, which boosted its reach - and simultaneously fomented criticism of Hashem.
The comedian's received an onslaught of vitriol online, including death threats. She's also been doxxed.
Dina Hashem & Comdey Central are clowns 🤡 for thinking that was acceptable to treat XXXTentacion that way, this was ridiculous, i’m glad I’m in a position to call out this bs from corporations disrespecting groups they believe don’t have the power to stand up for themselves. pic.twitter.com/cepqHXyKJ0
Fuck @ComedyCentral and fuck @dinahashem_ whoever this nut ass bitch is we gone crack jokes on ya ugly ass when you die horribly. I can't believe this shit. And they really cool with this. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL . https://t.co/hI2j0qCTP9
I’m not one to spread hate but FUCK DINA HASHEM. womp womp bitch got her 5 minutes of negative fame and now by the grace of god ya career about to plummet
Any comics who get loud about “PC culture is ruining comedy” and defensive about freedom of speech whenever a white guy says the N-word, and who are now quiet about @dinahashem_ getting fucking DOXED for a JOKE have lost any credibility for their cause.
Others pointed out the less-than-comfortable fact that those calling for her cancelation are defending a man who abused women during his lifetime. When you're a famous artist, your legacy lives on through fans. But what if that legacy includes (violent) misogyny?
XXXTentacion violently assaulted his pregnant girlfriend in a bathtub until she lost vision and vomited. If you’re fine with that as a fan but think a stand-up comedian making a joke about him is inappropriate, I hope you are held somewhere and evaluated. Police report in reply
XXXTentacion bragged about stabbing nine people and “bashing” his girlfriend’s face publicly on the Internet. Dina Hashem used his name to make a joke about Venmo. Maybe think about which one makes you angry. (For me, it’s Venmo. You don’t fucking touch Venmo.)
It fucking sucks that the price of success for female comics is death/rape threats. I’ve seen this happen en masse to two women I really admire in comedy this month. It’s trash
Dina Hashem is an extremely talented comedian and should absolutely not be getting vitriol for making a punchline out of a rapper who admitted to beating his pregnant girlfriend and trying to kill a gay man.
The situation is still developing, as people aren't done responding to Hashem's work online - or, alternately, Comedy Central's decision to pull her set. I guess it *is* a dangerous time to do comedy, especially for one Arab-American woman who writes great jokes.
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?"
-Bette Midler
It's Sunday, but you don't have to feel guilty for laughing at these memes. Anyone with a dirty mind and an inappropriate sense of humor will get a kick out of this hilarious list.
Teachers mold the next generation while being severely underpaid and they deserve all our respect. They not only follow a curriculum and lesson plans, but they also make sure children are safe and happy.
A good teacher is a person you remember well into adulthood, especially if the lessons aren't just about the books. While kids will always be kids, with access to constant information in their hands, kids today are smarter and more informed than ever. They're getting involved in politics, they're forming important opinions, and they're generally kinder and more empathic than previous generations.
When a recent Reddit user asked, "Teachers of Reddit, what are some positive trends you have noticed in today's youth?" teachers were ready to reveal some uplifting facts. The kids are alright!
1. Hydration is key. "TW_prism."
As a health POV. Students tend to be drinking a lot more water than when I was at school. Probably around 80% of kids tend to have water bottles I've noticed now
2. If you hurt a dog you'll probably go to hell? "forth1grl."
being kinder to animals, jerks i grew up with used to hit strays with stones and sticks.
3. This is amazing, "shrimpslord."
Art teacher here- my 6 year old students are really good with encouraging statements, absolutely unprompted by us. We were working with clay and the shyest girl, who had never spoken once, said “wow Rylie, you did a great job on your bunny! It looks beautiful!” or when a girl cried because hers broke, a student said “don’t worry Coco, you can repair it, it’ll be okay!” just very kind things like that, you wouldn’t believe a 6 year old would have the selflessness to say.
4. There's hope! "jsheil1."
I teach second grade. They are much kinder and they are much better readers than kids even ten years ago.
5. They help eachother! "dr-lele."
Collaborative learning through taking class notes on things like shared Google Docs. Students add in comments where they don’t understand parts of a lecture, and other students will explain.
6. This might be a good thing, "HaloSlippin."
I have noticed that my freshmen (for the most part) tend to be very.... open I guess is the right word. They seem to readily share their thoughts, ideas, problems, etc with each other. They put each others thumb/finger prints in their phones, readily share them, and don't really have anything to hide. They are also super honest and up front with me. I don't know if this is truly going to turn out to be a positive thing in the long run, but their expectations of privacy are very different than mine. I think it is an offshoot of social media culture.
7. Wow, "chemtranslator."
Kids are incredibly intelligent. Because of the internet they have now they can learn about anything whenever and quickly. They also learn more because parenting is improved, teaching is improved and so they have so much more research on what they're doing that they become more efficient. The resumes I see from high school students are better than what I had graduating from college.
I'd also second that they are much kinder. Some of the things I overhear flabbergast me with how different things are from when I was in high school 18 years ago.
8. Interesting, "TheSpruce_Moose."
They’re more aware of the general goings-on in the world and have a strong sense of justice. Along with that, as others have mentioned in this thread, they are more accepting of differences. The bully/victim trope is less of a thing now (where I am, at least) and kids usually love and let live.
The flip side of this is that a lot of kids are getting faulty information and a lot of them carry fairly shocking, uninformed opinions because of what they’ve heard or read on the internet.
9. They're getting political! "xenxens."
I'd say they're better at forming their own opinions on issues and morals, which I would largely attribute to their access to the internet and thus getting to see and hear a wider variety of viewpoints. I remember when it used to be that "my dad likes Bush so I like Bush" kind of thing but now I hear kids have actually individual viewpoints and intelligent conversations about world issues.
Plus, I feel like they're more open and honest. It's not uncommon for kids to tell me how they're feeling or what's going on with them in their personal lives or what they think of what's going on with the class or me, usually all of this without any prompting. It helps me adjust to what they need and feel and want and also just helps us build that bond. When I was their age (7th grade) I was a steel trap when it came to talking to teachers about what was going on with me, and pretty much all my peers were the same.
10. Down with student debt! "POSTrock_in_theFrWrld."
They're more pragmatic about the choices they make. Taking measures to reduce the amount of student debt they are going to accrue. They are also much more accepting of people of other cultures. Much less discrimination it seems.
11. This is such good news, "Back2Bach."
It seems to me that students today are increasingly more aware, curious, and resourceful - everything from climate change to science, from the arts to socio-political considerations.
They question things more directly, and are adept at exploring and finding answers as they adroitly navigate the internet.
12. Oh my god, "argamos."
I do sex-ed for 14-16 year olds. They always ask how to satisfy the opposite sex and seem less selfish
13. Respect the nerds! "UsefulConcern."
Nerd/geek culture is more accepted.
14. They're saving the planet! "zensonic1974."
Have much more focus on the environment than my generation
15. Kindness! Imagine that! "fiestiier."
Kids are much more kind and accepting of those with special needs.
Just more kind and accepting in general, actually.
16. This is so nice, "thisismycourage."
This will be my fourth year working with kids with disabilities. The severity ranges from mild to severe.
Not once in my four years have I ever had a kid ask: “what’s wrong with him?” I’ve never had a high functioning individual question someone else. And I really like that.
Yup, there's a MAGA-themed girl group. And yup, people hate them.
The "band," who calls themselves, "The Deplorable Choir," has a Trump-themed message for the nation that's getting brutally roasted by the wonderful world of the internet.
Aside from the fact that the song itself is probably not going to be the next pop hit, the message is a little confusing. They start right off by saying, "we don't care if you're white, we don't care if you're black, we don't care if you're gay, we're all under attack." The thing is, though, Trump does care if you're white. He cares very much. Do they not know what Trump stands for? Because it's not gay people...
"We don't care if you're rich, we don't care if you're poor. We just know, what we're fighting for."
Trump cares VERY much about whether people are rich and poor. In fact, that's kind of his entire thing. Are these women secretly liberals? Is this satire and we're all idiots? Someone please explain this.
Regardless of whether or not "The Deplorable Choir" actually knows what they're singing about, the internet has a lot to say. A lot of very hilarious, brutal things to say.
A woman discovered that her two roommates recorded a podcast all about how much they can't stand her — and people actually listened to it. The roomies even divulged and mocked the woman's mental health issues.
She's now, of course, asked the internet for help.
She posted a query about the issue on the /r/relationships subreddit. She first found out about the whole thing thanks to some fan mail the roommates received:
I was picking up mail from the mailbox and they got a fanmail postcard sent to them from their friend away at a religious camp. On it described how the podcast update "made her day", and described how she laughed at the parts about info pertaining to my eating disorder, mental health, and how they think my new SO (24M) is "...interesting..." (aka they think he's awkward).
After reading this bizarre piece of mail, she realized what was going on.
Not only is it incredibly uncomfortable to think how they're essentially making my life a reality tv show, but the fact that they are sharing info that they promised to keep secret (i.e. my eating disorder and mental health issues) is really distressing. I hear them gossip about me when in adjacent rooms, but I wouldn't have expected a full blown fucking podcast about my quirks and fuck ups.... They're the type to watch a lot of dating reality TV and watch gossipy popular youtubers , so it makes sense to me that they are the epitome of drama queens .... however this really feels like crossing a line.
Finally, she asked for help — and said she's already locked into living with this gruesome twosome for another year.
How do I approach them about this?I have to live with these people for another year, how do I bring up the fact that I know they are talking to me behind my back all the time?
This is a tough one, but the people of Reddit had her back. Most of the advice is simple: move out.
One advised her to get a lawyer and send a cease and desist letter right away, on the grounds that the roommates are endangering her.
"Even if they didn't use your name directly," the user said, "they gave out their address if they are receiving fan mail. And anyone can look up that address, see who lives there and figure out who you are easily enough, so they really can't cry that they kept your identity a secret, because no they didn't."
Another said that actually, what the roommates did might not technically be an invasion of privacy.
"If they’re not sharing her name/identifying information, and the OP shared the issues with them openly, I really don’t think there’s legal grounds for action," they said. "My advice to the OP would be to no longer speak to these people more than necessary, and as soon as you can move out or don’t sign another lease with them, even if it isn’t the most convenient option."
Whether or not legal options are available, one user suggested using college resources if they're available.
"Are you all in college together?" another user asked. "If so you should also report them to your Dean of Students. This is absolutely grounds for expulsion. And no, it doesn't matter if you live off campus or this is a 'personal' issue. Students are bound to a code of conduct 24/7 everywhere, and they would seriously be violating it."
The OP said she's still looking for the podcast online, and one user put it best:
"People like this thrive in situations where they can get 'cool points' from those around and where they are protected from seeing the damage they create," they said.
Let's hope OP gets out of this hellish living situation.
MAGA-themed weddings are unfortunately becoming a trend...
I don't really know what about Trump (a man who cheated on his current wife with a porn star and has been divorced twice already) screams eternal love and marriage, but his supporters will do just about anything for an excuse to wear the red hat.
Not every MAGA wedding gets a surprise from the guest of honor, though. The "lucky" couple, PJ Mongelli and Nicole Marie of Staten Island, were in for a shock when the president showed up on their special day. Granted, Trump owns the club where they had their wedding (Trump National Gold Cub Bedminister) and the couple admits they tried to invite him already. However, it's still fun to say he "crashed" it.
In this video, Trump is introduced to the bride's dad. A voice in the background is heard reassuring the president that they're "all supporters here." Is Obama available for wedding appearances? Because he and Michelle know a little more about a successful marriage, jus' sayin.'
According to TMZ, the reception hall was decked out with "Trump 2020" flags. The bride not only sent Trump an invitation, but also a scrapbook of memories she has shared with him at his rallies and other events. I guess it's good to have a passion?
Trump reportedly was invited to a second event after the reception in Staten Island and he also attended that party. It's good to know that the Secret Service is keeping busy protecting our president at very important work-related events...
The smitten couple shared the news with the world on Thursday, and they've been flooding Instagram with adorable photos of their extremely white teeth and their extremely enthusiastic feelings of love.
Celebrity or not, sharing a series of nauseatingly happy engagement photos with your social media followers is par for the course. In many cases, announcing the engagement produces more dopamine than the marriage itself, so might as well eat up all those likes while they are fresh for the harvesting.
Sadly though, because the internet is a place where people project massive amounts of jealousy and hostility onto strangers in order to feel less focused on their husk of a life, there are inevitably commenters who cannot stand the sight of beaming engaged couple that looks plucked out of a Crest advertisement.
Most of the time, Hyland lets trolls be trolls and doesn't waste her brain space on them. But every once in awhile they need to be reminded that their comments are not dissipating into the abyss of angst, they are being hurled at another human being.
If you're feeling down about the state of our nation, the congestion of online dating and the general shallowness of modern romance--fear not! Turns out, there are a lot of couples out there who genuinely love, trust and respect one another. Imagine, people excited to actually talk to one another without staring at their phones? What a world!
When a recent Reddit user asked, "What is a small act your SO regularly does for you that makes you feel deeply loved?" the internet was eager to share the cute, sometimes corny, sometimes nauseatingly adorable small gestures their partners do to make them know they care.
Get ready to cry, there's true love out there for all of us!
1. Aw, "yesterdaysfeelings."
Wakes up before I do and makes me a coffee. Then he goes back to sleep. He does this EVERY. DAY.
2. Corn is good, "SubjectDelta28."
Whenever I say, "Honey, I'm about to go *do some sort of task/activity alone* I ask, "Is there anything you need before I go?" (We have kids and they are Legion) When he doesn't have anything he needs help with, he responds, "I need you." and usually hugs me and won't let go for a bit. Corny, yes, but hey what can I say, I'm from Indiana and all I know is fucking corn.
3. Wow, "kebel23."
Every day, he leaves work at 4.30pm and he will call me and talk to me for the whole 45 minutes it takes him to drive home, I hear him pull up outside the house and he’ll say ‘bye, see you in a minute’ then comes in and says Hi and kisses me as though we haven’t just spent the last 45 minutes talking.
He’s done it for ages.
I look forward to my phone ringing everyday at 4.30pm. Even after all this time.
4. Gotta have those cats, "catzandcatsandcatz."
He brings me the cats when I'm laying down
5. Worth pretending to be afraid, though. "pringle-prangle."
He'll always comfort me during thunder storms. I'm not afraid of bad weather, nor have I ever been, and I don't know where he got the idea from, but the way he wraps me in a soft blanket and cuddles me in his arms is so comforting to me. I've never felt so protected and loved in my life before.
6. You have to check in! "Fart-Heart."
Looks/watches me when we’re watching tv, just a simple glance.
7. Nonsense can be fun! "MrsLadyMadonna."
Sometimes he goes to the store. He always comes back with nonsense but he tried.
8. True love! "kittensandcattens."
He wears my sweatpants because he knows I prefer to wear his
9. Heart-eyes, "cdlcruz."
Whenever I mention I need something, be it Pads or a toothbrush or chocolate, he immediately gets up and gets it from the local store. It makes me feel like everything I say is important to him. Its adorable and lovely.
10. Chivalry isn't dead! "emuhlee_ruhiyan."
He kisses me every single time before he leaves the house whether I’m awake or asleep.
Opens every door for me.
Makes me walk on the “inside” of the sidewalk
Such a great husband.
11. Classic move, "anon4628513794216480."
unexpected hug from behind
12. The dream! "uhno28."
He leaves tea on my nightstand and kisses me goodbye even when I'm still asleep. And on Mondays he puts an extra sugar cube in my tea to motivate me.
I sometimes find sweet notes in the morning. When I started my first job in the US I was a little nervous, and I found a note taped to my steering wheel that first morning, saying how proud he was of me and how he knew I was going to do great, etc. etc.
13. GOALS, "CafeConeja."
He'll say "hey" and when I turn around he'll go, "Nothing, I just like your face."
5. Melania Trump, because she was shaded by Miranda Priestly Anna Wintour.
For a fashion model-turned-fascism model like Melania Trump,Anna Wintour is the queen. Melania likely looks up to the editor-in-chief of Vogue even more than she looks up to Eva Braun.
In an interview with The Economist about the intersection of politics and fashion, Wintour not only declined to discuss Melania, but opted to praise Michelle Obama instead.
"[Melania] I think, very consciously, wanted to see herself as an ambassador for British fashion, in this case, or a transatlantic ambassador," The Economist's Anne McElvoy explained. "Do you value that?"
"Well, I think First Lady Michelle Obama really was so incredible in every decision she made about fashion," Wintour answered. "She supported young American designers. She supported designers, indeed, from all over the world. She was the best ambassador this country could possibly have in many ways, obviously, way beyond fashion."
"But she's not the first lady now," McElvoy replied. "So what about the one you've got now?"
"To me, [Obama] is the example that I admire," Wintour said.
It's an extremely small thing that doesn't improve the quality of life for immigrant children, but we'll take these little bursts of joy at Trumps' expense where we can.
4. Senator Kamala Harris, because she's facing the wrath of Swifties.
Earlier this month, Swift took to Tumblr to express her disgust and dismay that thrugh a corporate merger, her life's work is now owned by Braun, who represents Justin Bieber and "bullied" her throughout the Kanye feud.
Braun hosted a fancy fundraiser for Harris at his $20 million mansion, and it was crashed by his clients Katy Perry, Demi Lovato, and Ariana Grande.
If @KamalaHarris thinks this will get her votes she is delusional and @scooterbraun is a thief who uses these women to advance his bank account just like Kamala used a man to advance her career.
@Kamala why? He is disgusting and please follow the money that he jsss to purchase Big Machine and Taylor Swift’s life’s work. He’s shady at best. Please don’t attend this.
The Taylor Swift voting block wasn't enough to get a Democrat elected senator in Tennessee, but there are Swifties who vote in all fifty states (and Puerto Rico).
3. The Mountie who discussed a double murder as a cat.
The only display of humanoid cats that's worse than the Cats trailer was during a press conference about two "suspicious" deaths.
Chynna Noelle Deese, 24, and her boyfriend, Lucas Robertson Fowler, 23, were tragically discovered shot and killed in their car on a remote highway, as explained by a woman with whiskers and cat ears.
The B.C. RCMP are giving a press conference on the two people murdered on the Alaska Highway, and they have the cat ear filter on. pic.twitter.com/j8GvkvKA4u
Whoever switched the filter is likely feeling even sorrier than the average Canadian today.
2. The Waffle House bandit, because he still can't afford better wigs.
Police in Georgia are on the hunt for a robber who is likely guilty of both actual crimes and fashion crimes.
The guy recently wore a wig looking like Meryl Streep's character in Big Little Lies and passed a note to a Waffle House employee demanding they "pass all the money." WSB-TV reports that the would-be wig-snatcher "has robbed several Waffle Houses, two drugstores and a bank while wearing the wigs."
INFORMATION WANTED ON SUSPECT!
DKPD Criminal Investigative Division is looking for all information possible on suspect...
The dog, named Winter, was a birthday gift for her daughter, Arabella. And as a dog lover, it kills me to say this, but this blue-eyed, bright white dog looks like it could be a biological member of the Trump klan.
Given that Trump has been stoking racism even more than usual in the past week, many people on Twitter are roasting the Trump-Kurshner family's choice to get such a very, very, very white dog.
While others are taking the opportunity to remind Ivanka that, while she celebrates her white dog, there are human children languishing in cages at the border in inhumane conditions.
I wonder what the children in cages will get for their birthdays?
Please ask Arabella if Mommy can arrange for immediate release of all the innocent immigrant children grandpa has locked in cages so that other kids can have hope for their dreams too.
— Hope Springs Eternal (@FrenettMarco) July 21, 2019
Thousands of children in US custody havn't bathed or brushed their teeth or even been hugged in weeks thanks to your father but cool you got a new puppy I guess.
Awwww I bet Winter will have her own bed & a cozy home & play time outside & a blanket & toothbrush & hugs & good food, unlike those children locked in cages living in unsanitary conditions & abused down at the border, right? I bet the nanny will be forced to walk Winter, right?
A few optimists are wondering what Winter will do when their new family goes to prison.
What a beautiful animal!! My heart aches for her knowing she'll have to he rehomed shortly - maybe you should make arrangements in advance as to who will care for her while you & your wife are in jail? Just a thought.
— 🌊Sheryl Lynne #tRumpIsARa_ist (@shossy2) July 21, 2019
As this guy points out, getting a shelter dog instead of an expensive purebred would've been the better move here. But a family that believes kids belong in cages is unlikely to make the more humane choice when it comes to dogs.
Pro tip: when everyone hates you for being a spoon fed nothing grifter who’s full of shit, an advisor to the president who doesn’t advise, when you want to seem human and get a dog, maybe a shelter dog would show humanity. But all white and blue eyes is on brand. Fuck off
Turns out, getting your kid a blindingly white dog and celebrating it on social media is not a good look when children are dying on your racist dad's watch. Will Ivanka learn her lesson this time? Absolutely not. Good luck Winter.
In theory, going to the beach is a supremely relaxing activity that connects you to nature and lets you chill with loved ones, but that's not always how the reality goes down.
The beach is also a place full of tons of strangers, flasks full of booze that influence bad decision making, and small animals trying to navigate the big sand pit. This is not to mention the looming presence of the sun, ready to scorch your flesh-bag once the sunscreen wears off and you opt for a sun nap.
During one of his recent hashtag roundups, Jimmy Fallon asked viewers to share their most embarrassing beach stories under the hashtag #beachfails and these make the old sand-in-the-underwear look like child's play.
1.
My wife and I were on an extended family vacation at Newport beach. We snuck off to make love on the beach at night away from the family. As we started making love the police helicopter who was looking for a suspect found us with thier light. They told us to get a room.#BeachFail
I let my daughter nap on the beach until a concerned man came and asked if she was my daughter. Then I realized it didn’t exactly look like she was sleeping #beachfailpic.twitter.com/LszlYaiv7C
Went snorkeling with my friend and he found a house key in the ocean. He picked it up and said “some idiot lost his key” and threw it. When I dropped him off at his house he realized it was his key. #beachfail
Tried to impress my wife by walking out of the ocean like Daniel Craig/James Bond. Got knocked over by a wave: riptide, pants down, bloody knee, hair looked like a bad toupee, and a little kid on the beach saw me and started crying. #BeachFail
@jimmyfallon#beachfail@FallonTonight A seagull dropped droppings on my dads’ back while at the beach. My dad turned to my mom and said thanks for the sunscreen. He then reached for his back and he spread the “sunscreen”.
My annoying aunt made the whole family to do beach meditation with her. When she asked each of us to describe our happy place my dad just said, “This trip, but without you here.” #BeachFail
My siblings and I were excited to go to the beach for the day because we had been waiting all week to go. My mom got us packed in the car, only to take our dog to the vet. She said, “The only way she will be convinced it’s not the vet is if you think it isn’t either”...#BeachFail
When my husband was in the ocean in NC, a wave caught him full in the face, and he ended up puking. We watched this ginormous blob of barf make its way to a woman who was swimming in a white bikini... #beachfail
My friend said, “hey there’s a sea creature which looks like my purse”. When we looked closely, it was a huge wave carrying all our 8 handbags into the sea!! #BeachFail
#BeachFail That time I was eating a sandwhich while walking on the beach and I was attacked by MANY seaguls. I started running....tripped and landed face first into a guys crotch.
Felt something graze my foot, looked down to see a black mass in the water. My Shark Week instincts kicked in and I yelled “Shark!” I twisted my ankle and fell face first into the water while in survival mode.
Just to realize, it was a discarded trash bag. #BeachFail
My cousin had a beach wedding. I’m a very pale redhead. I put on so much sunscreen that the flash from the camera only picked up my black eyeliner, red hair, and floral dress. I ruined the wedding photos. #BeachFail
My wife was at the beach with her family. Her grandma was walking her dog by the water. A wave came and she fell into the water and couldn’t get up. My father in law thought she was just playing in the water and waved at her. #beachfail#shegotup@FallonTonight
There's also that time where some dude was like let me introduce u to my pet firulais, which is literally how we call every stray dog in Venezuela so we thought omg yay a cute dog, and he came and showed us this #BeachFailpic.twitter.com/x8TrEQfKWF
A set-up date at the beach, thought I would go for a dip into the ocean before she showed up. Saw her, I got out and used a new cheap towel to dry off. The cheap purple dye from towel rubbed all over my body. She saw me, said "Hellllllll no Grimace!" and walked off. #beachfail
Worked a night shift & drove to the beach @ 8 am. I fell asleep on my raft and the current drifted me way, way out. I woke up near the fishing boats. #BeachFail
My brother wanted to see what happened if he held some food in his hands at the beach. He was quickly swarmed by seagulls that nearly killed him. #BeachFail
Me and my friends ran into the water like little school girls, only to run right back out with microscopic jellyfish all over us. They somehow found a way into my ass crack and didn’t want to leave. #BeachFail
I flew in from MN to FLA late at night and went swimming In the dark and kept getting “nudged” in the water. The next morning we went down there and a sign read, “Beach closed. Shark Mating Season.” #BeachFail😳
I was visiting my friend in California & we went to the beach with snacks.... we hid our snacks & went down to the water... When we came back... well.. the seagulls found our stash. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. My friend was NOT amused. #BeachFailpic.twitter.com/RxOx9oXHmR
In Mexico we made sure my son had plenty of sunscreen, but it made his face sticky and a magnet for sand. He spent most of our vacation wearing the beach on his face. #BeachFailpic.twitter.com/77yUXTv7RC
First time paddle boarding. Got no instruction from the harbor rental people. Later I was notified via loud speaker that I was in the way of a ferry docking. I only managed to spin repeatedly. The people onboard had to teach me from the ferry. I went 10 feet in 20 min.#BeachFail
#BeachFail Niece walking down the beach with a hotdog and a seagull came in and took the hotdog out of the bun as she was going to take a bite! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
In St Aug...trying to teach my son to boogie board a wave in. Hes scared to death. So, like most men, you gotta show the kid. I grab the board, get flipped, board vertical, face scrapped up, and I quickly look to see if he saw it and there he was crying...#BeachFail
Women deal with a lot of sexism and obstacles here on earth, so it makes sense that this sexism would follow them in to space. The first woman went into space in 1963, but it took another two decades for female astronauts to become common. Turns out there's a glass ceiling even outside of the earth's orbit.
Apparently, there is a myth that NASA took so long to send women into space because of how women go to the bathroom?!
Recently, author Mary Robinette Kowal published an essay called “To Make It to the Moon, Women Have to Escape Earth’s Gender Bias" exploring the ways in which sexism here on earth prevented women from making strides in space. In response to her essay, she says several people claimed that "women couldn't go into space because we lacked the technology for them to pee in space."
In a Twitter thread that has gone viral, Kowal disproves this myth by breaking down the truth about how astronauts go to the bathroom in space.
It has all the info. on peeing and pooping outside the earth's orbit that you never knew you always wanted.
Let's talk about peeing in space.
Several people, in response to my NY Times essay, have said that women couldn't go into space because we lacked the technology for them to pee in space.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
At first, she explains, doctors didn't think anyone, man or woman, would be able to pee without gravity.
When the Mercury program was proposed, doctors were worried that people would not be able to urinate or even swallow without the aid of gravity.
And yet, they still made plans to send a man into space.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
The first space mission was meant to take only 15 minutes so no arrangements for peeing were made. Of course, things did not go according to plan.
When Alan Shepherd became the first American man to go into space, it was scheduled to be a fifteen-minute mission.
Up.
Hello space!
Back down.
They made no plans for peeing.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
So the first guy to go into space had a suit full of pee. What a trooper.
Launchpad delays meant that Shepherd hit a point where he needed to go. Badly.
He asked Mission Control for permission to go in his suit. After consultation with flight surgeons & suit technicians, they gave him permission to do so.
So he wet himself & still went into space.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Then a condom-like apparatus was invented to catch the pee. It didn't work.
Later, they solved this problem by developing a sheath, that looked much like a condom.
It worked great in testing, but when the actual astronauts used it, the sheath kept blowing off and leaving them with pee in their suits.
Was this about extended time in the spacesuit?
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Turns out, the reason it didn't work is that men were lying about the size of pee-condom they needed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The sheaths came in small, medium, and large. It turns out, the men were all saying that they needed a Large sheath.
They did not.
Subsequently, the astronauts called the sheaths were called "Extra-large," "Immense," and "Unbelievable."
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
There was also a bag for poo. But this solution was flawed and there was still pee and poop in the space capsule. EW.
They had to tape a bag to their ass to poop.
That worked well for Gemini and Mercury. And by well, I mean there was still urine in the capsule and it stank of feces.
Apollo needed a different solution.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
So a device was invented that would suck astronauts' pee out into space. Take that, aliens!
Alas, they still had to poop into a bag, but for peeing, they could slip on a condom attached to a valve, turn the valve and have their urine sucked into the vacuum of space.
If you timed it right.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
This, too, was flawed. But at least it was pretty!
Open the valve a fraction too late, and urine escaped to float around the cabin.
Open it too early and the vacuum of space reached through the valve to grab your manhood.
Apparently, the venting of pee into space is very pretty. It catches the sunlight and sparkles.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
So they switched back to pee-condoms.
For the spacewalks, the Apollo astronauts were back to condoms that collected the pee in a bag in the suit.
Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon, but the first to pee there.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Still, the pee-condoms solution was flawed. Remember when Fred Haise got sick in the movie Apollo 13? Well apparently it's because his genitals were bathing in pee.
This detail for some reason didn't make it in to the movie.
During Apollo13, everyone who has seen the movie knows that Fred Haise got sick. Do you know why, though?
After the accident, they couldn't use the regular vent, because it needed to be heated to keep the pee from freezing.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
The alternate system caused droplets to float around the ship. Mission Control told them to stop dumping pee.
It wasn't meant to be a permanent ban, but the crew didn't understand that. So they were stashing pee in every bag or container possible.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
The fastest option was to store it in the collection bags they wore in their suits. Haise kept his on for hours and hours, basically bathing in pee.
He got a UTI and then a kidney infection.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
After decades of dudes going into space with pee-soaked genitals, NASA decided to send women into space. Finally!
Now they needed to come up with a method for peeing in space that didn't involve pee-condoms, since women can't wear condoms. Their solution? A diaper.
Finally, a decade later, NASA decides to send women into space. NOW they have a reason to come up with how to handle peeing in space if you don't have a penis.
To launch and for a spacewalk, they developed the MAG
Maximum Absorbency Garment.
It's a diaper.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
They also got rid of the ass-bag and replaced it with a zero-gravity toilet!
The men switched over to using those because it was more comfortable and less prone to leave pee floating around the cabin than the condom sheath.
They also developed a zero-G toilet so that astronauts no longer had to tape a bag to their ass.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Even in 2019, peeing and pooping in space is not an easy process. Pooping in particular requires some, umm, involvement.
Peeing or pooping in space is now a lengthy process, involving a fan, a targeting system, and a fair amount of prayer.
Fun pooping in space fact: Without gravity, the poop doesn't break off as it exits your body. You have to reach back and help with special gloves.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Peeing is easier though. Until the toilet breaks down. Apparently that happens.
Peeing is a little more straightforward. It's basically a funnel, a tube, a bag, and a fan for suction.
Sometimes though, the toilet breaks down. At that point, they return to using "relief bags" taped to their ass and "manual urine containment."
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Fun fact: these fun facts might make you nauseous.
During a malfunction, it is also possible for a giant floating globe of pee to exit the toilet.
Fun fact: Due to chemicals, it is bright purple and acidic.
Fun fact: Poop regularly escapes, which is why you never eat a milk dud found floating in the ISS.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
In conclusion: we can stop blaming the slow advancement of women in space exploration on peeing and pooping.
All of which is to say that the reason women didn't go into space had nothing to do with lacking the technology to pee.
We didn't have the technology for men to pee in space when they started either.
And some days, the best solution is still a diaper or a bag taped to the ass
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
It's not peeing and pooping's fault. Because peeing and pooping in space is a nightmare for everyone, regardless of your gender or genitalia. Now that's equality!
After her thread went viral, Kowal was bombarded with questions about bodily functions in space. She answered them. SHE HAS ALL THE FACTS.
Burping in space sounds painful.
Addendum with some FAQs: What about Farting in space? - It does not propel you. Astronauts have tried.
What about belching? - Gravity keeps food at the bottom of the stomach. Burps in space tend to be accompanied by solid matter
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Thank Goddess for tampons, especially if you're a female astronaut!
What about periods in space? - According to women who have been there, "It's just like a period on Earth."
It turns out menstrual blood moves via a wicking action. Gravity can speed that up, but is unnecessary.
Also, tampons exist.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Fun fact: men don't understand how periods work.
Fun fact: When Sally Ride was preparing to go into space, NASA engineers asked her if 100 tampons would be the right number for a week.
She said, "No. That would not be the right number."
They cut it back to 50...
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Astronauts need a schedule so they know when to go!
Fun fact: Gravity creates most of the sense of urgency for peeing, so in microgravity, astronauts can't always tell when they need to go.
It's such a complicated process that they pee on a schedule.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
There is a pee ritual involving a tire.
Fun fact: When Yuri Gargarin was on his way to the launch pad, he realized the suit-up had taken so long that he needed to pee. He got out of the truck and peed on the tire.
Every astronaut to launch from Baikonur since has done the same.
Women squat or carry a vial of pee.
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
FUN FACT: BUY HER BOOK. Seriously though, this woman really knows her shit (and pee, tee hee).
Self-promotion Disguised as a Fun Fact: In my novel #TheFatedSky, I have an ENTIRE CHAPTER about a zero-g toilet repair complete with spinning globe of urine.
Alas, I had not yet learned that it should be bright purple so it is merely amber.https://t.co/8Yc58qJ2OX
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
Sometimes it is harder to be a man. Lol. (But only sometimes)
FAQ: Erections in space? Officially, it's never happened.
However, according to Mike Mullane in his book, Riding Rockets, he woke most mornings on the shuttle with his "wooden puppet friend"
"I had an erection so intense it was painful. I could have drilled through kryptonite."
— Mary Robinette Kowal (@MaryRobinette) July 19, 2019
THE MORE YOU KNOW.
Never have I been more grateful for my decision to pursue comedy writing in lieu of space travel.
Anyone who watched HBO's hit show, Big Little Lies will appreciate these hilarious memes. The show, based on the best selling novel by Liane Moriarty, made viewers both laugh and cry. It's also inspired countless tweets and memes. We've gathered up some of the funniest so you can concentrate on emotionally recovering from last night's finale.
Another day, yet another bursting opportunity to make fun of Don Jr.'s aspirations. The latest installment of Don Jr. memes present themselves as a beautiful series of artful interpretations of his book cover.
If you have been living under a glorious rock, far away from the doings of Don Jr. (in which case please invite me to be your roommate), then I regret to inform you that he has a book slated to come out in November.
In a truly on-brand Don Jr. move that borders on self-satire, the book is titled "Triggered: How The Left Thrives On Hate And Wants To Silence Us."
Remarkably, the book title wasn't lifted directly from an SNL sketch (or in Don Jr.'s words - an S&L sketch), but instead represents the literary vision of the president's son.
In true form, the internet has transformed his book cover into a series of memes, most of which suggest alternative titles if he's ever looking for a revised reprint.
The river of memes even includes terrifying video and audio options, further proving that roasting Don Jr.'s book is a creative prompt that unites people across mediums.
His book doesn't come out until November, and at that point, I have full faith there will be a book's worth of memes pre-emptively roasting this cover.
A woman named Alexsa shared on Twitter that she was "speechless" to receive a text from her ex-boyfriend the day before his wedding.
Usually when you receive a text from an ex, and on the day before his wedding, your day is about to be 100% ruined and involve 100% more ice cream. But this guy's text elicited a very different reaction. Clearly the two have not been in contact for a while, because she didn't even have his number saved. Here's how the interaction began:
He then proceeded to send her a lengthy, emotional text expressing his gratitude to his ex for all the ways she helped and supported him when they were together.
Here it is in its sappy entirety:
In the text, which seems pretty genuine IMHO, he thanks her for taking care of him, supporting him, and "teaching him how to love" as well as being there for him when he was coping with depression. He ends by wishing her "love and happiness."
After the texts went hugely viral, Alexsa shared screenshots of her response.
Much like the original texts, her reply is full of seemingly heartfelt gratitude, respect and love.
for everyone asking me what i replied to, this is what i replied. i was literally speechless an didn’t know what to say but that’s what i said . pic.twitter.com/Zwkh0iAr2i
Someone asked Alexsa why they didn't work out as a couple, and her heartbreaking response gives some more insight in to why he would send the text in the first place.
But not everyone reacted so warmly to the exchange. A lot of women are saying if they received this text, they'd be hurt and jealous.
This isn’t beautiful to me. BUT that’s me. I interpreted “even though we were both kids, you taught me how to go love someone else. I wasn’t perfect for you and now I’m perfect for another person. Thank you for upgrading me”. But I understand you guy’s background together so....
Literally one of my biggest fears. And then the new girl will be thinking you’re crazy for letting him go bc he gives her everything he never gave you.
While other people think his fiancé should be worried.
Idk man if I was the new girl I’d be a little weirded out that you wanted to send a paragraph to ur ex girlfriend & express your feelings.. in my opinion, that’s weird.
It's natural to view other people's relationships through the lenses of our own experiences and I understand why this text could be read as hurtful by some people. But it seems like these two have been through a uniquely painful experience together that would explain his need to send her an emotional text on the eve of his wedding day. That being said, not everyone is this mature. So if you're one of my exes, don't even think about texting me on the eve of your wedding day, or about getting married, period. There's not enough ice cream in the world.
Are you and your partner "not like the other couples"? Are you looking for a way to show your friends that you are so cool, chill, and above the wedding-industrial complex? Look no further than this foul-mouthed invitation that reads like swear words Mad Libs.
Posted in the That's It, I'm Wedding Shaming Facebook group, a place for—you guessed it—wedding shaming, this casual invite ironically has people thinking that the couple is trying too hard.
Out of respect for the couple, I'm not going to blurt out the swear words.
There's even more where that came from, under "sh*t you need to know."
Children? Leave the "little sh*ts behind so you can "get f*cked"!
Dress code? Whatever the F you want, or naked!
Hotels? "Google it you lazy f*ck!"
And to get everyone in the mood for romance...
Dietary requirements? "Eat what the f*ck you're given you fat f*cker"
Awww!!
Hopefully they have personalities listed on their f**king registry.