When it comes to quarantining, it's hard to tell which is worse: staying in with young kids, a psycho spouse, or your own parents. It might make you wish you were all alone.
A lot of women are self-isolating alone — and they're making hilarious observations about it. Here are some of the funniest tweets from women who are living alone in lockdown.
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
A day without sunshine I can handle, but a day without memes? Hell to the no! This absolutely hilarious compilation of jokes will definitely have you cracking up this morning. Kick back and enjoy the silliness.
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While Americans are constantly making fun of British accents, many non-American English-speakers have a lot to roast Americans about. Why do we pronounce most of our T-sounds as D-sounds? Why do all our parties in teen television shows feature red cups and kegs?
Of course, there is a solid level of mockery and judgment from non-Americans about American accents, politics and behaviors but there are some things that non-Americans find endearing and charming about United States phrases.
There are few feelings more uplifting than receiving a compliment you can return to when you're feeling down on yourself. A few choice encouraging words can help us climb outside our own skin to see ourselves in a clearer light, and in a depressing world full of 24/7 scary news, everyone can use boost.
However, not all compliments are created equal, and some leave us with more questions than confidence. While back-handed compliments are their own category of emotional whiplash, genuine but weird compliments invoke their own unique feelings of confusion.
In a popular Reddit thread, people shared the strangest compliments they've personally received or overheard.
That I smelt like doughnuts. This was from a very drunk man who was taken by my vanilla perfume, and then proceeded to bring all his friends over to sniff me.
Your nipples are the most erect I’ve ever seen.
I was told that I have nice legs by some random guy that didn't have legs at Wal-Mart once.
“Damn, do you have a brother? Cause I would f*ck the sh*t out of him”
Were you a caesarean baby? Because you have the nicest shaped head.
That I look like my dad in a dress.
“You’re pretty when you cry.”
At an airport an employee said, "You look like you should be somebody." After I said something like "Thanks...I think," he then clarified that he meant like an athlete or actor. I do think it was meant as a compliment, but since then I've been haunted by the feeling that I haven't lived up to my potential.
Already mentioned it once, but...
"You look so much cuter without your glasses on. Almost like you're 12."
It was from a front desk clerk who also touched my face because it looked so soft. I never walked out faster than I did there.
“You have nice goat birthing hands.”
A nurse told me I have beautiful veins.
“You rock two black eyes and a broken nose better than anyone I’ve ever seen. Your bruise matches your dress.”
For context: a couple of years ago I broke my nose on the back of a stopped car while commuting on my bike. I spent three weeks walking around with—you guessed it—a broken nose and two shiners. Most people looked horrified at first sight (a couple of my teachers asked about my home life), but one girl noticed that I’d started matching my clothing to the color of my bruises out of boredom.
I have been told by many people that I look and sound like the babysitter from incredibles and honestly I get it.
My OB/GYN, in the middle of my Pap smear, said, “you have a wonderful pelvic floor.”
I wasn’t sure what to say, but my brain went on auto and said, “thank you”. He just nodded and continued the exam.
"90% of women you meet won't like you. But the ones that do are gonna be obsessed with you and hang on your every word. You have the charisma of a cult leader."
Something like that. I still don't know what to think of that.
"Is that a guy or a girl? Damn either way."
"I don't know if that person over there is a guy or a girl but I would kill to have their thighs."
That I had broad shoulders. I thought it was an insult at first but then he went to explain that my shoulders were very attractive?
Have been riding horses for 18 years.
"On the ground sometimes you're kinda awkward and lanky, but on a horse that all goes away."
Alrighty then.
"You look like you could beat a door down," in response to asking how a pair of shorts looked.
“You have great calves. Really muscular, you must work out a lot.” From a construction worker as I was walking by in a skirt. I didn’t work out at all at the time.
"You're pretty good at boning." -- My dad... after a fishing trip when we're cleaning the fish.
Walking around on a campus, some (drunk? high? totally sober?) guys were passing and one of them said “you look like you have a big dick”, to which another responded “that’s a girl”, so the first guy said “sorry you look like you have a big strap” and kept walking.
You're horny but you're still a true Asian boy.
I was once told that I have "the ideal male BMI" by a girl I just met. As a very skinny guy, I found it odd until I learnt that she was in fact legally blind.
Emergency personnel are heroes who put their lives on the line to help people in crisis—and also stupid people who don't know how to use a Band-Aid.
911 dispatchers and dispatchees shared the most ridiculous situations that people wasted their times with, and be careful not to hit your head too hard when you facepalm.
First responders are risking their lives. Please don't waste their time with blow-up dolls or because your shoes are too tight.
Someone called the police because the sand at the volleyball court was too hot. They were confused when I told them I couldn't control the sun.
Another called because they were "being chased by a baby squirrel."
More than one person called because they saw a wolf. They often became upset when I told them it was a coyote, and seeing as how the town was in the woods, we would take no action.
911 call for a four-year-old who had a nightmare.
20 something year old guy called 911. He bought new shoes a few days before. They were too tight. His feet hurt.
He was still wearing them when we got there, but I successfully extricated him.
Report of a woman drowned in shallow water off the south shore of Long Island.
It was a semi-deflated blow up doll.
We got a call for a psych patient, acting erratic and talking to herself, turns out she was perfectly fine just chatting to someone on a blue tooth head set.
45 year old male locked inside car called 911. My buddy responded to tell him to unlock it then try the handle. Another life saved.
I got called for a woman experiencing stomach pain, which she calmly claimed was a 10/10. Must have been quite the trooper since her husband drove her 30 minutes across the county (past the hospital and 2 urgent care centers) to let her mom look at it before calling the wee-woo.
For someone who had been having unprotected sex for seven months she sure was confident she wasn't pregnant. The nurse who had to explain to her the way these things work was right on the corner of amused and pissed.
Briefly shadowed a small town fire department.
Lady called in that some dude was impaled by a branch while pruning trees. Rushed over there... it was all makeup. They were shooting a film. All the neighbors had been notified but she forgot apparently.
Got called one night for an elderly woman at a nursing home with two broken ankles after an "unwitnessed" fall. We arrive expecting the usual nursing home mess that 'no one knows how it happened'. But no.
Our patient is just sitting there, on the edge of her bed and smiling. Based on my initial assessment, all of her vitals are stable, and she is no apparent distress. She is also a very sweet little old lady who still thinks that Nixon is president and quite eager to voice her disapproval of this unfortunate fact... but was otherwise happy to answer my questions.
I ask her if she can walk, and she does. I ask her if anything hurts her anywhere, and she says no.
Now fully realizing the struggle ahead, I sullenly grumble off to find the nurse again while my partner sits with our patient.
I find the nurse and inform her that the patient is in no distress and has no complaint at this time. I ask her if she'd like us to cancel the transport and disregard the call.
Predictably, she tells me the patient's legs are obviously and severely rotated externally, that means she must have fallen, and the fact that I don't know that means of course, that I am some type of idiot.
So I ask her if she has any other information.
"Can you tell me what's wrong again, just for my report? And also so we can inform our patient what is currently transpiring?"
"Are you a f*cking idiot?! Her ankles are obviously broken, can't you see her toes aren't even pointing the right way!
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!! Look at it! Actually, look, both ankles are completely backwards!"
"Um, ok. But do you want to have one more look for yourself just to be sure that they're really broken and that she doesn't just have her shoes on the wrong goddamned feet?"
During one of my 24 hr ambulance shifts for EMT basic training we got a call to a Big Lots for a laceration on a finger. It was essentially a paper cut from a rough edge of a chipped candle. I got to practice my EMT skills by applying direct pressure to a non-bleeding index finger, even got to put a bandaid on it.
The girl was acting like she could not look at her finger and was going to pass out from all the blood. The gauze strip I held on her finger didn't even have a spot.
Don't worry, she sued. (seriously she did)
A mother called 911 because her son spilled at bottle of Tide soap and was walking in it. She even called poison control before she called 911 and poison control told her there would be no side effects. The only advantage was the whole house smelled like lavender.
Firefighter and 911 Dispatcher here.
Once as a dispatcher, took a call for suspicious activity. What was suspicious? There was a bicycle in the front yard of her neighbor's home. She told me, "I've never seen a bike there before and it just seems weird". We didn't even bother to dispatch that one...
Paged at 3 am for an ill person, so I'm already tired and being sent to something vague isn't what I want. Arrive on scene and walk to the front door. Middle aged guy opens the door and looks absolutely terrified. He rushes us in and we ask what's going on. He replies,
"I have the hiccups."
Partner and I are exhausted from a rough 24 hour shift and we are incredibly confused. We ask him to clarify and he explains that in his 40-odd years of life, he's never had a case of the hiccups and is absolutely positive his life is in danger. We do our assessment and then explain that its normal and really doesn't require the ER, much less us. He demands that we take him to the ER, so we oblige. When I called in the report, the hospital asked me to repeat the chief complaint 3 times. We were kicked to triage the second we walked in by some very annoyed nurses. Luckily they understand that we cannot refuse transport if the patient has a complaint and wants to go. Dude was absolutely fine.
My husband was a cop.
He got called out to an active domestic one night about 2 in the morning. Gets on scene. Guy comes out and says his girlfriend assaulted him with a weapon.
Turns out she threw a Hot Pocket at him.
Responded to a medical alarm (i.e. Life Alert) activation, with the patient not responding to the dispatcher's questions. Turns out it was an old lady who wanted someone to fix her TV.
You're goddamn right we fixed it.
I was once dispatched to a woman who needed a Band-Aid, she had no working lights in her house so she didn't want to get up and look for a Band-Aid.
If you've spent any amount of time on the internet in the past year or two, you've heard someone be described as a "Karen." The slang term originated in the black community as a way to jokingly describe a particular type of entitled white woman with a bad haircut and a tendency to write negative Yelp reviews. It's not actually about women literally named "Karen," although there is likely to be a some overlap.
Dictionary.com sums it up well:
Karen is a mocking slang term for an entitled, obnoxious, middle-aged white woman. Especially as featured in memes, Karen is generally stereotyped as having a blonde bob haircut, asking to speak to retail and restaurant managers to voice complaints or make demands, and being a nagging, often divorced mother from Generation X.
Julie's question received an enormous number of responses, many of them roasting her for her very "Karen-esque" sense of entitlement. But many people were also generous enough to take the time to point out exactly why "Karen" is not a slur, and calling it a slur merely proves why the term exists in the first place.
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12.) A REAL LIFE Karen weighs in:
And it led to this hilarious exchange:
Karen for President of Karens!
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— Guy Faux (@Faux_Guy_) April 5, 2020
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This is every Karen. pic.twitter.com/mbFuTDkJrt
— beth, a toxic (@bourgeoisalien) April 5, 2020
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won't somebody please think of the karens pic.twitter.com/aafDHwwtxL
— your rodent girlfriend (@rat_liker) April 5, 2020
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It's time for an important lesson.
1. Never lend a cousin $10,000 AND
2. If you were the cousin lucky enough to score $10,000, never post on social media bragging about buying a Burberry coat.
KiaraPooh asked Reddit, "[Am I The A**hole] for commenting on my cousin's social media that she's not as affluent as she's purporting to be, because she can't even pay back the loan she owes me?"
The situation sucks for her, but is a juicy family drama for us.
She wrote:
Two years ago my cousin's dog was diagnosed with a life threatening medical condition. The veterinary bill eclipsed $10,000 AUD. My cousin didn't have the necessary funds, and for whatever reason ended up in my house begging and pleading for a loan.
I should mention here that I'm not rich by any means. Rather, it's the fact that I'm the only person in our family that (1) has a steady job and (2) has no major expenses. My partner and I lived frugally for a long time to save up an emergency fund. The loan came out of these funds.
The loan agreement is simple: $10,000 over a maximum duration of five years, paid monthly, and accruing interest rate pegged to my mortgage offset account's interest rate. There is no 'formal' contract per se (though one most likely exists at common law). But there is an understanding that she will pay the loan back as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, collecting money from my cousin has been like drawing blood from a stone. My cousin is a low income earner. Which would be fine - especially because she lives at home and has no major expenses. But she also spends way beyond her means: luxury designer items, exorbitant holidays abroad, etc. Things she has no business purchasing on her income.
To put it in perspective, my cousin has had more late payments than ones paid on time. To date, she's currently three months in arrears (~ $500 AUD). It isn't much, I know. But it's the mere fact that I have to continually chase her up that annoys the hell out of me.
So when I saw her bragging about a new Burberry coat on her social media, I couldn't help but leave a comment to the effect of: "You can't afford a Burberry coat. You can't even afford to pay me back for your dog's surgery."
By the time my cousin noticed my comment, enough people were talking about it. My cousin called me up infuriated that I would out her dirty laundry. But, honestly, I'm at my wit's end. I just want her to stick to our agreement.
AITA?
People in the Reddit Court of Public Opinion applauded OP's shade and called the cousin the a**hole.
"You may have given her the best lesson of her life because if she continues like this, she will have some very serious financial problems (if she doesn’t already have them)," Looking-for-advice30 commented. "You have already come to her aid and now, she, a person on low income, is buying Burberry coats while she neglects her loans? WTF. Clearly you have failed to convey this same message in the past in private so you gave her a very efficient shock factor. Good for you and do not back up."
Niellsss, on the other hand, ruled that "Everybody Sucks Here."
"Your cousin sucks for not paying you back as agreed, and you suck for airing dirty laundry on social media. I suggest reminding her of her agreement, and maybe suggest that if there are more delays, you can make the debt she owes more 'official," they wrote.
If the social media shaming didn't work, there's always small claims court. Those courtroom TikToks would be sure to get a lot of likes.
In a overpopulated city that thrives on close quarters, crash-pad real estate, a gig economy and an active nightlife scene, shutting down the city and forcing people to stay inside was a serious challenge. Many people in New York City barely live in their apartments--constantly running around from one job and event to the next. Brushing shoulders or feeling someone breathe on the back of your neck on public transportation is an every day occurance that makes standing six feet apart from people is nearly impossible. However, social distancing is our best chance to flatten the curve and New Yorkers are doing their best to stay home and support essential workers.
We all know by now that nurses, doctors, deliverypeople, grocery store clerks, and other essential workers who risk their lives to go to work in this pandemic are superheroes. But even just getting out of bed every day during a global pandemic counts as a superpower. Whether you're a parent stuck at home with kids, a single person quarantined in isolation, a married person quarantined with your spouse, struggling with financial problems, coping with mental or physical health issues, or simply just trying to restock your toilet paper, this crisis has forced all of us to tap in to our latent supernatural abilities just to get through another day.
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#MyQuarantineSuperPower is dressing my husband in drag in his sleep. 🤣🤣pic.twitter.com/egNzOhy5v0
— Brandy Buckner (@BartolBuckner) April 6, 2020
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I can now wipe down groceries and take out items with Clorox wipes with the speed & efficiency of a nascar pit crew.#MyQuarantineSuperPowerpic.twitter.com/bpaSwf6wRs
— SoccerATL&Stuff (@atlutd4life) April 6, 2020
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#MyQuarantineSuperPower is being an introvert
— 🥀ꪑꪊꪀꪖ🇨🇦 (@MunaNawabit1) April 6, 2020
pic.twitter.com/OLo7MLeh1c
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#MyQuarantineSuperPower I havent showered in a week but still smell ok. pic.twitter.com/Yxn38IhPZ5
— Kipe Lyan (@KipeLyan) April 6, 2020
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By merit of their job, truck drivers are always on a road trip, often crashing out in truck stop parking lots before resuming week long journeys. In most cases, nights on the job are relatively uneventful, but when creepy times rain down, it pours.
In a popular Reddit thread, truck drivers share the scariest experiences they've had while spending the night in a parking lot, and these could go into a book of scary campfire stories.
1. From Dingers-N-Stingers:
I used to haul saltwater off of well sites in Oklahoma on the night shift. I was standing at the rear of my trailer as I was loading out in BFE somewhere when I heard gravel crunching like someone was walking towards me. Got that feeling where you feel you're being watched. Stepped around the trailer towards the sound and shined my flashlight at a cow licking the side of my trailer.
Pulled over for a break on the way to Melbourne from Sydney at a truck stop. No street lights or anything, pitch black. No other trucks or cars at the stop. I turn off my lights. I switch the truck off. Do the curtains. Lock the truck from both sides. Jump into bed. set my alarm and set my phone above me in the compartment. I was rolling over from side to side for around 5 - 10 mins, I couldn't get to sleep due to it being prime summer temperatures; reaching around 30 degrees at night. I'm looking up at the ceiling mentally planning out the day ahead, suddenly the passenger side door opens up slightly, cabin light turns on.
What the f*ck.
Now, the truck is fairly a late model and in pristine condition so there's no question about door being faulty or anything. I just sat there for what felt like eternity expecting someone to come up and see me sitting there with the solid rod in my hand that we use for tightening belts.
No one came up, nor was there any noise at all. Just quiet, eerie silence.
I grabbed my torch, and jumped down, walked around the truck. No other trucks were around. Nor were there any cars. It was just me and my fully loaded b double. After around 5 - 10 minutes of getting f*cked around with, I locked up and went to bed again.
Woke up next morning, yawned, fixed myself up along with the bed. Opened the curtains, and fml there's a cemetery next to the stop where I parked. Hunger and laziness all escaped upon realization, grabbed keys, f*ck putting shoes on, f*ck putting pants on, switched truck on and the just got the f*ck outta there asap.
Back when my dad was a truck driver he stopped to sleep in a lot one night. The guy he leased his truck from happened to see him parked there and in the morning when my dad went to the restroom this guy used a spare key and hide in the sleeper.
Once my dad was on starting to leave the guy reached out and grabbed him. My dad said he freaked out so he just bailed out of the truck. It was moving around 5 mph.
Two stories, maybe not winners but creepy overnight parking for sure.
I was really new to the business and had parked at a stop in Texas en route from one place to another. It was August. There was nothing unusual about this situation. I was in the middle of a parking lot with 70-odd other trucks.
I woke up with a start six hours later to the truck shaking and rolling, hellacious noise all around, and a psychedelic light show blasting me from every direction.
It was a severe thunderstorm that I'd had no idea was coming. Wind, pounding rain, thunder, and lightning to beat hell. Being in a truck during a storm is closer to being in a tent than in a house. I'd never experienced it before, and even though I grew up with this kind of severe weather, I lay there in this tossing, heaving sensory party going, "I don't even know where I'd go right now to get safe if I had to...Hell, I don't even know how to find out if this is severe or regular or a tornado!"
I was really tired the next morning.
2) I parked for the night somewhere in southwest Michigan, on the way to Grand Rapids. Again, a truck stop full of trucks. Shut down and went to bed.
I woke up looking at one of the cabin lights, which was on. I think, "fell asleep with the lights on again genius--" then freeze. The light I'm looking at only comes on if you deliberately turn it on, which I never did, or if the door is open. Just then I felt the slight roll of the cab that's telltale whenever someone is climbing up.
I wish I had some heroic Rambo sh*t I could claim I did, but I can't. I yelled.
Now, I can make myself heard in very loud environments pretty easily, and this was the dead of a quiet night...and I yelled, "GET OUT!" loud enough to send Legion into the Gerasene pigs.
There was a frenzied scrambling and the truck rocked some more. Then I hear a very small woman's voice, "I'm sorry! I got the wrong truck!" Nothing from me for a second, then, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just get the f*ck out of here!"
Moral of that story: lock your doors. (She was either a driver or a prostitute, and it doesn't matter because, either way, she got the wrong truck.)
Have a Trucker story from the extended family. An Uncle used to drive a lot and he always came back with the most weirdest stories ever.
While every family member knew his stories there was one story, he told and warned about. Even to me when I was 6 or so. Moral of the story is to never stay during night in the desert alone.
It seems, once he drove to Chile, he had a contract and the way there was ok. (I made the travel myself later in life it's beautiful). Whenever he was done he usually spent a few bucks on booze, but this time due to a family gathering he wanted to come back as soon as possible. So instead of drinking in some bar, he decided to sleep a bit at the Atacama desert. Well, it's a desert, and he had parked way outside the road and a few miles before the next village. He sleeps and wakes up on someone singing.
He is confused and thinks it's the radio but the radio is not on. Then the singing stops and it sounds more like a scream of help. That's when he wants to get out and help, but still he is confused. He said, he started the motor and the lights, to see where and who was there, he also did open the window a bit and yelled asking what happened.
It was nothing, and right then when he decides to get out anyway, he catches a movement in the corner of where the lights end. It looked like a woman but the face was pitch dark.
He freaks out and drives away, Non stop until he reached home.
Whatever he saw or thought he saw, every time he told the story his face went pale. Even my Grandmother commented how he was usually a very jolly guy but whatever happened in the Atacama desert freaked him totally out.
Like most people here this didn't happen to me. One of my good friends from middle school had a step-father who was a truck driver for a good amount of time. He was a tough son of a b*tch, I never saw him not look like he could kill someone. Except one time, when he told us why he stopped driving trucks. He was on a long trip from somewhere down in Texas to Boise Idaho. By the time he hit the free way close to Boise he had already been up for 24 hours, either way I don't believe he could have seen this coming.
Outside of Boise he was driving, late at night at the fastest legal speed when out of no where he sees someone sit straight up in the middle of the road. He didn't have enough time to even hit the brakes, not that it would have helped. She was decapitated on the spot. He later found out she was tweaked out. I don't think even if he wasn't sleep deprived he would have seen her lying in the road. From what the police could gather, she walked out there, sat down and eventually fell asleep in the road. No one knows who she was, or how she got that far out.
One of my trucker friends has a story about spending the night alone in a rural stop in the middle of a Maine winter. She had a bit of an uneasy feeling about the place but couldn't put her finger on anything and needed badly to rest, so she stayed. Perfect Stephen King setup, right?
She's usually a very solid sleeper, but wakes up around 3 am that night. She's not quite sure what woke her up, until she notices that the cab is very slowly and gently rocking side-to-side. She can also hear an intermittent, soft sort of rubbing sound that corresponds with the rocking. She was a seasoned trucker already at this point, but really wasn't sure what this was, and all the ideas that came to mind ranged from the mundane but alarmingly unsavory to the outright paranormal. Terrified, she creeps up to look in the side view mirror to see what's out there.
Turns out some moose like to lick the road salt off of semi-trucks.
I was driving the 93 highway in Nevada late at night one time. It was a lonely stretch of pavement so I wasn't worried about cops bothering me if I slept on the side of the road when I ran out of time, though when I pulled over to get some rest a couple minutes later a car pulled up behind me. I was driving alone for most of the night so this guy must've been driving pretty fast.
He had his high beams on and I was a little worried he might get out and ask for help or try soliciting sex from me or something bizarre. Anyhow, I kept my eyes on my mirrors in case he tried anything, but eventually I was pretty sleepy so I tied the seatbelts to the doors so I'd get alerted if that guy tried breaking into my truck. As an extra security measure I went to bed with a tire thumper on hand. In the morning he was gone, and while I pre-tripped I checked extra carefully, but found nothing out of the ordinary. A little odd, but who knows, maybe he was ready for sleep too and thought being near an 18 wheeler was safer than being alone.
Another time late at night, I pulled into this dimly lit, lonely truck stop somewhere in the south, I want to say Alabama. It was raining too, and right before I went to bed I was on my phone sh*tposting then heard a knock on my door. I always hate when someone knocks on my door, it surprises me every time, this time especially because it was late and no one was parked near me. I lowered my window and see this middle-aged man, he's holding up a driver's license saying how he needs help because his rig broke down.
Now this truck stop was right off the freeway so the only thing between it and the road was a ditch and a line of trees. That wasn't a long walk away, but I wasn't eager to step outside in that weather and also because it was dark. He asked specifically for cash, but I only carried around my card so I told him I couldn't help him. He said fine and went off to bother some other guy. If he was still around by the morning I'd help him out I decided but no one who had a broken truck was around and when I asked cashiers they didn't see anyone come in asking for help. I think I might've avoided being mugged or getting murdered. But otherwise nothing too unusual.
After reading through a majority of the comments on this thread, my curiosity was peaked and I called my mom up to ask her if my great-grandfather, a trucker during the 60's, had ever told her a creepy story of being on the road. To my surprise, she said there was one story he told her as a cautionary tale. It's not about parking overnight somewhere, but I thought it might fit in here just the same.
He said he was driving through somewhere pretty rural- a small town with a few houses here and there. As he was making his way down the road, he saw a large cardboard box tumble down a hill and come to a stop pretty much directly in his path on the road. It was too late for him to brake, but why would he? It's just a cardboard box, it's not like it would hurt his truck if he ran over it, so he kept chugging forward.
At nearly the last second, he said something came over him and he immediately swerved to the right to avoid hitting the box. When he looked in his rearview mirror, he saw two little kids scramble out of the box and back up the hill. It's amazing what little kids in a small town will do for fun.
I still feel sick to my stomach after hearing my mom tell that story.
My father in law is a trucker in Australia. He told me a story of one night, in the middle of outback, not a soul in site and hundreds of km's between towns (Australia is huge, especially on the west coast where we are), pitch black night - a tire blows out. He pulls the the shoulder and starts the task of changing.
Feeling uneasy, he keeps looking over his shoulders. Something isn't right. Working fast, telling himself to stop being a scared cat. Then, all of a sudden a hand lands on his shoulder... 'hey there mate, you have a spare smoke?' - an Aboriginal man has wandered up to him like it was a normal thing. In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night. He says, 'no mate, I don't smoke' - so the man just walks away into the darkness. He reckons he aged about 20 years that night.
All the time... the worst might have been an incident that happened a while back in Indiana.
I was just parked for a 34 hour reset (means you can't drive for 34 hours so you can get a full 70 hours of driving back, it's the hours of service that allows us to drive and counts our hours) just outside of Chicago. Now for all you non truck drivers, right out of Chicago in Indiana is probably the 1st place you learn about not stopping if you can. Drug dealers, lot lizards (prostitutes) theft.. the whole 9. I didn't have a choice.
I had nothing left at all for hours...so I sat. That night I heard someone messing with my truck in the back. I sat in my truck while I heard this continue for 2 hours. I would much rather deal with it in the morning than go out to see what's going on and getting robbed at weapon-point. Woke up the following morning to see my fifth wheel handle pulled (means if I drove I would have unintentionally dropped my trailer I had attached) and my gladhands (the lines that connect my truck to my trailer that provide me with braking capabilities) completely missing.. worst of all they undid my freaking catwalk like savages and ran off with it.
I was driving overnight in a very low populated area. Due to circumstances i was seriously sleep deprived. Driving in a poorly lit stretch of woods, my headlights started to cast shadows through the rails on the side of the road and started playing on the trees on either side. It looked and felt like I was driving across an ocean.
And then the hallucinations started. When you are seriously sleep deprived, you'll start to see shadows flicking across the edges of your field of vision. Shadowy figures started appearing in the "water" next to the road, swimming alongside me. They looked like monstrous mermaids, jumping in and out of the water.
The dutch roads are notorious for having very few truck stops that actually have space for a real truck. So I drove for another hour taunted by these figures.
First truck stop I pull into and ready myself for a nap. I wake up a couple of hours later and one of the figures was in the cab with me, looking at me. I freeze, terrified for my life. I couldn't move until I calmed down enough to start noticing that while it seems to be moving and breathing, it doesn't seem to move that much.
And then I realized it was my coat, slung across the seat.
Panic subsided and I used the adrenaline rush to drive the two more hours I had to go.
Other time, less spooky but creepy enough, a truck stop I was parked at was infested with lot lizards. I had already seen some of the less lizardy types get into trucks. I was reading a book when suddenly I hear my handle of the passenger door being pulled. It was locked, luckily, but that didn't stop the unseen puller to try and try to open it.
It stops for a second and I suddenly feel the cab swinging a bit like someone was on the ladder. Up comes this horrible visage of rotting, missing teeth with a balding head and so much eye liner it could be called face liner. She mimes giving me a blowjob, but I refuse. She jumps off and I see her storming off, furious about something. Most of the other truckers were laughing at me. She was well known amongst the local truckers for her "wiles".
Also not a trucker, but have a spooky story. About 3-4 years ago, my dad and I took a 25-hour journey from Southern California to McAllen, Texas (Mexas, as some call it). This was late November. Around 5-6PM (still plenty light outside), this white car that appeared to be fresh off the lot (no numbers on the plate, just the dealership plates) starts pulling in front of us repeatedly, and cutting us off amidst the freeway traffic.
The windows were heavily tinted so you couldn't see who was inside. It was pretty irritating and they continued to do this, so we sped up and eventually lost them. It began growing dark outside, I was tired, and I fell asleep as my dad continued driving. At this point the freeway was empty, we had passed the major cities in Texas. There was nobody else on the road.
I woke up at about 1:30 AM because I could feel our car alternately speeding the FUCK up, and slowing down. I sat up and rubbed eyes and noticed we were alone on the freeway, wait, holy SHIT - was that the SAME white car behind us? I look at my dad who didn't say a word, but continued driving very seriously.
My dads a very confident driver, macho man type guy. We were going up to 110 MPH, this white car would match our speed, then quickly switch lanes and pull right in front of us, over and over again. When we'd slow down, they'd slow down. When we sped up, so did they. This is some pretty scary shit when you're in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. Obviously I'm panicking (I was 19), like WHATS HAPPENING?? ARE WE GOING TO BE OKAY?? "I don't know what they're trying to do. It's like a game of cat and mouse," my dad says. I guess this has been going on for at least 30 minutes. So my dad decides to end this once and for all.
He starts GUNNING it WAYYYY fast, close to 117-120 MPH until they're out of sight. Which works. He takes the closest exit, pulls off the road (we went under an underpass), he switches off the lights, kills the engine, takes a gun out of his center console, gets out of his car, and just stands there. My dad is a VERY calm, stoic man (ex-cop) who never shows emotion. I was convinced we were both going to die, or I was going to be brutally kidnapped by the cartel or something.
About two minutes later, slowly, slowly, I hear gravel beneath wheels, my heart FREEZES, and I see the white car, eerily slow, exit the freeway, and turn the corner in the road, towards us. The lights shine directly on us, under the overpass, illuminating my dad, firmly positioned, both hands on his gun, pointed DIRECTLY at them. They just passed us, continued their slow drive down the road, towards the gas station.
We immediately turned the car around, went back to the freeway, BOOKED the hell out of the gas pedal, and never saw them again.
I used to drive truck in northern Manitoba. There's a road in the northeast you can drive for several hours and see very few vehicles. This road is quite flat and straight in stretches. Of course, this is deep in the bush. One day I saw something cross the road in the distance. Very large, easily past the hood on my truck. But not long, like a moose or elk. Just tall. It disappeared into the bush and as I drove by the spot the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
I heard days later a tow truck driver describing on the radio his encounter with a similar creature, only he was much more clear he had spotted Bigfoot. This guy went to some length to explain he didn't want people thinking he was crazy. But he was sure what he saw. I asked an aboriginal client of mine in a nearby community and he said the Elders spoke of them as commonly the same way they spoke of the other animals.
I don't know what I saw that day but I'm certain it wasn't a bear, moose, deer or elk. I just don't know what the hell it was.
My brother was a truck driver in the 90s/early 2000s. He just told me this story a few months ago. He was driving through Pennsylvania on way back to NJ. He pulled over the side of the road behind 2 other trailers. In the early morning, he heard someone bang on his right door, he quickly jumps from the sleeping compartment and grabs his bat. As he looks out the window, there's no one there but now there's a bang on the left side.
Freaked out he looks out that window and there's nothing but silence now. He's trying to figure out wtf is going on, seconds later banging on both doors simultaneously. He said the banging was so loud and heavy the truck was shaking. Both curtains open, he can see there's no one out there. He quickly jumps in the driver's seat and starts the truck, he sees the other 2 trucks ahead of him do the same. He said he felt as if they all had experienced the same thing.
This is more of a creepy then funny thing. I was driving in a team truck and I would drive the night shift. It was about 1 AM and I was listening to Art Bell on Sirius/XM. Now I am the biggest skeptic on the planet, but I also love a good spooky story, so I always enjoyed listening to his show during the short time he was on there.
I am rolling along on I 40, no traffic, everything going smooth and these guys on the radio are talking about taking digital recorders to cemeteries and recording voices of the dead. A lot of the voices were supposed to be children begging for help. It was seriously creeping me out. All of a sudden the biggest f*cking skunk I have ever seen appears in my head lights. I screamed like a little girl.
I hit it, cant swerve the truck for animals, because you can roll the rig too easily. My co-driver was woken up by the scream and came out of the sleeper to see what had happened. Then the smell hit. I had had the AC on just fan with outside air because it was cool out and that skunk odor filled the cab. We had to pull over to the shoulder and get out to get fresh air. That truck smelled like a skunk for weeks.
NSFW:
Not a trucker but worked with lots
Worst story I heard was a guy who parked up in a layby for a few hours sleep. Was awoken by banging on the cab, so came up front and opened the curtains to see a guy stood in front. As soon as the guy saw him he got his dick out and started wanking in front of the cab. He didn't stop until the driver got out of the cab and literally chased him off.
Thinking he might come back the driver moved his truck a few miles down the road and went back to sleep. Only to be woken up by the same guy doing the same thing a few hours later. Phoned the police the second time and the guy got in a car and drove off.
I've parked in a few less than desirable places. The first was next to P&G in Kansas City on the edge of the ghetto. Nothing happened but it was still freaky at the time because I was fairly new. Yes, I've had a couple bums/lot lizards knock on my truck but if you stay quiet they just move on. I've heard random bumps in the night but never really worried about it. I heard a story about a police officer in Chicago or NY making a trucker move his truck so he didn't have to deal with a homicide in the morning.
My Grandad was a truck driver in Korea when he was in the army post WW2. Every night driving down a supply road a certain tree would bang on his roof. He got sick of it so stopped the truck to climb up and cut the hanging branches. He shone the torch up all on his own on a dark road...and it was legs. Traitors were hung there apparently. He only drove the route at night so didn't see.
ITT: Mostly replies from non-truckers. I am a trucker, based in Canada. Was crossing border through Detroit, got pulled in for inspection. Flashing police lights, mega-phone instructions, police escort. Had a load of 'Tubes', I pictured pipes of some kind. Turns out it was a load of old cathode-ray picture tubes for recycling. They give off faint radiation and tripped the sensors.
Spent 4 hours in a cinder block room without my phone or passport. Finally released, almost out of hours of service, pulled into the first truck stop I could find. They told me they charged 10 bucks to park there. This is almost unheard of, most truck stops want you there because you're going to spend money. They explained it was because it was a gated yard with a security guard watching your ass overnight against the rampant crime in the area. Ahh Detroit. Also rolled past Gary, Indiana which is infamous for murdering truck drivers. Glad to be Canada-only now.
If you're spending your days wandering around your house, re-watching shows and movies you've seen a thousand times and wanting to set your phone on fire every time you see a news alert about the state of the world, you're not alone. It's an incredibly stressful time right now for everyone, but we all need to do our part in social distancing in order to stop the spread of COVID-19.
Of course, it might seem like everything you read or watch on the news is telling us that we're all doomed, there are still a lot of good things happening in the world! Virtual birthday parties, newborn babies meeting their grandparents through windows, and socially-distant weddings in the street are only a few of the ways that people are adjusting to celebrating big moments in quarantine.
So, when Sarah Parcak asked Twitter to share nice things that happened to them recently, people were ready to spread the joy!
Most people aren't exactly suave or clever when approaching someone they are trying to seduce. But nothing tanks a potential romance faster than a bad, cheesy or overtly sexual pickup line. So be warned gentlemen, and a few ladies: when trying to use your words to woo a stranger, choose those words carefully. Someone asked Reddit: "what is the worst pick up line that you have heard/used?"
1.) From Franka035:
My friend said he had great pick up line. It was "are you my toe? Cause I wanna bang you against a furniture at my place". My other friend, already wasted, insisted that he would try it on a hot girl at a bar. We followed him as he approached and said:
"Hey are you my toe?... Cause... you look... like my toe..."
That was probably the worst I've heard.
2.) From smolkitten96:
"Those glasses make you look like a pornstar"
When I was visibly had a wtf look he then panicked and said
"No no I meant they'd make me look like a pornstar" then stole them off my face and put them on like see??
I did not see, because funnily enough I couldn't see without my glasses.
3.) From HamTheSam1234:
are you a bank loan? cause you got my interest
4.) From Los_Estupidos:
"Damn girl you shit with that ass?"
5.) From CarlJibbs:
No shit, about 12 years ago, a buddy and I sat down at a dive bar. He looked at the chick next to him and just said "Wanna bang?".
She looked him up and down briefly and went "Yea...alright, let me finish this beer first."
It was impressive and disgusting.
6.) From redghostplanet:
"You know that dress you're wearing would look even better laying on the floor next to my bed" said to me on the early 80's
7.) From ouchmypeeburns:
"I'd break every chair in the world just to have you sit on my face."
8.) From sugar-soad:
"Are ya moist" Friend of a friend used it on a girl
9.) From RonAugratin:
Hey baby, fuck or fight?
She broke my nose before I finished the sentence.
10.) From MontagueorCapulet:
You've got two hands but 3 holes so cover up the two you don't want me in
11.) From DeepRoot:
I was at a concert and I overheard a girl ask a guy, "Hey, can I borrow your lighter?" "Sure, here you go. Can I borrow your number?" "Sure, here you go." That shit actually worked?!?!?
12.) From areeyeteeeyekay:
Roses are red Tires are black When I think about you I touch my ball sack
13.) From flipping_birds:
You look just like my sister.
14.) From Sirpent12:
Are you a medium rare steak. Cause Id eat you even if you were bleeding
15.) From Dysteech:
My friend was once hit with:
Do you work at Subway? Because I’m pretty sure you gave me a $5 footlong.
16.) From ladyjanitor:
Used on me by another female:
Walked up to me pulled her jeans pockets out and then asked “ would you like to kiss a bunny on its nose”?
17.) From clappedgamer69:
You can call me Shrek because I'm head ogre heels in love with you.
18.) From SilentSamamander:
I had a friend who went up to a girl in a bar and asked "did you just sit in a puddle, or are you pleased to see me?"
19.) From EmGray13:
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
I would never. EVER. Use this.
20.) From MaxLovesPizzaRolls:
"max, you're like a jar of nutella, cause you're thick and i'm tryna spread it.
we're both guys, and he knows i'm not gay.
21.) From thinwhiteheroine:
I'm a woman. when I see a guy with a cool shirt I say nice tits as an opener.
22.) From chronicfornicators:
Your pants are like a mirror, I can see myself in them!
23.) From GrammatonYHWH:
One of my mates in uni actually pulled on Tinder by telling a girl: Are you a dragon? Cuz I'd slay you.
Then again, he was super attractive. He could've told her she had better tits than her sister, and he still would've seen some action. Guy was drowning in Tinder matches.
24.) From mike_e_mcgee:
I once asked a girl "Did it hurt?" and she gave me a seriously scornful look, expecting me to follow up with the old "when you fell from heaven". I followed up with "when you burst through the Earth's crust as you ascended from hell you contemptible harpy?"
She was not interested, but I did get a chuckle out of her.
25.) From PeterG1996:
Are you Abraham Lincoln?
Because you’re causing an uprising down south .
Dating apps aren't just cesspools of nasty pickup lines... sometimes people open with standard greetings before going into the nasty pickup line.
These Tinder coversations are the hilarious definition of going from 0 to 100 real quick.
1. Strangers waiting...
17. Smooth like butter.
Being alive is a slow motion parade of humiliation, but some embarrassing moments stain out memories more than others.
Some embarrassing stories are so cringe-inducing we have to let them cool off for months, even years, before we're able to regale them without weeping or puking out of sheer humiliation.
Luckily, the most painful and cringe-inducing embarrassing stories eventually become the happy hour staples, the best anecdotes to make a room of people laugh (or currently, a Zoom room of people laugh).
In a popular Reddit thread, people jumped on to share their most embarrassing stories, and you should be warned many of these are graphic.
My story:
When I was 13 a doctor wrote me an adult dose for a certain medicine based on my weight. I was a fat kid. Our body does not work that way and the medicine ended up constipating me...for a month. I did not sh*t for a whole month. I got sick. I had racoon-like eyes, my stomach would jump or flutter by itself, I had cramps, etc. It was bad. I was miserable.
I finally told my parents how long it had been since i had shit and they freaked out and took me to the hospital. There, they gave 3 enemas back to back. After the third and final one, all that water softened all that shit up just enough i could expel it. I ran to the nearest bathroom, gown open in the back, and tried to make it to the toilet.
I didn't.
My a*s was hovering at a 45 degree angle above the toilet when the geyser burst. This next part is not a lie, but i know some of you will think it is, I got sh*t everywhere. On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, even the sink got hit with some spray. Sh*t was literally, yes literally, sprayed on all walls and ceiling. It was everywhere.
I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best * could and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up, I needed a janitor. So I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom need a clean up and badly.
A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason so I saw him go by to clean it, but he did not know who I was, he got to the bathroom and the whole ER heard, "Oh Hell no, I ain't cleaning this up. I quit." and he did.
I felt so bad, still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a sh*t-caked bathroom.
My most embarassing moment happened while I was working at a camp for the summer. I was a camp runner, meaning that I was the guy that drove into town for whatever reason. At night I'd sleep in a room with about 10 other guys, and the bathrooms were big and always busy, so I was completely abstinent nearly the entire summer.
So one day I got a call that I had to pick up a camper girl who had been bitten by a spider and take her to urgent care. It was policy that if I was driving a camper of the opposite sex somewhere, there had to be another adult (18+) of the opposite sex riding with us. The other adult that came with us was this cute girl that I had had a few conversations with prior. I was somewhat sleep-deprived at the time, and she knew this, so as she had her camp driving clearance and knew the way to the urgent care, she offered to drive, and I accepted.
The camp was in the middle of nowhere, so the ride to the urgent care was pretty long. In that time I fell asleep. I woke up with my dick hard as a rock and the head of it poking out of the leg of my shorts. Before I was able to get my bearings, I felt a surge of pressure and proceeded to ejaculate onto the glove compartment door.
Immediately I heard both a shriek and a girl yell, "oh God! Holy sh*t no!" I turned and looked at both girls. Both of them had obviously seen what happened and both of their faces were like beet red. The car was absolutely silent for the next 10 minutes apart from the sounds of me attempting to wipe up my semen with an old McDonald's bag. Finally we reached the urgent care, and I dropped them off.
After talking with the girl that drove the next day, I had apparently been hard for like 10 minutes. Both of them were fully aware of it, but both were too embarrassed to wake me up. That was the worst.
tl;dr - Worked at camp. In car with two girls I barely knew. Had wet dream. Ejaculated on glove compartment.
I was 15 and I was at Sam's Club with my parents. I was in the video game section playing some demo on a PS2. I felt like I needed to fart, so I pushed a little. It felt like I had let a silent one out, because I didn't hear it, and it smelled terrible about 2 seconds afterwards, per usual. About 30 seconds later, the smell is still lingering and I was just proud that I had caused that much damage to the air.
My sister [7] comes up to me and asks where I got the chocolate milk, and how I spilled it on my leg. I look down, there's liquid feces on my right leg (was wearing blue Nike shorts and boxers.) I'm terrified. I have poo on my leg. I casually walk to the bathroom.
Here comes the embarrassing part: I'm in the stall, cleaning up my leg, trying to figure out what the hell to do with my boxers, which are covered in poo water. I can't keep them - the car will smell on the ride home. I can't leave them in the stall - there were people waiting. I had to flush them. Well - apparently boxers don't flush well. Toilet backed up, flooding the entire stall and spreading to the rest of the bathroom. I'm freaking out, but I'm clean - I got most of the poo off my leg. A janitor has entered the restroom, and I exit the offending stall. He asks what happened, and I can't speak. I should have, because the boxers were still in the toilet - clearly visible. I just casually walk out.
MEANWHILE... my parents were ready to leave, and couldn't find me. They aren't super hover parents, but they got worried, because I wasn't in the video game section, or the candy section. This ordeal was going on 10ish minutes long. Apparently my sister told them that I walked towards the bathroom with an older man. So, my parents are assuming the worst, and get the security and management involved.
Back to the bathroom. I'm trying to walk out, the janitor finds the boxers and is all huffy-puffy. The manager is walking down the hallway towards the bathroom to try and handle the "missing child with old man" situation. I'm trying to leave the bathroom to handle the "holy sh*t, I just poo'd my pants and clogged the toiled with my boxers" situation.
Manager stops me, asks me if I was in any type of "situation" and I don't know how to answer. I tell him "there was an incident in the restroom." He takes that as something happened to me with "the old man" I was apparently stolen by. He radios the security to contact the police and to have them head towards the restrooms. I freak out - I didn't think flushing my underwear warranted the police getting involved.
My parents get to me - ask if I'm "OK." I'm too embarrassed to tell them what happened (still without knowing what their perception of the matter was.) I said "I'm fine." Security is rushing over, asking me if "he's still in there" I have no idea what they are talking about. They ask me what happened. There is a gathering of rubber-neckers - trying to see what is going on. I'm really confused why this is a huge deal. I confess. I tell them that I mud-butted down my leg, and tried to flush my underwear down the toilet, clogging it in the process.
The looks I got. Worst part was, the police were there in like 5 minutes, and I had to tell them exactly what happened to me. After the "seriousness" of the situation wore off and everyone realized I wasn't molested by an old man, many laughs were had at my expense.
My father to this day still brings this up - family gatherings, at my wedding, holidays...
TL;DR - Liquid poo ran down my leg, my sister told my parents I was abducted by a molester, clogged toilet, had to tell police I sharted.
Got my wife an early birthday gift, smart phone, first ever for her. She'd been using some old indestructible Nokia forever, I wanted to bring her into the 21 century. Data, social networking, gps etc.
Her actual birthday rolls around, even though I got her the phone, I had nothing for the actual day. After morning out of bed ritual of shower and teeth brushing, I decide to sexy myself up. Oil all over me, tie and some shirt cuffs. [i am nude save be listed attire] (was going for chippendales dancer) Call her back, she is rolling in this, just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
Plot thickens: we go fishing, catch a few head home, filet and cook the fish truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone.
It's late now day is over wife is off to bed, I decide to stay up and play some video games on the pc.
Before she went to bed she was uploading pictures to facebook, fishing and the meal etc.
First image she uploads is my nude shot, thinking it was the prepared fish filets, now titled "Dinner Yum!!!"
Wife couldn't figure out how to delete this accidental post on the new phone. She screaming running through the whole house to the computer room where I am. Kicks me off forcefully, what I see is to my amazement. Me nude on facebook, already two comments. Post deleted. mission success... wrong
Post was deleted not the mobile upload photo to albums.
Needless to say 13 some odd hours later finding more comments of praise and family disgust, realize what has actually happened.
TL;DR wife got her first smart phone accidentally uploaded a photo of me nude to Facebook where it was viewed by everyone we know.
I sh*t my pants when I headed back to Iraq after 2 weeks R&R. Every time I went back to Iraq from the US, I'd have the worst diarrhea for about 2 weeks. This time was a bit different. After 3 weeks of liquid sh*t pouring out of my a*s, I decided to go to the military hospital in the Green Zone and see if they could help. I'm waiting in line with other people who have serious maladies and when my turn came I spoke to the waiting medics and told them about my problem.
They in turn announced to anyone in ear shot that I had a "poopie problem" and "Do you need some medicine because your butt hole hurts?" "P*ssy!" They continued to berate me for wasting their time as they had other serious injuries they needed to attend to and at this point everyone in the waiting room is having a good laugh at my expense. They finally gave me some Flagyl for my guts and some Imodium and told me to get the f*ck out of the hospital and not to come back again until I had a broken bone or gunshot wound for them to work on.
I gladly left and headed out the front door. I started to walk across the street from the hospital to the bus stop and had just put my right foot on the curb to step up from the street and I had to fart. I didn't think anything of it and let it rip. In an instant, what must have been a gallon of liquid shit rocketed out of my ass, down my pants, filled up my boots, and began pouring out onto the hot asphalt. Now here I am, right foot on the curb, left foot in the street, and frozen in horror in a really twisted Captain Morgan’s pose with sh*t leaking out of my pants. The bus pulls up to the bus stop and the Pakistani driver opens the door and in his Pakistani accent says, "Well come on buddy let's go!" I just turned and looked and him and said, "Nah man, please...please just leave."
He then proceeded to ask me why I was standing at a bus stop if I didn't want to get on the bus and how illogical that is, etc, etc, etc. He obviously couldn't see the humiliating situation I was in, but at this point, everybody on the bus was looking and they had a bird’s eye view. So now I'm arguing with the Pakistani driver, the rest of the soldiers on the bus are pointing, laughing, and taking pics. So I finally had enough and told the driver, "JUST PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE OK?!" So the driver gives me the finger and says "F*ck you a*shole!" closes the doors and the bus pulls away leaving me still frozen in my Captain Morgan’s pose with the liquid shit creating an ever growing pool around me.
The US embassy (where I stayed) is about a mile away so I suck it up and began walking the longest mile I'd ever walked in my life. It was easy to follow me along my journey because there was liquid shit squishing out of my boots with every step along the way. So I finally get to the US embassy and if you think the TSA and Homeland Security Nazis at the airport are tough to deal with, you've never been through an embassy checkpoint manned by Marines! Only 10 people are allowed into the checkpoint at a time.
Once inside, a heavy glass and steel door shuts and you have to take everything out of your bag to be x-rayed and searched. You then have to walk thru a metal detector and then get frisked. Once all 10 people have been processed, the exit door opens to this airlock-like room and you can proceed to the embassy grounds. So needless to say, I'm dreading this obstacle standing in the way between me and my trailer and ultimately showering all of this shit off me, but I knuckle down and get in line. Eventually I make it into the "airlock" search room and one of the Marines says "Damn! Who ripped one?!" I humbly raised my hand and told him that it was much worse and I'd "Had an accident."
He walks over to me from behind the counter and says "F*ck man! You're leaking sh*t all over the f*cking floor!" "What the f*ck dude?" "One of us has to clean this sh*t up you know!" "F*cking a*shole!" (2nd time I'd been called that in 30mins) So I apologized profusely while a couple of people are trying to politely conceal their dry heaving and ask the Marines if they could just please let me go on thru. They replied, "Oh f*ck no!" "Not gonna happen!" "You're gonna get searched just like everybody else f*ckin mc nasty." So the 2 of them approach me closer (while the other 9 people are watching this spectacle) and proceed to play rock-paper-scissors to find out who’s going to have to frisk my sh*tty a*s.
Rock ultimately triumphed over scissors and a very pissed off Marine donned surgical gloves and frisked me, but only after I walked thru the metal detector leaving a trail of shit behind me of course. After I was frisked and thoroughly searched, I had to wait for everyone else to be searched, etc. It took what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the door opens and I begin the last 400 yard walk to my trailer while passing people look at me with various expressions of laughter, sympathy, and disgust.
I finally make it to my trailer and was especially quiet as to not wake my room mate, but alas, I wasn't quiet enough and he woke up, sniffed, and said "Damn man, what's that smell?" "Did you sh*t yourself or something?" Now I know he said that half jokingly, but then he wiped the sleep out of his eyes and beheld the horror that had been the past hour of my life, leaking out onto the floor of our trailer. I just said, "Yeah man, I'll clean it up, but only after I shower if ya don't mind." He just shook his head and hacked a bit and then dry heaved a couple of times. I got in the shower fully dressed and proceeded to try and unfuck myself out of this very sticky and smelly situation. After rinsing all fouled clothing and myself repeatedly, I quickly mopped the floors, changed clothes, and bundled up my uniform into a plastic bag.
As I made my way to the dry cleaners, I tossed my boots into a dumpster as there was no way a mile's worth of squished in shit was ever going to rinse out. I also happened to notice bits of the sh*t trail I left along the way and this just added to my utter humiliation. I arrived at the dry cleaners to drop off my uniform and the clerk asked me, "Why are they wet?"
I told him that I had mistakenly put them in the wash a couple of days ago, but then removed them once I'd realized my mistake and the reason they smelled so bad was probably mildew since they'd sat in a plastic bag for so long. The Indian clerk replied in his Indian voice, "No my friend, that smells like sh*t." To which I replied, "Look man, can you just please f*cking take my clothes and dry clean them?!" "I'm having a real bad day." To which he replied, "Ok ok, friend, but don't be such an a*shole." Talk about a bad day in Baghdad...
EDIT: TL;DR: Sh*t myself in Baghdad, walked a mile in it, tracked sh*t thru US Embassy security, into my trailer past my roomie, showered fully clothed, and pawned off the sh*tty clothes on the dry cleaners.
Seventh grade Spanish test. It's all quiet in the room. I'm a long haired greasy socially awkward geek. I feel a sneeze coming on but decide to hold it back so as to not draw attention to myself. I try, but cannot contain the sneeze inside. It takes the path of least resistance out of my body- my completely stuffed-up nose.
The sound is incredible. The snot tent is amazing-fully formed spider web of snot between my desk and my face. The classroom turns to look at me and sit in stunned silence. After about ten seconds, the girl in front of me (the hottest 7th grader in school) says loudly "that's gross!" Everyone laughs. I try to disappear.
A couple of seniors of my high school were pulling into parking lot, before school, in a "beater F-150". It was a nice Friday morning and they had come up with this silly plan to do a drive-by mooning of some "popular girls". (No doubt to impress) They had done this before so they had a rehearsed plan. As they proceeded to pull closer to the girls, the driver honks his horn as the passenger drops his pants and sticks his a*s all the way out the window. The passenger felt a nice fart welling up inside at this time, so he decided it would be extra funny to turn this into a drive-by gassing. He executed with precision timing.
Here is where it all goes wrong.
The previous day was Senior Ditch Day and he spent much of the previous day consuming copious ammounts of alcohol, apparently passing out a number of times. So when he "let 'er rip" it was not a bubble of gas he was releasing, so-much-as a torrent of bile and fecal matter, in the form of a geyser. From five feet away at eye level, he had unleashed 24pk o' shit and hosed the girls. While the first escaped with little damage, the two other girls had taken direct hits. Vomit, screaming and crying was produced by many spectators.
So it's junior year in high school, I'm in first period theology (Catholic school) and I'm tired as hell, ironically. There's a cute blonde sitting in front of me and a cuter redhead in back. Despite being tired, I flirt with both of them before class starts, but more so with the redhead; I'm feeling good about life. So when class begins, satisfied, I put my head down and descend into the deepest of in-class slumbers. What felt like about half way into class, I'm awoken by the most ungodly sounding flatulence; I mean this was a like a bear fart.
I raise my head, in my drowsy stupor, wondering who it may have been and notice the entire class and teacher are looking towards my side of the class. Being tired, I apathetically put my head back down to sleep, but only to be jolted awake, seconds later, by the realization that it was me! I f*cking farted my self awake! I mean, I had felt my desk vibrate! Needless to say, that was the last time I ever flirted with the either the blonde or the redhead (who probably got a pretty good idea of what my a*shole smells like), or anyone who was in the class for that matter.
TL;DR: I nearly sh*t myself awake in class.
This one has haunted me for years...
It was the first week of tenth grade, and I was new at my high school. My other new kid friends and I sat down at a table in the cafeteria, and another new girl sat down with us. She was in a wheelchair.
So I expected her to be really timid and introverted, but she was actually sarcastic and funny, introducing herself and making jokes about being in a wheelchair. Example:
Her: "I'm trying out for field hockey!"
Me: "Wait, really?"
Her: "Hahaha no you idiot, I'm in a wheelchair."
Eventually one of my friends boldly asks her about how she ended up in a wheelchair. She says it was cancer. My friend asks which kind. She responds, "Leukemia, have you heard of it?"
Now, bear in mind, she was funny. She really was. And cmon, who hasn't heard of leukemia? So my gut reaction to her response was that it must be a joke. I mean, everyone's heard of leukemia!
It was too late. I burst out laughing. I immediately realized what had happened and tried to cover it up by gasping. It only made it worse. Everyone at the table glared at me.
I spent the rest of lunch in absolute silence, and I never spoke to her again.
tl;dr - Don't laugh at leukemia. Ever.
When I was fourteen and almost always thought with my penis, I decided it would be great to masturbate with a condom on, liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad's condoms.
Long story short my mom realizes that so many condoms are missing and thinks my father is having an affair, comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used the condoms, after realizing that this may end my parent's marriage I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I exlained to my mom that I used them, not for sex, but for masturbating. I cried for an hour.
TL;DR: I used dad's condoms for wanking, mom thought he was cheating, had to tell mom I liked to masturbate with condoms.
Here it goes...I was at work and I had to take the Titanic of sh*ts. I proceed to go to the restroom and sink that sh*t. Before I flush, I always look. But what I saw this time was horrifying. This shit was the size of a toddler's leg. Flushing isn't an option anymore. I panic and start to look for a solution. Outside the stall I look in the trash and find an empty Pringles can.
I proceed to scoop the appendage sh*t. I breathe a sigh of relief. I flush the remainder and walk out of the stall. My co-worker walks in and says "ooh Pringles! Give me one!". Before I could say no, she grabs the can and puts her hand in. She freaks out looks inside the can and yells, "what the f*ck is this!?"....All I could mutter was "sh*t".
Edit: I still work there. Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, we poop.
My brother is a f*ckin weirdo. We will just start it like that. Basically, he always found it really funny to run into whatever room someone was in, pull his bare a*s cheeks apart and fart at them and then hysterically laugh at them. I mean, it really was quite funny sometimes...but this one time. My mom and I were in her room talking and all the sudden my brother BURSTS through the door, spins around, does the obligatory spread, but THIS time something disgustingly magical happened.
The most perfect, spherical ball of sh*t about the size of a large ball bearing shot out of his a*s and landed on the floor in front of us. Silence. Then my mom and I proceeded to laugh so hard we cried and my brother was SO mortified that he started crying and ran out. He was 11. Man that was amazing. Little sh*t never did that again.
This story comes by way of my friend, who was an X-ray tech at the time.
Two guys come in to the hospital, one of them with a vibrator rammed in his a*s. As the doctors are figuring out what to do, the other guy is sort of whining about cramps he has too. He's complaining, but being evasive, so it seems like he's trying to be an attention whore. One of the docs tells my friend to run an X-ray to shut him up.
The X-ray done, my friend is standing behind this little curtain separating her from the patient and trying to process what she is seeing. There are three perfect ovals in his bum. As she tells it, it hits her and she lets out this surprised, "OH. MY. GOD."
They were hard-boiled eggs. The guy starts giggling sheepishly. She said they used something that dissolved them to get them out.
BONUS for the straight guys/gals.
Later, she said, med personnel are talking about the weirdest things they've seen in the ER.
One doc says a guy comes in bleeding profusely at the groin and the girl with him is bleeding from the top of her head. Couldn't figure out how the hell these injuries came about.
Turns out, they were at a restaurant and the girl crawls under the table to blow the guy. She has a seizure and clamps down on his manhood, all while her head is bucking against the top of the table.
Edit: Some folks are saying that the second story is from a book or is a urban myth, either of which might be true. Not my story, just repeating what I heard. Below, Redditor kreternal says the story is from a book called Emergency! by Mark Brown. I found links to the chapters here if anyone's inclined to go through it. (Scroll down.)
I have two, both similar.
I have been caught masturbating by my mother twice. Both times catastrophically embarrassing for me. The first time was nothing unusual. In my bedroom, she knocked and then walked in not a second after (what the hell's the point of knocking?) I was naked but was able to cover up quickly, but she still knew and walked out. I was 17 and I had older cousins, so she asked my aunt about what to do. She explained what she did with her two older boys when she caught them.
This was of course my more gossipy aunt and proceeded to converse with her other sisters and brothers that my mother had come to her with this advice. Fast forward a couple of weeks to a family birthday party. I feel everyone's eyes staring at me, their glares penetrating my skin. My older cousin Allison comes up to me and strikes conversation. Eventually asks me, "So how did she catch you?" I said, "Um, excuse me?" She replied, "Your mom caught you masturbating, didn't she?" I suddenly was so overcome with embarrassment that I began to sweat profusely and vomit. Vomit lots, and lots.
Like I said unfortunately there were two times. The second time was a little worse. Our computer is in the living room (I was too poor for a laptop) so I was sitting in the spinny computer chair naked, clothes not even in the room with me. I had gotten home from class a little early and figured I had a few hours before my mom came home from work. I was horribly mistaken.
Unfortunately she had been sick and decided to leave early. I heard keys on the other side of the front door, and I panicked. So I turned the speakers and the monitor off as fast as I could, but stayed seated. When she entered, she saw her son sitting quietly at a blank computer screen, butt as naked with an erection. Luckily I don't believe she saw that part of me seeing as I stayed facing the opposite direction of her, but still terrifyingly awkward. We avoided speaking and eye contact for about two weeks.
TL;DR Mom caught me masturbating, told my family about it, made me puke. Second time I was naked in the dark, sitting in front of a dark monitor, frozen like a statue as she just walked passed.
Seventh grade, right before school let out for the summer. Out of class early, decided to go get some freezies. Came back with a box of the damn things, couldn't eat them all. Between three of my like-minded & equally bored friends, we decided to start bribing people to entertain us for freezies. Curiousity ensued.
"Hey, we'll give you a freezie if you show us your dick~"
It was going along pretty well. Then this one guy refused, but countered with a I'll show you mine if you show me yours thing.
"No way. The going rate is one dick per freezie. And there's three of us here! So you better havethree dicks under your pants."
Then he tried arguing like, 1 dick/freezie is equatable to 1 set of boobs/freezie, which was just plain poor logic, because we had the box of freezies and he didnt. Supply and demand 101. Anyway, uh, we settled on some exchange of tits vs dick, and he delivered first and just as I was lifting up my shirt, my godfather (English teacher, middle school headmaster) rounded the corner into the common lounge where we were, and commented, "Ah, summer esprit. The birds, the bees, my goddaughter's naked titties. A little flat, but you've some time ahead of you yet. Please give my regards to your father."
Idk, there was just something about that delivery. So deliberate but aloof. Also, that burning shame ;_;
I live near a pretty congested street and once when I was about 13 my friends and I decided to go for a walk. I was wearing some white jeans as it was summer time and I was trying to look cute. It was the 90s, okay?! Anyway, we're walking around when I realize that hey, I feel funny maybe it's time to head home. I get home and my pants felt a little warm.
I thought meh, it's swass. I go to the bathroom to pee and freshen up and to my shock and horror I had started my period. Bright red blood was ALL over the back of my pants. There was no way people didn't see that. I guess it was less embaressing because I was oblivious, but I was so ashamed nonetheless.
Being home 24/7 with your kids can be a challenge, to say the least. These hilariously relatable parenting memes will definitely make you laugh and help you maintain what's left of your sanity.
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There are enough desperate memes going around to know that because of school and daycare cancellations, working parents are struggling right now.
But one woman has had enough of her sister and brother-in-law's belly-aching about having to watch their own three kids.
She took to Reddit to ask whether it's okay for her to ask the couple to take a chill pill and stop complaining.
My sister has 3 children under 5. She works full time due to choice. She always says that while her husband makes more than enough to support the family in a middle class lifestyle, she can’t imagine being home with all the kids all day.
Right now, she’s at home working 12 hours a week for full pay. My BIL is a consultant, so he’s working about 20 hours a week right now for full pay since most people are engaging his company’s services.
I’ve heard nonstop complaining from both of them about how hard it is to be with the kids. This is nothing new. If we’re visiting on a Saturday and we head outside with one parent to grab food out of the car, both parents will be horrified that the other was left alone for 5 minutes.
I don’t have kids, but I have nannied for a family of 4 and worked at a daycare. I feel that sometimes, their reactions are over the top. They chose to have the kids, and that means that they have to actually spend some time with them.
When my sister was complaining on the phone yesterday, I said “yeah, but they could be good, because you get to be with your kids more than usual.” She said: “obviously you have no idea how hard it is to be around them this much.” I said: “well you knew it could be when you chose to have them.”
She hung up with me and we haven’t talked since. [Am I the a-hole] here?
My problem isn’t that she’s saying it now with everything going on, it’s that she’s been saying it since they could walk. She says it in front of the kids in a slightly joking manner and expects me to laugh at it with her I.e. “can you believe I had to take the three of them to the playground today alone haha what a nightmare.” I really love my nieces and it bothers me. So I’m looking for judgment more on a general level - I get that it’s a bit different with everything going on, but I don’t see this stopping anytime soon, even once the kids are back in daycare.
happysapling says:
people shouldn't have children if they're THAT opposed to spending time with them. Yes it's hard, yes everyone gets to complain sometimes, but if complaining about parenthood has become their ENTIRE personality then they made the wrong choice.
brntchckngngt thinks the sister bit off more than she can chew, but shouldn't take it out on the kids:
it sounds like she had kids because she wanted the aesthetic of a nuclear family but then didn't want to do any of the childcare. imagine growing up knowing that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally resent you and hate being around you. you rightfully called her out.
sinkydoodles says that as a parent, the Who's-More-Stressed Olympics can be exhausting:
I get your sister’s pain, I’m in my house with one kid. I’ve always worked full time so it’s a whole new adjustment to be at home with kiddo 24/7, especially when he has aspergers and is NOT happy with his whole life routine changing.....
But my god, one of my pals has 3 kids and every. Single. Day. She’s on the phone complaining. If I say this is hard she’ll say HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL I HAVE THREE!!!
Eventually said well you f***** well chose to have 3, there’s a reason I was one and done!
Anyway, make child mind child.
Chemgal32 clearly wants to watch the parenting world burn:
When parents complain, I am always tempted to ask them if they think their kids are difficult because of nature or nurture? Either way, if your kids are unusually difficult, it is usually due to some parenting issues. People that complain the most about caring for their kids would be shocked at how enough sleep and a schedule that is followed on a regular basis works wonders to keep younger kids manageable.
But RoxyMcfly thinks this childless woman knows not of what she speaks:
Complaining right now due to world events is normal. Kids are not being stimulated, they are off their schedule. It's not like things are open where you can do things with them outside of the house. I have 1 kid and it's so hard all day every day. Parents complain about their kids all the time, it's not because they dont love them, but kids are hard. You worked for a daycare and was a nanny, you literally get to go home without kids. Try being at home 24/7 for a month or 2 without being able to go anywhere and tell people how it is. I love my child, I cant even imagine having 3 small ones. I feel for her. Everyone does have problems, but it doesn't mean she doesn't. I say [you're not the a-hole], but cut her some slack.
ellieacd agrees:
Daycare and being a nanny isn’t even close. You just had to keep them alive for a few hours. They didn’t have a true bond with you even if they liked you. Their parents have all the difficult parts of feeding, clothing, discipline, getting them to sleep, making sure they are healthy, making decisions about the family as a whole, explaining current events, worrying about exposure, keeping them occupied without being able to leave the house or have others over, etc. Their kids are not old enough to do basically anything themselves.
TunaMustard has some strong words for the woman:
Your sister didn't do anything but vent, which is something you're supposed to be able to do with close friends and family.
In a world without time machines, how is this helpful? You were being intentionally dismissive and catty with her, saying that you don't care about her problems. And no, she didn't sign up for a 24/7 shelter-in-place order lasting weeks with virtually no break from her home, spouse, or kids (and working a bit to boot). Let her vent, 'cause why not?
Also, her saying that she is working by choice might just be something she says to others. They might really rely on her income.
*Shrug*
Being locked away from the world for an extended period of time can mess with you big time.
A recent Reddit thread asked former prisoners what it's like to return to society after a long absence. The answers might help us prepare for the end of self-isolation — whenever it may be.
First day out I went to McDonald's and they changed the soda fountains to touch screen and let you add flavors and stuff blew my mind - trapmitch
The dishwasher at my old job served 26 years for murder. He was 21 when he went in, came out to a completely different world.
I remember him constantly asking me questions to look up on my smart phone, and I never got why. Finally I convinced him to get one and spent hours walking him through it. Then I realized he thought my phones sole functionality was to look up info and was taken aback at how much other stuff smartphones can do.
Nicest man in the world, still keep up with him to this day. - Spirited_Winter
My stepdad got out after serving 25 years (got out in winter 2008) and was shocked the first time he saw a remote car starter.
He was till one institution time so was up every day at 6 am eating when I woke up for breakfast before school. He went out to get the paper and saw my mom’s car was running without her inside it and came running in and was shocked.
“Your mother’s car is running but she’s still upstairs getting ready for work,” he said.
I replied, “ yea she does that to get it warm before she gets in in the morning.”
“So she keeps it running all night long?” he asked.
Never occurred to me that I’d have to spend 10 minutes explaining remote starters to a 52 year old that morning, let alone showing him how it works. Good guy, my stepdad was.
I only did a few years but I remember trying to explain to someone what YouTube was. He came over and asked me, this was in 2013 and he was locked up in 1998. I explained how he can watch old Live concerts people had recorded decades ago, or how he can go behind the scenes with different famous people, to the documentaries, and talked about the self help videos for basically everything... The more I explained it to him the more I realized just how crazy it is that it exists. - hitomi1881
My uncle got out of a federal pen after 18 years. He stood in front of the canned meat section for 30 minutes. - iiimmmDirtyDan
Not me but my cousin was recently in for drug abuse i believe and a bunch of other minor charges but when he got out he was shocked that things like google home talked back to you - Echoing_Circus
For my mate (his sentences totaled just over thirty years), there wasn't much, since he was pretty well-connected to the world in his last decade inside.
One thing that did stand out to him was the lowered quality of certain... "illicit products" on the streets since he and his connections got locked away.
He's long given up that game, though. Nice guy. Even tries to keep people from getting into it. - ionised
Omg getting in the car with my grandfather who picked me up off a six year term and getting on the motorway, being back in a car travelling at speed on the motorway was quite a thing after doing 3yrs 3months inside. And just for the record my grandfather wasn't exactly known for speeding. Also hitting my home area and seeing how small the houses were to me after being on such a big wing with 4 tiers, in your imagination you don't quite remember them being so small and its a shock to the system for sure. - midnittoker
My uncle did 10 years 91-2001 roughly. It was the middle of summer I was at home playing some Madden 2K1 on the Dreamcast. He loved being outside. He would take bus rides everywhere. 10 years of being locked up I guess. Visited everyone he knew randomly. He came over in the middle of the game, controller in hand. "Oh the games on." He said while popping open a beer. I was the Ravens playing the Cowboys. Cowboys being he team. I was dumbfounded. I thought he was joking. So I bet him 5 bucks cowboys get crushed. He took it. I finish the game something like 40-0. He acting like it's a real game. I figured he is just being silly. He always liked to enjoy the moment. I'm literally calling up plays and skipping replays and everything. Game ends and he gets this moment of depression. "Man my Boys used to be good. Here you go." He hands me a crumpled 5 dollar bill. I laughed. I had to really explain what a Dreamcast was and that it was a video game. That football games don't happen in the summer. He didn't believe me until I turned the game off and on and started another game. He took it like a champ. He was quite embarrassed. He was a good sport. I miss him. - endboss47
How much music was just everywhere, everywhere was music playing, the outside world seemed so loud - unbrokenviper
Biggest culture shock we’re that people weren’t segregated. I forgot how people coexisted. Did all my time in Nevada where whites only live with whites. We had race riots over a black simply trying to use our phone. So when I got out it was different on how blacks and white would sit at a table together or even be friends. -f_it_666
Women. After 12 years locked up a ton changed! I had no clue how to read women. I used to actually call them and talk to them on the phone. They’d blow me off real fast but text two minutes later. Wtf? Some girls would hook up with me never having met me nor talk on the phone. That was so unbelievable to me. - Grecko506
Beer cans changed to aluminum. I accidentally mashed my first one in my fist because I wasn't prepared for how weak they were. - ArcadianDelSol13
Give the snooze button a rest, get up, and get laughing. These hilariously silly memes are just the thing to help you forget about your worries for a few minutes.
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The moment when you're too early to the meeting and it's just you and the host (who you don't know that well) trying to spark up some bland small talk about how the world is falling apart? The moment when you've all said bye but now you all have to fumble toward the "leave meeting" button so the whole group is just staring at a from-below angle of everyone's chins? Or, even worse: when you think you're muted but you're actually very much not muted at all. The horror!
If you're working from home or just trying to stay in touch with friends through Zoom, Google Hangouts, or FaceTime, you've probably already discovered the new level of awkwardness that has come from quarantine communication.
Humans all around the world are staying indoors to stop the spread of coronavirus, and other species are taking advantage of this opening.
In what is sure to become an adorable Pixar movie, animals are frolicking through the fields and swimming through the canals they once avoided because of the pesky people.
Elephants in China are getting crunk.
The Venice canals are finally clean enough to see the fish.
It's Animal Crossing in real life.
As with every phenomenon, the "nature is healing" tweets have inspired sarcastic versions, and they're absurd and hilarious and hilariously absurd.
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