He'll never see it coming.
Is there even any point to it? Are they just trying to scare each other? Does the ninja in the front know that the ninja behind him is even back there? These are my questions!
One more. How to adopt them all, please?
(by Bob Powers)
"If your shirt is not tucked into your pants, your pants are tucked into your shirt."
What are shower thoughts? Is wondering what a shower thought is a shower thought?
Nick Offerman, Park and Rec's manly and wise patriarch, has lent his stoicism to Mashable to deliver profound epiphanies thought up by the gurus that lurk on reddit's r/showerthoughts.
Am I learning something? Is this smart? I can't tell because I'm hypnotized by the yogic strumming and Offerman's eyebrows.
From Mashable: "If you enjoyed this video, please check out the r/ShowerThoughts Charity: water campaign and donate."
Are you trying to have your own shower thoughts now? If you are looking at your laptop or phone I guarantee that you aren't. Those things can't get wet.
(by Myka Fox)
"I may fall, but a thousand will take my place!"
Most people of a certain age can, if you ask them to, whistle the tune to the theme song of the game Super Mario World, the classic 16-bit game that came standard with the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and introduced the world to Yoshi.* It's a bit peppier than the 8-bit Mario Bros. theme, a bit happier even. Until, that is, you hear this version from Animation Domination High-Def by show writer and voice actress Heather Anne Campbell for a new ADHD feature, "Songs You Didn't Know Had Lyrics."
Do you think the Yoshis teach the song to their young ones before they are called off to serve for Mario, or does each Yoshi sing it instinctively before being abandoned? If you enjoyed having this childhood memory destroyed, feel free to let ADHD spoil DuckTales, Batman, America, Santa Claus, or cats. Actually, the cat one is kinda sweet.
(by Johnny McNulty)
*You know, the famous frog-tongued dinosaur who is theorized to be of an asexual egg-laying species (T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas) who nonetheless is romantically connected in later games to Birdo, the female monster from Mario Bros. 2, which wasn't even supposed to be a Mario game but we have no time to get into that here.
One of the top three Rocky movies.
I have no idea why this guy is so determined to teach Rocky the French Bulldog puppy to jump off of furniture that's four times its height. That said, now that I've seen how cute it is watching the little guy overcome the fear and leap into his owner's arms actually is, I wouldn't mind seeing more of it. Maybe French Bulldog trust-jumping could be added as an event at the Westminster Dog Show.
Maybe someone with free time on their hands could start an r/PuppyHighDive subreddit. I'm just spitballing here. The point is that the world would be a better place with less cringe and WTF, and more French Bulldog puppies leaping off of furniture.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
Easy, lucky rider.
The accidental soundtrack to this amazing motorcycle crash is so perfect, there's a chance that the guy on the bike heard it as he was speeding by and felt like he should be doing something way more exciting than just cruising down the highway. I doubt his plan was as exciting as crashing into the car ahead of him, front-flipping onto its roof then landing on his feet, but that's exactly what happened.
If it weren't for the dashcam proof, the story might've lived on as an urban legend. Mostly likely, though, the tale of the Matrix Motorcycle Guy wouldn't have traveled very far, because the witnesses would've been accused of being fantasists and outright liars. Yet here it is. With over 2.5 million views on Youtube in two days.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
"Didn't work last seven times. Better try again."
Ha ha! Look at this dumb squirrel! Working so hard to climb up a pole just to get a few measly bits of bird food. So naive. And no matter how many times he tries, he never learns that the pole is greased, and he simply cannot succeed. Physics is working against him. How can he not comprehend the futility of his situation?! Stupid animal.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to searching the Internet for funny animal videos so that I can write humorous commentary about them. I feel like I'm getting really close to finding the one that turns all this around and makes me Internet famous!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
Kids, while mommy goes shopping you spend an hour shaming this dude. (Via)
When people park horribly, it's like they're leaving behind their car as a monument to their own lack of consideration for others, and everyone else in the parking lot can only ponder and seethe at it. These people couldn't pass that monument by without expressing their thoughts. Their extremely hostile, very funny thoughts.
You have to park really poorly to get a letter from the entire world.(Via)
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Aww, thanks! How'd you know what I wanted? (Via)
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If you have a monster truck you must be used to the occasional parking difficulty. (Via)
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Parking spaces were violated, but lives were saved. (Via)
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Lot of people have chalk in their cars. (Via)
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At least he got to reinforce his own sense of badassery. (Via)
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Sucks to take the space of the one guy who happens to know voodoo. (Via)
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What would the Bobs think of this? (Via)
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Absorb the hatred. (Via)
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"But Daddy just bought me this car!" (Via)
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It's cool. Grumpy cat doesn't like people not parking in his spot either. (Via)
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Simple and direct. (Via)
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The worst revenge is putting that song into your head again. (VIa)
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Sloppy and careless. Is there another way to fuck? (Via)
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Probably sarcastic, but that does sound fun. (VIa)
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Sometimes a note just doesn't work as well as physically ruining someone's day. (Via)
(by Bob Powers)
"I love you. This is bad. I love you you're beautiful."
Meghan Watermann, AKA YouTube's m3gtr0n,
was letting her pain meds make her decisions for her when she attempted to do the Ice Bucket Challenge only an hour after getting her wisdom teeth out. She's a very sweet girl who wants to help, and she's also a total mess.
Her face is swollen, she's bleeding out of her mouth, her "bucket" is a mixing bowl, and her mom could walk in on her any second to pull the plug. Mom told her not to leave her room. She probably wanted to make sure her daughter didn't do anything crazy until she was off those hardcore drugs...
BUT THAT'S OK! SHE CAN DO IT ANYWAY!!
She just needs to have a minor emotional breakdown because she has "no idea what she's doing" and she doesn't want to get her hair wet. But even in her dental fog she desperately wants to help people, not just look at Ryan Gosling's white dick.
I'M SORRY MOM!
When she's not bleeding from her face and hearing things, redditors have noted that "she's actually quite a good singer." I have to agree. Here's our bloody songstress with a noticeably less puffy face and much more intelligible diction:
Don't forget the reason for the season, donate for ALS research here.
(by Myka Fox)
Do not walk towards police officers unless you're interested in taking the "Get Shot 10 Times in the Chest and Head" challenge.
President Thomas J. Whitmore: basically the male Laura Roslin.
It's the slow month of August, 90s nostalgia is hitting full swing this decade, and you could use some simple "if this famous person did what another famous person did" joy. Here's a nineties-tastic mashup of Gilbert Gottfried doing Bill Pullman's iconic speech from 1996's Independence Day, where he informs a ragtag army of drifters from the American Southwest that they and a montage of foreigners are about to fly planes from the 1970s and 80s against an interstellar fleet of city-destroying spaceships that are several kilometers in diameter. (The montage of foreigners is later and includes some Egyptians who have chosen a spot about 1000 yards from the Pyramids to regroup—and if I was avoiding aliens, the Pyramids would be the last place I'd go.)
Gilbert Gottfried, of course, is not just from the 90s, but to this day he is best known for his role in 1992's Aladdin as Iago, the pet parrot of the villain Jafar (to be honest, I think he's best known as the voice of the Aflac duck, but let's not be dicks about it). I would imagine it's been a tough two weeks of teary people asking him to do lines from Aladdin, although if I ever meet him, I'm still going to ask him to do the Aristocrats. Here's the original video below:
According to the description on the Gilbert Gottfried speech's video, it was edited by Jordan vanDina, produced by Chuckle Squad, sponsored by Cards Against Humanity, and the audio is from Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. So, you know, good luck figuring that out.
(by Johnny McNulty)
Look out, dinosaurs. He's coming to get you. (Via)
In the fiction of the future, there will be no guns. All the authors that want to write about guns will have been arrested. It is possible they might then turn to a life of crime after having been denied a proper education, but don't worry, they won't write about guns.
Alex Stone is a 16-year-old Summerville High school 9th grader who just got arrested because he wrote about killing a dinosaur with a gun. He was given an assignment to write a "fake" Facebook status. Stone wrote, "I killed my neighbor's pet dinosaur," and then in the next status he wrote, "I bought the gun to take care of the business."
And then the school called the cops on him. They came to his school to search his book bag and locker and -- shockingly -- they didn't find a gun. Or a dead dinosaur.
They arrested him anyway, and the school suspended him. Why? Because he wrote the word gun? Or because the term "take care of business" is threatening? The only problem with writing "take care of business" in a creative writing assigment is that it is a cliche and he should really be encouraged to be more creative than that.
Alex told Live 5 News that "his statements were taken completely out of context."
Yeah, well the first tip that this was out of context could have been the dinosaur victim. Nothing is more out of context than something that has been extinct for millions of years.
Stone was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. He has also been suspended from school, all for completing his assignment.
Hear that, kids? School doesn't pay.
(by Myka Fox)
A venti act of kindness. (via)
It started at 7 AM, when a woman at a Starbucks drive-thru decided to commit a random act of kindness by paying for the coffee of the customer in the car behind her. By 6 o'clock that evening, 378 people had taken part in the impromptu game of "pay it forward," helping to create the most uplifting story to come out of Florida since the invention of thongs.
The manager of a St. Petersburg Starbucks said that the chain of goodwill was kicked off by a woman in her mid-60s. A nice gesture, but wouldn't have become a viral story if the person behind her grabbed their free drink, yelled "score!" and drove off. Instead, that person made the decision to pay for the next person, who paid for the next person, and so on for the next 11 hours until buzzkill customer 379 decided to poop in the proverbial punchbowl.
Barista Vu Nguyen said a woman driving a white Jeep Commando seemed confused by the idea and just wanted to pay for her cup of coffee. It's also possible she thought the Barista was running some sort of scam, pocketing hundreds of dollars from people he tricked into believing they were part of some feel-good movement. A scheme that's probably going on all over the country now that this story has gone viral. That's just how these things tend to play out.
Still, the fact that nearly 378 people took part in the chain of kindness before it ended is so inspiring, it makes me want to quit my job and hand out free hugs in the park while singing "Age of Aquarius." Ironically, if I was to give in to that temptation, within a few days I'd be begging for change in order to buy a cup of coffee.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
1. Ferguson Police Officer Will Not Be Allowed To Threaten Lives Of Innocent Protesters For At Least A Few Days
Ferguson city officials say that the officer who was caught on camera threatening to kill protesters while pointing his loaded, semi-automatic rifle at them has been suspended from duty. Probably until he learns not to pull shit when you're so obviously going to get caught. Come on, man. Learn how to harass civilians like a professional!
Ferguson police will use hoses next and claim the protestors were having a wet t-shirt contest.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 21, 2014
2. Your Kid's Finger Paintings Might Show How Dumb He Is
A new study from King’s College London suggests that you might be able to get some insight into just how dim-witted your kid will grow up to be, based upon the crappy, half-considered scrawls that you stuck up on your refrigerator. Parents shouldn't put too much stock in their children's artistic abilities, however. "Drawing ability does not determine intelligence, there are countless factors, both genetic and environmental, which affect intelligence in later life," according to study author Dr. Rosalind Arden. In other words, your kid can be good at drawing and still wind up profoundly dumb.
A big thank you to all the teachers who "starred" my potato prints and finger paintings back in kindergarten.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 6, 2011
3. Christian Conservatives Were Right! 'Harry Potter' Books Provide Dangerous Gateway To Progressive Ideas Of Tolerance
Research performed by a political scientist at the University of Vermont claims to have found empirical evidence that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series of books had a political influence upon its readers. "Reading the books correlated with greater levels of acceptance for out-groups, higher political tolerance, less predisposition to authoritarianism, greater support for equality, and greater opposition to the use of violence and torture," researcher Anthony Gierzynski wrote in The Conversation.
I wonder what percentage of American parents didn't let their kids watch Harry Potter because they didn't understand the accents?
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) August 6, 2014
7 More Middle-Aged Harry Potter Books J.K. Rowling Has Planned http://t.co/kfVnrkOS9tpic.twitter.com/zhOe0A4a6d
— someecards (@someecards) July 16, 2014
4. Turns Out Ladies Know What Ladies Like In The Bedroom
A recent study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine finds that lesbians are having better sex and more orgasms than their heterosexual counterparts. Seems like an unfair comparison though. Heterosexual women are forced to have sex with men, and, as any straight woman will tell you, those guys really have no idea what they're doing down there.
FACT: Lesbians are 60% water & 137% hummus.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) April 29, 2014
5. Emma Stone Bringing Her Perfectly Acceptable Acting Talents To The Broadway Stage
Hollywood actress and notable attractive person Emma Stone will be making her Broadway debut as Sally Bowles in the currently running Broadway revival of Cabaret. Stone—whom relatively few people seem to view as a below-par actress—is expected to do an acceptable-enough job replacing the respected performer Michelle Williams.
I will probably marry the 19-year-old Best Buy employee who told me I look like Emma Stone today. Mostly because he's an idiot.
— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) October 16, 2013
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
Nice to finally meet you! (Via Daily Mail)
Hey doctor, are there any baby skeletons inside me? Ummm, could you check again?
A 60-year-old woman in India went to a doctor complaining of abdominal pain. They found a lump and assumed she had cancer but, fortunately, it was just a 36-year-old baby skeleton.
As reported by the Daily Mail, Kantabai Thakre became pregnant at the age of 24 when doctors told her it was an ectopic pregnancy, meaning that the fetus was growing outside the womb and had little chance at survival. Freaked out at the possibility of surgery, Thakre fled to a small village where she sought treatment for the pain at a local health center and then decided she was cool with never thinking about it again. That is, until 36 years later, when the baby finally decided it wanted out.
Thakre went to the doctor with abdominal pain, urinary problems and fever. According to the Daily Mail, "a team of surgeons discovered a mass containing a matured skeleton encapsulated in a calcified sac."
This baby skeleton is like, really mature. (Via Daily Mail)
Ugh, these millennials just refuse to grow up. Never wanting to leave your body, just wanting to hang out pressing on your intestines in a calcified sack all day.
(by Myka Fox)
It's still summer! Get in that pool while it's hot out! Here's an awesome video of dogs having a terrific time socializing and romping in what appears to be a nice suburban outdoor pool. I'd tell you more about it, but the video's description just has some anti-United Nations propaganda in it that I can't quite decipher. So, I've included another video below it that has a bit more backstory—or as much backstory as dogs having a pool party can have.
Now this video is from a doggie day care called the Happy Tails Resort in Norfolk, VA. Now you can enjoy it with all that delicious context.
(by Johnny McNulty)
