"Tell me what you like..."
Someecards editor Dan Wilbur is out to tell the world how much he cares. This time, he chose Hachette Book Group, the publishing house that brought us the Pulitzer prize-winning book, The Goldfinch. Listen as Dan tries to tell Hachette Customer Service how much he loves them and Donna Tartt:
See more positive pranks here.
From the mouths of moms (and aunts).
Last month we were introduced to "Sisters," one guy's recording of his mom and his aunt's conversations, dubbed into the mouths of him and his similarly hirsute friend. It was very charming and only slightly unsettling.
This week The Kloons blessed us with Sisters, Episode 2, which covers such important topics as The Emmys, backyard garden design, and of course, those slow-ass baristas.
Eventually, the tables are going to have to be turned, right? The mom and aunt will be enlisted to lip-sync these two guys' convo? And how has not a single one of these conversation snippets included the mom complaining about her son's hair?
(by Bob Powers)
Someecards nominates its millions of loyal fans to take a break from watching ice bucket challenge videos and make a donation to the ALS Association! You have 24 hours to:
1) Donate here.
2) Spread the word simply by sharing this with your friends (no ice water required).
3) Ignore this and tell us to f*ck off in the comments.
Thanks,
Someecards Fund For ALS
1. The Michael Brown Incident Report Is Completely Blank, Thus Proving That All This Fuss Is Over Nothing
The Ferguson Police Department has finally gotten around to releasing the incident report for the shooting death of unarmed teenager Michael Brown, and wouldn't you know it happens to be completely devoid of information. So, looks like your Fox News-watching uncle was right about this being a whole bunch of hubbub over nothing at all.
In the Ferguson shooting case, it appears Officer Darren Wilson's defense attorney will be Fox News.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 21, 2014
2. U.S. Copyright Office Sets Monkey Selfies Free
The United States Copyright Office has just overhauled copyright law so that photographs taken by monkeys and other animals, which apparently is a thing worthy of consideration, cannot be copyrighted. "The Office will not register works produced by nature, animals, or plants," according to the government office. "Likewise, the Office cannot register a work purportedly created by divine or supernatural beings, although the Office may register a work where the application or the deposit copy state that the work was inspired by a divine spirit." So, any tasteful nudes taken by spooky ghosts are fair game.
If you put one monkey at one typewriter for one hour, it will write a Bud Light commercial
— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 10, 2014
3. Catholics: Your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Video Might Send You To Hell Fire
You may think that you're doing good for the world by dumping a bucket of ice water on your head and uploading a video of it to YouTube. However, the Cincinnati Archdiocese has pointed out that if your trendy viral video inspires people to donate money to the ALS Association, then they are unwittingly supporting research via stem cells. And, as the life of a poor, innocent stem cell is roughly equivalent to that of a person with Lou Gehrig's Disease, this may cause a moral conundrum.
I'm excited to learn that there is now an Ice Bucket Challenge Halloween Costume, presumably to raise awareness about ruthless capitalism!
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 22, 2014
4. Florida Man Can Finally Marry Other Florida Man
Florida Man sure has had his share of adventures, but he's about to enter into the most exciting adventure of all: true love. Yesterday, a federal judge declared the Sunshine State's ban on same sex marriage to be unconstitutional.
Florida's gay marriage ban has been ruled unconstitutional. Hanging Chads will finally be able to wed Daytona Dans.
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) August 22, 2014
5. 'Sin City 2' Offers Old Fashioned Style, Effects and Misogyny
Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's follow-up to 2005's Sin City finally hits theaters today, bringing with it mediocre reviews, some warmed-over visual effects and egregious acts of violence. Plus misogynistic story lines aplenty!
Need some relief from all the violent images of urban blight I've been seeing, Thank God that new Sin City film is opening.
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) August 21, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
if I don't produce an heir I guess my dad's HBOGO password dies with me.
To add this in context, this is bigger than most New York apartments.
This world and the animals that inhabit it are awesome. And I mean "awesome" in the classic sense of the word: to fill with some awe. Nature is magnificent. It is mysterious. And it's best observed from somewhat of a distance.
Well, to illustrate my point, this video is an example of being maybe a tad too close to nature:
Here's a good rule of thumb: If you can say, "Wow, look at that beautiful humpback whale over there," you're at just the right distance from which to view nature.
On the other hand, If you're more likely to say, "Oh, my god, I'm going to be killed by the beautiful humpback whale! Please tell my family that I love them very much, and if you have time, clear my browser history," you might want to think about backing up.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
It took me a while to realize there was a ball in the background, not a fifth butt.
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun, and by "my anaconda" I mean "YouTube viewers" and by "none" I mean "to watch a video millions and millions of times." Nicki Minaj's posterior cushioning has smashed YouTube's all-time record for views in 24 hours by mesmerizing eyeballs 19.6 million times with her upside-down Dolly Parton body. Her Sir Mix-a-lot inspired 'Anaconda' is certainly monopolizing the Internet's screen time in a way not seen since the hamster dance. This record was previously held by Miley Cyrus's ass and sideboobs swinging on a wrecking ball in "Wrecking Ball." If you think I'm being crass right now, you probably haven't seen the source material:
(by Johnny McNulty)
"Who is Jimmy Kimmel?"
For some unfathomable reason, the parents of this Argentinian boy (AKA The Sweetest Boy In The World) decided to prank him on his birthday by giving him a tablet-sized gift that turned out to be a cutting board. His only present. Mean!
I'm not sure if they were expecting him to throw a tantrum when he realized he wasn't getting a tablet, because he doesn't seem like the kind of kid who throws a lot of fits. The fact that they decided to prank him would indicate they were expecting some kind of negative reaction, or at least some disappointment. Instead, the boy reacted as graciously as any boy could after receiving a cutting board for his birthday. Who knows, maybe he's been hiding a secret dream of being on MasterChef Junior. Even then, how about a knife?
Regardless, when he opens his real gift, a tablet, his reaction will make you feel as though you just used your own cutting board to slice a dozen onions.
Parents out there should show this video to your kids the next time they start whining about not getting something they want. If they fail to get the message, I've got a suggestion for their next birthday gift.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
"I am familiar with this cultural reference and therefore find it humorous!"
If there's one thing everybody knows about pop culture, it's that Internet trends last forever. It's why that "Chocolate Rain" song is still so damn popular, and it's why the New York Times decided to start reporting all of its news in rage comic form.
It's also why you'd be a fool—a damn fool!—to not jump on this fantastic opportunity to buy an Ice Bucket Challenge costume for Halloween. Not to mention all the many Halloweens to come. You'll be getting a lot of use out of this purchase. I guarantee it.
Just think about what you're getting for your $39.99. You're getting a plastic bucket. That's gotta be worth $27 dollars right there. And then there's the body-length mesh fabric cascade. I defy you to go to the hobby shop and come back with that much mesh fabric for less than $34 dollars. And that's not even considering the fake ice cubes. Can we even put a price on those fake ice cubes? I can't. And ten of the dollars you're spending is going toward whatever charity this Ice Bucket thing is supporting.
Look, just take my advice and go buy this costume now! Just think about how popular this Internet trend will be by the time Halloween rolls around! If we've got movie stars and former presidents participating in it now, just think how huge this will be in two months! We'll probably have Bigfoots and space aliens dumping water on their heads.
It's gonna be so L33T!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
It's over before you know it.
Ian Padgham is a professional Vine artist—which apparently is now a viable career path. As such, he spends a great deal of his time creating some pretty interesting six-second short animated videos, sometimes for corporate brands and sometimes just for his own pleasure.
His newest Vine, however, is probably his most personal one. It seems to have taken him about nine months to complete, but he did get some help from his wife, Claire Pasquier. She appears to have done at least a little of the heavy lifting:
Now, I know people have done time-lapse pregnancy videos before, but this one is particularly striking. Take note of the background. It never moves at all. Near as I can tell, Padgham locked an iPhone onto a shelf with a vice and kept it there for the better part of a year. Think about what that means. I mean, how did the guy play 2048?
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
"Correction. This food WAS yours, Poindexter."
One thing you've got to respect about cats is that they never get tired of making life miserable for dog roommates. There's a real dedication involved in that kind of persistent obnoxiousness. And I don't even know what they get out of their bullying.
I suppose, yes, they're getting these dogs' food. But do you really think they want it? I mean really? I've known a few cats in my life, and they're some pretty snobby animals. (I knew one who would just sit there annoyed until everyone walked out of the room, because he hated dumb people looking at him while he ate.)
If these cats are enjoying this food, it's only because they savor the taste of canine despair:
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
On the plus side, maybe she could host one of those "extreme nanny" reality shows.
Don't tell mom, but the babysitter is a psychotic arsonist. Martha Dreher, 57, is a babysitter in Austin, TX. You would think that at 57, Dreher would have learned to put up with obnoxious kids by now, but either she's a crazy person (which she almost definitely is), or the two daughters of Glenn Williams were so awful that after a few months of working with them, they deserved to have their bedroom lit on fire.
The 90-year-old house is now being gutted because of the fire damage.
Earlier this month, Glenn Williams and his daughters were on vacation. While they were there, Williams told Austin's KVUE-TV, they got a call from Williams' son Adam, saying, "Dad, I just went to the kitchen—lots of smoke." The entire house didn't burn down because the fire was lit in the girls' bedroom and their door was closed, which caused the fire to eventually go out and only destroy the one room. In other words, this was just about those girls.
Dreher does openly say that she hated dealing with the girls and wanted to quit, and had told Mr. Williams on other occasions that his daughters, especially the oldest, were very 'disrespectful.' None of this proves that she started a fire in their room. The video surveillance footage of Dreher arriving at the home "to get popcorn" and leaving 20 minutes later while flames billow out of the girls' bedroom, however, tell a different story. As Williams told himself said, "they could have set the whole house on fire, and they actually closed the doors so the fire was maintained in those rooms and burned itself out. So it was definitely a vendetta against the two girls."
Defense attorney Amber Bode, who for some reason wants more evidence.
Not that that's stopping Dreher from claiming she didn't do it. Her attorney Amber Bode insists that, despite Dreher telling Mr. Williams all the reasons she had to hate his daughters, that Dreher had no reason to lash out at the girls. This is how Bode described her defense strategy for Dreher: "The thing that we are going to be pushing for—in addition to, obviously, lie detector tests and everything else we can do to prove her innocence—is evidence." Like a video tape of Dreher walking away from a burning building without looking back? Or would that be the wrong kind of evidence?
(by Johnny McNulty)
Internet prank culture finds a way.
I've got admit, I've got conflicting feelings about this video. On the one hand, I have a general discomfort with white guys using phrases like "in the hood," especially when they're the kind of guys who run YouTube channels called AverageBroTV. I'm just a little allergic to the whole phenomenon. It makes me break out in douche chills.
On the other hand, I am strongly in favor of watching people being scared shitless by ridiculous things. It is literally the greatest thing on Earth. And I say that with less hyperbole than anyone ever said anything ever! I mean, it's a bunch of people running for their lives from a pretty impressive dinosaur costume. How can you beat that?!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
"Oh my goodness! It's a rocket ship!! It's a rocket ship!!!"
How did it happen that we all started yawning at the fact that a bunch of monkeys have evolved to the point that they somehow figured out how to shoot enormous projectiles so far up in the air that they actually get higher than the sky? Think about that. That's insane! And yet, most of us can barely mange to squeeze out a semi-interested grunt of acknowledgement when we see it happening on television.
Can you imagine how cool it would be to experience the actual mind-blowingness of a space shuttle being launched into outer space to the full extent that it actually deserves? That's the way this adorable little girl is experiencing it:
I think Elmo got it right when, at the very end, he said "I feel magical."
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
Those are tears of joy...over how much attention I'm getting right now. (via)
We know it shouldn't be a shock that there are drama queens on Facebook, but these infuriating users are are becoming a scourge, making the world's most self-absorbed medium even less tolerable with every intentionally cryptic, overwrought status update. Everyone has at least ten friends like this who constantly court concern with updates about how "you" broke my heart and now "life just isn't worth living," and they know they can get a dozen comments from their gullible, similarly theatrical friends by typing nothing more than a simple "Ugh!" The crybabies included here are just a small sampling of a growing Facebook population that must be stopped! (Sorry if we got a little over-dramatic at the end there.)
Sounds excessive, but the only way to raise awareness is through firing squads. (Via)
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If you want to start trouble but are in hurry, just call people who lost their baby whiners. (Via)
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Some people can't get the hint when their friends don't want to see them in a wet t-shirt. (Via)
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Look, family court is crowded. Might as well sort it all out in a comments thread.(Via)
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YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN!!!(Via)
Updated 7/20/14:
They don't even have to make sense to piss each other off. That's closeness.(Via)
You would make your aunts very proud. Also, do snakes make drama? (Via)
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Hard to keep track.(Via)
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Who would do such a thing? (Via)
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The usual? How often do you do battle with the world (and lose)? (Via)
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His next vague complaint is going to be about people who demand elaboration. (Via)
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Updated 6/22/14:
Your emoticon looks like it still has a few more tears left.(Via)
Seagulls hate being brought into vague attention-getting statuses. (Via)
You two can work through this. Let us watch.(Via)
Nana hijacks another attempted vaguebooking. (Via)
You could just go with the "off" button. Less swimming. (Via)
On Facebook, who can maintain a positive outlook for 20 whole minutes?(Via)
Updated 5/21/14:
How do they have time for boyfriends? There's so much public fighting to do!(Via)
At least post a haul video of what you spent the money on. (Via)
No idea what they're fighting over and hope to never find out. (Via)
The dance is called "Flight Of The Attention-Starved Vaguebooker." (Via)
But her broken heart is at least 14 or 15. (Via)
Quit making DRAFA.(Via)
Updated 4/6/14:
Poor thing. Why can't the wealthy ever catch a break! (via)
The suicide rate among dumb Gods has been skyrocketing. (Via)
And if you visit my Tumblr you can find out how to make amends.(Via)
Fine. I'll say it. Your statuses are way too vague.(Via)
Sometimes a whiny rant is also a cry for help.
How can I get on that list?
Updated 3/17/14:
We hurt the ones who try to help.
Someone besides the ex. Include the fine print and you won't need follow-ups.
Sometimes, the tale time tells is a real bummer.(via Rachael T.)
Hopefully the one that's "worse" [sic] your tears will make you cry by correcting your typos.
Man. Hate to see how you'd take it if you dropped your laptop.
Wait, are all of you planning to off yourselves tonight? We appreciate you! Chill out!
Updated 2/18/14:
They must have all requested that they be blocked.
Those 4 likes are from people who hate a loud, noisy death.
Cryers gonna cry.
Posting vague, attention-seeking statuses is the epitome of letting life happen, apparently.
So many threats today. This winter is getting to everybody.
Can't talk now, byeeeeeeee!
Updated 1/15/14:
Until then, happy holidays! (Via User "Whimsy")
It's not a felony until it crosses 450% illegal. (Via)
I don't want to ask you about it. *Feeling indifferent* (Via)
If only she had the two-faced bitch's email, we'd be spared this.(Via)
1 Like. Things are looking up! (Via)
How anyone could find fault in your child-rearing skills is beyond me! (Via)
Updated 12/9/13:
Just when we thought we were in, you push us back out!
Finally, someone speaks up for the thin. Enough of the low BMI bullying!
One good way to rationalize why you're never called nor texted. (Thanks Katie M)
It's honestly just some research I'm working on. Also, AM I WANTED?
I'm in a bad mood because of whatever put you in a good mood this morning.
Wow! Starting shit with someone for being a great person. That's how you hunt down drama.
Updated 11/11/13:
Betting that 1 thing might be "LMS IF YOU'LL TAKE ME BACK!!!!"
You made it home alive! Make sure to take your knife if you go to the bathroom to brush before bed.
I don't mean to complain, but man those complainers are something!
So, you just said you hope you die soon. You know that right?
The news is always full of #Sundayfails. Why not report on some #Sundaysuccesses?
Only certain Tims make me cry. Tiny Tim. Tim Allen. Tim Tebow.
Updated 10/21/13:
Cool. Thanks for sharing! *UNFRIEND*
Someone screencapped their "I trusted you" status and made fun of it on the Internet?
Gonna have to be a lil' more specific. Lot of bad shit going down lately.
Let's keep Facebook away from famine victims, cool? They don't need to read this.
Gladly!
You can never talk too anyone. You always talk just enough anyone for our taste.
Updated 9/16/13:
Birch away, girlfriend!
Suicide notes were way more eloquent before the invention of texting.
You have to learn to love crying.
First go back and kill Hitler! Then deal with your ex. Priorities!
You should put an Ace bandage on that head ace.
You were missed. The seconds you were away felt like full minutes!
Updated 8/15/13:
Have a good trip?
Great! If you don't want to talk about it then let me tell you about my WONDERFUL morning!!!
What if I'm not sure if I'm involved? Can I ask if I'm involved? I WANNA BE INVOLVED!
MOOOOOM! Stop posting on my friends' engagement party invite wall!
That'll do it!
No one values friendship anymore. Or marriage. Or...fidelity to ex-girlfriends? I'm lost.
Updated 7/16/13:
Not as sorry as your friends are for adding you.
K byeeeeeeeee!
I crave attention. No need to like. It's readily apparent.
U other guys, though, what u guys all hate me?!!!
Aw come on. Just one whiff?
Congratulations on directly confronting "someone."
Updated 6/1913:
Perhaps she was being kind. Cassidy might prefer chodes. They are adorable, after all.
This middle school wants to keep us apart. We shan't let them.
I send them messages like, "Hey stupid fuck. Not popular enough for you?"
We always keep both feet planted firmly on the ground while chatting.
Times like this, all we need is our family of plush toys we keep in our read windshield.
Pretty sure someone made love to the wrong person. The rest is mystery.
Updated 5/15/13:
Why don't you just forward this message to him? After translating into English of course.
So, should I take my dick out of my ass now? I want to help!
This actually makes sense to us. Life should never be thought about. It's no good.
Does the old Kay have access to a working keyboard by chance?
Can't imagine why they'd leave you.
Just staring up at a leak in the ceiling. Anyway, how are you?
Updated 4/15/13:
The drama queen giveth, the drama queen taketh away.
You know, you can just go ahead and post this directly on Child Services's page.
Don't stop, go.
And not if the game involves speaking directly toward whomever you're pissed off at.
We're sure she appreciates this tribute to her memory.
Vague statuses like this make all your friends' FB walls feel like that punching bag.
Updated 3/13/13:
Move to New York. People walk down the street crying all the time and no one says a word.
We get the gist.
It's better to have <3 and </3 than to have never <3 at all.
RIP most of your Facebook friendships.
We'll try harder to be a "gentleman and shit." Want some flowers or bullshit like that?
We're unfriending you. Just popped into our head!
Updated 2/15/13:
Peeing yourself? You're sh*tting me.
Everyone in this thread is a child molester.
We don't want to hurt you, Miranda, but that's a pretty awful smile.
Brohoof (n) - Fist bump between men who like My Little Pony. So, yeah, no one understands.
Obnoxiously Manic Girl?!
The person who liked the "pissed on" joke might really die if they saw the pee-pants post.
We can't believe those two people gave pity likes against their direct wishes!
Updated 1/15/13:
Oh right. Every hour on the hour.
I'm either going to unsubscribe or unfriend you today. Not a joke.
She knows she can upload video of her crying too, right? Quit half-assing it!
Seek no more, young journeyman, for your bullshit has been found.
You're only done with the drama because you used it all up in this post.
You can cram a lifetime into a single month. And a lifetime of self-pity into a single status update.
There are sadness-concealing face creams you can use if you get sick of putting on smiles.
Your plan has backfired. What's wrong?
Updated 11/13/12:
Or worse, did you post something self-involved and stupid where you can be publicly mocked?
The saddest part is he sounds like 90% of adults on Facebook.
Is "swag" a term for the letter O now? Because that's what you're missing.
And being a whiny loser is the highlight of mine, so lay off!
I wasnt going to say anything, but I'm gonna say a lot. Not like a dumb 16-year-old.
We feel like committing sadness after reading this post.
Posted 10/18/12:
But most importantly, learn grammar before you die.
Always remember other people have it worse. Like war vets and bored kids.
Wut's dat? Lemme luk it up in my thezoris.
We are focusing on our work, and we bet you feel like an idiot.
Updated 8/20/12:
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Granny get your gun.
20-year-old James Fry was outrunning the police when one grandma decided to deliver some vigilante justice.
Becky Powell, a 40-year-old bartender and grandmother of three, was driving with her husband and son when she saw Fry running from the cops. She told her husband that the cops were never going to catch him, so he husband sped up to get ahead of Fry.
Then, without stopping, Powell jumped out of the car.
Tuck and roll, grandma.
"I got into a football stance and said, 'You're going to stay here,'" Powell told the Tri-City Herald. "He stiff-armed me and I just wrapped him up and threw him on the ground."
As the two fell, Powell grabbed onto his pants and underwear, exposing his little tushie. Dude got pantsed by grandma.
Another man joined Powell to help her pin Fry down just before the cops caught up and were able to cuff him. Powell took the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings into Fry's ear.
"How does it feel to be taken down by a mother of five and a grandmother of three?"
Powell told the Tri-City Herald that Fry was not amused.
The police said they were appreciative of Powell's efforts, but that they "don't want to have people get involved because they can get hurt."
An understandable concern, but Powell managed to head up three generations in four decades all while bar tending at a place called Jokers. The only people getting hurt here are the police and their egos.
Tuck and roll, grandma!
(by Myka Fox)
