"Fuck it, we're all going back to my place."

Medical marijuana has ruined the sanctity of the local news broadcast. Anchorage, AK CBS affiliate KTVA was doing a report on a medical cannabis operation called the AK Cannabis Club in the semi-lawless, secession-crazed home of Sarah "My Kids Will Beat You Up" Palin. Part of what made the medical cannibis grower such an attractive story for the station, presumably, was the company's shadowy, mysterious secret owner. The club itself is not incredibly unusual — it connects patients with legitimate Alaskan medical marijuana cards with licensed medical marijuana growers (this kind of direct connection is necessary in states with medical marijuana laws but murky dispensary laws), and due to the legal gray area, gives patients the opportunity to give "donations" to the grower to compensate for the cost of cultivating the plant.

Reporter Charlo Greene apparently decided to follow in the Governor Who Was Too Important To Govern's footsteps, because what she did at the end of the broadcast can only be described as "going rogue." Perhaps upset by the unbalanced hit piece she had just run on her own company, she unexpectedly announced that was the secret owner. She then said she was resigning to advocate full-time for legalization and Alaska's Ballot Measure 2, and unveiled the greatest newscaster sign-off since Walter Cronkite's iconic "I'm Walter Cronkite and everything you just heard was a corporate lie."

Here's what Greene said, in case you missed it: "Now everything you've heard is why I, the actual owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club, will be dedicating all of my energy toward fighting for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska. And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice but, fuck it, I quit.”

She did not, indeed, have a choice because according to the Alaska Dispatch News, KTVA made a statement shortly thereafter "We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated." You can't terminate her! She already terminated herself.

As for why she did this, besides to be awesome, Greene told the Dispatch News "Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue...[of] medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real... most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine." 

Ballot Measure 2 "would allow people age 21 and older to possess up to one ounce of marijuana and up to six plants. It would also make the manufacture, sale and possession of marijuana paraphernalia legal." The opponents of the bill didn't fail to capitalize on the Greene incident, and their tweet on the matter showed a slightly different take on what happened: "#KTVA reporter covering ballot measure 2 loses her mind, confesses to being an owner of the cannabis club and quits while on the air."

Reefer madness!

(by Johnny McNulty)

He's acquired a particular set of skills, but more importantly a lightsaber and guns.
(click here to enlarge)

Liam Neeson, the towering Irish actor long known for powerful dramatic performances (I once saw him in The Crucible as John Proctor on Broadway. That was pretty cool, but he didn't snap any necks) has, as we all know, become a hyper-violent action star in his middle age. To celebrate his penchant for the cold-blooded ending of life, but mostly to promote his upcoming death fest Walk Among The Tombstones, film distribution company eONe has released this detailed map on Facebook of where and how Neeson has killed each of his victims. Naturally, there's some nitpicking on reddit and elsewhere about the accuracy of all of this slaughter, but overall it's very clear that you don't want to challenge Neeson when he's portraying a fictional character (and at 6'4", you don't want to challenge him in person, either).

Basically, Liam Neeson is a natural hazard on the European continent.

A lot of people, however, have pointed out that as the star of Schindler's List, saving several hundred Jews from the Holocaust may somewhat make up for his later carnage.

(by Johnny McNulty)

5. Rihanna, Amber Heard, and the other female performers whose nude pics were leaked this weekend.

(Getty)

There was another massive leak of celebrity nude photos over the weekend, with pics of Rihanna, Amber Heard, Kim Kardashian, Vanessa Hudgens, Kate Bosworth, and Hope Solo showing up on 4chan and reddit. Imagine you were waking up this morning to discover nude photos of you were available to anyone on the planet with an Internet connection. You'd probably stay home from work and google changing your name so you could start over. Years from now, you'd catch someone's eye in a grocery store and be convinced they knew. And no one even wants to see you naked. Now imagine you're Kate Bosworth. (Yay! You're so pretty!) You can't just crawl under a rock until the whole thing blows over. Not only that, but people are going to blame you for this, saying you were stupid for ever taking a photo of yourself naked. Meanwhile, it's not clear what's being done to stop the hackers, none of your private information feels private anymore, and your image is being used by men all over the globe who feel entitled to it just because it's online. Pretty shitty Monday, right?

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4. Ariana Grande, who apparently has such a bad attitude even her life coach quit.

(Getty)

Page Six reports that Ariana Grande is as big of a diva as she seems. In fact, she's such a brat that her life coach just couldn't take it anymore and quit. Her life coach. That's like someone's doctor saying, "I'm sorry, but this woman is so sick that I can't help her. Also, she's kind of a bitch." Now there's no one to keep the 21-year-old pop star "centered," which means, unfortunately, that she's probably about to become a lot more famous. She's already tweeting vague, passive aggressive messages to the haters:

(via)

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3. Joan Rivers' ghost, since Rick Perry is using her death to justify anti-abortion laws in Texas.

(Getty)

HB2 is a law that would require Texas abortion clinics to maintain the standards of ambulatory surgery centers, and would shut down half of the abortion clinics in the state. Speaking about the law Sunday at the Texas Tribune Festival, Governor Rick Perry cited Joan Rivers' death from complications of a vocal cord procedure. Perry said, "It was interesting that, when Joan Rivers, and the procedure that she had done where she died, that was a clinic. It's a curious thought that if they had had that type of regulations in place, whether or not that individual would be still alive." 

Leaving aside for the moment that those statements barely count as sentences, Perry's assertion that the 81-year-old Rivers' death after a totally different procedure has anything to do with abortion complications in young women is pretty bizarre. Not only that, but the place she was treated was actually an ambulatory surgery center! Rivers would probably have had some curse-laden words for Mr. Perry. In her absence, I'll just have to call him a prick. 

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2. 10 million people who just found out a new iPhone 6 won't make it all better.

Apple reports 10 million sales of the new iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus over the weekend, which means there are about 10 million people currently looking down at a little metal and glass box and wondering why they still feel so hollow inside. After all, they spent a lot of money and waited patiently to get this product before all of their friends. It's very shiny. The screen is substantially bigger. And yet. After a few hours of playing, that feeling was back—the nagging one that shows up just above their belly buttons sometimes. Usually, a venti no whip green tea latte is enough to beat the feeling back, but lately it's been lingering... Oh yeah, Nashville comes back this week! Woo!

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1. Aging fans of Friends, who are horrified the show is 20 years old today.

Today, Friends celebrates the 20th anniversary of its first episode, which aired September 22, 1994, a Thursday. Man, remember Thursday night Must See TV? Remember watching TV on TV at a particular time? Those were the days. Back then, anything seemed possible. We were all like Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Ross. Just doing our best to figure out who we were, with friends by our sides to get us through moves, career changes, and break-ups. Now look at us. We're still single, waiting tables to get by, and wading through a series of crappy relationships, but our Friends have all moved on. What's supposed to comfort us now? Two Broke Girls?!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Ready for his big break.

The goal of any acting audition is to make an impact. That was clearly what this unfortunate lad trying out for a Shakespeare production was thinking when he decided to incorporate an acrobatic move into the scene, and wound up going down like a Jenga tower and leaving an impact on the carpet.

Let's be honest, how many people were going to see this production? A few hundred, maybe? Plus, the fact that this kid even had a shot at a part is a sign that it wasn't going to be especially memorable. And that's being kind. Now, his painful fail has gone viral and will be seen by millions. So, in a way, you'd have to consider it a minor success. The scene could also come in handy on his acting reel if he's ever up for a part as a professional wrestler.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"No, no, no, nononononononono NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAaAAaaAaaaaa..."

There is nothing worse than dropping your phone (especially if you're the first person to ever get an iPhone 6 and you're on live TV) and feeling your stomach fall with it as you briefly wonder how bad the damage will be.

But how does your phone feel? Probably pretty terrified. It's a tiny, brittle little thing, and its internal gyroscopes (the things that detect if you're holding or tilting your phone vertically or horizontally) are spinning like crazy as they hurtle towards Earth. Now, however, you can give a voice to your scared little toy, thanks to redditor chewmeiser, who figured out a way to program the phone to give the famous Wilhem scream as it falls, an idea first proposed in the webcomic XKCD. Someone made a Vine of an early version of the tweak, although it is apparently better now at screaming as soon as it starts falling:

I'm sure it will be released as an app soon, but for now you kind of have to be a geek and follow chewmeiser's instructions or go to github and figure it out for yourself.

I'm just nodding and smiling and waiting for someone to sell it to me for $0.99.

This tweak does work on iPhone 5, but if you can't truly enjoy this without having the latest iPhone 6 or 6 Plus, you can kill time by listening to this comedian who prank-called Apple Support and asked them how he's supposed to kill time until his phone arrives.

Also, good news, Android fans: it looks like this app may already exist for you.

(by Johnny McNulty)

You know, with the green-eyed girl on the front?

You're gonna wish you had three hands. (Via Twitter)

Her name is Jasmine Tridevil. She's 21, from Tampa, Florida (of course), and her name isn't the only thing that's fake. She also has three breasts on purpose. She was born with two naturals and then, after being rejected by 50 surgeons, found one doctor at the bottom of the barrel who would stick a third one on her right in the middle.  

The doctor had to make that boob from scratch out of silicone, skin tissue from her stomach, and a mini-implant to create a protruding nipple. Later she had an areola tattooed on to complete the look.

As Miss Tridevil explained on The News Junkie program on Orlando radio station 104.1, the whole procedure cost her $20,000, and her doctor required that she sign a non-disclosure agreement protecting his identity so that he "wouldn't get in trouble."

But why, you ask yourself in your sane-person's head, would she do this?

She wants to become an MTV reality star. 

Third boob's a charm. (Via Facebook)

MTV hasn't signed on or anything, but she's hired a camera crew on her own to follow her around. 

Jasmine, if you haven't come up with a name for your show yet, may I suggest Three Boobs on a Little Lady? 

The show is going to be real, and it will be spectacular. Documenting her life as a three-breasted woman, she saved the moment she showed her mom what she had done for the cameras. This is sad for her family, but great for anyone who wants to see footage of her mom freaking out and running out the door. Her mom now refuses to speak to her, and will not let Jasmine's sister speak to her, either. 

She told her dad on camera, too. Apparently, he "really isn't happy."

Is she crazy? According to Tridevil, "I am crazy. But the crazy people don't know they're crazy, so technically since I know I'm crazy, I'm not crazy."

Gotta (third) hand it to her, that's the exact kind of irrational circular logic that is perfect for reality TV.

Television stardom is her goal now, but she claims that's not why she got the surgery. She says she is sick of dating, so she made herself "unattractive to men." She clearly underestimates man's motivation. 

On the plus, side, whoever created that three-boob-bra Etsy store finally has a customer base. 

And now, here's what you want most from a woman with three boobs: her voice.

(by Myka Fox)

Counter attack.

Curiosity didn't kill the cat in this case, but it did manage to scare the crap out of two high-strung whiners. You have to feel bad for the cat on the ground, who made an honest effort to ensure there was plenty of space on the counter before jumping up to catch a few rays. Unfortunately, it was a waste of time, because the cat napping on top was guarding that space like Kate Winslet door-hogging at the end of Titanic.

Maybe he just caught the napping cat at a bad time. Maybe the top cat is just a huge drama queen. Either way, even if it was a needlessly tragic scene, at least no one drowned.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I need to get myself a GoPro and some puppies, stat.

Okay, I was enjoying this video until I saw that no less than 24 people had taken it upon themselves to downvote it on YouTube. Seriously? Are these puppies not excited and curious enough for you? Do their ears not flap terrifically in the breeze as they go running by? I think maybe your expectations for puppy videos are just too damn high.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

You can't keep a good restaurant from keeping itself down.

Last week saw a Chinese food restaurant in San Francisco shut down in protest of its whiny customers, and now another SF restaurant is bad-mouthing itself in protest of stupid customers, their online presence, and the whole institution of Yelp.

Yelp is a scam that should have been left in the last decade, yet it still has a stranglehold over thousands of restaurants around the country. Most restauranteurs live in terror of the one-star reviews that will flood their page unless they pay Yelp a mafia-style protection fee. Not Bay Area trattoria Botto Bistro. They're channeling their hatred of Yelp and stupid customers into a wonderful campaign of self-promotion through self-sabotage.

Botto Bistro's owners and chefs, Davide Cerretini and Michele Massimo, had received one too many emails from Yelp demanding they buy ads to raise their ratings (and imply that their ratings will fall if they don't pay up). Cerretini and Massimo asked Yelp to remove them from the site entirely, which is one customer support email the ratings giant simply won't respond to. So, they're aiming to make their restaurant the worst-reviewed and least reliable Yelp page in the city of San Francisco.

By offering a 25% discount on any pizza and a chance at winning a spot in a cooking class in exchange for a 1-star review, Botto has turned its Yelp page into a wonderland of hyperbolically terrible customer complaints.

This isn't Botto's only delightfully antagonistic PR campaign. Check out their restaurant's website, which devotes its front page to mocking the dumb questions asked by customers on a regular basis.

"Who's first cook?" "Yes." "I mean the guy's name." "Who." "The first cook." "Who." "The first cook." "Who is first cook!" "What are you asking me for?!"

Not that Botto's owners can't envision a world in which Yelp would still be a good site. "The idea is fantastic, but the blackmailing thing is ferocious. I think I should be the one deciding if I’m on the site or not," Cerretini told Inside Scoop SF. "The only power they have is they make you reliable to them. So, I’m going to be one of the most unreliable restaurants. I want to be the worst restaurant there is in the Bay Area. I think this is the best business move I have made in years."

Apparently, business is up, and the owners have found that they like their new customers who have been drawn in by their F-U to Yelp. "We are not just getting new cusomers," said Cerretini, "but new friends who say they like this."

Consider the lobster ravioli. Too hard? Consider this squeaky ball. Good boy.

Yelp is not happy with them, although they've still declined to remove Botto's listing as asked. Instead, they've sent a sternly-worded letter warning them that they're violating Yelp's policies about offering rewards for reviews. "We got a threatening letter saying that we buy Yelp reviews—and we do. We buy bad reviews."

Read the letter: 

Hi Michele, 

I'm contacting you from the Yelp User Support Team because we've received complaints from the community that you may be offering incentives in exchange for reviews....To be clear, this violates our Terms of Service, and reviews written under such circumstances violate Yelp's Content Guidelines. We also often find from user feedback that such practices do more harm than good, as the practice creates distrust amongst customers and users who now eye all reviews on a listing with suspicion. If you are offering incentives in exchange for reviews, we ask that you immediately discontinue such activity. If we learn that this type of behavior has continued, we may take action on your Business Account which could include suspending access to your listing. It may also result in a Consumer Alert being placed on your listing. 

Regards,
Marvin Yelp Support

So, head on over to Botto's Yelp page (keep in mind that Yelp is rapidly deleting these "misleading" reviews), and help them dig their way out of the hole that all of America's eateries have gotten themselves into.

(by Johnny McNulty)

They're like sci-fi dubstep Koosh balls made of metal and nothing.

Music visualizers have come a long way since you could first download them for Winamp in the early aughts (remember Winamp? Did I just blow your mind again?). People have used the non-Newtonian fluid created out of cornstarch and water to create cool, gravity-defying displays set to music, but now gravity gives way to the forces of magnetism. This device, captured on video by MechaStewart, was created at Maker Faire NY, a giant expo bringing together tinkerers, inventors, and just plain cool people who know how to build things.

(by Johnny McNulty)

As long as no one in management watches this tape, they don't need to do anything.

This sketch from UCBComedy team Pocketwatch brings you the NFL's long-awaited comprehensive response to the horrifically violent behavior that plagues their players. In it, they lay out exactly what their positions are on domestic violence, assault, rape, murder, war crimes, the nude celebrity photo hacks, brain trauma, JFK's assassination and more. It's about time.

If you're hankering for some more satire about the NFL, you only have to wait for the season premiere of South Park this week:

(by Johnny McNulty)

Worms on TV are to frogs what laser pointers are to cats.

Don't let this happen again: you're having a frog party and you've run out of worms. Frogs check the fridge, look through empty worm boxes, and hop through the cabinets until, inevitably, all the frogs leave to go look for worms elsewhere. It's the same problem every time: once you're out of worms, you're all out of frogs to party with.

Finally, an answer is here. Joe Myers has created a television channel that will not only attract but also retain your frog guests. The worms look like worms because they are worms! Only they are on TV, so they can't go anywhere. Its a virtual worm fest for frogs and they love it. Forget trying to show them Game of Thrones, worms on camera is where it's at, and now only you and your cell phone battery decide when your frog party is over. 

 See for yourself as this frog party gets super crazy!

(by Myka Fox)