Polar Express
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A man loses a battle with a wasp's nest while his wife laughs at him.
Bungled sting operation.
The first sign things are probably not going to end well for this hapless guy attempting to take down a nest of wasps is when he suggests that the job should be handled by the cat, because "it's supposed to catch rodents." Factor in that the plan of attack appears to have been to poke the nest with a stick while wearing nothing but a polo shirt for protection, and you realize that this mission was probably doomed from the get-go. At least he had the good sense to have his wife film the procedure, so that this 1:30 clip may provide others with the knowledge of how not to take down a wasp's nest. The comedy/horror short is a slow burn for the first minute, but after that it becomes painfully funny.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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This mind-bendingly insane rap video uses nothing but stock footage of business people doing business stuff.
Straight outta compensation negotiations.
We've known since 1999's Office Space that you can make a pretty gangsta rap video out of some white-collar drones beating a copier with a baseball bat. We've known since the debut of "Wu-Tang Financial" that rappers make great investment advisors, and in the past few years the phrase "Like a boss" has imbued mid-level managers with a level of badassery like never before. Never, however, before this video, has hip-hop so thoroughly and amazingly mixed with the aggressively bland world of stock workplace footage—the kind of clips your company uses with a voiceover to make a cheap instructional video on the new HR regulations. When Peter Greenlees combined that footage with DJ Rashad's She A Go (ft. Spinn & Taso), the result is the kind of intimidating cool the rap game hasn't had in 20 years.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Woman arrested for smuggling $70,000 in cash in her stomach.
This money tastes like prison!
A new get rich quick diet just emerged from the Dominican Republic: instead of food, swallow 16 pills stuffed with $70,000. That's what one unnamed woman from Santo Domingo did after arriving to Punta Cana on a flight from Brussels.
According to the AP, National Drug Control Agency Spokesman Dario Medrano said that the money was most likely tied to drug trafficking, not weight-loss, but I don't see why it can't be both.
Dominican authorities say this is the first time anyone has tried to smuggle money in their stomachs. People trying to lose weight, on the other hand, have been eating paper for years.
The woman was also found with $69,000 in her suitcase, in case she got hungry again.
(by Myka Fox)
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Dartmouth's college newspaper issued the most epic correction in the history of newspaper corrections.
Fact: there is no non-sexual way to photograph a banana.
Hopefully, we won't have to correct this later, although if I find out there's been a more bizarre correction than this one, I won't really be upset. The Dartmouth is the school publication of Dartmouth College, the Ivy League university in New Hampshire with a reputation for political conservatism, long months of frigid cold, and serious drinking. Despite the fact that those three qualities are usually associated with schools having a strong Greek system (no one better to huddle up next to in a blizzard than your bros), the newspaper ran an op-ed last week calling for the end of the fraternity system, citing a hazing incident in which fraternity pledges were made to fellate an "ejaculating dildo." Except maybe not.
*"May have been".
Does it undermine the fact that pledging is humiliating, as well as simultaneously very homoerotic and very homophobic? Not really, but is it hilarious? Yes. Yes it is.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Walmart created a plus-sized amount of outrage with their "fat girl costumes" for Halloween.
From what fiery pit of hell did the "Lava Diva" brand emerge?
You would think that Walmart, of all American brands, would have an intuitive sense of how to sell things to the more ample-bodied among us without offending them. You would be wrong. Walmart's Halloween costumes section featured (until this afternoon) a section labeled "Fat Girl Costumes," including witches, French maids, clowns, and some sort of vague forest maiden. All of these actually cover most of the wearer's body, which would be a positive thing if non-slutty women's costumes weren't reserved solely for women whom Walmart apparently doesn't want to see dressed skimpily. Twitter user Kristyn Washburn seems to have been the first to notice this about a week ago:
.@Walmart Not sure labeling these as "Fat Girl Costumes" is the best approach. #rudehttp://t.co/UbDq6BpArvpic.twitter.com/SE5BjOUPFs
— Kristyn Washburn (@ItsWithaY) October 21, 2014
#Rude indeed. Walmart only gave Kristyn a polite brush-off on Twitter. After Kristyn brought it to the Internet's attention, however, the story eventually made its way to Jezebel, where Walmart was appropriately taken to task for being "the hottest of messes." Jezebel also discovered other bizarre Walmart Halloween offerings, from a slate of Native American costumes in bad taste to a truly baffling Marie Antoinette costume, the description for which is a series of typo-laden fat jokes.
Maybe a bigger question is why thin women can't wear these very normal costumes?
Eventually, Walmart saw the public reaction to Jezebel's piece and apologized on Twitter. They also spoke to Mashable, saying, "This never should have been on our site. It is unacceptable, and we apologize. We are working to remove it as soon as possible and ensure this never happens again.
@heartagramed This never should have been on our site. It is unacceptable, and we apologize. -Kinga
— Walmart (@Walmart) October 27, 2014
The section is, indeed, gone. Instead, they've renamed it the "Women's Plus-Sized Halloween Costumes" section... which apparently tried to solve the problem by mixing in not-plus-sized costumes? I'm not a retail expert, but can someone explain to me why you can't make a costume in a range of sizes? Maybe thin women would appreciate the full-body, non-latex costumes they only seem to offer to the plus-sized customers?
"You can be a slut or be a plus, it's totally up to you." - Walmart
I mean, I know that sounds crazy. I must be wrong. Let's just keep doing everything the same every year forever.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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The Sixth Sense
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National anthem
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Firefighters rescued a horse from an Arizona swimming pool.
Even more shocking, it is currently 85 degrees in AZ.
According to AZ Family, the firefighters thought they were receiving a prank call Saturday when they were asked to help rescue a horse from a swimming pool, a sort of next level cat-out-of-tree situation. When they got there, they realized they had a very soaked equine on their hands. Apparently, 12-year-old "Stormy" belongs to the homeowners and is allowed to roam freely around their property.
You finally get a horse, name him "Stormy," and then you let him go in the swimming pool? Nay!
Stormy was in the shallow end, and after seeing so many images of horses running through rivers you would think he would have been able to rescue himself, but AZ Central reports that he was "distressed by the incident" and needed to be tranquilized by a vet before firefighters could try to help him.
The team managed to lift him out and get him onto the cool decking, when one of the firefighters can clearly be heard asking, "Now what?"
They dragged the drugged Equine to the property's pasture where he slept off the drugs and is now reported to be fine.
Of course, of course.
Now get a gate around that pool, you crazy kids!
(by Myka Fox)
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A dad and his 3-year-old daughter team up to create the creepiest Halloween photos ever.
A commute from hell.(via)
Many parents get into Halloween with their kids, but few take it as seriously as, or do it better than Kansas artist Aaron Marable and his daughter Edith. Together, they create scary photographs that would not only frighten children, but might leave many parents lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling in fear. Fear that the Halloween projects they've created with their children look like an amateurish waste of time by comparison. Bwahahahahaha!
When Edith was an infant, Marable was spending a lot of time caring for her, and decided to combine his passions by involving his daughter in a creative project. Since then, the Halloween photos have become an annual tradition. Mom even helps with the lighting, making it a frightening family affair.
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This would be creepy with just the wall photo.
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The Halloween she went as Oscar the Grouch.
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Hangin' with Dad.
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The Extreme Time-Out.
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The Un-dead Ballerina.
You can see more of the Marable's macabre Halloween photos here.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Sick man snores like a duck that swallowed a kazoo.
I hope you feel better when you wake up. I also hope you realize you're too old for
whatever the heck is on your carpets.
Josip Cvitan, the man-sized baby you see slumbering here, uploaded this video his friend shot of him while he was sleeping off some kind of illness that left his throat very swollen. Apparently, a swollen throat can turn you into a human kazoo if it's bad enough, because this is not the sort of noise people are supposed to make.
That's a duck noise. That's a noise that should firmly be in the avian family, specifically waterbirds. He sounds fowl, is what I'm saying.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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A cab driver did something nice for a stranger before realizing that stranger was Tom Hanks.
T.Hanks, bro.
Tom Hanks has a brutal stranglehold on the title of America's Most Famously Nice Celebrity, and he works relentlessly at keeping it. Today, another story of just how unstoppably kind and friendly Tom Hanks is emerged on the blog Humans of New York, except this time it had the added twist of also being a story about how even very put-upon, stressed-out NYC cab drivers can do nice things for a random Joe who turns out to be a very famous Tom.
Ugh. It's so classy and nice, it makes me want to spit. Where do these people get off, reminding me to be humble and nice in my own life? How does Tom Hanks live with himself, knowing how many people he makes feel inadequate? Monsters, the lot of 'em.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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It took this dad way too long to figure out that his daughter is pregnant.
The classic "Let's Pretend We're Pregnant" photography pose.
So, here's the story: this pregnant woman and her husband thought it would be a fun idea to pretend that they were taking still photos with the woman's father, while they're really shooting video. The plan was to slide in a few clues about the baby-to-be and capture the moment when the guy figured out that he was gonna be a grandfather.
The first hint is subtle, and it goes right over his head. The next is less so, but dad is far too busy laughing and having fun to do the math, so he misses that one, too. Next comes a kind of obvious one; he doesn't catch it. Eventually, they just flat out tell him. Somehow, that doesn't work either:
It might take him a while to get there, but he sure is having the time of his life on the way over.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Sharing love.
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Someone set video of old white folks dancing in the '60s to hip-hop music, and the result is mesmerizing.
It was not the quiet night you're imagining.
Redditor lesmullet's husband had some silent footage of his grandparents partying in the 1960s, so naturally he thought it would be hilarious to set it to hip-hop. In his version, the drunk, lurching dancers get down to Wiz Khalifa's "Black & Yellow." And man, can these old white people party. There's semi-nudity, ass grabbing, drinking, smoking, and lots of awkward dancing. The fezzes indicate at least some of these folks were Shriners, which explains a lot.
They originally set the video to YG's "My Nigga," but "felt weird about releasing that version to the public" (but you can experience it here!).
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Unbelievably horrible driver hits neighboring car 15 times while trying to back his Hyundai out of a space.
Cut the wheel! Cut the goddamned wheel!(via NBC News)
It's not often that you see someone operating a vehicle and you think, "I really hope that driver is drunk." But it applies to this video below. If the driver of this silver Hyundai is sober, everyone needs to get the hell off the road right now. No one is safe.
This security video, recorded in China, of a driver's ten-minute long attempt to back out of a parking space, has already gone viral. The driver hits the neighboring car 15 times, prompting Chinese media to identify him with the distinction of "Worst Driver In China."
Not even a note?
According to the NY Daily News, the driver was later arrested. Hopefully, this motorist will now be demoted to "Worst Driver Riding The Bus."
(by Bob Powers)
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Wild Hogs on the hunt for candy may force town to cancel Halloween.
Hide your kids, hide your wives, these hogs are eating all the candy up in here.
(Via WESH)
Brevard County Florida is being threatened by a hog infestation. Wild hogs have been seen in the neighborhood digging up grass and —gasp— crossing the road, all activities that are causing the homeowners association to consider canceling Halloween.
These hogs answer to no farmer and have been on the loose digging up the yards of 17 homes. Wildlife trapper James Dean (swoon) reports to WESH Orlando that, "Some of the homeowners are telling me they're walking out on the sidewalk, they're pooping, they're crossing the road."
James Dean explains how the hogs stole Halloween. (Via WESH)
But why did the hogs cross the road?
The homeowner's association thinks that they are "on the hunt for snacks," and that come Halloween, "trick-or-treaters could run afoul of a toothy wild boar."
The largest of the local beasts was reported to be about 350 lbs, which means it will take many pillow cases full of Snickers to satisfy one. Unless they want their next headlines to be "Gored by boars," the association is considering canceling Halloween.
Traps were set with corn, and now these hogs have a taste for corn's candy counterpart.
(Via WESH)
But you can't just cancel Halloween, that's how the hogs win!
Dean is not giving up All Hallows Eve without a fight. He's been setting giant traps and although he has already caught 8 hogs this week, he's sure there's more. Come Wednesday, Dean says, "What we'll do is come in... with a pack of dogs that will actually catch the hogs and at least scare them further away from the residents around here."
Look out, people who live just outside of this neighborhood. The hogs are coming into your town, scared by dogs, and hungry for your children's candy.
(by Myka Fox)
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Work in progress.
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'Thriller' in the style of 20 different artists.
I want to be at this party.
Anthony Vincent is the man behind the voices of Ten Second Songs, a YouTube channel where he covers famous songs in the styles of a variety of other artists in—you guessed it—ten-second increments. Vincent apparently has received a lot of requests that he do "Thriller" in the past, but he decided to wait for a seasonably appropriate moment. What's your favorite of his covers? I'm partial to Jack Skellington, but maybe you're more of a Busta Rhymes Halloween person.
Here's a full list of the artists covered in the video:
1.) Michael Jackson
2.) The Misfits (circa 1980)
3.) Marilyn Manson
4.) Spice Girls (Scary Spice)
5.) Stevie Wonder
6.) Ozzy Osbourne
7.) Tom Waits
8.) Oingo Boingo
9.) Cannibal Corpse
10.) Bobby "Boris" Pickett & The Crypt-Kickers
11.) The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra (The Omen Soundtrack)
12.) Rick Astley
13.) Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack)
14.) Rob Zombie
15.) Harry Belafonte (Beetlejuice Soundtrack)
16.) Tenacious D
17.) Type O Negative
18.) Busta Rhymes
19.) Avenge Sevenfold
20.) Robert Johnson
And here's a "making of" video breaking down Vincent's process. Follow TenSecondSongs on Twitter or subscribe on YouTube.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Accountant
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