Shake it off the air, please.

Dan Thorn and Sarah Pisciuneri are weekend anchors for West Virginia CBS affiliate 59 News, and as weekend anchors, it's their responsibility to have a little fun at their desks. Well, it appears to be Dan's responsibility, anyway, while Sarah's responsibility is to refrain from bashing him over the head with a teleprompter as he jams out to Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" like a dad who is having a great time embarrassing his kids, if his kids were everyone in West Virginia.

Yes, he did crack a smile out of Sarah at the end, and maybe it was a bit, but on the other hand, I would have forced a grin as well. This is apparently Dan's "thing," as the Brooklyn native has busted out his dance moves while irritating Pisciuneri more than once, most notably to T.I.'s "Where They At, Doe?"

None of this compares to what happens when Sarah isn't around, in which case Dan is apparently allowed to go on a green-screen dance adventure across the Mountain State, while grooving to the late, great James Brown.

With a face like Dan's, though, no amount of dancing will ever shake off that goofy smile. I mean that in a good way. Keep on making great local news, you two.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is the least bizarre image in the commercial.

In case you're not familiar with them, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are a couple of brilliant weirdos who have created a number of brilliantly weird television shows, one brilliantly weird movie and, occasionally, some brilliantly weird commercials, such as this weirdly brilliant one for G.E., featuring Jeff Goldblum.

Apparently, some people in the Totino's marketing department decided that utter bafflement mixed with a vague sense of repulsion was just the thing they needed to move some pizza rolls. So, they hired Tim & Eric and gave them carte blanche. What Tim & Eric delivered cannot be described in one of your human languages: 

I've never worked in the ad business, so excuse my ignorance, but is "disturbing" a good word to associate with a food stuff?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A penguin who stepped on a Lego would not have happy feet.

John Lewis, an upscale British department store, released their annual Christmas advertisement today, and it is unbelievably adorable. A little boy plays with his best friend, Monty the Penguin, but devoted Monty is distracted by the examples of romantic love he sees everywhere. Eventually, the charming little boy realizes his pal Monty needs a lady friend, and on Christmas morning, that's just what Monty gets. Monty is revealed to be a stuffed animal as the little boy's mum looks on lovingly, and the chords from John Lennon's "Real Love" fade into the background. 

Watch, and see if you can make it through without crying:

Feeling nostalgic for something you can't quite define? So is everyone else. The rollout of the commercial was perfect. It already has nearly 3 million views on YouTube, and the accompanying fake Twitter accounts for Monty The Penguin and his girlfriend Mabel have 15,000 followers between them. 

But luckily for us, there are some very cynical people out there. People who couldn't just let a saccharine commercial be. They had to mess with the video and turn it into something else entirely. 

The first parody, from YouTube user Jon Harvey, turns Monty into a horrible monster by pairing the video with audio from the trailer for The Babadook, an Australian horror movie.

Sinister. 

And here's one starring British comedian Chris Cohen, who adds a voiceover of the penguin's goofy, horny thoughts.

Finally, here's a public service announcement decrying the suburban slavery of innocent penguins, forced to bounce against their will and do tasks that, well, you really need hands for.

There are undoubtedly lots more out there and more to come in the next few days. Let us know if you see any good ones. We'll be sitting here, thinking about John Lennon and Christmas and being sad.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

He's the show's Kramer.

Last night at around 4 AM, Adult Swim aired the opening credits to a sitcom called Too Many Cooks. It had a catchy theme song, and what has to be the largest cast in the history of television. Then those opening credits just kept opening...and opening...and opening...

An entire world contained in a credit sequence, people and their names bound together at the clavicle forever and ever, always leering toward the camera, winking and looking at Dad with comic disdain, until the sky swallows the sand. Kind of brilliant? The most brilliant thing ever? Or maybe just one too many...COOKS!

(by Bob Powers)

I wonder whether Edward would turn into Buffy goo or Twilight sparkles.

Tipping is very important to our society. Without it, we wouldn't be able to pay people inhumanly low wages—one of the founding principles of America. So, to keep everything running along correctly, we all give a certain amount of our inhumanly low wages to the people with really inhumane wages so that we can still get someone to make the overpriced coffee that keeps our eyelids from collapsing at our own jobs. Of course, if you're wealthy, these tips don't really mean much, which is why they tend to make servers work so much harder for it.

Just shut up and give them your money, Fry. 

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Not sure how this encourages tips, but delightful nonetheless.

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Which, at this point, would be a big improvement for both characters.

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Bowser is a serial kidnapper, so this is really among his less-offensive behaviors.

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She's looking down because it's also acceptable just to show her your butt.

Nobody is more excited for the Breaking Bad premiere than the tip jar at Dos Toros Taqueria.

A photo posted by Nate Dern (@natedern) on Aug 8, 2013 at 10:19am PDT

Updated 9/5/14:

Truly, we live in a brave and exciting time.  

I hope they accept brains as a tip, because this just blew my mind.

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I assure m'lady that I respect her more than any of the presidents on money. Really.

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Found at a college pizza place. Also, anywhere modern 20-somethings live.

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Science has shown that Squirtle is objectively the best, but hey, people like fire.

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Depends on which model of the USS Enterprise you are attempting to depict. 

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Apparently, someone read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and wisely gave a towel.

Updated 7/2/14:

This is the most perfect one-line summary of working in the service industry, ever. 

He looks a lot like Sad Keanu. ...And Keanu plays Neo, aka The One... *mind explodes*
 

That's BULLCRAP, Vader! We know you're just saving up for Death Star Three.
 

Ah HA! I TOLD YOU! Caught red-handed, mister. Or, red-disfigured-robo-handed, anyway.
 

-10 points for grossness, but +5 for having customers willing to read all of that.
 

You know, sometimes a straight-up "fuck yeah, money!" tip jar is better than any pun.

Updated 11/08/13:

But, what if I were to offer you a major tip augmentation?
 

Broke, addicted to drugs and having unsafe well-endowed sex is no way to go through life.
 

If you've got the cash to worry about boats capsizing, you can afford to tip.
 

So THAT's where that went.
 

It even has a working drawbridge in the back. Not really, but that would be neat. Legos!
 

Ohhhhhhhhh. I never could understand that lyric.
 

How's that hopey-tippy thing working out for you? Well? Oh. Ok, then.

Updated 10/04/13:

Maybe this tip jar will succeed where Sinead O'Connor failed.
 

Sadly, all the customers who might be sympathetic were home playing GTA V.
 

Baristas are like those tribal healers who absorb your pain and sickness for you.
 

Finding Mo-Ne.
 

Despite their slow land speeds, Sloths are excellent rocket pilots.

Updated 9/09/13:

If I could travel back in time, I'd stand behind Hitler in a cafe and tap my foot until he tipped.
 

Topical tipping? Typical.
 

Just slide that hot pizza grease all over my OW! OWOWOWO! OOOOUUUUCCCH HOT!
 

The ol' stick-it-to-the-man pitch. Real convincing, lemonade stand. "Boss"? More like "Dad."
 

Kitty's looking a little crosseyed to be holding such a sharp sword.
 

 
Just because he stopped wanting to go doesn't mean we can't still send him.

Updated 8/6/13: 

Sadly, Predator seems to have intercepted all the tips here.
 

Where is Sally Struthers when you most need her?
 

George Lucas must shop here, because no one else has a problem with Han shooting first.
 

Every time you don't tip, his agent picks a script at random.
 

I don't always draw the Most Interesting Man in the World, but when I do, he looks way different.
 

Idiots. Lord of the Rings is what happens when you graduate from Hogwarts.

Updated 7/05/13:

Though they have repressive policies, the sea monsters are staunch War on Terror allies.
 

It's really unfair that those mullets are assigned to kids already wearing top-to-bottom denim.
 

His French Roast style is no match for my Frozen Mochachino.
 

No one has ever gotten pissed enough to write more than a $20 complaint...yet.
 

This would be a lot cooler if dolphins weren't serial rapists. Seriously, Google it.
 

All tips welcome, including the tips of toes.
 

Careful, the $10 in Tupac's jar is actually just a hologram.
 

Sadly, this jar only went on to be a one-tip wonder.
 

Is this that one where the tips monster attempts racial cleansing of mudbloods?
 

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of gratuity.
 

I guess the previous tip drive for Walt to build a woman was successful.
 

Wow, either that currency is really weak or someone really agrees with Mr. Obama.
 

And if you're tipping under $1, it's also literally metal.
 

Paul Rudd. Baby seals grow up to be adults, but Paul Rudd will turn into a lemur in 2052.

Too fantastic for football.(via Instagram)

A female Serbian soccer reporter was repeatedly asked to leave the field during games because her hotness was too big of a distraction for players on Red Star Belgrade.

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A photo posted by Srećkovićeva (@sreckoviceva) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:14am PDT

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Katarina Srekovic (pronounced "Meelosevitch"), 25, covers games for a show about the team, but players were so flustered by her beauty that they could barely answer her questions. This made them look stupid, unlike athletes with male sideline interviewers, who are known for their eloquence.

Srekovic, who is a huge fan of Red Star Belgrade, told the local media she was "asked to go away a couple of times because I was a distraction on the pitch, and players complained that they couldn't concentrate." But she added, "I think they've got used to me now."

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A photo posted by Srećkovićeva (@sreckoviceva) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:59am PDT

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Good for them. I'm guessing this is not a problem Tony Siragusa has to deal with very often.

(by Shira Rachel Danan) 

This would have never happened at Wendy's. (Via Getty Images)

And now, the most pathetic first date story ever told. A man took a woman on a date to Arby's and it ended in a $2 robbery.

Jeffrey Mack, 23, a man trying to date online in North Plains, Oregon, and Heather Dureen Hegre, 20, a woman whose name could be confused with a palindrome, decided to meet in person after connecting on the free dating website meetme.com. 

They say the first time you meet someone from online it should be at a public spot, and the two really nailed that by agreeing to meet up at a local Arby's. No one would recommend getting in a car with a stranger, and yet, that's what Hegre did. KCRA reports that Hegre joined Mack in his car so he could take her through the drive-thru. 

Mack was the complete gentleman, though, and bought her a milkshake (nothing for himself, thanks). He paid the teller with a five dollar bill and put his two dollars change back in his wallet on the dash. That's when Hegre snatched his wallet and ran away into the night with it, revved up like a deuce. 

Cops later tracked Hegre to her mini-van, where she apparently does a lot of drugs. Among a mess of hypodermic needles, jars of hash oil, and maybe a little meth, police found Mack's wallet still containing the two dollars. It was all the money he had.  

Now Hergre is facing charges of theft and drug possession, all for two measly dollars (and a bunch of hypodermic needles, some jars of hash oil, and some meth).

For anyone out there who may be considering a life of crime, please, take my advice. If you want to rob someone on a first date, don't rob someone without any money. Beyond it being morally reprehensible, it's just bad business. Get off the free dating sites and head to the paid ones like Match.com. That's where all the rich suckers are.  

(by Myka Fox)

I was forced to become an international celebrity overnight and all I got was this ugly sweater promoting the Ellen show and a new iPad. 

All this week, #AlexFromTarget has been trending ever since someone took his photo while he was bagging at Target and posted it to Twitter.

The pic that started it all.

This picture got shared hundreds of thousands of times, gaining fans as it made the rounds, and since then he's become a total phenomenon. He has received marriage proposals, parody accounts, and his girlfriend even received death threats, all because someone took his picture and posted it without him even knowing. His rocketing popularity is so strange that even a marketing agency tried to take credit for the random success, but they were lying. There was no marketing campaign. The weirder truth is that Alex's fame is just a fluke. 

Now, for the first time, we get to find out what this bizarre experience was actually like for the totally unsuspecting kid, when Ellen Degeneres interviewed him on her show.

The most compelling thing about his interview is how very normal he is. Good-looking, sure, but totally without the adverse effects of fame. When Ellen pushes him to reveal his secret talents, he says it has been brought to his attention that he is "really good at bagging groceries."

Ellen seems almost frustrated by his random fame, urging him to develop some musical skills so that the pop star status the public has bestowed on him doesn't go to waste.

(I started the clip from when he comes out, but if you want more of his back story you should start from the beginning.)

I think Alex really summed up the whole crazy experience when he said, "I mean... yeah."

(by Myka Fox)

As if being arrested for meth wasn't bad enough, this is the font that the Sheriff's Department uses to report your crime on Facebook.

Lots of people will wear a shirt that says something like "D.A.R.E. to share your drugs with me" or some other barely-edgy pro-drug statement, but it takes a rare kind of cuckoo to wear a shirt that directly professes a love for America's skankiest chemical cocktail: crystal methamphetamine. Only the cream of the crop (or the purest of the batch, in this case), however, would go so far as to be involved in selling crystal while wearing an "I <3 CRYSTAL METH" shirt. That special person is Debra Delane Asher, who was arrested this week and charged (along with a Richard Jeffrey Rice, who wasn't wearing anything interesting) with possession and first-degree trafficking of a controlled substance. She was also charged and found guilty with possessing the potential to go viral online after the sheriff posted her photo to Facebook:

If people wearing hilariously appropriate shirts while they get arrested is a thing you like, why not check out our startlingly large collection of morons who ended up in that exact same situation.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. SCOTUS Is Going To Have To Decide On Gay Marriage Whether It Wants To Or Not

A federal judge from the 6th US Circuit Court of Appeals upheld gay marriage bans in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee, thus pretty much guaranteeing that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy—as the court's sole swing voter—will have to decide the matter on a national scale. This will also give Justice Antonin Scalia an opportunity to oppose marriage equality in defiance of every other legal decision he's made in the course of his career.

Procreation argument cited in 6th Circuit ruling against gay marriage which means you unmarried infertile couples better not get any ideas.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) November 6, 2014

2. GOP Hasn't Even Officially Taken Over Senate Yet, And It Already Returned Unemployment Rates To Pre-Obama Levels

It hasn't even been a week since the Republican Party wrested control of the Senate away from the Democrats, and we're already seeing the unemployment rate drop down to 5.8 percent, the lowest it's been since July 2008, way back before Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential primary. Expect plenty of commentators on Fox News to make this eminently salient point.

Can't collect unemployment cause I have a butt that just won't quit :[

— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) October 29, 2014

3. Pixar Announces It's Going To Break Your Heart For Fourth Time With New 'Toy Story' Movie

You've now had seven years to recover from the gut-wrenching denouement of the original Toy Story trilogy, so it's probably time to put yourself through the wringer all over again. Pixar has just announced that it will be releasing a brand new installment to the series in 2017. That gives you about three years to practice your not-crying face.

Disney's purchase of Lucasfilm means Toy Story 4 could potentially have an all-Star Wars Figure cast.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) November 7, 2014

4. Channing Tatum Now Officially Cool, Joins Cast Of New Tarantino Film

It is suddenly totally fine for straight dudes all over the world to stare longingly into the deep folds of muscle tone belonging to exotic-dancing Magic Mike star Channing Tatum. The chiseled-from-alabaster actor has just joined Kurt Russell, Tim Roth, Samuel L. Jackson and a bunch of already-bro-acceptable actors in Quentin Tarantino's upcoming film, The Hateful Eight.

In twenty years Quentin Tarantino is going to cast Martin Lawrence as an old kung fu master and I'm just gonna love the shit out of it.

— Paul Danke (@pauldanke) February 14, 2014

5. New 'Star Wars' Movie To Continue Proud Tradition Of Crappy Titles

The people behind the beloved space opera film series that gave us such classic titles as A New Hope, The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones just announced the newest silly-sounding title that we'll all eventually get used to: The Force Awakens. Don't worry; eventually, you'll forget how underwhelming that is. Kind of like how you forgot how awful the name Star Wars actually is.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens? Guess it slept through the prequels too.

— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) November 7, 2014

Forgive me, because I'm twelve, but "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" sure does sound like it's about morning wood.

— Krister Johnson (@KristerJohnson) November 7, 2014

STAR WARS VII: THE FORCE SLEPT ON ITS ARMS LAST NIGHT SO DON'T THROW IT THAT LIGHTSABER JUST YET

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 7, 2014

Imagine having a strong opinion about the name of the new Star Wars movie.

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) November 7, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Child must be Aryan/demonic. (screengrab via Jezebel)

A Cleveland man in search of a job is trying to better his starting salary offer by finding a fake family to pose for photos with him. For some reason, the man believes that being a married family guy will earn him a better salary.

He explains:

Two things have become quite clear to me: The business world will do everything in it's power to pay young professionals entering the working world as little as possible, and people are always a sucker for cute kids. I have personally witnessed many cases of favoritism towards married employees or employees with children, the idea being that they have more of an incentive to be a devoted worker then others might and are therefore deserving of a better wage regardless of actual performance. The internet has loosely confirmed this.

Oh, well, if the Internet loosely confirmed it, then it must be true. Naturally, he turned to Craigslist, where he posted an ad (since flagged for removal) for "woman+child for photo shoot to pose as my fake family." Specifically, he wants a woman around his age (mid-20s) and a baby who shares his "Aryan ancestry." 

As compensation, he offers "$75, plus $100 for each subsequent photo shoot." Yes, he expects multiple photo shoots. His plan is to create a fake online identity using these pictures, about six months before he starts his job hunt. That will make his fake family seem more realistic. After he gets the job, all the photos will be "immediately deleted," and he'll never, ever speak of his family again. 

If anyone ever asks what happened to them, maybe he can get fake friends to write fake condolences on a fake Facebook wall. There probably are some savvy babies out there on Craigslist right now looking for an easy way to make some cash for themselves and their moms, but something tells me this plan might not work.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Neither has any idea what that thing is.

Ally the baby thinks her dog Day is a real moron. Everyone knows you can't pounce on a shadow, silly puppy! Shadows are our benevolent gray overlords coming to check up on us during bouncy time. Duh. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Nothing says "family" like gathering around the cylinder.

The people whose jobs require them to get excited about new gadgets are, indeed, very excited about Amazon's new Echo gadget, a talking column that basically acts as a non-moving Siri connected to your whole house. You give it a name (in the case of this commercial, Alexa), and then you ask it stuff. After the failure of their Fire phones and tablets, Amazon is clearly pushing hard for this to be the next big thing, which is why they released a really awkward, long video of a family interacting with it. They may want to reconsider their strategy after watching this parody version from redditor The_Invicible (or YouTube user Barry Manifold, who may be the same person), because most people may actually prefer this sarcastic, imperfect version when choosing a new digital member of the family.

For comparison, here's the original commercial, which is longer and full of awkward silence:

As weird as all of this is, none of it compares to the ultra-bizarre sitcom credit sequence that Adult Swim broadcast at 4 a.m. Thursday morning, Too Many Cooks, that has been sweeping the web ever since.

(by Johnny McNulty)