Your butt. Poop is in your* butt.

"I'm lacking vitamin D" might be the best, most underutilized excuse for not completing an assignment correctly that a kid has ever used. Grayson, son of redditor nerge, used it to explain to his teacher why his spelling assignment looked more like the thoughts of an anxious constipated person.

Nerge says that Grayson is no slouch in the academic department. He "spends his chore money on things like visual encyclopedias of human anatomy and chooses science documentaries over cartoons." But the kid obviously has a terrifically weird sense of humor, too.

This doting redditor was actually a little proud of his son's work. His writing "does have a strange and sort of beautiful cadence, doesn't it?" Grayson's extremely patient parent marvels. I don't know about that, but to be fair, Grayson did spell every single one of those practice words correctly. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

I bet he stole a bathrobe, too.

Don't go out partying in hotel rooms with Kevin unless you want to f@&king crazy, man. You can barricade yourself in the closet behind a cot, you can beg and plead, "Dude! No! Kevin," but Kevin is gonna do what Kevin is gonna do.

Kevin doesn't give a f@&k. 

(Click the speaker on the lower right for sound.)

(by Myka Fox)

"Thanks for the lunch, nerd."

I don't mean to be speciesist, but it's a pretty commonly held belief that camels are the biggest jerks in the entire animal kingdom. Don't take my word for it. Go ask the next horse you run into. Or a sheep or a pig. Hell, you can even ask an alpaca. Alpacas are huge d-bags, and even they'll tell you that they ain't got nothing on camels.

So, when you're watching this video of a camel just casually ambling up to some tourist in a car and stealing his lunch without a second thought, realize that this is just normal camel behavior:

So, think twice before leaving your meals unattended near a camel. Actually, unless you're a Bedouin nomad, maybe don't go near camels at all.

And definitely don't take selfies near camels:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Doesn't this picture help a bit on its own?

You had a long day at work, didn't you? Maybe Old Man Boss Guy was on your back about your numbers being too low or too high or whatever bosses get mad about. Maybe the commute home was a real bear, possibly because there was actually a real bear on the road blocking up traffic.

Wouldn't it be nice to just take off your shoes, sit down in a transparent cube and allow a stream of fluffy kittens to wash all over you? Kind of like this:

Unfortunately, I don't think this is an actual service that most cities provide for their residents. Which is a bummer, but also kind of understandable. I imagine it would take an unwieldy amount of kittens to calm down everyone here in Chicago. And New York—I don't think there are enough cats to handle that amount of cumulative stress. They'd probably have to swap out some kittens with rats. Though, getting locked in a box with a bunch of rats is pretty much what the MTA subway experience already is, and that doesn't seem to be helping. So, I don't know.

Anyway, my point is that you're probably not going to find one of these kitten therapy booths near you, so you might want to give this virtual kitten therapy video a shot:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Next stop, Consumption Junction!

Do you know someone who's so into barbecuing they annoy everyone at cookouts by bragging about their grill? Well, send them this video to let them know there's an old dude with a replica steam engine BBQ smoker that makes their grill look like an Easy-Bake Oven.

Redditor DrewCIL says the guy in the video is his dad, a retired iron worker who lives in Illinois, and built the behemoth from scratch. The grill he spent three years working on has a bell, a whistle, a valve to relieve steam pressure, with "four wheels back, four wheels forward." Basically, it's a gorgeous, 2-ton noisemaker that cooks chicken.

The most entertaining part of the reddit post is the description, where DrewCIL says his dad was hoping the video goes "venereal."

He meant "viral." Either way, it's spreading.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"X" marks the spot that proves this is not Kaci. (Via Herobuilders)

Remember Kaci Hickox? She was the Maine nurse who refused to submit to a quarantine after returning from Sierra Leone where she was selflessly treating patients with Ebola. Doll manufacturersHerobuilders is making sure you never forget her, because they've made an Ebola nurse doll, "Kace-E" to have as a keepsake.

Whether this is a wonderful honor commemorating her efforts or a beyond tacky attempt to monetize a tragic epidemic is up to you. I'd say the decision would be up to Kaci, only WMUR says the people at Herobuilders insist this doll wan't modeled after her. She is just an "Ebola Nurse Action Figure (Just in time for the holidays only $29.95)."

Possible. There have been many nurses who have helped treat Ebola patients in West Africa. But just to jog the old brain, here's a picture of Miss Hickox.

I couldn't find any picture of her wearing her rockin' midriff, but I think we have a match.
(Via Getty Images)

Yeah... I'm going to go ahead and say that's her, and possibly even better. I'm sure Kaci would have loved to come home with this certificate guaranteeing her to be 100% Ebola free. It would have saved her and the press a lot of hassle. 

Only good for 2014. Doll may need to be re-certified in the new year. (Via Herobuilders)

Civil rights cases surrounding the brave men and women who are doing their part to help people may come and go, but this plastic figurine will last at least as long as the deadly disease rages on or your money back.*

*Money-back guarantee is a rhetorical gesture made by this author and is not backed by Herobuilders or their affiliates.

(by Myka Fox)

Tape got your tongue?

It's anyone's guess as to why this cat sticks its tongue out whenever it hears the sound of packing tape. While you're at it, feel free to take a stab at why it's so damn funny. And how much friggin' tape does this woman need? Is she boxing a piano? Whatever is going on, the cat's reaction to the sound is so odd that it almost looks fake. But someone actually taking the time to create this would be way weirder than a cat sticking its tongue out at the sound of packing tape. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

It's wrong and it's soggy. (via)

Kids are shockingly disgusting, perverse, and inappropriate. They're also our future. So we should probably pay attention to the weird messages they're passing to each other during class, because someday they'll be teachers, cops, and senators still passing poorly spelled notes with overtly sexual content. Here are some of the best kids' notes we've ever seen, and by best we mean they'll make you question ever having children.

'
And as soon as Rachel finds this, Carl will be dead.(via)

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Might be coming on a little strong there.(via)

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Then who is reading this? Ooweeooo. (via)

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Glad to hear summer camp is going well, Josh. (via)

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Dinosaurs prefer top saurusloin. (via)

Updated 10/10/14:

And just how do you feel about your dad?(via)

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Cock and moshmebs sounds like a recipe for disaster! (via)

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Alright, I'll crush him. But only because you used the magic word. (via)

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It's not what you said. It's what you didn't say. (via) 

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Subtitle: "A True Story." (via)

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He left her for someone who can spell "you're." (via)

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Updated 9/11/14:

Come on, everyone spells that wrong. (Via)

Should have gotten extra credit for the accurate looking bong, though. (Via)

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Kid's favorite foods are never good for them. (Via)

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Maybe Long Island Medium can find out why she named her kid Rad. (Via)

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Hopefully he didn't figure this all out in one evening. (Via)

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That's why he wears that hat. (Via)

Updated 8/14/14:

Should have just picked one. (Via)  

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But if you do ever want to sniff my fart, you know where to find me. (Via) 

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Now he is the head of Monsanto. (Via)

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P.P.S. Fuck Fun Friday (Via)

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Sincerely, Tara Reid (Via)

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Better check those brakes. (Via)

Updated 7/10/14:

This kid writing to his parents is really getting a jump on his teen years. (Via)

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All day long? How does she find the time to teach? (Via)

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She did say balls. The kid is human.(Via) 

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She was trying to write "cute"? I hope? (Via)

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If it makes you feel better, everyone living is also dying.(Via)

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Seriously, Valerie. Run girl! (Via)

Updated 5/22/14:

She really needs to find a job where her boss respects her.(via)

Blunt, but concise. (via)

Dr. Lawrence has excellent handwriting for a doctor. (via)

At least she told you where she was. (via)

On the other hand, you may look handsome. Who is Nicholas to say? (via)

Better you learn now that it's a crul, crul world. (via)

Updated 4/24/14:

You'll get your diamond earrings when you start flossing, kid. (via)

That's cool. It happens. (via)

Kids these days can't even spell "cunt." (via)

TV will keep your teacher from being lonely, don't worry. (via)

And hopefully studying my dictionary. (via)

Well that's just a reasonable request. (via)

Updated 3/31/14:

You go girl. (via)

A simple, but effective plan. (via) 

Adults these days are horrible spellers. (via)

Always vomit with caution, young one! (via)

Inconsistently and with lots of scratching? (via)

There's an implicit threat of bodily harm in this note that makes me uncomfortable. (via)

Updated 2/26/14:

There's no limit to how many times she'd ceck on her brother. (via)

Thanks for the not-at-all creepy love letter! (via)

I'd be worried, but I'm too distracted by your grammar. (via)

I'm flattered. No one's ever called me cunt before. (via)

Tell no one, Ashley. (via)

Seriously Chad, what is your deal? (via)

Updated 1/25/14:

Seems pretty accurate. (via) (Click here to see the rest...)

Where does she circle to lead him on for the next six months? (via)

That diagram is crystal clear! Crystal! (via Huffington Post)

When apologizing fails, be honest. (via)

And WHAT?!! (via)

LOL that bitch deserves someone better. (via)

Updates 10/10/13:

But rest assured, they will not fail again.(via)

It's never too early to teach rap education.(via)

Oh god, the red.(via)

He's probably putting way more hearts on his girl's notes.(via)

Dear Julia: Ew. Love, T.F.(via)

Never fight a man armed with a lolepop.(via)

Updated 9/13/13:

Don't believe him, girl! He's just trying to get between your sticks. (via)

No no, break her heart the day before your anniversary. Sigh. You'll get there. (via)

Always ask for consent before putting your special thing in there but. (via)

 Why would anyone want to shoot a cat with a gasoline pump? (via)

Hate to break it to you, Julian, but you're still getting hit in the middle. (via)

Of course you love me. If you didn't, you would talk to me. (via)

What I'm trying to say is, you look like a sack of potatoes. (via)

Honesty is the most delicious policy. (via)

Oh, well if she's got those tet tet's, go to her. (via)

It is way more effective to get a smile out of people than "Cheese."

This is pretty clever. Outsourcing your baby announcement to the people you're announcing it to. Efficiency, people!

Kris and Kat decided to announce their pregnancy by making friends and family pose for pictures, not realizing they're being recorded on video. Instead of making them say "Cheese," the cue for a smile was "1, 2, 3, say 'Kat's Pregnant!'"

Naturally, this resulted in a whole lot of, "What'd I just say?" Then a whole lot of hugs. Luckily, no one responded with "You sons of bitches tricked me into doing your public outreach and I want to be paid!"

(by Bob Powers)

Maybe this is like that really fancy coffee where the beans have to be half-digested by tree cats in the jungle before being brewed.

This video, uploaded by the very appropriately named TheEws1986 (because, ew), is perhaps the most, if not only, correct response to Kim Kardashian's Paper Magazine butt cover. You can't break the Internet, Kim. The Internet will only absorb your butt, and the Internet will become stronger.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Just be yourself, Benny.

Benedict Cumberbatch did something!

Now that I have your attention, here's the nitty-gritty. Cumberbatch was interviewed by MTV to promote The Imitation Game (the film), in which he plays cryptologist Alan Turing. As part of the interview, he played The Imitation Game (the game), in which he tried to do as many celebrity impressions as possible in 60 seconds.

It turns out Cumberbatch isn't just nice to look at—he's also quite a talented actor! His John Malkovich, Tom Hiddleston, and Owen Wilson impressions are all solid. His Taylor Swift kind of sucks, though.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

by Dan Abromowitz

You're a man. You take your coffee black and scalding, your undercut is immaculately pomaded, and you really like the way it feels to ask to speak with a manager. You can tell a scotch's price by the sound of it uncorking, you assume you'd be a pretty great carpenter, and you're a little too into cunnilingus.

And so, you deserve meals that befit a man of your modern masculine manner. Not just a bunch of store-bought ingredients hacked up and shoved in an oven, but a tightly curated, slow-crafted culinary erection. Here's how a man cooks:

A DAMN STEAK

This is where it's at. This is a piece of a beast. It needed those muscles to get around, but you're gonna turn them into rank dung because you're worth more than it was.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Live-ripped steel-gouged 66-day wet-aged hangar crotch, buried in an ash casket and exhumed

Turkish paprika

Greek oregano

Cyprian dill

Serbian peppercorns

Croatian turmeric

Bosnian mustard seeds

Albanian salt

Activated water (trigger word: "kestrel")

Mississippi delta silt

The last honest onion in this fucked-up world.

Equipment:

E-cigarettes

Scorned hickory charcoal

Cilantro-infused lighter fluid

Box of those big matches

Meat whip

Grandad's service pistol, well-posed-with

Alley-salvaged oil drum, huddled around by real fingerless-glove-wearing hobos

Instructions:

Combine spices in a nice-looking bowl as a symbolic gesture of reconciliation between embattled peoples. Whisk with delta silt as a symbolic gesture that it was probably America making that happen.

Dice the last honest onion in this fucked-up world. Ain't that just the way of things.

With the meat whip, supplicate the steak until pulpy and pitiful.

Pose with Grandad's service pistol like you're a big strong frontier man who makes his own rope. Take a little Instagram with your filthy whipped meat.

Combine meat, onions, and spice mix in a way that resonates with you.

Wait for a sign.

Puff on a few e-cigarettes and think about your dad. What hobbies did he give up to raise you?

Pour charcoal and lighter fluid into oil drum and climb in with them. In here, you're safe from everything but yourself.

Get out of there, you big goof.

Pat steak dry and promise it you'll protect it from the world, that there's no need to fear when it's in your arms, that you'll be there long after the light goes out, and even longer after that.

Roast the damn thing and eat it with a fork.

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ROSCOE REILLY'S DRY HEAVED ST. LOUIS STYLE PORK FUCK-UP

Jazzman and fraud Roscoe Reilly was famed north and south for his spectacular meat fuck-ups, so-called because that's what they were. He died destitute and penniless, in total obscurity, and his condition has not since improved.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Creek brine

Wholegrain whiskey

Half a lamb (front)

Half a pig (top)

Half a veal(?) (left)

A tongue, from whatever

Why not another tongue

Three tongues rounds it out nicely

Garlic whispers

Onionsinuations

Chives, strongly implied

Multivitamin (for men)

Equipment:

Fire hottener

Spastic broiler

Meat whip

Gag reflex

Chronic palsy

Instructions:

Brine lamb, pig, and veal for 24-48 hours. No, no, not at room temperature, in the fridge! Ahh, Christ, how long have those been out?

Okay. That's probably fine. Sauté tongues with garlic whispers, onionsinuations, and the vaguest rumor of chives until browned and– the damn counter's on fire, the whole marble countertop is on fire, how is this possible, how could this be.

Take multivitamin for pep. Orally, you dumb son of a bitch, orally!

Ugh, fuck.

Put everything in a casserole, douse with whiskey, shove it in the broiler and hotten the fire as hot as it'll hotten. Burn it all away, all your mistakes, all your sins, let the flames take them.

None of this matters.

Nothing matters.

Twirl your meat whip like Calamity Jane. Yee haw!

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Surf, Turf, and Dallas/Fort Worth

This one's gonna require you to eat an airport, but the rewards very nearly outweigh the risks.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Lobster

Steak

Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport

Barbecue sauce (pretty good)

Equipment:

Duffel bag

Big fork

Big knife

Bib

Bolt cutter

Meat whip

Instructions:

Park in Lot C. My cousin there says the far-left validation gate only ever charges max like $22.50 and they still haven't fixed it in like three months, which is nuts when you think about it.

Find the service ladder to the sloped roof of the United terminal and snip the padlock with bolt cutter. Climb up and lay out your feast.

Dig in, with gusto! Within minutes you will be apprehended or shot by airport security. Go quietly or fend them off as long as you can with your meat whip, it doesn't really make a difference.

Your life is now essentially over. Hope you've got a good legacy.

RELATED: Drink... LIKE A MAN

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter

He apologized later with a fruit basket through their bedroom window.

Whenever a guy wearing a winter jacket is lighting off fireworks in the middle of the night, bad things are bound to happen. There's hardly anyone else around, and the rest of the neighborhood is silent. Which means Stuart Paton was probably sitting around drinking with his buddies when one of them said, "Dude, do you still have those fireworks leftover from the 4th of July party?"

From the look on his face afterwards, you can tell it was not the intended flight path of his rocket. Unless his intention was to declare war on his sleeping neighbor.

(by Jonathan Corbett)