Never enough.
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Judge forces Justin Bieber to (gasp!) fly commercial.
Biebs to fly with Pleebs.
"Ummm... yeah I don't want to do that." (via Getty Images)
Despite Bieber's claims two weeks ago that "I'm not that person that I don't give a fuck," Justin basically told a judge that he doesn't give a fuck.
According to documents uncovered by TMZ, Justin just tried to wiggle out of going to a court date.
In 2013, Paparazzo Jeffrey Binion accused the Biebs of having his body guards attack him and threaten him with a gun. Now Bieber must attend a mediation hearing in Miami, but Bieber said that he would like to just Skype it in because flying there would cost too much; the price tag to gas up his private jet is $68,000.
No wonder people with legal troubles always end up so poor.
Binion's attorney, however, playfully suggested that Bieber fly commercial. Despite this being a completely ridiculous suggestion, the judge agreed.
A first class commercial flight is $1K, which would leave him $67,000 leftover to pay for all the therapy needed to mend the humiliation caused by being forced to fly with the disgusting first-class.
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Simplify.
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Fake survivalist Bear Grylls smashes through fake window on real TV.
Mission: Impractical
Somebody call animal control.(via Metro)
Bear Grylls, the survivalist and former star of Man vs. Wild, was promoting his new show Mission Survive on a British morning show when he decided to make a grand entrance. As you can see in the clip below, Bear took the show's hosts by complete and unconvincing surprise.
I wonder how long it took to clean up all that sugar glass. Of course, nobody is pretending that this stunt wasn't staged. This makes it different from Man vs. Wild, which was eventually canceled by the Discovery Channel after being forced to add disclaimers admitting that everything Bear did was totally fake. Check out this YouTube exposé:
Let's hope Bear's learned his lesson. In his new show, he takes eight celebrities into the Central American rainforest to see who's best equipped to survive. It would be a shame to learn their lives weren't actually in danger.
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Tried and true.
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News story about parents "sick of dinosaurs being forced on our kids" contains an even stupider mistake.
At first, everything looks normal.
Dinosaurs: just some story people told each other for generations until they believed it.
(screengrab via ABC13)
Nothing out of the ordinary here. Christian fundamentalists either deny dinosaurs or think they died in the Deluge. It's just another average school day, although admittedly the quote from the parent leading the charge at this Texas school is pretty hilarious: "I am getting sick and tired of dinosaurs being forced on our children." But that's not the funniest/saddest part of this story on ABC 13 Houston's website to me. The caption on this photo is:
God Evolution damnit!
NOOOOO!!! "Dinosaur skeleton parts?!" I'm no bone-ologist, but I'm pretty sure that's a f***ing dog. Also, what in the name of the gradual process of natural selection are "skeleton parts"? Have you ever heard of someone falling off a skateboard ramp or something and saying "Oh, no, I think I broke a skeleton part"?
No, you haven't, because that's garbage English.
At least the creationists won't have to worry about dinosaurs being taught in schools, because apparently they're just dogs these days.
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I ducking love you.
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Choosey lover.
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33 examples of Valentine's Day gone horribly wrong on Facebook.
Cupid's arrows hit dumb people, too, y'know.
You're just hanging out with the wrong crowd. By which I mean the normal crowd. (via)
Soon your Facebook feed will be nothing but photos of crappy boxes of chocolates and overpriced floral bouquets and you'll be forced to watch porn just to scour the romance from your eyes. If you need to escape from "Lovebook," let this list of delightfully bitter, incompetent, and lonely Valentine's Day posts be your sanctuary.
At least he didn't call her his pride and joy.
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Sorry to hear that Paula! p.s. - stay away from my husband & I today, thanks!
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The amount of red in Amanda's picture weirds me out after her details. (via)
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Haha! A love died today!(Via)
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We only approve of one "my hand is my girlfriend" pic every year. This was 2014. (via)
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That got weird at the end, pal.(Via)
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Jessica, I'd like you to meet my friend Paula. I think you two have a lot to talk about.
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Ah, old people who still think "hook up" means hang out. You're always hilarious.(via)
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So, you're saying there's a chance.
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This explains why the dad never had a problem being named "BJ."
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Teaching your kid an important lesson: without love, Valentine's Day is about pity.
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"I won't be able to contact anyone except through Facebook like right now."
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This is one of those days Barbie doesn't really mind having no genitals.
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The other woman, however, had a really great day.
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It took 30 seconds for us to decode Like My Status and 1 second to get sad.
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He's reached max level, so he's just adding better friend armor, like that apron.
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February 13: like Shark Week for love, but all in one day.
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YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, MARK! HE BLOOMED MY ONION LIKE YOU COULDN'T!
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The two fingers... are for using the remote to start the movie, right?
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Foresight and alcoholism: not mutually exclusive.
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I want to whisper sweet murmurs in your heart.
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And posts like this are the reason why.
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Someone's trying to stir as many pots as possible.
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Worse, Hawking now says even black holes don't exist. Talk about null and void.
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Or watch the women's faces as they think, "Oh God, I was just using him for sex."
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Stephen and his parents are close. Too close.
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This could have been chatted about over those beers...offline.
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Get to the point. How many fillings?
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This hand thing is probably the most over-done joke of the entire holiday.
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Thank God.
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He'll never love you back.
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Or the "My."
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 13, 2015
1. Entire Eastern Half Of U.S. To Be Frozen Solid Next Week
Every U.S. citizen east of Colorado should expect to be cryogenically frozen into a block of ice next week, as an extremely frigid wave of Arctic air descends upon the nation. Okay, to be fair, that's a little bit of an exaggeration. The lower half of Florida looks like it will remain mildly warm.
My nipples are hard. The cold weather is TURNING ME ON.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) February 13, 2015
2. Old Man Apple To Let Those Stoner Kids Have Their Little App
Apple has has reportedly changed its mind concerning the marijuana-themed social network, MassRoots, and will henceforth allow the app to be sold in their online store. There are, however, two caveats: 1) it may only be made available in states where cannabis has been legalized for recreational or medical purposes, and 2) buyers need to have sufficient motor skills to mash a finger onto their phone's screen to purchase the app.
The craziest thing about marijuana being legalized is seeing stoners start businesses.
— mark normand (@marknorm) October 17, 2014
3. Student Loan Debt Is Literally Driving Us Out Of Our Minds
A new study of 5,000 Americans has found that being in a perpetual state of owing tens of thousands of dollars to moneylenders for having been given the chance to waste valuable years on college degrees that are near valueless in the modern job market may have a detrimental effect on people's mental health. They're still looking into it, though.
Instead of college I went to "The School of Life". This means I have credit card debt in lieu of student loans.
— Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke) September 12, 2014
4. Creator Of Frustrating Zombie Show To Create Equally Frustrating Exorcism Show
Robert Kirkman—creator of AMC's sometimes brilliant, usually disappointing zombie apocalypse drama The Walking Dead—has reportedly signed a deal with Cinemax to frustrate the expectations of its subscribers by creating a new sporadically worthwhile series about demonic possession, called Outcast.
An exorcism must be incredibly bittersweet because you stop being 1) possessed by a demon 2) the center of attention.
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) November 6, 2014
5. Your Dog Knows You're Upset And Thinks Maybe Taking Her For A Walk Might Help
Animals researchers have found significant evidence to conclude that our pet dogs are adept at reading our emotions by monitoring our facial expressions. Not that that's going to stop them from pissing you off by shitting in the corner of the laundry room when you leave the house for more than four hours. But they will know for sure that you're mad.
He's not just my husband, he's also my best friend. And my therapist. Plus, he's my dog.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) February 12, 2015
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Blue valentine.
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Family Feud contestant has frightening guess for what a doctor would pull out of a person.
You're making Steve Harvey's job too easy.
To be fair, it's a weird question. If I were put on the spot in front of a live audience like this woman, I might have guessed "hamster," or "guinea pig," or "capybara." There are so many rodents to choose from.
Would it be hacky to make a joke about Richard Gere and his debunked urban legend? Probably…
Who does this lady think she is, Richard Gere???
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This unemployed mom of four just won a $188 million Powerball Jackpot.
26-year-old North Carolina mom Marie Holmes scared her kids, she was yelling so much when she realized that she won the Powerball.
"I'm very grateful for what's about to happen for my family." (via KDVR)
Formerly an employee of McDonalds and Wal-Mart, Marie had to quit working to take care of her four children, one of whom has cerebral palsy.
"I'm thankful I can bless my kids with something that I didn't have... I don't have to worry about the word 'struggle' no more and neither do they," she told KDVR.
There were three winners of the 564.1 million dollar jackpot (don't you hate when that happens?), so she has either won $188 million in an annuity over 30 years (that's an income of 6.2 million a year), or she can collect it in a lump sum of $127 million before taxes.
So. Much. Money.
Holmes told KDVR that she is going Raleigh to talk to a lawyer about what the best option is for her before turning in the ticket, but one of the first things she will do when she get the money will be to set up college funds for her kids and buy a new home for them all to live in.
When asked how she felt about the win, Holmes said, "It hasn't really hit me yet. When it hits my account, that's when it will hit me."
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg wasn't "100% sober" during the State of the Union.
Being on the Supreme Court means no one can judge you.
Mr. President, you smell so good.(Getty)
During a talk at George Washington University, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg addressed comments that she appeared to be dozing off during President Obama's recent State of the Union address. You can judge for yourself:
Now that's adorable. Justice Ginsburg didn't refute the claims, explaining that she wasn't "100 percent sober." Her honor explained:
"Because before we went to the State of the Union, Justice Kennedy brought in … it was an Opus something or other, very fine California wine, and I vowed this year, just sparkling water, stay away from the wine, but in the end, the dinner was so delicious, it needed wine."
I don't think anyone can blame her. She's 81, and this is her 21st time sitting through one of these speeches. Why not hit a little of the grape to make it go by easier? Honestly, if I were Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I'd probably be drunk all the time. I don't know how else I could spend every day in the same room as Alito.
I rest my face.(Getty)
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Any time at all.
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A masochist's guide to enjoying '50 Shades of Grey.'
Make watching this movie hurt so good.
Paper cut from the ticket stub...oh yeah.
If you truly want to enjoy50Shades of Grey the way Christian Grey would want you to, you're going to have to suffer through your movie experience to get the maximum amount of pleasure. Let the punishment begin, and don't forget to have a safety word so the teens working the movie theater know when you've had enough.
1. Pay extra to see 50 Shades of Grey in IMAX. It's not worth the money to see most movies in IMAX, especially this one, but you've been a bad girl and it's time you literally paid the price.
2. Buy the large soda. We both know your bladder can't handle it! And worst of all, you're going to have to pee right at the end of the second act, just when things are getting their steamiest. Deny yourself that pleasure while you use an unkept public bathroom.
3. Sit next to the woman who brought her kids.
4. Text during the movie. People will yell at you. Everyone will hate you. Wallow in it.
5. Wear 3D glasses even though it's not in 3D. That pulsing ocular migraine from the eye bondage is a gift from your master. Say thank you, slave!
6. Go see Jupiter Ascending instead. This is what you deserve.
7. And of course, the ultimate punishment is to wait for 50 Shades of Grey to be released on DVD.
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Here's why it's so hard to take a sexy selfie.
Because it's the least-sexy thing you can do.
You know what professional photographers do? They make people look sexy. Do you know why they get paid to do that? Because normal people can't do it themselves. IFC's new web series Modern Dating takes on all the challenges of being a single person who doesn't want to be one in the 21st Century. This episode, "The Trouble With Taking A Sexy Selfie" stars Riley Soloner (aka Vacation Jason of The Chris Gethard Show) as a guy who thought he was going to get to see some sultry pics of his lady friend. Unfortunately, he has to find an attractive angle for himself, first.
Check out more episodes of Modern Dating on IFC.
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Guess what happens to a 100-year-old crocodile when people think feeding it brings good luck.
At least when this crocodile got fat, other people got lucky.
Maybe crocodiles taste like chicken because theyre full of them. (via 9 News)
Worshippers at the Hazrat Kahn Jahan Ali shrine in Bangladesh fed this obese crocodile chickens and goats believing that the act would would bring them good luck. But, as Bangladesh's economic climate became more and more unstable, more and more people went looking for ways to improve their fortune, so more and more people came to feed the croc. This resulted in more and more of the crocodile.
'We were aware of the problem but were not sure what to do about it," the reptile's keeper told Metro. "The legend is that anybody who feeds the hunger of the crocodiles will have their hearts desire fulfilled."
"Usually it was just a chicken, but more recently people have been offering even more, including goats, believing that big sacrifices meant more chance of a wish being granted."
Tipping the scales. Get it? Poor guy. (via 9 News)
To make matters worse, there used to be 4 crocodiles doling out the good fortune, but three of them died from overeating, causing all of the food to go to the last one. It was just too much for him.
The average life span of a crocodile is usually 70-100 years, so this corpulent croc had a good run. Well, maybe not. Let's call it a good waddle.
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Better half.
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Watching these capybaras in a hot tub is the most jealous you'll ever be of giant rodents.
Rodents of unusual size and comfort.
This is a real life hot tub time machine – one that takes you back millions of years, to an era when hamsters the size of pigs roamed the Earth.
Actually, the capybara (the world's largest rodent) still exists in South America. They're not even endangered, despite the fact that they're sometimes eaten by locals and naive tourists.
This video comes from the Saitama Children's Zoo in Japan, where the capybaras like hot tubbing in gross, murky water. It's like they have their own personal cut-rate hotel room! If you're wondering what's floating in there, check out the video's description:
They are Capybaras in Saitama Children's Zoo.
Capybara is the biggest in the rodent.
They were enjoying Yuzu-yu.
Yuzu-yu means the bath in which yuzus are put and set afloat.
Some black things in the bath are their poo.
They have a habit of dropping in the water.
For reference, "yuzu" is a citrus fruit, and "poo" is poo.
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