My bag is that perfect “could hold a human head but absolutely would not be able to smuggle out a whole body" size. I tend to acquire things at random and like any normal non-hoarder, toss them in my bag thinking, "I'm sure I'll throw this away and/or vitally need this later."

Here's what's in my purse:

The bag.

What's inside.

• A second smaller purse
• Fashion Tape (I don't know what this is but a magazine once told me it was VITAL and I assume that in the zombie apocalypse maybe it finally will be?)
• An orange slap bracelet that says “PERFECT"
• A small plastic baggie with 4 pills that were not prescribed to me
• 2 Band-aids, 3 Splenda packets
• A sample of fancy hair conditioner with most of the print worn off
• A Washington State Ferry Seattle to Bainbridge ticket stub (I do not live in Washington)
• 2 mascaras, 2 eyeshadows (unused & exactly the same color), 3 eyeliners, 1 eyelash curler
• Oil absorbing sheets (generic)
• Oil absorbing sheets (brand name)
• Folded, photocopied article on therapeutic exercises, with handwritten notes that were not made by me
• Sheet of stickers (with 2 heart, one monkey and one giraffe stickers missing)

• Single serving bottle of Grand Marnier, half-empty
• Tweezers
• One pregnancy test (unused)
• Agents of The Internet Apocalypseby Wayne Gladstone
• Promotional USB phone charger (passengers in my car with nearly dead phones have asked me if I've had such a charger, I've always said no)
• "Dude Wipe" (no clue. I have no clue)
• Sock monkey baby booties (never worn)
• Whatever this is

• New York City metro card, expires 8/31/15 (I do not live in New York)
• Dayquil
• Matches
• More oil absorbing sheets
• 3 phones, all Blackberries, 2 dead
• Sealed, unopened 4-in-1 Pur Mineral Tinted Moisturizer (Does anyone want this? Please, it's brand new, take it from me, I can't throw it away, it's SEALED!)
• 4 pens & 2 ponytail holders
• Gum
• Scented candle (half-used)

• 2 combs
• Yellow highlighter that has come open at various points and randomly highlighted items in my bag, probably desperately trying to point out things that it cannot believe I haven't thrown away
• Flashlight
• Deodorant
• Knee-high socks, purple
• 4 lipsticks (Amount of times I've worn lipstick in the past year= once)
• Native American stone arrowhead (Native. American. Stone. Arrowhead.)

• Parking ticket
• Wallet containing 27 different “frequent buyer" cards for various coffee, sandwich and smoothie shops, all with one stamp on them, nine away from getting my free latte.
• A single green lime
• The letter “P"

Notably absent from my purse: money.

You might think that taking everything out of my bag so as to photograph and list it would be the perfect opportunity to also clean out my bag and get rid of unneeded items. You would be wrong.

After a gunman killed two women in a movie theater during Amy Schumer's "Trainwreck," people demanded a response from her:

@cdickason11@sfclem Her name was Mayci, not Marci and I think about her and Jillian everyday. Don't worry I'm on it. You'll see.
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) August 1, 2015

Author Sarah Clements, daughter of a Sandy Hook survivor, wrote an open letter to Amy Schumer after the Lafayette, Louisiana shooting that left two women dead. In it, she says:

I know deep down that the tweet you sent after the shooting was not all that you've got. And we need your voice in this movement. We need your help.

Join your colleagues Sarah Silverman and Kristen Schaal. Join our movement. Write an op-ed. Support an organization. Demand change. Be a voice for our generation and for women — two groups who make up most of the victims of the gun violence in our country.

The tone was heartfelt and slightly condescending, which you can see Amy responding to in the tweet above (the letter also originally spelled victim Mayci Breaux's name as Marci), but her pique might also come from the fact that she has been cooking up plans to address gun violence in a more head-on way than just this message posted at the time of the tragedy:

My heart is broken and all my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in Louisiana.
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) July 24, 2015

Amy has paired up with her cousin, New York Senator Chuck Schumer, to address gun control in the state and, hopefully, nationally. At a press conference today, they spoke at length about a proposed outline that includes stronger background checks, rewarding states that submit all the required information to the federal government and penalizing the ones that don't, and increased funding for the federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Sen. Schumer listing the most publicized mass-shootings that have happened this Summer. In Louisiana, Tennessee, SC. pic.twitter.com/ThP7tgMLz2
— Colin Daileda (@ColinDaileda) August 3, 2015

According to press at Mashable, Amy Schumer refused to speak the shooter's name, but gave a heartfelt statement on why she is coming forward on gun control reform:

I'm not sure why this man chose my movie to end those two lives and injure nine others, but it was very personal for me. We always find out how the shooter got their gun and it's always something that never should have happened in the first place.

It's hard to know what the turning point will be in America on gun violence and regulation, when we've had mass shootings even at kindergartens, but hopefully more and more people speaking up and taking action will turn the tide. Thanks for taking a stand, Schumer family.

Amy Schumer says she's had death threats for her comedy, so she expects same for advocating against gun violence. pic.twitter.com/1y2mFd2eIf
— Colin Daileda (@ColinDaileda) August 3, 2015

Related: The night after the Emanuel AME Church Massacre, Jon Stewart ran out of jokes.

This wall mural painted by Chris Pratt really makes me want to visit this restaurant.

This mural could be improved by adding a raptor.(via Imgur)

Someone has discovered that Chris Pratt, the actor who had the best scene in Jurassic World, is also a painter. Imgur user slartibartfas happened to visit a restaurant where Pratt once worked as a dishwasher, and found a mural on the wall with his name prominently displayed.

Always make sure your name is visible.(via Imgur)

Alongside the mural is a framed article from Teen People in 2003, when Pratt was interviewed about being a painter while starring in the series Everwood. In the article, Pratt says "I've done murals in my high school gymnasium and on the wall of my friend's restaurant."

This is that restaurant! How meta. (via Imgur)

I'm a terrible painter, but I have a feeling art critics would agree that this is one of the most amazing paintings ever to grace the wall of a restaurant. Also, I love that they included the magazine article for context. I hope they get a flood of visitors now that Chris Pratt is America's favorite raptor-tamer.

5. Kylie Jenner, because everyone thinks she's shilling butt cream, except her butt cream company.

I love sharing my beauty secrets with you guys and this is a favorite! @PureLeef offers products with All Natural ingredients (which is important to me) to help maintain & accentuate your curves! @PureLeef's butt enhancement cream & Breast plumping lotion stimulate fat cells in the target areas. I started seeing results after only a month of consistent use. Love their products Visit www.pureleef.com #curvesonfleek
A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on Jul 30, 2015 at 1:39pm PDT

If you find yourself becoming aroused at this picture, remember that you're looking at a girl who isn't quite 18. After August 10, you can go nuts.

Kylie Jenner posted this picture to her Instagram on Friday, spouting off about the all-natural benefits of PureLeef butt enhancement cream and breast plumping lotion. The company got a huge boost from the plug, but many of Kylie's 31 million Instagram followers called foul. Knowing the kinds of lucrative endorsement deals the other members of the Kardashian/Jenner cartel get for social media recommendations, they assumed she was on the curve-cream payroll.

But yesterday, PureLeef came out to deny all of these accusations. They say they have never paid Kylie for any endorsement, although they wouldn't make the same guarantee about the other Kardashians. Part of the reason is that they publicly insist that no one under 18 should use their products without parental approval. But it's clear that Kylie's parents don't disapprove of a whole lot.

PureLeef took the opportunity of its denial to make its own plug, and possibly to throw shade at Kylie, saying, “We feel our way is much safer and less final than surgery or black market 'butt injections' all while producing real results." Is this a potshot at the teenager? They wouldn't be the first to accuse her of surgery. If it is, it also insults their own product. Are they saying their goos can't give you curves like that? I'm going to stop talking about this, because I'm creeping myself out.

4. Everyone in Florida, because giant slugs are eating their houses.

"Oh hai!"(Getty)

Isn't it nice to see a Florida story that isn't about dumb criminals? This one is about snails. And these snails, if anything, are too smart.

Four years ago, Giant African Snails were discovered in Miami, and since then, the invasive invertebrates have spread across the state, leaving a slimy trail of destruction in their wake. Separated from their natural predators, there's been nothing to stop the snails from eating everything in sight, and they're not picky. Their diet contains as many as 500 plants, and they've even been known to eat the stucco off houses. What's worse, when they consume rat droppings, they become carriers of meningitis. This story just gets grosser and grosser.

The snails have evaded every attempt to control their population, including a $10.8 million eradication program by the state. Attempts to poison them with an organic pesticide failed when the snails climbed up into trees to avoid the chemical pellets. They're cleverer than your average gastropod.

No one is sure how the snails made it to Florida, where they're illegal, but some think they were brought in by practitioners of Afro-Caribbean folk religions like Santeria, which use snails in their rituals. But Santeria expert Ernesto Pichardo emphatically denies this. He told Business Insider:

"As always takes place, everything that is strange gets labeled under my religion, Santeria. And we were all like, 'Excuse me, no! This is the first time I have ever seen this beast."

Somebody check his hands for slime! Pichardo added:

"It does what? It eats stucco?"

You know exactly what it eats, Oba.

3. 'Daily Show' fans, because their world is ending.

The leaders of the free world.(via YouTube)

For the last 16 years, Jon Stewart and the writers of The Daily Show have provided the best (some would say only) news satire on TV. A generation of liberal youths came to rely on him for all of their news, and a great deal of their perspective. But now, it's all over.

On Thursday, Stewart will step down as the host of The Daily Show, handing over the reins to South African comedian Trevor Noah. While Noah is certainly qualified, it will take him time to develop the same fanbase/cult of personality that Stewart has enjoyed for years.

If there is a big dropoff in viewership, the real shame will be how many people will simply not hear about the news at all. Most of Stewart's die-hard fans don't trust the mainstream news media (wisely), and won't have another regular source of updates in his absence. Sure, since Stewart has been around, other worthy satirists have come along to carry out his legacy, but they're not on TV on a daily basis. John Oliver only comes on every Sunday, and 5 people having a worse Monday than you is weekly too.

2. Jared Fogle, because it turns out he had sex with a 16-year-old for money.

He may sell subs, but he's no hero.(Getty)

It's been almost a month since Jared Fogle, former obese man/current creepy man, had his house raided by the police for child pornography. Fogle still hasn't been charged, and the US attorney's office won't even say if an investigation is being conducted. But that doesn't mean he's off the hook. In fact, it's only getting worse for old Big Pants.

Business Insider has acquired some of Fogle's old text conversations that were apparently subpoenaed by the FBI. The messages are between Fogle and a former girlfriend/Subway franchisee, and they are even creepier than his smile. He asks the woman to advertise herself for sex on Craigslist so he can watch, and to set up a threesome with her underage cousin. On May 1, 2008, he wrote:

"Any more news with your cousin? Tell me what u think about when u think of the three of us all together???"

Previously he had texted her:

"How young would you like?... Would you want to have an adventure like that?"

<shudder> Worst of all is this admission: in texts from June, Fogle again asked this woman (who was still with him after all of this) if she would put herself on Craigslist. She responded:

"Is this the same website you found that 16 year old girl you that you f*****? ...I still can't believe you only paid $100 for her."

His response:

"It was amazing!!!!"

I'm never eating a sandwich again.

1. A pizza guy who was mugged by a shirtless man on a scooter.

That's the face I'd make if a shirtless guy on a scooter asked me for pizza.
(stock photo)

After that horrible Jared story, here's a delightful palate cleanser about a mugging. A Papa John's delivery guy in Dayton, Ohio responded to a 10:30 PM pizza order, but found that the house didn't exist. Confused, he pulled into the house next door, which looked abandoned, and called the number that had been provided for the order, which also proved to be fake. What a mystery!

At that moment, a black man pulled up behind him on a black scooter, with a black gun strapped to his waist and an extended clip. Shirtless and angry, he began to rob the bewildered driver, who explained that he didn't have any money. But the robber didn't want money – just the food. He made off with a large extra-cheese pizza, some buffalo wings, and a liter of Sierra Mist (not the Mist!)

The crook took his spoils back behind the house, and the driver returned to the store to call police. The officers confirmed what we all expected: this is the toughest story to ever involve a scooter. And it's not even tough.

"Allure Magazine" put together a vintage 70s photo shoot and no one said, "Hey, maybe we should have a black woman in this?"

Peak caucasity in allure magazine y'all pic.twitter.com/IrptY9nbuP
— BLACK (@isthecolor) August 3, 2015

This article featuring a white lady sporting a Rachel Dolezal is supposed to be about getting a look you wouldn't expect your hair to have, so I can almost see the logic behind this choice by the Allure editorial staff. But their theme was "70s," an era in which hairstyles for black women, particularly the Afro, had an important political context within the African-American Civil Rights Movement. Eliding that context is ignorant at best, insulting at worst. And, damn, were people insulted!

Many are pointing out how the spread is a perfect example of cultural appropriation:

Some are choosing to laugh at the bullsh*t:

Everybody wanna be black but nobody wants to be black ! #allure #Afro #naturalHair #mediaTakeout
A photo posted by www.TheCurlyDiva.com (@thecurlydiva) on Aug 3, 2015 at 6:00am PDT

And others are stuck reminding the media yet again that culture isn't a costume:

In a statement to "BuzzFeed Life," "Allure" wrote:

“The Afro has a rich cultural and aesthetic history. In this story, we show women using different hairstyles as an individual expressions [sic] of style. Using beauty and hair as a form of self-expression is a mirror of what's happening in our country today. The creativity is limitless—and pretty wonderful."

Wait, where did they mention the Afro's cultural and aesthetic history?

Are "ballsy" "powerful" and "confident" code words?(via Allure)

Okay, sure. If your editorial staff believes hair "creativity is limitless," try using your imaginations to picture the response to spreads like this. Unless you did and this was a bid to get viral attention? Damn! They got us!

The song 'Trap Queen' is originally performed by Fetty Wap, who is not actually one of Quailman's enemies.

Not that long ago, I wrote about Miss Piggy covering Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money," which was also made by Vulture. That was awesome, not only because it's badass and hilarious, but because I know Rihanna and understand her. I fully admit, however, that I have been left out of the cultural phenomenon that is 'Trap Queen.' The song (according to the fetid swamp known as Rap Genius) is apparently about being with a woman who, despite being the baddest bitch in the neighborhood and being great at cooking drugs with you in abandoned houses, is holding you back. I think.

So, congratulations to Vulture on making a great video, and congrats to Fetty Sap on making me throw up my hands and join the ranks of the Olds. I remember ten years ago when 80s nostalgia was at its peak, and 30-somethings were complaining that kids born in the 80s were pretending to be "80s kids." As someone born in 1985 but who spent the 90s being unpopular enough to learn all about the 80s, this was a great time for me—more knowledgeable than my poseur peers, but still young enough to laugh at people in their 30s.

Time is cruel. It is truly the Trap Queen of us all.

Here is the least efficient way to cook bacon, and the most efficient way to get vegans to hate you.

No guns were harmed in the making of this video.(via YouTube)

Ted Cruz, America's favorite Candian-born Republican candidate, made an instructional video about cooking bacon on a machine gun. It's like cooking breakfast on your car engine, but louder and creepier. Watching this video (below) will make you feel strong feelings about guns and bacon, regardless of whether you are for or against either of these two things.

Trying out his "serious gun" face.(via YouTube)

According to Ted Cruz, here are the steps to becoming President:
1. Buy bacon.
2. Wrap bacon around the barrel a machine gun.
3. Wrap foil around the bacon that's around the gun.
4. Shoot the gun.
5. Eat the semi-cooked bacon.
6. BE PRESIDENT OF USA.

"Mmmmm, tastes like the right to bear firearms."(via YouTube)

At first I didn't understand why he made this video, but then I remembered the carnie-parade that is the Republican presidential race, and it all sort of just made sense. Here it is!

Mitt Romney is running against Al Gore for "Most Improved Public Persona After Losing The Race For President."

2012 Mitt Romney was so stiff and wooden that Rick Santorum's sweater vest seemed jaunty and hip on stage next to him. 2015 Mitt Romney, however, seems like a funny dad that most of us would enjoy having a root beer with. Since his "47 percent" nadir, Mitt has turned into a regular Rom-Com. Photos of him doing normal things like eating ice cream went viral after he left, he gamely boxed with Evander Holyfield for charity, he let Jimmy Fallon mock/impersonate him, and he's just generally been a good sport about being a loser. Which makes him perfect to deliver the most memorable slogan I've ever heard leave his mouth:

"I was told there'd be pancakes."

Looking for a man who's tall, dark and cold-blooded? Then Bishopville, SC's mysterious Lizard Man might be the guy for you!

Those strong muscles! That look like they were carved out of foam! Because they probably were! (via ABC4)

There are lots of mythical creatures in this world: the Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. The man under 30 who isn't afraid of commitment. And, of course, the Bishopville, South Carolina Lizard Man.

The picture above was taken by a woman from Sumter, SC, right after leaving church on Sunday. According to ABC4, the woman "stepped out of the sanctuary to see the Lizard Man running along the tree line." That's when she snapped the above picture with her phone, which totally, 100% depicts a real lizard man and not of a guy who owns a lizard suit and loves screwing with locals.

After ABC4 posted this picture, another local resident came forward with a video he took while hunting. He thinks it might also be of the guy with a lizard suit who is laughing really hard right now Lizard Man, although the hunter's not willing to attach his name to it.

Some quick background info on the Bishopville Lizard Man: The first sighting occurred in 1988, when a 17-year-old kid named Christopher Davis stopped to change a flat tire near the Scape Ore Swamp. He reported that the Lizard Man ran at him and climbed onto the top of his car when Davis tried to escape, leaving scratch marks. Other reports have trickled in over the years, a combination of sightings of large, blurry creatures and cars found with attack marks—which leads me to believe that the Lizard Man makes a living by boosting car stereos.

One thing I think we can all agree on: any of us would kill to get this swole swamp monster's fitness secret. What could it be? No carbs after 5 pm? Circuit training? Constantly running through the forest, eluding the prying eyes of the human race as he searches desperately to find a female of his kind? Hopefully he'll agree to a Men's Fitness interview someday, so we can find out.

You are correct that the store should be open until the time it is posted. You are deeply wrong if you think it should stay open any longer for you. Jerk.

YouTube animator Domics has created this illustrated guide to what tardy customers look like to all the the millions of hardworking individuals who have ever closed out our nation's proud registers: stupid, entitled, selfish, jerkwads who are everything wrong with America and humanity.

Break out your JNCOs and your Y-necklaces ladies and gents, because your crushes from 1995 just went back on the market.

I think Gavin's hand is hovering over Gwen's shoulder instead of actually touching it.
(via Getty Images)

Musicians Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have announced that, after 13 years of marriage, they're splitting up. It's not a total surprise: Stefani told Cosmopolitan earlier this year that "it's a miracle that we could stay together this long," which generally isn't the sort of statement you make when everything is A-OK, unless you shout "J/K!" after. Stefani didn't.

But hey, if your taste hasn't grown at all and you like the exact same things now that you liked 20 years ago, the singers of "Machine Head" and "Spiderwebs" are available again. But just so you know, their taste has grown and changed. As far as I can figure out, Gavin Rossdale only plays celebrity tennis matches now, and Gwen Stefani spends most of her time sitting in a large red chair, kind of like Santa Claus.

They couple issued a joint statement:

While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment.

Sincere moment: I hope everything works out, and they both end up happier. Also, please do not actually start wearing JNCOs and Y-necklaces again.

Ireland was under attack this weekend from a giant inflatable Minion. Saints preserve us!

A giant inflatable Minion flew loose and caused traffic havoc in Santry this afternoon: http://t.co/IjQ5TDdJpCpic.twitter.com/MQbp2xH6zl

— TheJournal.ie (@thejournal_ie) August 3, 2015

It's not enough that they're on every wall, TV screen, t-shirt, and banner ad you've set eyes on in the last six months, Minions are now out for your blood. The 40 foot inflatable Minion above had been pumped up to terrorize the good people of Ireland for some sort of fair, and the reactions were what you'd expect:

There's a giant minion in Omni.. Hell really is a place on earth pic.twitter.com/EOdE1gMWs4

— Rachel (@shagaway) August 2, 2015

That was even before the Minion became free of its restraints, so you can imagine the reaction when the thing airlifted directly into traffic, causing accidents and delays all along the Santry area of north Dublin. I've never been there, but that sounds disruptive. One guy's side mirror was knocked off, according to The Journal.ie, but aside from that there were no Minion-related injuries.

This time.

Giant '40-foot' Minion causes traffic chaos in Dublin http://t.co/Y1gdFdP63Dpic.twitter.com/jXJX9OUbZb

— Belfast Telegraph (@BelTel) August 3, 2015

Related: Oh, you hate Minions? Well, this one saved a little girl's life, you monster.

I don't judge. I only marvel at mankind's capacity for innovation.

#family#newyork#brooklyn#nails#designer #art#fashionista#love#international#sex#beauty#celebrity #food#hair#model#newyork #funtimes#LosAngelous#Atlanta bubble#bubblenails
A photo posted by JEy (@nerdlmao) on Jun 17, 2013 at 2:20pm PDT

You'd think, at a certain point, we'd be out of ideas for what to do to our nails with some acrylic and enamel. Nope. There are nail geniuses tirelessly pushing the boundaries of what is possible. Do I like the way bubble nails look? I find them unsettling. They're not something I've ever experienced before and I'm...frightened. Would I wear bubble nails? Definitely. Because I want to have the "what is happening with your fingers" conversation over and over.

Bubble nails-so not for me. How do you button anything?! #bubblenails #humpnails
A photo posted by Denise (@denise.annette) on Jul 27, 2015 at 4:55pm PDT

The bubble nails are made from a ball of acrylic that is filed down at the cuticle and tip. Then paint them any way your imagination tells you! I've been hypnotized by Instagram posts tagged with #bubblenail all morning and still haven't seen any of these things painted on them: the planets, basketballs, boobs, Minion eyes, boobs.

Remember: fashion favors the bold. Women wouldn't be wearing pants today (though it is a mixed blessing, to be fair) if some lady hadn't bravely decided she was sick of tripping on stairs.

Trends round de world. So how do you feel about the new bubble nails? #Trends #FashionTrends #Nails #BubbleNails #YeahOrNah
A photo posted by GwanbyCharon (@gwanbycharon) on Jul 28, 2015 at 6:28am PDT

It's a brave new world, with bubble nails in it! Though I realize not everyone wants to embrace progress.

(via Instagram)

"This was a mistake."

Last week, I drove my sister-in-law and my girlfriend to get pedicures. The goal was to leave them there to bond with each other, or whatever it is women do when men aren't around. My brother and I planned to kill time somewhere manly, like a dank bar or a bowling alley, but by the time we arrived, the merits of pedicures had been explained to us thoroughly, and when the lady at the front desk asked, "Four?" I immediately said yes. Why not?

What follow are my thoughts during the pedicure:

I hate having my feet touched. Why did I do this?

Didn't I just read an article about how working in one of these places is borderline human trafficking? Why would I say yes? Why would I support such a thing? This was a mistake.

I should look up that article while I'm sitting here.

AGH! WHAT'S MOVING- Oh, this is a massage chair.

Hey. A foot bath. That will be nice.

Oh, someone just dumped that blue stuff they use to clean toilets into my foot bath.

All right. I hope I don't get the weird old guy. He seems chatty.

I don't understand why the maker of this massage chair thought people wanted it to massage their heads. It feels like someone just pushing my skull forward to get me off the chair.

I hope I don't get this other guy either. He looks like he's killed someone.

Good. The guys paired up with the girls. Hopefully, a girl will do my pedicure.

Wait- Why do I care? It's just my feet. And it's not really a massage or anything. They're just cleaning my feet in different ways. Why does it matter what gender the foot-toucher is? It's going to be creepy no matter what.

Oh, whew. It's a girl.

But she's like 15 years old. This is way worse than having a man touch my feet.

That tickles.

That tickles.

That tickles.

Stop. Stop!

All right. Whatever that was is over.

Is that a scalpel? Is she going to cut into my nails?

Oh, it's like a little spoon on my toenails. OK.

I hope she's not freaked out that my toenails are too long. She must hate doing men's feet. They're so gross. I'm so gross. No amount of money can make up for the horror that is cutting my toenails.

When was the last time I trimmed them? I think it was snowing, so it's been at least a few months.

Why is she laughing? Did I flinch or something? Are my toes funny?

Maybe she's laughing and trying to signal me. This is one of those human trafficking places! She's been doing this since she was five and this place is owned by the mob. I should help her. I should call the police.

Or maybe the article was just about how underpaid they are. I'm going to read that article now.

Wait- I can't read the tell-all piece about manicure/pedicure places not paying their employees WHILE I'M AT ONE! What if they see my phone and get offended because this is one of those places that pays really well and they think I'm judging them? What if I drop my phone and they see it and then throw me out for reading about the plight of nail salon employees right in front of them? That would be embarrassing.

What if I drop my phone in my foot bath?

Worse: what if I drop my phone in a stranger's foot bath? Even if the phone worked after that, I'd throw it away.

I'll just watch some Dr. Phil.

Ew. This episode is about people addicted to heroin.

Maybe the only reason this woman is massaging my feet right now is because she needs something to support her drug habit. What other reason could she have? No one says "when I grow up, I want to wash people's feet!" Except maybe that Jesus guy. This is wrong. I should do something.

She's laughing again. Maybe she's trying to write a secret message with her hands on my feet, telling me to call the Feds.

That tickles.

That tickles.

Ow. That tickles.

I'm flinching again. She thinks I'm a wuss. My girlfriend thinks I'm a wuss. I can't take this. I wouldn't last a day as a woman.

AGH! She's taking a cheese grater to my foot. Why would she do this?

Is she going to break the skin? Aren't there huge veins in my feet that will burst and I'll die?

Arg. Can I ask if I'm allowed to skip this part?

That tickles. That tickles and hurts.

Whew. Finally. We're done.

She's wrapping my feet in a hot towel like those hot towels at Japanese restaurants. I wonder if they make you wrap your feet in a towel before you eat in Japan too. They're very particular about their floors. You can't wear shoes in the house. Maybe all the men there get pedicures every week to make sure their feet look good without shoes. I should write this down.

Oh no. The towel's off and my feet are burning. I'm definitely allergic to something they used on my feet. Probably the blue toilet water. Oh no. I have athlete's foot.

No, it's not athlete's foot. It's a skin parasite or something. It's a flesh-eating virus from the cheese grater they used on my foot.

Everyone else seems fine. I guess I'm fine.

Do I want what? Clear nail polish? Well. We've come this far. Sure.

Wow! My feet look amazing! I should do this more often.

Uh oh. My girlfriend doesn't seem happy with hers. I better pretend I'm also unimpressed with my pedicure. Don't want her to think I actually liked this.

Should I wear sandals all day now? What's the point of getting one of these if I can't show off my feet? I'll just wear my shoes.

Wow! This was so cheap. That definitely means they don't pay the employees enough. I'll leave a tip. I'll give the tip directly to the girl who was touching my feet.

She seemed really weirded out by that.

I'm never doing this again.

It's Jon Stewart's last week at 'The Daily Show,' so make every laugh at this clip count.

Amy Schumer was on The Daily Show last night and we finally got some long-awaited (for four days) answers about her Instagram-documented friendship with Jennifer Lawrence. Apparently, the photos of Schumer and Lawrence on a jet-ski were taken on vacation in The Hamptons.

Finally, my tired mind is at ease after incessantly wondering if that was in LA or somewhere else. Apparently, Schumer takes a trip every year with her girlfriends from high school, but this year they had to go to a new location because, she explained, "they wouldn't let us go back to Martha's Vineyard." Schumer invited Lawrence to go on a boat ride with her friends, and when she told them about it, they screamed.

Which is what I wanted to do when I saw the human pyramid photo but I try to stay cool about celebrity Instagrams when I'm at work.