I live with two cats along with my fiancée.

Despite any disparaging remarks I might make about these two felines, I do consider them dear, dear friends. Just like real people, a lot of times your friends can be real dicks.

Dogs have their own issues, but they're usually not dicks. I've always wanted a dog and never had one. My lifestyle is not conducive towards dog ownership. Perhaps this is why I place dog expectations on my cats. Here is how they let me down when compared to dogs:

They aren't happy to see me when I get home.

I briefly convinced myself otherwise. When I come home from work they're always waiting by the door for me. I began to believe this was a form of affection. The truth is they weren't happy to see me at all. They were only happy to see my hand that puts food into their bowls. Instead of jumping on me with excitement, they immediately begin running in circles around their empty bowls and getting mad at me for having to pee.

They suck at playing fetch.

Cats refuse to play fetch. I'm pretty sure they could if they wanted to, but they will never want to. One of my cats will chase after a thrown toy with great urgency. Said toy is never returned to me via cat, forcing me to get up and fetch it myself. The other one lacks even that much interest. When a toy is thrown near her, she continues to sit comfortably and looks up at me with an expression that says “Why would you do that? Now someone has to pick it up, you idiot."

Taking a cat for a walk is a terrible idea.

Anytime this thought crosses my mind, I quickly realize how crazy it is thirty seconds later. I do not want to be the guy who is walking a leashed cat around an up-and-coming neighborhood in Queens. Sometimes I just feel like they might enjoy the fresh air and seeing something new. I'm usually just projecting my own desires onto them. In these cases I take a walk without them and everything works out fine.

Teaching cats tricks is a waste of time for all involved.

Yes, I'm aware cats can not and will not do tricks. Regardless, I've spent more time than I'm comfortable admitting trying to teach a cat to respond to my commands. This is because I've met people who have told me cats can in fact do tricks. They insist. These people are lousy dirty liars. Do not trust them.

Rebuttal

In the interest of equal time I'm going to offer a brief rebuttal in defense of cats. There is one category where cats are superior to dogs. Pooping. Pooping and peeing. They poop and pee in a box without needing any help from you to do so. That's gotta be worth something.

(Photos via Justin Laub/Thinkstock)

Edward has a face that everybody but a mother could love.

Edward is a two-month-old two-toed sloth who lives at the London Zoo. His keeper, Kelly-Anne Kelleher, cryptically says that "the mother wasn't able to take care of this one," so she's had to raise him, feeding him with goat milk and giving him stuffed sloth toys to hang off of.

Although his story is a little sad, Edward is as cute as all get-out. He's like a modern day Oliver Twist! He even lives in London; it's perfect. "Please sir, can I be a sloth?" This should be a movie.

Since the zoo posted this video a week ago, it's attracted the levels of Internet attention reserved for dresses, Kardashians, and sloths. People can't get enough of his tiny legs and constant yawning.

Do you love Edward, or are you a jerk? Let us know!

If the morning sickness doesn't make her throw up, this video sure will.

I'm sort of OK with this...?

On the one hand, it's a romantic gesture that you don't hear about often: a man getting to tell his wife she's pregnant before she even knows.

On the other hand, even if the guy found a way to do it without stealing her pee from a toilet, the entire video kind of freaks me out. Sam and Nia are a married couple with children who vlog every day. Every. Single. Day.

Maybe if they didn't look like they were super into being on camera, I'd be a little less scared. But this video makes me feel like the husband had multiple meetings with a production company to discuss how to steal some pee and make it look good on video. I'm seeing a genuine moment in a married couple's life...and yet...I also feel like I'm watching a prepackaged moment. It looks like a guerilla-style Hallmark comercial, and my biggest worry is that this is what real people are actually like now. Constantly acting like they're on camera. Never frowning. Never not camera-ready.

I fear for everyone involved.

If you set it to footage from 'Titanic,' the movie becomes a parody of itself.

"My Heart Will Go On," the song written for the Titanic soundtrack by Celine Dion, is the go-to sappy love song you sing to annoy people. Postmodern Jukebox, an organization that makes vintage adaptations of modern hits, re-arranged it with a live band to make it sound like a 1950s Jackie Wilson-style song. Unsurprisingly, it's way more fun and accessible than the original. All they have to do is change their pretentious band name and they'll be on the road to mainstream success.

If you liked that, check out these other Postmodern Jukebox covers:

"I Kissed A Girl"
"Oops!… I Did It Again"
"Timber"

Todd Courser, a Michigan State Representative and Tea Party member with a wife and four children, was afraid that his extramarital affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat was going to be exposed.

Rep. Todd Courser took some completely logical actions to stop the media from finding out about his affair with another state representative: he asked his aide to spread a rumor that he was caught having sex with a man behind a club. He did this in the hopes that this scandal would overshadow the other scandal, because that is how scandals work according to Courser (you are as confused as I am). Unfortunately, because his plan was preposterous, and because he was comfortable enough to share it with a young aide, and because we live in the modern world, the aide recorded him talking about his plans and leaked the audio to The Detroit News. In the recording, Courser reasons that:

“It will make anything else that comes out after that — that isn’t a video — mundane, tame by comparison [...] I need a controlled burn.”

He is unironically using a fire metaphor to describe himself making an even bigger fire. The aide, Ben Graham, was working for both Courser and Gamrat. After hearing about the plan, he refused to help his boss. The following e-mail went out anyways (presumably from Courser), the day after the recorded talk:

Graham and another aide working for Gamrat were fired a few months later without any notice, which I'm guessing was another backwards attempt to distance himself from his affair? It's hard to tell with this guy. He's probably fabricating a Nazi ancestor or money laundering scandal as we speak, which we can only assume to cover up the scandal of him covering up the scandal of his original, primal scandal: that goatee.

A family friend leaked the name of Kimye's second baby to the 'Daily Mail.'

Here's the latest celebrity scoop hot off the presses. North West's baby brother has a name! Good news for anyone who thought they were going to take the Prince approach with him. A close family friend (not that close, apparently) gave the Daily Mail the secret intel:

"Easton is the chosen name. It's confirmed that the baby boy will be called Easton."

There you have it! Easton West. In the past, the couple gave multiple hints that they weren't going in a direction direction for this baby, but it seems like they've gone 180° since then. And the direction they wound up going is… due Easton.

The "-on" suffix is a nice touch, though. It makes his name sound more like a name. What does this mean for baby #3? Will he/she be called Westley? Or Southington? Probably not. Kim has gone on record saying:

"I don't like South West, though, because that's like, you know, North will always, you know, be better and be more...she has a better direction."

That's weird reasoning. Does everyone feel that North is a superior direction to South? Don't tell that to South America.

He'll soon face a dawn of justice.

Just like Bruce Wayne, Ben Affleck is a reclusive millionaire who stays out of public view because he's divorcing Elektra and sleeping with the nanny. Actually Bruce Wayne did none of those things, and Affleck is not an orphaned superhero. But as the Dark Knight says, "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." And it would appear that Affleck is doing the latter. 

After Affleck and Jennifer Garner announced their split, which like an avalanche caused several other famous couples to announce their breakups, they requested privacy and kept low profiles. And we all know the best way to maintain a low profile following a celebrity divorce from your wife is to bang the nanny you hired in the spring. Other suitable options include running down the 405 naked or shooitng flares at the LAPD.

And to think, the story he tried to conceal was that his ancestors owned slaves. Get your priorities in order, Ben.

"Donald Trump said another horrible thing to get attention, and it worked." This is a sentence we will probably repeat a lot over the next year.

Earlier this week, Donald Trump, a person who wants to be president of the United States, during a debate with a series of competitors who also want to be president of the United States, called a female comedian a fat pig. And everyone laughed uproariously because it was super cool and appropriate. They loved how he wasn't "politically correct," a term that apparently means not bullying an innocent person in front of millions of viewers.

Now Trump went for those same laughs when he talked to CNN About debate moderator Megyn Kelly:

Ohhhh, the mean lady was on her period, so that's why she was being so emotional. One vote for Donald Trump, please.

Trump is now both dismissing criticism of what he said as "political correctness" and backtracking on his remarks. Those excuses kind of contradict each other. Were you not saying she was on her period or is it really chill and professional to say she was on her period? Help us out.

Pick a method of gaslighting, Trump! You're all over the place.

This is barely a contest.

Jimmy Fallon is highly experienced at playing games with celebrities. He might be the most veteran celebrity game player in the business—actually, the world.

But that doesn't seem to help him when he's matched up with Taylor Kitsch. Fallon notes before this round of Beer Hockey (I trust you to figure out the rules) that Kitsch has already beaten him "at all these other hockey games." Kitsch promptly beats him at this one, too.

Don't try to play sports against Tim Riggins. Even beer sports.

Family hug at Kylie's 18th birthday party.

Caitlyn Jenner appeared alongside ex-wife Kris Jenner for the first time since her transition at Kylie's 18th birthday party. Kim Kardashian snapped the pic and posted it to her Instagram, because that's her job. Think about it. Her job is to be a socialite and social media personality. That's it! And all because her dad was one of O.J. Simpson's attorneys.

But back to this loving family photo. Look at all those contoured faces. Do you know how many hours of makeup artistry were invested on those three faces? I don't either, but I'd guess 1000 hours. You have to look your best when the world is watching. And you have to be on your best behavior as divorced parents when you jointly attend your child's birthday party. All it takes is a few barbed words under your breath, and boom, it escalates into a shouting match with a dozen horrified little onlookers in those cute paper hats. Or in the case of Kylie Jenner's 18th birthday party, a dozen elite onlookers with more money and power than they know what to do with.

On the surface level, it's about cats being cute. But it's ultimately a story about life, technology, and what it now means to be a family. Or actually, it's about cats being cute.

In a much needed break from the fast-paced world of feuding, Taylor Swift posted to Instagram an adorable video of her two cats. In the caption, she titled the video "Coming Home to Mixed Reactions - a short film." Then, (spoiliers for Taylor Swift's Instagram video of her cats follow!) over dramatic music, we see that Olivia Benson is excited to see her, while Meredith Grey is...not. It's funny, it's cute, and it's a subtle metaphor for the way the public views Taylor Swift's public persona with a complex combination of respect and criticism. Or it's at least some of those things.

Movie trailers have really been making me feel things lately. And I'm not complaining.

The upcoming film About Ray stars Elle Fanning as a transgender teen, and after watching the first trailer, I'm ready to award any of the actors in the film Oscars. Although if it were up to me, the acting Oscars would probably very often be given to the people in the trailer I most recently watched. What can I say? Sometimes commercials move me. Especially when they're star-studded and explorative of gender norms.

Apparently you can trick Bieber with dogs. Good to know.

If you need to trick Justin Bieber in person, say because you're a vampire trying to get him to invite you inside, selling him magic beans, or serving him with legal papers, all you need is a dog. A lawyer who wanted to serve Bieber papers just happened to be on the same beach walking a dog. No big deal, purely a coincidence. It is known that Bieber loves dogs, and they are much simpler agents with which to lure the Biebs than sports cars or prostitutes. When he kneeled down to pet the dog, the lawyer presented the papers. All too easy.

The lawyer represents a home owner who is suing Meek Mill. Bieber had been a guest at Meek's blowout Grammy party, which was held in a giant glass house. That's right, someone rented their giant glass house to Meek Mill for a party. What could go wrong? Here are the keys to my glass house you're using for a party where all the guests are hip hop stars. Help yourself to popsicles in the freezer and here's the number for poison control.

Only time will tell if Bieber can ever trust another strange dog.

She summers in Switzerland on a motherf-ing boat.

Amy Schumer does everything well, including dancing to the Backstreet Boys on a boat. Not just any boat, but a boat in Switzerland. Between comedy tours, her own TV show, and a summer blockbuster, I'd say she's earned it. It's right up there with other typical summer activities like riding a jet ski with Jennifer Lawrence.

In addition to her commercial successes, she keeps busy with squashing bros that don't get her comedy, and responding to critics that have never seen her work. Homegirl deserves all the quality boat time in the world, especially when it involves slowly floating by majestic Swiss cliffs. And no ambience like that is complete without a Backstreet Boys soundtrack.

To be certain, she'll battle trolls and critics forever. But none of them will ever be on a boat in Switzerland.

You're lucky you ever worked in this town again, Stamos.

Remember in the trailer for Lifetime's The Unauthorized Full House Story when faux John Stamos complained about the acting skills of faux Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? And it was crazy, because why would anyone ever do that? Apparently, that little vignette was true to life.

According to Entertainment Weekly, John Stamos tried to have the baby actors fired. He said at a Television Critics Association press event:

“It’s sort of true that the Olsen twins cried a lot. It was very difficult to get the shot. So I [gesturing], ‘Get them out…!’ That is actually 100 percent accurate. They brought in a couple of unattractive redheaded kids. We tried that for a while and that didn’t work. [Producers] were like, all right, get the Olsen twins back. And that’s the story.” 

Very classy to squeeze in that the other babies were "unattractive." 

This should serve as an important reminder to all grumpy old people to think of any baby as a potential future multimedia mogul.

None of the other options were as handsome or charming.

Stephen Colbert announced that his first guest on The Late Show will be George Clooney. Selecting a guest for the first show is tricky, because they do a lot of the heavy lifting for a new host that's finding their groove. Seth Meyers had Amy Poehler, Conan had John Goodman, and when Jimmy Fallon took over The Tonight Show he had Robert De Niro, Tina Fey, Seth Rogen, Kim Kardashian, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rudy Giuliani, Mariah Carey, Mike Tyson, and Lady Gaga.

Clooney is an outstanding choice, and he can really do no wrong. Like the time earlier this summer when he took his wife back to his small hometown in Kentucky. Let's hope he helps get Stephen off to a strong, handsome, chiseled start.

I still have no idea why we call them raccoons, though. Or why they hate phones. (Full video below)

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"Trash pandas" is a term for raccoons that recently originated on reddit, and has gained a lot of currency for being an accurate yet cute descriptor for these intelligent scavengers most often seen feasting on the immense bounties Americans throw out every night. Keeping them as pets is usually illegal in the US, but acceptable in several European countries, where they are referred to by different names, such as "wash bear," "laundry bear," and "wash rat" for their habit of dunking food in water and rubbing it before eating. In the case of this Russian couple, however, the wash bear seems less interested in washing food and more so in washing anything his owners find dear (much like my uncle's old border collie, who would enact revenge for being left alone by destroying something precious, like a wallet or an often-handled photographed).