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Guy who's been on hold for 16 years raids a call center convention in Las Vegas to get some answers.

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Harry has been on hold since 1999, so he spent his life savings to travel to Las Vegas to the 16th Annual Call Center Convention to figure out why. Did you know there was such thing as a Call Center Convention? Of course this snooze-fest convention had to take place in the City of Neon Love in order to be even remotely interesting.

Even though the simple answer to his question of being on hold is "because you never hung up the phone, Harry," he's clearly looking for a more in-depth response to his query. Most of the call center representatives' convoluted responses make literally zero sense, and he might as well just ask the hold music to help him solve his somewhat existential crisis. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hARH9V4iK8s

This video, created by comedian Rob Lathan, was actually part of a campaign called #HoldNoMore that is trying to get rid of the 1-800 number.

In a time when people barely use the phone, Rob found the only thing we all still do: wait for another human's voice on the other end of your shattered iPhone to ask why your Internet is being slow again.


The Onion media empire set to conquer tabloid journalism with StarWipe.

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StarWipe is "Watching The Stars, So You Don't Have To."

We're pretty darn excited for StarWipe, a new site from The Onion media empire launching on Monday (9/21) that will be devoted to mocking celebrity gossip outlets like TMZ and E!, sites like Perez Hilton, and the tabloid rags. StarWipe will bring an Onion sensibility to the world of celebrity news, media and culture, but unlike The Onion and their blog-parody ClickHole, the new StarWipe will also report on real tabloid news as it happens. This makes sense, given that its editor-in-chief, Sean O'Neal, is a long-time senior editor at The Onion's sister publication, The A.V. Club, the thinking hipster's entertainment outlet. They've already started leaking content on Twitter and Facebook, so you can preview what's to come:

https://www.facebook.com/917440214962126/photos/a.939269622779185.1073741828.917440214962126/939796332726514/?type=1

The site will both feed your need for up-to-the-minute celebrity news, adding a smart comic spin to real events, as well as offering parodies of stock features of tabloid media. Unlike The Onion, which can say literally anything because it's all fiction, StarWipe seems to be having fun living in the twilight zone between parody and outright libel with features like "Facts You Can't Prove Aren't True About—" and "Tips For Talking To—" various celebrities.

https://twitter.com/StarWipe/status/644219986957991936

Hailing itself as "the most trusted source in the untrustworthy world of celebrity gossip," StarWipe joins ClickHole and Vice parody EdgeTV as the newest jewels in the crown of The Onion's comedy empire. We're certainly not going to stop consuming celebrity minutiae and following pointless feuds any time soon, but now at least we'll feel better about it. Here are more of StarWipe's preview jokes from their Twitter and Facebook, which you can follow now before the full site goes live on Monday:

https://www.facebook.com/917440214962126/photos/a.939269622779185.1073741828.917440214962126/939759276063553/?type=1&theater

Will StarWipe make celebrity news more important? Probably not, but we're glad a publication is finally going to treat the subject with the respect it truly deserves.

Bristol Palin, cultural commentator, is mad Obama invited Ahmed Mohamed to the White House.

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Bristol Palin disagrees with Obama's move to invite Ahmed Mohamed, the 14-year-old scientist arrested for making a clock, to the White House, which should have belonged to her mom. In a blog post on Patheos, a cool site whose slogan is "Hosting the Conversation on Faith," Palin shared her thoughts on #standing with Ahmed.

Welcome back!

She posted a screenshot of Obama's tweet (not even an embed? Come on, Bristol!) and suggested that Obama's not just supporting the kid, he's egging on a race war: 

This is the kind of stuff Obama needs to STAY out of. This encourages more racial strife that is already going on with the “Black Lives Matter” crowd and encourages victimhood.

The police made a mistake, clearly.

But why put more people against them? Why egg it on?  Childish games like this from our president have divided our country…  even more today than when he was elected.

Strong words. Maybe this Palin will run against Kanye in 2020. 

Here's a baby surrounded by puppies because you made it to Friday.

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A newborn baby surrounded by newborn puppies—this is the entire reason the internet exists. If you have had a long week, prepare to feast your eyes on the cutest thing ever. And even if you have had a great week, it's about to get even better. The baby and puppies were born on the same day to one very lucky family, and one photographer, Teresa Raczynski of Park Avenue Photography, got to capture it because she has the best job in the world.

This is the baby.
These are the beasts.
And OMFG here they are together.
THIS.
Looks like a member of The Night's Watch.

Why would anyone fantasize about a pile of money when you could have a pile of puppies? 

Buffalo Wild Wings fires Steve Rannazzisi over his lies about escaping World Trade Center.

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Steve Rannazzisi of The League just lost his job as spokes-guy for Buffalo Wild Wings. All because he spun a wild web of lies about surviving 9/11. In The League, Steve plays a beer-drinking, wing-loving, football-fantasizing everydude, but it looks like the sports bar chain doesn't want to associate with him. Guess they don't want people to be thinking about the consequences of their actions while eating Buffalo Wild Wings. 

Wings go in, lies come out.

Rannazzisi's lie, although crazy and stupid, isn't that uncommon. Apparently, people lie about 9/11 a lot. On the bright side, wing mascot Steve's story is less of a downer than sandwich bummer Jared.

Not Coolio: Fan pulls major party foul when taking selfie with 90s music legend.

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A fan had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to take a selfie with 90s rapper/producer/actor/chef Coolio. You've probably fantasized about being in the same situation, if not with Coolio than with a star from your own childhood. You may have thought about what you would say or do, imagining yourself being charming and sophisticated, turning one of your heroes into a friend for life. You probably didn't imagine yourself doing what this klutz did.

Fantastic Spillage.

The best thing about this selfie is it was taken at the perfect moment. Coolio knows what's happened, but the poor fan still has no idea. You have to imagine that a split-second later, that smile vanished right off her face. Coolio can't have been too happy – everyone knows that walking around all day in a wet t-shirt will turn any gangster's paradise into a gangster's nightmare.

Then again, he probably didn't stay mad for long. Any guy who crashes college parties, cooks for the kids and then sings with them must be pretty laid-back.

This woman is suing a bar after one of their specialty cocktails ate a hole in her stomach.

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Gaby Scanlon, of Lancaster, England, had two of the famous "liquid nitrogen" cocktails at Oscar's Wine Bar for her 18th birthday celebration. All of a sudden, she "collapsed in agony" with "steam pouring from her mouth and nose." She had to be rushed to the hospital, where stomach was removed in order to save her life.

This is what happens when you drink and do chemistry.

Liquid nitrogen is nitrogen gas cooled down to almost -200˚ Celsius, and it can cause cryogenic burns when it comes in contact with flesh or tissue. It also makes a cool smoking effect when poured into drinks, so naturally, gimmicky bars like to serve it. To serve it safely in a drink, however, the drink needs to sit for at least 10 seconds after the nitrogen has been poured. This allows it to turn into gas and warm up a bit. 

The bar had consulted with a cryogenics company and an environmental health officer about the use of the gas in their cocktails, but in Scanlon's case, they failed to adhere to the 10-second rule. Upon consumption, the liquid nitrogen began killing the internal tissue of her stomach. After she was rushed to the hospital and her stomach was removed in surgery, her esophagus had to be directly connected to her bowel. Even though that sounds like a crazy horror movie operation, the human body can adjust to it. Scanlon will still suffer from stomach pain, risk of bacterial infection, and vitamin deficiency, but things definitely could've been a lot worse. 

The bar pleaded guilty to violating the Health and Safety at Work Act and was fined "£100,000 with £40,000 costs" (in total, this is around $200,000). This serves as a warning to avoid alcoholic drinks that can kill you instantly, and just stick with the ones that can kill you slowly over a few decades.

14 times people overcame boredom at work by writing highly obnoxious fridge notes.

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The workplace refrigerator is a passive-aggressive battlefield second only to the rest of the workplace.

But if you don’t want to be the brunt of some hilarious anger, it's as simple as not eating food and cleaning out your stuff when it goes bad. (I’m talking to you, Jeremy.)


1. Forever alone.


2. Also, this pen is toxic and the ink tends to bleed through.


3. If "oxy" is what I think it is, that's just make 'em want it more.


4. I bet that guy's name isn't really even Dave, you guys.


5. Cool, free soda and free money!


6. Thus explaining the secret mystery flavor of Dr Pepper.


7. Prove it.


8. It's your fault for buying pink Post-Its.


9. So you say.


10. This sign can talk!


11. Things die to be food. Things must die so that we shall live. Whoa.


12. Don't break my heart.


13. It's good to be the boss.


14. Drinking an Arnold Palmer is punishment enough.

 


Beyonce, Blue Ivy and Jay Z do some family dancing in this very polished home video.

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Beyonce posted a home video on Instagram of her vacation with husband Jay Z and daughter Blue Ivy. Not surprisingly, it is very well edited and features a remix of the song "Can't Take My Eyes Off You." We expect nothing less when Queen Bey posts a video. It features highlights from their family vacation in Italy, which they are taking by way of a yacht named the "Galactica Star." That sounds like a fitting family vacation for music moguls.

https://instagram.com/p/7v8TFYPw55/?taken-by=beyonce

While this video is very upbeat, we also know that every family finds a way to argue while on vacation, even when they're on a giant yacht. It'd be great if Jay Z became the angry dad and threatened to turn that boat right around and take everyone back home to New York.

A British guy won 'America's Got Talent,' so let's all freak out.

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The Revolutionary War's end in 1783 firmly established the United States as a sovereign nation apart from the British Empire. Despite that, the British have infiltrated and claimed one of contemporary America's most prestigious titles. Paul Zerdin, a ventriloquist from London, home to the throne on which the British monarch sits, has insidiously competed on a show celebrating American achievement.... and won. That's right: a foreigner won America's Got Talent. 

Donald Trump was right when he said that immigrants are of the utmost threat.

View the performances that made the judges — including the Canadian Howie Mandel and the German Heidi Klum — bestow this blow to American independence. 

 

Would you like to see a sea otter learn to use an inhaler? Yes, of course you would.

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Mishka is a one-year-old sea otter at the Seattle Aquarium who has asthma. She was diagnosed last month, and it may have been caused by smoke from wildfires that spread across the area, poor little thing. But she's been taught to use an inhaler by pushing her adorable sea otter nose on an inhaler and taking a breath. How did she learn this? With food, of course! The only reason any of us do anything. OK, time to eat a donut even though it's late and I just gorged myself on pizza.

Try to watch this without saying "awwww." It's harder than completing American Ninja Warrior.

 

Conservative teen vlogger unloads on Obama for inviting Ahmed to the White House, goes viral.

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CJ Pearson is a 13-year-old conservative vlogger from Georgia. His YouTube rants on everything from Common Core education to George Takei have attracted a rabid fanbase of right-wingers hungry for a spokesman who doesn't look like the people on money. His Facebook page boasts more than 55,000 followers, so obviously this skinny-armed, passionate young man is striking a chord. But his latest video has gone viral in a way he never has before, because it deals with another teenage boy on everyone's minds right now: Ahmed Mohamed.

He's got Republican fashion down pat.

When the 14-year-old in Texas was arrested for bringing a vaguely bomblike clock that he had built to school, nerd icons from the aforementioned George Takei to Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak came forward with messages of support. Most notable among them was President Barack Obama, a man who definitely does not have a fan in CJ Pearson (a Ted Cruz supporter). The president offered Mohamed a chance to visit the White House (clock in tow), which rankled Pearson. He feels there are many candidates more deserving of that honor:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN5Lj_74u38

Maybe he has a point that Obama hasn't done enough to show solidarity with police killed in the line of duty and their families. Does that mean it was inappropriate for him to invite Ahmed? The answer to that depends on your personal politics. But whatever you may believe, you have to admit that this kid knows what he's talking about. He's got the fire in his belly, and he's skilled in rhetoric well beyond his years. He's got a bright future ahead either in politics or the media. He could be an excellent pundit — he clearly put a lot more thought into this video than most of the professional talking heads would have done.

Dudes grooming their eyebrows for the first time will remind you how much eyebrow grooming sucks.

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The latest episode in BuzzFeed's "Men Try..." series asks the guys to find their inner Cara Delevingne and groom their eyebrows. The men took on the tasks of plucking, trimming, and shading to various degrees of success. 

You're lucky you're not getting them waxed, buddy.

One dude described this seemingly un-dude thing in the most dude way possible: "This is literally like diffusing a bomb. If you go too far, you're dead." Another dude said, "I feel like I took Ron Swanson's mustache and stuck them above my eyeballs."  

While these guys didn't fare particularly well, they at least did better than Joey on Friends:

 

This couple created a 75-foot mega bed to sleep with their pets.

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Reddit user Robdogbird posted a picture of a giant bed he and his girlfriend built in order to accommodate all of their pets, and it will make you want to take a nap ASAP. It's a king bed plus a full bed, and altogether, it's 6.5 x 11 feet (75 square feet). They have five cats and two dogs, so now they definitely have enough room for the whole family to get in on the snuggle action.

It's missing something...
There we go.

Here are individual shots of the whole squad:

SSSQQQQQUUUUUUUAAAA-
-AAAAADDDDD.

It's a pretty beautiful thing, but because it's Reddit, someone had to bring up the sex part:

How does sex work? Do the pets ever get in the way? Even if not, do you and your partner mind the animals watching? ...Do you like that they watch?

Gahhhh, come on, Quizardus. You're better than that.

Girls shave their boyfriends' faces and prove they have the most trusting relationships ever.

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Two gentlemen with the fearlessness of dragon-tamers allowed their girlfriends to shave off their beards. It takes a lot of trust to allow someone to take a razor to your face and neck. It takes urban-landfill-mountains of trust to allow someone to do this who has never done it before.

"Why is your neck so uneven?"

These two couples are true portraits of trust in a relationship. You can tell from the guys' faces they are, like, REALLY trying to keep it together while they try not to imagine these wonderful women accidentally slitting their throats.

"Oh yeah, totally fine with this."

Through cringing and grimacing, the beards are shaved. Blood is drawn. Apologies are made. Everyone comes out stronger from the experience. Here's the full video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEBE6-YpArY&feature=youtu.be

 


An invisibility cloak is being developed for science and Harry Potter nerds.

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Researchers at UC Berkeley have successfully built a very, very, very small invisibility cloak. The experiment concealed an object that was about one-thousandth of an inch. It works by affecting how light would typically bounce off a three-dimensional object. Normally light becomes distorted when it does this, but the cloak reroutes the light to make it appear is if it is coming from a two-dimensional object, basically making a flat mirror appear. Even better, they said the cloak could be programmed to match the background behind the object. The cloak is made of an ultra-thin layer of gold blocks that make this magic possible. What's the point of draping yourself in a pimp gold cloak if no one can see it?

The future of hide and seek.

It will take time for the researchers to scale up the cloak for larger objects, though they're confident that it's possible. They also noted this technology could have military implications, because they want some of that sweet, sweet military-industrial complex money. So when invisible drones start picking people off from the sky, we'll have these scientists to thank.

Was Jessica Simpson drunk on the Home Shopping Network last night?

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Last night, Jessica Simpson was acting drunk during her appearance on the Home Shopping Network to promote her clothing line. Luckily, someone watching recorded a clip and uploaded it to YouTube. A source has reported that "she was not drinking," but you can judge for yourself:

https://youtu.be/EtyQ0fr_Zbw

Because the starts were perfectly aligned, a bunch of people on Twitter had the same reaction to the show and started tweeting about it:

https://twitter.com/Scampidino/status/644703064365121536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/Rorivera27/status/644701933358436352?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/FreakingAnnoyed/status/644692507478114304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

I'm in the pro-"Jessica was drunk" camp, but then again, the line between drunk Jessica Simpson and regular Jessica Simpson sure is a blurry one.

Ninja kid discreetly poops in supermarket and walks off as cool as can be.

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Russia is the land of amazing found video. Between shocking dash cam footage and baffling bear clips, there's always something new to enjoy. Factoring in the deliciousness of borscht, we should all give thanks every day that providence put this wonderful country on the map.

Take this supermarket surveillance video. At first, it seems like an ordinary clip of a kid standing unsupervised in a busy store. Nothing weird about that. Then you notice his strange body language. He's rocking back and forth, bending over slightly in a way that suggest abdominal distress. Could he be… but no. He walks off down the aisle, convincing you that everything is as it should be. Then he pauses, lifts his leg, and with a deft shake of his short pants, makes history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7328jrPog

But the video isn't done there. As though we haven't already been spoiled, a man in flip-flops (flip-flops for God's sake!) comes by without noticing the large human turd on the floor. How can this be real? He steps around it several times, once again tricking you into doubting that the inevitable will happen. Then he slips in and smears poop all over the floor.

Merry Christmas, Internet!

This dog watched over her best friend when she was stuck in a well for over a week.

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A Washington state animal rescue organization found Tillie, an Irish Setter and Spaniel mix, watching over her dog friend Phoebe, a basset hound, in a cistern where she was trapped for over a week. Tillie would often run out and grab the attention of a community member who lived near the ravine where the cistern was located, but she would always return to watch over Phoebe.

I want a calendar of just this.

After Tillie had gone out to notify the community member a few times, that person finally reported her to Vashon Island Pet Protection. They drove to the ravine and called out for Tillie, who barked to help them locate her.  

Awwwwwwwwww.

Phoebe couldn't get out because the cistern was tall and Basset Hounds have small arms and legs. She could drink the water that was collected inside to sustain her until the rescuers came, though. Here's the rescue organization's Facebook post about the whole ordeal, which went viral:

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=918052744947706&id=100662740020048

You know how people always make the joke about Lassie saving Timmy from the well? This story is pretty much that but in real life and with Timmy being a dog.

Obama to nominate first openly gay Army secretary.

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President Obama is nominating Eric Fanning to be Secretary of the Army. If he is confirmed by the Senate, it will make him the first openly gay person in that role. Fanning has been the Acting Under Secretary of the Army, and he is a top choice since the current secretary, John McHugh, is preparing to leave the post. Fanning is a close advisor to Defense Secretary Ashton Carter, and has served as the Air Force under secretary and deputy under secretary of the Navy.

An extremely qualified and deserving candidate.

We hope that his confirmation vote by the Senate is swift, and that he has continued success in his military career. 

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