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Watch a weepy Justin Timberlake thank Jessica Biel for 3 years of marriage, cry that he's taken.

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Last night, Memphis-native Justin Timberlake was inducted to the Memphis Hall of Fame, which is like the Hollywood Hall of Fame but people actually eat there. 

Jimmy Fallon introduced the singer and actor, joking, "Who better to induct him than me, Mrs. Justin Timberlake?" But the real star of the show was the real Mrs. Justin Timberlake, actress Jessica Biel. 

"Thank you to my beautiful, understanding-of-her-husband's shortcomings wife," Jessica, Timberlake said during his acceptance speech. After a cute riff on how she's built enough for a Southern lady, he added: "She's a rock, and she is tough as nails, so she's basically a Memphian." 

"Baby I love you, more than I can put it to words and more than any song I could ever write," he continues, "We actually just celebrated our third year anniversary, which in Hollywood years is like a fifteen year anniversary, so good on you, girl. I didn't drive you too crazy yet." (It's true, most other celebrity couples don't make it this far. Mad respect to the Timberlakes.)

Here's the whole ceremony, with his loving dedication to Biel beginning at 25 minutes in. Or enjoy the whole ceremony, you're not going to get work done on this dreary Monday anyway. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_J1V1tjrRI&t=25m30s

 


Taylor Swift just made the ultimate Taylor Swift reference in a post about her injured finger.

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Taylor Swift recently hurt her hand, probably baking red velvet cupcakes for Lily Aldridge and Serayah or icing an Ina Garten flag cake for her cats. She posted an Instagram of her bandaged injury with an apt quote from pop icon...herself.

https://instagram.com/p/89HO_yDvHk/

Yes, she wrote "Band aids don't fix kitchen knife-related injuries," along with the underused knife emoji, which has been waiting for a glamorous celebrity breakout moment like this. The caption is a classic T-Swift quirky play on the much-quoted "Band aids don't fix bullet holes" lyric from her song "Bad Blood," which is either about Katy Perry or cryptically about Katy Perry.

Swift wrote "13" on her bandage, because it's her lucky number, as you know or you're not her real friend. 

Article 31

This college student thinks he doesn't 'look like' a rapist so he's taking a stand against consent classes.

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George Lawler, a Warwick University student and writer for school paper The Tab, was enraged by a Facebook invite he received recently titled "I Heart Consent Training Classes." Instead of ignoring it and moving on with his life, he decided to write an op-ed, and wow...it is a doozie. First of all, here's the photo he used for illustration:

You don't want to know what we think you look like, buddy.

As you might guess from his "this is not what a rapist looks like" sign, George is not a rapist. As an official Not Rapist, George doesn't think he has anything left to learn about consent or rape culture, and he spits on your Facebook invite. He wrote in the now-viral piece:

Let me explain, I love consent. Of course people should only interact with mutual agreement, but I still found this invitation loathsome. Like any self-respecting individual would, I found this to be a massive, painful, bitchy slap in the face. To be invited to such a waste of time was the biggest insult I’ve received in a good few years. It implies I have an insufficient understanding of what does and does not constitute consent and that’s incredibly hurtful. I can’t stress that enough.

I feel as if I’m taking the “wrong” side here, but someone has to say it – I don’t have to be taught to not be a rapist. That much comes naturally to me, as I am sure it does to the overwhelming majority of people you and I know. Brand me a bigot, a misogynist, a rape apologist, I don’t care. I stand by that.

Having your feelings hurt is real. The insinuation that he may at some point have taken advantage of someone sexually, by choice or by accident, is very repugnant to George. Fair enough. However, he's pretty chill with directing some out-sized insults at the organizers of the sexual education seminar:

Self-appointed teachers of consent: get off your fucking high horse. I don’t need your help to understand basic human interaction. Secondly, go and do something. Real people need your help and they deserve better than you. Next time you consider inviting me or anyone else to another bullshit event like this, have a little respect for the intelligence and decency of your peers. You might find that’s a more effective solution than accusing them of being vile rapists-in-waiting who can only be taught otherwise by a smug, righteous, self-congratulatory intervention.

Obviously, this piece was somewhat inflammatory:

https://twitter.com/sirenabergman/status/654599549147852800https://twitter.com/Susuana_Xx/status/654571064048140288?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/ionewells/status/654306082458869760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/clairewroteit/status/654625820296785920?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/JonaLisaG/status/655035220555534336https://twitter.com/Dubhghlas95/status/654980151470641152

The organizer of the "I Heart Consent Training Classes," Josie Throup, responded in her own op-ed for The Tab:

The problem of sexual violence only gets worse at universities. If, as this writer claims “Russell group students” understand the nuances of consent, how do we explain the fact that one in seven women students will be raped or sexually assaulted during their time at university? This epidemic is going unseen and un-talked about...

I wanted to run workshops which debunk the common myth which people like this writer still seem to believe, that “Rape only occurs between strangers in dark alleys.” He took a picture with a sign, proclaiming “This is not what a rapist looks like”, when the truth is, it is.

I’m not saying this writer himself has sexually assaulted someone but he seems to believe there is a particular profile of person that would, who’s too busy lurking in the shadows somewhere to attend a consent workshop.

She adds that the trainings are not solely to tell men how to conduct themselves sexually. They exist to teach women how to communicate about their own needs and comfort levels, which sounds like a good thing if you want to have an enthusiastic sex partner.

Dude in the back doesn't even know he's getting pulled into this sh*t show.

The workshops also focus on how life outside the bedroom can be fraught for people who have experienced sexual abuse, and there are lots of ways for Not Rapists to take a stand:

On this campus, Warwick sports teams chant songs about rape. A friend of mine from a club here at Warwick told me about a pre-drinks in which members of his club raised their voices as one in the chant. An exec member who had attended an I Heart Consent workshop last year told them to stop, mindful of survivors in the room who would be traumatized, and perpetrators who would be empowered.

Many people have been inspired to speak out against George's article (though you can't tell from reading the horrendous comments), and one of the most popular responses is a blog post by student Nessa Dineen. She has a lot to say about all the times she's been squeezed, grabbed or had her dress pulled up by guys who probably didn't think they were rapists. She also says one of the most obvious things:

The man in the article wouldn’t sit through the class because he found it condescending. What a terrible experience for him to be patronized this way! I once sat through a 2 hour lab that was teaching people to how use Twitter. Do you think I made a big song and dance out of it because I already knew how to use Twitter and had been on it for years? That it was 2013 and every person of the age at the age 19 knew what Twitter was? No. Because I saw the need for it and it was interesting to learn it from a different perspective. Men don’t need to be taught not to rape. They need to be taught what rape is. What full consent is in different scenarios. So that the things that have happened to me in only the last 2 years don’t happen to girls in the future.

There is a lot of discussion about whether consent classes should become mandatory in college, and many UK universities have implemented voluntary ones. George Lawler's hated Facebook invite, however, was not binding.

Self-described 'perv magnet' has archived over 1,000 creepy messages from dudes online.

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Mia Matsumiya is a professional violinist who created the Instagram account Perv_Magnet to share the creepy messages she's gotten from weirdos on social media. She writes in her bio: "I've archived 1,000+ messages from creeps, weirdos & fetishists over the past 10 years." The messages were directed at both her and her friends. The medium of harassment spans from MySpace in 2005 to OKCupid in 2015. Here are some of her scariest collected messages, which show that while the Internet has evolved, dudes haven't. 

1. The "virgin flesh" -obsessed creep. 

https://instagram.com/p/88xsS6E8aq/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

2. The full-blown racist creep.

https://instagram.com/p/81uVdnk8bV/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

3. The Japanese fetish creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8pQCzDE8W5/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

4. The white supremacist creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8jaEAXk8Uc/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

5. The "porn boxes" creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8YqNIxk8bp/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

6. The curious creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8G30yFk8Zp/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

7. The "child rapping" creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8DqZj8k8dd/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

8. The confessional creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8BdzjKE8cH/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

9. The "As a friend!" creep.

https://instagram.com/p/75VaojE8Qc/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

10. The rapist creep.

https://instagram.com/p/862EV8k8Xd/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

11. The "solicitation" creep.

https://instagram.com/p/8RePr9k8XD/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

https://instagram.com/p/8ReNbME8W_/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

https://instagram.com/p/8ReLONk8W4/?taken-by=perv_magnet

 

https://instagram.com/p/8ReInkE8Wz/?taken-by=perv_magnet

12. The "Asian virginity" creep. 

https://instagram.com/p/8UoIcsE8bp/

 

Article 28

True American carves his pumpkin by shooting it with a rifle.

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YouTuber hickok45 uses a rifle to carve his pumpkins—an innovative new approach that will surely catch on this holiday season. His real name is Greg, and he's a 64-year-old retired middle school teacher from Tennessee with a passion for marksmanship. He started making shooting videos 7 years ago on a lark, and accrued a following after his first gun-carving video went viral in 2009. Since then, he's published a carving video almost every year with different gun. This latest edition features him using a Henry Rifle to make a smiley face in his pumpkin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n9Ebx-bXLI&index=5&list=PLrEnWoR732-BHrPp_Pm8_VleD68f9s14-


In a comment on the video, Greg reveals that he's pro-gun (duh), albeit in a pretty cheeky way:

A question just occurred to me: Is this video an example of "Gun Violence," or is it "Gun Kindness" ? With it's own conscience, the rifle violently rips apart some of the pumpkin's face; however, it "kindly" creates a nice little Jack O' Lantern for kids to enjoy. So, I'm still left with the perplexing question: Is my gun "Violent" or is it "Kind"? :-) The freedom haters and gun banners seem to think all guns have "Violent" personalities, but I can make an argument that my guns are all "Kind." They help me out by trimming trees around the compound, keeping me off dangerous ladders. They help rid the world of gallons of unhealthy "High fructose Corn syrup" each year. They kindly carve pumpkins for me, helping to keep dangerously sharp knives out of my hands. The large amounts of time devoted to keeping them cleaned, oiled, and exercised, keeps me from hanging out at bars and strip clubs every night. One day any one of them could even save my life from an evil-doer. Yep, I guess the gun haters out there are talking about somebody else's guns; all MY guns are "Kind." There's not one single "Violent" personality amongst them! :-)

Don't you see? Guns don't carve pumpkins. People carve pumpkins. 

Corny dad shares the adorably wacky excuse notes he writes for his kids when they're late to school.

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Seth GreenKing (whoops!), a dad from Harriman, Utah, has been sending more and more elaborate notes to excuse his kids' lateness at school, and now he has an Instagram account, so lord help them all. This dad thinks he's so cute, which is the very essence of quality dad humor. Everyone knows the kids are late because of how long it takes you to write these crazy notes, sir.

https://instagram.com/p/1pRz1kGAft/?taken-by=latenotes

GreenKing told KSL why he subjects his children to handing in these bizarrely hashtag-laden missives:

It has been a fun way for us to let people know not to take life too seriously, and let my kids know that I want them to be on time — if I can persuade them to be on time by embarrassing them in a social situation without causing them too much trauma psychologically. Life is too short to be taken seriously.

He also admits his teenagers aren't as fond of the notes as his children in elementary school. Surprise, surprise. You know, better to have a dad be too involved with his children's education than not involved, even if it's pretty embarrassing for everybody. Here are a few examples of the Excuse Novel this dad is slowly writing:

https://instagram.com/p/1pR2pJmAfz/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/1pSNu9mAQk/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/2BfplPGAXR/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/2WAo-kGAUK/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/2oD_7tmAbk/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/6Fu0r3GAdB/?taken-by=latenoteshttps://instagram.com/p/8x8AnCmAd0/?taken-by=latenotes

GreenKing even shares some of the ways he manages to annoy his kids without getting their teachers involved:

https://instagram.com/p/12KhgFmAdM/?taken-by=latenotes

DAAAAaaaaad!


15 homemade Halloween costumes that went horribly wrong.

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Making your own Halloween costume? More power to you, if you actually know how to do that. Give yourself plenty of time, plenty of materials, and know your limitations, or you'll end up having to explain to people all Halloween long what it you're supposed to be.

1. Darth Vader, probably?

Darth Vader, or a bag of yard waste.

2. "There is no try, only do. Maybe do harder?"

The best of all the Muppets, Kermit the Frog.

3. Kids love plastic bags.

The kids went as "jelly beans" and their parents went as "people who forgot it was Halloween."

4. Pokemon, the Guy from Pokemon.

Pokemon was the best of all the Pokemon.

5. Another Pokemon-like thing.

Red Dinosaur Guy was a Pokemon, right?

6. No, it's a space ray, not a plunger.

But slightly more put together than the Daleks in '60s Doctor Who.

7. Scooby-Dooby-Don't.

He's gonna tip over the first time he tries to run away from a spooky ghost in the abandoned amusement park.

8. To the junkyard, and beyond!

In Toy Story 4, Buzz Lightyear isn't doing so well.

9. A Muppet with its own name written on it.

As well as the Muppet's fuzzy, bear-like companion.

10. A not-very-incredible Hulk.

"HULK FAIL TO LIVE UP TO EXPECTATIONS!"

11. A thing that is supposed to be The Thing.

"It's stickin'-tape-to-my-face time!"

12. The Silver Surfer, by way of Chipotle.

Still better than Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

13. This forkin' excuse for a Wolverine.

He spent all his costume makin' time growing out his sideburns.

14. Spider-Man?

Or possibly a sunburned scarecrow?

15. Link, from the video games.

You know, from The Legend of Zelduh.

 

Article 24

Little girls gave women texting advice and decided that pizza is more interesting than boys.

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Little girls gave women texting advice, and we stand to learn a lot from from their carefree attitude towards communication between the sexes. The video was produced by Cosmo, and is the latest installment in their "Little Girls Do X" series. We get their insight on late night texts, ghosting, and most importantly, pizza. If only we could text with their childlike sense of wonder. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sr5zF-QpD8Y&feature=youtu.be

 

Little boy with icing all over his face denies eating cupcake, but his alibi doesn't check out.

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Kids are cute, but also mischievous. Despite evidence to the contrary, when dad Dave Koenig asked his adorable little son Jack if he ate a cupcake, Jack insisted that he did not have a cheat day. Instead, he claimed that he couldn't have eaten the cupcake because he was "at home." This inspiring little boy had his story, and stuck to it. He will make a great lawyer someday. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8wVitdTRcQ

 

'Ebony' editor stands by magazine's controversial Cosby cover, even though people feel weird about it.

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The divisive cover of the November issue of Ebony shows the stars of The Cosby Show underneath a layer of shattered glass. For all you literal thinkers, it's a metaphor. Ebony tweeted the cover and said the issue "separates Cliff Huxtable & Bill Cosby." The accompanying article asks what Bill Cosby's "shattered" image (he's now been accused of rape by more than 50 women) means for the legacy of the show that portrayed such an adored, iconic black family.

https://twitter.com/EBONYMag/status/655004148618907649

The editor of Ebony, Kierna Mayo, acknowledged mixed reactions to the cover on Twitter.

https://twitter.com/kiernamayo/status/654834944963907584?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Mayo told CNN that she was so stressed out about the decision to run the cover that she hadn't slept in two days, but believes the magazine is "simply asking African-Americans to have a very passionate, a very honest and a very forthright conversation about what this means."

Article 20

Internet goes crazy for 'Sexy Gandalf Costume.'

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If you can't come up with a sexy Halloween costume this year, then you're just not trying hard enough. Literally everything is just one pair of fishnets away from sending everyone at your Halloween party to Boner Town. Just ask Tjitske Van Vark, whose homemade sexy Gandalf costume is forcing strangers across the world question their desire to get freaky with a hairy old wizard man. Van Vark told BuzzFeed:

“The absolute best thing though has just been the general thirst for Gandalf I’ve created,” she said. “Honestly, nothing is better than seeing people exclaim ‘I want to f**k Gandalf’ because of me!”

When bae forgets to shave.

The 18-year-old Australian native (and obvious Lord of the Rings fan) became an internet sensation when she posted her sexy Gandalf pics on Tumblr. Within days, her follower count more than tripled, and she was even featured on the front page of the site.

This is a hard accomplishment to explain to your grandma.

Van Vark says she finds the unexpected success funny and is delighted by the amount of people inspired to make their own sexy Gandalf costumes this Halloween:

The idea of having raised an army of Gandalfs in fishnets is honestly fantastic.

I'm just a sexy Gandalf, standing in front of a sexy Gollum, asking him to love her.

Best of all, next year she can recycle it into a sexy Dumbledore!


Article 18

Eddie Murphy told his first live joke in 28 years, and as you can see, it was awkward.

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Comedian Eddie Murphy was honored with the Mark Twain Prize on Sunday, and he decided to talk about one the award's past recipients: Bill Cosby. It's a big deal for Murphy to talk about Bill Cosby, because he famously refused to play him in a sketch during SNL's recent 40th anniversary. Also, Eddie Murphy hasn't gotten out there and told a joke on stage since 1987. It's a testament to Eddie Murphy's talent that he's so famous as a joke-teller when most people born in the last three decades know him from movies like Norbit. His timing is certainly still good, though, and the audience appears to be loving it in the clip below (his speech begins around 3:32):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=TTfCqGtV1zU

Murphy said:

Bill has one of these. Did y'all make Bill give his back? No, because I know there was a big outcry from people — they was trying to get Bill to give his trophies back. You know you f*cked up when they want you to give your trophies back.

He should do one show where he just comes out and he just talks crazy now. 'I would like to talk to some of the people who feel like I should give back my motherf*ckin' trophies!'

How funny you find this might rely on how funny you find Bill Cosby jokes, but Murphy's just getting back in the saddle. Earlier in the clip he suggests that there may be more jokes to come, so maybe he'll have some laughs for people who don't like the Pudding Pop voice. 

Article 16

Article 15

The NFL Network accidentally aired the Bengals' naked butts, and of course you can see the video here.

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Step aside, Justin Bieber. There are new nudes in town. A whole team of them, in fact.

The Cincinnati Bengals beat the Buffalo Bills yesterday, continuing their winning streak. The NFL Network went into the locker room to do some post-game interviews and ended up using too wide a frame. As cornerback Adam Jones discussed the game, viewers got to see naked butts in the back corner. 

Butts.

Not just any butts, but football players' butts.

Without further ado, here are the butts. NSFW, depending on your work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKhmC3r8-94

 

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