In The Players' Tribune,he writes in verse his heroic origin story. Starting as a little boy in Philly, taking shots with his dad's tube socks at the age of six, into a relationship with basketball in which "[they] gave each other all that they have."
You gave a six-year-old boy his Laker dream
And I’ll always love you for it.
But I can’t love you obsessively for much longer.
This season is all I have left to give.
My heart can take the pounding
My mind can handle the grind
But my body knows it’s time to say goodbye.
And that’s OK.
I’m ready to let you go.
I want you to know now
So we both can savor every moment we have left together.
The good and the bad.
We have given each other
All that we have.
The poem is very heartfelt and well-written, and Bryant truly might have a career in poetry and literature ahead of him.
Brontë, Byron, Bryant: These are the poets' names to remember.
An Irishman is going viral for his tough-talking letter to ISIS, those monsters who are "planning the world's biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he's called)," and trying to create a global caliphate that follows "Sharon's Law."
Finchie Cova (which is an incredible name), was rightfully pissed when Islamic State threatened his country in one of their many poorly-produced propaganda videos. After keeping silent on these matters of international politics for weeks, Cova finally let his thoughts out, because as he says, "Finchie needs to speak.":
So after the past few weeks of shite that's been floating around on Facebook iv tried to stay out of it. But I can't,...
He laid down some serious points, like not to confuse Ireland with those English lads, and most importantly, not to target his favorite pub.
The full letter reads:
So after the past few weeks of shite that's been floating around on Facebook iv tried to stay out of it. But I can't, not anymore. Finchie needs to speak.
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What's the craic lads! I don't think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullshit.
So how's yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and "copy paste" fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world's biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he's called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick "chat" about it.
What's this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called "The Global Coalition" in some mad 80's themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all "rouge and shit" and joining in fights we clearly don't want to be part of. It's like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don't bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn't be arsed with the hole thing, we're simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.
Don't judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don't like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don't give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon's law, (or whatever it is) won't work here. I know a Sharon, and she's a cunt. We don't like her either.
Don't bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I'm not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common...all mad bastards. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning your fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to " the cause" and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don't even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!.
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offies close at ten
2. Don't leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono's address
4. Don't bomb shit when the toy show is on
5. Start with leitrim
6. If your looking for virgins you won't find any on Harcourt street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don't judge you for where your from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep Fucking walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don't want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack's.
Yours unintentionally
Finchie and the rest of Ireland
EDIT: offaly, offaly too!
Cova's post has gone so viral that it hurt ISIS in the arena that matters most in these modern times: Search Engine Optimization.
It’s cold out, which means you’re spending most of your time 1) desperately trying to avoid sick people so you don’t get sick, and 2) being sick, with the energy to do little more than get on Facebook and read posts from your friends which provide graphic details of their own illness. Or, way, way worse: graphic details, photos, and up-to-the-minute updates on their child’s illness. Tap or click images to enlarge.
1. She's snot well.
2. That kid isn't sick. He's evil.
3. Just so adorbs.
4. Hey, almost got there.
5. "I don't always throw up, but when I do…"
6. The old home remedies still work, like live blogging the illness.
7. That is absolutely disgusting.
8. Don't go chasing snottyfalls.
9. You can call two-year-olds that. They don't understand.
In a tumblr called The Last Message Received, you can read all the texts that are haunting people's cell phones from folks they loved, or tried to love, at some point in their lives. Some are really sad, some are funny, some are clear cut examples of "ghosting," but all of them will make you think of all the people you never really got to say a proper goodbye to. If you still have a chance, pick up the phone and say "hello." Or just read these selections and shake your head at how rude folks are these days:
1. The shirt.
We dated for a year, I was totally in love with him but he was emotionally and mentally unstable and abusive, and I was too as retaliation. This is the last conversation we had over text. I found his shirt and wanted to give it back to him so I asked him to come get it so I could apologize and return it, except my best friend knew it would be horrible for me to do that so she took it before he could come. He showed up and I asked him to be friends, but he said no- probably because he knew I was still in love with him and he was dating the girl he cheated on me with.
2. The empty promise.
Last year he told me that he wanted to be with me and that he loved me. Less than a month later he found a new girlfriend and he’s ignored me ever since.
3. The drunk goodbye.
He and I have a long history. The last time we talked, we were both drunk and he said he was still in love with me. But I don’t love him anymore. I told him I’d talk to him when we were sober. I haven’t spoken to him since.
4. The straight shooter.
I invited him to come watch my play every day for a month and he always said he was gonna come because that’s what friends do, but then he didn’t show up. I asked him why and this is what I got.
5. The ghost.
He never replied and I have no idea why.
6. The monster from hell!!
7. Captain Obvious.
my ex, who I was still friendly with at the time, after I walked in on him and my best friend sleeping together
8. The single syllable.
After 5 years of friendship, I always thought he was going to be the one I ended up with, but I guess things just didn’t turn out that way. It’s crazy to think about all those conversations and memories came to end in one single word, “No”.
"The first thing she said to me was 'Obviously you want to get back to your pre-baby weight,'" Rymill wrote. "It wasn't a question, it was a statement. And it pissed. Me. Off."
Rymill's anger resonated with people all over the Internet. Her post about her experience has been shared over 8,700 times.
So I had my first session with a PT today and the first thing she said to me was "Obviously you want to get back to your pre-baby weight". It wasn't a question, it was a statement.
And it pissed. Me. Off.
I corrected her nicely by simply saying "my goal is to regain my core strength and endurance...I'm not worried by how my body looks, only how it functions...it can be pretty badass".
But it got me thinking. Post pregnant women are told they look good if they return to their pre-baby body quickly leading to the assumption that they look bad if the keep the extra weight. Skinny people are envied for their lack of fat or shamed for apparently starving themselves. Voluptuous women are either labelled fat and shamed or they're labelled brave for being comfortable in their own skin. There is always pressure.
No one is comfortable in their own skin 100% of the time. Constantly labelling people and piling expectations associated with these labels on them is harmful to everyone...including those doing the labelling.
What we should be worrying about is if people are ok, not what they look like.
So here I am. I may not be magazine ready, my nana undies and bedtime nursing bra are certainly not going to be rocking a runway anytime soon, my hair is greasy, I have no makeup on, my body is squishy and plentiful, I'm not even sure I'm totally ok.
But I am strong. My body is healthy.
Hell, I am badass as fuck!
Screw what society wants from me. This is what's on offer.
Amy Schumer shared an artful nude portrait taken by fashion photographer Annie Leibovitz on Twitter along with the message, "Beautiful, gross, strong, thin, fat, pretty, ugly, sexy, disgusting, flawless, woman. Thank you @annieleibovitz."
The photo is part of the iconic annual Pirelli calendar, which in the past has featured naked-ish pics of supermodels but this year changed direction in favor of "sheros," a horrible name for very cool and inspiring women. Most of this year's featured women will be clothed, but Schumer posed for this underwear-only pic. According to The New York Times, the image "in a black lingerie with her stomach rolls on display" is part of a joke about Schumer not getting the message that the subjects could wear clothes now. But clearly she also thought it was a powerful move, and so do a lot of people on Twitter.
Makes you wonder what friend and fellow shero Jennifer Lawrence is texting her today.
This baby discovered automatic sliding doors for the first time and truly embodied the phrase "childlike sense of wonder." Posted to YouTube by his dad, Abraham Vargas, the video shows the little guy seeing the doors open and losing his cute little mind. It becomes too much to handle, so he runs away only to run into—BOOM!—another sliding door!
Sure, there are charts detailing the different stages of infancy, etc, but there are only really two major phases in a child's development—pre-sliding door and post-sliding door.
Hot actors James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe were on the Graham Norton Show last week to talk about their new film Victor Frankenstein. There they talked about some of their most shockingly impolite fans, who demand photo ops with backhanded compliments and lure poor Rupert Grint to their terrible parties. They don't say anything about the best way to harass Neville Longbottom, unfortunately. Here's what you'll learn from this clip.
People openly drink wine on British talk shows.
James McAvoy is on a lot of people's "free pass" list, probably because of his unbearably sexy accent.
We're all rude as hell!
If you ever get to meet either of these dudes, be polite. They're really nice, for celebrities.
Audree Kopp, a woman from Louisville, Kentucky, had to get emergency surgery because a glittery hair tie gave her a nasty infection, thus suggesting that glittery hair ties may have a dark underside previously unknown to the general public. Kopp first noticed that something was up when she got a red bump on her wrist where she would keep her hair tie. She showed the bump to a doctor, who gave her some antibiotics. It kept growing, though, so she went to the E.R.
It turns out that the hair tie was collecting bacteria, which got under her skin through her pores and hair follicles. She ended up with three types of infections. Had the doctors not operated on her, she could have contracted sepsis.
Here's the full news report, if you want to see the graphic, open-wound photos (delicious!).
5. Tyga, because he can't afford his dream house in Kylie's hood.
Rapper Tyga (real name: Tiger) is having serious money problems lately: he has a tax lien of more than $19,000, and he owes more than $40,000 to a backup dancer who was creeped on hard during a music video shoot. Of course, being in debt is a problem when you're dating one of the Kardashians—how is he expected to Keep Up?
That's exactly the problem facing Tyga right now. He's been trying to buy a $10 million mansion in Calabasas, CA for a while now, but keeps coming up short every time he's close to sealing the deal. TMZ reports that he has a different excuse whenever it comes up, but the truth seems clear: he's biting off more than he can chew.
However, it seems unlikely Tyga will admit to that fact. His dream home is in the same neighborhood as his 18-year-old girlfriend, Kylie Jenner and her extended Kardashian/Jenner/Voldemort family, including her mom Kris, sister Kim, and brother-in-law Kanye. If he admits he can't afford the house, he'll look like a fool in front of them. And if there's one thing that family won't stand for, it's not being taken seriously.
4. Iggy Azalea, because Erykah Badu threw some serious shade at her.
Last night, the Soul Train Awards were broadcast on Centric. If you didn't know that, you're racist. The ceremony was hosted by the legendary Erykah Badu, who opened with the traditional award show monologue. She roasted herself and certain other artists in attendance, but nobody got it too bad. Except for Iggy Azalea, who was hit with a massive facefull of shade. Here's a clip, complete with the appropriate reaction from the guy filming it:
These new protective uniforms for police in Bavaria, Germany are certainly intimidating. In fact, as the tweeter above suggested, the helmets look a lot like Darth Vader's. But some film buffs noted that they bear a greater resemblance to an even more terrifying film villain.
That's right—these riot cops look like Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet in the Mel Brooks classic Spaceballs. Even with ceramic composite plates and a titanium helmet, they'll have trouble scaring any terrorists who've seen this scene:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMxTFqPET5I
In fact, the first public reaction to the new outfits was a good old-fashioned Reddit Photoshop battle, featuring gems like these:
Best of luck to those poor cops. And may the Schwartz be with them.
2. Laker fans, because Kobe is out the door.
After nearly 20 years with the Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe Bryant announced yesterday that he will retire from the NBA. He made the announcement in a poem titled "Dear Basketball," published in The Players' Tribune. It's an emotional and bittersweet way for him to tell his fans, "That's right. I wrote a poem."
Speaking of fans, Laker fans are probably sweating in their Kobe jerseys right now. His presence as a superstar on the team's roster has been taken for granted for many years at this point. Will they play as well without him? Only time will tell. But one thing is clear: basketball's loss is poetry's gain. American verse needs the bold, honest voice of this alleged rapist.
1. A 5-year-old girl who can't get a personalized jar of Nutella because her name is Isis.
Nutella, the Italian hazelnut/chocolate spread that turns toast into candy, is beloved the world over. And Ferrero, the company behind it, is smart enough to never jeopardize that by courting controversy. After all, they did dump Kobe Bryant as their sponsor after he was accused of rape. So it's understandable that when they started selling personalized jars of Nutella, they made sure the computer system didn't allow pranksters to order jars with problematic names on them, like "Diarrhea" or "Kobe."
But that careful approach backfired when Heather Taylor of Illawarra, Australia tried to buy jars for her nephew Odhinn and niece Isis from a Myer department store. Both names were initially flagged, but a store manager eventually allowed the Odhinn jars to be printed. Isis, however, was a no-go.
The store assumed the name was a reference to the terror group ISIS, as opposed to Taylor's actual 5-year-old niece. Of course, this poor little girl can't help sharing the name of the world's most hated militant group—it's not even her parent's fault, because the Islamic State didn't rise until after she was born. But will that help her get a creamy jar of delicious goo with her name on it? Not likely.
Even after Isis's family explained that she was named after the Egyptian goddess, Ferrero refused to budge, citing a need to be consistent in their rules. If they let her use the name, why couldn't the actual ISIS order hundreds of jars to be delivered to their strongholds in Syria for their next brunch? It's a slippery slope.
Could this hard-line stance cause Nutella to lose Isis as a fan for life? Probably not. That stuff is delicious.
Back when I was in school, every time somebody got caught passing notes, I wanted the teacher to do what teachers on TV did in such a situation and read the note aloud and embarrass my friend. But they never did it. They probably still won't read them out loud. Instead they just post them on the Internet and get a way larger number of people to laugh at the kid.
Over Thanksgiving, Kim Kardashian said via Instagram that she was thankful for the Spice Girls. And it's about time that someone finally recognized those spicy ladies for all they do for us throughout the year. Kim shared two photos of herself in high school dressed up as Posh Spice for a talent show and wrote, "The Spice Girls got me through a lot!" (She was probably talking about the lyrics to "Spice Up Your Life," which has an important message about daily living and spicing.)
Is Kim Kardashian the first millennial to have dressed up like the Spice Girls in her early aughts youth? No. And your Baby Spice mini buns were probably on point, but sadly she'll never know. Kim, meanwhile, can get the attention of probably any single person in the entire world via her social media. So of course Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham, saw the photo. She shared it to her own followers and wrote "Genius!"
https://www.instagram.com/p/-lRRCZFiNP/
Then she awkwardly signed her Instagram photo. But you know what? She's earned it.
Author J.K. Rowling loves engaging with people on Twitter, from trolls to fans in need of a signal boost, but every once in awhile she sets off an Internet firestorm. This one started with an innocent question about why her most famous protagonist, Harry Potter, would name his son after Severus Snape, the teacher who tormented him and (spoiler) killed his wise mentor, Dumbledore.
That should be it, right? J.K. Rowling invented the world of Harry Potter and all the characters therein. She understands their motivations better than anyone! Better than anyone except her millions of fans, apparently. In moments, hundreds of people were arguing fiercely back and forth about whether Snape died for Harry, whether he is worthy of forgiveness, whether any of us is worthy of forgiveness, whether Snape is worthy of Twitter feuding, etc. What follows is Rowling's dissertation on the subject in 140-character soundbites:
Happy Cyber Monday! Deals deals deals! Get those deals before the Earth is turned into a wasteland destroyed by climate change and humanity's greed for savings. In this commercial by folks at UCB Comedy, you can see what 2056 holds for humanity. Future Christmases do not involve trees, snow, or whatever those white bears are. They involve traditional shorts, malaria and encroaching wildfires. And DEALS. Start saving (the climate) today!